Family Guy S11E6 Script

Lois Comes Out of Her Shell (2012)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

All right, I'm going to the store.

Anybody need anything?

Yeah, can you get me a chess set and a backwards hat?

I got some inner-city school kids I gotta inspire tomorrow.

Okay, Darius, point to the king.

That's right. It's you.

Hey, Lois. Doesn't, uh, somebody have a birthday coming up this week?

Oh, it's nice of you to remember, Brian, but, frankly, I'd rather let this one slip by.

I don't need to be reminded how old I'm gettin'.

You know, it's funny.

You keep so busy with your kids, time just seems to slip away, and then you turn around one day and...

Okay, bye. Stop making noise.


You know, Peter, I know Lois is downplaying it, but I think she might actually appreciate it if we threw her a party.

Maybe even a surprise party.

That's a great idea, Brian!

Yeah, I love parties.

I mean, I had a great time at my baby shower.

Well, after opening all these gifts, I could use a little wine right now myself.

(chuckles) Glug, glug, glug, glug.

Can you imagine?! (laughs)


I'm sorry. My hormones are just crazy right now!

(both laughing)

Stewie, you want a Mommy rocket ride?

What? What do you mean?

Here we go! Get ready for blastoff!

(bone cracks)

Ow! Son of a bitch!


Oh, my God, Stewie, are you all right?

Nice throw, Casey Anthony.

Oh, my God, I hope the guys at Sears portrait studio will be able to retouch this.

What am I saying?

Of course they will. They're Sears.

What the deuce?

Well, hello there.

I say, you're a cute little fellow.

Tell me something: What do you think about Rose McGowan?

Yeah, she makes my turtlehead go in, too.

How about Michelle Rodriguez?

Yeah, me too, kinda, right?

You know, she's got like a cute tomboy thing where you feel like you could play softball with her, and then later on, give her the old sau-seege.

I like you.

I can tell we're going to be good friends.

We've got that unspoken bond that all bald guys have.

I thought he'd never leave.

Me neither.


(both sigh)


Aw, did you guys just do the thing?

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. All right, you guys, that was Lois. She's gonna be here in ten minutes.

Dad, how did you get Mom out of the house so we could decorate?

Well, Chris, I constructed a very elaborate fake grocery store.

Oh, my God!

Are these pickles really only 39 cents?!

That's right, ma'am.

Wow! This is incredible!

(wind whistling)

What the hell's going on here?

And over here are my toys.

This is my fire truck, my Slinky, my Silly Putty.

You know, Silly Putty's awesome, but you know what's really cool? Serious Putty.

Oh, this looks like fun!

It says I have cancer.

We thought it would be better if you heard it from chemicals in an egg.

Hey, Stewie, you better come down.

The party's about to start.

What is that? Is that a turtle?

Yes, Brian. I found him at the park.

I named him Sheldon.

Oh, and get this: I brought him home today, and coincidentally this is the day Rupert started working out again.

So transparent.

Rupert? What happened to your eye?

Brian, did you pull one of Rupert's eyes off?

No. Why would I do that?

Maybe your turtle did it.

Nonsense. Sheldon is a gentle soul.

He wouldn't hurt anybody.

Well, come on. Let's get downstairs.

Lois will be here any minute.

ALL: Surprise!

Yay! Birthday!

Oh, my God!

Happy birthday, Lois!

You guys shouldn't have done this!

Hey, anytime you can celebrate the end of someone's periods.

Everyone, everyone, I have something to say.

To my dearest Lois on her birthday.

What a journey we've had together.

You know, life has a way of changing things.

What were once two firm, impressive mountain peaks have become a barren, strip-mined, muddy landslide that droops ever downward.

What were once pink and succulent rose petals now take the form of the shredded, raggedy, blown-out endpiece of a practical joker's exploding cigar.

Peter, that- that's enough.

Lois, you may not be the young filly you were when I met you, but you're still my reliable old plow horse who's there each day to pull the plow, to help around the barn, and let the husband horse-slap a batch at her now and then.

Well, I guess that's it.

I love you, sweetheart.

And I have a lovely gift of the batchslapping variety waiting for you when I'm just the right amount of drunk.

To Lois!

ALL: To Lois!

(sobbing, door shuts)

Lois! Mom!

Geez, what the hell's her problem?

Peter, she was already feeling insecure about her age, and then you went and gave her that horrible speech!

I don't blame her.

Nobody likes to be humiliated in public.

I'm King Stewie!

I rule with an iron fist!

La, la-la, la-la la-la! Look at me! Ooh!

In my office. Now.

Hey, any of you guys seen your mother?

She never came to bed last night, and I can't find her anywhere.

(car horn beeps)

What the hell?

Hey, sluts!

OMG, stop staring at me, please-'kay-thanks.

Mom, are you okay?

Lois, what's goin' on?

I'm what's goin' on, Peter.

I got highlights, I went shopping, and I had my...

So it's tighter now.

Peter, I think Lois might be having a midlife crisis.

Come on, dudes! Who wants to hop in my wheels and head to the beach for some ultimate Frisbee?

Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you.

I can't... I can't do that.

Hey, tweeps!

JK, I don't follow you, you're lame.

But look who just got herself a sick new tat.

MEG: Oh, my God, Mom!

I know, I can't believe it either.

I guess one of my flaws is I'm just kinda brave.

No, that's great actually, because now anyone walking behind you will know that you had $60.

Wow! That is awesome, Lois!

Your bum looks like an NBA guy's arm.

'Cept it's not payin' someone to install a PlayStation in a car.

Lois, you do know that's permanent?

Good. Then that means my ass is gonna look young forever.

Guys, I, uh, I gotta go shoot one into the sink.

What's going on?

Mom's acting and dressing like a 20-year-old.

I know, and I'm worried about her.

You can't just pretend to be something you're not.

Yes, just ask Edward Scissorhands.

Okay, now, I'm an excellent night nurse, so you two get some much-deserved sleep and don't worry about a thing.

I will take such loving care of this wonderful little gift.

And when you wake up, well-rested, your precious little baby will be smiling as bright as the sun.

It's dead.

And while I remind you I can't read yet, I can only imagine Madeline would say, "Take me out of this disgusting French hospital and find me some real parents."

Ah! Paper cut!

A razor blade?!

Who the hell uses a razor blade as a bookmark?!

All right, very funny, Stewie.

What? What do you mean, what?

You replaced my Jack Daniels with flat Diet Coke.

No, I didn't.

And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning?

What has happened to your life?

Do you need to talk?

Just stay away from my booze!

It wasn't me, Brian.

Well, if it wasn't you, who was it?

I mean, there's a lot of weird stuff going on around here lately.

Just yesterday, somebody gave Peter a "hotbutt."

♪ La, la, la, la, la, regular life ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, l... ♪


And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.

People are gonna miss me when I'm...


Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for those things.

Sometimes you just...

Whoa, that was close.

Yeah, how'd that thing fall over?

Okay, who replaced my glasses with forks?

I mean, they're real good for seeing forks but not much else.

LOIS: Peter, can you come down to the laundry room?

Ugh, son of a bitch.

If she washed my belt again, I am gonna hit her with my dry, withered belt.

What is it, Lois?

I was watching...

Whoa, Lois, what the hell are you doing?

Do me, Peter, do me right here in the basement.

Y-You mean this room we're in or your bum?

No, this room, Peter, right here on the carpet.

Oh, so you mean the front.

Just get over here and kiss me.

Let's have sex on all the clean, folded laundry.

Wow, Lois, I got to say, I like this new you.

I like it a lot.

(both giggling)

Oh, Peter!

Oh, Peter, yes! Yeah.

Oh, I'm on fire. Yeah.

Take me, you filthy bastard. Yeah, oh.

Destroy me and this laundry. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, here, put Meg's bra in your mouth.

Oh, my God, that's so disturbing.

I know, gross.

Yeah, and my hearing's a lot better, so I hear, like, suction and stuff.

♪ "All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die" ♪

♪ Says the man next to me out of nowhere ♪

♪ The good people of the world

♪ Are washing their cars on their lunch break ♪

♪ Hosing and scrubbing as best they can ♪

♪ In skirts and suits

♪ They drive their shiny Datsuns and Buicks ♪

♪ Back to the phone company, the record store, too ♪

♪ Well, they're nothing like Billy and me ♪

♪ 'Cause all I wanna do is have some fun ♪

♪ I got a feeling I'm not the only one ♪

♪ All I wanna do is have some fun ♪

♪ I got a feeling I'm not the only one ♪

♪ All I want to do is have some fun ♪

♪ Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard. ♪



Sheldon. What are you doing?

Get back in your bowl where you belong.

Well, long as I'm up, I might as well go spit in Lois's mouth.




Come on, Stewie.

He's just a little turtle.

He can't hurt you.



(toilet flushes)


Get out!



(neck snaps)

(dance music playing)

Isn't this epic, Peter?

That DJ has got some mad skills.

(sighs) You think they sell Anacin at the bar?

Come on.

Get up and dance with me, Peter.

This place is sick.

Hells yeah!

It is the only rooftop pool in Providence.

No offense, but this place is awesome.

I-I-- Where was I supposed to be offended within that remark?

Can we, can we leave, Lois?

Actually, we are leaving.

We're hitting another insane party across town.

What, you mean now?

Peter, you sound like an old fart.

I thought you liked having a hot, young wife.

Well, I did at first, but the novelty's worn off.

Same thing happened with that blog I started on 9/11.

Look, Peter, you do what you want to do, but I'm going to that party.

My life isn't over. It's just beginning.

So if you don't want to run with the wild horses, then go back to the barn and go to bed.

But, Lois...

Stupid place still doesn't have my dry cleaning.

That's not a dry cleaners. It's a dance club.

It is?

Well, that explains a lot.

(phone ringing)

Oh, this is my jam!

Jeez, Peter, you look terrible.

I know. Lois has been wearing me out.

I just can't keep up with her.

I don't know what she's trying to prove, Brian, but I can't take it anymore.

Peter, can't you see?

She's doing this because of you.

For God's sake, you called her a plow horse.

It's no wonder she's trying to prove she's young and vibrant.

(over TV): Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

The city of Quahog has been stricken with a case of Bieber Fever tonight, as teen idol and fake black guy Justin Bieber is in town for a sold-out show at the Quahog Civic Center.

We now go live to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa with more.

(girls screaming) Tom, I'm standing here at the Quahog Civic Center, awash in a pool of prepubescent sexual moisture.

Woo-hoo! We love you, Justin!

Look! That's Mom!

Oh, my God! What the hell?

She's at a Justin Bieber concert?

Ugh, Justin Bieber's so yesterday.

I'm all about Quentin Vashay now.

Who's Quentin Vashay?


What's going on?

Do we have to get a new mom now?

No, Chris.

I'm gonna go get our old mom back.

If I'm the one who made her feel this way, then I'm the one who's got to fix it.

Brian, keys!

Chris, beer!

Meg, ugly!

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Yes, I see.

Rupert, the man from the newspaper would like a quote from you about my dancing abilities.


Where'd you go?

Magnolia Cupcakes?


Rupert! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, no!

If he did this to you, I swear I'll kill him!

And what's that box from Bloomingdale's doing here?

I, uh, I-I don't know who this is.

(crowd cheering)

(women screaming)

Oh, my God, he is so adorable.

I could just bite him and eat him up.

I know, he's perfect.

He's like a boy and a girl.

I know!

(women screaming)

Sorry, you're not allowed in here.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not into that.


Well, what are you into?


I love my job.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Hey, there, cutie.

Oh, hey. How's it going?

Um, are you a friend of my mom's?


Yeah. I'm your mom's friend, Mrs. Robinson.

I don't... I don't get that.

Is that a reference to something?

Uh, okay.

Uh, I'm, uh-- oh, I'm Stifler's mom.

Still no idea.

Okay, just get your pants off, hon.

Stop right there! Get away from her!

Peter?! Who are you?

How'd you get in here?

Step away from my wife, you acorn-penised beauty!

Look, I swear. Nothing happened.

Just relax, old man.

Old man?!

What, you think you're not gonna get old, you little bastard?!

And, Lois, I've had enough of you, too!

Now, you come home and start acting your age!

No, Peter. I don't want to act my age, and you don't want that either.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have called me an old plow horse.

Look, I didn't mean to say that.

I-I was a jerk.

But isn't this what you want?

Don't you want me to stay young and exciting?

Well, I thought I did.

I mean, every guy who's been married a while thinks he wants a hot, young chick, but after you spend an hour with one of them, you want to blow your brains out.

But, Peter, I was just doing this to make you happy.

You do make me happy, Lois.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

That's sweet.

But you got to admit, I'm not what I used to be.

Well, neither am I.


I used to be a lion tamer.

Look, Lois, I'll always treasure the wild, little hottie I met when I was young.

But I don't want to be with a kid anymore.

I want a smart, sexy, beautiful, middle-aged companion.

I want the real Lois.

My Lois.

Oh, Peter.

Mr. Bieber, they're calling for an encore!

Oh, my God, those kids are expecting a show.

I'll handle this.

(crowd cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Bieber.

♪ People see us everywhere

♪ They think you really care

♪ But myself I can't deceive

♪ I know it's only make-believe... ♪

(air hissing)

STEWIE: Well, well, look who has surfaced.

You're getting colder.




Hey, get out here and fight me!



Damn it!

Now batting: Stewie Griffin!

(beeping steadily)

Oh, crap.

Ugh, you look like a nude Larry David.

No, no, no!

(video game sound effects)

Oh, my God, Super Mario?

What are you doing here?

(Italian accent): I jump on a turtle, Stewie.

It's not an exciting life, but it's my life.

It sure is good to have you back, Mom.

Yeah, we missed you.

Well, thanks for putting up with me, you guys.

Sorry I got so flipped out about my age.

Aw, don't worry about it, Lois.

But from now on, remember:

I love you just the way you are.

And besides, there's nothing wrong with being 35.

Peter, I'm 43.

Get out of this house.