Family Guy S11E7 Script

Friends Without Benefits (2012)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

There he is. The reason my bedpost is so shiny.

Oh my God. Are you still obsessed with Kent?

Just ask him out already.

The worse that can happen is he says no.

Are you kidding? Of course he'll say no.

There's no way he'd ever go out with me.

He's just so... dreamy.

Oh Kent, what are we gonna do?

With the Earth destroyed, we're the only two humans left.

Well then, it looks like we need to start repopulating.

♪ Meg and Kent are having space sex ♪

♪ We can't show it

♪ But that's what's happening.

(Meg moaning)


I think she's choking.

Should we wake her up?

No, she's got to learn to breathe out of her nose.

(breathing heavily)

She's getting it.

Peter, you want another waffle?

I can't Lois.

I promised Janice I'd take her shift.

Can I get two eggs, scrambled, on toast?

Sure thing, honey. Adam and Eve on a raft, wreck them!

I'd like a hotdog with ketchup and some Jell-O, please.

Paint a bow-wow red and a side of nervous pudding!

Can I have a well-done burger with lettuce and tomato?

Burn one, drag it through the garden, pin a rose on it!

Can I use your bathroom?

Got a telephone pole heading to the swimming hole.

Spray it with sunshine!


Hey, dog. What?

You want in?


Ah, look at this.

She's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover, as if she's some sort of hip hybrid of those two things.

Ugh. Yeah, like she could ever write Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Brian, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? was not written by Virginia Woolf.

Yeah, obviously.

But, you know, it's-it's pretty much about her.

It really isn't, Brian.

Let's, uh, let's just get into this, huh?

"Dear Diary, got down to 152 today.

Think that's a nice weight for me."

Oh, here's another one.

"Dear Diary, just discovered the music of John Denver.

Wow-wee, where's this been?"

Hey, look at this.

"Kent is so incredibly sexy.

"He said 'hi' to me today, and I almost died.

"Also, I learned a funny lesson today in my pursuit of Kent: anal bleaching is better left to professionals. LOL."

Oh, oh! No, no, no, come on, now, come on.

Jeez, it's just pages and pages of stuff about this Kent guy.

She's really obsessed with him.

Well, obsession's not such a bad thing.

It got us the first printing press.

You're a whore, Sheila, and I'm gonna make sure everybody knows it!


I can't read.

No one can read.

Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther.

Bye, overzealous Asian kids lining up to be the first ones in school tomorrow.

Go away. No time to say "bye."

(laughs) I pass you 'cause you lose focus!

Damn! Lost focus!

Life over!

Oh, Kent, this is all I ever wanted.

I feel the same way, Meg.

From today onward, this is our life.

We should get off the horse soon.

I want to save one for you.

(horn honking, tires squealing)

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Lucky for you, this tree was my destination.

And the job exchange begins.

Sir, do you want to move ahead on the agreement with the sanitation union?

Sir, we need leadership.

Oh, my God, Meg!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I-I'm fine.

I guess I got distracted again thinking about Kent.

Oh, I can't do this anymore.

I've just got to ask him out.


Honey, give me any laundry you have.

I'm doing a diapers and Meg load.

Hey, Mom, can I ask you about something?

Of course, Meg. What's on your mind?

Well, there's this guy I like at school, and I was thinking about, I-I don't know, maybe calling him and...

Meg, are you asking, in this day and age, when the CEO of Xerox is a woman, when the president of Brazil is a woman, even Rosie O'Donnell is a woman, whether it's appropriate for a girl to ask a boy out on a date?

Of course it's appropriate.

It's also sad and desperate and I would never do it, but you're not me, are you, sweetie?

No, I'm not.

(laughing): No, you're not.


(phone rings)

Hello? Hey, Kent?

It's Meg, from English class.


And math class?

And bio?

And the Facebook campaign to get me to kill myself?

Oh, Meg!

Hey, what's up? Hey!

Um, nothing much.

I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to hang out some time?


Oh, wow, cool!

Okay, um, I'll-I'll text you?


(screams) Yes! I can't believe it!

Oh, my God, I'm going out on a date with Kent Lastname.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!


Oh, my gosh!

I'm gonna go ahead and shut this for you.


Oh, hello.

Hi, you must be Mrs. Griffin.

I'm Kent. I'm here to pick up Meg.

Oh, Kent, it's so nice to meet you.

She's just getting ready.

Meg, Kent's here!

Just putting on my lipstick.

Damn it.

And this is Meg's brother, Chris.

Oh, yeah, I've seen you around school.

You eat with the deaf kids, right?

One of them isn't all the way deaf.

What grade are you in again?

That's still being worked out by a team of counselors.

Cool. Hope to see you around school.

He seems nice.

Sorry, I missed all that.

I was tweeting.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: Coming this fall, the prequel to Philadelphia.

Are you sure we don't need a condom?

No, it's okay, I'm a lawyer.

(loud kissing noises)


How you girls doing on popcorn?

I'll take some.

Here you go.


Oh, sorry, am I taking up the whole armrest?

Boy, it's kind of chilly in here.

Really? You got big sweat marks under your boobs.

That must mean they must like you then.

(forced giggling)

Hey, I'll be right back.

I got to go to the bathroom.

Oh, thank God.

And now, our feature presentation:

Adrien Brody Doing Sit-Ups in 3-D.


(crowd screams)

Two. (screams)

(tires squeak)

That was fun.

We should hang out again some time.

Yeah, definitely.

Well, good night.


Oh, no, I'm sorry. Oh, my God, I thought you...

I didn't think this was a date. Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed!

Hey, it's 10:30!

I suggest you take your dope and go elsewhere!

I'm sorry, Meg. I think you're great, and I love hanging out with you, but there's something you should know.

I'm gay.

You are?

Look, I really like you as a friend, but to be honest...

I like Chris.


Oh, for God's sake.

I have a shoe appointment in the morning, and I want to be fresh!

Yeah, the person I'm attracted to is your brother.


Rupert, did you hear that?

Meg's boyfriend is in love with me.

Not that I care.

I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us.

But what would I tell him is going on with us?


(sobbing continues)

Thanks, Brian!


Hey... princess.

I'll get out of your hair.

I can see you want to be left alone.

Why does everything bad always happen to me?

Huh, you and me both.

I got this cold. (coughing)

And it's-it's just in that

"I don't want to give it to a friend" stage, you know?

(sniffling) Oh, God, you hear that?

I sound like a Jewish See 'n Say.

The uncle says...

(phlegmy coughing)

The grandpa says...


The aunt says...

AUNT: Oh-h.

Kent told me he's gay, and even worse, he likes Chris!

Oh, wow, I'm really sorry to hear that, Meg.

I don't get it.

I've been going to high school with him for three years, and I always assumed he was straight.

Well, high school's a tough time, Meg.

Maybe he thought he was straight, but then realized he's gay.

He's probably still figuring things out.

Hang in there.

Well, I'll help him figure things out.

I'll help him figure out that he's straight.

That was really close.

Hey, Chris, you mind if I sit here?

No, of course not.

We were just having a political discussion.

Bill's, uh... kind of conservative.

Hey, you know, it was really cool meeting you the other night.

I was thinking maybe we should hang out sometime.

Sure. I sleep for, like, six hours every day after school, but other than that, I'm pretty open.

Well, great, then we should definitely...

Oh, hey, Meg.

Listen, I hope you're okay after the other night.

Yeah, no, that's-that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Kent.

Look, I-I know you're going through a confusing time.

The thing is, though, I feel like you're not actually gay.


No, I-I told you, I am.

You don't talk or act gay.

I mean, you play football.

Those jeans cost 20 bucks, tops.

And you only use "hello" as a greeting, not as a way to outdo some imaginary antagonist in conversation.

Meg, please stop.

I know your heart's in the right place, but...

Actually, it's not.

It's a serious medical condition.

Yeah, that's... that's not supposed to be there, so she should probably always wear a hat.

Hey. Hey.

So I guess you heard about Meg's boyfriend, huh?

I did. I did hear, yes.

Weird, right?

Guy has a crush on her own brother.

I know, so weird.

But, you know, the heart wants what the heart wants.

I just hope it doesn't cause awkwardness, you know, in the house.

Oh, no, it doesn't have to be awkward, not if we don't make it awkward.

I just don't see the attraction.

I mean, is it all about that big package?

Big? You really think so?

Are you kidding? Biggest in the family.

That thing should be hanging from the ceiling of a deli.

Thanks, Brian.

God, I have so much energy now.

(giggling): Am I the only one who feels like grabbing a drink?

Hey, do you think this picture is hot?

Kind of, yeah.

Well guess what: that's my back.

Hook up with me! Come on!

We can make this work.

Just stick your head in here and pretend it's a butt.

No, Meg, stop it.

God, this is getting too weird.

I can't be your boyfriend.

In fact, I don't even think I can be your friend.

Kent, wait!

We can totally be friends.

We can go shopping together.

And I like musicals. I've even seen the latest Tony Award-winning piece of crap.

♪ If more people join in

♪ The song will get better

♪ If more people join in

♪ The song will get better

♪ If more people join in

♪ The song will get better

♪ If more people join in

♪ The song will get better

♪ Now you're having fun

♪ 'Cause we're in the aisles

♪ Even the bad guy is singing along. ♪ They're singing right near me, so it's a great musical.

Hey, Meg, what's wrong?

What's wrong is that Kent doesn't like me.

He likes my brother, Chris.

Oh, my God.

No way!

Well, I mean, you've done everything you can do.

I guess you just have to move on.

Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of sweet guy-trim at this school.

You-you don't understand.

He's all I think about.

I-I can't eat, I can't sleep.

Just thinking about him now gives me heart palpitations.

(heart thumping)

I feel like if I could just know what it's like to be with him, just-just once, I could at least have some sort of closure.

Well, if Kent hooks up with your brother, you could just have Chris describe every last detail to you.

Oh, my God, that's it.

What do you mean?

I mean, if I can't have Kent, then that's the next best thing.

I've just got to get Chris to sleep with him.

Oh, no.

Here comes Mr. Davis with one of his technically-not- illegal invitations.

Girls, I'm gonna be at the park later.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie.

I've put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times.

As long as you come to your senses within 15 minutes, everything's fine.

Lois, can I go Slip 'N Slide in the yard?

Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?

Yes. Almost.

Okay, I just want to be sure you don't get a cramp.

Yay! Poor people water fun!

Hey, Chris.

Uh, can I ask you a question?

Sure, what's up?

Um, remember that "free hug" coupon you gave me for my ninth birthday that I never used?


Well, I'd like to use it.

Oh, okay. Sure.

But... I'd like to sort of upgrade it.

I'd like it to be a butt-hug with Kent.

What? Are you out of your mind?!

Chris, please, just sleep with Kent and then tell me all about it.

Forget it, Meg.

I can't just do stuff with another guy.

I'm not Derek Jeter.

I like girls.

Ugh, come on, Chris.

Girls are terrible.

They're always backstabbing and giving each other phony compliments.

Oh, wow, you are definitely not afraid of dessert.

You know, I wish I were secure enough to throw on any old thing and call it an outfit.

Come on, you have so much body confidence.

I mean, who wouldn't with those strong legs?

So muscular.

I'm jealous of how thick with strength they are.

Hey, I like your tie.


Come on, Chris, he'll do all the work.

I said no, Meg.

I'll pay you a hundred bucks.

Oh, fine, I'll keep it in my bum.

There'll be plenty of room.

That's my sarcastic way of saying it's not gonna happen.

Good day, Meg.

Oh, it's gonna happen.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hi, Meg.

Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

What can I do for you?

I-I was wondering if I could borrow some roofies?

Oh, sure, sure, just a sec.

Roofies, huh?

Pretty big pill for such a little girl.

Yeah, I know, but I asked someone to do me a favor, and they're not too keen on doing it.

Oh, I know what they're for, honey.

So, how's school?

Oh, good, thanks.

Studies going well?

Yeah, yeah, mostly A's and B's so far this semester.

Oh, that's so great.

Seeing anyone special these days?

Hey, obviously, right?

(laughter) Of course, yeah.

Okay, well, listen, good luck with everything.

And, uh, call me if you get arrested.

I will. Thanks.

That's what it's all about, Glenn.

Don't rape it back, rape it forward.

All right, I talked to Chris, and he totally wants to hook up with you, too.

No way! Really?

I didn't even know he was gay.

It's just that he's not as comfortable with his sexuality as you are yet, so he's gonna need to pretend to be asleep while it's happening.

Oh, he's a snooze-juicer.


Wow, I didn't know Chris had this dark side to him.

Oh, yeah, Chris has a major dark side.

My dad is actually really scared of him.

(creaking) Wha...

Who's there?

Go back to sleep, Dad.



You're very precious to me.

Chris, I made some Kool-Aid!

You want some?


Chris, what are you doing in my room?

Nothing. Yes, you were.

You were putting something in my drawer.

What's this?

(sighs) Look, Meg, I know you've been having a hard time lately, so I wanted to give you something that means a lot to me.

Oh, I remember this.

This was the trip our family took to the Cape.

Ugh, it was miserable.

It was raining, and Mom and Dad fought the whole time.

You taught me how to hunt squirrels with poisoned cheese, and then you took me to the hospital when the squirrels tricked me into eating the cheese.

Chris, you kept this photo all these years?

Yeah, it's gotten me through a lot of tough times.

Like when Felicity cut her hair.


Aw, thanks, Chris.

That was really thoughtful of you.

Hey, so can I have some of that Kool-Aid now?


No, actually you can't.

Oh, Chris, hi.

I didn't realize you'd be awake.


Well, Meg said you'd be asleep, but it's fine.

I can work with this.

Oh, hell no!


Oh, my God.

Kent, I just texted you that the plan was off.

Meg, what the hell were you planning on doing?!

Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry.

I was so obsessed with Kent that I-I guess I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm just glad I stopped before I did a really terrible thing.

Terrible thing? What terrible thing?

Well, like I said, I-I changed my mind.

I-I didn't do it.

But, um...

I was... kind of gonna... roofie you.

What?! What is wrong with you?!

And, Kent, I owe you an apology, too.

I lied when I told you that Chris wanted to sleep with you.

Save it, Meg!

I don't need your apologies!

I can see now that you're a complete psycho!

Boy, clothes sure are a prison, aren't they?

Lot of drumroll for nothing.

What's this?

Ooh, candy!

Hey, Meg.

I heard what happened.

Yeah, Kent hates me now.

You made a mistake.

I know you feel terrible, but you're not a bad person, Meg.

You just need to get back out there, and someday, maybe you'll find the right guy.

You really think so, Brian?

I know so.

All it takes is one guy making one mistake, one drunken night.

Sperm finding a fertile egg.

You refusing to do what a sane woman would do.

You got him, Meg. You got him for life.

Thanks, Brian. No problem.

Hey, do either of you know what poison ivy looks like?