Family Guy S11E8 Script

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! (2012)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER: Do you want an excuse to not go home this Christmas?

Then fly Northwest Airlines.

At Northwest Airlines, thousands of employees are dedicated to delaying and cancelling flights so you won't get home for the holidays.

No way I'm getting you on your connecting flight.

No way we're taking off on time.

Don't worry, I'm taking this flight back to the gate.

Do you think Jeff will make it home this year?

No way-- because Jeff flew Northwest.

Thanks, Northwest.

I hate my family.

Ah, that looks great.

You know, I think this is gonna be our best Christmas ever.

Yeah, but don't get your hopes up, Lois.

I couldn't afford to get you what I got you last year.

I know how you like that song, so I got you two turtledoves.

Where did you get these?

I went to a scientist and had them genetically engineered.

Fly, beautiful turtledoves.

Bring Christmas cheer to all.

(turtlesdoves screeching, all yelling)

Everybody outside-- we'll do the rest of Christmas outside!

Go, go, go!

Look, Stewie, I'm hanging the ornament you made at preschool.

Just hang it up.

Why do you have to narrate everything you do?

Peter, you want to put the star on top of the...

Hang on, hang on, Lois, I always wanted to do this.

Wait a second.

It's coming.

There it is!


Eh, it's something, but you still got a leftover "R."

This was hard.

I did this for you!

This one's my favorite ornament.

I can only imagine what it must have been like for them on that very first Christmas.

Yeah, it was probably very moving... and fictional.

Jesus lived with us for, like, a week.

What else do you need?

It's the greatest story ever told, Meg.

A story that goes back over a hundred years.

Yay, Star Wars! No, Chris.

It's the story of Christmas and the Immaculate Conception.

You guys were born the dirty way.

Now, gather around, everybody, and hear the awe-inspiring tale that's caused millions and millions of deaths.

Many years ago there was a hardworking young carpenter named Joseph, and one day, Joseph and his friend Robby were hanging...

CHRIS: Guy's name was Robby back then?

PETER: The Bible is fuzzy on that.

Anyway, Joseph and Robby were hanging out one day when this happened...

So, I went to see that new Oedipus play last week.

Took my mother-- talk about an awkward ride home.

Barely got a good-night kiss.

Hey, Joseph, check it out.

Oh, my God, look at that body.

Can't you just imagine her standing on people's front lawns inside a cut-in-half bathtub?

You should go talk to her and see if she can talk.

Uh, hi. I'm... I'm Joseph.

Oh, hello. I'm Mary.

Listen, um, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime.

Well, sure. That sounds nice.

You know, there's a beautiful spot outside of town where they dump all the foreskins.

You can sit on top and watch the sunset.

Oh, great, and maybe we could slaughter a lamb and light it on fire so that it rains.

Well, let's not go too fast.

Listen, I'll see you later, okay?

I've got to go sit in a circle with the other women and stare off into the fields.

All right, you got a date.

Yeah, I just hope it goes better than my last one.

Wow, Joseph, that was great.

Yeah, I got to say I'm a little disappointed.

When you said I could do you in your "mudhut,"

I thought you meant something else.

PETER: And so Mary and Joseph began their courtship.

But even after several dates, Joseph couldn't get to first base.

Not just because Mary was a virgin, but because baseball would not be invented for 1,800 years and nobody knew what the hell he was talking about.

You know this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in.

It was back when they were like, "Drown all the girls," and then they were like, "Don't drown all the girls," but she was born on a drowning week, so, you know.


Oh, look at that-- there's hardly any blood.

You're very healthy.

Well, I try to take care of myself.

Joseph, this is the most fun I've had in a while.

That's good, that's good.

Pull your pants down. What?

Come on, this is our seventh date.

It's completely natural.

Birds do it, bees do it, dinosaurs whom we live alongside do it.

Joseph, I can't.

People will talk.

So, what? They'll talk in Aramaic.

Do you understand that? I don't.

Look, you're very sweet, but I have to save myself.

For who? There's only 30 people in the whole world and you're related to half of them.

I can't believe how hard you're making me work.

Well, I do have a very good virginity coach.

No, no, no.

Okay, I think I got it. How's this?

(imitating): No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Look, I can't explain it, but something is telling me to wait.

Something deep, deep inside of me.

Stop talking like that or I swear to God I'm gonna Pompeii all over this blanket.

(laughing): Oh, you're silly.

Come on, let's just watch the show.

(all shouting angrily)

Wow, she's really getting it.

Yeah, I know that girl-- that's Donna Magdalene, and her sister's a bigger slut than she is.

You know, we Jews got it right, working with our hands.

Yeah, let those eggheads in Rome do the brain work, we Jews will do the brawn work.

Hey, Italians, put a book down once in a while.

Yeah, yeah, right. Definitely, yeah.

Put a book down.

Hey, so, uh, you've been seeing that girl Mary for some time now.

She's pretty smoking.

Aw, man, she is so hot.

She's gonna go down in history as "Hot Bitch Mary."

You know, I'm thinking of popping the question.

Really? Yeah, I figure I'm 14 now, I'm not getting any younger.

Hey, look, it's the burning bush!

Hail Mary, full of guys.

Oh come all ye face-full.

Come on, guys, that's really dirty.

Hi, Joseph.

Hey, Mary, what's going on?

Oh, I just thought I'd take a break from pooping in the open street to come see you.

That's nice.

Listen, can you come by my house later?

There's something important I have to share with you.

Okay, sure.

I'll come by around that part of the day when the sun goes away and we're all terrified it will never come back.

Okay, bye.

Wow, you're a lucky man, Joseph.

I know.

So, what have you got going on later?

I think I might hang out in the town square.

I hear an oracle from Greece is sending a funny message and I want to be there when it arrives.


Penis. Ha.

Hey, Mary.

Oh, hi, Joseph. Come on in.

Thanks, hey, listen I just got tickets to see Cher in Bethlehem.

You want to go?

I guess-- how close are the seats?

Row L-X-V-I.

That sounds great.

But, look, Joseph, there's something I have to tell you.

I'm pregnant.

From my finger?

No, you don't understand.

God has blessed me with his child.

You banged Kevin God from South Nazareth?

No, no, Joseph, I mean God.

I'm carrying God's baby.

He-he sent down an angel.


Fear not, pretty lady who ain't never had no relations.

I's been sent to bring you the message that tonight you's gonna be getting pregnant with the Son of God.

It's a miracle, yay!

I am?

Yeah, and it's gonna be here soon, so you might want to spruce yourself up.

Maybe walk in the creek a little bit.

Oh, and he probably don't want me to tell you this, but be ready 'cause he might give you a little bit of a donkey punch.

So you're saying God got you pregnant?

Yes, Joseph. Glory in the highest!

Well, if it his will, then his will be done, and I am but his humble servant.

But I do have one question.

Was he bigger than me?

Joseph, it wasn't like that.

I felt nothing.

Oh, little guy.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to A Christmas Carol.

(wind blows)

I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Oh, hello.

I am here to show you how you lost your way.

Um, oh, okay.

How long is this gonna take?

I don't know, maybe eight minutes?

Okay, hang on, I just got to use the bathroom.


(urinating continues)

(urinating continues)

(tapping buttons)

(urinating continues)

I am the Ghost of Christmas Pres...

Wait, you haven't gone yet? No.

(urinating stops) Okay, here we go.

(farts) Sorry this is turning into something else.

All right, kids, gather around.

Time to make our yearly terrible call to Great Aunt Helen.

(buttons beep)

(phone rings)

HELEN: Hello?

Hi, Aunt Helen, it's Peter, Lois and the whole family.

Peter's lowest what? We're calling to say Merry Christmas...

Are you there, dear? We-we were just calling to...

We had quite a cold snap here. I hope you got our card.

Okay, nobody talk-- we'll just wait for her to talk.

Are you still there, dear? Well, we just wanted to...

Damn it!

So, how was the... It's been rather cold.

The pond froze over a family of raccoons.

Are you there, dear? All right, well, Merry Christmas.

Dad, can we hear more of that story about the baby Jesus?

Ah, right. Now everybody listen up while I stuff the rest of this rhetoric down your throats.

Now, if you remember, Mary and Joseph were on their way to Bethlehem.

Uch, look at that.

I remember when this was all desert.

You know, when the baby comes, we could probably homeschool him.

I can count up to nine.

Yeah, hey, so tell me one more time how it is that God got you pregnant.

'Cause when you tell me the story, it sorta makes sense.

But then when I tell the guys at work, they poke all kinds of holes in it.

So, you guys are going to Bethlehem, huh?

I went there one time on a donkeys' night out.

Oh, my God, I got so hammered!

(electrical whirring)

PETER: And as Mary and Joseph made their way to Bethlehem, three wise men were preparing for a journey of their own.

Chris, did you get a haircut?

CHRIS: I did.

PETER: I'm just noticing. It looks nice.

Hey, what's this?

Hey, you guys, this says a King of Kings will be born in Bethlehem, and we are to go and pay tribute.

Hey, let me see that.

This says, "Three Magi or Resident."

I don't think th really care if it's us.

Yeah, I don't want to go, either.

Hey, isn't your mother-in-law visiting tomorrow?

We're off to Bethlehem!

(canned laughter)

Wise men.

Wow, I can't believe we're ready here.

Yeah, it's amazing how small the world is now thanks to mules and camels.

You're anywhere, just like that.

Oh, my!

You can really tell we're in the big city now.

Yeah, they got everything here.

They got restaurants, they got museums.

They even got movies.

ANNOUNCER: Coming soon, get ready to start seeing double!

It's Ben-Him and Ben-Her!

Starring Adam Sandler and...

Adam Sandler?!

Yoo-hoo, Benny!

That's my brother on that chariot!

I'm driving here!



Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

(Announcer laughing)

ANNOUNCER: And introducing that joke!

Ben-Him and Ben-Her!

Even Noah wouldn't put these two together!

Cover your privates!

Everyone can coli-see-um!

PETER: Meanwhile, the three wise men were making their way across the desert.

Hey, did you hear they're coming out with four more Commandments?

Uch, all that stuff does is interfere with small business.

Oh, no, we're out of water.

We gotta stop somewhere.

Look. That's King Herod's palace.

Maybe we can get water over there.

QUAGMIRE: Wow, look at that classy, Middle Eastern house with gold and marble.

People will always want to live next to big Middle Eastern houses with gold and marble.

Uch, I'm so bored.

How's the TV coming?

We are a long way off.

Excuse me.

We are three wise men on a long journey.

Could we trouble you for some water?

Sure. Not quite wise enough to pack any, huh?

So, what brings you to Judea?

We're on our way to Bethlehem to see a magic baby.

Magic baby? What's he do, card tricks, rabbit in the hat?

Would he let someone in the audience punch him in the stomach?

I'd like to punch a baby in the stomach.

You can't punch this baby.

He's the Messiah.

Yes, they're even calling him the King of Kings.

Yuck. He already sounds like a dick.

Okay, then how about this?

I'm the King of King of Kings.

Ha! New name! Called it!

Sounds like somebody's a little threatened.

No, I'm not. Would a guy who feels threatened make sure all his advisors are shorter than him?

Ha! You said it, King!

That's telling him!

Big guy!

You know what? Still, just to be safe, I should probably kill that baby.

Then Jodie Foster will love me.

Welcome to the Motel Shiksa.

We won't leave the light on for you, because what, do I work for the electric company?

Yes, we were wondering if you had a room available?

Sorry, we're all booked up-- Cher's in town.

You won't find a room in the city.

No room? Joseph, what are we gonna do?

Don't worry. I got this covered.

No rooms, eh?

Well, perhaps you have a room for my good friend fistful of sand.

Where's your money?

I spent it on sand.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

But, sir, please, my wife is with child and about to give birth.

And I am with burrito and about to do the same.

Sir, if you don't leave now, I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I.

Yeah, we, we did one of those earlier.

Yours is better, though.

We probably should've waited for yours.


Joseph, my water just broke!

It's time!

Oh, my God!

Please, you've gotta have some place for us!

We're desperate!

Well, there's a manger out back.

You can stay there.

That's fine, that's fine! We'll take it!

CHER (in distance): Bethlehem!

I have one question for you!

(pop song plays)

♪ Do you believe in life after love? ♪ Dah... See? I told you she'd open with that.

So, Joseph and Mary were turned away from the inn.

But, Dad, I still don't understand the whole Immaculate Conception thing.

How can anyone get pregnant without having sex?

Oh, there's lots of stories of that, Meg.

Cleveland's got a cousin who had eight girlfriends get pregnant, and he says he's not responsible for a single one.

Good guy. You shake his hand, it feels like you're touching a nice briefcase.

But back to our story.

All right, here we are.

This seems pretty gross.

I can't believe my baby's gonna be the Son of God.

Looks like all those years fighting off my own father's advances have finally paid off.

What shall we name him?

Well, this is kinda like a barn.

We could call him Barney.

Yeah, maybe.

Or I kinda always liked Tristan.

Oh, my God, you want him to get the crap beat out of him?

They will crucify him with a name like that.

No, no, no.

What are you doing? How long you been there?

Those names is no good.

Look, why don't y'all just give me a list, I'll run 'em up to God, and see if he picks one.

No... no...

That's the name of a champagne.

No... no...


These are all just terrible!

Relax, God.

You want me to get y'all some wine and cheeses?

Wait, what'd you just say?

Cheeses. You want some cheeses?

And that's why you're allowed to eat as much mozzarella as you want in any church.

So the three wise men set off again on their journey.

You sure this is the right way?

Yes, I'm sure. We follow the star.

Are you sure that's a star?

We've had this conversation!

Yes, it's a star!

It's got flashing red lights!

Oh, my God! It is a (bleep) plane!

And I said that yesterday, you stupid idiot!

Hey, thanks for coming out on such late notice, Doc.

Oh, you don't have to thank me. This is a big deal.

It's not every day that God bestows a woman with his son.

Has it ever happened before? Yeah, once.

But the woman drank during her pregnancy.

The kid came out a real lemon.

I turned this water into poo!


I also turned this fish into poo!


Do you want your birthday present?

I think I know what it is.

(laughs) It's a cashmere sweater.

Oh, wow!

That's actually really nice.

And now it's poo!


Well, here we are.

Okay, guys, squeeze in.

Bible photographer.

Okay, we're smiling, we're happy to see Jesus.

There we go.

Hey, guys, watch your step in there.

That floor's gonna be dripping in virgin olive oil.

That's kinda hot. Gross.

Hello, we are the three wise men.

We came here following a star.

Those two statements contradict each other.

We also come bearing gifts.

I brought frankincense.

I brought myrrh.

And I brought you a breast pump, which in these times is just a guy.

When do I start?

Oh he's coming!

Oh, it hurts so bad!

God, I hate working on Christmas.

Oh, here he comes.

And... BC turns to AD!

How's everybody doing?

Oh, he's a miracle!

Hey, if you're a virgin, how come I shot out of there like a greased-up cannonball?

Greetings! I have come to see the newborn king, but sadly, I bring no gift.

Well, what do you got in your hand there?

Uh, my drum.

Well, then it looks like you got him a drum.

Pretty good gift. But this is all I own.

It's what makes me the "Little Drummer Boy."

Yeah, the baby wants the drum.

Yeah! Drum!

Okay, nobody touch my hair. I'm growing it out.

Also, I'm gonna start dieting and working out so I'm like crazy lean for the, you know, for, for, for the thing.

(hoofbeats approaching)

What the deuce?

Bring out the Christ Child! We want him!



I may have a virgin mom, but I am one bad mother.

(horse whinnies)

Ah! Ah! You guys get him! You guys get him!

I forgot something at the palace!

Pa-choo! Pa-choo! (makes explosion sound)

And that is the story of Jesus.

That was awesome, Dad!

Oh, my God! I just realized that's the same Jesus as the Jesus from church!

That's a beautiful story, Peter, about people coming together to form something greater than themselves.

(knocking on door)

Yes, can I help you?

Hi. We're from out of town and our car just broke down!

My wife's in labor. Can we use your phone?

What?! No!

LOIS: Peter, who is it?

Couple of freaking scumbags working some scam, saying how they want to use our phone.

What?! Do they want all the presents under the tree, too?!

Get rid of 'em!

They're not gonna do that, are they?

Dad, shut the door, it's freezing!

Please, you've gotta help us!

You're lucky it's Christmas or I'd call the cops on you dirty grifters!

Now you and your whore wife get out of here!

Peter, you handled that perfectly.

Merry Christmas, Lois.

MAN: Please! We're begging you!

I'm getting the baseball bat.