Family Guy S11E9 Script

Space Cadet (2013)



(indistinct chatter and laughter)


(passing gas)

Chris, would you like to read your personal essay?

Okay, Mrs. Donovan.

"Following Mrs. Donovan" by Chris Griffin.

"The first thing that Mrs. Donovan does

"when she gets home from school

"is put on sweatpants.

"Then she eats a whole tube of cookie dough, "but she must be allergic to it

"because there are tears coming out of her eyes

"and she always throws up right after.

"Then she puts paper doll clothes on a picture of a sonogram."

Chris, I think you should stop.

What? I'm doing the best I can.

I'm not Nathaniel Hawthorne.


Nathaniel, what are you doing?

Just ruining ninth grade for everyone.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I called you in today because your son, Chris, has been getting in quite a bit of trouble lately.

In fact, just yesterday, he tried to pass this drawing off as his Advanced Art project.

Oh, my. I'm very embarrassed.

Well, someone should be.

I'm sorry, Principal Shepherd.

We've tried talking to Chris.

We just don't know what else to do.

Well, I think we may have a solution.

We have these cats that hang around the school, and we feed them.

Why doesn't Chris come in, and we can treat him like one of the cats?

And in a couple of years, we'll give him a diploma.

That doesn't sound like he'll be getting the best education.

I don't know, Lois.

Some of those cats go on to get pretty good jobs.

(meows) Yep.

ANNOUNCER (over TV): We now return to Breaking Bad.

(eerie whirring over TV)

You will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone you know.

I will recommend Breaking Bad to everyone I know.

Breaking Bad is the best show you've ever seen, except maybe The Wire.

Breaking Bad is the best show I've ever seen, except maybe The Wire.

You will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.

I will never stop talking about Breaking Bad or The Wire.

Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.

What are we going to do about him?

What the hell happened to all the smart genes in this family?

I mean, I invent the razor blade comb, and my kids are doing nothing.

I mean, when Chris grows up, will he even be able to get a job or take care of himself?

And what's he going to do when we die?

♪ Ooga chaka, ooga ooga, ooga chaka... ♪

♪ I can't stop this feeling ♪

♪ Deep inside of me... ♪ I feel awful saying it, but I'm kind of embarrassed by him sometimes.

I know, and he's got boobs, too.

Stupid guy with boobs.

Acting like he doesn't want us to look.

He wants us to look.

CHRIS: Stop making fun of me!

(both gasp)

I just wanted to listen to you guys have sex, but you were saying mean things about me.

Chris! Oh, my God.

No, we weren't talking about you.

Yeah, we were talking about Meg.

We call her Chris so she doesn't know.

MEG: (bleep) you! Shut up, Chris!

I know that's not true.


Oh, God.

Peter, he heard us call him stupid.

His own parents.

What have we done?

Well, you know, Lois, it's never easy hearing the truth.

Especially from a fortune cookie.

What does it say, Peter?

Uh, just something about perseverance.

What does yours say?

It says I'm very creative.

Oh, by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my teacher gave you something to sign to get him kicked out.

Hey, Chris!

There's my big, smart son.

My special guy, my Chrissy.

Sounds like someone got her vibrator working again.

Oh, look out, everyone.

Double-digit IQ joining the table.

Hey, smarty, think fast. Aah!

He knows. He knows it's hot.

'Cause he's smart.

I don't want to talk to you guys.

You called me an idiot.

Oh, Chris, you must have just misheard us.

I was standing right there.

How is that possible?

'Cause you're an idiot-- that's how.


I'm going to school!

It's Sunday, right?

Peter, we've completely destroyed his self-esteem.

We've got to do something.

You know, Lois, if Chris is having confidence issues, they have camps for kids like him.

What do you mean?

Well, they take kids who struggle in school and help them gain self-confidence in a nurturing environment.

Wow. That's actually a great idea.

We don't got no money for camp.

We're saving up to go to Europe.

Peter, we went to Europe. You didn't like it.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

My TV isn't here. Let's go home.

ANNOUNCER (over TV): We now return to Canadian Horror Story.

Hey, hon, we're out of Molson.

Oh, not to worry.

We've got some Labatt's in the garage.

And could you get one for the ghost?

Boo, eh?

Hey, Chris, could we talk to you?

If you're going to insult me again, just go away.

Look, honey, we're sorry, and we want to do something special for you.

This is a Hamilton Beach blender we got on our wedding day.

It keeps coming back to us in a vicious regifting cycle.

No, Peter.

Chris, we were thinking of sending you to camp.

And we're going to let you choose which one.

This one's called Camp Helmet.

This one's called Camp Sit 'N' Stay.

These camps don't sound fun at all.

Well, Chris, camp is only as fun as you make it.

That's how it was in World War II.

Don't suppose it would help to say I have a note from my doctor.

(laughs) Get in there, you.

Hey, this one looks cool.

Space Camp.

"Spend a week doing intensive math and science, learning from real astronauts."

Space Camp?

I'm sorry, that one must have accidentally gotten in with the rest of them.

What are you saying? That I'm too stupid for it?

Chris, we're over here.

What are you saying?

That I'm too stupid for it?

No, no, of course not.

Then this is the camp I choose.

Yay! I get to go to Space Camp!

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

You guys are the best parents ever!

Would you excuse me a moment?

These are mine now.


Oh, honey, when we accepted those mugs, we knew this could happen.

You know, Chris, it's not too late to change your mind about Space Camp.

Sometimes it can be tough to fit in with a new group of people.

Yeah, I sure had my troubles when I got involved with the Boy Scouts.

At no time were the campers and Mr. Griffin naked simultaneously.

They merely engaged in horseplay.

Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys?

Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations.

Mom, I can handle Space Camp.

I'm not stupid.

Well, regardless, on the way back, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed.

Peter, that was the University of Florida.

Welcome to Space Camp.

Hi. We're here to register our son, Chris Griffin.

Oh, great to meet you, Chris.

Hey, this kid means the world to me.

Keep an eye on him, huh?

Hey, what's that? I thought all the space shuttles were decommissioned.

Well, we always keep one spacecraft flight-ready in the event a satellite needs service, there's a space station emergency or an Italian guy needs to overexaggerate.

I swear to God, Johnny, I've had it up to... with your BS.

Ooh, he's really had it this time.

I'm sorry, Louie!

All right, then.

Hey, what's that in there?

That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space.

Oh, cool.

Hey, come on, Brian, try it with me.

(Peter and Brian screaming)

Things got crazy so fast.

Bye, Chris. Good luck.

Take care, Chris.

Oh, and hey, if you get sent off on a space mission, um, don't be the black guy, 'cause you'll die.

I know you're going to have fun and make lots of good friends.

Yeah, and not fake friends, like guys whose wives are friends.

(women giggling)

You have to get me that recipe.

Oh, my God, the cookbook?

It's right in the kitchen.

Sports? No.

Movies? No.

Hiking? No.

Cars? No.

Porn? Porn?

Yes! Yes!

Gay porn? No.

Welcome to Space Camp, everyone.

Be sure to grab your physics textbooks.

And you may want to brush up for tomorrow's lecture on orbital dynamics.

Oh, man. I don't belong here, and they know it.

People can always sense a fraud.

Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there's a Chinese among us.

Rest assured, he will be found.

Security is launching a full-scale investigation into the genealogy records of every single one of our employees.

This man will be found, and there will be dire consequences.

Too bad about that Chinese guy, huh?

Campers, we are now in our state-of-the-art space shuttle simulator.

Hey, you're a girl. I just figured that out.

By the time you leave Space Camp, you will all be familiar with every device on board this craft.

What's this button do?

Why don't you go ahead and push it?

(rock music plays over speaker)

That's my band.

Okay, campers, let's see your astronaut haircuts.


Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Chris, that's a Russell Brand haircut.

(British accent): Oy, I don't know what happened.

I went to me barber at the shop, and I come out, I'm looking like this.

(laughs) You're talking different from how I talk.

Here's a bunch of money to be on TV.

If you all saw Apollo 13, you know they had to fix an air scrubber with just the tools in the capsule.

Griffin, I need you to use these tools to fix my marriage.

I can't do that.

Well, I can't be the only one who's trying.

(phone rings)


Oh, my God, Chris. What's wrong?

Mom, I hate it here.

I want to come home.

All the kids are mean, and I keep messing everything up.

Even Jinx the Robot is picking on me.

(robotic monotone): Hey, you've got something on your shirt.

Joke complete.

You and dad were right.

I'm not smart enough to be here.

Can you come get me, please, Mom?

Okay, honey, of course we will.

(phone beeps) Hang on, I got another call.


Lois, I'm at the gym.

I hate it here.

I want to come home.

Everybody's so mean.

And there's this one guy who follows me around and calls me fat.

Well, I suppose I... (phone beeps)

Hang on, honey, I'm getting another call.


Hey, is fat ass home yet?

Put him on, I want to talk to him.

Thanks for coming to get me, you guys.

Hey, no problem.

We spent thousands of dollars to send you here and made two trips to Florida in four days.

I'm glad we had you.

Well, I'm sorry, I thought I could handle it here, but I was wrong.

That's okay, honey, everyone makes mistakes.

Yeah, remember when the fat man brought home that cougar chick?

You make yourself comfortable, Beth.

I'll be right back.

Hi, young man.

I'm looking for a good time.


I'm worldly. I'm fun.

This ain't mileage, this is experience.

Not interested.

Listen, just so there are no surprises, don't be scared-- my stuff looks like someone spilled an apple pie in my lap.

(groans) Yuck.

Didn't you have any fun at all, sweetie?

Well, I guess I did get to go on the space shuttle everyday.

Really? No way.

I always wanted to be an astronaut like Lance Armstrong.

It's Neil Armstrong.

He lied about his name, too?

Wow, this is amazing, Chris.

Look at this, Lois. a week ago, we call him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle.

Negative reinforcement-- that's the key.

Right, stupid?

Ow! I'll do better.

So, do you know how all this stuff works?

Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch.

Whoo, big red button!

Stewie, no!


(computer whirring)

(engines rumbling) Uh-oh.

Chris, make it stop.

I'm trying.

(engines roaring)

I think... I think we're launching.

Oh, my God, everyone strap yourselves in.

Stewie, hold my hand.

No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.

If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

You know what, you only live once.

I am sticking my head out the window.

Yes, this is the best version of whatever's so enjoyable about this.

Mom, I'm scared.

I don't believe it.

Are we really stuck in space?

Oh, God, what if we have to live up here for the rest of our lives?

I'm gonna miss drinking at The Clam.

I'll tell you what I won't miss.

That waiter who thinks he has to be funny.

Yes, I'd like the chopped salad, please, and could I get no onions on that?

Hmm, I've got a few connections in the back.

I'll see what I can do.

Yeah, that's funny.

If there's one onion on that salad, you can forget the $1.80 tip you need to live.

I'm sorry, you guys, this is all my fault.

I never should've brought you on the space shuttle.

You were right-- I am stupid.

MAN (over radio): Hello, up there. Hello?

I know you all must be pretty terrified right now, but we're doing everything in our power to get you safely back to earth.

We're pretty good at this-- we're like six for eight.

Is there anything we can do?

Well, fortunately the ship runs on autopilot.

We just need some time to figure out your coordinates, and calculate the reentry plan.

So, just try to stay calm and we'll figure this all out.

By the way, you're all quite famous now.

You're on every news channel.

Good afternoon, I'm Brian Williams.

Our top story, an accidental space shuttle launch that has sent a Rhode Island family into orbit.

For more on the story, we go to our local affiliate Channel Five Quahog where Tom Tucker is on the scene.


Thanks, Brian.

I, uh, saw that you opened my birthday Evite.

Now I just need you to go ahead and reply.

I'm standing here at the home of the Griffin family, chatting with their neighbors.

So, the Griffins might be dead.

How does that make you feel?

Griffin dead? I take.

No, no, they might be dead.

They also might still be alive.

It's okay, I-I take.

(loud rumbling)

(loud popping)

Peter, what are you doing?

I'm going out for a space walk, Lois.

You know, this is our one chance to experience the awe-inspiring wonders of space firsthand.

Wow, neat.

So, this is space.

Damn it.

(girl laughing)

Ha! Stupid drunk bitches.

Hey, Brian, check it out.

Meg's poking around the cargo hold.

I'm gonna give her a little scare.



Aw, boy, I think this space food has gone bad.

Peter, that's a fecal collection bag.

Oh, there's a bag for that?

'Cause mine's over there twirling in the air like a slow baton.

STEWIE: Well, someone's got to lead this marching band. Ew!

MAN (over radio): Griffins come in.

Yes! Yes, we're here.

Well, I have some good news.

The autopilot is capable of taking you home.

But guys... (static crackling) engage, we're gonna... take the shuttle out of...

(radio goes silent)

Hello? (static drones)

Hello? Crap, I think we lost him.

Let me fix that.

If radio deejays have taught me anything about radio, it's that you got to do two things.

Turn it up and rip the knob off.

Peter, no! (crackling)

Damn it, now we've lost communication entirely.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know, but we got to try something.

If we don't get this shuttle out of orbit soon, we're gonna run out of oxygen and die.

Is failure an option?

No, it's not.

Aw, that was my suggestion.

All right, come on, everyone, we got to put our heads together and try to find a solution.

Don't worry-- Griffins have a long history of figuring stuff out.

Like my great-grandfather who invented the first marital aid.

This gives me an idea.

She's dead.

All right, come on, if mission control thought we could help get the shuttle out of orbit, it can't be that hard.

Okay, okay, uh, try this.

Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

Then we'll have unlimited lives.

Come on, we're running out of time.

Oh, Meg, all your suicide threats over the years, and you're just as chicken (bleep) as the rest of us.

Hey, guys, I think I have an idea that could help us.

In Space Camp, we learned about countering forward momentum with retro rockets.

If we use them now, the ship might slow down enough for gravity to pull us out of orbit.

PETER: That's an egg that I hucked at you for being a nerd.

Chris, if you think it'll help, just try it!

Ah, we're slowing down. That's a good sign.

You know, what's not slowing down-- Breaking Bad.

Haven't seen anything like it since The Wire.

God, he never shuts up about those shows.

Oh, my God!

I think it might be working!


BRIAN: We're spinning out!

MEG: Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

There's so many things I didn't do.

I never got to go to college!

My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!

Peter, I wanted to grow old with you!

Well, you kind of did.

I never got to wear it better!

(grunts) I have to reorient the retro rockets to counter the spin rotation!


Chris, what are you doing?

(dramatically): Saving our lives.

Aw, I wish he hadn't said that.

Now I'm kind of rooting against him.

We're straightening out!

Ah, look! It says "autopilot engaged."

Good for him. I'm glad he found someone.

Oh, thank God, we're saved!

I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson.

Who's Derek Watson?

Nobody now.

They've re-entered the atmosphere!


I'm not cheering. I don't even know them.

(tires screech)


(cheering, camera shutter clicking)

Well, thanks to no gravity in space, my spine stretched and I am now a confident six, three, so, Lois, I will be leaving you for a hotter woman.

Never mind, Lois, I love you so much.

Chris, our family is alive right now because of you.

You saved us.

That's right, buddy.

It was your brains that pulled us through.

We're so sorry we ever doubted you.

Thanks, you guys.

You bet, champ.

Hey, by the way, who moved our house?