Family Guy S14E12 Script

Scammed Yankees (2016)

* It seems today that all you see *

* Is violence in movies and sex on TV *

* But where are those good old-fashioned values *

* On which we used to rely? *

* Lucky there's a family guy *

* Lucky there's a man who positively can do *

* All the things that make us *

* Laugh and cry *

* He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! *

We now return to the extended director's cut of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Charlie, don't forget what happened to the boy who got everything he ever wanted. What?

He lived happily ever after.

But he did have to earn it.

Hint, hint.

Do it, Charlie!

I'm not going back to that four-person bed!

Hell, I'll do it, if you want!

No! It has to be a child!

What did he just say?

Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.

Not appropriate?

You took me to see Magic Mike XXL.

Uhp, this one's wet.

Uh, this one, too.

Also wet.

Huh. This one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.

Let's put on something more child-friendly.

Time to "Too-tooty-too" with The Turtlenecks!

Oh, God, no. These guys are horrible.

* Do you kazoo? *

* I often do *

* When I am blue *

* I do kazoo *

* Tootooty-Too *

* Goes my kazoo *

* I will kazoo *

* Hey how 'bout you? *

Uch. All they're doing is announcing that they play the kazoo, and then asking if others also play the kazoo.

This doesn't seem so bad.

I mean, after all, it's a song for babies.

Yeah, but-but that's the thing.

Baby songs never tackle real baby issues.

You know, like-- like loud noises.

Or teething.

Or when Dad uses me as a lumbar pillow.

Eh... Ow. eh... Ow. Ow.


This thing works better in the car.

Well, how could they address baby issues?

Children's songs are written by adults.

And, dollars to donuts, white adults.

I-I-- Who-who are you mad at, Brian?

Uch, how much time you got?

Not enough for that, but you're right.

If you want a song a baby'll like, you've got to get a baby to write it.

Well, call John Mayer.

He's a big, fat baby.

No, I'll do it, and you can help.

Well, I... I did write a musical about Alexander Hamilton.

Not-not that one, but, uh, sure, I'm in.

Ooh, I'm excited.

This'll be great.

And those guys back at the factory can suck it.

I'm gonna get out of this place one day.

Hey, Butch.

Get a load of Stewie.

He says he's gonna get out of here.

You don't know me, man. I'm different.

I got ideas.

Hey, Butch, you hear that?

Stewie's got ideas.

Shut up!

I'm gonna go across that river and make it to the city on the other side.

I'm gonna be a singer.

Bublé over here says he's gonna be a singer.

Hey, Bublé, I got a tune for you to sing.

It's called "Get Your Ass Back on the Forklift, Lunch is Over".

Hey, Stewie, don't listen to those guys.

Follow your heart.

Shut up, Butch.

You're the loser of this crew.

Hey guys, you hear that?

Butch told me to follow my heart.

Dad, can I have 50 bucks for a shamrock tattoo?

It's time.

All right, but make sure you get it where everyone can see.

Hold on, Peter.

I-if Chris wants money for something, maybe it's time he got a part-time job.

He could mow lawns or-or babysit.

I can't work.

I'm too young.

Well, Will Smith's little kid works as a movie star, even though he looks like a wet baby horse.

All right, I suppose I could get a job.

Well, maybe even my old job as the guy racing through an airport at the end of a romantic comedy.

Taxi! Taxi!

Hey. Are you crazy?

Crazy for love.

The most amazing girl I've ever met leaves on a plane in five minutes.

Get in.

* I get knocked down, but I get up again *

* You're never gonna keep me down *

* I get knocked down, but I get up again *

* You're never gonna keep me down... *

What the hell's going on?

This guy's in love.

Is she worth it?

She's a once-in-a-lifetime girl.

I'll give you an escort.

* He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink *

* He drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink *

* He sings the songs... *

No charge.

* That remind him of the better times *

Final boarding call for Ashley's flight to stuffy New England college. Final boarding.

Ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa, child.

What's the hurry?

The love of my life, that's what.

We got a code Romeo.

Repeat, code Romeo.

If you get there on time, there's an extra 50 in it for you.

I love this job!

* I get knocked down, but I get up again *

* You're never gonna keep me down... *

Ashley, wait!

I wouldn't miss this for all the rush hour fares in Bigtown.

Chris, you came. Oh, my God!

Let me get my grandma.


Ashley. I love you.

Oh, you're groaning at me?

You paid $19 to fly Spirit Air.

You get what you get.

All right, Brian, I've written a few songs, all about stuff babies actually care about.

No more rainbows and unicorns.

Real baby issues.

Right, like heartworm and parvo?

No, baby stuff.

Oh, oh, human babies.

I didn't... I didn't realize there was an agenda.

Okay, look, just pay attention.

* Momma liked to party when you were in her belly *

* Drinking, she did some *

* Momma liked to party when you were in her belly *

* That's why you are dumb. *

I call that "Momma Liked to Party ".

Stewie, that's good. Hey, can I write one?

Yeah, we need as many as we can.

Our first gig is Saturday. It's a birthday party.

Wow, already?

How'd you book a gig so fast?

Easy. I figured out the perfect way to get the word out to middle-aged moms.

Musical entertainment, available for parties.

Hey. Where you drinking that Chardonnay?

Oh, hey, Chris, how's the job hunt going?

Terrible. I can't find a job anywhere.

A lot of people seem to be turned off by my dishonorable discharge.

What, from the Army?

No, it's a euphemism.

Oh, yucky.

Uh, you guys, I need help unloading the groceries.

My undiagnosed mom injury is flaring up.

These little things of applesauce better not be for desserts.

Go to hell, Glenn Quagmire!

I'm sorry, but Mondays are Asian only.

Why is your last name Wong?

It's my married name.

Now I see why you're here.

Geez, what was that about?

Ah, a little scheduling mix-up.

I am just so busy, I-I don't have any time to organize my own life.

Wait a minute, what if you had someone to help keep you organized? Chris is looking for work.

Maybe he can help you out, be your assistant.

Huh, maybe.

You have any references?

Uh, "cowabunga," "schwing," "yada, yada, yada."

Those are pretty good references.

You're hired.

Look at that. Look at the cake.

"Happy Birthday Charlie and Uncle Craig."

And Uncle Craig's written in a different color.

Oh, poor Uncle Craig.

Hey, is that your ex-girlfriend, Olivia?

God, what's she doing here?

She was always such a nightmare.

Olivia?! Oh, my God, do I look okay?

I hate this shirt. Switch shirts. Switch shirts!

Stewie? Oh, I thought that was you.

Hey, Olivia, hey, what brings you here?

Oh, the birthday boy and I met at Burt Reynolds' acting camp in Jupiter, Florida.

Well, I'm glad to hear you're still acting.

You know, the last time I saw you, you were...

Burning in a cardboard house? Yeah, burning in a cardboard house, yeah.

Uh, hey, listen, uh, I don't know if you've heard, but we're the entertainment.

Aw, that's good. Good for you.

Okay, great to see you.

Come on, Stewie, it's not about her.

It's about those six children watching and the spazzy kid who's just waiting for the snakes.

Bring out the snakes!

It's a hot crowd, have fun out there.

I'm gonna go feed everything in my van to each other.

Okay, kids, if everyone's done washing their hands from the snakes, we have some fun music for y...

No climbing on the boat!

Okay, now please welcome Red Shirt Blue Shirt.

All right, we're Red Shirt Blue Shirt, and here's a song we call "Mommy and Daddy's Room."

And we think it's one you can all relate to.

* When everybody's gone to sleep *

* And you've said good night moon *

* There's plenty of noise still coming *

* From Mommy and Daddy's room *

* Oh, Daddy says "please," Mommy says "no" *

* Daddy says "come on," Mommy says "whoa" *

* Daddy goes... , Mommy goes "ow" *

* Daddy says "I'm done," Mommy goes "wow" *

* Daddy rolls over and falls asleep *

* Mommy drinks wine in the dark. *

My God, did you hear 'em, Stewie? We're a hit.

We got to go out and celebrate.

Oh, he can't go out with you tonight.

He's got a date with me.

Really? Awesome.

Brian, I can't go. I'm not feeling well.

Stewie, I've been standing here the whole time.

But, you know-you know what, that's fine.

I'll just go have a dog-style celebration by myself.


Awesome time!

This is very fun for me!

Hey! Oh, hey!

This is fun, right? The best!

And me, too!

Great crowd, babe.

What are... What is this?

Oh, Olivia's president of our fan club.

She's also doing half the band.

Do you even know what that means?

Uh, let's just say I couldn't toddle right for a week.

Okay, you don't.

All right, if you'll excuse me, I have a poo poo diaper.

You really think this Olivia thing is a good idea?

Why wouldn't it be?

I don't know. It just seems like it always ends badly for you two.

And it can be tricky working with an ex.

Look at Kermit and Miss Piggy.

How are you feeling, Miss Piggy?

I heard you called in sick yesterday.

Yeah, I had a frog in my throat.

Right, Kermie?

Eh? Right?

Please stop drinking.

Okay, Chris, I think you're gonna be a great assistant.

Your paperwork appears to be in order, but before we get started, do you own a pair of rubber boots that you'd have to wear if you worked on a fishing boat?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

All right, I guess it'll be a light day today, but tomorrow you should come wearing those.

Okay, got it.

Now, the first thing I need you to do every morning is punch me in the stomach because I'm a bad person.

Is this a trick?

It's the furthest thing from a trick. Go ahead.

And it should be pretty hard, I'm a worse person than you think.

Okay, that's really good.

Now I need you to call Time Warner about my cable bill.

All right, this one is for all the mommies out there.

This is what we're really saying when we're crying.

* Please put some butt paste on my button *

* Butt paste on my button *

* Smear it on my button for the fire down below *

* Oh, oh, oh, butt paste on my button *

* Butt paste on my button *

* Need it on my button 'cause it *

* Cools and quells me so. *

* Stay away, stay away *

* From the big kid in the baby swing. *

* There's a little metal box *

* At the top of the stairs *

* In the back of the closet *

* And a tiny little key *

* That's hidden in a book *

* In the drawer with the socks *

* And I know how to use it *

* To open up the box *

* And that's where the gun is. *

You know, I talk a lot of smack, but at the end of the day, these guys are pros.

Even Broken Arm Coyote with Washboard.

Hey, let's keep this party rolling.

I'll go get us another badly-scratched plastic pitcher of soda.

Ugh, finally, he's doing something useful.

What? What do you mean?

Nothing. It's just, you write all the songs, you've got a better voice, you've got the sweet bod...

Oh, my God, babe.

Plus, you've got all the cool catchphrases like "damn you all" or "what the dude" or whatever.

Uh, it-it's "deuce." But, uh, but yeah, you're-you're right, it... I-I do.

Does it-does it sound through the mic like I'm saying "dude"? Should it be "dude"?

Meanwhile, everyone thinks Brian is the star of the group.

Who thinks that?

I don't know. I'm just saying, after every show, the fans are always petting Brian, and not you.

No one's allowed to pet me. It's illegal.

I just hate to see Brian getting all the attention that you deserve.

You should really watch your back.

Wow, it's hard to believe Brian would betray me.

I mean, he was there for me when I hit rock bottom.

See, Brian?

That's a rock bottom.

Thanks for being here for that.

Now get out of here, we're about to drink some Chardonnay.

Chris, could you please get Hannah a thank-you basket and schedule her next appointment?

I'd like to see her again in two weeks.

Of course. Mr. Quagmire can fit in you at 3:00 a week from Thursday.

That works.

And you know to fast the night before?


And would you like to leave your panties in the fishbowl for a chance to win a free lunch?

Good luck.

When you gonna do that drawing anyway?

Oh, there's no drawing, I just like smelling the bowl.

You know, you're doing a great job, Chris.

Why don't you jerk the rest of the day off.

Man, this is the best job ever.

And to think I almost took that pop-up restaurant gig.

Hi, you hungry?! Aah!

Check, check, Malia.

Check, Obama.

Check, check, check, Malia, Obama.

All right, that's a creepy mic check.

Let's just do a quick run-through of "Little Brother."

* I want a little brother *

* On second thought *

* I think I'd *

* Kill him dead. *

Could-could we just cut Brian's mic?

His humming sounds like my table's ready at Chili's.

Stewie, what the hell is your problem?

I'll tell you what my problem I'm doing all the work and you're just riding my coattails.

What are you talking about? I'm just as big a part of this group as you are.

Oh, really? You're writing about all your authentic baby experiences?

You asked me to do this with you.

Why you being such a dick?

Because I lost the baby!

What was that?

I don't know, he saw that in a movie or something.

Brian, this seems as good a time as any.

I think it's time to talk about your future with the band.

Are you serious?

You're actually kicking me out of the band?

Not at all. In fact, I think you and I should kick Stewie out.

And I'll take his place.

What? Bring out the snakes!

Does he just come to all of our shows?

So, you want to fire Stewie and be Red Shirt Blue Shirt with me?


You're the whole reason the fans even like the band.

Kids love dogs.

Besides, we've both seen what Stewie's become: an impossible diva.

Yeah, but he's my friend.

Yeah, well, your friend has been talking about kicking you out of the band.

Wait, what? He has?

And I don't know if you've considered this, but the clock is ticking on Stewie's cuteness.

Huh. I guess you're right.

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up looking like an exact mash-up of Lois and Peter.


Hey. I had a thought about our costumes for today's show.

I could wear a shirt that's both red and blue, and you can do spin art with all the wussy kids who are afraid to go on rides.

Yeah? Well, how about this, Stewie?

You're fired. Pardon?

That's right. Olivia's taking your place in the band.

You are looking at the new Red Shirt Blue Shirt.

What the dude? Uhp, you know what, "deuce" was right.

Come on, Brian. You and I should probably rehearse.

We've got a show in 20 minutes.

Fine, go ahead! It's not gonna be the same!

Like Cheers wasn't the same when they brought in Kirstie Alley.


No, I'm-I'm Rebecca.

Meg, do you know how to use Microsoft Excel?

Yeah. I'm actually pretty good.

Yeah, you would. Dork.

But I do need to make that spreadsheet or I'm fired.

Oh, my God.

Peter, our dishwasher is full of sex toys.

Oh, yeah, Chris put those in there.

It's for his job. He's workin' for Quagmire now.

He's washing sex toys for Quagmire?

Not just that. He also takes pictures of Quagmire's genitals to track sore growth.

So, brace yourself when you open iPhoto.

It's on the "Griffin Family" account.

Peter, my parents have access to that.

What's wrong with this worm?

And you knew about this?

How could you let him do this disgusting stuff?

What? You're the one who wanted Chris to get a job.

Yeah, like mowing lawns or trimming bushes.

Oh, he's doing one of those.

That's it.

I'm calling Quagmire right now and putting an end to this.

You have reached Glenn Quagmire.

Neither he nor his assistant is available.

To schedule a liaison, press one.

To cancel a liaison, press two.

If you're calling to report a pregnancy, please fill out our online form, and we will mail you a check for $180.

Thank you, and have a giggity day.

Chris, this is your mother.

Get these dildos out of the dishwasher.

* When everybody's gone to sleep *

* And you've said good night moon *

* There's plenty of noise still coming *

* From Mommy and Daddy's room *

* Oh, Daddy says "please", Mommy says "no" *

* Daddy says "come on", Mommy says "whoa" *

* Daddy goes... , Mommy goes "ow" *

* Daddy says "I'm done", Mommy goes "wow" *

* Daddy rolls over and falls asleep *

* Mommy drinks wine in the dark. *

Thank you, Quahog.

That was great. They loved us.

Yeah, I guess, but did you see what I saw?

That kid with the cane?

Yeah, what do you think is wrong with him?

No, Stewie was out there.

So? So?

We're singing a song he wrote.

This whole thing was his idea.

Brian, don't mess this up.

We've got a good thing going.

I-I hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid Red Shirt Blue Shirt is done.

I can't do this. I'm out.

I don't care. I don't need you.

I can get a hundred dogs to fit that stupid blue shirt.

You're a monster.

Like Frankenstein, when he became a loan officer.

So, I'm looking for money to open a small business.

We plan to sell antique lamps.

Handmade blankets.

And pitchforks.

Chris, there you are. We need to talk.

What, are you walkin' a horse?

Did Quagmire get a horse?

Oh no, here we go.

I want a horse!

Peter, it's not a horse.

Chris, what the hell is that?

Oh, this is Mr. Quagmire's horse gimp.

What is a "horse gimp"?

It's a sexual fetishist who derives erotic pleasure from dressing in horse-themed leather gear.

Want to see me feed him a carrot?

Absolutely not. Hell yes.

Chris, this is no job for a teenage boy.

You have to quit right now.

I can't quit. I'm actually good at this job.

Plus, I'm making decent money.

You could work at the pharmacy.

Quiet, Triscuit!

Ooh, hook me to the plow!

Chris, I have $1,100 in a paint can in the garage.

Just take that, and we'll never speak of this again.


Great. Now let's all go home.

Well, that's what I get for horsing around.

Ah, your joke wasn't funny enough.


Oh, hello, Brian.

I'm here to apologize.

And to let you know I quit the band.

You did?

Yes. It's nothing without you.

You were the band.

Those were your songs.

And I'm sorry if I let Olivia manipulate me.

I guess she manipulated both of us.

There's just something about her flat chest and muscular legs.

Look, I never should've treated you the way I did.

I suppose I didn't treat you so well either.

So, what do you say? Can we put this all behind us and go back to the way things were?

Of course we can.

Hey, I wonder if she's gonna keep the band going.

Probably. She told me she was just gonna replace me with another dog.

Yes, but who?

I don't know. Probably some dog neither you or I have ever met.

All right, listen up, you little pieces of garbage.

This song's about gettin' heartburn from baked clams.

And other kid stuff.