Family Guy S16E11 Script

Dog Bites Bear (2018)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

What are you doing to Dad?

What? I'm going to the grocery store.

Okay, you remember Memento? That.

Don't forget the cucumbers, Peter.

All right. Where's that?

Oh, hey, right, 'cause of that thing we started doing.

By the way, speaking of which, best "O" ever.

I felt dirty for an hour, but it's gone now.

Now I just can't wait for night.

I wish you hadn't said that at full volume in front of our children.

I can't tell if they have a really good marriage or a really bad one.

I feel like it's weird but strong.

Like Danny Trejo.

Thank you for noticing.

You ready for movie marathon day, Rupert?

Ah, I was born ready, too.

All right, time for Fast and the Furious one through seven.

All right, let's get (BLEEP) high.

You can't be high for this, Brian.

This is serious stuff.

This is a 14-hour meditation on the importance of family, fast cars, product placement, racial ambiguity and family.

Where's eight? Didn't that one just come out?

Someone said they were going to get me eight on Blu-ray for my birthday, and someone got me a limited edition Michael Kors pebbled leather tote bag instead.

You love that bag. I know. You're the best.

Okay, put in Fast 6.

You're starting with six?

Um, yeah. We're going in order from best to worst.

Six, five, seven, three... I know that's controversial...

One, four, two.

By the way, don't tell Rupert about Paul Walker being D-E-A-D.

He doesn't know.

All right. So, what's the plot?

Oh, you don't understand these movies.


What was that, Rupert?

Oh, yes.



I don't know. Maybe? Maybe bi?

That's Ludacris. That's not Tyrese.

What are you talking about? They look nothing alike.

Ludacris looks like a human peanut, and Tyrese looks slick.

He looks like a Chinese black.

Like Africa and Asia had sex while Europe sat on a chair in the corner of the hotel room and watched.

Ludacris, human peanut. Tyrese, Chinese black.

Are you gonna keep talking like this during the whole thing?

What? I'm answering Rupert's questions.

Now we're gonna have to rewind.

We just missed the scene where half the team steals a tank while the other half pretends to be a DJ for some reason.

Damn it. Yeah, okay.

I'm going to the bar. Suit yourself.

Rupert and I are just fine without you.


(LAUGHS) You're right.

I bet he is on his period.

Whatever that means.

La, la, la, la. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Gross, gross, gross. Ew, ew, ew.

No, no, no. No. Ew. Ew.

A loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter.

A loaf of milk, a container of bread and a Joe Dirt DVD.

A Joe Dirt DVD, Scarlett Johansson and treasure from a fish tank.

P.A. ANNOUNCER: Attention, shoppers.

Beloved cereal icon Boo Berry is now greeting customers in aisle six.

(GASPS) Boo Berry?

The Boo Berry?

Are there imposter Boo Berries?

Hey, watch it.

Oh, Mr. Boo Berry, I'm your biggest fan.

You're not the one threatening me on Facebook, are you?

No, no. No, not-not you. Not you.

Hey, you know what I always loved about your cereal?

It tasted like blueberries.

Oh, my God. Boo Berries.

And you're... and you're a ghost.

'Cause... So that-that's the "boo."

Did you guys know you were doing that? Oh, my God.

Anyway, can I shake your hand? Sure.

♪ ♪


I've been touched by greatness.

I am never washing this hand again.

This is the best thing to happen to me since I became a wisecracking, fourth-wall-breaking superhero.

Call me Redstool.

The treatment didn't give me powers, but it did spread cancer to my anus.

♪ Just call me anus ♪

♪ Of the morning ♪

♪ Anus ♪

♪ Just touch my cheek ♪

♪ Before you leave me ♪

♪ Anus ♪

♪ This violence juxtaposed to music ♪

♪ Anus ♪

♪ Decapitation ♪

♪ In slow-motion ♪

♪ Anus. ♪



Sorry, Rupert. I think I'm down for the count.

You okay if I go to bed?

Oh, I like that we're comfortable doing things separately, too.

Good night.

Do me a favor and don't wake me when you come up, though.

Yes, you do. You always step on the creaky board.

Yes, you do. Every time.

No, you're being a little bitch.

Don't go to bed angry.

Don't go to bed angry.

Defuse. Defuse.

Rupert, I'm sorry.

I overreacted.

Now you say you're sorry.

What do you mean, "For what"?

I hate you!


I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you. I value you.

We're not escalating. It's fine.

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.


VIN DIESEL: Hi, this is Vin Diesel.

Welcome to the DVD menu.

Why don't you grab yourself a Corona, hit play and enjoy the ride.

Hi, this is Vin Diesel.

Welcome to the DVD menu.

Oh, boy, you're hungover.

How are you going to do nothing today?

Oh, my God.



No! Rupert!


Hi, this is Vin Diesel.

Oh, man, did your friend kill your other friend?

That's betrayal.

That's not strong.

Danny Trejo is strong.

Aw. (CHUCKLES) Come on, guys.

This is getting embarrassing.

♪ ♪


You killed Rupert.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, whoa. Hey, what's going on?

You killed my best friend is what's going on.

Oh. Uh-oh.

Bear-killing bastard.

Oh, my God. Stewie, I am so sorry.

I-I was drunk. It was an accident.

I must have thought he was a chew toy.

So? If you were driving drunk and ran him over, would you still go to jail?

Yes! You killed him.

Let me make it up to you, please.

How about you kill something I love?

How about I do that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Okay, that's-that's fine. That's fair.

No, I-I meant, like-like... like my favorite tennis ball.

You're comparing Rupert to a tennis ball?

What is wrong with you?

No wonder you two never got along.

He always knew there was something off about you, and now we know what it was. You're a psycho!

Stewie, I didn't mean to... Shut up!

You don't understand. I... Shut up.

Stop trying. It's over.

Look at me. Watch. See what I'm doing?

Twitter: Unfollow.

Instagram: Unfollow.

Snapchat: Unfollow.

And there we go. Done.

We are not friends anymore.

But, Stewie... Bye.

Dikembe Mutombo, will you do the thing?

Brian, you are blocked.


♪ ♪

Why are you brushing your teeth with your left hand?

Can't risk the right getting wet, Lois.

Boo Berry touched it, and it is now a sacred space, like a temple.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna have middle-aged woman, boobs-falling-off-to-the-side sleep now.


Hey, Chris, have you seen...

What, uh... what-what are you doing?

Operating my thriving quinceañera dress business.

Do me a favor, stand on that chair?

Uh, okay.

So, what's up?

I'm looking for Stewie. He and I had a fight, and I'm scared he might've done something drastic.


You're the one who killed his friend.

Okay, I see he got to you before I did.

It's a stuffed animal, Chris.

Yeah, well, he cremated that stuffed animal, and he's going to Vermont to scatter the ashes.

What? I got to go after him.

Not until I finish fitting this.

How you feeling? Bueno? Fits good?

This isn't mine.

Do you or do you not feel bonita?

I feel bonita.

Wonderful, because you look bonita.

Gracias, cariña, puedes recogerlo el miércoles.

Pablo is gonna lose his mind.



Hmm. Well, violent murderers can often be found at bus stations, so why am I surprised?

You can't go to Vermont alone.

I'm not. Got Rupert with me.

He and I had an agreement, if he died first, I would scatter his ashes on a mountain.

If I died first, he would throw my body whole into the fountain at the Bellagio.

I don't care. I'm coming with you.

Well, you're not going to sit with me.

Oh, come on. If I don't, I'll get stuck next to that guy with the heavy hands.

Hi, doggy.


(CHUCKLES) Serves you right.

And a baby.



♪ ♪

I can hear you following me.

Good. I swear to God, do not take one step further, or I will hit you.

That's it!


Leave! Me! Alone! Murderer!

Stewie, stop! Stop, all right?

Look, why are you being such a jerk over a stupid bear?

Don't you disrespect the dead!

♪ ♪





He's not dead! He was never alive!

You take those words back!

He wouldn't care! He didn't hear them! He's a doll!

He was my best friend!

I'm supposed to be your best friend.

Well, you're not!

You're a bloodthirsty, cold-hearted murderer!

Fine. You're right.

You know what? It wasn't an accident.

I knew he wasn't a chew toy.

I was sick of you talking to him all the time.

I was sick of you complaining to him about me when I'm right there in the room.

And I was sick of always playing second fiddle to that bear!

He's not even real!

You did it... on purpose?







Oh, my God, Stewie!


Ah, I didn't know we were blowing it up.

♪ ♪

Rupert! Where...

Oh, there you are.

Stewie, you're hurt. It's just my ankle.

It's not a big deal. It's already swelling up.

Just let me... Back off!

I'm doing this on my own. For Rupert.


(SIGHS) Damn it, Stewie, just... just sit there, will ya?

I'll-I'll get us up.

I didn't want your help.

Well, you need it, so it's happening.

This isn't going to make me forgive you, you know.

That's fine.

I'm going to say uncomplimentary things about your ass the whole way. Go ahead.

You know, maybe it's appropriate that you're my ride up.

Rupert always called you my "bitch."

Want to know some of the other things he called you?

Fat Lassie.


Rin Tin Twink.

Poopy Snoopy.


Clifford the Big Red Sphincter That We See All the Time.

Because You Don't Put Your Tail Down.

Snoop Doggy Dick.

Hey, guys.


What the hell is that? My Boo Berry hand.

I swore I'd never wash it again, even though Lois keeps telling me to.

You should listen to her.

Yeah, Peter, that's disgusting.

Oh, yeah? Take that! Aah!

(GIGGLES) That started happening yesterday.

To the bathroom!

We got to get him to wash that hand.

Yeah. I'll text Lois, see if we can't all come up with something.

Just reply to that last GIF she sent of the sloth putting on the headphones.


I love that one.

Is it weird that we're in a group text with our friend's wife but not our friend?

No, what's weird is that your Bitmoji can walk.

I'm allowed to have legs in the phone world!


You know, once we're done here, I'm never speaking to you again.

Well, how the hell was I supposed to know it was gonna upset you so much?

How? How?!

You saw me spend almost every single minute of every single day with Rupert since I was born!

And you don't... up-up, hang on, hang on.

Another hiker going by.

One of us is going the wrong way. Heh.

Ha-ha-ha! When are they gonna put in the elevator, right?


I loved Rupert!

He was the most important thing in my life, and you willfully violated the sanctity and trust of our friendship when you destroyed him!

Stewie... I just don't get it.

You're so mature in so many ways.

You're... you're the smartest person in the house.

You're incredibly perceptive.

You're wiser than people 40 times your age.

Why is Rupert the one baby thing you're hanging onto?

Why are you so upset over a doll when I'm real and I'm still here?

Because Rupert was going to be with me forever!

He wasn't ever going to leave!

So what? I'm not leaving you, either.

Oh, really? Brian, let's be honest.

You're a middle-aged dog.

You don't have that many years left.

And one day, all too soon, I'm gonna be crying at your funeral in an Armani suit, and people are gonna be like, "Oh, nice suit," and I'm gonna be like, "Why are you talking about my awesome $2,000 suit... my friend's dead!"

Feels like that story is less about me and more about your suit.

Go to hell! Besides, if you don't believe Rupert was real, why are you so jealous of him?

Why does it bother you how upset I am?

That... is a very good point.

Damn right it is, you joyless, fake-wisdom-spouting...

Hey. Heh. When are they gonna put in the elevator, right? Heh.

Yeah. That other guy said that to me.

Nice shorts.

For the record, I would have preferred to dress as Frankenburry.

That doesn't make any sense. And this does?

If anything, we all three should've been.

Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Yeah, we missed an opportunity there.

It's fine. We did this wrong!

Joe, it's fine. It's... Cleveland, just ring the bell.


(STILTED): Oh, I wonder who that could be.

I'll get it.

Oh, my God! Count Chocula!

That's right.

Silly rabbit, Count Chocula tastes grrreat!

Oh, it's an honor to meet you, sir.



Wh-What's happening? We got you, Peter.

Yeah, there's a golf ball scrubber in there.

Just relax and let it happen.

No! No!

My miraculous tiny life-forms!




Where are we going, Father?

To a place better than this, son.


♪ ♪

Well, Rupert, we made it.

It's beautiful up here.

So should... should we just... sprinkle him around randomly, or...?

Oh, don't be a savage, Brian. What is your problem?

We have to have the ceremony first.

Dearest Rupert, we're here.

I never wanted this to happen, and it happened far, far too soon.


(CRYING): I can't.

You... you do it.

Wha... What?

You give the eulogy. I'm too upset. I can't.

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know, Just... just tell the truth.

Let-let Rupert know how important he is.

Okay, um...

Rupert was... a-a great bear, uh, a great, uh...

Power bottom. Right, right, okay.

But most importantly of all, he was a great friend.

He was always there whenever Stewie needed him.

He was understanding.

He always listened.

He made Stewie a better person.

Stewie... and I are both... incredibly grateful for all the time we had with you, and we wouldn't change a single moment.

Except the end.

Sorry about that.

Um, rest in peace, Rupert.

♪ ♪


Thank you, Brian.

That was... that was beautiful.


♪ How do I ♪

♪ Say good-bye ♪

♪ To what we had? ♪

♪ The good times ♪

♪ That made us laugh ♪

♪ Outweigh the bad ♪

♪ I thought ♪

♪ We'd get to see forever ♪

♪ But forever's ♪

♪ Gone away ♪

(HARMONIZING): ♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ To say good-bye ♪

♪ To yesterday ♪ (RAISES PITCH): ♪ To yesterday... ♪

♪ Go up there, Brian. ♪ Okay, Brian, now pour it out.

What? Pour it out, whatever you have.

Pour it out.

I have a Gatorade bottle full of pee from the bus.

Pour it out for Rupert.

♪ ♪

BOYZ II MEN: ♪ I don't know ♪ ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Where this road ♪ You're with Paul now, Rupert!

♪ Is going ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ To lead ♪ ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ All I know ♪

♪ Is where we've been ♪

♪ And what we've been through ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ If we get ♪

♪ To see tomorrow ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I hope it's worth ♪

♪ All the wait ♪

♪ Ah, ah... ♪

♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ To say good-bye ♪

♪ Bye ♪

♪ To yesterday ♪

♪ Day... ♪

♪ ♪ Rupert! You've come back to me!

♪ And I'll take ♪

♪ With me the memories ♪

♪ The memories ♪

♪ To be my sunshine ♪

♪ After the rain ♪

♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ To say good-bye ♪

♪ To yesterday ♪

♪ Day... ♪

♪ ♪