Family Guy S16E14 Script

Veteran Guy (2018)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Ah, the Aiwa Double Tape Deck.

The Waldorf and Statler of every thrift store.

(IMITATING WALDORF): The selection here stinks.

(IMITATING STATLER): Yeah, and so do the customers.



Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.

Hey, Brian, remember Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?

They have the magic girl-power jeans.

Holy crap, what happened?

I don't know. I-I think I turned into America Ferrera.

I don't want this. Help! Someone, help!

Looking passable, Stewie.

Looking damn passable.

Aw, crap, people we know. You know the drill.

We're donating, not buying. (FORCED CHUCKLE)

Just doing our part to give back to the community.

I'm gonna go wait in the alley.

Could you just ball them up and throw them out the window?

Putting on strangers' hats is always a good idea.

Thank you for your service. Huh?

My father's a veteran, too.

Thank you for protecting us and for posting revenge porn on Marine Corps message boards.

Oh, actually, I'm not...

I'm gonna start a trend of interrupting your sentences.

Well, no, it's just a hat. I didn't...

Thank you for your service.

Bless you and all of our veterans.

No, guys, I-I'm not really a vet...

I don't have time to hear the rest of your sentence, but thank you for being a veteran because you're definitely a veteran.

And I'm Cris Collinsworth from NBC Sunday Night Football.

On behalf of all TV football dummies, thank you for your service.

You're-you're welcome.

Wow. Feels real good to be a veteran, even better than buying a bottle of Newman's Own.

This makes me a good person.


Hey, someone just bought a bottle of bland salad dressing.

Now we can use all proceeds to do jihad stuff.

♪ ♪

Hey, Peter, what's with the hat?

I'm pretending to be a veteran. What?

Yeah, it's awesome. Vets get all the sweet deals.

I mean, you never see a homeless vet.

And people have been really nice.

Everywhere I go, they open doors for me.

Welcome, sir.

Thank you.

Hey, so when really fat people come, make sure we're opening both doors.

Guys, you could be veterans, too.

Look what happens when I put on sunglasses.


♪ Highway to the danger zone... ♪ Wow! I want to try.

(OVERLAPPING): ♪ Highway to the danger zone. ♪ It's loud being a veteran!

The hell is wrong with you guys?! (MUSIC STOPS)

Do I need to remind you I actually am a veteran?

And I'm sickened by the thought of trolling for free handouts on account of being a vet, much less pretending to be one.

Quagmire, what if I told you your glasses do "Playing With The Boys"?

The volleyball scene?

Go ahead, give it a whirl.

♪ I'm playing... ♪ Whoa! It's like I'm high-fiving with Anthony Edwards.

And it's not like I'd be lying.

There we go. Hey, another round for me and my veteran buddies.


Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs.

Well, that's great, but I'm not your dad.

I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a groupie I brought here for sex.

Dad, Family Guy just...

See, now, that's my daughter.

You guys got your video cameras ready?

Yeah. What's going on?

Well, as a veteran, I get to star in a viral YouTube video of me reuniting with my beloved pet.

So here goes.

♪ ♪

My pet is Christian the lion.

I'm doing two Internet things at once.

This is my heterosexual roommate, Ace, with whom I shared the lion two decades ago.

You look great, Peter. I have a family now!

You know, guys, if being a veteran is about anything, it's about getting half-hearted applause on a Southwest Airlines flight.


PASSENGER 2: Yay, veterans.

Holy crap, you're Eric Dane from Marley and Me, and other stuff!

I'm afraid you got to give us your front-of-the-plane seats

'cause that's what celebrities do for veterans.

Well, clear out, kids.

It's just part of the Hollywood deal.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you so much. This is why I served.

"USS Nathan James"?

Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.

The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on TNT's The Last Ship, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.

And Eric Dane. Uh-oh.

You guys aren't veterans at all. You're frauds.


Okay, we ain't real vets.

Quagmire served in the Navy.

The rest of us are charlatans.

Boo! You're terrible!

I fly Southwest to have a classy experience and you've ruined it.

Excuse me, gentlemen. You're under arrest.

What?! Why?!

You three are in violation of the Stolen Valor Act, which makes it a crime to pretend to be a veteran.

Oh, so suddenly it's a crime to break the law?

Mr. Quagmire, you're free to go, but the rest of you will have to come with me.

(IMITATING WALDORF): I thought we had it bad, being gay overhead bins.

(IMITATING STATLER): What makes us gay?

We've got bags in our mouths.


Hey, quick, put these on.

They're not gonna throw a veteran in jail.

Is this some kind of joke to you?

No, it was a sincere idea.

Real servicemen and women have made real sacrifices for this country.

And you. You're an actual veteran; you should know better.

I'm sorry.

You made a mockery of our whole family, Glenn.

Now, everywhere I go, it's like people are staring at me and whispering.

Court is now in session.

Judge Dignified Q. Blackman presiding.

You men are accused of violating the Stolen Valor Act, and that's years of jail time.

(QUIETLY): We forgot to get a lawyer.

But in view of your long service to comedy, I'm willing to offer a deal.

What kind of deal?

I'll waive the charges, but only on the condition that you men enlist in the military for real.

You three have to join the Marines.

Oh, my God. We could be killed! Please, no!

All right, how about the Coast Guard?

Yeah, that's fine.

Wow. Something happened.

Something just happened in court.

Glenn, if you were half the man I used to be, you'd stand up and join them. (QUAGMIRE GULPS)

Your Honor? I'd like to sign up, too.


I was checking my phone. What happened?

Excuse me?

That's right. I'm going with them.

The four of us will join the Coast Guard together.

All right. Report to the induction center tomorrow.

Court is adjourned.

NEXT CASE ON THE DOCKET: The People v. Ted 2.

Okay, come on, let's get out of here. Let's go. Let's go.

Good morning, recruits.

Welcome to the Coast Guard.

Sir, when do we report for basic training, sir?

Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff?

This is just the Coast Guard.

Now, come on. Who here can pantomime driving a boat?

Hmm, we got any boat guys here?

Whoa, look at that.

You guys should be recruiting me.

Now can you bounce with the waves a little bit?

Uh-oh! Getting kind of choppy.

Is this guy for real? This is idiotic.

This is nothing like what the Navy was.

Shh, Quagmire, I got to focus on my boat here.

The way people's talking makes me think we're gonna be dealing with a lot of water.

You guys seem to have what it takes, so raise your right hand as I recite the Coast Guard pledge.

"When you're here, you're family."

Isn't that the slogan for...? We had it first!


Everybody ships out tomorrow.

You'll find your assignments listed on this sheet.

Oh, crap. Where in Iraq is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"?

Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale.

We're being shipped out to guard freakin' spring break.

Sweet! All right!

Spring break on the land, not the water!

No, it's not sweet. It's a joke. This whole thing is a joke!

Compared to the Navy, the Coast Guard is totally unprofessional and incompetent, like that ancient Roman intern.

This is Markus. Today's his first day.

He's going to be crucifying you now.

He might want to use his hammer.

Ugh, sorry. I'm so bad at this.

Relax, you're doing fine.

Well, I'm off.

Oh, Peter, I'm so worried.

Where are they stationing you? I can't tell you.

That is on a knead-the-dough basis.


Florida?! Shh!

Hey, you be safe.

Wait, Dad, before you go, can you teach me to shave?

Well, for starters, bud, that's supposed to be on your pubes.

You got a secret inch hiding under there.

This is what I'm gonna be missing.

(CAR HORN HONKS) Well, that's an unrelated car honking, but I'm gonna go now.

♪ ♪

Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where all the art in every dentist's office comes from.

All right, let's get to work. Grab your binoculars.

We got to practice doing funny double-takes upon seeing a bikini woman.

Sir, should I say, "Aaoogah," sir?

Affirmative. And, Joe, I order you to just let the binoculars fall right out of your hands, but you don't even notice

'cause of how foxy the woman is.

All right, yeah.

I can see that we got the right skill set for this assignment.

Okay, guys, knock it off.

But, Quagmire, there's spring break boobs everywhere!

Come on, guys, I mean it.

This is important. I want you to start acting like it.

Wow, he's serious. He's very serious.

We're in the motel now.


Guys, we have to complete a 160-point inspection of this coastal patrol cutter.

I'll call them out.

Item one: hydraulic grapple-winch.


JOE: We're over here, painting clever names on boats.

JOE: No, Peter, it's supposed to be short and poppy.

Oh, okay.


Okay, guys, while I scan for disabled watercraft, I need a status report on that hydraulic grapple-winch.


PETER: We're busy; we're hanging out with Aquaman.

I told you, I'm not Aquaman.

I am the Sub-Mariner.

What's your deal? I'm just like Aquaman, but I can't get fish to do things.

That's the big thing.

I mean, isn't that all Aquaman does?

No, he can also breathe underwater, and he's strong, like me.

Isn't everyone strong underwater?

No, no. Not like me.

I can punch a big octopus a really long way.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Aquaman! Yeah!

Hey, make a fish do something.

Aw, shucks, guys, I don't know.

I guess I could do something like... this.

Wow, a real superhero.

I-I have little wings on my feet!

No, just-just, shh, shh. Ju... it's over.

It's over.


Hey, can you guys keep it down for a bit?

I got to have a FaceTime conversation with my wife where we talk at the same time, and then stop, and then start again, then laugh.


Hi, hon... Hi, hon...

No, no, you go... You go ahead.

No, I... Go ahead.

Y-You first. You first.


STEWIE: Hi, Pop. Oh, God, Stewie.

You've gotten so big.

No, I'm just in the foreground.

You're as tall as your mother now.

He... he doesn't understand perspective.

All right, let me say good-bye to Mommy.

Well, you take ca... Good-bye, hon...

You go... Oh, what?

You go... No, I was just gonna say...


Everything stinks.

Hey, Quagmire, where you going? I'm going home.

What? Why? 'Cause I'm sick of this.

I'm the only one taking the job seriously.

Hell, you guys still don't even know how to operate a simple hydraulic grapple-winch.

Okay, that's the third time you've mentioned the hydraulic grapple-winch.

Is that gonna be important for later?

I feel like maybe it is.

Quagmire, you can't just go home.

We're stationed here.

I wasn't sentenced, but I came anyway because I thought I could try and teach my friends what it means to serve their country, the way I did.

But you're hopeless, so I'm done.

CRIS COLLINSWORTH: And I'm still the voice of Cris Collinsworth, and I'm done, too.


Uhp, closet. (DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS) Now I got it.


I disappointed the stupidest guy in football.

I got to go take a sad pee. Me, too.

We should probably all go urinate together, outdoors, as a group of guys, while wearing backwards baseball caps, per Fort Lauderdale municipal law.


The Florida ways are the best ways.

FRAT BOY: Are we ready to attack?

FRAT BOY 2: We are! And many people will die.

What the hell's that?


Are we ready to attack?

We are! And many people will die.

Oh, my God. Those evil frat boys are planning to kill spring break.

And they only had time to record two lines of dialogue.

Are we ready to attack?

We are! And many people will die.


We got to stop them. All right, let's just find a quiet place to come up with a plan.

(LOUD CHATTER) All right, here's what we do!

We track down... (BLENDER WHIRRING LOUDLY) we saw talking and... (BLENDER WHIRRING)

Joe, you get us some... (BLENDER WHIRRING)

And, Cleveland, I want you to get... (BLENDER WHIRRING) buildings in the city.

I'm still very unclear about the plan!

Three more banana daiquiris.

We track down the... (BLENDER WHIRRING)

Did you see all of those guns and weapons those evil frat boys had?

I sure did.

And we still haven't nailed down a date for visiting Epcot.

But what can we do?

Quagmire was the only real soldier among us.

You're right. Compared to him, we're about as useless as one of those automatic bathroom sinks.

Uhp. Uhp.



Uhp. Uhp.

Uhp. Uhp. Uhp.


Uhp. Uhp.

What the hell are you doing? This is a women's bathroom.


Come on, guys, we don't need Quagmire to do the right thing.

I love that movie.

If there's gonna be an attack at spring break, we can't just stand by while people get hurt, or even killed.

Joe's right. It's up to us to stop it.

Because we're in the Coast Guard, and when you're here, you're family.



Great! Yeah!

Ooh! Yeah, yeah.

That food was all very salty.

♪ ♪

There's so many people.

We got to find those frat boys. Look for anything suspicious.


The Coors party ball is a dirty bomb!

No, Peter, it's not; it's just the coolest, freshest way to keep your party rolling is what it is.

This is hopeless!

There's no way to guess what their target is.

MAN (OVER P.A.): Final boarding call for the "Are We Ready To Attack, We Are, And Many People Will Die" booze cruise.

Okay, I got a feeling about that one.

Let's go! No, guys.

We'll never make it on foot.

We got to steal that kid's Jet Ski.

Peter, the boat's right there. We'll totally make it.

It's the only way, guys!

Peter, we're now literally standing on the boat.

That's how close the boat is.

Made it!

You wanted to ride the Jet Ski. I wanted to ride the Jet Ski.


How much you reckon a boat like this cost?

All right, everybody, freeze! This is the U.S. Coast Guard.

And when you're here, you're family.



Anyway, U.S. Coast Guard. You kids are...

What are we gonna do? We're way outgunned.

Are any of you familiar with what's referred to as a "Leeroy Jenkins"?

Well, I don't know what that is, but let's make a very long, elaborate plan.

All right, so I'll run in first and use an intimidating shout.

When my shout's done, I'll need Joe to come in and use his shout, too.

What do you think, Joe?

Can you give me a number crunch real quick?

Yeah, give me a sec. I'm coming up with, uh, 32.33, repeating, of course.

Okay, that's a lot better than we usually do.

So let's... Leeroy Jenkins!

Oh, my God, he just ran in. Let's go! Stick to the plan!

Let's go, let's go!

PETER: Aw, man.

Aw, we're dying.

JOE: Damn it, Cleveland.

PETER: Where'd they get dragons?

These guys have magic, guys.

JOE: I can't move.

Oh, God!

PETER: You know, Cleveland, you're an idiot.

CLEVELAND: This episode has a lot of Internet things.


Ah, crap, we're gonna die.


Quagmire, you came back!

That's right. Because I'm in the U.S. Coast Guard.

And when you're here... Oh, no, don't say it!


Ah, I'm glad you came back, buddy.

You really saved the day.

Hey, where'd you get the machine gun?

From the coastal patrol cutter.

"Machine gun" is item 49 of the 160-point inspection.

Oh, that was when I was writing homosexual stuff on the boat.

Too bad about the bomb. Bomb?

Yep. Right here on the boat.

Soon you will all do the foamy dance of death.

We are! And many people will die.

He just says that one thing.


(GASPS) The bomb is hidden in the foam.

Where is it?

Have you found it? No.

I was thinking next Thursday for Epcot, but no bomb.

You're wasting your time; the bomb will activate the moment the floor stops vibrating.

(GASPS) Did you hear that? Twerk!

Twerk like you're Miley Cyrus trying to prove something to your dad!

Found it!


We're all gonna die!

Oh, no, we're not. I stole a Jet Ski from a kid.

Ha, ha!

Oh, I forgot they do that.

Hydraulic grapple-winch!

Oh, yeah! From earlier!

We did it! It's over. 'Cause of you.

Thanks for saving us, Quagmire.

Eh, I was just doing my duty. Just like you did.

Good job, soldier.

Anyway, what matters is everyone's okay, thanks to the Coast Guard.

Because when you're here... (GUNSHOT)

I'm not going back to that restaurant.