Family Guy S16E15 Script

The Woof of Wall Street (2018)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪


What the hell?

Oh, hey, Brian. I was sick of waiting my turn outside the supermarket, so I bought every coin-operated horse in town.

I assume you're on the unicorn?

You know me well, sir.

Must be a dozen horses here.

How do you possibly have the money for this type of stuff?

Well, I'll tell you, but only on one condition.

Fine. Never mind then. Investing!

I invest in the stock market.

The stock market? Ugh.

What do you even know about that stuff?

It's easy... I just follow trends and invest accordingly.

For instance, there are more single people over 50 than ever.

So I'm investing in handguns and blackout window shades.

They don't want to be part of society, Brian.

They've made that very clear.

I don't know, Stewie, if you ask me, the stock market's just a rigged game where the top one-percent make out like bandits, and regular people get hurt.

Are you reading off a teleprompter right now?


The prompter's down. What do we do?

Brian, vamp!

So, great to be in Quahog, Rhode Island today.

That's why he's the best.

Our top story, an austere monetary policy has the European Union on the brink of collapse, threatening the entire global economy.

And for viewers making less than $40,000 a year, your top story is a big UFC fight this Saturday.

Wow, I can't wait to see that fight!

Me and the guys are gonna watch it at the Clam.

Peter, we have dinner with my parents that night.

It's my mom's birthday. You have to be there.

Lois, if you let me out of this, I will go to Meg's ballet recital in your place.



♪ ♪ PETER: I did not go to the recital.

Whew, what a day.

I asked Ms. Watson if she has any kids of her own.

Immediately put me in a time-out.

What the hell?!

Ay, díos mio!

Oh, great. Course it's one of them.

What?! Stewie, adults are allowed to say racist things because of traffic.

Oh, my poor '98 Toyota Corolla.

We all have '98 Toyota Corolla.

- Qué? I allowed to say racist things because of traffic.

Well, don't get so angry. Just tell your insurance what happened and then they'll...

Oh, you're driving away because you don't have insurance.

This sucks. Fixing the bumper is gonna cost at least a grand.

Tell you what, give me a hundred bucks to put in the stock market, and I'll take care of it.

The market?

Brian, you won't lose your money.

I promise.

(SIGHS) All right, fine.

Guess I'm not the first person to cave into family pressure.

Like Stephen Baldwin.

Why aren't you a bloated alcoholic yet?

I'm sorry, Ma!

What the hell?

Jerome, what are you doing? The fight's tonight!

Sorry, fellas, I just got a call.

My mom had a stroke.

I've got to go back to Long Island to see her.

Hey, a Mets fan, huh?

No, no, Joe, now is not the time to use your new conversation techniques.

I love her so much. Look at her.

So beautiful.

And there's no one to take care of her, so, unfortunately, I'll be gone for a while.

I got to close this place for a month.

A month?! I wish it was February.

'Cause, you know, that's the shortest month.

Nice one, Joe. You're on the board.

Look, I don't want to close the place either.

But I don't have anyone to run it.

Really? Well, uh, you know, we know this place better than anyone.

What if we run it for you? Yeah!

That's a great idea! B-story!

Wow, you fellas would really watch this place for me?

Are you kidding? Running a bar is my dream!

Well, that and waking up a rooster.


Enjoy the rest of your Saturday.

Hey, Brian, I need to talk to you about that money I invested for you.

I knew it. You lost it all, didn't you?

God, I never should have given you my money.

The stock market is a sucker's bet, like chasing your tail.

God, it's right there, and yet a million miles away.

What are the physics of that?!

I didn't lose your money, Brian. Quite the contrary.

Here's a thousand to fix your car.

And here's a thousand profit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

You made $2,000 in a couple days?

Yep. Oh, my God.

You got to teach me how to invest.

Okay, but I can see this is going to be a lot of work.

So in return, you must teach me Gymkata: the fusion of gymnastics and karate.

No, Stewie, I won't do that. It's too dangerous.

I swore I'd never teach Gymkata again.

Brian, there's a 22-year-old Mongolian heiress who's being held captive in a mountain fortress that happens to have a pommel horse in it.

There's no other way.


♪ ♪


Okay, I'm back. Ready to invest?

Why are you still wearing that unitard?

Can't get it off 'cause my hog's too big.

Well, here, let me help you get it off.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I pooped. I pooped.


What's going on with Nikkei?

What are you up to? Are you kidding?

I've been looking at stocks all morning.

I'm already up five percent on the day.

Wow, good for you. You're really taking to this.

I wish I'd brought you in on this earlier.

Together, we're going to make a fortune.

Well, now, hold on, Stewie. I'm not some run-of-the-mill Wall Street scumbag only in this for the profits.

For every dollar I make, one goes to me, and one goes to charity.

I'm gonna rent a Ferrari and cruise the pier.

You want in?

Well, cancer's not going anywhere.

I'm sorry, Billy, you're one dollar short of being able to afford the surgery you need.

STEWIE: Yeah! BRIAN: Money!

Sweet. I know those guys.


Wow, look at us, running the Clam.

Joe, why are you dressed like that?

'Cause I'm a mixologist.

Oh, cool. What can you make?

You name it, I can make it.

Could I get an old-fashioned?

Classic. Rum and Coke, coming right up.

And could I get a Moscow mule?

Rum and Coke for my comrade.

I'll have a whiskey... Rum... sour. Coke. Coming right up.

Could I get a rum and Coke? Uh, Pepsi okay?

Brian, I've got great news.

We're going for a ride in the car?!

No, our portfolio's up 30%.

In fact, we're so successful now, we have to make one of those sappy investment commercials.

BRIAN: Thanks to my investments, I've watched my money grow.

And my little girl.


Thanks for making my big day possible.

Don't thank me. Thank Fidelity.

Okay, I'm ready to marry you now.

Wait, what? No, I'm your dad.

Yes, you are. This is what's happening.

ANNOUNCER: Fidelity: We're there for you when your baby marries his dog-dad.

Stewie, why'd you bring me all the way out here?

Now that we're eccentric rich guys, we're going to go down 20,000 feet and pants James Cameron while he's excavating the Titanic.


(CHUCKLING): There he is.

This is gonna be so great.



Wow, business has really picked up.

I think it's because of the trivia night Quagmire started.

Here we go, next question.

And remember, no phones, people.

Playing an honest game, no phones.

Okay, "In what country..."

No phones, I'm seeing phones.

"In what country..." No phones.

I've been pretty cool about this so far, it's a gentlemen's game.

"In what country can you find the monuments called..."

I see phones. I see... all right, you know what, that's it, trivia night over!

Three cotton-picking weeks, and no one's gotten a single answer wrong.

Everyone's like, "Hey, settle down", we're not using our phones."

I see you using your damn phones!

Just... just give me my shift drink!

CLEVELAND: Technically, you got to finish the game before you get your drink.


"In which country..."

And you know, I think some people may be here because of me.

I spread the word about my sweet playlist.

This is just a bunch of covers of "Life Is A Highway."


Joe... you did a really great job.



♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to... ♪

(BLEEP), we went to the wrong place.

Hey, guys, I had a great idea.

You know how people love mechanical bulls?

Well, I got something even better!


A real bull?

If that thing gets mad, it'll destroy the bar!

Yeah, right. How can it get mad when I cinched its balls with my belt?

See, it loves it here. It's even picking out a song.

♪ Life is a highway... ♪ Excellent choice. You know, not to tell tales out of school, but I sucked my first jug to this song.

♪ If you are going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah ♪

♪ If you are going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it ♪

♪ All night long... ♪ Edgar, do you know anything about this?

What? N-No.


I was at Stanley Kaplan preparing for the A.C.T.

Well, then I am sanguine.




Guys, wake up.

Oh, man, the bull kicked our asses.

And totally trashed the bar.


What the hell is that?

Oh, that's my ringtone.

It's from Game of Thrones when Stannis's daughter is burned alive at the stake.

No way. It's from when Arya and that other tiny girl fight to the death.

Nah, that scream is from the Red Wedding.

It's the sound of a mama being stabbed right in the baby.

Hey, Jerome.

Hey, Peter.

I have some bad news.

My mama...

(SNIFFLES, CRIES) she's dead.

Aw, man, that sucks, Lois.

Your friend is probably just jealous.


There's nothing left for me here, so I'm coming home tomorrow. (SNIFFLES)

That painting's all I got to remember her by.

You take good care of it, Peter.

It's my prized possession.

JEROME: I'll see you tomorrow.

What are we gonna do?

Yeah. When Jerome sees that painting, he's gonna kill us.

Don't worry, guys, he's got another one over there.

Peter, that's Bruno Mars.

Bruno Mars?

Who's she?

He's a man.

And he's not even black.

He's a beautiful, mixed-up tomorrow person.

What is this place?

This is what you dragged me out of the house first thing in the morning for?

Yeah, it's a great company I found to invest in.

Korean. They make protein shakes.

The profits are off the charts.

Well, why is it in the middle of nowhere?

And why are there no windows?

And why is there a security guard out front?

All these questions?

This is why I didn't want to let you have a soda in the car.

It's not 'cause of the soda.


Something's going on here.

I'm taking a look.

What are you doing? It's just a protein shake.

And it's the cheapest on the market.

Uh, Brian, I think I know why it's so cheap.

They're made of dog meat.

Oh, my God, look at all those poor, sad dogs.

(SLOW VERSION): ♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah. ♪ They're all in trouble. Even Rover Dangerfield.

Oh, I tell you, I got to pay more attention, you know?

When the Korean guy said "shake,"

I thought he meant my paw.

Then he said I was gonna be protein.

I said, "Damn right, I'm very pro-teen", I'm dating a 16-year-old."

Oh, boy, I tell you, I came in this place a purebred.

Now I'm leaving it a purée.


No respect, no respect at all.

Brian, let's get out of here.

What do you mean? I'm taking a meeting.

This company's worth a fortune.

What? You still want to invest in this?

You can't be serious. Sorry, Stewie.

Wall Street is a people-eat-dog world, everyone knows that.

Oh, my God.

Brian, you've turned into a monster.


That's offensive to the monster community.

Yeah, some of us are nice.

Yeah, real nice.

Weren't you charged with sexually abusing a 16-year-old?

Elmo's accuser recanted and admitted the relationship was consensual.

Yeah, but wasn't there another case that was only thrown out because the statute of limitations had expired?

Elmo no comment.


(CHUCKLING): He wants a cookie.

Oh, I love the Muppets.

I can't believe you still want to invest in this.

They use dog meat.

How can you condone the eating of other dogs?

Oh, come on, Stewie, it's their way.

Who are we to judge other cultures?

Look, I'm investing in this company.

And if you're too scared to do it with me, then maybe I'm working with the wrong partner.

What are you talking about?

I'm the one who taught you how to invest.

You can't ditch me.

Sorry, Stewie.

When I left you, I was but a learner.

Now I am the master.


Yeah. No one in Star Wars says "hee-ya."

You know what, Brian, forget it.

We are done. You ruined this.

We were a good team, like Ricki and the Flash.

I love you, Ricki.

I love you, the Flash.

Stewie, I don't think that's right.

Ah, I didn't see the movie.

Yeah, no, I didn't see it either, but, yeah, the, "the Flash" was the name of her rock band.

Oh, you saw it.

Yeah, I saw it.

So did I.

This is stupid. -Come on, guys. We got no choice.

We have to paint that portrait of Jerome's mother ourselves, and this is the only class in town.

But aren't these classes just for lame chicks who want an excuse to drink together?


I'm having so much fun.

Me, too.

This wine is an artist.

And it painted my smile.


I don't think Paul really wants to marry me.

(WAILS) I, uh...

I'm not sure what we're doing now.

Hi, Brian Griffin.

I have an appointment to see your CEO about an investment.

Ah, yes, we're waiting for you.

Here, breathe deeply into this investors' rag.

All right. Now, I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, but, uh, "Boo. Cocky."


Can you believe Brian?

Thinking he can fire me when I'm the one who taught him?

I have had it with him.

Absolutely had it.

He's just so selfish.

He drives me crazy.

I don't know why I put up with it, I guess...

I guess I just have a forgiving personality.

But enough about that, I'm probably starting to bore you.

It's just that whenever I start talking about Brian, I lose all track of time. (PHONE VIBRATING)

You would think, after all these years together, that I could simply tell myself enough is enough.

STEWIE: You've reached Stewie Griffin. Leave a message.

(LINE BEEPS) Hey! Give me that phone.

Stewie, it's Brian, you got to help me, I'm gonna get ea...

Damn it.

Well, I guess Stewie's my only hope now.

I can't believe I might die like this.

I always thought I'd go the way all dogs dream about: slowly, and at great inconvenience to my owners.

Come on, boy. Here we go.

Here we go. Let's get you to the living room.


Lois, wrap one of his "walking to the car" pills in roast beef and peanut butter.

I'm gonna hold his hips while he stands confused in front of the water dish.

Go on, boy. It's right there.


Come on, boy, it's right there.

It's water. You like it.

There you go.

You're doing it yourself.

Oh, God. Jerome's gonna be here any minute, and then we're totally screwed.

Well, I guess all we can do now is the honorable thing: make realistic puppets of ourselves to leave in the bar for Jerome to beat the crap out of.

JEROME: What the hell happened to my bar?

And my painting!

Well, don't just sit there staring at me with your limp limbs and your straw-filled aid shirts.


Wow, it's working!

Good plan, Peter.

PUPPET PETER: Thanks, guys.

Oh, no, I left the real me in there.

He's falling for it, guys.

He thinks I'm me.

Come on, Stewie, check your damn messages.


God, that must be where they do the deed.

I hope it's at least peaceful and humane.

GROUP: Vick!

Oh, boy.

GROUP: And Eli Manning!

Aw, I didn't know that about Eli Manning.

Oh, yeah. I'm a real idiot psychopath.


What was that?

What the...?

Good job, Rupert.

Now let's hope we can find Brian before it's too late.

BRIAN: Hey, don't touch me, I'm rich!

Ugh, he just makes it so difficult to be on his side.

Oh, come on, there's got to be a way we can work this out.

Rupert, music!

♪ ♪

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long... ♪ Oh, no. He knows Gymkata.

There is no defense.

Everyone, run for safety over by those uneven bars.

♪ I want to drive it... ♪ Bad idea, buddy.

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah ♪

♪ If you're going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it... ♪ Stewie! Oh, my God, thank you.

I'm so sorry, Stewie.

I guess I just lost my head.

Well, lesson learned, Brian.

Money doesn't buy happiness.

This does:

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you're going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it all night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah. ♪

Wow, Stewie. I am so sorry I became such a jerk.

But I guess I learned my lesson about the evils of Wall Street.

What are you talking about?

This isn't about Wall Street, this is about you.


I've been investing in the market forever, and doing just fine.

You did it for one week, and were literally eating your own kind.

This isn't about Wall Street.

I cannot stress that enough.

Well, money is the root of all evil.

No, it's not. It's just you.

Hello, others, I am the father.

Where is the mother, and what kind of sex does she like to have?