Family Guy S16E18 Script

HTTPete (2018)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

You guys know what this meeting's about?

No idea. How about you, Morning Breath Mike?

(BREATHILY): I have no idea.

Listen up, everyone.

Sales are down across the board, but mostly we're failing to connect with a group called "millennials."

I saw this guy cry one time.

To learn more about our target demographic, we're all gonna watch this instructional video.

ANNOUNCER: News on the March Millennials. Who are they? What do the want?

A millennial can be defined as anyone born between 1982 and 2000.

Or anyone who thinks loving sriracha or Austin, Texas, counts as a personality.

Millennials crave things like:

Instant gratification, authentic experiences, and, for some reason we haven't figured out yet, improv comedy.

Here's one millennial who has a parakeet with nine million followers on Snapchat.

Here's another who singlehandedly started the hashtags that cancelled 12 network TV shows she found offensive.

And now I'm told she identifies as a man, so I'm being fired.

ANNOUNCER 2 (SIMILAR VOICE): Hello. I'm your new announcer.

And actually, he was just about done.

Thank you and good day.

So please welcome someone who's gonna help us reach millennials, our new head of social media, Hammer.


Oh. He just group-texted us "hello."

(CHIME) And now here comes a text from the guy who doesn't know this is a group text.

"Nice to meet you, Hammer. Let's have lunch later, and I'll tell you who's gay."

Right on. 'Sup? I'm Hammer.

Uh, first I'd like to not thank you for hiring me, because I just expect good things to happen to me without working for them.

Second, I'd like to give you all a list of my trigger warnings.

What's a trigger warning?

Actually, brah, asking me what a trigger warning is is one of my triggers, brah.

I feel traumatized, brah.

And now I'm tweeting about you, brah.

And now you're trending, brah.

And now your life is ruined, brah.

And now you're fired, brah.

What... what happened to Brah?

Also, the lack of diversity here is horrifying, brah.

Uh, Brah is gone.

Now, if we want to get some social media attention, we got to start with a group selfie.

Um, excuse me. Didn't Ellen do this, like, three years ago?

Hey, does Taye Diggs follow you on Twitter?

No, but Kraft Singles does.

That's what I thought.


And... posted.

Do you know what I just did? I just made you all viral.

Also, my band is playing tonight at an inconvenient time.

It's six un-showered guys and a pale woman with a ukulele shouting "Hey!" in unison.

Because that's what music is now.

♪ ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪ What is this? They just keep saying "hey."

I know. It's my favorite song.

Oh, 'cause "hay" is for horses.

Hey, guys. You want to have a smoke break?

What? We can't smoke inside.

It's not smoking, Peter. It's vaping.

Everyone's doing it... Even Darth Vaper.


(LIKE DARTH VADER): I find your lack of vape disturbing.

Come on, Peter, give it a shot.

What happened? All of a sudden I feel like I know better than everyone else!

That's because anytime someone walks through a cloud of vape smoke, a millennial is born.

I think I feel it!

Broad City is so funny.

No, Broad City is genius.

No, no. Broad City is everything!

There it is. Grossly exaggerating the quality of a just-okay TV show.

Peter, you're officially a millennial.

Hey, you want a ride in the Millennial Falcon?

Ah, look at that... We found another one!

Peter, a rite of passage for any millennial is attending Coachella.

It's a great place to see bands that are either really new or really old.

Which one should we see? Well, on the main stage, it's Tame Impala that formed in an UberPOOL on the way here.

And on the side stage, it's "Neil Young asleep" in front of the television."


I always get him confused with Bloom County's Bill the Cat.

Peter, you're doing great as a millennial.

Next thing is you got to learn how to be on Fleek.

"On fleek"? People still say "on fleek"?

No, Peter, that's not what I meant.

I want you on Fleek.

This is Fleek.

Oh, can I ride him?!

Sure, Peter. Get on Fleek.

♪ ♪ Yay!

♪ ♪

Our country's involved in six different wars, but millennials think about this stuff.

Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.

What's that? Sorry, I was taking a selfie while shooting a Snapchat while Periscoping that Snapchat while Instagramming latte art while Shazaming The Weekend while streaming Master of None while retweeting George Takei while saying, "This wins the Internet!" while still being ♪soooo bored.


Hammer? Come on, man, don't make me look up from my phone.

(CHIME) Oh, you're texting me.

Oh, no! Hammer!

You! Call 911!

You! Give me your shirt to make a tourniquet!

You! Snap a pic. Clarendon filter. Clarendon!

Hammer, stay with me, buddy.

Peter, if I die, chop my body up and serve me as street tacos.

So selfless.

No! I won't let you be made into tacos!

(WHEEZING): Peter... it's-it's too late.

Listen, I've got this idea for a business, and...

I want you to have it.

It's artisanal.


Artisanal what? Is it pretzels?

Is it artisanal pretzels?!

Has that been done?

Does anyone know if artisanal pretzels is a thing?

It seems so obvious, yet I don't think I've ever seen them.

I better do millennial CPR.

One... ugh, whatever...

Two... ugh, whatever...

Three... ugh, I'm gonna let my parents take care of this.

I've never been to a millennial funeral.

Yeah, it seems in poor taste that they hired Keyboard Cat.


Assembled congregants, no worries to you.

CONGREGATION: And also to you.

Let us tweet.

Peter, why is he naked in there?

It's an environmental statement.

Lois, please stop looking at my dead friend's dong.

Listen, I made breakfast and drove, so if there's a dead dong, I'm gonna look at it!

We've all lost a great friend-slash-barista- slash-deejay- slash-Genius Bar employee- slash-person with a yellow highlighter at the Best Buy exit.

And now a reading from the book of JustJared.

"Death be the ultimate fail."

Peter, I hate to do this here, but you were good friends with Hammer, and business at the brewery must go on.

That's why, as of today, I'm making you head of social media.

Hey, whatever you want. I'm a team player.

I was even one of the 300.

Hey, does 299 work?

'Cause I got to go diarrhea off the cliff.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Marvel's The Offenders.

BILL COSBY: Good morning, you see.

I gathered you all together... Kevin Spacey, Roman Polanski...

(LIKE FAT ALBERT): Hey, hey, hey...

Woody Allen, Steven Seagal, Matt Lauer with the Pudding Pop, Brett Ratner, and you, lesser-known offender James Toback.

MAN (LIKE INCREDIBLE HULK): Don't forget me!


Harvey shower!

(STAMMERS): I-I... I-Is Matt Damon coming?

No, but he knows about all of us.

He's very aware of what's going on here, you see.

All right, guys, I got to come up with some social media ideas for the brewery. What do ya got?

Oh, you want viral? You asked the right guy.

You remember Leeroy Jenkins?

Yeah. Right.

What do you mean, "right"? You know, Leeroy Jenkins.

What about him? Do that.

Joe, you can't... That already happened.

Do it again. This time with beer.

Hang on a sec.

Thank you. How about some fruit in the beer?

No, guys, we need social media-specific plans to reach a younger audience.

JOE: You remember "Charlie Bit My Finger"?

Do that.

You know what? I give up. We've given this... what, almost a minute?

Peter, that's the problem with kids today...

They have no attention span.

Wait. That's it!

We'll do a show for people with no attention span.

We'll call it The Six Second Talk Show.

Well, I guess that could work. But it's just so sad that young people can't pay attention to something longer than six sec...

(GRUNTS) MAN: Oh, oh, my God.


What the hell, you guys? I was talking.

You know, there's more to life than just what's on your phone.

Wrong, idiot.


Anyone know how to turn these things off?

All right, Six Second Talk Show in three, two...

I'm Peter Griffin, and this is the Six Second Talk Show.

My guest tonight is Joe Biden.

And that's all the time we have. Thanks for watching. Good night.

How was that? Eh, it kind of dragged.

Well, Congress is at it again.

Good night.

CLEVELAND: It's The Six Second Talk Show, and now, your host, here...

Welcome to The Six Second Talk Show.

I'm Peter Griffin, and now our musical guest, Barenaked Ladies.

♪ It's been... ♪ I'd like to thank our musical guest, Barenaked Ladies. Good night.

Peter, I can't believe your talk show is such a huge hit for the brewery.

And thanks to that, I'm now a huge social media star.

Oh, my God, what the hell is that?

Hello, Griffin family.

I'm coming to you live, via living room hologram.

I'm Parker Stanton, CEO of Boop, the most powerful company in Silicon Valley.

Do you know Mr. Skin? Do you know Mr. Skin?

Ah! Ah!

We'll talk later. We'll talk later.

Look, Peter, the reason I'm here is because of your Six Second Talk Show.

Now, I haven't had the time to watch it, but I hear it's the buzz of Silicon Valley.

I want you and your family to visit us here as my guests, so I can find out what the next big thing is.

Oh, I-I got lots of ideas.

I've been working on something called "Look At It, Kick It."


PETER: Look at it...

MAN: Excuse me, can I help you?


Pure genius.

See you in Silicon Valley.

Oh, this is exciting.

A family trip.

Yeah, I love traveling.

Oh, except that trip to Europe where we spent most of our time trying to refold our map.

All right, the museum is that way, so let's fold the map and go.

Okay, couple more folds...

Nope, okay, wrong end.

Now, let's see...

Nope, nope, that's wrong...

Find the corners.

It's not a puzzle, Chris.

Y-You got to fold on the creases.

I'd be able to find the creases if somebody had folded it correctly last time.

I did fold it correctly.

Nope, you didn't, and then, you jammed it into a backpack and now I'm in this mess.

Don't blame me, you ripped it up when you were tearing through the backpack for your snacks.

Okay, this is why I wanted to bring a globe, all right?

You don't have to fold a globe.

Who the hell would bring a globe on vacation?

See, Bon? We're eating food, and they're tearing each other apart.

(FRENCH ACCENT): Where to next, mon chéri?

Welcome to Boop.

As our name suggests, our mainframe connects to and powers virtually every server on the globe.

Without Boop, there is no Internet.

Hey, Parker. Are we still on for the Samsung Galaxy Note meeting after lunch?

Yep. Are-are the test results in?

Yeah, but...

(CHUCKLING): Let's save it for the meeting.

Where's your nearest bathroom?


Yes, there will be a lot of that.

Hmm, must be one of them high-tech Japanese toilets.


♪ I'm gonna pee into electrical urinal ♪

♪ And make the sparks go higher. ♪ I'm having so much fun.


What the hell is going on?

Our mainframe is having a meltdown!

Hang on, let me flush.


You idiot.

You shut down the entire Internet.

How could you do that?

This is the most irresponsible thing that I've ever...

PARKER: Although I was incensed by this man, I had to admire his courage for leaving his penis out the entire time I was yelling at him.

As a man who struggles with body dysmorphia, I couldn't help but be impressed by that kind of self-confidence.

PETER: As I stood there, being berated by this man, I couldn't help but notice his searching gaze.

Years later, we would bump into each other at a small cafe in Rome and reminisce about this moment.

And later still, recreate it in a small bed and breakfast at the bottom of the Spanish Steps.

But that's a story for another time.

Or, as they say in Italian, molto homo.


Peter, you've done some stupid things, but crashing the Internet has to be the dumbest yet.

Look at the chaos you've caused.


I have no idea how to drive without texting.

Why can't I post this video?

Hello. What did you say?

Why aren't you looking at your phone, you psycho?

Why is no one liking my posts?

Well, I hate all your posts!




Peter, Lois is right.

This mess is all your fault.

Settle down, Brian.

I'm sure life will be just fine without the Internet.

Maybe we can even go see that Amish comedian.

Sir, where are you from?

MAN: Chicago.

I have never been to Chicago.

How about you, sir?

MAN 2: Boston!

I have never been to Boston.

Anyone here from the back fields of Pennsylvania, Ohio or upstate New York?

MAN 3: No!

Then I have been Jebediah, son of Abner.


How are we gonna get back to the airport?

There's no Internet, which means there's no GPS, which means we can't use Uber.

Okay, I have a crazy idea.

Let's get a cab.

There's a taxi stand.




Barely alive.

To the airport.

Now, because you can't stare at your phone anymore, enjoy a disturbingly loud clip of Jimmy Fallon on cab TV.

Tonight, get ready to lose all respect for Al Pacino when I force him to play a game meant for children!


This is why Uber.

No Netflix, no Hulu, no Amazon...

I'm so bored.

Come on, Meg, you're overreacting.

We still got network TV.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Kevin Can Wait on CBS.

Well, that's not gonna work.

Okay, everybody, don't panic.

We'll just do what people did before the Internet.

We can play charades.

Oh, you mean like your marriage?

Chris, I told you that in confidence.

Dad, you got to do something.

Nobody can live without the Internet.

Ah, you're right. This sucks.

It's even worse than when I was roommates with Oscar Pistorius.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Somebody's in here.

(GUNSHOTS) Somebody's in here!

I'm the one who screwed this up.

I'll be the one to fix it.

I'll be the Internet.

What are you talking about?

We can do all the things we loved about the Internet.

We just got to do it without technology.

From now on, if you want to tweet something, you do it the old-fashioned way:

Write it on a piece of paper, staple it to a bird, and throw it out the door.


Hey, do you follow Peter Griffin on Twitter?

No. Why? Is he funny?

No, he just throws dead birds on his lawn.

It's awesome.

Great news, Chris. I figured out how to recreate the best part of the Internet.

I've got pictures of five celebrities who you'd never believe used to be fat.

Great, let's see 'em. Sure, buddy.

But first you have to watch this unwelcome pop-up ad.

I don't want probiotics.

Then press the "skip ad" button.

Why should I do all this work?

They're really good pictures, Chris.

Number three will shock you.

Okay, I'll press it.

Oh, no! You pressed in the wrong place, and now you're being sent to the ad's website, which also has additional pop-ups.

This is a nightmare!

Just tell me one of 'em.

Kenan Thompson.

That's not a surprise!

Peter? What are you doing?

Oh, I'm your Waze app today.

You on your way to work? Yeah, I am.

All right, you will be there in six minutes.

Just start heading straight.

Okay, sounds good.

So, how's everything at... Take a right! Right now!


Geez, okay, calm down.

Left! Take a left immediately!


PETER: Would you like to upgrade to an ad-free experience for $4.99?

QUAGMIRE: No. Try new Domino's Pizza.

Hey, Peter, who are these guys?

Oh, this is just my looping GIF of black teens reacting to a very mild burn.

Huh. Sounds kind of pointless.

Oh, you mean like your feet?


All right, trying to be the Internet is impossible.

I wish I never peed on that server.

You know, when my phone gets wet, I just put it in a bag of rice.

Shut up, Meg. That's dumb.

I've done that before. It works.

(GASP) Chris, that's brilliant.

We just need a big bag and a lot of rice.

You sure that's gonna work?

Eh, worth a shot.

We'll just have to roll up our sleeves and do the best we can, like the men who built New York City.

Men, creating an entire subway system out of nothing is grueling, thankless, life-threatening work.

But just remember: We're doing this so that one day, future commuters can be hassled by panhandlers and amateur break-dancers.

What about public masturbators?

Especially public masturbators.

Now, let's go die underground!


Look, we're getting a signal.

I think we fixed the Internet.

Something's coming through.

It looks like an ad.

"Smithwick's Artisinal Pretzels."

Son of a bitch!

Well, I'm glad you got the Internet...

H-Hold on.

I'm sorry, what-what were you saying?

Yeah, sounds good.

And send.

Take that, Delta Air Lines.

Submitted for your approval:

A restaurant full of people so distracted by their phones, they're unaware that they're all about to go up in smoke, just like the Fox Tuesday night lineup.