Family Guy S16E19 Script

The Unkindest Cut (2018)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Is it me, or does David Ortiz look just like the mom on Good Times?

Oh, Peter, that's racist. Well, no. Look.

I take it back.

That's not racist. That's just accurate.

Hey, guys, guess who's got the keys to a speedboat just sitting down at the station?

How'd you get a speedboat?

Well, it's a funny story.


That was a funny story.

Especially the funny part.

You really delivered on your promise.

All right, who's up for waterskiing?!

Hell yeah! All right!

Yeah, let's do it!

Oh, that sounds amazing! I love boats.

Boats are my thing.

Anything to get out on the open water, enjoy the salt air.

Oh, they're already gone.

PETER: No, you didn't widen enough.

But you still can't come.

Good evening, Quahog. Just parking. Be there in a sec.


Our top story:

Authorities have uncovered a mob-run prescription drug ring targeting Goldman's Pharmacy.

The scam involved fraudulent prescriptions submitted for dead people.

Pharmacist Mort Goldman failed to report to authorities for questioning.

A $10,000 bounty has been offered for his return.

$10,000? That's a lot of money.

Could be our money, Brian.

We could find Mort. Easily.

Besides, we haven't done anything together since our confusing two-host talk show.

So, Chris Pratt, I hear you have a new movie out.

So, Chris, you're from Seattle?

Chris, what was it like working with Amy Poehler?

Hey, Chris, anything you can tell us about Guardians 3?

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris Pratt, always a pleasure. Well, that's all the time we have with Chris Pratt. BOTH: Take it away, multiracial modern band! Retro swing guys!

[both bands playing] MALE ANNOUNCERS: Guests of

- The Stewie Griffin Show stay - The Brian Griffin Show stay at the Essex House. At the W Times Square.



All right! Water-sitting!

You got to cut to the right.

No, no, it's counterintuitive. You got to cut left.

I know how to drive.

[HORNS HONKING] Stop looking at us!

Ugh! Maybe we won't be going waterskiing today.

Shut up, Joe.

Hey, you want some help? I do this all the time.

[BLEEP] Get back in your car with your wife!

When you're going backwards, everything's the opposite.

Oh, really? Thanks, driving instructor.

I feel like everyone watching knows I'm incapable of pleasing my wife sexually.

Now cut the wheel. Cut the wheel!

No, the other way!



Ah, hell, we're gonna be on the Internet.


You know what? Screw it.

Let's boat!

Cleveland, aren't you waterskiing?

I don't like getting wet. Oh, come on.

What's the worst that could happen? [LAUGHS]




Mort must have panicked after the pharmacy bust and fled town.

If we're gonna collect our ten grand, we need to figure out where he went.

Crap. His computer is password-protected.

Um, try "Such heat this day."

[BEEP] Nope.

How about "This fish is cold, I want a refund"?

[BEEP] No.

"But I lost the receipt."

[BEEP] Bingo.


A confirmed plane ticket to Boca Raton.

Looks like we're going to Florida.

They must have figured out where the pharmacist is.

We got to get to him first.

We're going to Florida, too.

I know the answer is no, but is there any chance there's time for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter?

Tony, what if the answer is a resounding yes?


♪ ♪

What the hell?

[PANTING] Oh. Oh, God!


Oh, my God! That shark's attacking Quagmire!

I think it's got him by the wiener!

Man, that guy can get anyone to do that to him.



Quagmire, are you okay? Do I look okay?!

I think you'll be fine.

You just got to wipe that squashed tomato off your crotch.


Oh, my God! Quagmire lost his penis!

All right, we got to let all the other boats know.

What is it again?

White flag for "friendly," black for "not friendly," blue flag for "penis loss"?

Oh, man, that sucks.

Doc, give it to us straight. What's going on with our friend?

Well, Mr. Griffin, there's no easy way to put this, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

He's black. Not that friend. Quagmire.

Oh, him. Well, Mr. Quagmire, you've had quite the nasty shark attack.

Luckily, you'll be okay.

But you're going to have to learn to live without a penis.

Or will you?

Oh, what's this?

Is it... your penis?

Nah, I'm just foolin'.

I play that with my penis-less patients to lighten the mood.

Liev Schreiber gets a big kick out of it.

Doc, do you know who you're talking to?

That penis was my whole life! It's not so bad.

At least you're not this pathetic guy who couldn't get his boat in the water.

[LAUGHS] Have you seen this?

You should take his wiener. He's clearly not using it.

[ENGINE REVVING] PETER: Stop looking at us!


Ah, that... that does... that does make me feel better.

What are we doing here? This is Pitbull's house.

He knows everything about South Florida.

He can help us find Mort.

DOORBELL [PITBULL'S VOICE]: Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell, ring.

[LAUGHS] It's my house.

Esta mi casa.

Wow. Imagine kind of knowing two languages.

Hang on. I'm in the middle of writing a song.

♪ Tingta tongka te tong tong tink. ♪

[LAUGHS] That's a hit.

What can I do for you, my friends amigos?

I told you. This guy's the real deal.

We're looking for a friend who's hiding out down here.

He's a Jewish pharmacist from Rhode Island.

Coral Palm Motel. Told you.

RADIO DJ: And here's Pitbull with his newest hit, "Tingta Tongka Te Tong Tong Tink."


Adios good-bye, amigo friends.

I got to go get paid to scream "Make some noise!" in Vegas.


I think I hear Mort in the bathroom.

MORT: Come on, urine, you can do this!

It's just like your toilet at home. Please!

It's been five days now. Why won't you just cooperate?!

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS] Is someone out there?

[HIGH-PITCHED]: Housekeeping!

Oh, come on in. I'm just urinating.

Tinkle, tinkle, splash, splash, swoosh. Yeah, look at...

Oh, boy, what a healthy stream!

Will it ever end? [ZIPS PANTS]

What are you guys doing here?

We're taking you back to Quahog to collect our reward.

Oh, no, I can't go back there!

The mob will kill me! [PHONE CHIMES]

Ha! What?

A shark bit Quagmire's penis off.


I can't believe it. This is horrible.

What am I gonna do? Come on, now.

Keep that enormous chin up, Glenn.

There's lots you can do.

You could devote your life to Christ, or become a eunuch.

Cleveland, why don't you sit this one out?

Listen, Quagmire, I got just the way for you to embrace your new life without a penis.

I've had this computer blocked so you can discover all the other exciting things on the Internet besides porn. Like what?

Well, uh, there's, uh...

I like to research birds. Try to learn a bird a day.

Well, not that necessarily, but, uh...

You got your robin.

Wow, you really know your stuff, Joe.

Your swallow. Swallow?

Uh, actually this is what we're trying to avoid.

You got your titmouse.

Damn it, Joe, stop with the sex birds!

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, guys, but this is a disaster.

You don't understand what that penis meant to me.

We did everything together.

Absolutely everything.

"As she tenderly unlaced her silken corset, Jennifer shuddered in anticipation of... the sensual night ahead."

This is not good.

As soon as I'm back in Quahog, the mob is gonna kill me! I don't care.

We're getting the hell out of Florida.

Florida. Which, interesting trivia, was the name of the mom in Good Times played by David Ortiz.

Uh-oh, looks like the mob knew we were coming.

It's him! Get him!

Oh, no! We're done for!

No, we're not. I'm the fastest Jew in the world.

Crap. They got Mort. There goes our reward.

Well, maybe we were in over our heads.

Like an announcer who knows nothing about his sport.

ANNOUNCER 1: He's got about 190 yards to the hole.

Looks like he's going for his 5-iron.

And those greens are playing very fast, so he's gonna have to use caution on his approach.

ANNOUNCER 2: Yeah, yeah.

ANNOUNCER 1: Jordan Spieth, of course, having a great tournament.

He birdied this hole yesterday.

ANNOUNCER 2: Is that right? Wow.

ANNOUNCER 1: And he hits a great shot, right on the green.

ANNOUNCER 2: Yeah, yeah.

How, uh... how do you win golf?

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to HGTV's Couples Looking for a House Where the Woman Doesn't Know the Guy's Gay.

Well, I'm looking for a place with good schools, and, because he works in the city, he's looking for an easy commute.

Yeah, she teaches here at the high school and I work in town as a choreographer and florist.

And we'll probably need a nursery.

Well, that's a discussion.


Oh, hey, Quagmire. Hey, Peter.

I just came by to thank you for giving me the kick in the pants I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and embrace my new life. I farted.

As a result, I've rediscovered an old hobby I used to love as a kid: Ventriloquism.

And I wanted to invite you guys to the opening of my new show at the Quahog Playhouse.

Quagmire, we'd be delighted to attend. Wouldn't miss it.

Gosh, thanks, Peter. That means a lot.

Okay, see you there.

Damn it! Why did I even open the door?!


Getting excited.

Now I got to go to this thing! Ugh! Bite me!

Laughing already just thinking about it.

Only one way to get out of this!


Oh, I'm so glad Quagmire's back on his feet again.

PETER: God, this is gonna be torture.

Break a leg.

Oh, hello.

I didn't realize the curtain was up.

And people think I'm the dummy. [PETER LAUGHS]

CHRIS: How is that doll talking?!

I'm Glenn, and this is Edgar.

What a great crowd, huh, Edgar? This is gonna be a fun night.

You call this fun?

You're talking to a wooden doll to make up for the fact that you can't have sex anymore.

[CHUCKLES] Come on, come on, Edgar.

That's-that's not true.

Besides, if you've got all the answers, what do you suggest?

Here's a suggestion.

Blow your [BLEEP] brains out in front of all these people.

Is this, is this real?

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, c-come on, Edgar.

I-I got a lot to live for according to everybody.

I'm not gonna kill myself.

Well, then, maybe I can help. [GUN COCKS]

[CROWD GASPS] Quagmire, no!

JOE: Oh, God, Peter's here. I so don't want to talk to him.

Hey, buddy. We got to catch up.

Well, Edgar, if you think that would be best.

Yes, you'll be out of your misery.

CHRIS: I think it's the guy talking!

Quagmire, have you lost your mind?!

I'm holding this gun until you start thinking straight.

GUN: Use it on yourself, Joe.

There's more than one bullet in here, Joe.

Yeah, on second thought, maybe you should hold this, Cleveland.

GUN: Are you really gonna just sit there after all the crap white people have given you your whole life?

You know, maybe you should hold this, Peter.

GUN: Peter, you could get free tacos with me.

It worked!

Quagmire, why the hell would you want to kill yourself?

Yeah, who ever heard of a depressed ventriloquist?

You want to know why? Because I can't do this anymore.

My life is over.

I tried to adjust, but it's impossible.

Come on, Quagmire, it's not impossible.

You want impossible, try eating local pizza with a guy from New York.

You call this pizza?

We do here, yes.

All right, Brian, I negotiated to get Mort back from the mob. How?

I told them Mort gave us his flash drive with enough evidence to put them all in jail.

We're going to trade it for Mort and collect our money.

And I also ordered an extra slice of pie.

Because you know how many times we live, Brian?





Hey, Dad. I'm so sorry, Glenn.

Stop staring, Cleveland!

CLEVELAND: I can support his lifestyle and still think it's weird!

Thank you, Cleveland. Have a blessed day!

Believe me, Glenn, I know what you're going through.

No, you don't.

You had yours surgically removed in a hospital.

I had mine bitten off by a shark!

I'm not allowed to go into the ocean anymore.

The doctor says I can't get seawater in it.

I also have Crohn's disease.

They're unrelated.

Why are you here, Dad?

I knew you were down in the dumps, so I brought you something to cheer you up.

A Yeti cooler?

That is kind of rad. No, that's mine.

Your gift is inside.

♪ ♪ Is that your...?

Yes, Glenn. It's my penis.

After my surgery, I kept it in my freezer.

Next to a snowball from the winter, if you can believe that.

I want you to have it.

I... I can't take your penis, Dad.

Please, take it.

If you don't, I'm just gonna give it to Paul Ryan.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you.


Proud of you guys, but weird.


Okay, has everyone washed their hands?

Me neither, but going forward, let's try.

I'm so nervous for Quagmire.

I know, but it's nice that they served hot dogs for the surgery.

There it is! Give me that!


Nurse, you put it on there. I'm not gay.

The operation was a success.

Congratulations, Quagmire! Thanks, guys.

And, Dad, I don't know how to thank you.

You've given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for.

I love you, son. I love you, too.

So, will it work, Dr. Hartman? Oh, yes.

I'm not sure about urination or sex, but otherwise, yes.

So, how you feeling?

I'm actually in extreme pain, Doc.

It's like knives are stabbing into my crotch.

Don't worry, that'll go away once you fill your prescription at Goldman's Pharmacy.

Mort's is closed. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Cool tie-in with the other story, though.

I'm trying to get more involved in the writing this season.

In fact, I think Family Guy should be more of a dramedy.

What's a dramedy? Well, for one thing, the scenes don't have to end with jokes.


You got the flash drive? Yep.

All the information that could put you away forever.

Now, again, I don't know why we couldn't have done this by Dropbox.

I mean, I don't mind coming here to a parking lot...

I had to get Mort anyway... but Dropbox would've saved you time.

And you wouldn't have to mail me back my flash drive.

What do you mean, mail it back?

You were planning to keep it? It's 64 gigs!

I bought the coverage. You're not getting the coverage.

Hi, guys. I'm a pharmacist.

Ugh, Mort is so hard to write for.

Okay, give us Mort.

My mailing address is in the flash drive.



What the hell is this?

Thanks for your cooperation, Mr. Goldman.

Wait a minute. You were working with the Feds?


When I heard there was a reward, I immediately turned myself in.

So you guys get bupkis.

I'm a pharmacist.

Well, Brian, we may not have gotten the $10,000, but it'll be a joy

[DR. HARTMAN'S VOICE]: To hear no more Jewish talk for a long while.

"Brian and Stewie laugh. The image freezes.

The end."

Ah, that was a good day's work.

I've earned this.

Little shot of the ol' Sorkin genius juice.

So, Quagmire, how's the new rod holding up?

Yeah, you know. Good, pretty good.

I've been having a lot of sex. Um...

My dad didn't mention there's a four-inch mole on the left side.

What? Uh-huh.

It's, like, the size of a 50-cent piece and a dime kissing each other. Yikes. Frightening.

Yeah, some gals find it off-putting.

I try to tell them it's my dad's old penis, but that, um... that just tends to make it worse.

But the girls that stay are just great.

Well, I'm happy for you, Quagmire.

Don't be. Anyway, I got to take a leak.

Well, I'm just glad our friend's back to his old self. [QUAGMIRE SCREAMING]

Yeah, seems he hasn't missed a beat.

It's great that we can be there for each other in trying times.


That's the sound of peeing out your daddy's wiener.