Family Guy S16E3 Script

Nanny Goats (2017)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Last Man on Earth Plus These Other 16 People with More Showing Up Every Day.

No way they'll pull this off.

A show with just one character and an unlimited number of other characters?

Peter, you can't just sit there and watch TV all day.

You have to mow the lawn. Aw, this sucks.

I was gonna go down to the Guitar Center and annoy people.

FYI: My mom's not picking me up for a long time, because...

she's dead!

Hey, Brian, you want a beer?

Peter, Lois is gonna be home soon.

Shouldn't you be mowing the lawn?

I am mowing the lawn.


Where'd you get these? Craigslist.

Boy, that's got to be some long list.

WOMAN: and pool tables and jukeboxes...

Craig, are you getting all this down?

Yes. Is that it?

No! Futons, everyone's grandfather's golf clubs...

I-Is that it?

No! Gay sex...

What kind? All of it!

I have milked all the goats.

Peter, all those goats are males.

Well, the buckets are full and the goats are happy.

I just hope word doesn't get around.

I like good times.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Top Gun with only public domain music.


♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain... ♪ Oh, my God, what the hell did the goats do in here?

This place is disgusting!

Where's your father?


PETER (BLEATS): Lois is maaaad.

Go to the Claaaam.

Peter, I both saw you and recognized my husband's voice.

Go baaaack.

Lois! I-I didn't know you were home.

Well, I guess we can all agree this was a great idea. The end.

♪ Ba-na-na-na Family Guy... ♪ Enough! My parents will be here any minute.

You better get this house cleaned up.

Don't worry, Lois. I have a Roomba.


Okay, wait, wait, wait a minute.

It'll... it'll figure it out.

It's learning. That's-that's part of what it does.

I think it's getting it.

Now she's cookin'.

Hang on to your hat.

Clean floor dead ahead.

Good purchase.

Behold the future.

All right, here it goes.


And the battery's dead.


Darling, so wonderful to be here.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah, right. The drive here is like a counterclockwise trip around the Monopoly board.

PETER (CHUCKLES): He has no paaaants.

Peter, get out of there.

Lois, what's going on here?

Well, I asked Peter to mow the lawn.

Will somebody turn off Top Gun?!


So obviously he bought a herd of goats, and now they've taken over the house.

Lois, I worry this is not a healthy environment for the children. Mom, please.

You know I would never put my children in harm's way.

Oh, boy. AMBER Alert.

Stewie was last seen with a goat in a '98 Toyota Tercel heading north on I-95.

How do you turn those off, by the way?

Lois, I've seen enough.

You're completely overwhelmed, and you have four children.

(CHUCKLES) Four children.

(CHUCKLES) Four children.

(CHUCKLES) Four children.

(CHUCKLES) Four children.

(CHUCKLES) Four children.


You need help, Lois.

And since I don't believe in psychiatry, I'm getting you a nanny.

Well, I guess it would be good to have some help with Meg and Chris.

And Stewie, if he's ever found.

Honey, do you think that's the goat and baby from the AMBER alert? Uh, it's a Tercel, but I don't think it's the right year.


That must be the new nanny.

Is this the Griffin house?

Welcome to this work environment.

Oh. I'm not the nanny. I'm her Uber driver.

Your nanny's still in the car.

She dozed off on the way here.

I not doze off, Yoober.

Was looking at crinkled photos of dead relatives.

Hello. I am Natalia.

What is favorite breakfast fish?

Well, if you must know...

Welcome to this work environment.

Okay, Natalia, level with me.

Why are you really here?

I have been sent to neutralize liberal Jewish dissident, Fievel Mousekewitz.

Oh. Well, the only mouse in this neighborhood is our innocent neighbor, Frank Maxwell.

Comrade Mousekewitz!

Did you think you could run forever?

I, uh, I think you've got the wrong mouse.

I'm just regular old Frank Maxwell, and I'm very late for work.

Good day, ma'am.


Whoa! You killed him?

That was not me.

Someone else got to him first.

Tough break, Jew mouse. Ha-ha!

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.

Under parody law, in order to use someone else's character in an unlicensed fashion, we have to provide something called "commentary."

The commentary here is that Mickey Mouse hates Jews.

Now, let's see what else this new nanny has up her sleeve.

Okay, Stewie, this is favorite Belarusian children book called Goodnight Moon of Chernobyl.

"Goodnight Chernobyl moon.

Goodnight radiation house.

Goodnight melted phone.

Goodnight glowing milk.

Goodnight bleeding grandpa's eyes.

Goodnight two-headed cat.

Goodnight nobody.

Goodnight blocks and blocks and blocks of nobody.

The end."

Next book.

Everybody Poops...


I'll get started on dinner.

No need to start dinner.

Homework is done. Kids are fed.

You two should go out and have lovely evening.

Together? Yes. Everything taken care of.

Go out. Enjoy American freedom.

What do you say, Peter?

Eh, it could be fun. And we haven't been on a date since I broke the Guinness record for longest nasal exhale at that Tina Fey movie.

FEY: You're the baby mama? Well, that's no bueno.




Hello. I'm Steve.

I'll be your server this evening.

May I start you off with a cocktail?


You don't work here, do you?

I do not.

Oh, this is nice.

So, how's work?


How, uh... how's the stuff you do during your day?

Good. Good.

So... is that it?

Did we do a date? Phones back on?

Peter, we finally have a chance to reconnect.

We've been given this opportunity.

It's like before we had kids.

We got to make the most of it.

H-Hang on, hang on, Lois.

Give me two of those round balls of butter and a breadstick.

You'll see where I'm heading with this.

Okay, look, look, look. Here's what you want.

Here's what you got. (CHUCKLES)

I'm very happy with what I got.

Hmm. Well, maybe I can give you half a breadstick later.

As long as you don't mind a little marinara dipping sauce.

That's absolutely disgusting.

And I love it.

You know what? I like date night.

To Natalia, for making it possible.

Pretty sure that's Steve's pee.

Enjoying your wine?

Oh, what an amazing night.

I told you we could have a fun time, just the two of us.

Fun's not over yet.


PETER: Come on, let's get in the trunk.

I filled it with water so we can do it hippo-style.

Weightlessly, with my feet lightly scraping the bottom as we do it.

LOIS: Okay. It's kind of sexy, I guess.

PETER: And in the hippo tradition, first we must eat a whole head of lettuce.

Now, do you have the lettuce? I-I didn't know we were doing this.

Did you bring the lettuce?

Oh, no, I forgot.

Ronald, I asked you to do one thing.

Honey, honey... I brought the lettuce.

So thanks to Natalia, we've been spending so much more time together.

Let me tell you, Joe, it's really been a rediscovery.

Hmm. Joe, "we time" is just as important as "me time." Okay.

We've actually been watching The Middle together.

It's so funny! Isn't it funny, Peter?

It is actually funny. At least three times an episode we turn to each other and we say, BOTH: "That's just like us!"


Why are you laughing?

It sounded funny. But you had to be there.

Well, I was able to imagine myself there, which is why I chuckled.

Oh, and, Donna, have you seen this Black-ish?

Why are you asking me that? I don't know.

It seems like you might like it.

Oh, and, waiter, have you seen this Fresh Off the Boat?

Why are you asking me that? I don't know.

It seems like you might like it.

Oh, there's Mort. Mort!

Have you seen this The Goldbergs?

MORT: Yes! I like it 'cause I'm Jewish.

Boy, our friends all seem to be happily married.

(BOTH LAUGH) Yeah, right.

You know, Donna told me in the bathroom she and Cleveland haven't had sex in over three months.

I love that you share things that were told to you in confidence.

Oh, and the poor Swansons. I know.

Joe's dead from the waist down, and Bonnie's dead from the waist up.

They're perfect for each other.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I know, I know.

I got to say, Peter, I really feel like Natalia has helped put the spark back in our relationship.

Yeah, we even had independent movie sex.

I want to lean over this half-eaten blueberry pie and kiss you with black coffee breath.

Is that okay? Yes.

Now, can I do you to a song you know, but sung in German?

♪ Icht valking un sonshine ♪

♪ Haaa-aah ♪

♪ Icht valking un sonshine ♪

♪ Haaa-aah ♪

♪ Unt it feelin das good. ♪


Hello? I see.

What is it?

I've been assassinated.

Wow, what a night.

I guess someone's sleep number is 69.

Uh, yes. It was, apparently, also number two.

Would you maybe make some coffee and give me a moment?

Car is packed for weekend.

Weekend? Yes.

You come in late last night drunk and tell me to pack car for weekend getaway you book online.

Then you make me watch Diff'rent Strokes episode with substitute teacher played by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

You know, I forgot about this weekend trip.

I-Is that something we still want to do?

Well, I do if you do.

Absolutely I do... I-I was just seeing if you do.

Of course I do.

I mean, we've already had six nights out together.

It'd be great to have three more.

That's what I'm saying.

That-That's what any guy wants, the same gal again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again, and again.

And every gal wants the same guy who keeps getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter...

Stop it right there, Lois. This is Family Guy.

We only do the male side of the joke.

You know what? I think this weekend will be fun.

Yeah. I mean, it's not like we're gonna miss anything around here.

Hey, Joe, what the hell's going on here?

Oh, you didn't hear? Today is the opening of the first-ever Spooner Street Farmers Market.

(IN SLOW MOTION): Farmers... market?

Yeah, it's really exciting.

For 50 cents, you can get your picture taken wearing a farmer's hat.

(IN SLOW MOTION): Farmer's... hat?

Hey, have a great weekend, you two.

So glad you're finding time for each other.

Goat meat.

Get your goat meat here.

Cleveland, are those... Yep.

I have dibs on whatever silliness Peter loses interest in.

Remember this?

To the Cleveland copter!

The moustache obscures my view!


LOIS: Oh, another hawk.

Or maybe it's the same one.

You think it could be the same one?

Doubt it.

Hey, do you have the address?

I think it's in my pocketbook somewhere.

'Cause I got to know if we should take 24 or 495.

Hang on.

Anything? Hang on.

Exit's coming up.

Half a mile.

Quarter mile. (LAUGHS)

You'd think I could find it.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah, yeah, I would.

I would. Okay, I'm taking 495.

Okay, uh, here, let me see if it's...

Oh, this is why I don't like big purses.

Here it is. It says take 24 to 128.





Hey, look, cookies.

Chocolate chip? Oatmeal raisin.


Ah, I guess they stopped serving dinner at 9:30.

Looks like that missed exit had the last laugh.

Oh, look at this cute note.

"In lieu of television, please tune in to each other."

Ha-ha. Ha-ha, indeed. And get this.

"Sorry no Wi-Fi, but the good news is your marriage has four bars."

Terrific. Oh, here's another note.

"How adorable were those first two notes?

I hope you read this one third."

There's a used condom in the fireplace.

And the fireplace is decorative, so that's here to stay.

So, do you think word just got out in the daddy longlegs community, like, "Hey, come to this hotel"?

Peter, it's a little warm in here.

Do you want to turn on that overhead ceiling fan?

Sure. Looks stable.

Can you notice that? Yeah.

Can you notice anything in the world other than that?

Only that fist-sized moth in the lampshade by the bed.

I'm going to bed so that "go home time" comes faster.

I'll just sleep with the light on.

Natalia, will you be our nanny forever?

Dah, unless Belarus security force track me down. I'm sorry, what?

Natalia make a few enemies before she leave Belarus.


Natalia save baby.

Brian? Lock door.

Why would I... (CRIES OUT)


No kissing. Under bed.



♪ ♪ Out.

Boy, that was a close one.

Ah, my son was in the backseat.







Where are we going?

You're going home.

Count to three and pull cord.


I don't know my numbers!

Again! Again!


Oh. This. What?

That mealy-mouth thing you do.

Take a sip of water.

I don't like water. I like pop.

Hey, will you let me know when you're done using the phone charger that I brought?

Oh, you mean the only thing that you packed?

Yeah, I just assumed if you pay, you don't have to pack. Here we go.

My husband, the Rockefeller, letting my parents pay for the nanny.

Kids still lining up around the block for those piano lessons?

I wonder which has more clutter on it, the piano or your treadmill.

You know what? I'm gonna go with the treadmill.

Really? Let's go knock on the door of the next room and ask them which one of us is fat.

Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not Bradley Hooper.

It's Cooper, not Hooper.

You're thinking of Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street, and I'd sooner bang him.

He was a business owner. He was a successful man.

You think you're the only one in this relationship who wants to be with a successful man?

Get over yourself.

Oh, hey, do you want these spit droplets back, Or are they for my arm to keep?

Sorry, I was trying to scare that fly on your hand.

Oh, it's a liver spot. Never mind.

I'm hoping it's cancer. I want the ticket out.

Oh, if you die, can I have all of your nothing?

What do you mean if I die?

I've been dead since the minute I said "I do"!

Well, the minute you say "I don't,"

I am out that door.

Oh, is that right? Yep.

Well, what if I just said, "The hell with it, go"?

What if you did?




♪ ♪

♪ So far away ♪

♪ Doesn't anybody stay ♪

♪ In one place anymore? ♪

♪ It would be so fine ♪

♪ To see your face at my door ♪

♪ It doesn't help to know ♪

♪ You're just time away ♪

♪ Long ago I reached for you ♪

♪ And there you stood ♪

♪ Holding you again could only ♪

♪ Do me good ♪

♪ How I wish I could ♪

♪ But you're so ♪

♪ Far ♪

♪ Away. ♪ So, how was the trip?


PETER: Just terrible.