Family Guy S16E5 Script

Three Directors (2017)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ Hi there. It's me, Peter.

You know, when it comes to making dreams come alive, there used to be nothing like the movies.

So we thought it would be fun to ask a few visionary Hollywood directors to create his... let's be honest, his... own unique version of the same Family Guy story:

"Peter Gets Fired."

Of the countless directors we contacted, three did not say no immediately, and I got a weird message from Paul Verhoeven that I could not understand. (phone beeps)

VERHOEVEN: Ah, Pieoter, habinsky Vermhoeven.

Kibbensme comfurdle. Stupf.

I've listened to that over a hundred times now.

I-I got nothin'.

Anyway, here's our first director, Quentin Tarantino.

("Vehicle" by The Ides of March playing)

♪ Hey, well, I'm the friendly stranger ♪

♪ In the black sedan, won't you hop inside my car? ♪

♪ I got pictures, got candy, I'm a lovable man ♪

♪ And I can take you to the nearest star ♪

♪ I'm your vehicle, baby ♪

♪ I'll take you anywhere you wanna go ♪

♪ I'm your vehicle, woman ♪

♪ By now I'm sure you know ♪

♪ That I love ya ♪ ♪ Love ya ♪

♪ I need ya ♪ ♪ Need ya ♪

♪ I want you, got to have you, child ♪

♪ Great God in heaven, you know I love you... ♪ What's in your lunch? Pizza.

From home or from a place?

A place.

♪ Well, if you wants to be a movie star ♪

♪ I'll get a ticket to Hollywood. ♪

Griffin, you're three hours late.

Stop trying to be a clock, you ain't got the face for it.

I've had enough of your nonsense.

Here's Christoph Waltz to fire you in a weird accent.

Yer fi-YERD!

(door creaks, Peter gasps)

It's a cliché.

You think you can fire me?

I'm taking this keg as payback.

(surf rock playing)

Cinema is an event.

(knock at door)

(breathing unsteadily)

Where's my family? ANGELA: Dead. All of them.

(gunshot audio slowed)


(monitor beeping)


Oh, my God, where am I?

What happened? Ugh! Coma breath.

Coma?! How long was I out?

What year is this? It's whatever year Quentin Tarantino used to watch television.

Well, can I go home?

Well, you're not really ready, but if it's for revenge, you can stab me with this scalpel and then run out. Thanks.

Oh, that was unnecessary but cool.

So awesome!

Ah, so close.

No, this is better.

("Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection playing)

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪ Somebody order a wet-haired black guy to help with your revenge and sometimes

(loudly): speak louder than necessary?

♪ ♪

PETER: Angela?

We got business.

(Ironside theme playing)

Sorry, that's my car alarm. Cleveland, turn that off!

CLEVELAND: I'm pressing the button.

Y-You got to put the keys in the ignition.

I've been doing that, but...

(alarm chirps) Oh, there we go.

Tricia Takanawa 88s!

♪ ♪

Peter, I'm standing here because I am the only Asian recurring character on the series.

(pained grunting)

(blades clanking)

(pained grunts)

(slowed whooshing)

(James Brown's "Sex Machine" playing)

♪ Get on up ♪ ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Get up ♪ ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Get up ♪ ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Get on up ♪ ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Stay on the scene ♪ ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Like a lovin' machine ♪

♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Get up ♪ ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Taste ♪ ♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Of piano ♪ ♪ Get on up. ♪

Peter, you can tell I'm different because my weapon is different.

Oh, well, then, maybe I won't be able to chop your head off.

Oh, yep.

(blades ring)

(man singing opera in Italian)

♪ ♪

Opera music makes violence classy.

(gasps) Of course.


♪ What's new, pussycat? ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ What's new, pussycat? Whoa. ♪

Welcome back to our special episode, featuring famous directors' versions of the same Family Guy story, "Peter Gets Fired."

I'm still here in front of the Hollywood Sign, but I've asked the cameraman to adjust the shot so that you can only see "wood."

I thought that would be hilarious.

You know why? 'Cause of boners.

Anyway, our next director is Wes Anderson, a guy who makes you feel like you ate a pot brownie and woke up in a greeting card.



STEWIE: On a March day, with a temperature of 64 degrees, my father lost his position with the Pawtucket Brothers Brewery Company, near our village in central Quahogia.

Needless to say, it would change our lives forever.

What does it say? I can't read spaghetti.

You're relieved of your position.

I see. And what's to happen to my play?

The opening is only days away.

The play's off.

STEWIE: With no discernible reaction, my father made his way home to deliver the news to my mother.

Let me tell you about my house.

We lived in a New England cottage that was inside a vintage Army tent, that was inside a decommissioned submarine, that was all inside an old airplane hangar.

I've lost my position with the Pawtucket Brothers Brewery Company.

And the play is off.


We have to inform the children.

STEWIE: My brother Chris had spent his life conjoining his twin loves, medicine and escape artistry.


A possible cure.


Do you want to do a Spider-Man kiss?

STEWIE: Our dog Brian had been making a name for himself on the pickleball court.

ANNOUNCER: And that's match for Gene Porterfield.

Are those marking sole shoes?

I'd like to officially file a grievance.

STEWIE: Brian had quietly become the most successful grievance filer in league history.

I'll be there right away.

STEWIE: The exterior of our house is a lighthouse now.

Inside's the same.

Okay, back to the story.

I've summoned you all and arranged you in a perfectly symmetrical form in front of me to tell you some important news.

I've been relieved of my position at the brewery.

What of the play?

The play is postponed, indefinitely.

No, Mr. Griffin.

You need to do this play.

We'll help you.

But I've lost access to the brewery.

That's where the whole piece is set.

Maybe it doesn't have to be.

But that's where the free tape and paper is.

I'll buy you new tape and paper.

The play is back on.

STEWIE: On an overcast Thursday afternoon, my father presented his play, one of the most compelling stories of the 1980s, Max Dugan Returns.

Max, you've returned!

I have.


This took a lot of work.

(German version of "I Got You Babe" playing)

STEWIE: My father passed away in the spring of his 43rd year, and was put to rest in the family graveyard.

He died chasing a Pokémon across a busy street.

♪ ♪

Hey there. It's me again.

Wouldn't it be great if Wes Anderson's movies were actually that short?

Anyway, the Hollywood Sign is more historic than you think.

On this very spot, 52 years ago, a piece of beef jerky was planted in the ground and watered with Red Bull.

A speedboat erupted from the soil, and in that speedboat... was Michael Bay.

(explosion, suspenseful music)

♪ ♪

This already doesn't make sense.

♪ ♪

You're fired, Griffin, for destroying company property.

Tell it to my tongue.

(both babbling)

Mr. President, we have a situation.

The Decepticons plan to destroy the Seven Wonders of the World, starting with the Hagia Sophia.

The what? Is that even one of the Seven Wonders?

CARTER: The Decepticons have only one weakness.

They're allergic to beer.

I don't like the taste either so much.

CARTER: That chest plate is where they're most vulnerable.

If we could find someone strong enough to throw a keg with enough force, we might have a shot.

(8-bit beeping, explosion)

The only problem is, there's not a man alive who can throw a keg with that kind of force.

There may be one.

BRUCE: I wonder who it is.

♪ ♪ Our top story: stopping the Decepticons with beer?

According to our sources, the search is underway for a man strong enough to throw a keg with enough force to save the Seven Wonders of the World.

(knock at door)

What took you so long?

There was a train and I like to count the cars.

It was a big one.

Me, too. That is fun.

But you're wasting your time coming here.

I don't throw kegs anymore.

(sultry music plays)

Who's this?

What are you wearing? That's my funeral shirt.

Look, Peter, I didn't want to ask you to do this because of that maverick but awesome thing you did in the battle war of the past.

Is this the stuff you didn't want me to ask you about?

I told you not to ask me about that.

He went rogue and saved everyone's lives, but he didn't do it by the book.

Is that why he can't get an erection?

Everyone stop talking about me!

Listen, it's not me that's asking, it's America.

(fireworks whistle)

Tell America my answer is "no."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my mind in the shower.

POWER BALLAD SINGER: ♪ Peter's country needs him ♪

♪ But he just doesn't know ♪

♪ He's scared he'll miss his shows ♪

♪ And he's expecting a UPS package ♪

♪ Who's gonna water his plants? ♪

♪ He's got a lot of balls in the air ♪

♪ That's for sure. ♪

(engine revs)

PETER: Hold on!

Damn it, I'm in.

But I do things my way, and I pick my crew.

Deal. Now let me sit sideways on your motorcycle like a Vietnamese woman, and let's get out of here.

(engine revs)

(tires screech)

Still trying to put the world back together, I see.

Hello, Peter.

We're not joining your team.

I'm putting together a team.

We're in. Good.

Let's shake hands like tough guys.

Some of your sweat went in my mouth.

(engine revs, tires screech)


Oh, hello, Peter.

I was just out back working in the garden.

Oh, yeah?

Trying to grow some balls?

Okay, okay.

LOIS: Play nice, boys.

(sultry harmonica tune plays)

Love the cookie-cutter house you and Poindexter got here.

Never pegged you for a burbs dweller.

Peter, you used to live here.

That was a long time ago.

It was two months ago.

Two months is a long time when you don't sleep and only eat ground beef.

Did you tell Chris about my mission?

I thought you should.

CHRIS: This is my favorite out of all the Seven Wonders of the World.

The Hagia Sophia.

It's like God made a basilica for himself.

Dad, nothing bad will ever happen to the Hagia Sophia, right?

Not on my watch.

TOM TUCKER: The Decepticons' second target has been announced.

It's Machu Picchu.

(moans softly)

City in the clouds.

Inca Empire.

When did our kids get so obsessed with the Seven Wonders?

They learned it from you.

Got to go, babe.


Save that (bleep) basilica.

(woman vocalizing)


According to the calculations on my Microsoft Surface, they have advanced cloaking technology.

The Microsoft Surface confirms it.

Microsoft Surface.

My Samsung Gear S2 watch says the same thing.

We came from outer space to step on church stuff.

That does it.

Let's have a fight with so many quick shots and close-ups, you can't tell what's going on.

♪ Up ♪

♪ To break it back down ♪

♪ We're building it up ♪

♪ To burn it down ♪

♪ We can't wait ♪

♪ To burn it to the ground ♪


(cries) (grunts)

♪ The colors conflict. ♪


Peter, don't.

It's suicide.

Take care of my kids' bikes.

They're expensive.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God!

I can't believe Peter's gone.

I never got to repeat to him the line he said to me earlier in the film that has taken on new meaning in the context of all that has happened.

(bagpipes playing)

Today is the day we honor the late Peter Griffin, the hero who saved the Seven Wonders of the World.

PETER: Who's that ugly son of a bitch?

Peter, you're alive.

But-but how?

You were blown into a million pieces.

Luckily, I know a couple of pretty good welders.

Wait, they-they welded you back together?

A-And they knew you were alive the whole time?

You want to ask questions or you want to do it in a cemetery?

(both laughing)

LOIS: Is... is everything all right?

PETER: Yeah, no, I-I think I'm just tired from all the flying back and forth.

Maybe we just talk here for a little bit, and then you can tell everyone that I functioned as I should.

LOIS: Yeah, uh, okay.

PETER: So, which director thing was your favorite?

Mine was this one.

LOIS: Oh, honestly, I-I didn't care for the episode.