Family Guy S16E6 Script

The D in Apartment 23 (2017)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Thanks for driving me to the library for story time, Brian.

Today we're reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar vs. The Human Centipede.

I heard it's like Alien vs. Predator with a little bit more butt eating.

That does sound fun, but what if I took you to a different library today? What?

But I like my library. I met Curious George there.

Mom said he was a puppet, but she's stupid.

I'm just saying we should go to the library at Quahog University and take your education to a higher level.

I guess I can try it. I mean, I do want to get ahead.

I don't want to end up like Meg, doing sad one-woman shows.

♪ Oh, I love trash ♪

♪ Anything dirty or dingy or dusty ♪

♪ Anything ragged or rotten or rusty ♪

♪ Yes, I love trash... ♪

(quietly): Whose fault is this?

You're wearing a garbage bag as a cape.

Who do you think?

Him? Shh. She's crushing it!

Oh, yeah. That's good library.

Aw, you didn't come here for me; you came to be a creep.

Whatever. You go do your thing.

I'm gonna go watch that young hotshot attorney over there who's clearly in the middle of a movie montage.

(upbeat soundtrack plays)

STEWIE: Oh! He found it. He's gonna win the case.


STEWIE: Oh, no. It was a '70s movie.

(somber soundtrack plays)

So, who you reading? George Eliot.

Ah, Georgie.

I'm a big fan.

I think he, uh... She.

...she said it best when she said...

"Bantam Press, 1851."

(groans softly)

Lumineers? What?

Hmm? You just said "Lumineers" with no context.

(like Urkel): Did I do that?



Wow, I've never seen someone go oh for six in 15 minutes before.

Just hard rejection after hard rejection.

(indistinct shouts)

What's going on over there? Looks like a student rally.

They probably forgot to study for an exam, so they organized a protest.

In the '90s, you'd just pull a fire alarm... now you hold a protest.

That is, when they're not looking down at their phones.

Hey, what's going on?

Someone wrote "weird" on the transgender bathroom, and the school president didn't overreact, so we want him fired!

Seems reasonable.


Oh, I see news cameras.

I'm gonna yell "Viva la Stool" like a young, white drunkard.

And last week, a professor told his class to have a nice day, which is microaggression, because in our systemic rape culture no day is a nice day.

So we want him fired, too.

(chuckles): Hey, if you don't want to get fired, don't become a teacher, right? Totally.

You should tweet that. #FireEveryone.

STEWIE: Viva la Stool!

Well, I guess I could fire up my account again.

All right, open app.

Got a bunch of those. No biggie.

Typing tweet.

Blast off in three, two, one, and tweeted.

I am back in the game. See?

Oop, you're gone.

And the crowd is gone.

And the animators are gone.

Hey, Stewie, what do you think about this tweet?

Oh, don't be that guy.

"Kelly Ripa no-shows at work."

Who does she think she is, a Republican senator?

(chuckles) #G-O-P-U.

Three references in one tweet. I'm sweating.

I'll just add it to my notes for later.

Why are you getting into Twitter now?

Unless you're an athlete or a celebrity, no one cares.

A lot of people like my stuff.

Oh, yeah? Someone needs to tell Donald Trump it's not fashionable to wear orange on your face after Labor Day.


Zero retweets. Zero likes.

Yeah, viral. You know, I don't care.

You can't stop me. Just like people can't stop Peter from ordering shepherd's pie.

And what can I get for you, sir?

I'll have the shepherd's pie.

I'm sorry, but that's not on the menu.

Well, do you have potatoes? Yes.

Butter? Yes.

Cream? Yes.

Salt? Yes.

Pepper? Yes.

Garlic? Yes.

Onions? Yes.

Lamb? Yes.

Carrots? Yes.

Eggs? Yes.

Flour? Yes.

Rosemary? Yes.

Thyme? Yes.

Chicken broth? Yes.

Corn? Yes.

Peas? Yes.


Remember when we did Star Wars?

Better get a tweet out before I go dark for a few hours.

(camera clicks)

About to see the new Kevin Hart movie.

Just kidding. I'm white and went to college.


(low whooshing growing louder)

(distorted, echoing thump)

(phone beeps)

(Baywatch theme "I'll Be There" playing)

♪ Some people stand in the darkness ♪

♪ Afraid to step into the light ♪

♪ Some people need to have somebody ♪

♪ When the edge of surrender's in sight ♪

♪ Don't you worry ♪

♪ It's gonna be all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm always ready ♪

♪ I won't let you out of my sight. ♪

(electronic chirp)

Wow, I haven't seen that much camel toe since the Arab Spring.


(imitates explosion)

(chuckles): Nah.

I am. Are-are you a fan?

You racist jerk!

I hope you get foot-and-mouth disease!

What the hell was that?

(electronic chirping) Uh-oh.

STEWIE (laughs): Wow, you are blowing up!

Blowing up bad.

Ah, look at that... Huffington Post just picked it up.

Buckle up, buddy.


(excited chatter)

There he is! MAN: Where? I'm in the back.

♪ ♪

Hey, how was Baywatch? I want to see that bad.

What were you thinking, writing that tweet?

What? It was just a joke.

Brian, it's not 2005... you can't just go online and say whatever you want.

Yeah, remember how mad people got when DiGiorno tweeted about domestic violence?

And they're not even a guy. They're pizza.

All right, all right, I'll delete the tweet.

You haven't deleted it yet?

(laughs): What a train wreck!

There. Done. Done.

See? It's done. It's gone.

What about all those people outside?

They'll see that I deleted it, and it'll all blow over. Trust me.

I hope so, but you never know.

They're still pretty mad at me down at Dick's Sporting Goods.

Um, what's the name of this place?


A-And what's that say on your shirt?

Dick's. (snickers)

Can I have two balls... and a helmet?

Hey, you're the guy from the phone.


Start the car, Chris!

Did you get him, Dad? We got him!

Hey, Sid. Happy Mango Monday.


Hmm. Those nighttime information technology classes must really be getting to Sid.

Hey, Curt.


Curt? Come on, it's me, Lunchtime Lois. (chuckles)

Gil, help me out here.


Gil, no! Uh, what about Barbara? Is she back there?

She can clear this up.

Let me talk to Barbara.

She doesn't want to talk to you, either.

Nobody does... not as long as you're living with that racist dog.

Oh, come on!

It was just a bad joke.

Where's Stanley?

He'll vouch for me. Let me talk to Stanley.

Or Henry. Somebody help me out here.

Chip? Hmm!

Karen? Hmm!

JJ? Hmm.

Angela? Hmm.

Tito? Hmm!

Larry? Hmm!

You can't freeze me out like this.

We're on a first-name basis!

They're on our name tags, Lois.

But I don't even have to look! (shudders)

(quavering): I don't even have to look!

Hey, how come no one told me we were going to the Clam?

Hey, Jerome, give me a beer.

Oh, why? 'Cause I'm, like, your slave?

Man, you're no better than your racist dog.

Come on, man.

B-Brian was just making a joke.

I told you about Brian. I told you.

Come on, he deleted his tweet.

But the hurt has been RT'd in our hearts.

Peter, you better get out of here before I start saying "sir" like a cop.

Come on, Joe, I... Sir? Sir?

You've been asked to leave.

Joe, it's me, Peter. I... Sir.

I don't want to have to ask you again.

Please leave. All right, fine.

Sir! No, Joe, Joe.

He's leaving. Sir!

Joe, Joe... Sir!

He's gone. Sir.

It's okay. (exhausted): Sir.

He's gone.

(lively chatter)

Your dog wrote an insensitive tweet.

You can't eat here.

Uh-oh, Meg. It's a sensitivity mob.

It was just a joke.

There's no such thing as jokes anymore.

Yeah, we live in a post-joke world.

Chris, maybe we should just eat outside.

No, Meg, we're eating here.

I'd like to see you try.

("Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing)

♪ I can't change... ♪


♪ Lord, I can't change ♪

♪ Won't you fly high ♪

♪ Free bird, yeah... ♪


♪ ♪





(breathing heavily): It was... a joke.

(people clamoring)

Can you put on the Canucks game?

No, go away.

SEAMUS: Loser.

This is getting out of control.

We can't leave the house without getting harassed.

Yeah, yesterday I went outside to try to get the mail and I had a seizure.

That may not be protester-related, but still, you got to do something, Brian.

What do you want me to do?

I-I deleted my Twitter account, my Instagram, Facebook, everything.

People still won't leave me alone.

You have to apologize.

Go outside, do it now.

Tell them that it was a mistake and how sorry you are and maybe they'll get off our backs.

Maybe you're right.

I got to face them and hope they'll forgive me.

(people clamoring)

(clears throat) Hello.

As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.


Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.

I want to read a few words...

QUAGMIRE: Boo. Liar.

Boo, Brian Griffin, boo.

Anyway, I-I want to...

QUAGMIRE: Boo. Apologize somewhere else.

Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to apologize...

MAN: Why did you say "ladies" first?

That's sexist.

It's just, it's just a-a standard greeting.

Let-let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...

WOMAN: Ooh, says the man.

Okay, sorry, I-I... Um, humans in the audience...

MAN 2: I identify as a basketball.

Humans and basketballs...

MAN 3: I'm a parrot who mimics words but doesn't comprehend them.

Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there...

WOMAN 2: "Whatever"? It's whoever.

WOMAN 3: Actually, it's whomever.

WOMAN 2: No one likes you, Mary.

(people clamoring) All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?

WOMAN 4: Now you're tone policing us!

MAN 4: That makes me uncomfortable.

Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal.

You know what? (bleep) you. (all gasp)

I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke.

There's a huge difference.

But nobody on the Internet ever takes the time to ask themselves, "Is this worth freaking out over?"

Or, "Are there bigger problems in the world than this tweet?"

Well, I assure you, there are.

And just for the record, I love black people.

I watch tons of black porn.

So, what do you all want from me, huh?

You-you want to ruin my life?

Then congratulations. You did it.

Everybody hates me.

I can't leave the house without getting harassed.

No one will hire me.

STEWIE: That was a problem before.

I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself or that they're gonna kill my family.

Leave me alone!

I'm the self-righteous, liberal douchebag, not you!

I've kissed a transsexual before!

How many of you can say that?!

Where's my (bleep) medal?!

I am so far left, I'm spinning in circles, you (bleep).

Instead of killing myself, I should kill all of you!

I'd like to see you try.

("Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing)

Ow! Jeez.

(people clamoring)

Well, we started the dialogue.

You screamed "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.

I am not the person those people out there say I am.

I know that, but you also haven't done much to prove that you aren't.

I know, I know.

All I have left is you guys.

Thank God you have my back.

We think you should move out. What?!

(loud thud) Oh! Brian, listen, we love you, but they're throwing things at our house.

We've got to keep our family safe.

I'm sorry. It's for the best.

Are you serious?! You're okay with this?!

Does this slow pan across our disapproving faces answer your question?

I saw Baywatch.

That thing was frickin' rad.

I still think this is a drastic measure.

Yeah, I messed up, but what about all the stupid things Peter's done?

He's never been kicked out and his life...

My life is not the issue here.

Peter, calm down.

Did you eat breakfast this morning?

I had a banana and a coffee.

Why am I so fat?

I'm sorry, Brian, but this is the way it has to be.

All right, then.

I guess this is good-bye.

Brian, wait.

This collar is ours.

It has our address on it.

Peace, dude.

All right, radio, time for you to tell me what this all means.

♪ I got a pocket full of quarters ♪

♪ And I'm headed to the arcade ♪

♪ I don't have a lot of money ♪

♪ But I'm bringing ev'rything I made ♪

♪ I've got a callus on my finger ♪

♪ And my shoulder's hurting, too ♪

♪ I'm gonna eat them all up ♪

♪ Just as soon as they turn blue ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got Pac-Man fever ♪

♪ Pac-Man fever ♪

♪ It's driving me crazy ♪

♪ Driving me crazy ♪

♪ I've got Pac-Man fever ♪ BRIAN: ♪ Pac-Man fever ♪

♪ I'm going out of my mind. ♪


Hey. Are you here for the Time magazines with some of the letters cut out?

Uh, no, I... no, I saw that you have an apartment for rent.


Here. Apartment 23.

Oh, okay.

I just have one rule here: no kissing the mailman.

I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

You haven't seen him, so don't say that yet.

MAILMAN: Mail's here.



(makes whooshing noises)

(popping lips)

(clicking tongue)

(man sneezing)

(man clears throat, spits)


("Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum playing over speakers)

CUSTOMER: If I have other items I want to buy, uh, can I buy them here at the pharmacy window?


CUSTOMER: Ruth? Yeah, bring it over here.

We can buy them over here.

RUTH: Where are you?

CUSTOMER: By the pharmacy.

RUTH: Hang on, I'm picking out sunscreen.

CUSTOMER 2: Sir, do you mind if I go ahead of you?

CUSTOMER: Uh, yes, I do mind.

♪ This time I have really lead myself astray... ♪

(humming along to "Runaway Train" playing over speakers)

♪ Wrong way on a one-way track ♪

♪ Seems like I should be getting somewhere ♪

♪ Somehow I'm neither here nor there... ♪

(alarm ringing)

Six dollars?

(alarm ringing)

Hey, did you knock over a few bottles in aisle seven?

Uh, yeah.



♪ Get so jaded. ♪

(grunts) MAN (muffled): Patricia?

Where's the big nail clipper?

PATRICIA (muffled): I don't know.

MAN: Did you get rid of it?

PATRICIA: Why would I get rid of the big nail clipper?


MAN: 'Cause you're a bitch, that's why. (groans loudly)

PATRICIA: Nice. Yeah, now I'm gonna tell you where it is.

MAN: I knew you knew where it was, you liar.

Tell me where it is!

PATRICIA: No. Find it yourself.

MAN: Oh, okay. Fine.

How about I hide something of yours?! Huh?!

PATRICIA: Put that back!

MAN: No, tell me where the big nail clipper is!


(electricity crackles) Damn it.

PATRICIA (muffled): Why can't you use the little nail clipper?

MAN (muffled): I want the big one, okay?!

And I don't want you using it anymore!

PATRICIA: Shut up, little man!

MAN: You shut up!

Where'd you put it, you liar?!

(igniter clicking)

(clicking stops)

(clicking continues)

(muffled applause from television through wall)

PAT SAJAK (muffled): $900.


CONTESTANT (muffled): "R." Aw.

PAT SAJAK: Two "R" s.

(muffled applause from television through wall)