Family Guy S16E8 Script

Crimes and Meg's Demeanor (2017)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hey, Meg. What are you up to?

Not much. Just finished an angel food cake.

Might go out to the trash, see if there's any possums to kiss.

I was just out there.

Oh, come on, it's your senior year.

Somebody must be having a party or something.

Well, there's one.

But... I wasn't invited.

Well, so what? Go crash it.

Nah. Not my style.

And what do you care? Do you want the TV or something?

What? No, no. I want... I want to see you have fun.

Come on, you should go, you know? Let loose a little.

You know what? You're right.

Maybe I will give it a shot.

Yeah. How awkward could it be?

Can't be worse than waving at someone who doesn't wave back at you.

No, not you. Oh. Sorry.

In fact, everyone but you.

Hi, everyone but him!


Lou, I like you a lot, but I-I think that's the last tape of you having sex with your girlfriend I want to see.

Suit yourself.

All right, I got to get over to my mom's wake.

Oh, right, yeah. Crap.

Ugh. Sorry again.

Oof. Cancer. Car accident.

No, I know, I just, I'm... saying it feels like everyone's getting cancer.

You know, Bowie.

(door closes)

Time to get creepay...

BRIAN: Huh. Kid family.

BRIAN: What a scumbag.

(baby bawling)


(muffled arguing)

(muffled): Because I'm working all day!

Oh, yeah? Well, here's what I think of your stupid work!

Don't you do that!

Fiona, don't you...

Is that Principal Shepherd?

Wow, that looks like a rocky relationship.

"Rocky relationship."


Oh, come on, Brian.

Don't comment or like it.

It's a hard lesson, but one he has to learn.

(electronic dance music playing)

(music stops)

(crickets chirping)

(electronic dance music resumes)

All right, ladies, time to mingle.

Hey. You guys talking Big Bang over here?

Big Bang Theory?

No? Any Bangers over here?


Well, I've tried everything.

We just don't have anything in common with these guys.

Maybe... we don't need anything in common with them.


Meg, come on, don't go crazy.

Damn, that's hot!

That was just lucky.

Oh, yeah?

Wow! Meg's so good at casually tossing bottles over her shoulder so they land upright!

And that's very popular right now, because we've run out of things on Earth.

Meg, that was amazing!

What can I say? I'm full of surprises.

Like the end of The Usual Suspects.

♪ ♪

(gasps) He was gay the whole time!

♪ Boughs of holly ♪

♪ Rockin' around... ♪ BRIAN: Okay, they're obviously home.

You'd have to be dumb to try to rob that place.

(keys jangle)

BRIAN: Oh, yes!

(airplane engine whooshing)

I hate the guy, but he's good.

Oh, my God.

What the... what the hell is going on over there?

Did he... (line rings)

Hello. - (party chatter) Hey, Stewie, it's me.

You got a second?

Brian? Hang on.

Hey, keep it down, you screwballs.

Here, let me just go somewhere a little quieter.

(party chatter) Oh, yeah, right. I'm the screwball.

You and friends say "screwball" a lot.

That's what happens when you run with a screwy crowd.

What's up with you?

Stewie, I think...

I think Principal Shepherd killed his wife.

What? What are you talking about?

I think I saw him getting rid of her body.

And carrying a bag with something heavy in it.

And... and there was red liquid dripping from it.

Okay, I've got to see this for myself.

Don't do anything. I'm coming over.

Hey, listen, you-you don't think... you don't think you could snag a couple of rolls of toilet paper, could you?

Stewie? I'm here. I just wanted you to have to sit with those words for a minute.

LOIS: Kids, dinner's ready!

(mocking): "Dinner's ready."

Shut up.

Little of the old schnappster ought to get me right.

'Ey... Chrissay!

CHRIS: Well, that's delightfully informal, Meg.

How the heck are ya?

So, what are you kids doing in school?

I got in trouble for saying something "insensitive" to trans kids.

What'd you say? Well, a few them started this a cappella group, and they're all kind of chubby.

So I said, "You guys should call yourselves the Trans Fats."

(laughs) Meg, you'll sit next to me this evening.

But, Dad... I'm sorry, Chris. You've fallen out of favor.

Perhaps forever.

Oh, Stewie, thank God you're here.

There's a seagull in your hallway.

Listen, what are we gonna do about this Principal Shepherd thing?

Look, all you know is that the guy was carrying a wet bag.

It doesn't mean he killed his wife.

You're building this whole theory... (electronic ding)

What is that noise?

It's a news alert.

"Fiona Shepherd, wife of James Woods High School principal John Shepherd, has been reported missing."

Oh, my God, maybe he did do it.

You know, there are some bad people in this world.

Hey, you don't got to tell me that.

I learned that in Fight Club.

All right, Stewie, what's the first rule of Fight Club?

G-string underwear.

No. It's "don't talk about Fight Club."

Oh. Well, I really blew it.

Hey-o! What's up in this piece?

You're getting home late.

Yeah. We were hanging out in the woods, and...


...this one girl pushed another girl over while she was peeing.

They fought, and then the cops came.

Meg, this is important.

Did she fall in the pee?

I can smell your breath.

You've been drinking, haven't you?

No! Geez, Mom, get off my back.

Peter, I think she's doing booze.

What should we do?

Lois, she's just being a teenager.

We don't know she's, like, for sure, definitely been drinking.

I found this in her room.

My little girl's a drunk!

(sobbing): Oh, my God, where did we go wrong?

Meg, we need to talk.

What, Mom? But I know what you're gonna say, and I know how you're gonna say it.

Oh, really? Yep.

(imitates Lois): I don't want you drinkin' or your life's gonna go down the crappah.

(laughs) That's not bad.

I-I mean, I sound nothing like that, but it's a fun character. Heh.

But this is serious.

Alcoholism runs in our family.

Hey, I'm just glad something runs in this family.


I don't mean to... (laughs)

I-I don't mean to laugh, okay? But that was funny.

Mom, I'm just having fun.

I'm finally known as something other than "the chubby girl who put the lunch lady in a headlock."

And besides, Dad's the one who pushed me into going to that party.

Oh, he did, did he?

Son of a bitch. What was that?

I don't know. Someone must've messed something up.

Listen, you need to talk to Meg about her drinking.

What? Why me?

Because you're the one who told her to start going to these parties.

(sighs) Okay, fine.

I guess it's just something I got to deal with.

Like the flush of a high-powered toilet.

So, you plan on going back at that banana, huh?

So the bastard killed his wife, and then reported her missing.

I-I got to... I got to call the cops.

(line ringing)

Quahog Police. Joe, Joe, it's Brian.

Listen, I have to tell you something.

I-I'm pretty sure Principal Shepherd killed his wife.

That's a serious accusation. Do you have any proof?

I have something better than proof: rank suspicion born out of boredom and loneliness.

Sorry, that's just not enough for us to go on.

You must be pretty tired from thinking about all this.

You ever get bags under your eyes? What?

I've been using this eye cream, it's done wonders for me.

It's made by a company called Rodan and Fields.

Have you heard of them, Brian?

Yeah, I-I think, uh...

Oh, they make terrific stuff.

In fact, I was such a fan, I became a sales consultant for the company.

Listen, Joe, I got to run.

I'm hosting a little get-together tomorrow night, If you want to stop by. There's gonna be pizza and soft drinks, then a man's gonna talk about the whole line.

Can I go ahead and confirm your attendance?

(beeps) Well, that was no help.

What if I go over there and try to find some evidence that he did it? All right, fine.

But you have to be careful.

Don't worry, he won't have any idea.

I'll be more discreet than a guy standing by himself in the ocean.

Hey, are you peeing?


Are you pooping?

I'm just trying to enjoy the day.

Why don't you go bother that guy?

Summer's blown by, huh?

So, your mom says you've been drinking.

Yeah, like, a little bit, but... but it's nothing you have to worry about.

Look, I-I was young, too, you know.

I-I remember going to parties, walking up with a six pack.

You're so excited to get there, you start jogging a little.

Your friends are all there, and they're so happy to see you, they're practically cheering your name.

And then "Mony Mony" comes on at just the right time.

And everyone's dancing, and-and Laura Hallston's jugs are just slamming into you.

You don't have a care in the world, and if all of it came to an end right then and there, so be it.

Well, you're my daughter, and I don't want any of that for you.

Hey, you want to see where I was sitting when you were born?

Yeah, I still think about Laura a lot.

You were already drinking tonight, weren't you?

(giggles, snorts) A little.

Well, I can't talk to a drunk person if I'm sober.

Hey, Jerome, can I get a beer, please?

But now I'm starting to sober up, so I'm gonna need one to keep an even playing field.

All right, but it stays between us.

And what if they card you?

Don't worry. I got it covered.

Wow. That's really good.

Right?! Jerome, make it two!

♪ My girl wants to party all the time ♪

♪ Party all the time, party all the time ♪

♪ My girl wants to party all the time ♪

♪ Party all the time ♪

♪ I buy you champagne and roses, put diamonds on your finger ♪

♪ Diamonds on your finger ♪

♪ Party all the time ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ My girl wants to party all the time ♪

♪ Party all the time ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

BRIAN: All right, he's gone.

Now, if I give the word, you've got to get out of there, okay?

Got it.

Oh, my God!

BRIAN: What? What is it?

He sleeps in a bunk bed!

Are you kidding me?! Who is this guy?!

Wait a second. Is that...?

Bri, I'm gonna put you down for a sec.

Stewie, no! Don't.

(elevator bell dings)

Stewie, get out of there!

Stewie! Stewie!

Got to get his attention. (grunts)

Man, just short.

BRIAN: Oh, God.

(knocking) MAN: Domino's.

Oh, good.

MAN: Medium pie, ten wings.

BRIAN: Is the blue cheese dressing in there?

Thanks a lot. Have a good one.

(door closes)

(Brian munching on food)


He got out! Ha, ha! Yes, Stewie!

Oh, crap.

Oh, my, that was close.

Stewie, he saw you! He saw you leaving his apartment!

Oh. Well... so what?

He doesn't know what we're doing.

(gasps) What? What is it?

STEWIE: Well, that's... that's not good.

(seagulls squawking)

(water lapping)

Dad? Dad, wake up!

Huh? What happened? I don't know!

We must have stolen this boat last night.

I-I have no idea where the hell we are!

Oh, no, my cell phone's dead!

I got a little bit of juice left, so we can either A, call someone, maybe they answer, maybe they can help, or B, we can definitely switch faces.

Look at you! Look at me!

That's what this is! (beep)

Oh, we're gonna die.

Dad, what are we gonna do?

You think it's too early to tie our shirts around our heads to show we're going insane?

I mean it, Dad. This is serious.

I did pants instead.

Ugh! I don't feel so hot.

What is wrong with me?

Have you taken a break since you started drinking?

Not until right now.

Do you feel like lying on the couch, rubbing your eyes, while listening to Lou Reed's "Perfect Day"?

Yes! Then I'll tell you what's wrong with you.

You got a hangover.

What can you do for a hangover?

Well, Meg, so I don't have to think about my throbbing headache, I try to think of something else, like a riddle.

Like, how would you describe Chris O'Donnell?

Huh. He's not tall or short.

And he's not fat or thin.

Well, he's not handsome or ugly.

And he's not young or old.

He's not loud or quiet.

Uh, he's not memorable, but-but I know who he is.

(gasps) Thanks, Dad!

I feel so much better.

But you know who doesn't?

Chris O'Donnell.

Bye, dildo.

(footsteps approaching)

Oh, no. Hard shoes on linoleum.

That's a principal!

Brian, a lot of people live in this building, and you can't tell it's a principal just from a walk.

(slow knocking)

MAN: Excuse me? May I have your attention, please?

Okay, that's probably a principal.

Hey. How are you today?

What can I do for you?

What do you want from me?

Listen, it's... it's-it's not what you think.

Then what is it?

Well... I'm, um... I'm actually doing a documentary about some of the finest principals in the country, and...

Ow! Continue.

"Finest principals in the country" and...


Stewie! Help me! (wind whistling)

BRIAN: How did I get here?

Well, to answer that, you'd have to go back a little while.

STEWIE: We're not doing that!

(wind whistling, thudding)

We found this in a Dumpster behind Principal Shepherd's building.

That's it. That's-that's the bag!

I guarantee his wife's in there.


Ha! What's the matter, rook? Too heavy for you?

I've actually been a cop for years.

I have tummy cancer.

Oh. Weird way to say that.

What the hell? Bu-But I saw...

Yeah, well, what is all this?

Principal Shepherd, I think you've got some explaining to do.

Look, I tried to tell you, I didn't kill my wife.

She just texted me today that she's moved out and she's banging my cousin, Pat Sajak's accountant, by the way.

STEWIE: It's a weird time to name drop.

And the food, well, I've been stealing it from the high school to make ends meet.

My life's "kinda brute," as the kids say.

Sounds like you've had a rough day.

No wonder you've got those bags under your eyes.

Have you ever heard of a company called Rodan and Fields?

(water lapping)

MEG: Ugh. Are all hangovers this bad?

PETER: Yup, that's the deal you make with the gods of fun.

Every 72 hours, you lose a day.

Dad, you're so sunburnt.

I can't move because it hurts too bad.

Ugh. This is awful.

We don't even know if anyone's looking for us.

Look, don't worry. We're gonna be okay.

This is why you shouldn't drink.

Booze is nothing but trouble, and you don't need it.

You got a good brain in your head.

Thanks, Dad, and if this is what drinking makes you feel like, you don't have to worry about it.

I am done with booze.

Aw, I'm glad to hear that.

And I'm sorry I pushed it on you.

I just... I just wanted to watch TV.

I don't want to see you waste opportunities

'cause you were out partying.

That's what I did.

You just worry about being you.

Don't worry, Dad.

I'll never be anything like you.

That's my girl.

(helicopter blades whirring) Dad, look!

Oh, my God. Meg, we're saved!

Thank God you found us.

We're so glad you picked us up...

Chris O'Donnell? That's right.

And I hope you like turbulence, dildos.

NARRATOR: The actual Chris O'Donnell is not a Coast Guard helicopter pilot.

We assume he's probably too short.

Oh, my God. Brian, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Annie, are you okay?

So, Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?

What happened to her?

She was hit by, uh...

She was struck by a smooth criminal.

That was fun, Mom.

We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together.

Listen, Brian, we want you to come home again.

Oh, so the Twitter pariah is finally welcome home?

No, but the school board hero dog is.

It was all over the papers.

You saved the school $206 from all the food they recovered from Principal Shepherd's fridge.

So... you really want me to come home?

They're still gonna serve that food?

Of course we do.

Hey, where's everyone else?

Oh, my God. Peter, what happened?

PETER: What happened? A fair question.

And to answer it, we have to go back a ways.

STEWIE: Stop doing that thing! Aw.

Brian, I got to say, it's great to have you home again, buddy.

Well, it's great to be here.

Living on my own was fun, but I couldn't stop thinking about all the stuff I was missing being away from you guys.

Did you ever finish that banana, Brian?

And, Meg, I hope you learned your lesson about drinking.

Yeah, I think I'd rather live my life as a loser than feel bad once in a while.

Well, I hope you know that you're our loser.

Thanks, Mom.

CHRIS: If my life were better here, would I stop searching for it... up there?