Family Guy S16E9 Script

Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas (2017)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

All right, everyone.

Because today is Christmas Eve...

(OVER STEREO): ♪ School's out... ♪ Not yet, Griffin. (MUSIC STOPS)

I thought it might be a nice treat to...

♪ School's out... ♪ Griffin! (MUSIC STOPS)

Thank you.

To let everyone leave a little bit earl...

♪ School's out for ♪

♪ Summer. ♪ Christmas!

Fine. Everybody have a nice holiday.

(BLEEP), teach.

♪ Out forever ♪


♪ School's been... ♪ See you at the moon tower.

You know it!

Hey, Wooderson, see you at the moon tower?

Nah. I'm just gonna drive around in my Lincoln.

Weird people out.

♪ ♪ WOODERSON: Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright.

Oh, what fun to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight.

Jingle bells. Jingle bells.

Jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a Lincoln AKZ.

ANNOUNCER: The Family Guy Christmas Special, brought to you by Lincoln.

Lincoln. What are we doing?

Oh, I love this time of year.

You know, Chris, you and your stillborn twin Tmas were named after Christmas.

I see the kids put their gifts under the tree.

Brian, I don't think you've put yours there yet.

Well, as we know, the true spirit of the holiday is one of giving.

So, I've signed all of us up to volunteer tomorrow at a homeless shelter.

That's your present.


Last year, you wrote us a freaking poem, and now this?!

I thought the poem was lovely.

Now, hold on.

I think that's actually a wonderful idea, Brian.

It'll be good for the kids.

Nothing reminds you more of what you have than watching a grown man poo right through the split in his pants.

Now, let's finish decorating before your father gets home.

Okay. I'll put the Kanye Canes in the stockings.

KANYE CANE: You know, it's just like, you know, music and fashion, all that...

(MUFFLED): You know I can't be stopped.

Whatever I do, you know, I just want to be the best, because.

(MUFFLED): The best is never enough.

Mark Zuckerberg promised he'd give me $50 million, fam, but then.

(MUFFLED): He welched and I'm penniless.

(RAPPING): ♪ Kanye is the greatest ♪

♪ Kanye drops the latest ♪

♪ There can be no debatest ♪

(MUFFLED): ♪ And Kanye got the status. ♪ ANNOUNCER: The Family Guy Christmas Special, brought to you by anthropomorphic candy canes.

Family Guy. What are we doing?

Dad's car is coming!

He's coming fast.

He can't wait to see us.

PETER: Get out of the road, you idiots!

And he's headed right to the bar.

The Clam's on the other side of town.

He went out of his way to do this.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to

"'Twas the Night Before Christmas," as read by Norm Macdonald.

"'Twas the night before Christmas..."

W-Wait, "'twas"? What's "'twas"?

Is that short for "it was"?

What kind of rush are you in, man, you can't just say "it was"?

Oh, you saved a lot of time there, fella.

Oh, don't come at me with that "it was" stuff.

I got things to do.

Got to get down to the donut shop.

You know, two days ago, I was at the donut shop, and I said, "Hey, donut guy, you got anything warm back there?"

He says, "Try the fritters. They were."

"They were"?

What does that even mean, "they were"?

You must mean "'twere"!

The fritters "'twere" warm.

What's that? We're out of time?


I'm fired?

Hey, you know, uh, O. J. Simpsn is a wife-beating murderer, right?

Oh, right, was.


Well, I got to get home.

Every year, we gather round and play "O Holy Night" from our favorite holiday album, A Very Slow Christmas with Peabo Bryson.

♪ O... ♪


♪ Holy... ♪ Well, I suppose I better get out of here before that overenthusiastic group of carolers makes their way in here.

♪ Have you heard the story ♪

♪ That they're telling 'bout Bethlehem? ♪

♪ Have you heard the story of the Jesus child? ♪ Aw, too late! Let's head out the back!

♪ How he came from heaven and was born in a manger bed ♪ To the windows! ♪ Mary was his virgin mother ♪

♪ Pure and mild ♪ Oh, my God, they got Quagmire!

♪ Sing hallelujah, sing hallelujah ♪

♪ Worship the Jesus child and praise his mother mild. ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: Coming this holiday season, it's Star Blizzard!

Using laser technology to shower your home in a blizzard of dazzling lights!

So much easier than stringing Christmas lights.

I can light up my whole house for just pennies a day.

I looked into it, and now I'm blind.

Honey, the house looks great!

Who's there?

Hey, Frank, could you turn that off?

My cat's freaking out.

Who's that now?

I don't know voices yet, I'm new-blind.

TV ANNOUNCER: Star Blizzard.

Happy holidays, and just don't look into it.

Oh, Peter, you're finally home.

Yup, just in time to watch Patrick Swayze's.

Christmas in Wonderland.

Well, before you sit down, I just need you to do a couple things.

Okay, first, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights.

Then I need you to get the eggnog cups out of the attic and bump your head on a low eave.

After that, take my cousins to the airport and pick up my other cousins at a different, farther away airport.

Then shovel and salt the walk.

Then shovel and salt the driveway.

Then shovel and salt Mrs. Whitaker's driveway.

She's 96 and has no one to help her.

We need four netted bags of cinnamon pinecones.

Get the bags at Hobby Lobby and the pinecones at Pier 1.

Next, inflate the giant snowman and put it on our front lawn.

The pump's broken, so you'll have to do it by mouth.

Then it's just laundry, take out the trash, and move the house a little bit to the left.

Ugh. Can I do some of that tomorrow?

No, because tomorrow we're going down to volunteer at the homeless shelter. What time will you be back?

You're coming with us.

What? What does that have to do with Christmas?

Peter, it's a holiday of giving back.

Yeah, but bums?

What kind of presents would they possibly have for us?

Bags full of bags full of bags?

You know what, Peter, I've had it.

I'm tired of your selfishness.

It's setting a bad example for our children.

Kids, get your coats!

Oh, is this it? Is this the divorce?!

Coats? Where are you guys going?

Every year, my parents invite us to their house to enjoy Christmas in Newport.

And every year, we don't go because you don't want to.

Well, this year, I am going and the kids are coming with me.

Go ahead!

I'm fine by myself!

I'll just watch my Patrick Swayze movie and take a too-full bath.

Aw, now I want to be on that side.

Well, that didn't work.

Now to take a slidey-toilet-seat, soaking wet dump.

Merry Christmas, kids.

Merry Christmas in Wonderland!

Aha, ha!

I love you, Patrick Swayze.


♪ ♪

(ECHOING): Peter.

Peter Griffin!




You think Santa could fit into a pair of 22-inch-waist jeans?

Patrick Swayze?

How is that even possible? You're dead!

Haven't you ever seen Ghost?

Peter, you're in trouble.

So, I've come back to help you recapture the true spirit of Christmas.


Ghost House. Road House.

Ghost Road. House House.

Road Ghost.

The ghost of Patrick Swayze!

I can't believe it!

I just want to run through your hair like a dog bouncing in tall grass.

Go ahead.



That was awesome!

Hey, where are we?

Peter, you've lost your Christmas spirit, so I'm taking you on a journey to "Christmas Past" to find it.

Oh, wow.

Th-This is my old house from when I was a little kid.

That's right, Peter.

I've taken you all the way back to the year 1970/80/90.

I'll never forget that year, when President Richard Reagan Clinton lied to the American people.

Hey, hey, that's me!

Look how skinny I am.

Yay! It's Christmas!

And I made your favorite, peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.

Wow, these are all for me?!

Of course, Petey.

It's Christmas, everything's for you.

Yay! Cookies at 7:00 a.m.!

Thank you, careless parent!

I'm gonna eat 'em and hum!


See? Look how happy I was.

That's the Christmas spirit.

I haven't felt that in years.

Yeah, looks like your mom really went out of her way to make Christmas special for you.

She sure did. (DOOR OPENS)

Oh, hey, look, there's my friend Holden!

Merry Christmas, Peter!

He could still talk then.

I wonder what happened to him.

I gotta go! I gotta go!

Hold it in! Hold it in! Hold it in!

(SLURRING): Hold it in! Hold it in!

Hold it in!

Hold in! Hold in!


You died before Game of Thrones, but a-a lot of people will like that.

What is this? Are we still in the past?

No, this is the present.

And I just want you to see that not everyone in Quahog has lost the Christmas spirit.


What's this?! Coal!

Why?! Bad!


Ho, ho, ho!


Thank you, Santa!

Daddy, you missed Santa.

He was right here.


♪ ♪


♪ Night... ♪


Wow, no wonder I don't see Cleveland until New Year's.

At least they're together.

Well, I know one family that isn't together for Christmas.

That was a delicious meal, Daddy.

You all laughed when I suggested Boston Market.

Well, who's laughing now?


I guess I am.

All right, everyone, grab your hot ciders and gather around the speakerphone.

It's time to call my grandmother, Nana Pewterschmidt.


What did she say?

She wishes you a merry Christmas.

That's not what she said.

Time for figgy pudding!


Seems like they're having a good time without you.

Oh, they're just pretending to have fun.

I'm sure they miss me.

We should probably call Durd.

You mean Dad?

No, the fat guy who sleeps with Mom.

You guys talking 'bout Durd?

More champagne, miss?

(CHUCKLES): Miss? Oh, my!

It's been a long time since anybody's called me miss.

(CHUCKLES): Wow! Merry Christmas, huh?

Oh, Merry Chris-miss! Ha!


Oh, my God, she's doing that flirty laugh she does.

It's subtle, but when you've been married as long as we have, you notice these things.


You're very funny, Lance.

You're a very handsome, funny man.

Now, let's see that penis!

Yeah, see, again, if you read between the lines, she's flirting.

Why, this isn't a merry Christmas at all.

I don't like anything you're showing me, Pat...

Oh, my God, they got Joe.

♪ Have you heard the story ♪

♪ That they're telling 'bout Bethlehem? ♪

♪ Have you heard the story of the Jesus child? ♪

You're not scaring me with any of this, Patrick Swayze!

And no matter what you show me, there's no way my family won't be right back here spending Christmas with me tomorrow!


♪ Oh, my love. ♪ Wha... Wh-Wh...

What's happening?

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

I'm shaping your future.

And you will see...

Oops. That's what happens when I talk while I'm doing this.

Is this how Jonah Hill was made?

I can't believe our buddy's dead.

I know. And it's so sad, he left his family with nothing.

Yeah, Lois had to sell her clothes to get by.

I mean, I love having this underwear, I just...

I just don't love why I have it.

God, it's so sad.

Who's this poor Benjamin that just died?

Nobody ever said Benjamin.

Poor, dead Benjamin.

All right, you're not getting it.

Let me just take you to your house.

Boy, I love the holiday season with my husband who's right upstairs, just out of frame.

Oh, am I coming down?

Oh, please tell me I lost the weight and kept it off this time.

Merry Christmas!

Who's that guy?

That's Lois's new husband, Lance.


I finally had the guts to leave her.

Good for you, Peter.

What about the kids? How are they doing?

See for yourself.

All right, everybody, I'm off to Colombia...

Chris got into Columbia?

South America.

Where I will attempt to smuggle drugs back into the country in my rectum.

Aw, I knew there was some kind of rug-pull coming.

And I'm off to Yale... The lock maker?

The lock maker, where I have a minimum wage job.

All right, okay, yeah, I'm-I'm getting ahead of these.

I'm going to Brown... four boxes of Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage for my breakfast.

Well, I'm proud all my kids got into Ivy League puns, but what happened to Brian?

Hey, what's Brian doing out here in the graveyard?

He usually sleeps at the foot of my bed.

He still does.

Oh, my God!

I'm dead? But how?

You died from a fire started by your MILF-On-A-Shelf.

Want to see some pictures of my teenagers?

No, Karen.

Look, I haven't watered my Christmas tree for a few weeks now, so could you watch your really long cigarette, please?

Did I tell you I went to the mall with my daughter and an employee thought we were sisters?

Yes, many times.

I don't understand.

Why didn't someone in my family save me?

They went to Newport because you wanted to be by yourself.


Looks like you got what you wanted.

Oh, my God, look, it's my ghost!

Not exactly.

Ugh, why do I smell so bad?

Because I'm a dog fart now. What? Why?

Because that's what happens when you lose your Christmas spirit.

You spend all of eternity as a dog fart.

Was this in the book? Yes, it was an obscure chapter written during Dickens' opium and spoiled lamb phase.

But how do I...

Where'd... where'd he go?

Don't worry, Brian's a 13-year-old dog.

You're around a lot. (FARTS)

Please, Peter, don't lose your Christmas spirit.

It's disgusting in there.

He eats garbage and his own poo. (FARTS)

Please, Peter, don't lose your Christmas spirit.

This is no life for a person. (FARTS)

Please, Peter, he ate Lois's trash.

There's tampons in there! (FARTS)

Please, Peter. Keep your Christmas spirit.

Please, Peter. This is no life for a person.

Please, Peter. I'm the tampon one.

No! No!


No, please, spirits, no.


Wh-Where am I?

What day is it?

All the porn girls I follow on Instagram have Santa hats on.

It must be Christmas!

Merry Christmas, P. O. V. Angie!

Merry Christmas, triple-X underscore Tara Kink underscore triple-X!

Merry Christmas to all the thirst traps!

Thanks, Grandpa.

This Christmas is perfect, isn't it, Mom?

Almost, Meg.


Yeah, it is, except every time Grandpa bends over to get a present, his robe opens up.

Let's see, I think this is for Chris.

Good God!

Looks like two eggs in an old handkerchief.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Peter! Durd!


Oh, Peter, you did come.

Yes, Lois, I'm here, all loaded up with Christmas spirit and a sack full of hastily bought gifts from the CVS.

For Chris, a special People magazine look-back at Robin Williams, 'cause he killed himself.

Wow, look how thick the cover is.

It's almost like a real book!

For Stewie, a two-dollar Styrofoam cooler.

Awesome! I can probably fit 16...

Oh, the top blew away.

For Brian, a Rhode Island sweatshirt with both "Rhode" and "Island" misspelled!

Wow, it hurts when I put it on!

And for my beloved wife, a lawn chair that was 80% off because it's winter.

Oh, Peter, I can't wait to drink outside in this.

And finally, for Meg, a clock radio with an iPod jack for the iPods they don't make anymore.

Dad, you've never bought me anything before.

Are you sure this is for me?

Of course, Meg, sweetie.

It's Christmas, everything is for you.

I love you, Peter.

I love you, too, Lois.

And, Patrick Swayze, thanks for helping me find the true spirit of Christmas.

I wish there was some way I could repay you.

Who are you talking to?

Well, actually, there's one thing in heaven that Chris Farley won't do with me.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Hit it! Hit what?


♪ Everyone's watching ♪

♪ To see what you will do ♪

♪ Everyone's looking at you ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪

♪ Everybody wants a new... ♪


(QUIETLY): ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ For the weekend... ♪ Mom, what's he doing?

I don't know, Chris.

Let-let's just keep opening presents.

He'll tire himself out.

Great idea.

Here's one for Meg.

And here's one for Stewie.

And here's one for my beautiful daughter.

Sweetie, come help me with this.


♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪

♪ Everybody wants a new romance ♪

♪ Everybody's going off the deep end ♪

♪ Everybody needs a second chance ♪

♪ You want a piece of my heart ♪