Family Guy S17E20 Script

Adam West High (2019)

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Family Guy is filmed before a live studio audience.

That's Carol, Lois' sister who was married to Mayor West, but now he's dead. I love you, Carol!

We're glad you could come over for dinner tonight, Carol.

Thank you for having me.

I've been having such a hard time since Adam passed away.


I want to squeeze your butt and then take your pants down and look at your butt!

We still can't believe he's gone.

He was such a great mayor, and a great uncle to the kids.

Wait, Uncle Adam is dead?

Yeesh. How many people has this show killed?

Yeah, we're all gonna miss... Hey, don't touch me, man!

I'm leaving. I know-I know what I did. I'm leaving.

Yeah, we're all gonna miss Mayor West.

You know what'll make you feel better, Aunt Carol?

Doing an Indian guy.

Meg, stop eating with the serving spoon.


I just wish there was some way we could honor Adam's memory here in town.

You know what we should do?

We should rename the high school for Mayor West.

What, you mean change it from James Woods High?

Yeah. James Woods is an embarrassment to Quahog.

He's a political troll and a maniac on Twitter.

I think that's a great idea, Brian.

You should meet with Principal Shepherd and suggest it.

Awesome. And while you do that, I'll make a special video dedication reminding people of how great Mayor West was.

Oceans apart Day after day And I slowly go insane I hear your voice On the line But it doesn't stop The pain If I see you Next to never How can we Say forever Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be Right here waiting for you...

So, you'd like to rename the school?

Yes. To Adam West High.

Well, you're a talking dog... you probably know what you're doing.

Let's do it.

Damn it!

The only thing that's left to do now is for you to pay the normal $1,000 principal meeting fee.

What?! Wait a minute.

Do you have a gambling problem?

Me? I don't have a gambling problem.

Points! Just score points!

I don't care who.

Principal Shepherd, someone named Eddie Payups is here to see you.

Tell him I need one minute.

Anyway, great idea. We'll have a ceremony to change the name of the school this week.

What's the score of that game right now?

It's, uh, 85-75.

Ugh! Not enough.

Wow, we did it.

We changed the name of the school.

Well, you know, it was the right thing to do, Brian.

Like when I had to give bad news to that improv team.

I called you here to tell you that you're all 45 years old.

Go home and be with your children.

Thank you, everybody, for coming today as we honor one of Quahog's finest citizens, Mayor Adam West.

We will start today's ceremony with the traditional 21-cat launcher salute to honor our wacky but beloved mayor.

Ready! Aim!


Beautiful. Now, to unveil our new sign, we've invited HGTV's Chip and Joanna Gaines, who are here to prove that their show didn't ruin their marriage.

All right, Quahog, are you ready to see your new sign?


Oh, a-are we going that way?

I don't know, Joanna. What direction are we going?


Thank you. Uh, please, uh, stick around for refreshments and snacks in the gymnasium.

Go, go, Principal Coffee Breath!

Looking for someone?

I like this episode.

Brian, wait. Oh, hey, Carol.

Do you need me to walk you to your car in case the studio audience guy shows up?

No, he killed himself in my downstairs shower.

Oh, good. That's good.

I just wanted to thank you for what you did today for Adam.

He was a great man.

You know, I see a lot of him in you.

Oh, no. Are we gonna kiss?

We're gonna kiss, aren't we? I came here to say that what you did was very honorable.

It showed real leadership, and I think you should be the next mayor of Quahog.

Ah, damn it!

Oh, I couldn't do that.

I don't know anything about politics.

Although crazier things have happened.

Harry Truman didn't have any experience.

Of course he did. He was vice president, and before that, a United States senator.

Oh, word?

Brian, is this gonna be a politics episode?

I-I think it might be.

No one likes those.

So, Carol was just going on and on about how I should be mayor.

And it's got me thinking, it is an interesting idea.

You think I should do it? Absolutely not.

I mean, if not me, who? Anyone.

If not now, when? Never.

You know, why not me? A million reasons.

I mean, who do you want in there, some career politician? Yes.

What are they gonna do? Govern.

Thanks, Stewie. Your support means a lot.

You don't have it. You know what? I'm gonna do it.

Guys, I have an announcement.

I'm gonna run for mayor. That's a terrible idea.

You idiot, Brian. Meg, fart on Brian.

I can't. I don't have one in the chamber.

The one time I give you a chance, you're not ready.

Chris, tag him for Meg.

See that kid? He's a gamer.

Great job, Chris. Now, go hit the showers.

Meg, you miss 100% of the farts you don't take.

That kid's going places. He's going all the way.

If only they knew.

That's my boy!

Welcome back, Quahog. And now it's time for a new segment on our show called "On the Same Sofa," in which a guest and I have a conversation while sitting on the same sofa.

My guest tonight is mayoral candidate Brian Griffin.

Thank you for coming, Brian. Pleasure, Tom.

And thank you for allowing me up on the furniture.

I don't always get to do that. Oh, word?

Now, I understand you're running unopposed.

That gives you a bit of an advantage, doesn't it?

Well, Tom, I welcome a challenger.

Not the one that exploded, but, um...

That's probably gonna get me in trouble right there.

Good thing I'm running unopposed.

Well, we've now reached the middle of the interview, where I ask the guest, "How's the sofa so far?"

So, Brian, how's the sofa so far?

So far, so-so.

I see. Sophie?

So far we've got a so-so sofa.

Great. Okay, Tom, we go live in three, two... What? None of that aired?

It's all right, we can recreate it.

And you're on.

So, Brian, I understand you like eating your own poop.

What's that about?

Argh. Turn that off.

I can't believe we're gonna have a dog for mayor.

We're gonna be the laughingstock of the whole country.

Even Sean Hannity's talking about us.

He's a weird-looking guy.

Put up a picture of Sean Hannity. Can we do that?

Yeah, Tosh does it all the time. Put it up.

Yeah, he does look weird.

Yeah. Who does he look like?

I'm seeing Mr. Doubtfire.

High-sodium Superman?

He looks like an angry face drawn on a thumb.

The richest guy at Rite Aid?

Or the mayor who won't close the beaches in Jaws.

Wreck-It Ralph at a job interview.

You know that's a guy who's roughly led his wife out of parties by the elbow.

A guy whose ice cream parlor just went broke.

He looks like a handsome Weeble.

Or a hot Frankenstein.

Yeah, but either way, he's that Little League coach the parents hope their kids don't get.

He looks like a fish that inflates to scare predators.

The inside trader who kills himself the day his prison sentence is supposed to start.

I'm thinking Fred and Barney's son.

Trust me on this. Strip club lunch regular.

I feel like that's a dad who's ripped his kid's posters off the wall.

And sleeps in pajamas buttoned to the top.

72-ounce steak contest entrant.

Drowned-in-the-lake- last-month Colin Farrell.

All right, that was fun.

Hey, let's do Matthew Perry. I'll start.

He looks like a pelican trying to swallow a fish that's too big.

Barn owl in human skin.

He looks like he told a genie he wished to be a pool noodle. Hey, guys?

Friends brings me a lot of joy, so can we stop this?

Hail to the dog Every tree in town is mine now Open the window I'm gonna bite the air.

What's this?

Well, looks like stolen property and vandalism, for starters.

Uh, can you hang on? I'm finishing a phone interview.

And that's why I would never joke about the Space Shuttle Challenger tragedy.

I can't believe I said that twice.

Now, how can I help you, Brian?

Why are you doing this? Why are you running for mayor?

Uh, let me think. Oh, yeah. Out of spite.

Spite for you.

That's not a reason to get into politics.

It's the only reason to get into politics.

Well, you're just wasting your time, because you're not gonna win.

I don't know about that.

You seem pretty afraid.

The only thing I'm afraid of are fire truck sirens and things that look like faces.

Fine. See you at the debate.


What are you gonna wear? I don't know.

I was thinking, like, a collared shirt, jacket, no tie.

Yeah, yeah, no tie. Yeah, definitely no tie.

That son of a bitch.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker, and I will be your moderator for tonight's mayoral debate.

Not because I want to, but because it counts as community service for open-hand smacking an Uber Eats guy.

Let's meet our candidates.

First, the impeccably-dressed Glenn Quagmire.

Thank you, Tom. Is that a Windsor knot?

Double Windsor, Tom.

Excellent. Some might describe that tie as "mayoral."

Next up, we have super-caj Brian Griffin.

I was gonna wear a tie. He told me not to.

He's already losing, and it hasn't started yet.

First question: as candidates for mayor, how do I put my apps into a folder?

I know how to get them shaky, I just can't get them in a folder.

You just drag them into each other.

But you know what else is shaky?

My opponent's economic plan.

It's irresponsible for the town to get two credit cards and just swap the balance back and forth each month.

But-but the town would get miles.

Whoa, so I can just name the folder whatever I want?

"Tom's Stuff."

Okay, Tom, we go live in three, two...

Good evening, Quahog, and welcome to your mayoral debate.

What the... None of that aired? I was totally winning.

That's okay, we'll recreate it.

Now, Mr. Quagmire, you're a dirty sex fiend.

Why would you wear a tie to a casual debate?

Good question, Tom.

And I'll answer that with one word: pizza!

Damn it, he burned me twice.

And, you're not gonna, like, bring pizza for everyone, right?

No, it's a debate. They'll have food there.

Right, they' have food there. Okay, so, no tie, no pizza.

I'll see you there.

Open the door, Quagmire.

Hey, Brian. I was just emptying my bus garbage.

Would you like to eat it first?

What's the catch?

God, you're a dumb beast.

Come on in.

Have a seat, Brian. I'm fine standing, thank you.

Let's cut the crap. The only reason you're running is... to make me look ridiculous.

And I am not just some idiot to be laughed at and not taken seriously.

Ha! Sit down, Snoopy.

What did you say?

I said, "Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog."

You son of a bitch!

You idiot! He's allergic to getting hit in the head!

Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

Calm down, Brian. This bus has OnStar.

OnStar roadside assistance.

Yes, our bus went over a cliff. We need help.


I-Is this Glenn Quagmire?

Yes, sweetheart. Hi, who's this?

It's Melissa. From the Ramada Inn.


The Framingham Ramada Inn or the Cranston Ramada Inn?


Oh, yeah, we're gonna die.

I think my leg is broken.

Oh, my God, how are we gonna get down from here?

You think he's dead? I don't know.

Hey. Hey, buddy?

What's his name? Uh, it's something Spanishy.

I-I think it starts with a "G"?

G-Gerr, G-Ga, Goo...

Goo, Goo-gar... Goo-gardo. G... Yeah, that's it, Googardo.

That doesn't sound like any name.

Well, sure it does. Googardo?

Say something if you're okay, Googardo.

The more you say it, the more it doesn't sound like anything.

Googardo? Move something if you're alive, Googardo.

Oh, my God! Oh, look, there's his jacket.

Oh, yeah, his name was Frank.

I can't believe this. I'm gonna die with Glenn Quagmire.

Hey, dying with Glenn Quagmire was good enough for Googardo.

Vaya con Dios, Googy.

Please don't use the familiar form of a guy's name you never knew.

What was I thinking getting on this bus with you?

It was dumber than when Peter hired that raccoon accountant.

All right, well, you're the money guy.

Let's put it all in to slightly-open trash cans.

You have anything to eat in here?

Yeah, there's some edible underwear in that bag over there.

Ugh, isn't there anything else?

I have a ball of peanut butter with a pill inside.

Hmm, wish you hadn't told me about the pill.

You know, this underwear's not bad.

Are they for your political groupies?

No, these-these are men's.

They're-they're mine.

Quagmire, why did you even want to be mayor?

Honestly? I just want a street named after me.

I think that's kind of cool.

Actually, that is kind of cool.

Why did you want to be mayor?

Mayor West told me he went to 65 pancake breakfasts a year.

That number... That-that stuck with mat What, like, the... like, the pancakes were free?

Yeah. 65.

That-That's, like, pancakes every Saturday morning and probably some Sundays.

And sometimes it's, like, kids making the pancakes, and-and you get these mondo huge ones.


Probably no chocolate chip pancakes, though.

Are you kidding me? 65 a year, you're gonna get at least eight to ten chocolate chip pancake events.

You think eight to ten? Yes.

And now that I say it out loud, eight to ten sounds low.

So, pancakes is why you wanted to be mayor?

Well, pancakes and... look at the people in our town.

Who else is gonna do it? I know.

This is such a garbage town.

You know, when you think about it, we're really the only two viable candidates.

I mean, you're a pilot.

You're responsible for people's lives.

You make quick decisions.

Or the machinery in the plane makes quick decisions.

M-My point is, you're a smart guy.

Thank you.

And now you say something nice about me.

Like what? Like I'm good company, and I'm smart and funny, and I'm invited to all your pool parties.

And I should just come over if I hear one of them going on.

No, thank you.

But... but you have to.

I'm not gonna say something I don't mean just because your ego needs to hear it.

See? That's why I ran against you.

Because I know that's the only reason you were doing this.

You're a complete tool!

You do sound like kind of a tool.

See? Even Melissa from OnStar thinks you're a tool.

You've been listening this whole time?

There's nothing to do at OnStar.

People have iPhones now.

I just listen in to cars. Sometimes there's sex.

Screw this. We just got to get out of this bus.

Regardless of what we think of each other, this is no way for us to die.

I'm gonna try and climb up to the street and see if I can get help. Just be careful.

I don't know how stable this thing is.

Oh, my God. You just got hit in the throat with a gentleman's dildo.

Hey, Melissa. - What? What happened?

He got hit in the throat with a gentleman's dildo.

See, this is why I listen.

Mayor West?

Hey, guys. Don't mind me.

I'm gonna go steal that bus driver's identity.

The Celtics are free money tonight!

Well, Lois, you almost had a female president.

I almost had a dog mayor.

I can't believe they canceled the election after they thought Brian and Mr. Quagmire were dead.

Does that mean we still need a mayor?

It sure does, America.

Who do you think should be the next mayor of Quahog.

Register your votes at

Your votes don't count. It's a trick.

They're just tracking your data. - No, it's not. No, it's not.

Is Mr. Quagmire okay after the accident?

Yeah, he's fine. He's having one of his private pool parties.

Hey, girls. Thanks for coming.

Is your voice still broken from the accident?

No, no, I-I'm just trying to be quiet.

Grab yourself a drink.

I'm gonna have some chips first.

No, no, no!

Is that a pool party I hear?


And that was the moment I remembered...

Quagmire doesn't have a swimming pool.

I want to be a mayor in real life.

So I'm here to ask you to make me the mayor of your town.

Vote for me, Adam West.

It'll be a home run.


It'll be a home run.