Family Guy S17E5 Script

Regarding Carter (2018)

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Happy birthday, Lois.

You know, today you officially become the oldest woman I've ever slept with.

Yes. You said the same thing last year.

Well, unlike you, that joke never gets old.

Oh, and I forgot to pick up the cake.

Hey, Lois, I don't like any of these snacks.

Can I have something from the kitchen?

We can have snacks from the kitchen?

I could go for a sandwich.

No. No one gets snacks from the kitchen.

You see what you started?

Hi. I'm here for the pony rides.

What? Oh, boy.

This-this must be some sort of big mix-up.

Don't worry, Lois, I'll handle this.

What's his name? Lightning.

That means he's fast.

So, uh, Lois, where are your parents?

Didn't they say they were coming?

Yeah, but I'm sure Daddy had a last-minute work thing.

He's always put business first.

Even growing up, he never came to any of my piano recitals.

It was the '80s, so he was always doing cocaine-and-sushi business meetings.

All right, Hideki, it's a deal.

Now, let's celebrate the way rich guys do, by...

Ah, damn it, I snorted the wrong one.

Ah, wasabi!

Wasabi in my nostril!

Still better than sitting through that piano thing.

Oh, hi, Daddy. You missed the party.

I know. I thought I'd apologize with an upper-class New England mumble-kiss.

I'm so sorry, dear. It's okay.

And here, I brought you a gift.

A gun? Yeah, you love guns.

No, I don't.

You don't know me at all.

I can't believe you'd blow off my party then give me a handgun.

Especially when there's kids in the house.

Hall. Kids in the Hall.

Damn it, Daddy.

I'm trying to explain that guns are hazardous and unsafe, not have a conversation about a tepid 1990s Canadian sketch group.

You're wrong about guns and comedy.

I'm out of here.


Was that a tepid 1990s David Spade reference?

People are allowed to like things!

Peter, you want to watch Netflix?

Yeah, let's watch one of those stand-up specials.

There's a bunch of 'em, they got to be good.

No. No.

Tom Segura? No.

Chinese girl.

Another Chinese girl.

No. No.

Anjelah Johnson?

Geez, they're giving one of these to everyone.

How come I don't have one? You do, Peter.

This is the taped intro.

Mr. Griffin, you're on.

Good evening, Ithaca Civic Auditorium.

So I'm thinking I might get a bike.

You know, one of these things?

Ring-ring, ring-ring.

"I'll get you, Toto!" Yeah.

I'm thinking I might.

Okay, I'm off to the grocery store.

So, what'd you do with the gun? Gun?

Yeah, my father gave me a gun as a present yesterday.

Where was that during birthday sex?

Maybe I would have finished.

Unlike you, guns can actually fire.

I don't think this marriage needs a gun.

Anyway, I hid the gun someplace safe until I can figure out how to properly dispose of it.

So don't get any ideas.

Good for Lois.

Guns are a major problem, especially in the hands of someone like...

It was in a box with Chris's adoption papers... Oh.

You heard nothing.

Hi, I got my gun here.

I'd like to rent a stall, please.

Sure. You need a tutorial before you start?

Yeah, it's a gun range.

I think I got it.

Wait! I think I did it wrong.

So how was the gun range, Dad?

Did you shoot up that silhouette real good?

That is so my dad.

Now here to sing the Heart classic "Alone" is Chris Griffin.

I hear the ticking of the clock I'm lying here The room's pitch dark

I wonder where you are tonight No answer on the telephone.

Turn around.

We now return to The Orville on Fox.

Why do you hate that show so much?

Because it's preventing me from doing my work here at Family Guy.

Damn it, I think I loaded a bullet wrong.

All right, let's all take turns looking down the barrel with one eyeball and see if we can figure out what's going on.

Chris, you go first.

Oh, my God, Peter. Give me that.

This gun is not staying in this house for one more second.

I'm giving it back to my father.

Yeah, it's been a disaster.

Like when Peter was the only one not wearing black jeans at a Rush concert.

Sing "Tom Sawyer"!

We already did.

And what are you wearing?!

What? These are my concert khakis.

Beat him! Beat him in six-eight time.

And don't let him escape to the completely unoccupied ladies' room.

Ah! No. Please, uncles who voted for Gary Johnson, leave me alone.

And now a song about radio towers.


Daddy, are you there?

Don't do anything to scare him.

He flew on my shoulder while I was having a lemonade.

Daddy, I...


Daddy, you need to take this gun back.

I never should have accepted it in the first place.

And you never should have given it to me.

Are you sure?

I bought it at Anthropologie.


Wait a minute, what am I saying?

No. You have to take it back.

I'm not. You're keeping it. It's a gift.

Damn it, Daddy, why won't you just take the gun?

Oh, my God! Daddy!

I'm so sorry.

It can't be too serious.

They haven't done an overhead crane shot yet.

Oh, God! There it is!

I'm calling 911.

Oh, no. It's floating up, signifying his spirit leaving his body.

And there's the single minor key note.

This is bad.

Family Guy will be right back.

Well, now it doesn't seem so serious.

Hey, quick question: any of you guys know how to countersue somebody?

Dr. Hartman, please, how's my father?

Well, at this point, it's hard to say.

He suffered severe head trauma.

So if you want to beat him in Mario Kart, this is your chance.

And the champ is dethroned.

Oh, poor Daddy. You know what?

We're gonna bring him home with us and take care of him until he's 100%.

What? Oh, come on, Mom.

I want Grandpa to get better, too, but living with us?

Why can't Grandma take care of him?

Oh, she's busy.

She went to Antarctica to steal a penguin.


Daddy's gonna require all our love and support.

Well, you got the right guy for that.

I'm great at supporting people.

On Mad Men, I was Christina Hendricks' bra.

Joan, can you call a meeting of the partners?

Help me.

Too much is being asked of me.

At least you're there.

I'm Jon Hamm's underwear.

Why am I Elisabeth Moss's socks?

Chris and I should switch.

Yeah, let's switch. We're gonna switch.

All right, Chris, give me a hand with Carter.

Hey, I heard another chair.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

He's not paralyzed, Joe, he's just recovering.


All right, Daddy living here is gonna be a big adjustment, and we're all gonna have to make sacrifices.

So, Meg, Daddy will sleep in your room, and Stewie and Chris, you'll stay where you are.

What? I'm the only one sacrificing.

Don't be ridiculous, Meg. I said everybody's names.

Come on, Meg, it won't be any worse than when I took Gérard Depardieu to Burning Man.

I feel so free.

My breasts are muddied up.

I'm tripping balls.

Easy, Gérard, we're still at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

I'm gonna go crazy.

You can poop anywhere.

We'll take the insurance.

All right, Carter, now we're gonna try and jog your memory and get you talking with some familiar pictures.

So, I will hold them up and you say what they are.

What? You don't know who this is?

But he's so talented.

Anyone who doesn't know who he is brings shame on his children and wife.

Peter, come on. We're trying to help Daddy, not relive our embarrassing loss to Joe and Bonnie in Celebrity.

All right, fine. Next picture.

What? You don't know who he is, either?

Go on, Lois, scream at him that he should know.

This guy was in a movie once.

That means we need to put a fifth head on Mount Rushmore.

Damn it, Peter, you should've known who he is.

Even Joe knew.

Yep, Joe sure did.

Hey, Ansel Elgort and Gemma Arterton are in a Cary Fukunaga film.

Good for them.

All right, Daddy, I know NCIS is on, but I want to watch Real Housewives, unless you tell me not to.

Oh, those two hate each other.

These two have a three-year-old feud based on an offhanded remark at a charity fashion show.

I'm sure Andy Cohen will explain it all on Watch What Happens Live after the show.

No! The show itself is bad enough!

We don't need another show explaining what we just saw.

Daddy! You're back.

Please, anything but this show.

We could watch Netflix.

Uh, Cleveland Brown:

You Startin' To See What I'm Sayin'?

So, the president pulls the plug on an investigation into the president?

You startin' to see what I'm sayin'?

Since you're doing a little better, Daddy, I thought you should see where you work.

It might help trigger more memories about your life.

I work here? Wow. This place is huge.

What do we do? Are we nice?

You put pesticides in baby food.

Aw. Not only that, your chemical waste gave a town cancer. Yikes.

You burned down the entire Amazon rain forest.

Whoops You're the number-one producer of whale meat. Sheesh.

You dumped lead in drinking water. Zoinks.

Your oil pipeline moved 12 Native American tribes.

Your fertilizer plant exploded, killing 4,000.

You bought Vine and shut it down. I did what?

You bought Vine and shut it down. I did what?

You bought Vine and shut it down. I did what?

I'm sorry, Daddy, but you're a very cutthroat businessman.

And maybe worst of all, you engage in constant, gratuitous animal testing.

Sir, as you requested, we had all the monkeys watch Vikings.

Did they like it? Do they think it's worth me putting in the time? Uh, no.

They didn't care for it. Good.

This is valuable information.

Now have them watch Sarah Jessica Parker and Thomas Haden Church in Divorce.

Sir, they've just watched 66 consecutive hours of Vikings.

If you could... Oh, what, so you want humans to watch Divorce?

Because if monkeys don't, that's what has to happen.

Wow, I guess I was a cutthroat businessman.

But what about when I wasn't at work?

What did we do together?

Well, sometimes you made me reenact Kids in the Hall sketches that basically had no endings.

But to be honest, we didn't do much.

Your work always came first. Really?

And you still took care of me when I was hurt?

I... I don't like who I was.

But from now on, I'm going to be a better father and grandfather.

We're going to spend real time together.

Really? Oh, that'd be wonderful.

I haven't been this happy since I went on Safari.

Oh, my God. This is so much faster than Firefox.

All right, let me go to Facebook.


It's auto filling "Fat Butt Rodeo"?


You were supposed to stay on Firefox.

Morning, pumpkin. I brought muffins.

You brought pumpkin muffins?

What? No. Wh-What? But you said...

You know what? Let's try it one more time.

Hey, sweetie pie. I brought muffins.

You brought sweet pies and muffins? No.

We've already done that.

Damn it, now it's gonna go back outside.

Wow, Daddy, you really meant what you said.

It's been wonderful spending so much quality time with you.

Yeah, Carter. You know, you've always been a real bastard, but I got to say, it's nice to see you turning things around.

Thanks. You know, you guys made me realize that I wasted my whole life caring about money, and I'm not giving up another second.

That's why I've decided to retire from Pewterschmidt Industries and give all my money to charity.

Oh, Daddy, that's wonderful.

Yeah, Carter. Good for you.

Thanks. You know, I was a little worried you guys would be mad about losing your inheritance.

Oh, Daddy, I don't care.

I've seen what wealth's done to you, and I certainly don't want that to happen to us.

Besides, we're regular people.

We wouldn't miss millions of dollars, right, Peter?

I'm thinking I might.

So, it's weird being Japanese.

Last night, my husband wanted 69.

I said, "Why do you want beef and broccoli now?"

Hey, that's Chinese.

Look, I know you're upset about losing our inheritance, but when we got married, the first thing I told you is I didn't want Daddy's money.

Well, yeah, not now, but I didn't know you meant forever.

Peter, stop being so selfish.

For the first time in my life, I have a father who's kind and wants to spend time with me.

And that's more important than any inheritance.

Yeah, well, I still want that money.

It's the only way I can afford that surgery to turn myself into 100% stained glass.

I don't get it. Neither do I.

Oh, my God.

Dad's beautiful.

All right, guys. Now, the way I see it, Carter's only giving away his money 'cause he's nice now.

So to get our inheritance, we have to figure out a way to make him mean again.

I don't know, Dad. He seems pretty happy.

Anyone can get mad, Chris. Even Shaquille O'Neal.

Excuse me.

My flapjacks was supposed to have a Superman "S" on them.

Are you mad? I... I can't tell if you're mad.

Very mad. This is unacceptable.

At's the point of having millions of dollars if everything can't be Superman?

Okay, well, we'll fix it right away.

Is there anything else I can get you?

Yes. A big ambulance.

I am stuck in this booth.

So, ideas... how do we make Carter mean again?

Why don't we hire a prostitute to bring him almost to completion?

Okay, don't love that my daughter came out of the gates with that.

Why don't we just mix up all the colors of his Play-Doh?


Well, you know what gets Gargamel all riled up is those pesky Smurfs. Maybe there's something there.

Ooh, I know, I know.

Why don't we hire a transvestite to pick him up at a bar, then take off her wig at the exact moment of completion?

Yeah, Meg, take it down a notch.

I know what'll make him mad.

Let's get him a book for Christmas.

Didn't I get you all books for Christmas?

Yeah. And now I've got something for you to read, genius.

It's called the room.

Hey, wait, I got something. How do we summon Zuul?

I bet Zuul could help.

Why don't we take him to a truck stop bathroom, and then after completion, we...

Okay, Meg, are you trying to get a rise out of me?

'Cause guess what, young lady?

It worked.

Well, at least I'm saying real ideas and not just repeating things I've seen in children's programming.

Yeah, Dad, I kind of agree with Meg.

It seems like you're going for comedy over substance.

I see. Well, then, I have one last idea how to make Carter mean.

Turn him into one of my kids.

So, what do you want to do today?

You know, this may be crazy, but I'd love to finally play piano for you.

Cool, like Alicia Keys.

A piano player named Keys?

That has to be fake, right? Yeah, I'd think so.

That's pretty dumb. I mean, if I was in a band, I wouldn't call myself Carter Guitar.

I know, right?

Actually, I like Carter Guitar.

I want to be that now. Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't we do something together?

I'll play, and you sing.

Sounds great. Who's the guy who married a kid and then later on killed his wife?

Jerry Lee Lewis. That's it.

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain Something, some-something, something, something insane Goodness gracious, great balls of fire Y-You don't have to sing the piano part.

I'm playing it.

All right, here's the plan.

I clothespin his balls.

Meg and Chris, you twist his nipples in opposite directions.

I'm glad you came around.

Peter, you may want to take a look at this.

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain...

Oh, my God. Look at them.

This is just what she's been saying she wanted: to spend time with her dad and for him to love her.

I guess that really is more important than money.

Wow. Dad's really taking this to heart.

Meg. Meg.

Tie my shoe.

Hey, let's do another. How about my karaoke song?

Sure, what-what is it?

The theme to Hill Street Blues.

What? But that doesn't have any lyrics.

The hell it doesn't.

Hill Street blues, Hill Street blues Hill Street blues I've got those Hill Street blues.

Wow, you're good.

Of course I'm good. I'm Carter Guitar.

Hill Street blues, Hill Street blues Hill Street blues I've got those Hill Street blues There were some ugly people on that show.

That's what made it real.

Hill Street blues Hill Street blues, Hill Streeblues I've got those Hill Street blues.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry I only cared about the money, Lois.

You were right. You having a dad is way more important.

Thanks, Peter.

Hill Street blues, Hill Street blues Hill Street blues...

Oh, my God! Daddy!

Who told Carter he could give away our (BLEEP) money?

Daddy? Daddy, please tell me you can hear me.

Wh-Wha... What's going on?

And what are you idiots doing here?

I can't waste time with you. I'm a cutthroat businessman.

Aw, the gunshot changed him back.

Oh, thank God. There's my Carter.

Well, I guess it was nice to have time with Daddy while I could.

And Peter, I'm glad you filly realized family is more important than money.

Me too, Lois.

And I think we all learned a valuable lesson about firearms.

That's right, Peter. Guns create problems, but they solve them, too.

You said it, Lois. And you know who else has a gun?

Stan Smith. Take it away, Stan.

Peter, that's... that show's not on after us anymore.

Oh. What is on?

Something as or more successful?