Family Guy S17E6 Script

Stand by Meg (2018)

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, thanks for coming in to see me today.

Is this about Chris?

We know he's been struggling lately.

Well, let me put it this way.

Parents of a failing student say what?

What? No, Peter, wait.

Nope, too late; he said it. I'm marking it.

Didn't get the Woos; they're very smart. Asian.

Maybe they didn't understand me. I don't know.

The point is, Chris's grades aren't improving, and just yesterday, he caused a little ruckus in his history class.

Alexander Hamilton was white I just can't understand why he's doing so poorly.

We here feel that the best solution is for Chris to attend something called vocational school.

Yeah, you know what? Chris deserves a vocation.

He's been working hard, he's doing great in school...

No, vocational school is where less academically capable students learn a trade.

Don't you have to be Italian to go to one of those schools?

Uhp, there will be plenty of those jokes later in the episode.

Now, won't vocational school limit Chris's options down the road?

Oh, hardly.

He'll have a wide range of career options, such as the following:

Those are three terrible options.

Parents who are okay with this say what?

What? Gotcha.

That one's on you, Lois.

Why, Meg, don't you look pretty today.

Thanks, Mom.

She's going to ask you for something.

So, listen, I was wondering.

Do you think you could take Stewie to a birthday party today?

The birthday boy was premature, so he looks like a 12-inch-tall Rachel Dratch.

Why can't you do it, Mom?

I can't take another party with that trio of judgy sitcom moms.

Oh, hi, Lois.

Gosh, I just love how you always look so comfortable.

I know. Are those pajamas?

And I'm the black one for unrealistic diversity.

I can't believe I have to go to vocational school.

Does this mean I'm a failure?

No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.

You know, I'm always at a loss for words in these moments.

Fred Sanford, you want to do the honors?

Go get 'em, you big dummy.

Um, your show went off the air 40 years ago, and you died 30 years ago, so that phrase means very little to me.

I know it's a big step, honey, but you can do it.

That's right, Chris. This family's never shied away from a new challenge, like when I was the spokesman for that perfume, Deschanel Number Five.

Precious. Annoying.


Hot, but not worth it.

Probably a nightmare in person.


The fragrance for when you want to smell like a 40-year-old toddler.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm here for my first day of vocational school.

Right this way.

This notepad and pencil is from Mr. Tony over there.

All right, settle down, you yucks.

We got a new student, Chris Griffin.

So everybody give him an "ayy."


Look at that, your first day, and you got all A's.

Come here, let me pinch your cheek.

Got all A's.

You're expressing affection and dominance.

Griffin? Where's the "Ucci" or "Squalotta" at the end?

You Jewish? No.

It true, if you're Jewish, they cut your dong off with an ax?

My uncle's Jewish. Friggin' mess, that guy.

Hey, chip-chop, it's 9:30. Let's start thinking lunch.

We do a nice sit-down thing here.

Little piccata, little veal.

Rocco here learned to cook in the joint.

Okay, everybody dirty up your hands, we'll eat in ten.

Wow. This is way better than that barber school I went to where I couldn't stop pumping the chair.

Just a bit off the top and shorter on the sides.

We're just gonna be pumping today.

Did you bring the cups?!

Um, uh, no.

My mom didn't say anything about cups.

All right, snack table. Now, what do we got?

Loose Cheerios, Goldfish crackers, pretzel sticks, and... ooh.

The siren's song of the unattended: whole grapes.

Come and eat us We won't choke you Put us in your cheeks.

Oh, okay. These grapes seem nice enough.

They said they won't choke me.

You should have sliced us Skinned us, cut us, now you have no air Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, my God, Stewie!

You're choking!

Soaring through the air.

Meg. You saved me.

You're... you're my hero.

I am not letting you out of my sight again.

Here I lie On the ground What of me now?

No bowl, no bunch No stems But is here where I begin again?

Today I begin the life that I've dreamed...

Uhp, there's a foot.

Coming this fall, from the makers of Paranormal Activity comes Normal Activity.

Did you wash your hands?


Meg Griffin, you saved your brother's life, so here's your showcase of prizes.

You'll be the talk of the town with your new macaroni necklace.

That's right, you'll be strutting down Spooner Street in this dental floss macaroni necklace made with Oral-B dental floss and Pasta Barilla.

Pasta Barilla: a taste of Italy right in your home.

All right, time for Bethenny Frankel, America's favorite chattering pirate skeleton.

Dad! Dad, get off me!

Get off me, Dad!

Hey, hey! Get off my sister!

Go fly a kite, bub. Ouch.

Wow, that book really worked.

His hat's flying off cause he's been given a what for.

Peter, leave the baby alone.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size, like William Howard Taft?

Wow, you're further in the book than I am.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just go retrieve my hat.

And, Meg, why are you on the couch?

You know you're not supposed to be on the furniture.

Look at her. She just sits there and takes it.

She deserves a better life than this, Brian.

And you know what? I'm going to give it to her.

How you gonna do that?

I don't know, but it's going to be a challenge, like trying to seem sad while you're wearing flip-flops.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

Very sorry.

Let me know if you need anything.

Very sorry. Excuse me.

The owner of a Geo Tracker with the license plate "FLP FLP," you're blocking the funeral procession.


All right, Chris.

A big part of being a mechanic is being completely shocked when somebody hasn't had a particular item on a restaurant menu. Hey, Chrissie.

We're thinking about going over to Pete's.

You want a bread sandwich?

What's a bread sandwich? What?

You never had a bread sandwich from Pete's?

Everyone who's not currently in the room, get over here.

Griffin's never had a Pete's bread sandwich.

Whoa, whoa, what? You never had a bread sandwich from Pete's?

We've covered this. Somebody tell me what it is.

What do you think it is? It's three pieces of bread.

Me, I like a piece of sourdough on top, piece of sourdough on bottom, and a nice piece of wheat in the middle.

I like to go rye, rye, rye.

I'm a rye guy.

Hey, you guys going to Pete's?

Someone get me a bread sandwich.

Griffin's never had one. What?

What? Guys.

I just called Pete's. They're closed forever.


Who answered the phone?

All right, Stewie, how do we make Meg popular?

I've got it all figured out.

They're posting the cast list for the school play.

I'll just give Meg all the parts.

That way, she'll be the most popular girl in school.

Good night, good night.

As sweet repose and rest.

Come to thy heart as that within my breast.

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?

That son of a bitch.

Th' exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

What's all this, then?

Well, that didn't work. Don't worry, Brian.

We've still got the spring musical.

One man likes to push a plow The other likes to chase a cow But that's no reason why they can't be friends Territory folks should stick together Territory folks should all be pals Cowboys dance with farmers' daughters Farmers dance with the ranchers' gals.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

What's all this, then?

She can't be helped.

Mr. and Mrs. G, thanks so much for having us over for dinner.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

Chris has said so many nice things about you.

Ah, maybe one or two of 'em are true.

Chris, tell your mom and dad about the story you wrote.

Oh, I don't know. Chris, come on, don't be shy.

Okay. It's called "The Black Duck."

"The Black Duck." You ever seen a black duck?

I seen a brown duck, a yellow duck, a white duck with a green head.

Hey, there's all kinds of ducks. This kid thinks of a black one.

Come on, it's just a stupid story, guys.

Hey! If it was such a "stupid story," why would it have such a well-rounded protagonist?

Remember what I told you behind the garage?

That you might be gay?

Wh-What? No, no, I didn't say that!

The-the imagination on this one.

Black ducks, I'm gay, what's next?

M-Martians? L-Little green Martian people?

Oh, Chris, I'm so happy you have so many wonderful new friends.

He was very unpopular in high school.

Oh, yeah, you know, he's strong, too.

He takes care of a lot of stuff for us.


Yeah, he-he took care of one of our competitors.

Mr. Firestone says hello.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Stop it. Stop it.

Oh, my God, Chris!

That's silly, but it's still murder!

Relax. That Michelin Man had no family.

He came from tires, Ma!

All right, if we can't make Meg popular, we can at least find her a boyfriend.

Neil, can you come out? We need to talk to you.

I can't open the door. It's the Sabbath.

You can come around the back entrance.

Why are all the lights off?

I can't turn them on myself. It's the Sabbath.

Get the lights for me, will you?

Also, can you pick up the phone and order me a pizza?

I can't do it. It's the Sabbath.

Listen, Neil, we really wanted to talk about Meg.

That can wait. I've just looked at some porn, and I need you guys to give me some assisted relief.

I can't do it myself. It's the Sabbath.

Okay, this-this is starting to sound a little weird.

It's not weird. It's Jewish.

I can't believe we did all that and he still turned us down.

I know, and Al-also, Brian, it's Thursday.

Well, I am officially out of ideas.

Yes, there's literally no one in town sad and desperate enough to date my sister.

Hey, guys, can you hold my phone and point it over this way?

I want to live-stream my suicide.

Yeah, sure, Kevin.

You know what it is, Stewie? It's a selfishness It's an inability to look out and see someone who needs someone.

It's-it's just... it's a lack of empathy.

Can you make sure I'm totally in the frame?

Yeah, I'm not a pro. You get what you get.

Anyway, what is wrong with people that they're so myopic and just preoccupied with their own little lives?

Is it on? It's whatever it was when you handed it to me.

The point is, there's someone out there for everyone if they're just willing to open their eyes and look.

Wait a second! Don't you see, Brian?

Oh, my God, you're right!

Kevin, before you go through with this, would you consider taking Meg out for a date?

Meg? Why?

Look, we know you've had a hard road ever since you came home from Iraq.

Well, this could be a chance for you to help someone else who maybe feels as bad inside as you do.

Okay. I'll ask her out.

Great. Call her tomorrow.

Tonight she's doing the fall play.

It's a one-woman performance of Hair.

Let the sunshine Let the sunshine in Let the sun... shine in.

Should've called it Too Much Hair.

I finished the book.

All right, Brian. Here comes Meg.

Now, don't let on that we had anything to do with Kevin asking her out.

Relax. I know how to keep my cool.

You guys!

I'm going out with Kevin Swanson!

Get out of here!

Brian, why are your hands on your hips?

Turn it down a notch.

Yeah, he asked me out. Totally out of the blue.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

Get your hand off your cheek, you mess.

Principal Shepherd, we came to ask if there's anything we can do to get Chris back in the school.

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, I-I'm afraid we can't do that.

Oh, I think you can.

I think you can do that and a whole lot more.

Oh, my God.

That is not what a testicle is supposed to look like.

Has a doctor seen this?

What are you gonna do, charge me with smoking?

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid you have testicular cancer.

I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Oh, I think maybe there is.

If you keep doing that, you're gonna pop it.

Stewie, I still don't understand why we have to pretend to work at the restaurant.

It's all part of the plan, Brian.

Meg and Kevin need to have the perfect date.

That's why I gave the rest of the staff the night off.

We have to be in total control of the evening.

Two for Swanson.

I'm sorry, we have nothing under that name, and we're all full. Oh, I...

Uh, actually, I think a table just opened up.

Right this way.

What the hell? Sorry, I choked.

Hi. We're the Hollender rehearsal dinner.

There are 46 of us.

Uh, Stewie, before you gave the staff the night off, did you check the reservation book?

I did not.

And to remind you, 24 of us selected the salmon, 16 the filet, and six vegetarian.

One vegan.

Five vegetarian, one vegan.

What do we do? Just keep giving them crayons until we figure it out.

More appetizer?

No, thanks.

Cauliflower gives me the scoots.

Chris, there's something your father and I want to talk to you about.

Uh, Chris? Ch-Chris?

Sorry, I only answer to "Chrissie" now.

Fine. Chrissie? Yeah, Ma?

Can you stop lifting your rusty weights while we talk to you?

Chris, we're worried about you and your new friends.

Pa, don't worry about it.

"Don't worry about it."

Okay. No, Peter, it's not okay.

Chris, we don't want you in the Mafia.

Hey, I'm in waste management.

Chris, you need to be back in high school where you belong.

But Principal Shepherd won't let you back in, and we don't know what to do.

What do I need school for? Tony Danza never went to school, and he played a guy named Tony on four different TV shows.

Lois, let me handle this.

Chris, I'm gonna say this in a way an Italian mechanic would understand.

You're breaking your mother's heart!

Ma! Why didn't you say so, Ma?!

I'll take care of it.

What have you got there?

A guy letting me back into school says what?

What? Damn it! Okay, see you on Monday.

Oh, God. What? What is it?

The Hollender rehearsal dinner review on Yelp.

"Undercooked and underwhelmed.

Argumentative staff."

I thought chicken sushi was wildly inventive.

So, Meg, how was your night out with your boyfriend?

Actually, we broke up. Aw.

Aw, Meg, I'm so sorry.

Well, I guess some people are just meant to be alone, you know?

They're so broken inside.

They're just not worth it.

Don't say that, Meg. You're totally worth it.

I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about Kevin.

He's a psycho. I dumped his ass.

So... you're okay with it?

Yeah, it actually felt great to be empowered for once.

Good night, guys.

You know what, Brian, we actually did make Meg's life a little bit better.

She got to dump someone.

Well, you know what the real lesson is here, Stewie.

Brian, I'm being told the show is running long.

We've got to speed this up. Oh, that's okay.

I'm sure they can fix it in editing. What I was saying...

Because it's all about family and...

In love. You see, the thing is...

Love you, Brian. Tractor guy now! Who wants a ri...

So, Chris, how was your first day back at school?

It was fine. I'll miss the guys at vocational school, but it is nice to be back where I belong.

I'll get it.

That's him.

That's the one who popped me.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.

Did I not sound sure?