Family Guy S17E9 Script

Pawtucket Pete (2018)

Webster's defines "class" as "a group of students gathered at a pre-ordained time for the purposes of education."

Angela pretty much epitomized class.

Who could turn the world on with her smile? Angela.

Who could take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Angela.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way.


Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.



I'm sorry. Death is hard for me.

But at least Angela died doing what she loved: swimming less than 20 minutes after she had eaten.

That's a real thing, kids. Listen to your mothers.

That was Angela. Fearless. Spontaneous.

Honest, about herself just as much as she was about the world around her.

She had grace, courage, and an unmatched zest for life.

She may be gone, but her voice will live on in DVD and Hulu Plus and tiny droid-projected messages.

I may have lost a boss, but heaven has gained a princess.

And I am at the wrong funeral.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Any idea what this meeting is about?

Oh, we're getting a new boss? Oh, I hope it's Hugo Boss.

Then we'll all look snazzy.

Tonight's episode of Family Guy is brought to you by Hugo Boss.

Look for us in the low-trafficked corner of Macy's between Eddie Bauer and the never-bought male jewelry.

Attention, everyone! Do not adjust your TV sets.

We are an interracial couple.

I'd like to introduce myself.

My name is Bert and this is my lovely wife Sheila.

Two sets of disappointed parents right there.

Well, only her parents. Aah!

Now that Angela's no longer with us, we will be your new bosses.

We're splitting the job because one of the shareholders' favorite songs was "Ebony and Ivory," so here we are.

Now we know it's difficult to remember two new names, so to make things easier, you can call us "Beila." Or "Shert."

Boy, I bet you she's a handful in the bedroom.

Two handfuls, baby.

Damn it, I went all the way around the room!

Now, some of you may find the idea of two bosses unconventional, but...

We assure you nothing will be different.

And our door will always be open to you any time of day.

And there is no issue too big or too small.

Nice to meet all of you.

So, as our mascot Pawtucket Pat says, "All ye Federalists, imbibe!"

It means, "Everybody, drink."


Two bosses? This sucks.

Well, at least it beats being home with my wife.


Aah! When did we cut back home?

Hey, Peter. All right, Sheila, let's do it right here on the desk while Bert watches.

No, Peter, that's not what this is.

Sorry, I-I thought I was picking up on a vibe.

So, Peter, we've been tasked with making the operations around here run more efficiently, and part of that will involve reassigning people based on their abilities.

We want you to be the office recyclables guy.

So we're gonna put a flag on you, and wherever you go, people will know that's where they put their recyclables.

Please don't just throw them over.

Well, at least make sure all the liquids are gone, please, before you throw them.

Smithers, who is that young go-getter?

That's a character from another show, sir.

Simpson, you say? Pretty much, sir. mu

We now return to Titanic 2, narrated by Al Gore.

Iceberg, right ahead!

But due to man's excessive use of fossil fuels, climate change had rendered the iceberg nothing more than a small cube.

Peter, why are you wearing a flag?

Eh, it's part of my job now 'cause of my new bosses.

Uh, is it a promotion?

Because it doesn't look like a promotion.

No, it looks like an old lady's Rascal.

Aah! So, who are these new bosses?

Their names are Bert and Sheila. My job sucks now.

It's worse than when I was a dinosaur walker.

Hey! What?

Pick that up! Pick what up?

That! That? That was there.

No, you were looking at your phone.

No, I wasn't. Yes, you were.

Sir, this is a neighborhood where we respect the rules of society.

Ooh! Society now. Sir Thomas More up here.

Good for you and your neighborhood.

I'm gonna take a picture of you and post it on Facebook.

Oh, great! I hope it gets a lot of likes.

You know what? I forgot my bag.

Ooh, you forgot your bag? Yeah, I forgot my bag.

But I'll be sure to come back and pick this up. Oh, yes, I'm sure you'll be back.

Look, I'm only here to create an amusing comparison to my current job... Well, bully for you.

Which I am, at this moment, describing to my family in my living room.

So, technically, you don't even exist.

Well, how do you know I wasn't telling my wife a story and you're a figment of my imagination?

I-I can assure you that is not the case.

We'll be right back with more Greg in the Window.

Well, I'll be.


Greg in the Window, brought to you by never-bought male jewelry.

Okay, Peter, we've got something else for you.

We need you to taste test our new varieties of seasonal beers, which will be coming down this conveyor belt.

Place those on this tray.

All right, that seems easy enough.

Also, our delivery truck drivers have to pass an annual drug test, so we'll need you to collect their urine samples.

They'll be coming down this same conveyor belt in similarly colored cups, which you will need to place on this tray.

Well, that doesn't seem like a...

Belt activated.

Uh, showtime.

Pumpkin, not bad.

Ugh, trucker pee.

Belt speed increasing.

Oh, boy.

Apple cinnamon, not bad.

Pee laced with meth.

Winter wheat. Lady trucker pee.

Belt speed maximum.

Ah, crap! Trucker. Trucker.

Oktoberfest. Trucker.

Amber squash, yuck. Trucker. Trucker.

And let's hope this one was an Asparagus IPA.

Too bad about the latest sales numbers, huh?

I don't talk to anyone standing at a urinal.

Too bad about the latest sales numbers, huh?

Thanks for waiting.

You know, our testing came back and shows we're losing market share.

Apparently, nobody can relate to our mascot Pawtucket Pat.

Are you guys talking about work in there?

Oh, yes, come on in, honey. We've put our wangs away.

Did you tell him about our testing?

Yeah, our customers find a 300-year-old mascot hard to relate to, they want a regular guy.

You know, a-a guy who'd drink a beer on a toilet.



It is you, Peter.

What are you doing?

Playing a game on my phone and having a beer.

And, God willing, going to the bathroom.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

He must be (BLEEP) on his shirt tail?

Ew, yes, but also, that's exactly the kind of customer we should be appealing to.

I think we found our new mascot. Are you in, Peter?

May I have a moment to talk it over with my mentor?


I'm in.

No. We did it.

Wow, Peter, so you're really replacing Pawtucket Pat as the new mascot? Yup, I'm the new Pawtucket Pat.

Hey, now you and Jared from Subway have two things in common.

No! No, that's not true, Meg! It's not true!

Peter, Peter, she's garbage. She's garbage.

Let it go. You're the king. Yeah, garbage, yeah.

Anyway, turn on the TV.

They're about to play my first commercial.

Pawtucket Patriot: the perfect beer for New England beaches.

Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out today's ceremonial first pitch, the face of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery, Pawtucket Pat!

Aah! Please kill me!

Still buy the beer, though.

And now, a five-hour baseball game.

Hey, guys, I'm Billy on the Street, and I'm here with one of the biggest mascots in America right now. Popular, he means. Not large.

Let me do my intro!

Okay, we're gonna go up to people and give a dollar to everyone who recognizes you. Let's go.

Sir, sir, sir, for a dollar, do you know who this is?

No. Oh, come on, he's in a new commercial.

I don't even own a TV.

Oh, you don't own a TV? I'm very impressed! Let's go!

Sir, sir, quick, tell me.

Who is this man? Uh...

Adweek magazine called him the Pitchman of the Year.

Who doesn't read Adweek?!

There's, uh, there's more running than I thought there'd be.

Oh, is he Jerry Ferrara? Jerry Ferrara?

You mean Turtle from Entourage? You're the worst!

Even worse than the Entourage movie!

Mark Wahlberg is one of our finest producers!

I-I don't, uh, I-I don't feel comfortable doing this.

He was just getting a cup of coffee with his daughter.

They should know you! Hey, you're Pawtucket Pat.

Yes, thank you! He's Pawtucket Pat!

Not that I watch this show.

I watch Black Mirror and The Goldbergs, and that's it!

Wow, can I get a picture with you?

No! What's his problem?

Between you and me, I think he may need a lady friend.

Peter, I'm famously gay!

Oh, my God, he ran around the world.

Hey, so how's the whole Pawtucket Pat thing going?

Aw, it's the best.

Everywhere I go, people recognize me and love me.

And the other day, I even got to hang out with a bunch of other famous mascots.

So, you, uh, you really make all those cookies in that tree?

They're great! Like, the tree is wood.

Like, how does the tree not catch on fire?

Hey, you want to cool it with that drumming?

Anyway, do you have to water your house?

'Cause I would think that... They're great!

You know what, let's just forget the conversation and just pose for the picture.

By the way, Tony, I'm sorry your wife was shot by Donald Trump's children.

Hi, Peter. It's me, Sheila, and me, Bert.

Here's a dollar! Stop talking like that!

Sorry about him. We ruined people's days in New York earlier.

We came by to share some great news.

That's right. Your character's so popular, you're gonna have a balloon in the annual Quahog Parade!

No way. That's awesome! Said no one ever.

Ah. Yes. I've seen that on the Internet.

Uh, who is this?

Oh, that's-that's my dog, Brian.

You have a dog that makes jokes and drinks beer?

Not just any beer.

Pawtucket Patriot Truckers Blend.

Ah, I approved that. Oh, this is just what we need.

You guys are great together. What are you talking about?

Well, think about it, Peter. The public loves Pawtucket Pat.

Imagine how much they'd love to know he has a funny sidekick dog who drinks with him.

Wow, that could be really cool. What do you say, Brian?

You're saying you need a mascot's sidekick?

Hold my beer.

Uhp, that's also from the Internet.

Hi, I'm Bert of Bert and Sheila.

And I'm Sheila.

All right. Now, before we bring out Daughtry...

Hurry it up! Some of us came for Daughtry!

It's our pleasure to introduce Pawtucket Pat and his new sidekick Hops McElaney, the Alcoholic Dog. Come on, y'all!

Say, Brian... "Hops."

Hops. Yes, Peter?

"Pat." Pat.

What were you doing up on the roof last night?

Well, Peter... "Pat."

Pat. I was up on the roof because you told me drinks were on the house.

Nice one, Brian.

"Hops." Hops.

Let's hear more from the dog!

Hops! Hops! Hops!

And Daughtry!

I'm sorry, sir, you can't park here.

This spot is reserved for the brewery mascot.

Yeah, I am the brewery mascot.

No, you're the brewery mascot's sidekick.

What the hell? I'm the sidekick?

Aw, my life can't get any worse.

Hey, at least you're not getting attacked by a goose for no reason.

Hey, you got bread, bro? Give me that bread, bro.

Come on, bro. Bro.

Help me, Officer Goosefear!

Guys, from now on, I need to stand this up in the middle of your table.

Pawww yeah!

'Cause he's a dog.

Man, I hate being a sidekick to this stupid dog.

Yeah, I can imagine, Peter. I doubt you can, Quagmire.

None of you can.

Well, I think I understand... I'm talking, Glenn.

I doubt any of you can begin to know what it's like to ride someone's coattails, to play second fiddle to some fat idiot, to constantly be setting up someone else's...

It's The Joe Show Starring Joe Doing all sorts of Joe things Not your average Joe, and also he can walk.

Just a footnote to someone else's narrative.

I tell you, this sucks worse than being a monkey at Coachella.

Dude, it sucks this year. There's no good bands.

There's Bananarama. There's, like, one good band.

Hey, Brian, you want to go to the park?

The public park?

Uh, no, I don't think that'd be a good idea.

Because of Beaglemania.

What? My fame.

That's what they're calling it. Who's calling it Beaglemania?

Well, you just did. Catching on.

Well, leave it to you to ruin it.

Just like Dasani ruined water.

Hey, guys, so you know how water tastes like nothing?

Well, what if it tasted like every bottle had a nickel in it?

I want you to sign my chest.

And I want to hawk a loogie in your face.

I want you to sign my ass.

And I want to hawk a loogie in your face.

I want you to autograph my stomach.

Okay, fine, but do me a favor: don't spit on my friend.

Hey, Brian?

Why don't you mind your own (BLEEP) business?

Oh, God, again with this Beaglemania?

Where'd you get those T-shirts? From Brian.

He says it's really catching on.

Well, it isn't. It's a joke. It's no joke for him, Dad.

He even recorded The Bite Album.

K-nine. K-nine.

K-nine. K-nine. K-nine.

K-nine. K-nine.

Coming up, uncomfortable pause as anchor throws to reporter in the field.

But first, hey, hungover dads, want to go to a parade?

Does that sound like fun on a Sunday morning?

Not just being worried about your kids, but everyone else's kids around you, too?

For more, here's Tricia Takanawa.

Apparently we've lost Tricia...

Tom, I'm standing here outside some public toilets where dads who are really hurting will be vomiting in front of their still-developing children.

The parade is tomorrow, but already the giant balloons are being inflated including two newcomers this year:

Pepe, the alt-right frog, and Hops the Dog, the beloved beer pitchman.

Aw, man. Brian gets his own balloon?

This can't get any worse.

In fact, Hops is so popular that hundreds of Quahog women have volunteered to blow up his balloon.

Aw, that's the cashier at the CVS I like.

And here comes the marching band, led by baton twirler Jane Duncan, whose aunt is famously-thin actress Bebe Neuwirth.

Jane lists her hobbies as baton twirling and trying to contact her aunt.

And, look, is that the beer mascot you've all been waiting for?

That's right, it's Hops the Dog.

Stupid Brian. Can't even wave to the crowd right.

Hi! Thanks for coming out. Hi!

Hops! Hops! Hops!

Where's Dad? He's missing this.

Say good-bye, Hops.

Excuse me, sir?

Are you a guest of the hotel?

I-I, uh... I'm-I'm just here for an event.

Oh, are you part of Sarah's bridal brunch?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Can't-can't believe she's heading down the aisle.

Well, they're making speeches in the Santa Fe Lounge.

If you hurry, you can still get yours in.

Well, Sarah, another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.

Who is he again?

I think he's that guy from the funeral.

You know, part of me is glad Sarah met Henry, because she and I had a pact that if neither of us was married by 40, we'd get hitched.

And I think you all know how that would have gone.

Everybody, get down!

So, to Sarah and Henry.

May they have a long and happy marriage.

Tom, I'm standing here along the parade route where the Hops balloon has just been punctured, and is now raining helium Down on the crowd, creating chaos and wreaking havoc.

We have an active shooter!

I repeat, we have an active shooter!

I can't stress the seriousness of this situation enough!

This is a disaster!

Brian, you're fired.

What do you mean? This isn't my fault.

I'm never drinking this beer again.

My voice is impervious to helium.

What a mess, huh?

Hey, Peter, sorry all that fame went to my head.

And I'm sorry I shot your balloon.

How'd you get out of jail so fast?

And I'm sorry II took a hostage...

It's an ongoing situation.

Honey, close that window and come to bed.

In a minute. Greg Mitchell, sometimes I feel like I married you and that window.

The two of you are more similar than you think.

And how's that?

Well, for one thing, you're both a real pane.