Family Guy S18E1 Script

Yacht Rocky (2019)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy.


So what's the big emergency?

Why did everyone have to come in on a Monday?

I'm afraid we have troubling news.

Due to budget cuts, we'll be laying off one employee.


The Internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.

So, is Derek Jeter safe? Safe!

What? He's half black.

What? What do you need, glasses? No, I don't need glasses.

He's white by a mile. He tucks...

You're the one who needs glasses.

And what happened to this kind of coach-umpire confrontation?

I know, I miss it, too. It used to happen a lot in the '70s but doesn't seem to happen that much anymore. to a bygone era when men settled their differences I agree. That's what we're doing now.

Thrusting their chests into one another.

I miss having a guy yell in my mouth.

And while we're talking about stuff, I've never cleaned my ice trays.

Oh, you have to do that. Why do I have to?

You're poisoning your family. It's just water and water.

Carrying an ice tray from the freezer to the sink is like ringing the damn dinner bell for arm hairs. Come to think of it, but I don't remember seeing a few short hairs in my ice cubes Of course they're getting in there.

That I'm hoping were from my arm. Clean your trays.

Oh, cool off, Griffin. It is no big deal.

It's just that someone's getting fired in front of everybody tomorrow. Well, that sounds fine.

I guess I'll just see you... What?!

Old joke. You're out.

Old joke? I put my own twist on it. There was no twist.

Oh, you're crazy. It was a tip of the hat to my son.

If anything, it's a gift to our long-time viewers.

Merry Christmas. Here's a warmed-over turd from ten years ago.

Okay, I can do this.

No need to be nervous. Just show 'em that I'm good at my job.

That's it. Easy peasy.

(CHUCKLES): Hey there, PG.

Been a minute.

Hey, Ernie. I mean, I mean Cookie Monst... I mean Bert.

Bert. Sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Peter.

Just do what you would normally do.

Pretend I'm not here.

Oh, pretend you're not here? All right.

God, that Bert is an idiot.

What a pud.

But I wouldn't mind getting to know that Sheila a little better.

She's got a great dumper.

And by dumper, I mean fecal thoroughfare.

(PHONE RINGING) Should I...?

Yeah, answer it.

Could be important for the company.



Ah, shoot. Opposite of that, yeah?

Let's roll to the break room, Peter.

We're ready to announce who's getting fired.

Oh, sure, if Sheila and her wastemaker are gonna be there.

Please stop talking about my wife's anal processes.

Opie, will you accept this stein?


Bachelor Nick? Why are you here?

They make me come to all these things.

Cool. How's Vanessa?

We broke up. Aw.

I would murder my family for one hour with Corinne.

Eh, she was a little young.

You know how stupid you sound?

Peter, take a step forward.

I-I'm sorry. I-I keep messing up.

You're seeing me at my worst. I'm very nervous.


My life is flashing before my eyes.

And for some reason, it's all just the sort of gay moments.

Excuse me, is someone sitting here?

Yes. My lover, Tom.


Oh, Peter! I'm so happy you're okay.

Whoa, you're alive?

What happened? Did I have a heart attack?

No, you had a panic attack.

Or, in medical terms, "a heart attack for wussies."

Hey, we have a bet going.

Do you remember if you put your wrist to your forehead like a nancy-boy when you fainted?

I choose not to answer.

Peter, you need to get your stress under control.

I'm texting you a link to a collection of songs called yacht rock.

Any time I'm feeling stressed, I play this music, and it really mellows me out.

I think it'll work for you. Well, what is that? Is that like...

(ANGRY): ♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. No, no, it's more like...

(MELLOW): ♪ Ia, da, da, da, da

Da, da, da, da, da. Oh, good. It's... ♪ Ia, da, da, da, da

Da, da, da, da. ♪ 'Cause I don't like that.

(ANGRY): ♪ Da, da, da, ba, ba, ba. No, I assure you, it's... ♪ Ia, da, da, da

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more music to prescribe to sick patients.

So, Peter, you feeling better? Yeah, I guess.

The doctor just said I'm too stressed out.

Did the doctor give you anything to help, you know, mellow you out?

¿Los drogas?

No, he just gave me this link for something called yacht rock.


This one's called "Summer Breeze," and it makes me feel fine.

This music... I...

I feel like I'm dirty dancing with a sunset.

Uh, guys, there's a yacht rock cruise that leaves from the Quahog Marina tomorrow.

And I'm not even kidding.

You know what, guys? We haven't gone anywhere in a long time.

So, let's do it.

Cleveland, buy those tickets, 'cause the guys are going on a yacht rock cruise.

Yeah! Awesome!

Peter? Is that you?

Do I know you? I-It's me. Lyle?

From the other side of the aquarium?

I-I... I don't... I don't know you.

I-I don't... I don't know what you're talking about.

But I did know what he was talking about.

I spent the next two and a half years cruising various aquariums.

I never did find Lyle.

Also, I didn't quite clear the table.

I got to say, Peter, I had reservations about this cruise, but you do seem more relaxed.

Hey, good thing I had reservations on this cruise, huh?

(CHUCKLES) I don't mind dad jokes.

Everyone's included.

Looks like mine won't be the only tail I'll be chasing this week.

-(GRUNTS) Hey. What the... All dogs have to be crated below deck.


Stewie, help!

I knew this was a possibility, so I put a 1982 Mattel Electronic Baseball game in your bag.

Okay, that's something.

The battery might be a little old, though.



Peter, you brought your family?

This was supposed to be a guys' trip.

Please don't tell Donna. Please don't tell Bonnie.

She hasn't been on a vacation... She'll kill me if...

Please, Lois, please. Please, Lois.

Promise me. Here, look, Promise me first.

I'm putting money Here's my gun. Do you want it?

In your purse. I-I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

I'm sending a selfie to Bonnie and Donna.

Cruise, bitches.

Don't hit send, please don't hit send. Please don't hit send.

And... send.


You son of a bitch.

I told you. What did he do now?

He don't listen to you.

He don't listen to you.


What is it, Bonnie?

Nothing, Father Monaghan.

Well, this sucks now. Our whole trip's ruined, thanks to you, Peter.

Thank God Bonnie's got Father Monaghan for spiritual counsel.

Well, it's not my fault you guys are too stupid to understand what the plan was.

The plan was clear. You're the stupid one.


Sailing takes me away... What were we fighting about? I don't know.

My cares have all suddenly melted away.

Are my toes tapping? I feel like my toes are tapping.

Nah, there's a seagull pecking at your foot.


Whenever I wear my Tevas, my toes are up for grabs.

Hey, Cleveland, this is us.

You guys got to stop by later.

Snuck on a little of this action.

What? You guys are sharing a room?

You're adults. I'm not paying full price for a room.

Have some self-respect. You're 40.

(SCOFFS) It's not like we're gonna be in there much.

Too busy scoping trim.

I may bail to the room to catch a nap.

Right behind you, roomie.

After we wake, we gonna fire up that Keurig.

Oh, yeah, that's why I brought along a couple of these babies.

Wait, there's only one bed.

I know. We're going head to toe.

Say hello to your pillow.

Hi there, do you know if singer and songwriter Bob Welch is on board yet?

He's not, because he died in 2012.


Can you give me a moment?

Sentimental gentle wind

Blowing through my life again... I can't believe Bob Welch is really gone.

Gentle one... Hey... we just heard about Bob Welch.

Blowing through my life again... Yeah.

Who the (BLEEP) is Bob Welch?



Okay, for the first game, I choose Alan Parsons as my teammate, but not The Project.

I want nothing to do with them.

We'll play Joe and Loggins.

Thanks for picking me, Peter. No problem.

"Crosby, Stills, Nash" to see who goes first?

BOTH: Crosby, Stills, Nash, shoot.

Nash. I win. No, Crosby eats Nash.

Stills snorts Crosby. What does Nash do?

Nash smokes Stills.

So, Kenny, "Footloose."

Not really a song for everyone.

Well, maybe you'd prefer my song in Caddyshack, "I'm Alright."

Wh-What, do you think I'm stupid because I'm in a chair?

I'll pull the tape, guy.

The gopher sang that song.

This is so exciting. What do you want to do tonight?

What if we just go see a movie?

We can see a movie at home. We need to go out.

Shake things up.

We're here to experience new things, be other people.


How much wine have you had tonight?

Maybe we could hang out with that nice couple we met the other day. The Federmans?

Why do you always want to hang out with other people when we're on vacation?

It's just nice to meet new people.

Right, because I'm so interested in the medical supply business.

Why do you always do that? Do what?

Diminish people.

Oh, that's why.

Well, I feel like this has become a referendum on me, and I don't appreciate it.

Did you pack my dandruff shampoo?


Then I guess this black shirt is out.

You just want to hang out with Doug Federman.

What? That's... that's the wine talking.

What does Doug Federman have that I don't?

A job. (GRUNTS)

I'm going to watch the magic show in the Cognac Club.

Why, because there's a two-drink minimum?

Oh, you shut up!

(APPLAUSE) Thank you.

For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer.

How about you, sir? No, I don't want to!

I don't want to do it.

BOTH: Bell, Biv, DeVoe, shoot.

(LAUGHS) Gotcha. What do you mean?

I win. Bell bivs DeVoe.

Dude, you can't "biv" someone. Biv's a guy.

Everybody on this cruise is boring.

CHAD: I can show you where there's a whole pile of those.

Cigarette butts?

Yeah. The wind blows them all to this one spot.

It's right by where the seagulls crap.

It's my job to clean it up. That's how I know about it.

You must know a lot about crap.

You're not from here, are you?

From the cruise? No. I'm from a town.

You want to mess around on some damp towels next to where the seagulls crap?

It wasn't seagulls.

I got locked out of my room earlier.


Why is your poop white? I don't know.

I've been dealing with fecal albinism my whole life.

All I want to do in the middle of the evening

Is hold you tight

Rosanna, Rosanna

I didn't know you were looking for more than

I could ever be... Hey, what are you guys up to?

We're making a food spread in room 103.

Come on by.

Grab some cocktail sauce on your way.

Oh, wait. Never mind.

Aah! Damn it.

We're watching Michael Clayton on DVD later. Be there.


By the way, I, uh, heard about Bob Welch.

I'm sorry.

Don't know what else to say. (EXHALES)

Sending good vibes. Yeah...

Can you give me a moment?

Sentimental gentle wind

Blowing through my life again

Sentimental Lady... Bob Welch? Bob Welch.

Hey, aren't you the captain? Yes.

Well, if you're here, who's driving the boat?

Oh, my God!


Wow, I've never seen someone eat so many powdered Donettes in half an hour before.

Yeah, I was really hungry, and I didn't like what they had at dinner.

I think we may have solved your fecal albinism.

I love you, Meg.

Oh, my God, no one's ever told me that before.

This is the best night of my li...




(CHUCKLES) Listen to all those idiots fall.

Honey, don't revel in it. Hey, I need this.

I just found out Bob Welch died.

Sentimental gentle wind

Blowing... Aah! What are we gonna do? I don't know.

And, look, Oates is hanging on to Hall for dear life.


What else is new? He's been doing that for 40 years.

Ha, ha. Yeah, make fun of more people more successful than you.

He's a millionaire.

You're nothing.


Oh, thank God we're all okay.

Looks like Oates wasn't so lucky.


Guys, it's me, Kenny Loggins.

First of all, I'm all right.

Don't nobody worry about me.

JOE: Gopher!

This boat has flipped over. We need to get up to the hull.

There's a spot in the propeller room where the hull's only an inch thick.

Maybe we can try to cut our way out...



MEG: Hey, you sons of bitches!

This is Chad!

He's my boyfriend. We love each other.

We said it and everything.


A little help?














Guys, we got to get out of here.

You're alive. And well.

We got to get out of here. The water levels are rising fast.

I'll just grab an apple real quick.

Granny Smith? What, do you got a oven in your mouth?

Huh? Pie apple. It's a pie apple.

I like a good Red Delicious.

Oh, does your mouth have a lid on it?

What are you talking about?

That's a garbage apple. May as well eat a Honeycrisp.

What's wrong with that one? Science apple.

Made in a lab with test tubes and beakers.

Well, what apples do you like?

Fuji for eating, crab for huckin'.

That's a prankster's apple.

Gosh, Cleveland, I had no idea you knew so much about apples.

Hmm. Did you ever ask? No, I guess I didn't.


(GRUNTING) I can't open it!

There's too much water pushing from the other side!

So we're stuck?

Yeah, unless we can somehow tip the boat.

Maybe we can. What are you talking about, Michael McDonald?

The timbre in my voice

Allows me to communicate with whales.

Maybe they can help.



Oh, we... oh, we found him.

(BLEEP)! You guys left me down there to drown.

Technically, we left you up there to drown.

The boat flipped. You know what you did.

I think the only way to teach you a lesson is to dog-shake and get you all wet.

No, Brian, don't! I'm doing it.


All right, we're even.


Well, we found the thinnest part of the hull, but it's still an inch thick.

Yeah, of steel. How are we supposed to get through that?



Man, that was crazy.

I'm Casey Kasem.

Coming in at number seven on the countdown, that was Peter Griffin with "Yacht Rocky," down three spots.

Now for our number six.

CHORUS: ♪ Number six. We'll start with a letter from Melanie in Kansas.

She writes, "Dear Casey, "is Christopher Cross as nice as he seems?

"Also, aren't you dead?

"And why did your large wife

"hide your body from your children?"

Well, the answer to your first question is a resounding yes.

Christopher Cross is a perfect gentleman.

And as for the second question, you're correct, Melanie.

I'm extremely dead, and I do wish my children could have closure.

Honey, if you're listening, please, just put my body in the ground.

And now back to the countdown.