Family Guy S18E11 Script

Short Cuts (2020)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.

"It's a they."

Good for they.

I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish.

(LAUGHING): But he doesn't speak Spanish.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Oh-ho-ho-ho, he's not gonna know what it says.

Oh, you're bad. I know.

I think I've earned whatever misshapen Reese's product is by the cashier.

Oh, my God, Brian, look... A Fairuza Balk movie.

Huh, no way. Remember last week when I said, "I wonder whatever happened to Fairuza Balk"?

I do. And now this.

The world's crazy.

This looks terrible.

You need to get out of here, Brian.

The urine-soaked hairs on the end of your penis are very off-putting to the other customers.

That's not urine, that's saliva.

Go on, scoot, get out of here!

Or I'll do the clichéd pharmacy price check jokes.

You wouldn't dare.

(OVER P.A.): Yes, I need a price check on extra-small condoms.

WOMAN: (LAUGHS) That's the last thing he'd want announced.

(LAUGHING): Oh, my...

(BOTH GRUNT)

Can you believe he threw us out? That's discrimination.

It's just like what happened to those blacks at that Starbucks.

"Those blacks"?

Discrimination is a scourge, Stewie.

It just makes me so angry.

Well, then do something about it.

You know what?

I will.

I'm gonna throw a rock at his window.

Oh, hey, Karmann Ghia. I like those.

All right, here we go.

(GRUNTS)

Thank you, Brian. That was the last Munich gunman.

You're a hero.

A hero?

I-I guess I am a hero.

Oh, nice! Wonderful! Great!

Way to go. Way to go, doggy!

We are gonna throw you the craziest party.

Do we have a hot two-liter of closet Pepsi?

We do, and I can bring Planters peanuts that were opened a dozen years ago.

Perfect. And I have half a graduation cake we just have to let thaw.

(TO TUNE OF "HAVA NAGILA"): ♪ Party, a Jewish party

With lots of old food

In a poorly lit room, oy!

Oh, my God, Peter, look at this.

She actually wore this to an awards ceremony.

Huh? Oh, yeah, crazy.

(GASPS) Unreal. Peter, look, look.

Peter, look, Peter.

(SIGHS) Flats.

Hmm? Flats!

Mm.

Look at this picture of Shailene Woodley.

She's so talented and overrated and weird.

I love her. Isn't her haircut cute?

Maybe I'll get my hair cut short, too.

Wha... N-No. No way.

I forbid it. (CHUCKLES): What?

You can't forbid that. Yes, I can.

That's the one thing men are allowed to control about women.

That and your uterus and how much money you make and also everything else.

Peter, that's stupid. It's a fact, Lois.

The only woman that's ever looked good with short hair is Halle Berry's boobs.

Establishing shot.

Peter, you can't... Establishing shot!

We're here with local hero Brian Griffin, who recently foiled a robbery at Goldman's Pharmacy, which by the way, is getting its ass kicked by the CVS across the street.

Welcome, Brian.

So, what does it feel like to be a hero?

Well, let me say that even though I am a hero, you don't have to call me one.

I'm very comfortable with "first responder" or, if you like, "veteran."

So brave.

How has this incident changed your life?

It hasn't. I'm still the same humble public servant I've always been.

But there are perks.

This morning, I was honored by a local business.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Thank you, Brian.

And to show our appreciation, you get the first meal at Quahog's newest Sizzler location!

Oh. No.

(CHUCKLES): No, no, no, no, no, no.

No. That's fair.

Can you at least read what's on this card?

Sure.

"Sizzler: the worst version of your favorite meal."

So, what's next for you, Brian?

Well, I'll be at Barnes & Noble this afternoon signing copies of Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.

Well, congratulations, Brian, and thank you for your service.

Coming up, I get all anxious and weird when the new good-looking intern brings me my coffee.

And here's Jeremy with my go-go juice.

Ha-ha.

-(PHONE DINGS) -Man, my phone's been blowing up since that interview.

You should hear some of my voice mails.

MAN: Hello, Brian.

This is Barack Obama, not the hobo who lives at the wharf.

Um, you did a good job and...

I-I can't read that.

BRIAN: "I'm proud of you."

MAN: I'm proud of you.

Thanks for the two dollars.

(GASPS) No way!

Let's hear the next message.

MAN 2: Hey, Brian, it's, uh... well, it's Shredder.

Remember me?

I know it's been a while, but I saw you on TV and I'm just hoping we could get together.

I'd love to catch up.

So, uh, uh, call me back.

Oh, my God! "Shredder"?

He sounds like a ski instructor with a full beard who plays average guitar and never texts me back.

He's a dog I used to run with back when I was living on the street.

Haven't heard from him in years.

I'm actually surprised he's still alive.

He just drank all the time and tried to get laid.

Hard to be friends with someone like that.

Yes, it is.

You gonna see him? (PHONE DINGS)

If I have time.

Wow, The Rock!

Boy, they're coming out of the woodwork today.

You're angling your phone so I can't see it.

"Dwayne Johnson."

Only his friends know that's his real name.

Still can't see it. I'll call him back later.

Ow!

Excuse me, sir, but this is a private residence.

Peter, it's me.

I got my hair cut. Isn't it fun?

What? No, Lois, it's not fun.

You look like Anne Hathaway in Les Misera...

Don't you ever compare me to (BLEEP) Anne Hathaway.

Ever! You're right, you're right.

I'm-I'm sorry.

With my boobs and your hair, everybody's gonna think we're a lesbian couple.

Why'd he want to meet in the park?

We used to live here. I'm assuming he still does.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Brian, ha!

So good to see you.

Wha... Shredder?

Is it really you?

It's really me.

I-I don't... What is all this?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, sorry about meeting in the park.

It's the only place I can land this thing.

Uh, Shredder, I think you pinned Tom Cruise under your helicopter.

I was hanging on. I do all my own stunts.

I can't stop doing stunts.

My whole life is a stunt.

Yeah, yeah, we know.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, you want to take a personality test?

Same answer as always: no, thank you.

I'm not gonna stop asking.

I know. Good to see you, Stewie.

Good to see you, Tiny Tom Cruise.

Thank you. He likes to have the last word.

Be well!

See? Bye!

♪ ♪

Shredder, I-I can't get my head around all this.

Eh, it took me a while, too, believe me.

And I go by George Townshend now.

Oh, okay, George.

George Townshend.

You-you want me to say both? I do.

You know how Beyoncé does the one-name thing?

I do a two-name thing. It's one more than Beyoncé.

Why don't you take her name out of your filthy whore mouth.

Wow! How'd you get all this?

I worked my ass off.

I'm a tech entrepreneur, I've written 11 best-selling books, and I was the NBC executive who suggested we assault the nation with Chicago-themed programming.

I hear they're working on Chicago Seinfeld.

What's the deal with the South Side of this town?

Don't say it, Kramer.

♪ ♪

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

So, Brian, do you want to know how I did all this?

I really do.

I got neutered.

(INHALES SHARPLY THROUGH TEETH)

But why?

Getting neutered eliminated all distractions and allowed me to focus solely on my work.

Sometimes you have to literally cut out the things that hold you back.

Man, with no distractions, I could just spend all day in here reading.

I love that book Charles Dickens by David Copperfield.

Writing was his real magic.

I just don't understand.

One minute, I got a hot ginger wife, and the next I'm married to Ron Weasley.

Donna wears a wig, so I've never even seen her real hair.

But I would imagine it looks like an old, faded sweater that needs to be de-pilled.

I haven't touched Bonnie's hair in years.

It's way high up there.

Well, since Lois did something to her appearance that you don't like, you should do something to your appearance that she doesn't like.

Quagmire, that is pathetically shallow and vindictive.

I love it!

I'm gonna make myself harder to ignore than an amateur photographer.

Okay, this is hilarious.

So I'm sitting in my office at work when the fire alarm goes off...

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Um, what-what, what was I saying?

Fire alarm.

Right, right, right, okay. This is so funny.

So, the fire alarm goes off...

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Hey, hey, friend?

Friend? Friend?

Can-can you just... n-not-not right now?

Now, where was I?

Fire alarm at work. Oh, right.

You know what? Just forget it.

The punch line is it was 9/11.

Well, yeah, it's not funny now.

Scoot over, Stewie.

George Townshend was wrong, and I'm gonna prove it.

I don't need to get neutered to be productive.

I'm gonna write an inspirational book about my life, and I'm calling it The Holy Bri-ble.

Please don't. Here we go, blank page.

-(KNUCKLES CRACK) -World of possibilities.

And you're watching porn.

Oh, my God!

Two clicks and I instinctually went right to porn.

Maybe George Townshend was right.

Maybe I am easily distracted.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

It's okay to be easily distracted.

That's what's saved Warren Beatty and Annette Bening's marriage.

Annette, let's have sex.

Or you could watch Blue Bloods and have a pudding cup.

Hmm?

Mmm. Go get 'em, Blue Bloods.

Good evening, Lois.

Oh, my God, Peter, what the hell are you wearing?

Jeans.

Just jeans. You like it?

No. You look like you're going to a custody hearing in Florida.

Oh, really?

Because I think it's a "fun" look.

Just like your hair.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

Good. So we agree that your haircut is stupid.

What? No. I love my haircut.

Then I love this look.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna add this free Fandango golf visor I got when I snuck in to see I Feel Pretty.

(GROANS) Fine.

You want a war, Peter? Let's go to war.

Let's do it.

(GAVEL BANGS)

Tallahassee Family Court calls Peter Griffin.

Here, Your Honor.

Ho-ho, look who's all dressed up.

I just want Skylar back!

Tesla, Apple, SpaceX, Kendrick Lamar, drone technology, Hemingway.

Wow. That was the coolest phone call I've ever heard.

My life is pretty cool.

Brian, walk with me.

You know, I wish I could spend more time with you today, but I'm late for a video conference with

(SPANISH ACCENT): Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega.

Listen, I need to talk to you about something.

I was thinking about what you said the other day, and...

I think you might be right. About what?

I've always believed I was destined for a life like yours, but something was holding me back, and now I realize it was two things.

My balls are the things... No, I got it.

George Townshend, I want to get neutered.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

It's gonna be great.

I'll finally be able to beat that guy who fights dirty in my karate class.

Surprise.

Now take this.

Hiy...

(EXCLAIMING) You can't use a sword!

Sensei Dan, he's using a sword!

No swords, guys.

Brian, are you sure about getting neutered?

I am. You've seen everything George Townshend's accomplished.

That's the life I've always dreamed of.

Yes, but how much do you really know about him?

Have you read his books? Of course I've read his books.

They changed my life.

Look, Stewie, this is a huge step for me, and if you can't support me, well, then maybe I should cut you out of my life, too.

Brian, that's a closet.

I know. I have stuff to do in here.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Well, nothing left to do but binge-watch Ken Burns' History of Jazz. What?

KEITH DAVID (ON TV): The rhythmic drums of the Congo.

- 300 years later, Charlie Bird Parker. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

But how did we get there?

(BRIAN GROANS)

(BUSY CHATTER)

Lois, what are you doing here?

Did someone die? Do I get to go home early?

Well, Peter, since you were having that jeans fun, I thought it might be fun to come by and sell some of my homemade jewelry to your coworkers during lunch.

What? Lois, you can't do that.

Once a guy's wife sells something in the break room, no one ever looks at him the same.

Two years ago, Bentley's wife made him hang a sign-up sheet to sponsor her in an AIDS walk, and we've hated him ever since.

Don't look at me, Bentley.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Well, Peter, all you have to do is say you like my haircut, and I'll leave.

Never. Suit yourself.

Everyone, I'm Peter Griffin's wife.

I took a jewelry-making class last month with a group of preschool moms, and now I'm gonna do it as a career.

Hey, you want a half of my sandwich?

Oh. Yeah. Very cool, Bentley.

Who made this? My wife.

Oh, y-your wife with AIDS? She doesn't have AIDS.

She did a walk for people with AIDS.

But presumably there were people who had AIDS at the walk?

Yeah, but you can't get...

Yeah, it's a no on the sandwich, Bentley.

Greetings, Lois.

Oh, my God, Peter, you're gonna make me vomit.

I'm just getting in some 'cize.

That's what I call exercise now: 'Cize.

(RETCHES)

Oh, God, Peter, please put that thing in the garage and change your clothes.

Oh, I'd be happy to, Lois.

But I'm not doing it because you said.

I'm doing it because of the mean seventh graders who have been chucking footballs at me all day.

BOY: There he is! Let's get that fat dork!

I'm home! Home is safe!

(GRUNTS) Home is safe!

I see you found all of George Townshend's books.

That was fast.

Yep, got my own system.

I call it "The Stewie Decimal System."

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Stewie, you're gonna make me spit out my saltwater taffy.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God!

Brian's in trouble!

Stewie, I've got to have you around here more often.

Oh, I think you'll find me here... periodically.

There's homeless sperm on this.

Where are the glasses? I moved them.

What? Why?

I moved everything.

All the glasses, the bowls, the plates.

Nothing is where it's been for the past 17 years.

Nothing.

I'm gonna become a deejay.

I'm going to hire a life coach.

I'm gonna make one political donation with your e-mail address so you'll be screwed for life.

I'm going to rededicate my life to Christ.

Oh, that's really bad.

I'm gonna start a podcast that has no focus and it'll take up an inordinate amount of time.

I'm going to constantly complain about my fibromyalgia.

You don't have fibromyalgia. No one does!

Every time a waiter tells me their name, I'm gonna use it.

I'm gonna get really into Halloween, like, really into it!

Gross. I'm gonna wear a denim shirt with the Looney Tunes guys embroidered on it to church every Sunday.

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, Peter. Oh, Peter.

So, what do you think of my haircut now?

It's ugly. I hate it.

How you feeling, buddy? Good.

Nervous but strangely excited.

I haven't been totally honest with you.

I was never neutered.

But you're about to be.

What? No!

Save me, Sensei Dan!

No neutering, guys. (GRUNTING)

♪ ♪ Why are you doing this?

What did I do to you that was so bad?

You abandoned me.

You promised we'd be there for each other forever.

Then the minute Peter Griffin came along, you just got in his car and left me.

I was gonna come back and get you, and-and then, and then Trump happened and-and all that...

Liar!

I've wanted to cut your balls off for years, but the fact that you're choosing to do it yourself is so much more satisfying.

But I'm not choosing to do it myself.

I love my balls. (GAS HISSING)

They smell awful.

♪ ♪

(GASPS)

(SHOUTS)

Stay back!

Stewie. Y-You saved me.

Oh.

Well, almost. What is it?

Oh, my God, they got one!

Or you still have one.

Maybe you should be a scrotum half-full guy.

How did you know what he was doing?

I read his book.

"There is no greater motivation

"than the destruction of an enemy, "and my enemy is Brian Griffin.

"One day, I will convince him to cut off his own balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment."

You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them.

This is why you're nothing.

I'm sorry, okay?

Yes, I abandoned you.

And I didn't go back to find you.

I'm a bad friend, I admit it.

But did you ever think that you should be thanking me?

Thanking you? For what?

For everything you have.

Your hatred for me is what motivated you your whole life.

Without me, none of this would've been possible.

I made you.

You've already got one of my balls.

Isn't that enough?

You know what, Brian?

It is enough.

You'll probably keep it in a trophy case or something.

Oh, no. I ate it already.

Dogs are gross.

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Thank you, Stewie. You really saved me.

My pleasure, Brian.

Well, the good news is we can give you a prosthetic.

The bad news is it's one of the bells from a jester's hat.

There's no brain activity, so we're gonna harvest his bells.

We understand. (BELLS JINGLING)

Why did the king have to hit him so hard?!

So, anyone want to ask me about my week?

Kind of a big week for the Megster.

Big envelope in the mail.

Yep, early admittance.

Day one, August 26, clean slate.

Closing credits.

JOE (OUTSIDE): Congratulations on Bowdoin, Meg!

Closing credits! Oh, we're done?

(BELL JINGLING WITH FOOTSTEPS)