Family Guy S18E13 Script

Rich Old Stewie (2020)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶ ¶ It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

¶ ¶

Fart joke.

Sir, you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.

Thank you, shape-shifting valet.

Remember, sir, I can be any shape you wish.

Yeah, but you're already this, so...

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Beg your pardon.

Coming through.

Nice to see you.

Thank you for coming.

What if I told you you could accumulate all the wealth you'd ever want simply by learning the secrets of real estate?

Oop, wrong room.

And then what if you could use that wealth to turn yourself into a Broadway star?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen and 14 other genders we have now.

I'm Lane Bergan, the biggest star of May 2020 and on.

So, if you've only watched TV up until April of 2020, my name would be unfamiliar to you.

Lane Bergan?

What, did Brett Kingston say no?

When the Dwayne Johnson Center for Confusing Ethnicity approached me about hosting this night, I said it'd be an honor to bestow upon Stewart Gilligan Griffin our Lifetime Achievement Award.

When Stewie invented the Wipeless Dump, our rainforests were hanging on by a thread.

Now, are there too many trees?

Ladies and gentlemen, Stewart Griffin.

Thank you for this wonderful honor.

It's so wonderful to be here with all of you.

You guys mind stopping for just one minute?

When I heard I was going to be receiving this award, I...

I'm not the person who yells at waiters, but maybe everyone bussing tables can freeze?

I-I don't understand why I'm the person who has to be saying this, okay?

Okay, I'll never forget the first time I...

Wow, really?

This award means the world to... and I want to thank... everyone who...

Anybody with a bowtie on, stop what you're doing, walk into the coatroom, and don't come out until I'm done talking!

I-I don't yell at waiters.

I'm now going to stop mid-sentence because I see someone from my...


So, Brian, how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.?

You two still hanging out?

No. He died.

I'll never forget it, it was Spiro Agnew's birthday.

Wow, so you, uh, really went all-in with the Japanese screens.

Yes, I really like changing in silhouette while carrying on a conversation.

Will you excuse me?

So, how was your flight?

It was, uh, it was fine.

I had a layover in Atlanta...

What are you doing back there?

Just getting into something more comfortable.

Can I interest you in a nightcap?

-I think I've got... -Who is that?

A little privacy, please!

What the hell was all that?

I have a lot of money, Brian.

But let's continue this while I take a very foggy shower.

No, Stewie, come on.

I haven't seen you in almost 50 years.

And you haven't even told me how great I look.

You do look great.

Thanks to me.

I invented a pill to extend your life.

It's called "Semper Fido."

What? Why?

Aren't you going to say anything about the cute name I gave it?


What? Why?

I snuck it in your food because I wanted you to live long enough to see that global warming is bull crap.

Oh, my God, we were so wrong about that.

If anything, it's way colder now.

Yes, and now thanks to you, we're stuck with President Polar Bear.

President Polar Bear, is it true you ate the presidential seal?

That was a simple misunderstanding.

-No further questions. -President Polar Bear!

President Polar Bear, what did you do for a Klondike bar?

I believe the president has answered all of your questions.

Here's what I don't understand-- why did you even want me to live this long if you were just gonna leave me?

It's not about you, Brian.

I couldn't take it back there.

But they were your family, Stewie.

I guess I'm just not a family guy.

Mom and Dad always wanted me to be someone I wasn't.

Stewie Griffin, get in here right now!

-Yeah? -Well, I just got our Christmas card photos.

You want to tell me what you're doing with your hands here?


Exactly, nothing.

And what does the greeting at the top of the card say?

"Merry Christmas and a Shocking New Year."

And what is every other member of the family doing with their hands?

-The shocker. -Right.

Now, listen, Stewie, I'm a cool dad, all right?

I could care less what you do with the pink, truly.

But the stink is where you get the "shocking."

You get that?

You get what I'm saying?

Even if it's just one, that's fine.

But you got to put something there.

I-I think it's gonna be fine.

I'm sure people won't even notice.


Anyway, that's why I left.

Well, that was a long time ago.

You have to come back.


Peter is dying.


Oh, my God, that's awful.

So, you'll come see him?

Of course.

You know, he once asked me in the event that he was sick to clear his Google history.

"Peter Griffin search history."

"Winnie the Pooh, "Winnie the Pooh jacket, "Winnie the Pooh vintage jacket, "Winnie the Pooh letterman jacket, "Winnie the Pooh windbreaker, "Eeyore jacket, "Eeyore vintage jacket, "Eeyore letterman jacket, lactating pregnant Latinas..."

Wow. Huge turn there.

"Piglet pencil erasers."

Okay, getting back in there.

"Full cast Winnie the Pooh backpack."

Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah.

"Coughing up blood, pain in abdomen, Winnie the Pooh casket."

Yeah, he is sick.

You know, while we're here, let's take a look at your search history.

No, Stewie, that's...

"Spiro Agnew birthday."

What a weird thing to try to impress me with.

Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin.

We have to pick up Chris?

Yeah, what's the problem?

Uh, we didn't exactly get along too well.

Especially after Grandpa died and left me the dark boathouse.

You can still use the boathouse on non-vacation Sundays in the spring.

I've always taken care of you, Chris.

Taken care of me?

You're my kid brother, you take care of me?

Sorry, I came down here to vape.

Send Chris off to do this, send Chris off to do that.

I'm supposed to be shoveling the driveway.

I'm your older brother, Stewie, and I was stepped over!

It's the way Grandpa wanted it.

It ain't the way I wanted it!

Sounds like you're having a personal conversation.

I'll put in my earbuds.

I'm smart!

Not like everybody says, like dumb.

I'm smart and I want respect.

¶ Funky Cold Medina. ¶

Chris, you live in filth.

What have you been doing?

Yeah, I kind of wasted my life, except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk.


Who's out there?.

Settle down, just got some company.

Well, aren't you going to introduce me?

I'm getting to it, if-if you'll give me a second.

I want to have a look at them.

Hey, numbskull, that's how we got in trouble the last time.

He-he's really very friendly.

Where's the Jamba Juice you were gonna get me?

Never mind, I'll order it on Postmates.

No, you won't.

Stop spending all our money.

So, what's Meg been up to anyway?

She runs a small private security business out in the desert.

That sounds kind of cool.

Well, she basically just tests bulletproof vests.

-Ready? -One sec.

Yeah, go, go, go.

Ooh... yeah.

This one can use another layer.

Oh, hey, guys.

Um, are you okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Hi, Meg. Bring it in.

Hi, Chris' Penis.

How are you?

Same spit, different day.

Wow, look at Quahog.

Light rail system, gleaming skyscrapers.

Weenie and the Butt. But somehow, the same morning DJs.

Quahog 97

FM on the radio

And the Internet

And the orb

A new invention

Which lets you hear stuff

Right in your head

Without a device.

Try turning it off.

You can't!

That's not all that hasn't changed.

Cleveland's still on hold with United Airlines.

I'm starting to think my call is not important to them.

Your call is important to us.

Thank you for remaining on the line.

All right, you just bought yourself another year.

And Seamus is still on hold with Spirit Airlines.

We don't give a crap about you, but we're the cheapest, -so sit there and take it. -Ah, sea turds.

Mr. Seamus, five minutes to showtime, Mr. Seamus.

Oh, I want to fly standby to Pittsburgh, but I also want to host The Muppet Show.

Look at all this traffic.

Yeah, Brady Boulevard is tight this time of day.

You know what? Cut over to Brady on Brady and then take the Brady Bridge.

Is everything in this town named after Tom Brady?

Oh, no, there's the Rob Gronkowski Library.

The only book is just a label ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle.

And look, there's the Robert Kraft Marina, full of tugboats.

I heard he had a stroke.

I can't even get my bearings.

I'm gonna ask someone for directions.

I wouldn't do that. Since you left, the New England accent has become incomprehensible.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

Excuse me, sir, where is the Quahog Harbor?

-Cah gabbah? -What?

I-I just, I just want to know where the Quahog Harbor is.

Cah gabbah.

Uh-oh, there's a lot of guys in Bruins hats turning around now.

-Abbah dabbah. -Gwin' dahsee da Sawx. -N'abbah dabbah.

-Cah gabbah. -Gwin' dahsee da Sawx.

Aah! Brian, get out of here. Go, go, go!

Christopher "Irish or Italian name," are you causing trouble out there?

-No, Ma. -Nomah? -Nomah!

-Nomah! -Nomah! -Nomah!

What the hell happened to the neighborhood?

Hey, Stewie.

Here comes a double scoop of trouble.

Whoa, you look great, considering your age.

Yeah, I'm basically exactly the same, except I pretty much only talk about ice cream now.

Oh, that's cool, that's cool.

Yeah, you know what's cool? Ice cream.

Want to go get a cup? Cone? Bowl?

I-I'm just trying to see my folks.

Man, I love ice cream.

You know there's three different ice cream shops in Quahog?

-They're all good. -What's your favorite?

They're all good.

So that's the scoop from here.

All right, well, good running into you, man.

Oh, my babies, finally all together again.

Hello, Mother.

I mean, uh, damn you, vile woman.

I must kill you, et cetera, et cetera.

-Did Quagmire tell you about the ice cream? -Yes.

You know, there are three ice cream parlors in town.

-We know. -They're all good.

-Yes, he said that. -They're all good.

Have we already run out of conversation?

Chris, Meg, how are you?

-Good, Ma. -How are you?

Oh, I can't complain. Little hard of hearing, which is why I turned on the closed captioning.

It's about 30 seconds behind, though.

Wow, that is way behind.

Now, what would you kids like for dinner?

-It's 3:15, Ma. -I know, we waited for you.

Yeah, we-we can go ahead and turn that off.

How's Dad?

Your father's had severe diabetes ever since they opened three ice cream stores in town.

They're all good.

You can't live like this, the house is falling apart.

This is awful, and it's all my fault.

Oh, Pop, I am so sorry I abandoned you all.

I never should've left home. What can I do?

Just promise, when I die, that you will help our family.

I will, I promise.

This family will never want for anything ever again.

-That's so generous. -Thank you.

Chris, your hand.

All right, now that that's settled, let's celebrate with some of the music of now with closed captioning.

Music of now, music of now

Music of now, music of now, music of now.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, delivering the news with my Andy Rooney end-of-life eyebrows.

You won't hear anything I'm saying because they're so distracting.

Now, let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa, so we can be shocked at how well her people age. Tricia?

Tom, I'm standing here with flawless skin next to the shedding, crumbling, dusty ancient relics of white people my age.

Oh, Stewie, you've done so much to help our family.

I can't believe you put in an elevator.

Yes, and it even has elevator music.

Music of now, music of now. Aw, and thanks for these virtual reality glasses, so I can watch porn while talking to the family.

So what's California like, Stewie? Ugh.

That was a penis.

So, do-do you still want to know about California?

No, I'm done.

I have one more dying wish.

Play the song, but play it slow because I am old.

A-well-a everybody's heard

About the bird... Family, help me dance.

B-bird's a word

A-well, a bird, bird, bird...

-How long, Peter? -I'll say when.

A-well, a bird, bird, bird

Well-a bird is a word

A-well, a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's a word

A-well, a bird, bird, bird

Well-a bird is a word.

Oh, Dr. Hartman, thank you for coming.

Actually, I'm Dr. Hartman's son.

Doctor Hartmanson? But I asked for Dr. Hartman.

His jokes are getting worse, Doctor.

Is there anything you can do for him?

Now all we can do is wait.

Lois... it's time.

Oh, Peter, I'm gonna miss you so much.

I see a white light.

There are others inside of it.

Adam West, Carrie Fisher, Ricardo Montalbán, Phyllis Diller...

Heaven is filled with every actor who ever died?

No, this is actually just the ones who did our show right before they died. Crazy, right?

Frank Sinatra Jr., Charles Durning, Lauren Bacall, Rodney Dangerfield, Roy Scheider, Waylon Jennings, Ed Asner by the time this airs certainly...

Dad, you don't have to do this, there are too many.

Uh-oh, Conway Twitty is here, and he's pissed.

Wait, he's wearing the Darth Vader helmet.

Never mind, he was cool with it.

This is it.

Oh, he's trying to say something.

H-His final words.

Lactating... pregnant... Latinas.

I will, Dad, I promise.

No, we won't cry for him, we will celebrate his life.

The finest cigars for the finest family ever to live.

Oh, Stewie, we love you so much.

And I love you, which is why I must not delay any longer.

I must get my affairs in order and transfer my money to all of you.

-I will see you all soon. -Oh, thank you, Stewie.

-We love you. -Thanks.

We did it. We got him.

I feel like we're in The Sting, that movie from 100 years ago about 150 years ago.

Great work tricking him, Brian.

Thanks. Well, you know, I credit my years as a writer.

When I planned the con, I saw Quahog as a character...

Okay, that's enough.

Had a pebble in my shoe.

Of course I knew the whole thing was a scam.

They probably did that "crying turning into laughing" thing

when I left, what a bunch of hacks.

They're too stupid to notice I snuck into the kitchen

and turned up the gas before I left.

Chris should be lighting his cigar right about...

Stewie, help.

It hurts! Reverse the pill! Let me die!

Ooh, wish I could, but the pills were in the house, so, yeah...

Stewie. Stewie!

Stewie! Stewie!

Stewie! Stewie!

Huh? What?

What the hell is wrong with you? You've been staring at that old man Halloween costume for 30 minutes.

21 plus commercials, but it's a big decision.

You know, I've always been afraid of being old, but now I think I'll like it just fine.

Why are you walking so slowly?

Turns out this costume is about 80% balls, and most of it's dragging behind me.

-Uhp, we got a tangle. -Uhp, what do I do?

Stop walking. I'll go back, you go forward.

-Are you sure? -It's counterintuitive.

I don't know, that-that doesn't seem right to me.

-When you want to go left, you go right. -I'm just gonna pull forward.

-Don't pull, don't pull. -I-I think if you come this way, -and I go that way... -Just stop walking and listen to me. Everybody freeze.

Okay, let's just think about this.

People of Argentina, I have heard your cries, and I just want to say...

Meg. Meg!

I already told you you're not gonna be Evita.

You're gonna be the back half of Edgar the Farting Horse.

Now get in.

Hey. I do the farting.