Family Guy S18E15 Script

Baby Stewie (2020)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

What's up, fellas? What can I get you guys tonight?

Beer. Beer.

Beer. I'll have just, like, a... a chicken salad or something.

What? Chicken salad.

Or whatever's easiest.

Probably chicken salad.

Hey, uh, Jerome, can you give us a minute to discuss this as a group?

Quagmire, excuse my Wisconsin mouth, but...

Why the heck are you not drinkin', for cripes' sake?

Are you doing the keto diet so you lose a bunch of weight and it makes you look like you got a mascot head?

No, I'm on medication, so I can't drink, okay?

And I'm not gonna say what it's for.

I'll-I'll just say the pharmacist whispers it to me.

So you haven't been drinking all week?

What have you been doing?

Just mostly going to bed early.

Like really early.

Like so early you still hear people outside mowing their lawns.

But it's not that bad... Th-there's plenty of sober stuff we can do together. Ugh, like what? Fly kites?

That's stupid, or is it? I'm in. I have a kite in my car.

What about an escape room?

If we can't drink, we might as well lock ourselves in a room with no windows.

Cleveland, I could kiss you!

My heart says yes, but my Lord says no.

Hello, puzzlers. Welcome to my escape room!

For those of you who've never played before, the game is simple.

You will all be locked in identical rooms where you will solve a series of puzzles using clues hidden around the room.

First family to escape wins!

Will-will there be fractions?

I was told there would be no fractions.

Well, whoever told you that was half right.

Eh?

Now, I know what some of you are thinking.

Yes, I look like a man who owns domestic rats.

Yes, I do own domestic rats.

Yes, they've eaten a few of my toes.

Yes, the rats are missing.

Yes, this current talk is being videotaped and will be used as my legal release of responsibility if aforementioned toe-eating rats were to nibble, bite or maul any of the present participants' toes.

Yes, it's held up in court before.

Yes, this is the "odd speech" cited in our Yelp reviews.

But most importantly... have fun...!

You guys want to bet on who finishes first? Huh?

I had a night coffee, so I'm feeling jazzed.

; Well, I... I don't know if we should be betting.

Our family kind of has an unfair advantage.

I mean, I'm a detective.

No. Okay.

So what? Peter's made for these games.

He's got a big fat puzzle-solving brain.

I mean, look at his head. It's huge!

Look at it! Yeah, yeah, look at it.

Hey, Chris, you want an edible?

Meg?!

Yes.

"Welcome, Detectives."

I love this already.

Uh, "A client needs your help.

"His name is in the address book in your desk, "but you can't find the key.

"Try looking in the last place you left them.

They might be hanging around."

Okay, where do people leave their keys when they come into a room?

In the coat on the coat rack.

Oh, oh, I know, I know. In the corner of the room, 'cause you threw 'em at a ceiling spider.

Yes! Check there!

We don't need a key.

I'll just yank on the desk drawer until it opens.

Strength over brains!

Yes! This fat head is already paying dividends!

Okay.

It was a trap.

Everything on Groupon is just a trick to Get Out black people.

Aah, we're sinking.

All right, the name in the address book is Anthony Fibonacci.

Phone number: 235-blank-blank-3- blank-blank-blank-blank.

Those missing numbers are...

Chris, stop picking your elbow scab.

It'll never heal. It'll heal.

The missing numbers are what we need to unlock the keypad on the door.

Okay. Fibonacci... That's Italian.

So maybe if I just start saying Italian stuff, I'll say the answer. Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Mario Kart.

Pizza Hut.

Look at those idiots. Their thought process always involves food or cultural stereotypes.

Hitting a kid with a wooden spoon.

I mean, the answer is obvious.

I know. Totally.

Oh, oh, you're waiting for me to keep going.

The name is Fibonacci.

Kissing a cross before you get-a on a airplane.

Fibonacci is also a reference to a sequence of numbers where every number after the first two is the sum of the two preceding ones.

It's from The Da Vinci Code, and the answer is 2-3-5-

8-1-3-2-1-3-4.

Guys, guys, guys, you're thinking too hard.

The answer is simple.

Fibonacci is the name of a number man from The Da Vinci Code, which was written by Tom Hanks, so the number is...

Yes! That is why you bring a dog with you everywhere you go.

Even in Target, 'cause who's gonna tell you you can't?

The dead-eyed employees?

No. No, they won't.

'Cause they're cowards.

Sir? Sir? What?!

Nothing, it's stupid. I'm-I'm... I'm sorry.

Hey, Stewie, we really crushed it last night in that escape room, huh?

Ugh, don't say "crushed" like you're trying to sell me a Range Rover.

I did well, Brian.

You just copied my answer and took credit.

Whatever, Stewie. I don't know why I always need your validation.

I should just let you enjoy your superior intellect while you still have it.

What does that mean?

Oh. Did you think you were the only smart baby in this family?

Chris and Meg were just as smart as you were.

But once a Griffin hits puberty, they turn into a full-blown bozo.

Bozo the Clown?

Yes, of course. Bozo the Clown.

What other Bozos are there?

I... I don't know, Bozo the tax accountant?

Well, the good news is, since you do a sex advice podcast...

Which I really like, by the way... every time you... it's a write-off.

Really? Oh, yeah. And not just... also... and even...

Are you kidding me?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Whoa, what's this?

This is my new invention: a gene-altering device, or GAD.

Josh, if I'm feeling informal.

I thought about what you said yesterday about me growing up stupid.

So I decided to do something about it.

I can't control the DNA I was given, but now I can control the DNA I want to keep.

Stewie, that's crazy.

No, it's not.

Genetic modification is a real thing.

It's going to change the world, just like James Taylor changed rock and roll.

Hello, Martha's Vineyard.

Are you ready to watch me play guitar on a stool?

Yes. Thank you.

No, thank you.

Now, here's a song that's basically directions to Boston.

All right, I've put in all my desired genetic modifications.

Any last words before I go in?

Yeah, don't you think you're being a little dramatic?

Yes. Thank you.

Stewie, I'm serious. Messing around with your DNA could have dire consequences.

Haven't you ever seen the movie Splice?

Yeah, no, and take that Citizen Kane tone out of your voice.

It's Splice.

Okay. It's time.

As we go on

We remember

All the times we What are you doing? I'm singing to my old self.

Had together It's a really nice moment I'm making.

And as our lives change

Come whatever ♪ Do you want me to leave?

Shut up! I timed it to go off when I...

We will still be

Friends forever. Thanks a lot, dick.

Did it work?

Doggy. Big doggy.

Oh, my God.

I think taking out that DNA turned you into a regular baby.

Ha! Should've watched Splice, bro.

Doggy.

Big doggy.

That's right. The big doggy.

Good evening, folks.

Would you like to hear tonight's specials?

Bah, bah, bah, bah, ooh, bah, bah, bah!

That was loud.

So, what's everyone gonna get?

Hey, Chris, watch. I bet she orders the eggplant parmesan like it's something fancy.

I'm thinking the eggplant parmesan.

It'll be like we're in Italy!

Ha! Our family should wear uniforms with "Basic Bitches" across the front.

What's wrong with eggplant parmesan?

Nothing. I was just making a joke.

Stewie and I do it all the time.

Stewie is a baby.

You bad-mouth our family to the baby?

Forget it. Forget I said anything.

Mom! Dad!

Brian's talking crap about you guys to Stewie!

What? No, I wasn't.

Yeah, he was. He said we're a bunch of basic bitches.

It's kinda true, yo.

Brian, if I was such a basic bitch, would I be wearing solid black umpire's shoes?

Umpires are cool.

They make the rules.

Water out!

Are umpires not cool?

I'm starting to feel foolish.

Where the hell is my white wine with Sprite in it?!

Hi again. That man over there reading a book by himself has offered to pay for your meal if you move to a table outside.

You're not the dick in this situation.

You're paying for their meal, so you can't be the dick.

Cup. Yeah, cup. Wow.

All right, time to go, everybody.

What? Where are we going?

My cousin's getting married this weekend.

Brian, I need your help with Stewie on the flight.

Sure, no problem. The iPad's broken.

(BLEEP)

Brian face. Mm-hmm.

Brian face. Yup.

Brian face. Only a few more now.

Okay. All right.

Got to be getting tired soon.

You see, when young kids act out, what they're really doing is asking to be heard.

They have very little control in their lives, so the key, and I mean key... is to make them an active participant in these decisions.

And once you do that... you'll see... a big... difference.

Hi. Can I get some of those tiny square napkins?

Yeah, like-like the most you're allowed to give.

Now the bride and groom would like to share a moment of silence to honor the family members who have passed.

They may not be with us in person, but they are with us in spirit.

Poo-poo. No!

We do not touch poo-poo in this family.

We do not touch poo-poo.

No! Hands up.

That's it. Now there's no bubbles later.

Yes, bubbles! No bubbles.

You lost the bubbles. Yes, bubbles!

Maybe you can earn them back.

But as far as I'm concerned, you've lost the bubbles.

They're gone. They're probably gone.

Yay, bubbles!

What?!

I think it's time to change you back, Stewie.

As much as I hated being around a condescending baby, I prefer that to a screaming bag of leaking crap.

Brian face.

All right, how do I use this thing?

These are all just sketches of Stewie with different Hemsworth haircuts.

It's got to be on the computer somewhere.

Here.

"Restore original DNA profile." Yes.

"Would you like to add a Hemsworth haircut?" No.

"Are you sure?" Yes.

"Really?" Yes.

"Would you like to first see a photo of what you're turning down?" No.

"Too bad."

Just restore DNA.

Whoops. "Edit, undo."

Uh-oh. "Edit, redo."

My God, I can't get back to regular Stewie.

What am I gonna do?

I better go rewatch Splice.

This is Peter Griffin's Penis Video.

Take one.

Oh, my God.

What do you think, bud?

There's a Q and A with the cast afterwards.

No.

No. Stewiechu.

No.

Aw, he's gonna hate me for changing this one.

Hello? Stewie?

Brian, is my mouth in my butt?

Yeah, my mouth's in my butt.

You got to fix this. I'm trying.

Brian, where's my butt?

No. No. No.

Brian, you did it.

No. Oh, (BLEEP)!

Sorry. (BLEEP)

You can fix this.

You just need a little help.

Just like how Sylvester Stallone needs help getting ready in the morning.

So, what are we thinking this morning?

I don't know. I like big face.

Big, fat face. Goatee with little, tiny eyes.

Okay. And what about for your body?

Yeah, you know, veins. All kinds of veins everywhere.

L-Little rivers everywhere.

So, do you think you can help me get him back to normal?

You came to the right guy.

But first I'm gonna need a few things.

Of course, anything. Go to the kitchen and grab eight to ten dish towels.

Tear 'em in half and lay 'em on the floor in my room.

Then I need two AA batteries.

After that, go to Shake Shack and pick up four burgers.

Doesn't matter which ones. They're all good.

How is that gonna help? You'll see!

Finally, I need you to sew the long plastic tube from the vacuum cleaner onto this pair of underwear. Come on, Chris.

Hey, you came to me, damn it.

I can fix this, but not if you don't trust me.

Chris? It's been three hours.

Any updates?

You don't want to be in here, dude.

Stewie, I need your help.

I know that there's got to be a part of you inside there that can understand me, and maybe Rupert can help you remember.

Remember Rupert? He's your best friend with whom you seem to have a very sexual past.

Yes, it's working.

It's Rupert. Nice Rupert.

Stewie loves Rupert.

What the hell?

Hello?

- Stewie! Uh, no Stewie.

- Stewie! No Stewie.

Brian, is Stewie in there?

- Stewie! No Stewie. Uh...

His preschool teacher said he took home the Flat Stanley this weekend, and she needs it back.

- Stewie! Open the door.

Uh, no, no, no. I'll-I'll... I'll find it.

Stewie!

No Stewie. Hi, Brian.

I got a trampoline.

- Stewie! No Stewie.

Fat guys go high.

I don't know how to stop.

Let me in. Where's Stewie?

Stewie! No Stewie!

Is this my forever?

Everything is fine. Just nobody come in or look in.

Stewie was right. I am an idiot.

I wish I could go back to before this whole thing happened and tell him he's right.

Wait, I can go back.

Stewie's time machine.

Oh, there he is. Wish me luck, Flat Stanley.

Or you could just call me Stanley.

Not make fun of my body.

Oh, no. What did you do?

A lot. You can't go in this machine, Stewie.

Removing those parts of your DNA doesn't make you smarter.

It just turns you into a regular baby.

That's impossible. My science is correct.

I know, but I may not have been telling you the truth about Chris being a smart baby.

But he solved a Rubik's Cube.

I saw the video.

I played it in reverse.

He wasn't solving one.

He was eating one.

You're not gonna grow up to be dumb.

You're gonna grow up to be you.

Who's way smarter than me.

So you're saying that somehow, all my smooshed-together, crappy Griffin DNA is actually what makes me smart?

Yeah, I think so.

I suppose it's possible.

Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.

What's that? By traveling back here, you've created a new timeline.

For everything to revert back to normal, you have to drown your past self in the toilet.

Hey, Stewie.

W-W-Wait, wait, wait, no, no, sorry.

Sorry, I have it backwards. What?

You're supposed to be drowning your future self.

You came back. You're the new timeline.

Oh, come on!

Hey, I said I'm smart. I'm not perfect.

Do it. Just do it.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yes. Yes, this is right.

Well, that was fun, but it didn't fill the whole episode.

So, in the Pixar tradition of killing time, here's a Family Guy short.

And don't worry, it won't be that creepy one where the Chinese mother eats her baby.


What?


Aah.

All right.