Family Guy S18E17 Script

Coma Guy (2020)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Thanks for coming to our cocktail party, everyone.

We're so glad you could make it.

That's the speech you were working on?

Okay, now let's play a game.

It's called: "Everybody give me an idea what time you're leaving."

Settle down, Peter.

Hey, is the party good out there? Can I come out?

No, Brian, you're fine in the kitchen.

Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!

No. Oh, come on.

Joe just dropped a cracker. Joe just dropped a cracker!

(SCRATCHING ON DOOR) Damn it, Brian!

I can't figure out how to open the gate.

Well, since this is a nice cocktail party, let's talk about books.

What book is everyone reading?

I only read four books in my life, and three of them were about Johnny Bench.

Ah, I can top that.

I ain't ever read a book in my entire life.

(ALL GASP)

Never read a book? Peter's never read a book!

Yeah, I heard the first guy.

And you said this was a fancy cocktail party.

Reginald, we're leaving!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Damn it! I shopped at Trader Joe's for this fancy cocktail party, and once again, your ignorance of books has ruined it.

Enough is enough.

I got a junior high book list here, and starting tomorrow, you are reading one of these books.

Little Women, Holes, The Giver.

These are all porn categories. Black Beauty.

Is there anything here that's not pornography?

1984! Just read 1984.

Fine. Geez. I'll read 1984.

You better, 'cause this was more embarrassing than when we played truth or dare with present-day Madonna.

Ah... truth.

Do I look younger than 90?

Dare.

Ah, the public library.

I'm just gonna put my backpack down for one second.

And it's gone.

My laptop was in there, no password.

My wallet. Everything.

That person is now me.

My entire life went away. (SIGHS)

Hey, how do you find something in here?

It's a lot easier than finding a man out there.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Yeah. Yeah, maybe wash your hair, lose the bun, give that a chance.

Anyway, you guys have 1984?

We've got it on CD.

"C-D." (LAUGHS)

Sounds like my high school report card. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Okay, okay, all right, all right.

Okay, boring book: 1984.

I am ready for you to be lame and a book and not something unexpected.

(VAN HALEN'S "PANAMA" PLAYS)

Oh, yeah... ♪ (GASPS) This is books?

Books kick ass! ♪ Panama, Pana... Probably reading Orwell.

Kids, where's your father?

He left a note.

"If Van Halen calls, tell them they rule."

What?

Panama... Did they call? Peter, what are you doing?!

I did what you wanted. I went to the library and I got 1984.

(CHUCKLES) What a book!

Peter, I'm not okay with this new Van Halen phase of yours.

Yeah, Dad, it's crazy.

Like JFK deciding to cruise through Dallas in a rental.

How'd that convertible work out for you?

Yeah, I don't... I don't know. Good. Okay.

And did you get all your stuff out of the car?

Kind of.

Panama... MAN: All units, this is Dispatch.

We've got a red station wagon blasting "Panama" and being awesome and partying and being rad.

OFFICER: Not in my town, Dispatch.

This is Officer Stickbutt, in pursuit.

Whoo!

♪ ♪ MAN: Stickbutt, break off pursuit.

"Panama" kicks too much ass and shreds way too hard.

You'll never catch him.

Negative, Dispatch. Just need to wait for that "Runnin' a little bit hot tonight" part.

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight OFFICER: Bingo. Got him now.

I can barely see the road

From the heat coming off of it

(TIRES SCREECHING)

OFFICER: What's he doing?!

Suspect is headed toward Unjumpable Canyon.

It's totally unjumpable! ♪ Ease the seat back... Unless... - Unless what, Stickbutt? Over.

OFFICER: Dear God, he's gonna do it.

He's gonna time his jump for the greatest harmonized sound drop in '80s rock history.

You're right. The part that goes...

Ain't no stoppin'

Now...!

(HOLDING NOTE)

Panama ♪ Damn it!

- JOE: What? What happened? Get off this channel, Joe.

JOE: Come on, I want to be an outside cop!

Panama.

(WHISTLES)

Panama. Damn it, Peter, I'm sick of this!

Take that Van Halen CD back today.

No way. I ain't never returning that CD.

It's too awesome.

I didn't want to play this card, Peter, but if you won't listen to me, listen to the pancake with slices of banana on it.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

But you're always smiling.

Note the maple syrup tears.

Don't you think I see the maple syrup tears, Lois?!

I guess my Van Halen days are over.

(ENGINE REVVING)

No, no, no. Those days are behind me.

I made a promise to a pancake.

On and on

He just keeps on trying

And he smiles when he feels like crying...

Panama

On and on ♪ ♪ Panama

On and on

Pan... ♪ (ENGINES REVVING)

Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine

Got the feel for the wheel, keep the movin' parts clean

Hot shoe Yeah! ♪ Burnin' down the avenue

Got an on... ♪ ♪ On and on...

Bedroom, don't you know she's coming home with me?

You'll lose her in the turn ♪ (LAUGHS) Working squirrel.

(YELLS)

(WHIMPERS)

(BEEPS TWICE)

Hey, in case you need it, someone left this business card at the crash site.

Looks like there's a new squirrel in the insurance game.

I don't care about that, Dr. Hartman.

Just tell me what's wrong with my husband.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but your husband is in a coma.

Oh, my God!

And to deliver the news to your teenage children, I've hired an EDM DJ.

Your father's in a coma

(PITCH RISING): ♪ Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma

(DEEP VOICE): ♪ He's gonna die. This is awesome!

Yeah, I saw this guy playing at an H&M, and I got his number!

My husband is in a coma?!

I'm afraid so.

I mean, he's not responding to my advances, so it's either a coma, or he's a frigid bitch.

We'll leave you with him now.

But it's very important that you speak to Peter.

He can hear you.

Talk about the good times, what he means to you.

Talk and keep talking.

Psh-psh-pshew.

Let's just turn on the TV.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Simpsons.

Meme.

Not a meme.

Meme.

Not a meme.

Where am I? Hey, let me out. Let me out!

(DEEP VOICE): Hello, Peter.

(SQUISHING)


What did I ever do to deserve this?!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

(WHIMPERING)

The Godfather insists upon itself.

It insists upon itself. It insists upon itself.

The Godfather insists upon itself.

It insists upon itself. It insists upon itself.

It insists upon itself.

The Godfather insists upon itself.

It insists... It insists...

Ah, no! Wait! I agree with all of you!

Upon itself.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

And how do you find the defendant?

B'caw, or not b'caw?

We find the defendant, Peter Griffin, b'caw.

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

Peter Griffin, I hereby sentence you to an awkward apology dinner with Joaquin Phoenix.

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Well... I'm waiting.

Hey, if, uh, this goes south, is there a plan for Peter's rakes?

Um... who's gonna get Peter's rakes?

What did I tell you, Mom? What did I tell you?

Well, I just thought it would be one less thing to worry about later.

You came out of the blocks too soon, Joe.

Oh, Lois, I came as soon as I heard.

So... h-have you guys made any arrangements rake-wise?

Bonnie. Ix-nay on the akes-ray.

(SUSTAINED BEEPING)

Clear!

No, you do stuff up here. Clear!

Clear!

(SUSTAINED BEEPING) Clear!

Clear!

(SUSTAINED BEEPING) Clear!

(MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY)

No, that's the good sound.

Oh, well, why don't you just do everything.

I hate this stupid hospital.

Clear!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(PLAYING "PANAMA")

What are they all doing here? The canal.

She is finished. What canal?

Think, senor. What is your new favorite song?

"Panama"? - Sí.

It is the Panama Canal.

Your President Woodrow Wilson is giving the dedication right now.

Ah, you reach down between my legs.

Ease the seat back.

Got the feeling. Power steering.

Pistons popping.

Ain't no stopping now, Panama.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And now, senor, you must pee.

What? Pee. You must pee.

Fill the canal.

Well, it's gonna take a minute.

You see Coco? Of course.

It's good, right? It's very good.

Okay, I'm gonna try pulling my pants all the way down.

Sometimes that helps.

It wasn't a true story, right? What?

- Coco. No, it was fiction.

Somebody make it up out of their head.

Aw, that's too bad.

I can't go. Can't we just fill this up with a hose?

Oh, yeah. Turn on the hose!

(HORN BLOWING)

Mayor West?

Angela?

My dad?

Quagmire's fat girlfriend who died in the Clue episode?

What do all these people have in common?

And how do they know I like being slowly beckoned?

Mrs. Griffin, I have some good news or some bad news depending on how you feel about your husband.

Do you love your husband? Yes.

Mrs. Griffin, I have some bad news.

Your husband is brain-dead.

I'm afraid it's time for you to... make your choice.

What? A-Are you telling me I should pull the plug?

I'm afraid so.

Also, you might be getting a call about the service you received here today.

Do you feel I've earned all tens?

Oh, God, I-I don't know.

I can't get anything less than a ten, so if there's a problem, you should tell me about it right now.

I may have to pull the plug on my husband.

Yeah, I-I can't do anything about that.

But really, we-we really, really, really need the tens.

I-It's two minutes for you. It's a job or not for me.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Six.

Yeah, six across the board.

Ah, nuts.

Senor Griffin, I think it's time for you to depart.

Thanks, Jose, probably. Thanks for everything.

Hey, before I go, what's the boat's Wi-Fi password?

Oh, there's no Wi-Fi on board.

I don't want to go!

(GASPS) I don't want to go!

Hey. Hey.

That's a... that's a plug.

You... You pulled the plug on me?

Peter, it was a very difficult decision.

How could you do that? I'm alive.

I'm here from the mortgage company.

Mr. Griffin, you're three months late on your payment.

(IMITATES SUSTAINED BEEPING)

Oh, he died.

Oh, that's too bad.

Mind if I turn on my cotton candy machine?

(IMITATING WHIRRING)

(IMITATES MONITOR BEEPING) Aw, you got me.

Hey, sweetheart. How you feeling?

Terrible! My family tried to off me in my sleep.

We said we're sorry, all right?

We're sorry we pulled the plug!

But you know what? It was a relief. What?

There! I said it. You know what it's like being married to you?

Every day wondering if my husband's gonna die from something stupid?

Crashing your Petercopter. Getting eaten at the zoo.

Running into a tunnel that's not really a tunnel but just something the Road Runner painted on the side of a rock.

Yeah, well, I saw him go through it.

Honestly, I-I'm amazed you haven't died in some kind of Black Mirror techno nightmare by now.

(PHONE VIBRATING) Excuse me.

I have to take this phone call from...

(GASPS) Me?!

This me took a picture of dog poo.

The thought of losing you was such a burden.

So when the moment came, I confess.

I-I felt free, and I did it.

I pulled the plug.

And then I instantly regretted it.

And when you woke up, I was overjoyed.

I'm so sorry, and if there's any way I can make it up to you, I will. I promise.

We all will.

Damn right you're gonna make it up to me.

I am gonna be more high-maintenance than a white woman on vacation.

Excuse me, could I get dos margaritas, por favor?

Yoo-hoo! Hello? Senor?

Excuse me? Could I get towels? We need more towels.

Wh-When you get a chance, but right now.

Is someone available to take 20 to 40 pictures of me?

Family, you know how you said you're sorry and you'll do anything I want? Yeah.

Well, this is Timothy Olyphant.

I want you to line up and give him one compliment about his Netflix show, the Santa Clarita Diet.

Aw, really? And it has to sound legit.

Like you've actually watched it.

Peter, you ask too much.

Hey, you tried to kill me. This is the logical consequence.

Uh, Mr. Olyphant, I think you were awesome in Deadwood.

No, no, that's not what I said.

The comments have to exclusively relate to the Santa Clarita Diet, a show which aired three full seasons on Netflix.

I will take the first compliment off the table.

I like your hair.

Well, now I have nothing.

Come on, kids, we're leaving. What?

It's over. You'll never forgive us for killing you at the hospital, so we're done.

We're leaving town today.

You... You're leaving?

You'll never hear from us again.

It'll be like we died.

Come on, kids.

No, don't take the kids.

Please. No. Whatever will I do without them?

Banana pancake, you, too?

You're leaving forever?

I'm actually going to Hedo for Pancakes.

Oh, yeah! The ripping and the tearing.

The ripping and the tearing.

The syrup and the bacon.

The syrup and the... (SQUAWKS)

Well, they're gone.

It's all right. I'll be okay.

And I definitely won't have any flashbacks of our happy times together to convince me otherwise.

♪ ♪

Painting the walls

Means happy times Aw, we were so happy.

And now we're fighting with paint

To show we're having fun God, I miss those paint fights.

But then the music slows down

'Cause the shuttle blew up

And it really hit home I don't know why we painted that day.

But then we picked up the pieces

And started painting again Yay! We overcame!

I got to get my family back.

And who am I? I'm a fly on the wall

A fly who's seen it all. Ah, damn it. Now we got to repaint.

Come on! I got to get to the airport.

Sorry, bub. You'll be driving there slow.

Unless you got some kind of up-tempo rock music that's good for speeding to.

Mom? What is it?

I-I thought maybe your father would show up at the last second and we'd have one of those airport scenes.

Well, that's a nice movie trope, Lois, but the post-9/11 reality is there's no way a nonticketed civilian can...

Panama... Lois! Kids!

(GASPS) Dad came.

Brian was wrong again.

He's basically always wrong.

Peter? Guys, please don't go.

I love you.

Oh, Peter, what made you change your mind?

I just... I've been thinking.

Okay, so you tried to kill me.

But maybe that's what a family is, you know?

A bunch of people who try to kill each other.

I don't think that's what a family is.

Eh, it is, kind of.

Anyway, you're my family, and I love you.

And if I got to have my plug pulled by somebody, I want it to be you.

And you're the only people whose plug I want to pull.

Will you come back?

Yes, Peter. Yes!

(MOANING)

(ALL MOANING)

All right, everybody switch.

I got a guy.

But I made the rules, so I went with it.

Well, we all learned an important lesson: no one should ever read a book.

Eh, I didn't need a coma to know that.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh, my God, you guys.

Another space shuttle exploded.

(SIGHS) Well, there's only one thing to do.

Let's paint.

♪ ♪

Painting the walls

To get through tough times

When shuttles blow up

It's not always an accident What do you mean, not an accident?

Who is this guy singing?

And who am I? A conspiracy fly

Did you know "NASA" means "deceive" in Hebrew? I did not.

The Denver Airport was built

By the Illuminati Peter, shoo that fly out of here.

I will as soon as I find out if he has a banned-from-the-Apple-Store podcast I can listen to.

I do

It's FlyOnTheWall. buzz/truth

First reconfigure your DNS server

Then download a VPN

And get the Tor browser. It's too much work.