Family Guy S18E18 Script

Better Off Meg (2020)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

All right. Empty school.

Time to Shining my way through the halls.

♪ ♪

Principal Shepherd, where is everyone?!

(IN LOW, MONOTONE VOICE): Principal Shepherd's not here, Miss Griffin.

Why are you talking like that?

Sorry. That was Tony, the little boy who lives in my mouth.

Why are you here? It's skip day.

It's skip day? Nobody told me.

She's unpopular and unattractive.

Tony!

Hello?! Chris?

Did you know it was skip day?

Mom? Dad?

(BEEPS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

- MEG: Mom? Where are you guys? Who is this?

It's Meg. Where is everyone?

Well, this can't be Meg. She's with us here at the pier.

Who is that? Someone who says she's Meg.

Give me that.

Okay, Meg, if this is you, what's your birthday?

March 23.

I have no idea if that's correct.

Good day, sir. (BEEPS)

Sorry about that, everyone.

Now let's get back to the fair and enjoy our March 23.

(BOWLING PINS CLACKING, QUIET CHATTER)

The usual, please.

Here ya are... Ladies' seven on the left, and men's 11 on the right.

I just need a license.

Thanks.

Oh! And happy birthday!

Yes!

(WESTERN-STYLE THEME PLAYS)

BRUCE (SINGSONGY): We have not updated those.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, I find even more sand on my body from a beach toilet I used a week ago.

But first, tragedy strikes close to home, as a car crash near my apartment claims the life of a local teen girl.

The victim's identity is being withheld pending notification of the family.

(KNOCKING)

Hey, buddy.

What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on and your hat held mournfully against your chest?

Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.

What?! What are you talking about?

Meg's right here.

(WIND WHISTLING)

(ALL GASP)

You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.

Or when we rented that convertible.

How did this happen?!

She got in a car wreck, and was burned beyond recognition, and I leveled up on Fortnite this weekend, but you probably only care about the first two things.

Oh, dear God, no! (CRIES)

All we found was Meg's driver's license at the scene.

It had her Quiznos punch card stuck to the back.

Your little angel was one stamp away from a free sub, which only adds to this horrific tragedy.

It's actually pretty impressive, because the card was only issued three days ago.

Usually one of the guys would swipe a thing like this, use it on the way home, but I snagged it for ya.

Thought Meg's family ought to be the ones to enjoy the free sandwich.

Again, I'm very sorry.

(LIGHTS BUZZING)

TOM: Oh, hang on.

Oh, they told the family? Great!

The girl killed near my apartment was Meg Griffin.

What? I'm not dead!

She was burned beyond recognition but identified by her driver's license.

156 pounds.

Yikes.

Wait. Did you give my ID to the wrong girl?

Sorry. Them shoe spray fumes made me all goofy in my head.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

I'm still sober. This ain't cheatin'!

Oh, this is me being sober!

(SIGHS)

So I guess I'm dead.

And no one cares.

TOM: Again, for those of you in a new scene: Meg Griffin dead.

(SAD, ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ ♪

(ORGAN PLAYS SOLEMN HYMN)

Lois, can you believe these seats?

Front row!

I hope the priest pulls me up on stage and dances with me.

When I was hastily relocated to this parish a week ago, the last thing I thought I'd have to do is stand before you on such a sad occasion.

A family losing a child is like a Trivial Pursuit wheel losing a pie piece.

And you have to keep reminding everyone playing the game, "Don't forget. I already got 'Entertainment'." What a pain.

Your first speaker... Principal Shepherd.

Meg Griffin was an honest man, a kind man, a man who knew how...

(WHISPERING)

Oh, my stars!

I have nothing.

Kind of feel bad. There's nobody here.

I know. We're not even here.

(ELECTRICAL HISSING)

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

This was the right decision.

Hey, Chris, I'm super sorry your sister is dead.

Mwah.

If there's anything we can do to help you during your time of need...

Stamps. (LAUGHS) What?

Stamps. I need stamps.

Okay, you got it.

Wow. Are girls coming on to me because my sister died?

Cool!

BONNIE: God, I wish it was Joe in that box.

I do, too, Bon.

Oh. Did I say that out loud?

No, but at this point, I know what you're thinking.

It'll be soon, babe.

Unbelievable.

There's hardly anyone here.

Ugh. Well, that's it.

I'm off to a new town to start a new life.

Ooh. Sorry.

Don't you know what a rosary on a doorknob means?!

(ROLLING THUNDER)

(INHALES)

Siri, play "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal.

("KISS FROM A ROSE" PLAYS, SEAL BARKING INSTEAD OF LYRICS)

(SIGHS)

I hope everyone enjoys tonight's dinner.

(LOIS CRIES QUIETLY)

It... it was Meg's favorite.

(SOBBING)

There, there, Lois. Stop your crying.

Stop it. (CONTINUES CRYING)

Please stop. Stop.

Stop it. Stop crying.

Stop crying.

Stop crying. Stop.

(SIGHS) Before we eat, would anyone like to say something about Meg?

Okay, I feel all of you looking at me, so here goes.

Meg, wherever you are, I hope that you're with Bubba, and I want you to know that Lieutenant Dan is walking around...

Is this from Forrest Gump?

I miss you, Meg. (CRYING)

Stop it, Brian.

Stop your crying.

Stop it.

Please stop.

Stop. Stop it.

Stop crying. Stop crying.

Stop crying. Stop.

Stewie, is there anything you'd like to say?

Yeah. We're gonna save a lot of money on toilet paper.

Ever see her wipe?

She'd wrap up both hands like oven mitts and act like she was cleaning out a pot of burnt chili.

Anyway, that's all I care to say about Meg.

Maybe we should just have a moment of silence as we hear the guy down the street scream at his barking dog.

(DOG BARKING)

MAN: Damn it, Rufus, shut up!

Will you shut up?!

Get in the house! Get in the house!

This time things are gonna work out fine

This time will be better than previous times

This time is markedly different

Than the times we had before

This time is gonna be so much more!

(HARMONICA RIFF PLAYS)

Or maybe it's not.

(KNOCKING) Hi, new neighbor.

I just thought I'd come by and see if I could borrow a cup of tampons.

Sure. Just bring 'em back when you're done. No rush.

Thanks. My name's not important. What's yours?

Um... my name?

My name is...

Hallway.

Natalie Hallway.

Nice to meet you, Natalie.

You want to join us on the roof and sit under string lights?

That sounds great!

I'll bring my hemorrhoid donut to sit on.

(LAUGHS)

Great joke, Natalie Hallway!

Yes. It is a joke.

Because Natalie Hallway doesn't need to sit on a hemorrhoid donut.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

To Natalie Hallway, our new friend.

Natalie, sit down. Tell us about yourself.

Yow...!

What a view!

You know, Stewie, when Meg was little, we used to love to make Christmas cookies together.

Are... are those dongs?

My God, from October to January I don't come up for air.

All those families enjoying their Christmas dongs.

Could we get some of your cookies for our wedding?

Get out of here! This is a family bakery!

I'm a Christian!

In the case of Kent and Bradley v. Holiday Dongs, the court rules that you must give us the recipe.

(LAUGHTER) Oh!

NARRATOR: Under court order, Stewie went on to make baked goods for the gay wedding.

And because of that, he did not get into heaven, just like they've always been saying.

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Chris, be in my selfie!

I want to make Meg's death about me.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Hey, Chris, I couldn't help but notice how much attention you're getting.

Want to high-five hug?

Hell yes.

Hang in there, brotha.

I will, brother.

Chris, here are the keys to the drivers ed car to use anytime you want.

Wow, cool. See, everyone?

If I were using the drivers ed car for my real car, I wouldn't have given him the keys.

That would be a psycho move.

I wouldn't have a ride home.

Chris, if you're heading home, can I get a ride?

(BEEPING AND BLIPPING)

(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

Yeah! Go, Natalie!

Wow, Natalie Hallway, how did you get so good at bowling?

Oh, I used to play a lot back in Qua... rea.

Wow, you lived in Korea?

Yep.

When I was with the embassy.

So was that before or after you were one of the first black women to do math for NASA?

Yes.

Wow, your parents must be so proud of you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

♪ ♪

Hey, Griffin, I heard you scored with the girls' basketball team yesterday.

Yep, 12 points and eight rebounds.

Aw, Griffin, you're the man.

I got an extra orange at lunch.

You want it? Yeah!

Life is pretty sweet.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, Chris.

(GASPS) Meg?!

Are you alive?

Yes. I'll explain everything. Can you come meet me?

Okay, still the cemetery?

Alive?!

Chris, you already know that part.

Oh, right.

So you suddenly got sick of your new, great life?

No, Chris.

(GROANS) I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

I missed Mom.

I missed you.

I missed the whole family.

I'm glad you're alive, but you should know things are different now.

Dad finally got a Peloton? Yeah.

Is he using it? No.

He mumbled something about the Wi-Fi, then ate a whole chicken on the couch, but there's something else. What is it?

Let's talk about it in the van.

Chris?!

What are you doing?! Let me out!

Sorry, Meg, but I can't let you come home just yet.

I'm too popular now.

What's the holdup? What?

I slapped the van twice.

Yeah, what was that? I thought something flew into the van.

No, that's, like, the universal signal for "move it out."

I never heard that.

And I drive vans all the time.

Well, then how do you know when it's time to head out?

Somebody yells out "okay" or "all right."

Every so often it's "yep."

Well, okay, you're good to go.

All right. (ENGINE STARTS)

Ow! Ow!

What are you doing?!

Sorry, I got distracted by all this whappin' the side of the van business.

♪ ♪

Hello? Hello?

Where is everyone?

Damn it, Chris, I don't care that you're popular now.

Let me out of here!

Well, at least I still have my music.

Siri, play Seals and Croft.

Darling if you want me to be...

(SEAL BARKING)

Get closer to me.

Good morning, students.

We are gathered here for two reasons today.

One, to mourn the loss of Meg Griffin.

And two, to find the owner of this X-Men water bottle someone left in wood shop... Does anyone recognize it?

BOY: I'll take it! That's not what I asked. Anyone?

I'm not gonna tell you which character's on it, you have to be able to tell me the character.

BOY 2: Wolverine!

Are you guessing? Am I right?

All right, we'll handle this after.

But now, here to help you mourn, an artist who specializes in sensitive music to do finger stuff to, Mr. John Mayer!

It's good to be here. I love high school!

GIRL: Who are you? I was born in 2003!

Then I'm probably your father.

Ooh, pwned!

Whoa, looks like the school really is missing Meg.

Chris, Brian, would you help Peter?

He's one of those "has to be supported by both elbows" mourners.

I'm gonna need three seats for my elbow supporters.

Stewie, you look depressed.

You still upset about Meg?

No, it's just this gym is sad.

If you haven't won a championship since 1982, just take the banner down.

♪ ♪

Well, Meg, looks like you really are dead this time.

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die.

I wonder what I'll see.

(GROANS)

Oh, yeah!

Over! (GRUNTS)

I'm a tomato.

(ALL RETCHING)

MEG: I'm not in any of these!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Oh, come on!

I was in the Kingsman fight!

That could've been in there.

I can do stuff.

I-I can be a part of a comedy team!

Look, hey, Chris, who's on first?

A baseball player. (LAUGHS)

Well, that's it.

I'm gonna show them.

I'm gonna live.

I'm getting out of here.

Now let's see, if I whap my forehead against this cement floor enough times, I think I can create a blood luge to slide myself out on.

This... this can be in the highlight video!

(STRUMS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Wow, thank you, John Mayer. Wasn't he terrific?

I think we can all agree that John is entitled to take whichever student he wishes home with him tonight.

(SCATTERED CLAPPING)

And finally, the Quiznos across the street has graciously taken out a full page ad in the yearbook that will feature a dedication page to Meg.

Quiznos, go ahead and stand up.

Come on, in the back, you guys have been great.

(GASPS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Oh, my God, oh, my God, everyone!

He's proposing right here!

Right in front of everyone! Oh, she's so lucky!

Oh, my God!

(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)

I'm alive! I'm alive!

(ALL GASP)

(GASPS) Meg!

Those are dark-soled shoes.

She's wearing dark-soled shoes on the gym floor!

Sneakers only in the gym, guys.

Oh, my God, Meg!

I'm so glad you're alive!

What happened?

He did this!

Are you saying Chris saved your life?

This calls for a celebration.

All right, everyone throw confetti and ruin the janitor's weekend.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Hey, I'm not gonna make it this weekend.

Oh, but you're gonna miss the big janitor dance!

This is our last chance to get laid before Janitor College!

You think I don't know that?!

No! Chris kidnapped me so he could stay popular!

What? Chris would never do that.

Chris?

It's true, Mom.

I owe my sister an apology.

I shouldn't have treated her the way I did.

And I think if Meg were here today, she'd be the first one to agree.

I am here!

I'm right here!

Anyway, Meg, wherever you are, I'm sorry.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Damn it, I'm giving a speech! I want to tell you...

Very loud chant! Very loud chant!

Very loud chant! Very loud chant!

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God, Meg, I'm so glad you're back.

We love you, honey.

I love you, too, Mom.

Yeah, Meg, I'm just really glad this whole ordeal is over.

STEWIE (OVER RADIO): Glad this whole ordeal is what?

- Over. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Come on!

I'm sorry I faked my own death, Mom.

It's okay, Meg. Actually, I should've known.

Faking stuff is part of being a woman.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Women fake a lot of things.

You faked your death, I fake orgasms and being impressed by my husband's accomplishments at work.

Hey, Lois, guess who got to erase the white board in a meeting today?

Oh, my!

I think someone's earned himself Mama Lois' famous egg salad, huh?

Oh, yum!

Oh, today just keeps getting better and better!

Dad, I thought you hated Mom's egg salad.

Chris, part of being a man is faking things.

Like orgasms or pretending to like your wife's egg salad.

And anyway, I give it to that raccoon outside who likes me.

I thought you hated that guy.

Part of being a raccoon is faking things.

Like orgasms or pretending to like people who give you egg salad.

LOIS: Oh, Peter!

PETER: Oh, Lois!

RACCOON: Oh, other raccoon!