Family Guy S18E5 Script

Cat Fight (2019)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Hey, where's Quagmire? Actually, I haven't seen him all week.

Methinks he found a new lady friend.

Don't say "methinks" ever again, Joe.

Hey, there he is. Hey, guys.

What-What's all this?

Oh, this little oogie-woogie is my new friend, Albertine.

Who thinks she's French.

She loves to smoke and feels it's not truly a meal unless you serve bread.

(BABY VOICE): Isn't that right, Albertine?

You got to serve bread?

I don't believe she's ever said any of that.

So where have you been lo these many days?


Well, you know how there's hardly any cat cafés in town?

Well, I decided to open a cat café.

What's a cat café? It's like a coffee shop, except one where lots of cats live and roam.

Hmm, methinks the cat café sounds like a great idea.

That's it, Joe! I challenge you to a duel!

Pistols at midnight.



JOE: Peter, did you bring a flamethrower?


I also didn't bring one of them laser guns from Ghostbusters.

Joe, look! Look!

I got Mayor West!

Good. We'll keep him till we get a new mayor.

Principal Shepherd, we were so surprised to get your call.

Wh-What's going on?

Mrs. Griffin, Meg and Chris were caught cheating.

What? Yes.

They had the Lost Boys of the Sudan standing in for them in gym class.

Nice block, Griffin.

Nice shot, other Griffin.

This is terrible.

Uh, what do you think about this, Peter?

(SUDANESE ACCENT): Bad. Very bad.


Here it is, guys! What do you think?

I'm realizing I may have a cat allergy.

I think it's great, Glenn.

And people really seem to be enjoying themselves.

Boy, if I could clean myself with my tongue, I'd never leave the house.



And it's like, if I had nine lives, maybe I'd finally find a man.


You's joining me.

Peter, we have to talk. What fireworks?

After what happened today with Meg and Chris at school, I sent an e-mail to my sister, and five minutes later, Google Ads suggested a Christian family camp.

Yeah, the world's better now that corporations read our most private communications and then sell back at us the very things they've eavesdropped about.


Even before this, I'd worried about our church attendance dropping off.

Now with the kids showing a complete lack of morals, well, we may all need to go to Christian family camp.

Lois, you know I love you like a brother, but I'm not doing that.

I'd only get in an awkward, campfire-crackle argument with a counselor.

Jesus has love for everyone.

Uh, actually, what Jesus has is the might of Western civilization.

Jesus has guns, germs and steel.


Sorry, the wood is very wet.

Uh, actually, the wood is very dry.

Wet wood hisses, dry wood crackles during uncomfortable silence.


I like cutaways where I get to be smart.


What the... what the hell is that?



Hey! Shut up! (BLEEP)

Don't look at me! I'm dominant!

Brian? What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What is all this?

I happen to own this place. It's a cat café.

Now get out of here. You're making all my cats angry.

That's why they're hissing.

Actually, frightened cats hiss.

Angry cats moan.


You can't open this place here.

It's right next to my favorite bar.

Go to hell, Brian. You don't own this block.

I'm not going anywhere.

Fine. But I am about to become your worst nightmare.

No way. I've already had my worst nightmare.

I've told you about my worst nightmare, right?

No, I-I don't think so. Oh, boy, get comfortable.

Well, first, I'm driving through a forest, but it's actually inside, which is weird, right?

Okay. And there's all these people in the van who normally wouldn't know each other in real life: my second grade teacher, my mom, Joe, but it wasn't quite Joe.

All the kids are yelling at me in German, and I understood them, but I don't speak German.

Then SNL is starting, and I'm clearly in the cast, and I haven't been to any of the rehearsals, and all the cue cards are blank, and that show is all cue cards.

And just as that's sinking in, I realize I'm also the musical guest.

I mean, I can't pull that off.

Who do I think I am? Silverchair?

And the weird thing is... Wait a minute.

Listening to other people's nightmares is my worst nightmare!

(SHOUTS) Oh. Oh, thank God.


I got to shut down that cat place.


Okay, Peter, the kids and I are off to church camp.

Meg, Chris, the vans are here.

Wait a minute.

You got any booze in that bag, mister? No, sir.

Well, then, how you gonna make any friends at camp?

Here you go.

Now chug all this next to a lake, you little rascal.

BRIAN (AMPLIFIED): Shut down the cat café!

It's a nuisance and a threat to public health!

(SIGHS) Oh, for God's sake.

City ordinance 321(C) states, "Food or drink shall not be prepared or consumed within 20 feet of fecal matter."

Damn it, Brian. Also, Persian cats?

Let's call them what they are: Iranian cats.

This entire operation needs to be shut down.

And as long as Brian's got your attention, is it taking anyone else longer to wipe?

More wipes these days?

I'm taking shorter poops but with longer wipes, and there's always this one little line.

I swear to God, it's like there's a crayon down there.

Wait, excuse me for a minute.

Son of a gun, it was a crayon.

Thanks for letting me talk that out, everybody.

(AMPLIFIED): Wikipedia states that

"Toxoplasmosis is a parasitic disease spread by exposure to infected cat feces."

Damn it, Brian, get out of here.

You're scaring away my customers.

They also ring you up on one of those tablets they flip around at you and then glare while you pick from three inflated tip percentages.

You can also choose "no tip."

But that option is, by design, much less prominent.

You're a jerk.

But fine, if it's a fight you want, you got one.

I will squash you like a bug.

Well, that's enough of that show.

But, Dad, we want to see what happens at Christian camp.

All right. But they're on thin ice.


Welcome to Sunrise Woods Bible Camp.

I'm the camp director Vera.

Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins.

Why are all these trees bunched together?

Th-Those are woods, Chris.

I only like rooms.

What a lovely setting.

Yes, the fresh air really helps clear your mind of thoughts of Tom Selleck.

Oh. How frighteningly specific.

Ugh, Mom, this place sucks.

It's even worse than when Dad sent us to 1940s comedy school.

Say, Corporal, what are you writing in your diary?

It's private. Take a look.

Now, that's some good, clean fun.

Also in the 1940s, six million Jews died.

That's it, we're done.

This show is not for the Bugsteins.

Good evening. Quite a battle brewing...

Clever news pun, doesn't really work as I haven't yet mentioned the subject of the story... At Quahog's new cat café.

Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa filed this report.

Tom, I'm standing here outside of Quahog's new cat café.

Local resident Brian Griffin has described the café as a threat to public health.

That's right, Tricia. And since I'm on local TV, (LOUDER): I'm gonna talk a little too loud, and then occasionally I'm gonna turn away

(QUIETER): from the microphone to point at things off-camera, (LOUDER): so my overall point is lost.

Powerful claims. Thank you, Brian.

Okay, Brian, I brought everything we need: water, sunscreen, (QUIETLY): Fruit Roll-Ups, batteries. Stewie, you know you're not allowed to have Fruit Roll-Ups.

Damn, I tried to bury it in there.

What are you even wearing?

Oh, this is what Princess Diana wore to protest land mines.

It's sad she's not around to watch her son go bald.

Brian, I'm glad you're here.

Based on the various public health concerns you raised, the city has decided to shut this establishment down.

Really? You're closing the café?

That's right. Thanks to you, I'm out of business.

I certainly hope you're happ... Oh, nice top, Stewie.

Come on, lock it up.

Until the Board of Health gives the okay, you're done.

Wow, I actually got the place shut down.

I'm glad I was here for this, Brian.

We've hardly done anything together since we made that fiber commercial and had to use code words for pooping.

Wow, Brian, I've never felt so regular.

Yes, you seem exceptionally active while maintaining proper body health. That's right.

Just two spoonfuls a day to stay regular and active.

More coffee, Stewie? Yes, please.

Oh, dear, that was a mistake.

(STAMMERS) You mean, you're about to be active?

Currently active.

Cut to the shot of them stirring the product into water!

ANNOUNCER: GurgleMax: Take a massive comfort.


Oh, God!

Oh, there's regular on the carpet!

Ah, there's so much regular!


How are those drawings of Jesus coming?

Okay, a little dark on the hair there.

Let's lighten it up. Lighten it up.

Eyes should be blue.

Remember, history says that Jesus does not look like a traditional man from the Middle East, but rather someone who sells raw milk online.

Okay, let's put those away for now.

I'd like to move on to having you all sign your contracts with God.

Contracts with God?

Yep. It's a written commitment to forgo all alcohol, drugs and self-pleasure.

Yeah, I'm gonna have my lawyer look at this.

I tell you, it's a good day, Stewie.

Now that that cat café is gone, I can finally get back to my favorite bar and do some writing.

Whoa, sorry. Can't let you in there.

What? I come in here all the time.

Well, apparently, due to some recent public health concerns, the city has said that no animals of any kind are allowed in any public establishment.

What?! You got to be kidding me!

Well, that's all right, Brian. We can go to my writing spot.

Brian! Look at my jump! (KIDS LAUGHING)

Look at my jump! Look at my jump!


This place has the best pizza and Pepsi, Brian.

Did you hear me? The best pizza and Pepsi.

Oh, no, my pizza and Pepsi!

Oh, hey, Peter. Come on in. (CATS MEOWING)

Thanks for coming by.

Aw, no problem, buddy. Here, I brought you something.

I figured anyone living alone with 73 cats needs to have a double-XL Minnie Mouse sweatshirt.

Thank you so much.

This won't fit at all; it's perfect.

So, how's it going?

Well, not bad. Got plenty of company.

Well, that's good. I haven't seen you at the Clam.

Well, I've been pretty busy.

So, can I get you something to drink?

Sure. What have you got?

Well, I've got water with cat hair in it.

Eh, anything else?

I've got lemonade with cat hair in it.

Uh, kind of a summer drink. Anything else?

Oh, sure. Cat hair ginger ale?

Nope. Cat hair iced tea?

Uh, again, summer.

You want to just take a look in the fridge, see what I got?


Someone just had kittens in my mouth.

What's up? What are you doing?

Nothing. I'm just sitting here, trying to figure out why we have stupid purple couches.

Have you ever known anyone in your life to own a purple couch?

I would assume Steve Harvey.

That actually sounds right, but-but what is this?

A picture of a mountain?!

When have we ever been to a mountain?!

What mountain even is it? That's Mount Quahog.

Yeah... I don't know, feels made up.

Brian, is this all because you haven't been able to get a drink? I haven't been able to go anywhere.

No dogs allowed in public places.

Yes, I was thinking about that.

What if there was a way for you to go out?

"Emotional support animal"?

Wear this, every place will have to let you in.

So long as I'm with you. Where'd you even get that thing?

The letters are iron-on.

The vest is from when I worked at Office Depot.

One pen? You're buying one pen?


You don't work in an office you can steal this from?

I work from home.


ANNOUNCER: Office Depot. We're coming, Blockbuster.

Mom, we don't really have to get baptized, do we?

No, Meg, just hang towards the back of the line.

CHRIS: Good plan. Chris, stop relieving yourself.

You've got those pee eyes.


Brother Chris.

Do it again.

Sister Lois? Oh, no, thanks.

Y-You'd have no way of knowing this, but I'm actually having a very good hair day.

When my hair gets wet, I tend to look like a frazzled Sandra Bullock from one of her comedies.

My ex-husband had Nazi paraphernalia and he left me.

So I said, "That shirt looks really good on you," and he says, "Thanks, my boyfriend got it for me."

It's like, whoa, all I said was I like the shirt, and he has to drop "boyfriend" like a nuclear bomb?

I mean, that's on him, right? Yeah. I don't know.

Ugh, you're supposed to be giving me emotional support right now.

Let's just get to the bar.

No, no, Brian, say something nice about me right now.

Come on, Stewie, that's not what this is.

It is now. Say something nice about me or I'll disappear like a serial killer in a '90s movie.

Stewie, wait. I need you to get in.

I'm gonna do it.


(MEOWING) Okay, who's ready for some breakf...?

Oh, crap, another one died. Hey, hey, stop eating her!

Get away! Okay, new house rule.

Everyone look at me. Don't eat the dead cats.

Oh. Hey, Quagmire.

We came to see how it's going.

Uh, "how's it going"? I got a dead cat on a pitchfork!

I don't even know which can to put it in!

Trash?! Yard trimmings?! Recycling?!

I just put whatever in whatever.

JOE: Hey, guys! Check it out!

Cat legs! Cats, arise.

Guys! It's working!


I'm not dead!

Okay, we're getting out of this place tonight.

Everyone clear on the plan?

CHRIS: Yep. Meg and I switch faces like in the movie Face/Off? No.

Oh. Then we have an issue.

I told you we should ask Mom first.

Why would you think that?

Ugh... Just, you two follow my lead.

You know, Vera, I've been so moved by my time here at camp, I wonder if I could perhaps say grace tonight?

Oh, that'd be lovely, Lois.

Well, I'd like to begin with a moment of silence.

A fully counted-out, Mississippi, 60-second moment of silence.

And the first one to open their eyes is gay.

(SIGHS) MALE VOICE: Psst. Up here.

My eyes are open, too.

There was something in the air that night

The stars were bright, Fernando

They were shinin' there for you and me

For liberty, Fernando

Though we never thought that we could lose

There's no regret.


Ugh. Good riddance, Christian family camp.

Totally. I will say, though, it seemed like Chris enjoyed himself there.

Well, Meg, you know Chris is (QUIETLY): a little bit dumb, and I know you're not particularly popular or beautiful, but you do have a head on your shoulders.

So religion isn't gonna be for people like you and me.

It's basically for (QUIETLY): stupid people like Chris.

So to summarize, religion for you and me?

No good. But for (QUIETLY): idiots like Chris?

Perfect. What are you guys talking about?

How handsome you are. Really?

Swear to God.

You're a monster.


(MUTTERS) Stupid law. Banning dogs.

Kibbles and bits and bits and bits.

You! You son of a bitch! This is all your fault!

What the...? Ha-ha!



You thirsty, boy? Yeah, you're a thirsty boy.

Wait a minute, we're fighting! (GRUNTS)


And now, time to make my getaway.

Brian, oh, my God! Are you all right?

Here, let me mend you, like in a 1990s action movie.

Aw, thanks. That is better.

Look at us. What are we doing?

(SIGHS) I don't even know anymore.

You know what?

I'm sorry I destroyed your dream, Quagmire.

I know you loved that café.

Wow. Um... thanks, Brian.

Why did you open that place, anyway?

Well... honestly, I just thought that maybe I could put something good in the world for a change.

What do you mean?

I mean that... uh...

I've always been about sex and seducing women, but you know what?

Someday I'm gonna be dead.

And, I-I mean, is that my legacy?

I just thought if I created something that makes people happy, maybe people would remember me for that.

You probably think that's stupid.

Quagmire... I'm here for you.

For emotional support.

Thanks, Brian. What do you say?

You want to go for a walk?

I always want to go for a walk.

Hey, does anyone know what's going on with my brown crayon?

Because it disappeared from the box for a while, and now it's back.

It's a little... I don't know, oily and misshapen?

I'm not a crayon scientist, but it looks like it's seen some heat.

The city repealed a law prohibiting animals from public businesses today.

And finally, tonight...

We built this city! There. Now it's in your head, too.

Well, I'm glad you get to go out in public again, Brian.

I'm glad you, Chris, and Meg are back from that Christian camp.

Hey, where is Meg, anyway?

Oh, she was so mad I dragged her to Christian camp, she ran away to live with a Japanese family.


Damare, Meg!



Family Guy over! On-uh Foxuuu!