Heart Burn (2019)
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Oh, fun! Look, Peter.
Smash Mouth is playing here next weekend.
In Quahog? No, in this porn store.
(SCANNER BEEPS) Well, you caught us.
Lois and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening, and I'm not sure that five percent discount was worth checking in here on Facebook.
Ew, Meg, don't "like" that.
Anyway, to celebrate, we thought it would be fun to recount the three greatest love stories ever told.
We'll begin with the tale of Helen of Troy:
"The face that launched a thousand ships."
Which is the poetic way of saying, "Helen of Troy was thicc, tho."
Which is the Black Twitter way of saying, "She was very attractive."
The people of Troy's chocolate has gotten into our peanut butter.
The people of Greece's peanut butter has gotten all over our chocolate!
We could perhaps try the combined taste, or we could fight to the death.
Guys, stop! The Battle of the Greece's Peanut Butter Cup has gone on too long.
Let us agree to disagree.
Huh, what a pleasantly de-escalating phrase that I'm just now hearing for the first time.
Yes, we will agree to disagree.
The war between the Greeks and the Trojans is over!
Now let's go call a bunch of jagged rocks a beach.
Ooh! Ow! Sharp! Sharp! Sharp!
Man, I'm happy the war is over.
I can't wait to get back to Troy.
Yeah, I'm just gonna plop down with my kids and watch Troy Story.
To the other side of that hill... and beyond!
That's as far as we know about right now.
You know what I just realized?
This. This could be a really long poem.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Helen's in my cabin, and I thought I'd give heterosexual sex a try.
Helen?! What the Hades?!
What? She's hot.
But not as hot as Medusa.
Ah, one look at Medusa, and I'm rock hard.
Coming up, Greek food voted burpiest in the world.
But first, in tragedy news: your queen, Helen, has run off with Paris back to Troy.
This is an outrage!
I'll send my entire army after them, led by my best warriors!
Achilles, ACL, get in here!
What? Helen has run off with Paris!
We're going to get her back and burn Troy to the ground.
Well, that sounds good.
I just need to cancel my lesson with Socrates first.
Isn't he that thinker they keep shuffling around from one philosophy school district to the next?
No, no, he's the one whose method is all about asking questions.
Like what? "Have you ever tried wine?"
"Can you keep a secret?"
"You know this is your fault, right?"
Yeah, he'll... he'll make you question a lot about yourself.
So, we'll sail directly east, and then head north at a 90 degree angle.
It's the fastest possible way I can imagine getting there.
Hang on. Let me see that.
Pythagoras just invented this thing called a "hypotenuse."
If we know this distance and this distance, we can calculate this more direct route.
Wow. Our people are, like, really smart.
I bet Greeks will always be known for their advancements in math and not as cartoon characters with very hairy arms and a tragically mismanaged economy.
Okay, I had a feeling this fortress would be impenetrable, so I've hired the finest builder in Greece to make us a giant wooden horse.
We'll hide inside it, they'll take it in as a gift, and then we spring out and destroy the city.
I call it "the Trojan horse."
Well, that sounds great, but there's another door right here that's just beads.
What? Yeah. Just beads. See?
Oh, boy, this... this is gonna be a difficult phone call.
Let's go! Let's go!
This needs to be done yesterday!
(PHONE RINGING) Hello?
Giant Horse Company, Pay On Delivery, No Deposit Required. Can I help you?
Where the hell is everyone?
Well, they left a note.
It says Helen and Paris went back to the Greek Isles to get married... (GASPS)
And all three of Helen's fathers are going to be there?!
♪ Dancing queen... ♪ They came!
Awesome! And now that we're owned by Disney, we can have Hercules here.
They-they won't let us use him?
What was the point of this whole merger?
Well, who can we use?
No. No. No, you know what? I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted with being told "no."
And now I'm married. Ugh.
I'm gonna go break wieners off statues.
("DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS)
Welcome back. My credit card got declined at the sex store.
We ran off with only the stuff we could keister.
Our next love story is Romeo and Juliet, a 500-year-old tale about horny preteens that society somehow decided is classy and not perverted, even though two middle schoolers bang in it. Enjoy.
Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona where we lay our scene.
Well, I'd say Verona's better than fair.
They's gettin' a Shake Shack this summer.
Ooh, milkshakes and crinkly fries.
Gonna have myself a pooch-belly if I's not careful.
I'm sorry, y'all.
I done chatterboxed my way through the whole prologue.
Boy, this is nice.
Will there ever be a more popular Italian city than Verona? I don't know.
Are we even supposed to be at this party?
If they find out we're Montagues, they might razz us!
Relax. No one's gonna recognize us.
We got inch-wide masks over just our eyes, with the rest of our faces plainly visible.
You wanted to see me, Daddy?
Juliet, honey, we need to talk.
You're a grown woman now, and it's time for you to get married.
Grown woman?! Daddy, I'm 13.
Shh. Uh, don't say that. Tell people you're 11!
Do you want to get married or not?!
Now, I found you the most eligible bachelor in all of Italy.
He's from the Boyardee family. Kind of a big deal.
My family makes the best canned sugar pastas in all the land.
Are you out of breath from saying one sentence?
Just give me a second.
I'm in the midst of a full-on, lockdown sodium headache.
I haven't peed for 36 hours.
Now, fair Juliet, let our houses join together, like beef... and roni.
♪ ♪ Ah, cool!
What... what is that?
It says "hole."
I don't get it.
You wrote "butt."
I'll... I'll come over there.
Hey, there's something I want you to see.
Some greaseball at the bar just drew a guy in a circle.
It's amazing. He's this, and then he's this.
You-you just... y-you got to come see it!
Romeo, we got to get out of here!
Tybalt found out we're Montagues, and he's pissed.
Oh, man, I-I must have amnesia or something, 'cause I don't (BLEEP) remember inviting you guys.
Who are you here with? Uh... Tony?
Gonna have to do better than that, man.
Lot of Tonys here.
Oh, did I say "Tony"?
I-I meant... I'm Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.
You're Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago?
(PHONE RINGING) Hello?
JOE: Yes, I'm looking for Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.
Heavyset fellow, glasses.
Oh, w-well, he's right here.
Let me just... Wait a minute!
We don't have phones or Chicago!
All right, you got to die.
Enough! You three, out of my house!
I will not play host to some family feud!
(FAMILY FEUD THEME PLAYING)
100 people surveyed.
Top five answers are on the board.
Name something you might say to a damned spot.
Good answer! Good answer! Ah, good answer, good answer.
Yeah, yeah, good answer. Show me "out"!
What?! That's impossible!
Romeo, name something you might say to a damned spot.
What?! I know this audience.
Of course it was "hello." Of course it was.
(HARPSICHORD PLAYING "IN YOUR EYES")
Juliet. (DISCORDANT NOTES PLAY)
I know I ain't supposed to be here, but I just had to see you again.
Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
I... What-what... what are you talking about?
I'm right here. You're looking right at me.
You know what? I'll come up there.
Romeo, we can't. (GRUNTING)
What if my father sees us?
And "wherefore" means "why," by the way, not "where."
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
That's stupid. You're stupid.
Juliet, I know we just met, but when I look at you, I feel something special.
This is gonna sound crazy, but... will you marry me?
Okay, let's do it.
I love you, Romeo.
I love you, too, Juliet.
I should probably let you know I have a lot of Jack Skellington tattoos.
Well, I wish you would have told me that before, but that's okay, because I do karate outside against no one.
Yeah, this is gonna be a good marriage.
There he is!
There's the dumb-ass I've been looking for.
(GRUNTS) I could never say this when I was alive, but...
(GRUNTING) Oh, God.
I'm voiding my bowels right now because I died, not 30 minutes ago in the carriage on the way here.
Welp, we all know how this goes.
I'm doin' it!
Oh, Friar Laurence, are you absolutely sure faking my death with this poison is the best plan?
Well, there's also Herbalife, which is an amazing product.
And I think you, specifically, would make a great addition to our team.
I-I'll take the poison. Thank you, Friar.
A-And since I'm picking up a prescription, can I, uh, pay for the rest of my items here?
Uh, I-I guess.
Oh, (SIGHS) yourself.
I'm afraid she's dead.
You can tell by her shallow breathing and weak but clear heartbeat.
I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
Can you make a paper airplane?
I can. Then don't be so hard on yourself.
Oh, no! My girlfriend's dead!
And on top of that, it's that time in late summer before football starts and there's no basketball.
I mean, there is baseball, but it's not playoffs.
I might as well just be dead!
(WEAKLY): Children having sex, two murders, double suicide.
Very irresponsible to teach this... in schools.
Stupid. I don't understand.
We had a plan!
Did you think I was dead just because I faked my own death?!
Maybe there's still poison on your lips.
Just Costco hot dog. (SHUDDERS)
Well, a boy I knew for three days is dead.
And on top of that, WNBA season is over, and it's still two months till figure skating starts!
BRUCE: For never was a story of more "Oh, no!" than that of Juliet and her Romeo.
I accidentally farted on a candle at our Eyes Wide Shut party and this happened.
Now, please enjoy Fatal Attraction.
Man, is this a great black toilet loft party or what?
Hey, which line of cocaine is for the bathroom?
I think it's that one. Thanks. I'll be right back.
Dan Gallagher. Confident to meet you.
I'm not gonna be ignored by you, Dan.
No, no. No, no, that's later.
Would you like to dance in silence, because they always add the music in post?
What do you think they'll choose?
♪ You take the good, you take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life, the facts of life. ♪
Now, let's have hot sex in silence, and they'll add the sensuous music in post.
I wonder what music they're gonna add.
(INSPECTOR GADGET THEME PLAYING)
♪ Inspector Gadget ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Inspector Gadget ♪ Well, I'm done.
(THEME CONTINUES PLAYING)
♪ Inspector Gadget ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo... ♪ TV themes were longer back now.
I love our life.
Yeah. It's hard not to root for a rich, white lawyer in the Connecticut suburbs.
Dad, the not cell phone's ringing!
Let's let the new answering machine get it.
(BEEPS) - Hi, you've reached the Gallaghers.
Leave a message for our intact family
- after the beep. (BEEPS)
Hi, Dan. It's Alex Forrest.
I just found out I'm preg...
Now I'm giving you a minute to pick up the phone hastily.
I got it, I got it, I got it! Hello?
Judge Forrest. (QUIETLY): How did you get this number when they deliver a book that has all the numbers?
Dan, look over to the split screen and see how crazy I look.
Eesh. And, also, I'm listening to opera, but I don't know which one, 'cause they'll add it in post.
What do you think they'll choose?
♪ No more Rice Krispies ♪
♪ We ran out of Rice Krispies... ♪
I see it!
How did you get in here?
I slipped the security guard five cocaines.
I told you it's over!
And I told you we need to talk.
Are you sure it's yours?
I am. We can get rid of it.
They won't outlaw abortion until 2019.
No, I'm keeping it!
And one other thing: the baby will not be ignored by you, Dan.
That's a very big thing for you, isn't it?
I need your help.
Alex, the elevator chick, is pregnant.
I don't want to lose my family.
What can I do?
Listen, just call your wife on your numbers-on-the-top car phone, and it'll all be better.
If I were you, Dan, I'd just go home and enjoy your family and rabbit.
Most of these things just boil over.
Usually, our rabbit rushes up to greet me.
Well, time to wash dishes while looking at a lawn, like most housewives.
What in the world?
I better warily approach that pot in silence, knowing they'll add dramatic music in post.
I wonder what they'll choose.
♪ No more Rice Krispies ♪
♪ We ran out of Rice Krispies! ♪
Aw, I was going to kill the rabbit.
All right, listen, Beth, I got something to tell you in front of our kid.
I had an affair. You what?!
I know. It was awesome at the time, and, frankly, I was real close to getting away with it.
But now that there are actual consequences, I got to tell you the truth. Dan, how could you?
Look, it's not my fault.
My plan was to just hide this from you forever.
Also, she's pregnant.
How is that possible?
Well, when a man and a woman like each other just a little and they get in an elevator...
How could I be so blind?!
I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, honey.
But I will say, at least she had a pot of something on the stove when I came home.
Well, now to defog this mirror and see only myself.
Now to fully close the mirror and have no changes.
I'm sorry, Beth.
I have a fatal attraction to your husband.
Ah! She said it! That'll be in the trailer.
I'm gonna do to you what I did to your bunny and your neighbor's cat because I went to the wrong house the first time.
(SIGHS) I love relaxing here with that dry ceiling.
Huh. Wonder if the weather called for living room rain.
WEATHERMAN: Next up, Connecticut, your living room forecast: dry, dry, dry.
(GASPS) That can only mean one thing!
Oh, my God.
It's happening. It's happening.
You deserve to die, because the choices I made are your fault!
All right. She's mostly choked.
Let's just sit on the floor with our backs to the tub.
It's just been revoked.
Hi, I'm Chris Griffin.
I didn't have a lot to do tonight.
But they did say they'd give me one minute at the end of the show to share my favorite love story.
Of course, I chose the classic romantic tale of the love between a young man and pastry, American Pie.
The store was all out of apple, so this one is chicken pot, fresh from the oven.
Here we go.
Ow, the piping hot gravy!
Oh! And one of the peas went inside!
It's so burned, I can't tell what's chicken and what's me!
Oh, God! Not gonna stop though!
Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad, from your teenage son getting busy with a 400-degree pot pie!