Family Guy S18E9 Script

Christmas Is Coming (2019)

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING)

In a one-horse open sleigh Aw, this is one of those weird third-verse-nobody-knows songs.

Winter killed our child

Medicine was rare

He ran outside in his bare feet

And then he died right there Glad that's over. Oh, God, there's four.

Please don't free the slaves

It's a bad idea

They'll try to get back at us

And that'si our biggest fear, oh...

And now, Adam West High School Choir's original Christmas song, "Die Hard."

I see those looks.

Yes, the movie was originally released in summer, but it took place on Christmas Eve, which makes it a Christmas film.

I guess we don't need this for anything.

♪ ♪

(TO TUNE OF "SILENT NIGHT"): ♪ Die Hard

Die Hard

John McClane

And his wife

Yippee-ky-yay, (BLEEP)

Yippee-ky-yay, (BLEEP)

Chris and Meg alert.

Oh. We have to go, uh, call our congressman.

What are they...? Hey, Mr. Quagmire.

Getting ready for the birth of Christ?

Which happened!

Chris. Megan. (MEG BURPS)

Gross. So, how did you like the show?

I-I didn't love it.

H-Hey, have you guys seen that mom who wears a swimsuit for a bra?

She can't come to these.

Her ex-husband has a restraining order against her.

Boy, her stock just keeps going up.

So, Christmas, huh?

You guys must be excited. (BURPS) Ugh, not at all.

It's always disappointing.

Just a reminder of how truly lonely I am.

Hey-hey! Seamus, my man! Oh, hello.

Allow me to introduce you to my son, Woody.

Hey, Woody. Hey.

He's gonna be a new character on the show.

You're barely a character on the show.

More than Woody!

Meg, there's a lot I have to get done here, so I need you to take Stewie to the mall to meet Santa.

Okay. Sure. Great.

Now, why don't you go warm up the car for your little brother?

(DOOR CLOSES) She's gone. Quick!

Let's take the picture for the Christmas card.

(CAMERA SNAPS)

I sent the wrong picture to Walgreens.

♪ ♪

Oh, look, there's all the Jewish kids sitting on the rabbi's lap, where he asks them for something.

I want a new TV, and it can't be a Vizio.

Sony or Samsung only.

And I need it all set up before I turn it on.

I don't want to have to do any of the things!

Okay, little guy. You're up.

So, little boy, what would you like for Christmas?

(BAWLING)

(BAWLING CONTINUES)

What's wrong, little boy?

Don't be scared of Santa.

Come on, Stewie. It's okay.

Just sit on Santa's lap.

Ugh. Some people push their kids to do stuff way too soon.

Do you agree, Doctor Baby-Violin?

(MAN'S VOICE): I really do.

♪ ♪

(STEWIE YELLS)

Is it okay if I just hold him for the picture?

Ho, ho, ho. Of course.

Sit right here, young lady.

Here you go, Stewie. Santa's no one to be scared of.

He's kind and warm. He loves unconditionally, and... and he makes... everyone feel so... so...

Meg, what are you doing?

You look like Mom when she sits on the washing machine.

Now, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?

Shut up, everyone! Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up!

O come, let us adore him

O come, let us adore him

O come, let us adore him... What, uh... Wh-What just happened?

I'll have what she's having.

Okay. She had six well-done hamburger patties jammed into a hard taco shell.

Oh. I just want to feel like that.

Okay. I mean, I can get it for you, but it's a weird order.

The chef was not happy about it.

♪ ♪

(BELLS JINGLING)

Are you ready for me, Meg?

♪ ♪

Are you ready to get up? Huh?

(LOIS'S VOICE): I said it's time to get up.

It's 2:00.

I've never seen you sleep so soundly.

What's going on?

Mom, I think I met someone.

Oh, Meg, that's amazing.

I want to know all about him.

What's his name?

Let's just call him "Beard Boy."

Oh! It's like I'm in Sex with the City.

It all happened so quick, but I really feel something.

Am I crazy? No. Trust your instincts.

You've got to chase this feeling.

Go find Beard Boy.

I will, Mom. I will!

(EXHALES) What was going on in here?

The windows are steamed up like when Subway's making the bread.

Hey. What's going on in here?

We're making the bread, sir.

Good. Now get back to making sandwiches with the shiniest turkey on earth!

ANNOUNCER: Subway. Have it your way.

If your way is very wet.

♪ ♪

Can you pass the milk?

Stewie? Can you pass the milk?

O come, all ye faithful...- MEG: Shut up, everyone!

Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up!

Hey. Pass the milk.

What the hell's going on with you?

I-I haven't slept in two days.

Is this still that Santa thing? Get over it.

You didn't see the things I saw.

O come

All ye faithful... I mean, Santa Claus was bouncing us on his knee.

And it got a little faster, then faster, and the more he bounced, the bigger Meg's eyes got.

It was... it was... Just look at the picture!

Wow. Okay.

Uh, Stewie, I think I know what happened.

I can't tell you explicitly, since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her "Little Mermaid" "Moana."

Oh. Exactly.

Brian, would you hand me the Fat Man's fancy puking hat?

(RETCHING)

God, this hat is deep.

Now, there's my hat. Kids, I'm off to the opera.

This opera stinks.

It was awful, Rupert.

And worst of all, I didn't even get to ask Santa for the Vitamix.

Blender? (CHUCKLES) It's more than a blender.

MEG: Stewie. I'm gonna take you back to the mall to sit on Santa's lap.

Oh, my God, I've got to hide!

How did she find me? That's my best hiding spot. No!

Oh, and by the way, Rupert, after what I saw, I know you've been faking it this whole time.

♪ ♪

Meg, please don't.

Listen, I've got seven dollars in my piggy bank.

It's yours. No? All right, uh, I'll kill Chris.

You want me to kill Chris?

Who do you want me to kill? Chris? No?

Okay. I got it.

Next road show, Stewie and Meg. Promise.

We're off on the road to Ohio. High in the middle and round at both ends!

Meg, I love our road show.

Next. No!

Huh. Something's different.

Hey, uh, Meg? Uh, can you cut that out?

Dad?!

Please don't tell your mother about this.

I took an extra job.

I don't make much money, and Christmas is very expensive.

(EXHALES) Dad? I'm gonna ask you one question, and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life.

Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?

No. Oh, thank God.

Now, Meg, I got a question for you:

Is there really a weight limit for the escalator, or did I just meet some mean kids?

Hey, Peter, let's keep it moving.

Some stockbrokers are gonna throw me into a gong later.

Excuse me. Do you remember the Santa from yesterday?

Lady, I've been thrown head first into so many gongs, I don't remember my own name.

I think he was just a temp. I'd try the Warwick Mall.

Thanks. Stewie, come on.

We're going to the Warwick Mall.

Stewie?

♪ ♪ Chocolate sample.

Again.

Just leave the carton.

Santa's the best. I'm gonna ask for a bike.

I'm also enthusiastic about Santa.

All hail the great Santa Claus.

Yeah. This guy gets it. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Wait a minute. That noise seems negative.

Santa's a good guy 'cause he keeps a list?

You know who else kept a list? Hitler.

My uncle who moved to the Idaho wilderness says Hitler was a great man.

There you are. Come on.

We've got to visit Santa at another mall.

I can't go back to Santa, man! I can't!

Hello again. Hi.

That's the guy that was peeing in the women's bathroom.

Stewie, when this is over, I'm buying you a new toy.

Meg, when this is over, I'm putting rocks in my pockets and walking into the mall fountain.

How much longer is this gonna take?

I don't know. 400 minutes?

One reason I work as a seasonal elf is I'm not great at time estimates.

MALL SANTA: Next. See? 400 minutes.

Even a broken clock is right six times a day.

He's very scared, so I have to sit here with him.

Would you mind bouncing me a little?

Um, okay. I guess I can do that.

Hey, come on, a little harder than that.

Look, I don't feel comf... Please! It's Christmas. Please!

What does... what does that have to do with...

Just do it!

(CRYING): ♪ The itsy-bitsy spider

Went up the water spout... Wait, wait, th-this isn't working.

Were you at the Quahog Mall last night?

No. L-Last night, I was weeping outside my ex-wife's apartment.

I drank too much and went over to yell at her.

Yeah, he's not your guy, Meg.

They said my Santa would be here, and you're not him.

I'm sorry. Story of my life.

I live to disappoint women, apparently.

Well, where is he? Where's my Santa?

I don't know! I need to find him.

He made me a woman!

Where is he?

(GASPING)

He's a phony!

A great, big phony!

Excuse me, ma'am, I'm gonna give you just 600 minutes to get out of here. But you don't understand.

One, two, 600 minutes.

That's it. Security!

What took you so long?

Let me go.

Lady, by the power vested in me by Paul Blart, you are now banned from this mall and every mall in this county.

(GRUNTING): W-Wait. I need my little brother.

Stewie!

Time to sleep in heavenly peace.

(GROANS)

Wow, looks like that baby is all wet.

(LAUGHING)

Classic Woody.

(LAUGHS) This is Woody.

So, you want to tell me why you were assaulting Santa in front of the whole mall?

What about Beard Boy?

Santa is Beard Boy.

You're in love with Santa?

Maybe.

He gave me my first... you know.

He just bounced me on his lap, and the next thing you know, I saw Jimmy Connors. You saw Jimmy Connors.

It happens to every girl their first time.

You'll never see him again, by the way.

I won't? Why not?

I don't know. That's God's trick on women.

It's your first time, followed by a lifetime of diminishing returns.

(SQUEAKING)

I wonder what I'll see on my first time.

I can't let Stewie grow up scared of Santa Claus.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(DEEP VOICE): Ho, ho, ho.

Santa? Is that really you?

Sure is. Well, how'd you get in?

Through the window. It was just unlocked?

Like, anybody can just come through my window at any time?

I really don't like... Forget about that.

I know you're having a tough time.

I just wanted to tell you that everything is fine.

Meg is entering probably the most horny part of her life.

This could just as easily have happened while she was riding a horse or something.

I'm just sorry you had to see it.

Okay. Don't want people just coming in whenever.

Stewie, that Christmas magic you think you lost, it can't just disappear.

I'm still the same guy you've always loved.

Thanks, Santa. I feel better.

Just try to have a good Christmas.

Uh, speaking of that, I want a new dog.

What's wrong with the dog you have?

Eh, he's okay. I just... I just want a new one.

Maybe you can spend more time with the old one before you make any decisions. Nah. Want a new one.

Thanks, Santa. Can you leave from the door?

I'm kind of freaking over the window thing.

Sure.

CHRIS: Oh, my God. Santa?

I want a new dog. BRIAN: Oh, come on!

There you are.

I had a hell of a time finding your room.

Can I come in?

Cigarette? No.

Mind if I have one?

So, you want to talk about this whole Santa's lap thing?

Dad, this stuff, I-I think it's gonna be hard for you to hear.

Oh, don't worry, Meg. I brought this handkerchief to dab my forehead whenever you say something sexual.

So, I'm-I'm sitting on Santa's lap... Oh, dear.

And it's like my whole body starts to tingle.

Oh, my stars.

And-and then there's, like, a-a deep...

I better loudly drop an Alka-Seltzer in this glass of water.

(FIZZING) Very loud fizzing.

I-I may need to widen my eyes until they look like a young girl's Snapchat filter.

Like, sort of a-a warm steam iron?

Okay. It's okay, Meg.

Look, this Santa person clearly made you very happy.

And I want my daughter to be happy.

Go find your mall Santa, wherever he is.

I love you, Dad.

And thanks for the pep talk.

Hey, I learned from the best.

You know, I played football for Coach Joe Paterno at Penn State.

All right, team, remember everything you learned in practice this week and forget everything after practice this week.

Break. (CHEERING)

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

♪ ♪

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

Oh, what fun in a one-horse open sleigh

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open

Sleigh ♪ ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've got to get in there.

Sorry, sweetie. It's Christmas Eve.

Mall Quiet on the Western Front closed 900 minutes ago.

Oh, no.

Do you have a big cup I can pee in for my ride home?

Take my mostly done Jamba Juice.

And merry Christmas.

(SLURPING, BELCHES)

Wow. There was more in there than I thought.

SANTA: Meg? Santa?

Yes, Meg. It's me, Santa.

Oh, my God, there's a bench right over there.

Quick, let me sit on your leg.

No, that's not what I'm here for.

Yes, it is. Now, sit down.

Meg, no. Meg, no. Get off.

Geez, I'm trying to give you a heartwarming message of Christmas joy.

You know, the same feeling you got when you were five and I gave you that Malibu Barbie?

How did you know that?

I told you. I'm the real Santa.

I try to visit every mall at least once during Christmas.

Except Long Island malls.

Those people are a little much.

Oh, no.

I can't believe I, you know, grew up all over you.

It's okay, Meg. You see, I know what each and every person needs for Christmas.

For you, it was your first time seeing Jimmy Connors.

But the truth is, it had nothing to do with me.

The Christmas magic lives in there.

And as long as you believe, it'll always be with you.

Deep inside.

Inside my... Wherever you find it, yes.

Thanks, Santa.

You're welcome, Meg.

Well, I'm off to distribute presents to boys and girls all over the world.

All right, I'm gonna put my leg up on this back tire and take a she-wee.

You know, you don't have to say everything out loud, Meg.

Wait, are you sure you're the real Santa Claus?

Yes, I'm the real Santa Claus.

I'm totally real, so don't tell anyone about this and don't say anything to anyone.

Merry Chris...

Damn it. (ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Come on.

I... I-I really got to go behind the car.

♪ ♪

Whoa! (GONG CLANGS)

(LAUGHTER)


Meg?

Hi. Merry Christmas.

I'm tennis bad boy Jimmy Connors.

How did you get in here?

I came in through your baby's window.

You can just open it.

STEWIE: Men are now just coming in at will!

I heard you had a pretty confusing Christmas.

Yeah, it's tough being a teenager, dealing with all these new emotions and feelings and streaming platforms.

I remember when I was your age, I was confused, too.

Then I got a haircut that I'd keep for 50 years.

You've just got to find your one thing that works.

You mean a haircut like this?

Meg, I think you're gonna be just fine.

But just in case, here. I want you to have these.

Your balls? That's right.

Whenever you need me, just rub my balls, and I'll come.

O come, ye

O come, ye, to Bethlehem. Good night.