Family Guy S4E13 Script

Jungle Love (2005)

♪ IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪

♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV ♪

♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪

♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO ♪

♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US ♪

♪ LAUGH AND CRY ♪

♪ HE'S... A... FAM... ILY... GUY! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF  DEADWOOD.

ANYTHING YET?

NOPE. YOU?

NOPE.

ANNOUNCER: NEXT  DEADWOOD.

CHRIS, WHAT ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP FOR?

THESE ARE MY BACK-TO-SCHOOL CLOTHES.

I START HIGH SCHOOL TOMORROW!

OH, BOY, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THE FRESHMAN HUNT.

YEAH, THAT'S WHERE SENIORS HUNT DOWN FRESHMEN AND NAIL THEM WITH PADDLES.

AW, MAN, REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN THAT WAS, BEATING THOSE FRESHMEN SILLY?

(  ALL LAUGHING ) OH, YEAH.

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS, ARE YOU?

CHRIS, I'M JUST AS SERIOUS AS I WAS WHEN I SAW PAUL REISER DO STAND-UP.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE FOOD?

I MEAN, IS THIS STUFF BAD, OR WHAT?

AW, THAT'S NOT NICE.

THOSE CHEFS WORK REALLY HARD.

AND WHAT'S WITH THOSE STARBUCKS? HUH?

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

UH, A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT COFFEE.

THAT'S SUPPLY AND DEMAND.

IT'S THE FOUNDATION OF OUR ENTIRE ECONOMY, PAUL.

AND WHO DO I TALK TO ABOUT THOSE LONG LINES AT THE ATM?

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.

UH, NOT ME, MR. REISER.

SOMEONE WHO HAS TIME TO FRITTER AWAY, BUT NOT ME.

PETER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOREVER, AND YOU PROMISED ME YOU WERE GOING OUT TO LOOK FOR A JOB TODAY.

OH, UH, OKAY.

I'LL GO LOOK FOR A JOB, LOIS.

OH, WHAT IS THIS?

THE LATEST  REDBOOK.

IS SHE GONE?!

OH, THEM AND THEIR SQUABBLING.

ALTHOUGH I SUPPOSE THEY'RE NOT THE FIRST COUPLE TO HAVE PROBLEMS.

DID YOU HAVE A NICE DAY?

IT WAS OKAY.

YOU KNOW, OUR SON GOT INTO YOUR CLOSET TODAY.

UH... OKAY.

AH, ANYTHING... ANYTHING IN THERE, MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED HIM TO SEE?

NO.

REALLY?

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DIRTY PICTURES IN THERE?

NO. (  SCOFFS )

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN... THESE?!

SO WHAT? SO I HAVE SOME PAINTINGS.

IS THIS HOW YOU WANT ME TO LOOK?

OH, COME ON, KAREN.

DO YOU HATE YOUR BODY SO MUCH YOU HAVE TO REDUCE EVERY PAINTING OF THE FEMALE FORM TO PORNOGRAPHY? DON'T DO THAT, GARY.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. DON'T MAKE THIS MY FAULT.

IT IS YOUR FAULT.

(  ARGUING OVERLAPPING )

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? WHAT?

THIS IS ABOUT YOUR DISRESPECT FOR ME, OH, COME ON.

...THIS FAMILY, AND EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR.

OH, WHAT WE STAND FOR?

WHO ARE WE, THE GORAKS NOW? (  GROANS )

OH, SUDDENLY, YOU'RE CYNTHIA GORAK?

THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT?

YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE CYNTHIA GORAK.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? AT LEAST CYNTHIA GORAK'S HUSBAND CARES ABOUT HER FAMILY. (  GROANS )

OH, I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

OH, OKAY, IT'S OVER NOW BECAUSE YOU SAY IT IS.

OH, WAY TO GO KAREN.

YOU'VE SOLVED ALL OUR PROBLEMS BY JUST WALKING AWAY.

AND IT'S SO OBVIOUS I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FAMILY.

I JUST KILLED A 700-HUNDRED POUND TIGER WITH A STICK AND A ROCK!

THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A MAN, GARY!

HERE WE GO.

HERE'S ACT TWO OF THE PERFORMANCE.

KAREN PRETENDS TO LEAVE HOME FOR THE 20TH TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT, KAREN?

GO! I'M NOT GONNA STOP YOU.

JUST GO.

GET OUT, GET THE HELL OUT!

SCREW YOU, GARY!

OH, YEAH, IF YOU DID THAT MORE OFTEN, MAYBE I WOULDN'T NEED THESE PAINTINGS!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

I SAY, ANYBODY LISTEN TO HOWARD STERN THIS MORNING?

HE HAD SOME STRIPPERS IN THE STUDIO.

THEY SOUNDED HOT.

THEN HE MADE A JOKE ABOUT A NEGRO, BUT ROBIN LAUGHED, SO IT WAS OKAY.

UH, I THINK I'M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING.

CHRIS, RELAX.

THE FRESHMAN HUNT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST.

IT'S JUST A MYTH TO SCARE FRESHMEN.

REALLY?

OH, BOY, THAT'S A RELIEF.

NOW, HAVE A GOOD DAY AT SCHOOL, SWEETIE.

(  HONKS HORN )

FRESHMAN!

(  TIRES SCREECHING )

(  YELLING )

FRESHMAN.

(  YELLING )

HO-HO, I GOT YOU, YOU FRESHMAN!

I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU THE LESSON THAT IT IS NOT OKAY TO BE A FRESHMAN.

(  SHOUTS )

ALL RIGHT, MR. GRIFFIN.

"JOBS YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE SUITED FOR."

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

"COWBOY, ASTRONAUT, WARLOCK, MORE-POWERFUL ASTRONAUT, BEER EXPERT."

YEAH, AND I NEED SOMETHING THAT PAYS MORE THAN MY LAST JOB AS SANDY DUNCAN'S GLASS EYE.

PETER: HEY, HEY, SANDY.

SANDY. OH! WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU BUYING?

(  SIGHS ) SOME BREAKFAST CEREAL.

OH, DON'T GET THAT; THAT'S A BAD CEREAL.

GET SOME OF THE BOO BERRY.

HUH. TURNS OUT THERE'S A JOB OPENING AT THE PAWTUCKET BREWERY.

WOW, THIS SOUNDS EVEN BETTER THAN WHEN I GOT PAID TO TAKE PART IN THAT STUDY.

HMM, THE ONLY ONE WHO COULDN'T FINISH THE PUZZLE IS THE FAT ONE.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR HERE.

LET ME LOOK AT...

OH, IT'S A JAR OF PRESERVES.

OH.

YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT ALL THE RED PIECES WERE, AH.

HEY, CHRIS.

WAS SCHOOL ANY BETTER TODAY?

NO! I HATE IT!

I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK!

OH, COME ON, IT'LL GET BETTER.

YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND YOUR PLACE.

LET'S GO, STEWIE.

TIME TO CHANGE YOUR DIAPER.

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL AT ALL.

WORST CASE SCENARIO, I'LL CARVE OUT A NICHE AS THE EFFEMINATE MALE FRIEND OF THE POPULAR GIRLS.

OKAY, TONIGHT'S MY  O.C. PARTY.

I GOT A CASE OF WINE COOLERS, SO WE CAN DRINK EVERY TIME RYAN SEETHES.

COOL. I'D LOVE TO COME. ME, TOO.

HOW'D YOU GET THE WINE COOLERS?

OH, LISTEN, I JUST DID SOME STUFF FOR A GUY IN THE PARKING LOT.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SCOPE?

I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE SAYS.

I'M NEVER GOING BACK!

LOOK, YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS, CHRIS.

THAT'S WHAT I TRIED TO DO.

I JOINED THE PEACE CORPS, AND A DAY LATER, I WAS TWO CONTINENTS AWAY.

REALLY? YEP.

BUT 6,000 MILES AND ALL THE DOPE I COULD SMOKE STILL COULDN'T SEPARATE ME FROM MY PROBLEMS.

AND THIS WAS GOOD DOPE.

I MEAN, IT WAS GROWING EVERYWHERE.

OH, MY GOD, THIS ONE TIME, THIS ONE TIME, WE GOT SO BAKED, WE ENDED UP EATING ALL THE FOOD THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION HAD AIRLIFTED IN.

MAN, THOSE VILLAGERS WERE SO PISSED.

THEY TRIED TO CHASE US, BUT LET ME JUST SAY, THANK GOD FOR POLIO.

ANYWAY, MY POINT IS THAT...

HUH.

HEY, IS PETER HERE?

I WANT TO RE-HIRE HIM.

MY NEW EYE ISN'T WORKING OUT.

HEY, WHEAT THINS, TAKE YOUR TOP OFF!

♪ I LIKE PANCAKES, I LIKE PANCAKES ♪

♪ THEY MAKE ME A HAPPY PETER ♪

♪ I AM HAPPY, I AM HAPPY ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA. ♪ PETER, YOU SEEM HAPPY THIS MORNING. YOU BET!

I'M STARTING MY NEW JOB AT THE BREWERY.

FINALLY, I'M ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO CAN'T WAIT TO GET TO WORK IN THE MORNING, LIKE A DAIRY COW.

(  SQUIRTING ) (  SCREAMING )

OH, YES!

YES!

OOH!

PETER, I JUST FOUND THIS NOTE IN CHRIS'S ROOM!

HE RAN AWAY TO JOIN THE PEACE CORPS!

OH, MY GOD, GIVE ME THAT.

NO, THAT.

(  GIGGLING )

(  GIGGLING CONTINUES )

OH! OH! DUMB!

I'M BORED WITH IT NOW.

PETER, CHRIS RAN OFF TO SOUTH AMERICA!

WELL, WHERE THE HELL WOULD HE GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

WAIT A SECOND...

DON'T WE KNOW SOMEONE WHO WAS IN THE PEACE CORPS?

YEAH, WHO WAS THAT?

WAS THAT BEAU BRIDGES?

DO WE KNOW BEAU BRIDGES?

NO, WE DON'T, BUT I'M POSITIVE WE KNOW SOMEBODY WHO WAS IN THE PEACE CORPS.

LOOK, IT'S ME, ALL RIGHT?!

HE GOT THE IDEA FROM ME!

BRIAN, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE.

AND BEFORE YOU FLY OFF THE HANDLE, YOU MAY WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

THE KID'S OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED.

THIS MIGHT BE GOOD FOR HIM.

PEOPLE DO CRAZY THINGS WHEN THEY'RE CONFUSED.

LIKE THE TIME MY AGENT DROPPED THAT BOMB ON ME.

NO ONE IN THIS TOWN WILL HIRE YOU.

OH, YEAH?

(  THEME SONG FROM TOOTSIE  PLAYING )

(  HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ): TAXI.

TAXI.

(  DEEP VOICE ): TAXI!

ALL RIGHT, CHRIS, WE'RE APPROACHING YOUR ASSIGNED VILLAGE.

TELL THE PEOPLE TO WORK TOGETHER AND DRINK CLEAN WATER.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, THE WORD "COLORED"

STILL FLIES DOWN THERE, SO GET YOUR FILL.

(  SCREAMING )

HELLO.

I AM CHIEF OLEKI.

WELCOME TO MY VILLAGE.

OUR AIR IS CLEAN, OUR FOOD IS BOUNTIFUL, AND OUR WATER IS CAFFEINE FREE.

NEVER HAD IT... (  LAUGHS )

NEVER WILL.

THIS IS MY DAUGHTER, LOCA.

MY SON, HIDALGO, AND MY COUSIN VINNY.

(  NEW YORK ITALIAN ACCENT ): HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

GIVE ME A WORD, ANY WORD AT ALL, AND I'LL PRONOUNCE IT FUNNY FOR A NICKEL.

(  PHONE RINGS )

HELLO?

HI, MOM.

(  GASPS ) CHRIS!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!

AW, CHRIS, BUDDY, THANK GOD YOU'RE OKAY.

HI, DAD!

HEY, THIS HAS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY:

WHO WAS THE CHICK ON  REMINGTON STEELE?

HELLO?

STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST?

NO, STEWIE GRIFFIN. WHO'S THIS?

AH, THANK YOU.

CHRIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?

RELAX, MOM. I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.

YOU PEOPLE KNOCKED ME OFF THE MODEM!

WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?

HOW'S THE FOOD IN SOUTH AMERICA?

DO THE WOMEN THERE HAVE EXPOSED CLITORATI?

I'LL BE HOME IN A MONTH AFTER PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN I'M A FRESHMAN.

WELL, PLEASE JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, HONEY.

HEY, GUYS, IS EVERYONE ON THE PHONE?

OH, I GOTTA GO. SOMETHING'S IN THE OVEN.

I LOST A SHOE.

NO, NO, DON'T LEAVE ME ON THE PHONE WITH HER! STEWIE?

(  SING-SONG ): HEY, HOW'S SCHOOL?

HI, STEWIE!

LISTEN, I AM SWAMPED, BUT, UH, MOM HAS KEPT ME UP TO DATE ON EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING, AND I THINK IT'S JUST GREAT.

HANGING UP NOW.

PETER: BOY, THIS PLACE SURE HAS CHANGED SINCE PAWTUCKET PAT SOLD IT.

SO THIS IS WHERE YOU'LL BE WORKING, MR. GRIFFIN.

OH, AND I SHOULD MENTION, EMPLOYEES ARE WELCOME TO FREE PAWTUCKET ALE.

WE JUST ASK THAT YOU DON'T DRINK DURING YOUR SHIFT.

THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM, SIR.

GREAT. WELL, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR ID BADGE.

MR. GRIFFIN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PANTS?!

(  SLURRED ): OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE, MR. "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES."

COME HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

(  SOBBING )

WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE?!

(  SOBBING INTENSELY )

OH, I WONDER HOW YOUR FATHER'S FIRST DAY AT WORK WENT?

(  HONKING HORN )

DAD?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

(  SLURRED ): UH, YEAH, HEY BUDDY.

I'LL HAVE A TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER, AND A LARGE FRIES.

AND, UH, DO YOU SELL PANTS?

HEY, MEG, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BEER CANS?

OH, MY DAD GOT A JOB AT THE BREWERY, AND HE GETS LOTS OF FREE BEER.

ACTUALLY, HE'S KIND OF BEEN GOING OVERBOARD LATELY.

OH, MY GOD!

HEY, MEG, YOU SEEN MY PANTS?

OH, LOIS, BY THE WAY, WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

(  SNORING )

CHRIS, THANK YOU FOR HELPING BRING WATER TO MY VILLAGE.

YOU'RE A HERO.

NO, LOU GEHRIG WAS A HERO.

EXCELLENT. AS SOON AS I RELEASE THIS BIOLOGICAL TOXIN INTO THE WORLD'S WATER SUPPLY, I WILL RULE THE WORLD.

I'LL CALL IT LOU GEHRIG'S DISEASE.

I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER TO MAKE SURE THIS CAP IS SCREWED ON TIGHT.

(  BOTTLE SHATTERS )

WELL, I GUESS THE JOKE'S ON ME.

THIS IS A GIFT FROM ALL OF US.

GO AHEAD, TRY IT ON.

MM, OKAY.

OH, MY, CHRIS, WE CAN SEE YOUR GENITALS.

(  SCREAMS )

(  CHUCKLING )

JUST KIDDING.

EVERYONE'S GENITALS ARE HANGING OUT.

REALLY?

(  LAUGHS ): WOW!

THIS IS JUST LIKE BIBLE CAMP, ONLY I'M NOT CRYING AND TRYING TO PRETEND I'M SOMEWHERE ELSE.

MR. GRIFFIN, SINCE YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR DRINKING, YOU'VE BEEN DEMOTED TO THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.

AW, COME ON!

THIS IS YOUR NEW SUPERVISOR, ANGELA.

MR. GRIFFIN, WE HAVE DIFFERENT RULES HERE.

FOR STARTERS, NO DRINKING, PERIOD.

WE START WORK AT 7:00 A.M. SHARP.

THIS IS YOUR COWORKER, OPIE.

HE IS A BURDEN OF THE STATE DEEMED UNFIT FOR MAINSTREAM SOCIETY.

HE IS YOUR SUPERIOR.

(  UNINTELLIGIBLE BABBLING )

WHAT DID HE SAY? HE SAID HE WANTS YOU TO PUT YOUR FINGER IN HIS MOUTH.

IF YOU VALUE YOUR JOB, I'D DO IT.

OW!

HE BIT ME!

MR. GRIFFIN, ALTHOUGH I MAY NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND OPIE'S MANAGEMENT STYLE, HE HAS PROVEN HIMSELF A MORE COMPETENT EMPLOYEE THAN YOU, SO IN MY ABSENCE, YOU WILL LISTEN TO HIM.

(  UNINTELLIGIBLE BABBLING )

AW, COME ON, GUY.

(  INSISTENT BABBLING )

(  GROANS )

OW! OW! OH! OH! DAMN IT!

OH, THIS IS WORSE THAN BEING KEVIN FEDERLINE'S MAGIC MIRROR.

MAGIC MIRROR, HOW CAN I LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE BAG TODAY?

WELL, KEVIN, UM, I WOULD SAY, FIRST OF ALL, DON'T SHAVE OR SHOWER.

OKAY, I WON'T.

AND, UH, YOU JUST GOT OUT OF BED, RIGHT?

YEAH. UH, I WOULD SAY JUST GO AHEAD AND WEAR THAT TANK TOP ALL DAY.

UM, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE COVERED THE HYGIENE, NO COLLARED SHIRTS, UM...

OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO WALK AROUND WITH AN UNDESERVED SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.

(  TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )

CHRIS, THE FESTIVAL OF THE HARVEST IS A TIME OF CELEBRATION FOR MY PEOPLE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?

SURE. NO ONE'S EVER ASKED ME TO DANCE BEFORE.

TRIBESMEN: ♪  I WANNA JITTERBUG ♪

♪  JITTERBUG ♪

♪ YOU PUT THE BOOM-BOOM INTO MY HEART ♪

♪  DOO-DOO ♪ ♪ YOU SEND MY SOUL SKY HIGH WHEN YOUR LOVIN' STARTS ♪

♪  JITTERBUG ♪ ♪ INTO MY BRAIN ♪

♪  YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ GOES A BANG-BANG-BANG 'TIL MY FEET DO THE SAME ♪

♪ WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO ♪

♪ DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING ON LIKE A YO-YO ♪

♪ WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO ♪

♪ AND TAKE ME DANCING TONIGHT ♪

♪  DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO! ♪ THIS IS A JOYOUS OCCASION.

YOU HAVE ENGAGED THE ENTIRE TRIBE IN DANCE.

ACCORDING TO OUR CUSTOMS, YOU ARE NOW MARRIED TO MY DAUGHTER.

I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

WELL, IF YOU'RE HAPPY, THEN I'M HAPPY, 'CAUSE AFTER ALL...

WHA...T?

MY JOB SUCKS.

I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS SCROUNGIN' AROUND ON THE BOTTOM RUNG OF SOCIETY, GETTING KICKED AROUND BY THE MAN...

LIKE WHEN I WORKED IN THAT LAB WITH DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW.

ME-ME, ME-ME-ME-ME-ME!

ME-ME-ME-ME- ME-ME-ME!

(  CHUCKLES ): AGREED, PETER.

OH, WE GOT A LETTER FROM CHRIS!

OKAY, HE SAYS HE'S DOIN' GREAT, HAVIN' A WONDERFUL TIME.

HE MET A GIRL!

HE GOT MARRIED?

HE SAYS HE'S NOT COMING BACK.

PILOT (  OVER P.A. ): WE'LL BE LANDING IN SOUTH AMERICA SHORTLY.

PLEASE BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELTS.

OH, HEY, BRENDA.

WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR ME, COFFEE?

DAMN, YOUR ASS LOOKS HOT.

OH, IS THIS THING ON?

I DON'T CARE. I WANT 'EM TO HEAR.

OH, CHRIS, MY BABY.

I TOLD YOU, PETER, I NEVER SHOULD'VE LET HIM OUT OF MY STOMACH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE CHRIS GOT MARRIED.

MM, THIS IS BIGGER NEWS THAN WHEN I TOURED EUROPE WITH THAT MUSICAL RENDITION OF "MY LEFT FOOT."

♪ MY LEFT FOOT ♪

♪ ALWAYS BEEN BETTER THAN THE RIGHT ONE ♪

♪ MY LEFT FOOT ♪

♪ ALWAYS GETS ME WHERE I NEED TO GO... ♪

I'LL START OUT EASY.

LITTLE MORE COMPLEX.

OH, CHRIS! MY BABY!

HI, MOM AND DAD!

EVERYBODY, THIS IS MY WIFE, LOCA.

WE'RE MARRIED.

(  AWKWARD LAUGH ): WELL, MAYBE HERE, BUT NOT IN AMERICA, WHERE GOD PAYS ATTENTION.

NOW GET YOUR THINGS TOGETHER. WE'RE LEAVIN' RIGHT NOW.

M-MOM, I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I'M-I'M HAPPY HERE.

THIS IS MY HOME.

HEY, UH, YOU GUYS GOT AN ATM?

I ONLY GOT $37 ON ME.

(  VILLAGERS GASPING )

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THEM?

WE'VE NEVER SEEN THAT MUCH MONEY BEFORE.

YOU ARE THE RICHEST MAN IN THE COUNTRY.

RICHEST MAN IN THE COUNTRY?

WOW, NO GRIFFIN'S BEEN THIS POWERFUL SINCE MY ANCESTOR, KING ARTHUR GRIFFIN.

OH, ARTHUR, IF YOU ARE ABLE TO DRAW THE SWORD FROM THE STONE AND PROVE TO ME YOU TRULY ARE THE SOLE KING OF CAMELOT, I WILL MAKE LOVE TO YOU RIGHT HERE IN THE CLEARING.

WHAT IF I COULD JUST MOVE IT AN INCH, WILL YOU TOUCH ME?

BRIAN: THIS IS AMAZING.

YOU'VE GOT THE BIGGEST HUT IN THE VILLAGE AND ALL THESE SERVANTS, AND YOU'VE ONLY SPENT $1.50.

WELL, THAT'S A HELL OF A LOT LESS THAN I HAD TO SPEND TO GO SEE THAT PIECE OF CRAP REMAKE OF  BEWITCHED.

GUESS WHAT? I'M A WITCH.

GUESS WHAT? I'M A CLIPPERS FAN.

(  AUDIENCE LAUGHING )

MM-HMM.


MAN (  OVER P.A. ): YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE...

(  BELL RINGS )

(  CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES )

(  DOORBELL RINGS )

HELLO?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

PETER, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WE CAME HERE TO TAKE CHRIS HOME.

WHY ARE WE STAYING?

'CAUSE I'M TIRED OF BEIN' TREATED LIKE CRAP AT WORK.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME?

I'M SOMEBODY HERE.

FINALLY, A WHITE MAN HAS AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE RICH AND IN CHARGE.

HEY, PESCI, HERE'S A NICKEL. SAY "YUGOSLAVIA."

YUGOSLAVIA.

(  LAUGHING )

HERE'S A DIME. KILL PESCI.

THE NATIVE MAN IS AN IMPRESSIVE PHYSICAL SPECIMEN.

LOOK CLOSELY AT HIS SINEWY, MUSCULAR FORM AND UNUSUAL VITALITY.

IT IS A THRILL TO WATCH HIM DIG A DITCH, OR LIFT A JUG OF WATER, OR PARTICIPATE IN THE HUNT.

CUT. PRINT. GAY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, PETER PAID THE VILLAGERS TO RE-ENACT "THE CONTEST" EPISODE OF  SEINFELD.

I AM OUT.

HUH?

I AM OUT.

I HAVE PLEASURED MYSELF.

(  IMITATING SEINFELD TRANSITION MUSIC )

DAD, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THESE PEOPLE.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, THE WOMAN PLAYING ELAINE IS A HIGH PRIESTESS!

YOU CAN'T SPARE ONE SQUARE?!

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT FROM YOU.

I'M THE RICHEST GUY IN TOWN!

DAD, DON'T YOU SEE?

THIS IS A WONDERFUL PLACE, AND YOU'RE JUST USING IT TO ESCAPE FROM YOUR PROBLEMS AT HOME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? MEG'S RIGHT THERE.

BUT, CHRIS, HONEY, AREN'T YOU DOING THE SAME THING?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN YOU JUST CAME HERE BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING PICKED ON AT SCHOOL.

YOU'RE USING THESE PEOPLE TO ESCAPE YOUR PROBLEMS.

OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MARRIED THIS 11-YEAR-OLD GIRL FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS!

I'M SORRY, LOCA.

I GUESS I JUST CAME HERE BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF BEING A FRESHMAN.

FRESHMAN?!

VILLAGERS (  CHANTING ): FRESHMAN! FRESHMAN! FRESHMAN!

I GUESS YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS ANYWHERE!

JOCK, START THE ENGINE!

GET THE PLANE UP!


UH, PETER, I THINK WE FORGOT MEG.