Family Guy S4E14 Script

PTV (2005)

THIS IS A MESSAGE TO ALL AMERICAN INFIDELS.

PREPARE TO DIE IN A SEA OF HOLY FIRE.

YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR DECADENT WAYS ON THE FIRST DAY OF RADAMAN.

YOU...

(ALL LAUGHING)

WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE. DID I JUST SAY...

WHAT DID I SAY? "RADAMAN"?

(STAMMERING)

RAMADAN.

RADAMAN. WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS...

YEAH, MAYBE DENNIS "RADAMAN" IS GONNA PUNISH YOU WITH HIS CRAZY HAIR.

NO? MAN: OSAMA.

WHAT'S THAT? RIGHT, RIGHT. YEAH, NO. OKAY, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO AGAIN. OKAY.

THIS IS A MESSAGE TO ALL...

(LAUGHING)

I'M NOT-- I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO DO IT NOW.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. I GOT TO GET ALL THE...

I GOT TO GET ALL THE LAUGHS OUT. OKAY?

I GOT TO GET ALL THE LAUGHS OUT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. MAN: TODAY SOMETIME.

STOP MAKING THAT FACE OVER THERE!

(ALL LAUGHING) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I CAN'T...

HE MAKES THAT FACE AND IT MAKES ME LAUGH, OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST TURN AROUND. TURN--TURN AROUND.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU LOOK. JUST LOOK OVER THERE. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

THEY'RE-- THEY'RE-- THEY'RE CRACKING...

THEY'RE CRACKING UP OVER THERE. OKAY.

OH, YEAH. LOOK WHO'S SNICKERING OVER THERE.

MR. I-CAN'T-DO- A-SUICIDE-BOMBING- BECAUSE-I'M-SICK.

HE HAD A-- HE HAD A NOTE.

MAN #1: HE GOT YOU. MAN #2: HE'S SO BAD.

HE HAD A NOTE FROM HIS DOCTOR.

HE BROUGHT A NOTE FROM HIS DOCTOR. IT'S A SUICIDE BOMBING.

MAN: IT'S TRUE. WHAT ARE YOU...

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. OKAY, ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.

THIS IS WHERE I GET ALL SERIOUS NOW. OKAY. DEATH...

(LAUGHING)

I CAN'T. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T.

OH, COME ON. NOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE...

HEY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LOOK, LOOK, RUBBER CHICKEN, YOU KNOW?

I SHOULD DO, LIKE, THE WHOLE TAPE WITH THIS IN MY HAND, YOU KNOW?

JUST TOTALLY, LIKE, WITH THE CHICKEN RIGHT HERE BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL BE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL? WHAT-- WHAT IS-- WHAT IS 'DEATH TO AMERICANS'?"

JUST LET HIM DO IT. LET HIM DO THE TAPE.

MAN: TALKING CHICKEN. DON'T BLAME ME. IT WAS THE CHICKEN.

HE WAS... OH, NO, NO, NO. ACTUALLY, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE BETTER? HEY, WAIT, WAIT.

JUST WALK OUT LIKE THIS. I JUST... LOOK...

I JUST COME OUT LIKE THIS, BUT JUST, LIKE, ALL SERIOUS.

LIKE THIS TOTALLY, LIKE, COMPLETELY SERIOUS.

LIKE... LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW I'M WEARING THEM. MAN: OH, MAN!

DEATH. DEATH TO AMERICA.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

DO I HAVE-- DO I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?

WHAT? WHAT? RIGHT HERE? WHAT? BOYS, I'M JUST WEARING MY REGULAR GLASSES.

I ALWAYS WEAR THESE. MAN: THAT IS CRAZY.

HEY, IT'S ME IN AN '80S MOVIE, RIGHT? YEAH.

(ALL LAUGHING)

HEY, HE GOT IT. HE GOT IT OVER THERE. THE LITTLE GUY GOT IT.

WHO IS THAT GUY? I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM AROUND HERE BEFORE.

HOW'S IT GOING, CHIEF?

GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR. AND NOW PREPARE TO DIE.

(SCREAMS)

(MEN GROANING)

(CHICKEN SQUEAKS)

(GROANS)

WHO...

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M STEWIE GRIFFIN.

AND DON'T EVER LET ME CATCH YOU GUYS IN QUAHOG!

(SCREAMING)

(POLICE SQUAD! THEME PLAYING)

(CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY)

(PEOPLE YELLING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(TWINS GASPING)

(MONSTER SNARLING)

(LASER GUNS FIRING)

(GROANS)

HEY, STEWIE. WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

(STAPLE GUN FIRING)

PETER, IT'S 5:30 IN THE MORNING.

OH, SORRY, LOIS. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HOME.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LAYING DOWN THE RED CARPET.

THE EMMYS ARE ON TONIGHT.

OH, GOD. DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT ABOUT MEG'S PLAY TONIGHT.

BUT, LOIS, MEG SUCKS!

EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS SO FREAKING TERRIBLE AND DEPRESSING.

PLUS, I WENT TO HER FIRST GRADE PLAY THAT ONE TIME.

OH, ROBIN HOOD, THE KING IS KEEPING ME PRISONER HERE IN HIS CASTLE.

DON'T WORRY, MAID MARIAN, I'LL SAVE YOU.

BOY, YOU GUYS ARE NOT SUCKING ME INTO THE STORY AT ALL.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT.

I'M-- I'M VERY AWARE THAT I'M WATCHING A PLAY RIGHT NOW.

COME ON, I GOT TO WATCH THE EMMYS.

PETER, YOU'RE GOING TO MEG'S PLAY AND THAT'S THAT.

IS THAT THAT NOW, MRS. THAT'S THAT?

IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT ME, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TIE YOUR SHOELACES FIRST.

(PETER SCREAMS)

NOW, ARE YOU GONNA GO TO MEG'S PLAY OR NOT?

YES!

YOU LIKE EATING RED CARPET, TOUGH GUY?

YES!

SAY YOU LIKE EATING RED CARPET!

PETER: I LIKE EATING RED CARPET.

GIGGITY.

GOD, WHY DO YOU WEAR THOSE RAINBOW SUSPENDERS?

WELL, I COULD TELL YOU, BUT I'D RATHER SHOW YOU THROUGH INTERPRETIVE DANCE.

(WAILS)

CRYING BABY. I'LL TAKE HIM OUT.

YOU KNOW, LOIS, IF WE LEAVE NOW, WE CAN GET HOME AND CATCH THE EMMY FOR BEST DOCUMENTARY.

UM, I HEAR THERE'S ONE ON VACUUMING.

REALLY? WELL, THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME THAT EASILY.

YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THE EMMYS TONIGHT. NOW SHUSH.

EXCUSE ME. I GOT TO GO DO SOME BLACK GUY STUFF.

(WHINES)

MAN, THIS SUCKS WORSE THAN MY 16TH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY, JAKE RYAN.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME AT YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY, PETER. MAKE A WISH.

IT'S ALREADY COME TRUE.

HERE'S YOUR PRESENT.

NO, JAKE! NOT LIKE THIS!

(PETER SCREAMS)

OUR TOP STORY, BELOVED ENTERTAINER BOB HOPE BRIEFLY CAME BACK TO LIFE TODAY ONLY TO DIE IN A TRAGIC MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT.

HEY, I'M GONNA JUMP ALL THOSE TRASH CANS.

(CHUCKLES)

IN OTHER NEWS, ACTOR DAVID HYDE PIERCE CREATED A MAJOR CONTROVERSY AT THE EMMYS LAST NIGHT WHEN A TROUSER MALFUNCTION CAUSED HIM TO EXPOSE HIS TESTICLES.

SURE GLAD I DIDN'T MISS THE EMMYS, DIANE.

OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT, LOIS.

THANKS TO YOU, I MISSED A MOMENT OF TELEVISION HISTORY.

WELL, NOW YOU KNOW HOW GEORGE W. BUSH FELT WHEN HE SHOWED UP IN VIETNAM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. LET'S KICK SOME ASS.

UH, GEORGE, THE WAR IS OVER. WHAT?

YEAH, IT'S DONE. GET OUT OF HERE! ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH. OH, MAN! OH, MAN!

I JUST GOT YOUR MESSAGES. AND I--I... OH, I'M SORRY.

GEORGE, IT'S BEEN OVER FOR A WHILE.

REALLY? YEAH. IT'S 1981.

IT'S... OH, OH, WOW! OH, SO I'M WAY LATE. OH, BOY!

YEAH. WELL, YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE?

I GOT SOME BLOW. SON OF A BITCH!

IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG TO TELL ME? BREAK IT OUT, MAN!

GENTLEMEN, WE GOT 20 CALLS ABOUT THE DAVID HYDE PIERCE INCIDENT.

AND AS YOU KNOW, ONE CALL EQUALS A BILLION PEOPLE.

WHICH MEANS 20 BILLION PEOPLE WERE OFFENDED BY THIS.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD ASK THE CHAIRMAN.

GOOD IDEA.

UH, SIR, WE'RE WONDERING WHAT COURSE OF ACTION YOU RECOMMEND REGARDING THE HYDE PIERCE INCIDENT.

YOU'VE GOT TO CENSOR TELEVISION, YOU FOOLS!

NOW FOLLOW MY ORDERS.

T.V. ANNOUNCER: AND NOW, STAY TUNED FOR THREE'S COMPANY.

JACK, ARE YOU OUT THERE? I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY NEW BIKINI.

WHAT THE HELL! WHY ARE THEY BLOCKING OUT ALL THE GOOD STUFF?

(BLEEPING) ANNOUNCER: IT'S THE...VAN...SHOW

(BLEEPING) STARRING...VAN...

THEY'RE MESSING WITH MY SHOWS.

COME TO THINK OF IT, THERE WAS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT ABOUT THAT   HONEYMOONERS EPISODE I WATCHED TODAY.

ONE OF THESE DAYS, ALICE, ONE OF THESE DAYS...

I'M GONNA HELP STIMULATE THE ECONOMY BY BUYING AN AMERICAN CAR.

THIS MUST BE THE FCC OVERREACTING TO THE DAVID HYDE PIERCE INCIDENT.

THEY'RE CENSORING ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE VIEWED AS UNPLEASANT.

WHAT THE HELL! THEY LET SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S FACE ON TV, AND SHE LOOKS LIKE A FOOT.

WELL, MARK MY WORDS, I'M GONNA FIGHT THIS.

YOU'RE ON TV, MR. TUCKER. CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?

WELL, PETER, I'M FLATTERED YOU CAME TO ME FOR HELP.

WE'LL HAVE MORE AFTER THIS.

GOOD EVENING. WE'RE BACK.

PETER, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, IF YOU WANT TO CONTROL CONTENT, YOU'D HAVE TO START YOUR OWN TELEVISION STATION.

MY OWN TV STATION?

I HAVEN'T HAD MY OWN BUSINESS SINCE I RAN THAT MAIL ORDER OPERATION.

YEAH, UH, I BOUGHT A GIANT, LIFE-SIZE SLINGSHOT FROM YOU, AND IT JUST SLAMMED ME INTO A MOUNTAIN.

SORRY, NO RETURNS.

I'VE BEEN A CUSTOMER HERE FOR YEARS.

I CAN MAYBE GIVE YOU A STORE CREDIT.

BUT... REALLY? WELL, I GUESS...

WHAT'S THE HOLDUP IN HERE?

I'M TAKING CARE OF IT.

PETER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?

DAD'S STARTING HIS OWN TV STATION, BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL MOM BECAUSE SHE'S JUST GONNA BITCH HIM OUT.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT TO ACCOMPLISH WITH THIS?

I'M SAVING TELEVISION, LOIS.

APACHE CHIEF, PUT THE SATELLITE ON THE ROOF.

SURE, PETER. APACHE CHIEF...

(SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)

WELL, THAT WAS THE HIGH POINT OF MY DAY.

GUESS I'LL GO GAMBLE.

HI, THERE. I'M PETER GRIFFIN. AND YOU'RE WATCHING PTV, WHERE YOU GET TO WATCH YOUR FAVORITE SHOWS AS NATURE INTENDED THEM, WITH ALL THE SEX, VIOLENCE, SWEARING AND FARTS INTACT.

LIKE THE EPISODE OF ALL IN THE FAMILY WHERE ARCHIE GOT THE JEFFERSONS TO MOVE.

TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE THERE, UH, JEFFERSON.

OH, ARCHIE. I CAN'T SEE OUT OF MY SHEET!

EDITH, WILL YOU STIFLE YOURSELF?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE INCOGNITUS.

AND WHO COULD FORGET THAT CLASSIC EPISODE OF   THE WALTONS?

MARY ELLEN: GOODNIGHT, JIM-BOB.

JIM-BOB: GOODNIGHT, MARY ELLEN.

GOODNIGHT, PA. PA: GOODNIGHT, JIM-BOB.

GOODNIGHT, ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH: GOODNIGHT, PA.

GOODNIGHT, MA. MA: GOODNIGHT, ELIZABETH.

GOODNIGHT, JOHN-BOY.

GOODNIGHT, JOHN-BOY.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(DOOR OPENING)

JOHN-BOY?

JOHN-BOY: DAMN IT! CAN'T A GUY MASTURBATE IN THIS HOUSE?

PETER, LOOK AT THESE NUMBERS. WE'RE A HIT.

YOU KNOW, IF I WERE YOU, I'D THINK ABOUT EXPANDING YOUR PROGRAMMING SOMEHOW.

BRIAN, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED TO TAKE PTV TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

ORIGINAL PROGRAMMING.

HI, THERE. AND WELCOME TO   THE PETER GRIFFIN SIDE BOOB HOUR.

A WONDERFUL LOOK BACK ON ALL THE PARTIAL NUDITY NETWORK TELEVISION USED TO OFFER.

LOOK AT THAT SIDE BOOB.

CHECK OUT THIS SIDE BOOB.

HOW ABOUT THAT SIDE BOOB? THAT TURN YOU ON?

WELL, IT SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE THAT'S MY SIDE BOOB.

GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M NOT SURE, PETER.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT YOU PUT ON YOUR NETWORK.

YOU KNOW HOW IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN ARE.

I MEAN, REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AFTER CHRIS SAW JACKIE MASON?

CHRIS, YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT FOR SCHOOL ALREADY.

OY, SHIKSA, DON'T START WITH ME.

I DIDN'T GO, I WANTED TO GO, I FORGOT TO GO, I SHOULD HAVE GONE.

CHRIS, JUST GO! MOM, RELAX.

YOU LOOK SO HAGGARD,   ZEBEZEL. YOU SHOULD LIE DOWN OR YOUR HEART MIGHT GO...

(EMITS FARTING SOUND)

LOIS, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I GOT A BUNCH OF GREAT NEW SHOWS LINED UP.

STEWIE: CHEEKY BASTARD IS FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

OH, MY GOD! WHERE IS MY ROAST PHEASANT?

HMM, BY NOW I THINK IT'S IN MY LOWER INTESTINE.

(LAUGHTER RESONATES)

YOU ATE IT? BUT I TOLD YOU MY BOSS WAS COMING HERE FOR DINNER.

WELL, UNLESS HE LIKES PORK RINDS, HE'S GOING HOME HUNGRY.

(LAUGHTER RESONATES)

YOU CHEEKY BASTARD.

(LAUGHTER RESONATES)

(MAN CLAPPING)

WELCOME TO   MIDNIGHT Q.

TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA ENJOY THE SMOOTH JAZZ OF CHARLES MINGUS.

NORMAN MAILER IS HERE TO READ AN EXCERPT FROM HIS LATEST BOOK.

AND THEN WE ALSO HAVE A GIRL FROM OMAHA WHO'S HIDING A BANANA.

WE'LL FIND OUT WHERE.

GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY GOO. STICK AROUND.

(GROANS) MORE FAN MAIL.

SHEESH, BRIAN, PEOPLE FREAKING LOVE US. WE'RE GONNA BE HUGE.

PETER, I REALLY WANT YOU TO CANCEL THAT SHOW WITH THE ANIMALS HAVING SEX.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, LOIS, IT'S CALLED   DOGS HUMPING, AND IT IS THE CORNERSTONE OF OUR WEDNESDAY NIGHT LINEUP.

LOIS, RESPONSIBILITY LIES WITH THE PARENTS.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF THINGS THAT ARE MUCH WORSE FOR CHILDREN THAN TELEVISION.

LIKE WHEN PETER BABYSAT FOR THE NEIGHBOR'S KID.

ALL RIGHT, I COULDN'T FIND YOUR TOYS, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST PLAY WITH THIS BLOW DRYER AND THESE RATTLES?

GUESS THAT'S IT. YOU PROBABLY WANT ME TO GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

SO HERE'S THE DRANO IN CASE THERE'S A CLOG.

UH, SOAP'S RIGHT THERE NEXT TO THE RADIO, AND TOWELS ARE ON THE ROOF.

SO, GOODNIGHT.

LOOK, IT'S ONE THING FOR A NETWORK TO RUN INAPPROPRIATE SHOWS THAT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT.

BUT I WILL NOT HAVE IT HAPPENING IN MY OWN HOUSE.

LOIS, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING INAPPROPRIATE ABOUT MY PROGRAMMING.

CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, DAD. YOU'RE ON.

HEY, PTV FANS, WELCOME TO DOUCHEBAGS.

WE'RE OUT HERE ON THE I-95 OVERPASS DOING OUR FIRST SEGMENT, "I DARE YOU TO CRAP OFF OF THAT."

BASICALLY, WE'LL SPEND THE DAY CRAPPING OFF THINGS THAT OTHERS HAVE DARED US TO CRAP OFF.

I DARED HIM.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

I SAY, ARE THOSE TWO PIGS VOMITING UP THERE?

(LOIS AND STEWIE SCREAM)

(SPLATTERING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CAR CRASHES)

UH-OH.

NOW, LOIS, BEFORE YOU START YELLING, LET ME REMIND YOU THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO RECKLESSLY DROVE INTO ONCOMING CRAP.

IT WAS INEXCUSABLE, PETER.

AND STEWIE MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO RIDE IN A CAR AGAIN.

TURN OFF THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS.

THEY DON'T WORK. THEY'RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE.

PETER, THAT'S IT.

I ASKED YOU TO STOP THIS AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU LEFT ME NO OTHER CHOICE. I CALLED THE FCC.

OH, YEAH. I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE FCC.

♪ THEY WILL CLEAN UP ALL YOUR TALKING ♪

♪ IN A MANNER SUCH AS THIS ♪

♪ THEY WILL MAKE YOU TAKE A TINKLE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE A PISS ♪

♪ AND THEY'LL MAKE YOU CALL FELLATIO ♪

♪ A TROUSER-FRIENDLY KISS ♪

♪ IS THE PLAIN SITUATION ♪

♪ THERE'S NO NEGOTIATION ♪

♪ WITH THE FELLAS AT THE FREAKIN' FCC ♪

♪ THEY'RE AS STUFFY AS THE STUFFIEST ♪

♪ OF SPECIAL-INTEREST GROUPS ♪

♪ MAKE A JOKE ABOUT YOUR BOWELS ♪

♪ AND THEY ORDER IN THE TROOPS ♪

♪ ANY BABY WITH A BRAIN ♪

♪ COULD TELL THEM EVERYBODY POOPS ♪

♪ TAKE A TIP, TAKE A LESSON ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER WIN BY MESSING ♪

♪ WITH THE FELLOWS AT THE FREAKIN' FCC ♪

♪ AND IF YOU FIND YOURSELF ♪

♪ WITH SOME YOUNG, SEXY THING ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO HER ♪

♪ WITH YOUR DING-A-LING ♪

(SCREAMS)

♪ 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SAY PENIS ♪

♪ SO THEY SENT THIS LITTLE WARNING ♪

♪ THEY'RE PREPARED TO DO THEIR WORST ♪

♪ AND THEY STUCK IT IN YOUR MAILBOX ♪

♪ HOPING YOU COULD BE COERCED ♪

♪ I CAN THINK OF QUITE ANOTHER PLACE ♪

♪ THEY SHOULD'VE STUCK IT FIRST ♪

♪ THEY MAY JUST BE NEUROTIC ♪

♪ OR POSSIBLY PSYCHOTIC ♪

♪ THEY'RE THE FELLOWS AT THE FREAKIN' FCC ♪

(CLAPPING)

MR. GRIFFIN, THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, THAT AS OF TODAY, PTV IS OFFICIALLY SHUT DOWN.

SHUT ME DOWN, HUH?

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST.

(SCREAMING)

ALL RIGHT, YOU CAUGHT ME.

WE'RE TIRED OF YOU INFECTING PEOPLE WITH YOUR SMUT.

THIS IS AN EPIDEMIC. AND IT MUST BE CONTAINED.

WELL, MR. FCC, YOU CAN STOP PTV, BUT YOU CAN NEVER STOP PEOPLE FROM BEING WHO THEY ARE!

OR CAN WE?

(SCREAMS)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CENSORING REAL LIFE.

HIS CHIN LOOKS LIKE BALLS.

YOU WANT ME TO COVER THAT, TOO?

HOW LONG ARE YOU GUYS GONNA BE CENSORING US?

UNTIL YOU AND ALL OF QUAHOG START TO CLEAN UP YOUR ACT.

LIKE OZZY OSBOURNE WHEN HE STOPPED BITING THE HEADS OFF BATS.

BEFORE I START PLAYING, I'M GONNA EAT THIS WHOLE SANDWICH.

(CROWD CHEERING)

I'LL FINISH IT LATER.

YAY!

LOIS, THESE EGGS ARE SCRAMBLED.

I THOUGHT FOR SURE YOU'D BE MAKING EGGS BENEDICT ARNOLD.

(SNICKERS)

BRIAN, STOP WRITING JOKES FOR PETER.

AND, PETER, YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF BY PUTTING ON THOSE FILTHY SHOWS.

OH, LOIS, YOU ARE SO FULL OF...

(HORN BLARES)

WHAT?

NOW I CAN'T SAY... IN MY OWN...HOUSE?

GREAT, LOIS. JUST...GREAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE GOOD AT...MY... OR I'D NEVER PUT UP WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WHEN YOU... LUBED UP...TOOTHPASTE IN MY...CHERRY... EPISCOPALIAN... EXTENSION CORD...

WETNESS... WITH A PARKING TICKET.

THAT IS THE BEST.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

THE FCC HAS FORBIDDEN AUDIBLE FLATULENCE.

EVERYONE IS NOW REQUIRED TO WEAR THIS DEVICE THAT CONVERTS ALL FART SOUNDS INTO STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES.

I SPILLED SPOT REMOVER ON MY DOG. NOW HE'S GONE.

OH, THIS IS BOGUS!

TWO SHAKES, THAT'S IT. MOVE ALONG.

OH. WHY, THANK YOU, TINKLE FAIRY.

LOIS, YOU RUINED EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW THAT?

PETER, I KNOW IT'S A LITTLE EXTREME.

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO OUR CHILDREN, IT'S BETTER TO ERR ON THE SAFE SIDE. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

NO. YOU KNOW, LOIS, IF EVERYBODY WAS AS CLOSED-MINDED AS YOU, THE WORLD WOULDN'T HAVE SOME OF ITS MOST INSPIRED CREATIONS.

MAN, THIS CHOCOLATE BAR IS DELICIOUS.

OH, YEAH. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER.

(SIREN WAILS)

I'M OFFICER REESES. WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

HE GOT PEANUT BUTTER ON MY CHOCOLATE.

HE GOT CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER.

OH, COME ON.

I KNOW WHAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE ANGRY SEX, HUH?

OH, ALL RIGHT.

(BLARES)

WHOA! WHOA! THOSE ACTIONS ARE HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE.

WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX?

OH, YOU CAN HAVE SEX.

JUST NO MOANING, NO TONGUE-KISSING, NO THRUSTING, NO MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER.

WELL, THIS ISN'T VERY ROMANTIC.

I MEAN, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO...

I'M DONE. NIGHT, LOIS.

(SNORING)

COME ON, YOU SON OF A...

OH...ME.

BRIAN, WOULD YOU MIND?

(GROANS) YEAH, SURE.

OH, SORRY.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN TWO WEEKS.

I'M JUST A LITTLE ON EDGE LATELY.

(SCOFFS) A LITTLE? THERE WASN'T THIS MUCH TENSION WHEN THE SLAVES WERE FREED.

UH, OKAY, SO, UH, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

BUT WE'RE COOL, RIGHT?

(SIGHS) PETER, WE HAVE TO TALK.

LOOK, I THOUGHT THIS FCC THING WAS A GOOD IDEA AT FIRST, BUT IT'S-- IT'S JUST GONE WAY TOO FAR.

WHAT, UH, ARE YOU SAYING, LOIS?

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT, BUT I THINK YOU WERE RIGHT.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT! FINALLY I CAN DO THIS!

I SET THAT THING UP 15 YEARS AGO.

HEY, WHERE'S THE CLOWN?

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. PACK YOUR BAG, PETER.

WE'RE GOING TO WASHINGTON.

OH, THERE HE IS.

ARE WE THERE YET?

NO, CHRIS, HONEY, WE'RE NOT.

ARE WE THERE YET?

NO, CHRIS.

ARE WE THERE YET?

YES, CHRIS, YES. OKAY? WE'RE THERE.

LIAR!

EAST OF EDEN?

SO YOU--YOU PRETTY MUCH DO WHATEVER OPRAH TELLS YOU TO, HUH?

YOU KNOW, THIS BOOK'S BEEN AROUND FOR 50 YEARS. IT'S A CLASSIC.

BUT YOU JUST GOT IT LAST WEEK, AND THERE'S A GIANT OPRAH STICKER ON THE FRONT.

OH, OH, IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

LET ME JUST PEEL THAT RIGHT OFF.

SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA READ AFTER THAT ONE?

WELL, SHE HASN'T TOLD US YET. DAMN!

AND THE MOTION CARRIES.

THE JANITOR'S NEW NICKNAME IS SWEEPY.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

(FART RESONATING)

GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS A FART.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.

THIS GOVERNMENT'S FCC IS TRYING TO TAKE ALL THE FARTS AWAY FROM TELEVISION!

AND ALL THE SEX, AND ALL THE NUDITY, AND ALL THE POOP.

WELL, I SAY IT'S WRONG.

THESE THINGS ARE PART OF THE FABRIC OF AMERICAN LIFE.

WELL, WE APPRECIATE YOUR PASSION BUT THIS CONGRESS SUPPORTS THE FCC.

INDECENCY IS UN-AMERICAN.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, I CAN PROVE TO YOU THAT THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULL.

LOOK AROUND YOU.

THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE A PENIS, DOESN'T IT?

THE CAPITOL BUILDING, QUITE OBVIOUSLY A GIANT BOOB.

AND THE PENTAGON?

WELL, YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A BIG ANUS.

MY GOD! HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO BLIND?

HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

COME TO THINK OF IT, HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED CLOSELY AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL?

OUR TOP STORY, THE FCC'S CONTENT BAN ON QUAHOG HAS FINALLY BEEN LIFTED.

WELL, YOU DID IT, PETER. YOU BEAT THE FCC.

(SHUSHING) LOIS, LOIS, LET'S WATCH   THE BRADY BUNCH.

LOOK WHAT I DID, EVERYBODY.

ISN'T IT THE BIGGEST, MOST SUPER-SPECIAL POOP YOU'VE EVER SEEN?

(GIGGLES)

WELL, CINDY, I GUESS IT'S TRUE THAT BIG THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES.

(ALL LAUGHING)