Family Guy S4E19 Script

Brian Sings and Swings (2006)

♪ IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪

♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV ♪

♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪

♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO ♪

♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US ♪

♪ LAUGH AND CRY ♪

♪ HE'S... ♪

♪ A... FAM... ILY... GUY! ♪

HEY, HOW'D YOU SLEEP, PETER?

OH, BRIAN, LAST NIGHT I HAD THIS CRAZY DREAM I WAS EATING A SHEEP, AND NOW MY PILLOW'S GONE.

OH, WAIT. HERE IT IS.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I EATING?

(  PAINED BLEATING )

OH, SORRY.

SEE YA, LOIS.

OH, AND LIKE I TELL YOU EVERY DAY:

IF I COME BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON AND YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH SOMEBODY, I'LL KILL YOU BOTH.

HUH. "THANKS TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENTS, MAGIC JOHNSON DOWN TO ONE AID."

OH, GOD, DID I HIT THAT DEAF KID AGAIN?

THEY OUGHT TO PUT A BELL ON THAT GUY.

THE NURSE SAYS BRIAN WON'T BE OUT OF SURGERY FOR ANOTHER THREE HOURS.

OH, I HOPE HE'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

ME, TOO. I KNOW WE'RE NOT HERE TO PLACE BLAME OR BEAT OURSELVES UP, BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELING LIKE THIS IS SOMEHOW MEG'S FAULT.

I JUST CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF LOSING BRIAN.

OH, IF HE DIES, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO START HANGING OUT WITH THE ROCK AGAIN.

ANNOUNCER: ONES A BABY, AND THE OTHER'S... BLACK. I THINK.

AT LEAST PART BLACK. OR HISPANIC.

I THINK, YOU KNOW, POSSIBLY, THERE'S SOME FILIPINO IN THERE.

YEAH, POSSIBLY SOME FILIPINO.

I MEAN, IF HE, IF HE'S BLACK, IT'S DEFINITELY DILUTED.

I MEAN, ONE OF HIS PARENTS MUST BE WHITE.

WHAT THE HELL IS JESSICA ALBA FOR THAT MATTER?

IF I WERE 40 YEARS YOUNGER I WOULD PLOW THAT TILL NEXT JULY.

ALL RIGHT, CLASS, TODAY, AS A SPECIAL TREAT, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THIS FASCINATING EPISODE OF  NOVA THAT I TAPED AT HOME FOR YOU.

YOU COMING BACK TO BED, ROB?

HANG ON, HONEY. HANG ON.

MY JAW KEEPS LOCKING UP.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NOT  NOVA AT ALL, IS IT?

THAT'S A SEX TAPE I MADE WITH MY WIFE.

OF COURSE, NOBODY HERE IS INTERESTED IN SEEING THAT SORT OF THING... ARE THEY?

PROBABLY NOT. NO. OKAY.

OH, YOU KIND OF LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE NODDING?

NOPE? OKAY, WE SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP, DOES EVERYONE HAVE A LAB PARTNER?

I DON'T. ME, NEITHER.

SHE CAN BE MY PARTNER.

SARAH, THAT'S VERY IRRESPONSIBLE.

MEG IS AWFUL.

YOU WANT TO BE MY LAB PARTNER?

REALLY? SURE, YOU SEEM NICE.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO JOIN MY AFTER-SCHOOL CLUB?

SURE.

NOW OPEN YOUR BOOKS TO PAGE...

YOU KNOW WHAT? LOOK, I'M SORRY.

CAN I JUST GO AHEAD AND SHOW THIS VIDEO OF ME DOING MY WIFE?

HERE WE ARE, BRIAN, SAFE AND SOUND.

PETER, I DON'T NEED TO BE IN A WHEELCHAIR.

NOW, NOW, NO ARGUMENTS, BRIAN.

I ALREADY WENT THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF BORROWING THIS RAMP FROM JOE.

I'LL SEE YA, HONEY. I'LL BE BACK IN A WHI...!

JOE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

DON'T HELP ME UP.

I NEED TO RETAIN MY INDEPENDENCE.

YOU NEED ANYTHING FROM THE MARKET?

POWER BAR!

WHAT'S WRONG, BRIAN?

YOU'VE JUST BEEN SITTING ON THE COUCH EVER SINCE YOU GOT BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW, LOIS.

I'M A LITTLE DEPRESSED.

THE ACCIDENT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT HOW UNCERTAIN LIFE IS AND HOW SUDDENLY IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY.

AH, YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL BACK TO NORMAL IN NO TIME.

HERE, HAVE SOME FOOD.

I'M NOT HUNGRY.

HERE COMES THE GRAVY.

(  CHOKING AND COUGHING )

YOU MESSY BEAST.

WELL, HELLO THERE, MEG.

UM, NEIL, I REALLY CAN'T BE SEEN TALKING TO YOU ANYMORE.

I HAVE FRIENDS NOW.

AND SOME OF THEM, VERY POPULAR.

I KNOW. I HEARD SARAH IS YOUR LAB PARTNER.

ALL THOSE YEARS OF YOU REJECTING ME FINALLY MADE SENSE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, MY GOD!

(  SIGHS )

MEG! THERE YOU ARE.

HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS OUR NEWEST MEMBER, MEG.

HI, MEG. WHAT'S UP?

HI, YOU GAYS... GUYS. GIRLS.

LOOK, LISTEN, SARAH, I CAN'T BE IN YOUR CLUB.

I'M NOT A LESBIAN.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

WE HAD A WHOLE PARTY PLANNED FOR YOU.

REALLY?! A PARTY FOR ME?

BUT I GUESS IF YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN...

WAIT, WAIT! YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

I'M NOT A LESBIAN.

I'M A SUPER, HUGE MEGA-LESBIAN.

OH, GOOD. YOU'LL FIT IN WITH THE OTHER MEGA-LESBIANS.

♪ MY HEART'S ON FIRE FOR ELVIRA ♪

♪ GIDDAYUP... ♪

♪ AH-OOM, PAPA, OOM PAPA, MOW-MOW ♪

♪ GIDDAYUP ♪

♪ AH-OOM, PAPA, OOM PAPA, MOW-MOW. ♪ WOW! I FEEL SO SOCIALLY ACCEPTED.

HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER FRIENDS YOU WANT TO INVITE TO YOUR PARTY?

UH, NO. MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE OUT OF TOWN.

OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT!

WE'LL STAY UP LATE, TRADE STORIES.

OOH! LET'S WATCH THE VIDEO OF MY BALLET RECITAL.

HERE IT IS! (  GASPS )

SUNSHINE BEAR, WAIT!

(  GASPS )

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD.

OH, THOSE ARE HUGE.

THOSE ARE HUGE BOOBS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S NICE?

THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THAT BLUE VEIN UP THERE THAT SOME OF THE BIGGER ONES GET.

WHAT?! I SAID YOU  DON'T HAVE THAT!

HEY, BUDDY, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING SO GOOD.

WHO CARES HOW I LOOK?

NOTHING MATTERS.

WE COULD ALL DIE TOMORROW, EVERY ONE OF US.

WELL, ISN'T THAT A DAMN GOOD REASON TO LIVE IT UP TODAY?

COME ON. IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THAT SIMPLE.

EXCUSE ME. I'VE GOT A THING TO DO.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST TONIGHT.

PLEASE WELCOME THE MEMBER OF THE BOARD, FRANK SINATRA, JR.

♪ LOVE IS LOVELIER THE SECOND TIME AROUND ♪

♪ JUST AS WONDERFUL WITH BOTH FEET ON THE GROUND ♪

♪ WHO CAN SAY WHAT BROUGHT US TO THIS MIRACLE WE FOUND? ♪

♪ THERE ARE THOSE WHO BET ♪

♪ LOVE COMES BUT ONCE, AND YET ♪

♪ I'M OH, SO GLAD WE MET THE SECOND TIME AROUND. ♪

ALL THIS SINGING IS CONTAGIOUS.

I'LL SING, TOO.

♪ ADAM WEST, ADAM WEST. ♪ A LITTLE BIT SOFTER NOW.

♪ ADAM WEST, ADAM WEST, ADAM WEST, ADAM WEST. ♪ I'LL COME OUT WHEN THEY'RE ALL GONE.

WOW, BRIAN, YOU ACTUALLY GOT TO SING WITH FRANK SINATRA, JR.?

OH, IT WAS AMAZING.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, HE SAID SOME THINGS THAT WERE EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR AND I WAS JUST INSPIRED TO GET UP ON THAT STAGE.

GOT TO LIVE LIFE FOR TODAY, YOU KNOW?

UH, BRIAN, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE TOO EARLY TO BE HITTING THE BOOZE?

HEY, WHAT'S THE POINT OF WAITING?

YOU GOT TO LIVE LIFE WHILE YOU CAN AND LIVE IT HARD.

OH, THE CHRIS FARLEY METHOD, THAT'S GOOD.

FRANK INVITED ME BACK THIS EVENING.

I TELL YOU, I FEEL MORE EXHILARATED THAN PETER DID WHEN HE SWAM WITH THE BULLS.

(  HARP PLAYS GLISSANDO )

( "WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS" PLAYING )

OH, YEAH, THAT'S FAIR.

NO, THAT'S TOTALLY A FAIR SCORE.

YOU KNOW, BRIAN, WHEN YOU WEAR THAT SUIT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE TAKING A WHITE POOP, BUT IT'S STUCK.

LOOK, LOIS ASKED ME TO BABY-SIT YOU, SO JUST STAY HERE AND BE QUIET.

I'LL BE BACK AFTER MY FIRST SET.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO TO KILL TIME?

OH, MAYBE I'LL PLAY 52 PICK UP.

THIS GAME'S BETTER IF THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE HERE.

'CAUSE THEN THEY CAN SAY, "I'M NOT GOING TO PICK UP THOSE CARDS."

AND THEN I SAY, "YOU HAVE TO. IT'S 52 PICK UP."

AND THEY SAY, "WELL, WHAT IF I JUST LEAVE THEM THERE?"

AND I SAY, "THOSE ARE MY FATHER'S CARDS.

"YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE THEM THERE.

HE'S GOING TO BE MAD."

WHERE AM I?

♪ I DON'T CARE IF THE SUN DON'T SHINE ♪

♪ I DO MY DRINKING IN THE EVENING TIME ♪

♪ WHEN I'M IN RHODE ISLAND ♪ HA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA!

GET OUT OF HERE!

♪ YOU CAN'T SIT IN THE SUN AND CAMP ♪

♪ BUT I GET MY COLOR FROM A SUN RAY LAMP ♪

♪ WHEN I'M... ♪

♪ IN RHODE ISLAND ♪ WHOA, EASY, KID.

THESE PEOPLE PAID GOOD MONEY TO GET IN HERE.

OH, YEAH? HOW MUCH ARE YOU CHARGING THEM TO GET OUT?

(  LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY )

♪ WE GO TOGETHER, THERE'S NO MISTAKE ♪

♪ LIKE A BOWL OF CHOWDER AND A BIG CLAM CAKE ♪

♪ AND WE LOVE RHODE ISLAND. ♪

THAT WAS SENSATIONAL.

WE'RE GOING TO BE THE BIGGEST THING SINCE EDISON HARNESSED ELECTRICITY.

LOOK AT EDISON OVER THERE WITH HIS DAMN ELECTRICITY.

HEY, EDISON, HOW ABOUT SHARING SOME OF THOSE LIGHTBULBS, HUH?

HEY, FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF, MAN.

WE'RE FREEZING OUR ASSES OFF OVER HERE.

HEY, MAN, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL, YOU KNOW?

YOU GET TO LOOK AT MY GREAT HOUSE.

I GET TO LOOK AT THAT DARK THING, HUH?

WHAT, WHAT IS THAT, A CANDLE OVER THERE?

THAT'S PRETTY SWEET.

YEAH, IT'S A CAN... WE'RE FREEZING OVER HERE.

NO ONE IN MY FAMILY'S TAKEN A BATH IN A MONTH.

WE STINK. IT STINKS OVER HERE, YOU JERK.

HEY, MAN, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY CENTRAL HEATING.

HEY, GO TO HELL, EDISON.

HEY, BITE ME, MAN.

HEY, YOU GUYS SEEN  THE OFFICE?

OH, NO, I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T

'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A TV.

HEY, HOW ABOUT I COME OVER THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS?!

OOH, YEAH, COME ON OVER.

(  STEREO PLAYING "FOXY LADY" )

♪ FOXY! ♪

WHAT IS THIS, LOIS?

IT'S JAMBALAYA. IT'S A NEW RECIPE.

NYEH! (  SPITS ) NYEH!

PETER! EAT YOUR FOOD, MISTER.

NYEH! NYEH!

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU DON'T WANT IT, PUT IT IN YOUR NAPKIN.

NYEH! NYEH! PETER, PUT IT IN YOUR NAPKIN!

PUT IT IN YOUR NAP... NYEH! NYEH!

I'M NOT GONNA... NYEH! NYEH!

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE THIS FOOD.

LIKE JOHN GOODMAN'S FAMILY.

PLEASE, DADDY.

I TOLD YOU, WHEN I'M FINISHED YOU CAN HAVE WHAT'S LEFT.

THERE WON'T BE ANY LEFT.

THERE'S NEVER ANY LEFT.

(  GOBBLING )

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

MOM, WHY IS THE CABLE GUY HERE?

IT'S ME, YOU GUYS, AND I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU ALL.

MOM. DAD.

I AM A LESBIAN.

THAT IS AWESOME.

PETER. MEG, YOU ARE NOT A LESBIAN.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GUYS THINK.

ALL MY NEW LESBIAN FRIENDS ACCEPT ME AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

MEG, YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER.

I WOULD ACCEPT YOU IF YOU WERE GAY, OR BLIND OR RETARDED, BUT YOU'RE NOT.

YOU GUYS DON'T CARE ABOUT ME AND MY STRUGGLE!

I HATE YOU!

OH, MEG, I THINK YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO FIT IN BY PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT, LIKE THE TIME PETER PRETENDED TO BE RACIST TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY.

AWFUL LOT OF HONKYS IN HERE.

(  JAZZY SOUNDTRACK MUSIC PLAYING )


(  THROWING UP )

BRIAN, THERE YOU ARE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?

STEWIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED TWO HOURS AGO.

OH, YEAH, HE, UH...

HE'S, UM, HE, HIS, HE WAS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NEXT TO ME, LIKE, FOUR HOURS AGO.

WHAT?! BRIAN, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH HIM!

(  GASPS ): OH, MY LITTLE SWEETIE.

HI, BRIAN, REMEMBER ME?

I'M THE GUY YOU LEFT STANDING AT THE COUNTER AT MCDONALD'S WITH A BAG FULL OF BURGERS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, I TRIED TO WALK HOME AND, UM, A LOT OF HUNGRY DEER WALKING AROUND AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT AND, UM-- OH, HERE'S WHERE THE STORY GETS FUN.

UH, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I'M MISSING AN EAR.

MANAGED TO PULL IT OUT OF THE DEER'S MOUTH AND PUT IT IN SOME ICE I GOT AT A 7-ELEVEN.

SO, WHEN YOU'RE READY TO APOLOGIZE, JUST TALK INTO THIS CUP.

BRIAN, THIS IS INEXCUSABLE.

YEAH, WHAT IF SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO STEWIE?

MY EAR'S IN A CUP-- I GUESS THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

HEY. HEY, I'M NOT THE KID'S BABY-SITTER, ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE MY OWN LIFE TO LIVE.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS ALL BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH THAT FRANK SINATRA, JR.

I AM GONNA CALL HIS MOTHER, MIA FARROW, AND GIVE HER A PIECE OF MY MIND, AND YOU ARE GOING TO STOP SINGING AT THAT CRAZY CLUB.

OPERATOR, MIA FARROW, PLEASE.

YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

(  GROWLING )

(  SHRIEKS )

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO YOU?

YEAH, DON'T WORRY, I DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL OR ANYTHING.

I'LL JUST USE THIS MR. POTATO HEAD PIECE.

HE BIT ME, LOIS.

THE BASTARD BIT ME.

OH, HONEY, I'M SURE HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

BRIAN'S GOING THROUGH SOME HEAVY STUFF RIGHT NOW.

HE ALMOST DIED.

LISTEN, PETER, I...

I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.

I DON'T NEED THIS. I'M OUT OF HERE.

LOOK WHAT YOU DID, PETER.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS SCARED SINCE I WAS MUGGED BY GENE SHALIT.

DON'T  PANIC ROOM.

I'M NOT GOING TO WILLIAM HURT YOU.

I ONLY WANT YOUR TANGO AND CASH.

SO JUST  PAY IT FORWARD AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY GILMORE.

WHAT?

SO, HOW'S MY SUDDENLY LESBIAN DAUGHTER DOING?

GREAT. WE'RE CHECKING OUT NAKED GIRLS.

I AM  SO INTO GIRLS.

OH, COME ON, MEG, YOU CAN STOP THE CHARADE.

MY GOD, YOU'RE AS TRANSPARENT AS YOUR FATHER WAS WHEN HE PRETENDED TO BE A HASSIDIC JEW TO GET OFF WORK.

GOOD MORNING, HEBREWS AND SHEBREWS.

WHAT A GLORIOUS JEWISH DAY.

HEY, HOW ABOUT ALL THOSE COUPONS IN THE SUNDAY PAPER, HUH?

SOME GOOD DEALS THERE.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I WENT INTO A STORE LAST WEEK AND THEY WANTED 800 BUCKS FOR A TV, BUT I US'ED THEM DOWN TO $500.

(  PAINED YELL )

IT'S NOT A CHARADE, MOM.

I AM A LESBIAN!

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PROVE THIS TO YOU?

WELL, MAYBE IF I'D SEEN YOU KISS YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

FINE.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT IS SHE, A GRANDMOTHER?

HUH. THAT'S NO KISS.

WATCH THIS.

MMM... MMM... MMM!

LOOK, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW TO LEAD YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FACE THE TRUTH, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

CHRIS, I'M ALL OUT OF DIGITAL AUDIO TAPE.

OH, HE'S GONE.

HEY, CAN I GET YOU GUYS TO SIGN THESE RELEASE FORMS?

OH, WHERE THE HELL IS BRIAN?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I BETTER GO FIND HIM.

WE CAN'T SIT HERE WATCHING INFOMERCIALS ALL NIGHT.

HELLO. HOW COME I RICH AND YOU NOT?

HOW COME YOU NOT SELL REAL ESTATE LIKE I DO?

HOW COME I SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE WHILE YOU AT WORK AND THEN I PEE IN YOUR TOILET AND DON'T FLUSH?

AND SOMETIMES I OPEN THE BACK PART AND I PEE IN THERE SO THAT WHEN YOU FLUSH, PEE COME OUT.

YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE I'M SMART.

I'M SMART AND YOU STUPID.

CALL NOW.

STEWIE: BRIAN!

BRIAN!

BRIAN!

BRIA...!

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

ALL THOSE BUTTONS, I'D LOOK LIKE STEVE HARVEY.

BRIAN!

OH, I'LL ASK THE CASHIER IF I CAN PUT THIS UP IN THE WINDOW.

I DEFINITELY NEED A BREATH FRESHENER.

OOH, BUT THAT'S GOING TO GIVE ME 11 ITEMS.

THAT'S FINE.

NO, NO, NO. RULES IS RULES.

LET'S SEE WHAT I'M GONNA PUT BACK.

OKAY, I NEED THE REYNOLDS WRAP AND THE BATHROOM TISSUE.

I COULD DO WITHOUT THE TRISCUITS, BUT THEY SURE ARE GOOD.

(  SIGHS )

7 UP'S THE WHOLE REASON I CAME DOWN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT GONNA NEED THE V8

'CAUSE I CAN JUST GET SOME TOMATO JUICE AT THE MINI-MART DOWN THE STREET.

IT'S A LITTLE MORE EXPENSIVE, BUT THAT'S OKAY.

I LIKE TO HELP OUT A SMALL BUSINESS.

I HOPE IT'S OKAY IF I PAY YOU IN PENNIES.

OH, GOD.

A GUTTER? HOW CLICHE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE LIFE CAN END SO ABRUPTLY AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.

IS THAT WHY YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS PATH TO SELF-DESTRUCTION?

YOU KNOW, BRIAN, AS SMART AS YOU ARE, YOU'VE GOT TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN LIFE THAT YOU JUST CAN'T CONTROL.

Y-YOU MEAN THE WAY, THE WAY YOU CAN'T CONTROL THAT MESSED-UP WAY THAT YOU LAUGH WHEN, WHEN YOU THINK SOMETHING'S REALLY, REALLY FUNNY?

FAITH: WELL, HOPE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE COOKIES ARE GIVING US ALL THE FITS.

HOPE: WELL, NO WONDER, FAITH.

THAT'S NOT BAKING POWDER-- IT'S  SNEEZING POWDER.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

BUT I ALREADY BROUGHT A WHOLE BATCH TO THE CHURCH BAKE SALE.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

NO WONDER THAT PRIEST KEPT SAYING "BLESS YOU."

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

YES, AND I ACCEPT THAT.

YOUR PROBLEM IS, YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN CONTROL, NOTHING MATTERS.

THAT, THAT  YOU DON'T MATTER.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE.

(  TEARFUL ): YOU MATTER BIG TIME.

HEY, MEG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

LISTEN, SARAH, I GOT TO GET SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST.

YES!

I NEED TO OPEN UP.

SWEET.

SO GET READY, 'CAUSE HERE IT IS.

MY MOM WAS RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M NOT GAY.

WHAT?

SO, ALL THOSE ROUNDS OF GOLF WE PLAYED--

THOSE WERE ALL LIES?

I'M SO SORRY.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I FELT LIKE I BELONGED, AND I WANTED IT TO BE TRUE.

SO I PRETENDED TO BE SOMETHING I'M NOT.

YOU'RE GOING TO CHOOSE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL?

I THOUGHT BEING GAY WASN'T A CHOICE.

WELL, NOT FOR GUYS.

IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO MISLEAD YOU.

I SHOULD GO.

THAT WAS AWFUL. THAT WAS JUST AWFUL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MARK?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

WE DIDN'T GET THE SHOTS WE NEED.

MAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK, MIKE?

I MEAN, IF YOU SAW ACTION GOING ON IN FRONT OF YOU, WOULD YOU KNOW INSTINCTIVELY TO CENTER IT IN FRONT OF YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. WOULD SOMEONE TAKE MY SODA OUT OF THE ICEBOX, PLEASE, SO IT DOESN'T FREEZE?

(  MELLOW JAZZ INTRO )

♪ HOW I LOVE A GIRL WHO'S FLAWLESS ♪

♪ EVEN BETTER WHEN SHE'S BRALESS ♪

♪ BUT THE THING THAT TOPS IT ALL IS WHEN WE SWING ♪

♪ HOW I LOVE A GLASS OF JACK ♪

♪ OR ANYTHING WITH ROBERT STACK ♪

♪ BUT THE GALS WE ROMANCE ♪

♪ CAN'T STAY OUT OF OUR PANTS ♪

♪ WHEN WE SWING ♪

♪ YESTERDAY HAD GOT ME FEELING KIND OF BLUE... ♪

♪ SO YOU LEFT AND WE REPLACED YOU WITH A JEW ♪ LADY! YOU'RE FIRED.

OY!

♪ WE LOVE IT WHEN ♪

♪ THE LADIES SQUEEZE US ♪

♪ THAT'S AN EASY WAY TO PLEASE US ♪

♪ BUT WE FEEL LIKE FREAKING JESUS WHEN WE SWING ♪

♪ I LOVE THE WORK OF ALLEN FUNT ♪

♪ OR A NICELY SHAVEN LEG ♪

♪ BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO THE FEELING THAT WE GET ♪

♪ NO, NOTHING COMPARES TO THE FEELING WE GET ♪

♪ WHEN WE SWING. ♪

FRANK, THERE YOU ARE.

MIA FARROW?

WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU UP ALL NIGHT WITH A BABY AND A DOG?

AW, LEAVE ME ALONE.

GET OVER HERE, YOUNG MAN.

AH, DAMN IT ALL.

FRANK SINATRA, JR.: ♪ IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪

♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV ♪

♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪

♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO ♪

♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US ♪

♪ LAUGH AND CRY ♪

♪ HE'S... A... FAMILY... GUY! ♪