Family Guy S4E2 Script

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (2005)

IN THE TELEVISION COMEDY WORLD, THE PEOPLE ARE ENTERTAINED BY TWO SEPARATE YET EQUALLY IMPORTANT TYPES OF SHOWS:

TRADITIONAL SITCOMS THAT GET LAUGHS OUT OF EVERYDAY SITUATIONS, LIKE TRYING TO FIX YOUR OWN PLUMBING OR INVITING TWO DATES TO THE SAME DANCE, AND ANIMATED SHOWS THAT MAKE JOKES ABOUT FARTING.

THIS IS THE LATTER.

UH SORRY, I JUST FARTED.

(LAW AND ORDERTHEME PLAYING)

GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GOO!

I'M GLAD YOU GUYS COULD COME TONIGHT.

OH, CHRIS, HONEY, WE WOULDN'T MISS YOUR OPEN HOUSE.

YOU KIDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN OUR LIVES.

OH, MY GOD, WE FORGOT MEG!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT MEG.

SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS IN HER ROOM.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

MOST OF THE TIME, THE KIDS'LL EXERCISE OUT ON THE FIELD, BUT IF IT'S RAINING, OR I'M HUNG OVER, THEY STAY INSIDE AND PLAY DODGEBALL.

I LOVE DODGEBALL! HEADS UP!

AND THIS WEEK IN HOME EC, WE'RE TEACHING YOUR KIDS HOW TO MAKE BUNDT CAKE.

I LOVE BUNDT CAKE! HEADS UP!

THE SCHOOL BAND OFFERS A WIDE VARIETY OF INSTRUMENTS, FROM THE KETTLE DRUM TO THE TROMBONE.

AW, I LOVE THE TROMBONE!

(PLAYS SOFT, BEAUTIFUL MELODY)

I KNOW. ISN'T HE WONDERFUL?

HE TOOK LESSONS IN JUNIOR COLLEGE.

HEADS UP!

I LIKE MEETING CHRIS' TEACHERS.

THIS OUGHT TO BE MORE INTERESTING THAN THAT TIME I MET TED DANSON.

WOW! TED DANSON AND MARY STEENBURGEN!

HEY. ALWAYS NICE TO MEET A FAN.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

OH, SHOOT. I FORGOT MY UMBRELLA.

THAT'S OKAY, HONEY, COME ON OVER HERE THANKS, DEAR.

SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO BE A FREAK.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO SLEEP TOGETHER LATER?

OH, NO. NO, NO.

THANKS, THOUGH.

GOOD EVENING, PARENTS. I'M MISS CLIFTON.

I'D LIKE FOR YOU TO FILL OUT THESE CONTACT INFORMATION SHEETS.

NOW, NOW, WHO WOULD LIKE TO PASS THEM OUT?

OOH. OOH. OOH! MS. CLIFTON.

MS. CLIFTON, OVER HERE. OOH, OOH, OOH.

MS. CLIFTON. MS. CLIFTON. MS. CLIFTON. MS. CLIFTON.

MS. CLIFTON! MS. CLIFTON! MS. CLIFTON! MS. CLIFTON!

MS. CLIFTON! MS. CLIFTON! MS. CLIFTON!

MS. CLIFTON!

MM... MRS. GRIFFIN.

OH!

UH, I'M SORRY, WILL YOU ALL PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?

ANNOUNCER (ON RADIO): TONIGHT'S WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS ARE:

6, 21, 18, 7, 42.

OH, MY GOD. I WON!

I'M FREE FROM ALL THOSE SNOT-NOSED LITTLE BASTARDS!

(LAUGHS)

I'M FREE!

(LAUGHING)

IS SHE COMING BACK?

I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MS. CLIFTON'S GONE.

WHO'S GONNA TEACH MY CLASS NOW?

BRIAN, WHY DON'T YOU TEACH CHRIS' CLASS?

YOU'RE VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE, AND THE KIDS MIGHT KNOCK YOU DOWN A FEW PEGS, WHICH'D BE GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS A TERRIFIC IDEA, LOIS.

I PROBABLY HAVE A LOT TO OFFER YOUNG PEOPLE.

(SCOFFS)

WHAT'S HE GOING TO TEACH THEM?

HOW TO LICK THE DORITO CRUMBS FROM BETWEEN THE SOFA CUSHIONS, OR HOW TO LEAVE A DEAD BIRD ON THE CARPET?

THAT WAS A GIFT, YOU BASTARD, THAT WAS A GIFT FOR THE FAMILY.

GOOD MORNING, CLASS.

I'M YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER, BRIAN GRIFFIN.

GOOD MORNING, MR. GRIFFIN.

(CHUCKLES) PLEASE, PLEASE, CALL ME BRIAN.

MR. GRIFFINIS MY FATHER.

I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER'S NAME WAS COCO AND HE WAS HIT BY A MILK TRUCK.

ALL RIGHT, OUR GOAL HERE IS TO GAIN A COMMAND OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, SO YOU CAN BE SUCCESSFUL WRITERS LIKE BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON.

AH, THERE, FINISHED.

GOOD WILL HUNTING BY MATT DAMON.

HEY, UH, YOU THINK WE COULD PUT BOTH OUR NAMES ON THAT?

WHAT? YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT EAT BREYERS AND SMOKE POT FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

OH, THAT'S RIDICU...

COME ON. I, I HELPED.

OH YEAH? OKAY, UH, WRITE A LINE.

RIGHT NOW. JUST PITCH ME A LINE WRITE NOW.

OKAY.

(PASSES GAS)

HOW 'BOUT THAT?

THAT WASN'T A LINE. YOU JUST FARTED.

IS THERE ANY MORE POT?

SO, HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY, MR. KOT-TAIR?

YEAH, CHRIS, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HAVE BRIAN AS A TEACHER?

IT SUCKS. MR. GRIFFIN GAVE ME AN "F"

ON MY FIRST ASSIGNMENT.

WHAT?! AN "F," BRIAN?!

AFTER ALL CHRIS HAS DONE FOR YOU?

YEAH, JUST KINDA PULL IT OUT.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, IF DOGS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT DENTAL FLOSS OUT OF THE GARBAGE, WHY DO THEY MAKE IT MINT-FLAVORED?

HEY, HEY, CHRIS, WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL, YOU KNOW WHAT WE USED TO DO WHEN A TEACHER GAVE US A BAD GRADE?

WHAT?

WE'D EGG HIS HOUSE!

COME ON. WHERE'S THIS BASTARD LIVE?

I'LL SHOW YA!

THAT'S HIS HOUSE!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

TAKE THAT!

I GOT IT!

TAKE THAT, YOU BUM!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

IS THAT HIM?

YEAH!

OH, CRAP!

HELLO, CLASS.

MARK TWAIN HERE FILLING IN FOR BRIAN GRIFFIN.

I UNDERSTAND YOU CHILDREN READ MY BOOK, THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN.

(ALL CLAMORING)

NOW WHO CAN TELL...?

BOBBY, STOP SCREWING AROUND BACK THERE!

WHO CAN TELL ME THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE CARPETBAGGERS IN MY NOVE1?

YEAH, THEY STOOD FOR CORRUPTION AND GREED.

THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

JUST LIKE THE PRESIDENCY OF JAMES GARFIELD.

(ALL LAUGHING)

HE DIED IN OFFICE.

YOU KIDS ARE MIGHTY SMART.

YOU MUST HAVE A POWERFUL GOOD TEACHER.

WELL, I GOTTA CATCH MY TIME STEAMBOAT BACK TO THE 1800S.

HEY, SORRY I'M LATE. DID I MISS ANYTHING?

YEAH! CAPTAIN CRUNCH WAS HERE!

DIDN'T YOU PASS HIM ON THE STAIRS?

WELL, I HOPE THE REST OF YOU KIDS LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.

(OVER INTERCOM): GOOD MORNING, THIS IS PRINCIPAL SLOAN.

MR. GRIFFIN, YOU'VE BEEN REASSIGNED.

PLEASE REPORT TO REMEDIAL ENGLISH.

REASSIGNED?

WELL, CAN I AT LEAST COME DOWN TO YOUR OFFICE AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS?

NO, NO I'M AFRAID I'M FAR TOO BUSY TODAY.

ESTEBAN,MUCHOTENSION LOWER.

LITTLE LOWER.

LOWER.

LOWER. LOWER.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): ♪ ON TOP OF OLD SMOKEY!

GOSH, I WAS REALLY STARTING TO LIKE THIS JOB.

IT WAS NICE INTERACTING WITH INTELLIGENT PEOPLE.

I USUALLY HANG OUT WITH AN IDIOT.

BRIAN, BRIAN, CHECK IT OUT.

I MADE A WATER SLIDE IN THE HOUSE.

YAY!

(PAINED GRUNTING)

OW!

I'M NOT GONNA CALL THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE YOU WON'T LEARN ANYTHING IF I DO.

WELL, KIDS, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

PARDON ME, IS THIS FIRST PERIOD ENGLISH?

I'M YOUR NEW TEACHER, MRS. LOCKHART.

OH, MY GOD, I'M IN LOVE.

WATCH OUT FOR THE STAIRS!

(GASPS)

GOOD MORNING, CLASS.

GOOD MORNING, MRS. LOCKHART.

I GRADED YOUR QUIZZES FROM YESTERDAY.

MOST OF YOU DID WELL.

SOME OF YOU I THINK CAN DO BETTER.

WHAT DO YOU SEE HERE, CHRIS?

TWO "DS" AND AN "F."

(HIP-HOP PLAYING)

UH, HI, I'M, UH, MR. GRIFFIN, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME BRIAN.

MR. GRIFFIN IS MY FATHER.

(GUNSHOT)

UH, WELL, HAS ANYBODY READ HUCKLEBERRY FINN?

ALL RIGHT, UH, HOW 'BOUT WE GO AROUND THE ROOM AND EVERYONE CAN SAY A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT THEMSELVES.

UH, LET'S START WITH YOU THERE IN THE FRONT.

MY NAME'S TIM, I'M 28 YEARS YOUNG AND I LOVE WEED.

MY NAME IS CARLOS, AND BENEATH MY TOUGH EXTERIOR IS A BOY ACHING TO LEARN.

AND BENEATH THAT IS A RAPIST.

MY NAME IS AMANDA, AND MY WATER JUST BROKE!

OH, MY GOD!

YO, IT'S MY TURN TO DELIVER.

CAN I HAVE THIS ONE?

MY MOM KEEPS GIVING MINE AWAY.

DAD, I NEED SOME ADVICE.

I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO GET A GIRL TO LIKE ME.

OH, CHRIS, BUDDY, THERE'S A MILLION WAYS TO DO THAT.

YOU JUST GOTTA DO SOMETHING SIMPLE, LIKE VINCENT VAN GOGH.

OOH, IT'S... WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S MY EAR. DO YOU LIKE IT?

YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

NO, I LIKE IT. BUT IT'S JUST...

WHY YOUR EAR?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

WELL, AT LEAST THIS'LL BE A FUNNY STORY TO TELL OUR KIDS SOMEDAY.

OH, YOU WANT KIDS?

OH, YIKES.

UH, I WISH YOU'D TOLD ME THAT BEFORE I GOT YOU THIS.

OH, DID I HEAR MY BIG BOY SAY HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON SOME LUCKY GIRL?

YOU KNOW, CHRIS, I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME, SO I BROUGHT YOU A CONDOM.

USE IT WISELY, THOUGH.

IT WASN'T EASY TO OBTAIN.

(KISSING SOUNDS)

MAN: HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

WOMAN: HEY, GIVE THAT BACK!

AW, MAN!

WOMAN: NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

OH, THIS IS MUCH BETTER.

CHRIS, HONEY, THE WAY TO WIN A GIRL IS TO DO SOMETHING ROMANTIC AND UNEXPECTED.

HEY, HEY, REMEMBER "THE NAKED SPACEMAN," LOIS?

OH YEAH, YOU REMEMBER "THE NAKED SPACEMAN."

ON MY 25TH BIRTHDAY, YOUR FATHER SURPRISED ME BY SHOWING UP IN NOTHIN' BUT A SPACE HELMET AND MOON BOOTS.

IT JUST CAME TO ME.

YOU WANT SOME TANG, MR. SPACEMAN?

OH, DO I.

JUST REMEMBER, FAT MAN, THOSE JUGS ARE MINE UNTIL THE MILK DRIES UP.

THEN YOU CAN HAVE THE REMAINS.

SO BASICALLY WHAT ORWELL WAS SAYING WAS, "IT'S NOT PERFECT, BUT I'LL TAKE IT."

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

SORRY I'M LATE, MRS. LOCKHART.

OH, MY GOD, CHRIS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BEING ROMANTIC AND UNEXPECTED.

CHRIS, YOU CAN'T BE SO IMPULSIVE.

PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE THAT WAY.

UH, MARIE?

YEAH, DONNIE?

UH... WE CANNOT TELL MOM.

SO, CHRIS, WHAT'S THE LATEST WITH YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND?

OH, I DON'T THINK MRS. LOCKHART LIKES ME AT ALL.

MRS. LOCKHART? YOUR TEACHER?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

LOIS, THIS IS NOT MY BATMAN GLASS.

PETER, ARE YOU LISTENING?

CHRIS HAS A CRUSH ON HIS TEACHER.

EW, GROSS!

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GROSS?

(PASSES GAS)

AH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!

HOW'S IT COMING, DOG?

OH GOD, LISTEN TO THIS KID'S REPORT ONGREAT EXPECTATIONS.

"MISS HAVISHAM SHOULD OF THROWED DAT CAKE OUT

"SO IT DON'T LIKE MESS ALL UP DA BITCH'S HOUSE."

I... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW, SOCIETY'S GIVEN UP ON THESE KIDS, AND I FEEL LIKE I MAY BE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HELP THEM.

WELL, I THINK YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU'RE NOT COMMUNICATING IN A WAY THAT SPEAKS TO THEIR EXPERIENCE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

GET IN THERE TOMORROW AND DO "THE ROBOT."

(FUNK TUNE PLAYING)

WOW, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST TRY A WHOLE NEW APPROACH.

THANKS.

OKAY, YOU CAN STOP THAT NOW.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M A ROBOT.

COME ON, KNOCK IT OFF. DOES NOT COMPUTE.

(MUSIC STOPS) BOO...

I'M GOING TO BED.

I DO NOT REQUIRE SLEEP.

BOO...

(LAUGHING)

OH, LET'S SEE THE KID WITH THE HEARING AID FROM BARNEY DO THIS.

AW 'IGHT, AW 'IGHT.

SO'S I'M CHILLIN' IN VERONA WHEN MY HOMIE BUSTS OUT WITH, "YO ROMEO, CHECK OUT THAT BEE-YATCH JULIET IN THE WINDOW."

PROBLEM IS, JULIET'S PEEPS ARE LIKE EAST COAST RAPPERS AND MY POSSE'S REPRESENTIN' WEST-SI-EEDE!

JUST LIKE MY BOYS TUPAC AND BIGGIE.

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

THAT'S RACIST, MAN.

YEAH, THAT'S JUST STRAIGHT IGNORANT, DAWG.

IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU, MR. AND MRS. GRIFFIN.

WELL, WE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT OUR SON.

YOU SEE, CHRIS REALLY...

LOIS, LOIS, HONEY, LET'S MAKE SURE WE DO THIS DELICATELY, ALL RIGHT?

MRS. LOCKHART, OUR SON...

...WOULD LIKE TO PLOW YOU.

I HAD A FEELING THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING ON.

SORRY, OUR SON CAN SOMETIMES A BE A BOOB...

I MEAN A MELON...

I MEAN SOPPING WET PAIR OF BREASTS BARELY COVERED BY A RACING T-SHIRT.

PETER!

MRS. LOCKHART, WE JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW, SO YOU COULD SPARE HIS FEELINGS, AND LET HIM DOWN GENTLY.

DON'T WORRY.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY TO CHRIS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'VE BEEN VERY UNDERSTANDING.

GOSH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T MEAN TO IMPOSE, BUT DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF THAT I COULD TAPE TO THE BACK OF LOIS' HEAD?

(THUMPING)

MRS. LOCKHART?

CHRIS, COME DOWN HERE.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

'CAUSE I COULDN'T STAND TO BE AWAY FROM YOU FOR ANOTHER MOMENT.

I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO!

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS I'M MARRIED.

THEREFORE, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

UM... MAKE A FLIP BOOK OF A STICK FIGURE WHOSE HEAD GETS BIGGER AND BIGGER AND BIGGER AND THEN POPS?!

THIS ISN'T A FLIP BOOK, CHRIS, THEY'RE INSTRUCTIONS.

IF WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER, I NEED YOU TO KILL MY HUSBAND.

(SCREAMS)

HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?

GET IN THE HOUSE, FATTY!

OH, CHRIS, YOU BIG BEAUTIFUL MAN!

I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.

UP THE STAIRS, SECOND DOOR ON THE LEFT.

HE SHOULD STILL BE ASLEEP.

MRS. LOCKHART, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS.

WHAT?

MAYBE YOU CAN JUST GET A DIVORCE, AND WE CAN LIVE TOGETHER IN THE FORT UNDER MY BED.

FINE, I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

BUT WE'RE THROUGH.

OKAY, BUT, I GOT TO GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD OR YOU CAN'T GET INTO THE FORT.

IT'S TACO. TACO!

OH, GOOD, GOD, LOOK AT THE FAT MAN'S UNDERWEAR.

LOOKS LIKE A JACKSON POLLACK PAINTING.

DON'T PUT THAT IN WITH MY THINGS.

HUH, WHAT'S THIS?

YOU KNOW, STEWIE, MOMMY DOESN'T USUALLY READ THINGS OUT OF CHRIS' POCKETS.

SHE'S MORE RESPECTFUL THAN THAT.

WELL, WHATEVER HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT, BITCH.

OH! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

CHRIS IS GOING TO MURDER MRS. LOCKHART'S HUSBAND!

WE'VE GOT TO STOP HIM!

OH, CAN WE STOP AT THE SUPERMARKET?

I WANT A GRANNY SMITH APPLE.

HOW'S YOUR OATMEAL, HONEY?

YOU KNOW, IT TASTES KIND OF DIFFERENT THAN USUAL.

(GROWLING)

OH, MY GOD, THERE'S A BEAR IN MY OATMEAL!

(SCREAMING)

YEAH, I KNOW, I'M LATE.

OKAY, LET'S JUST GET STARTED.

HEY, YO, MAN, WHAT'S THAT THING IN THE MIDDLE?

WHAT, THIS?

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FRIGGIN' KIDDING ME.

THAT'S AN AMPERSAND.

IT'S A SYMBOL FOR THE WORD "AND."

MY, GOD, NOBODY CAN BE THIS STUPID.

NOT EVEN PETER WHEN HE TOOK THAT BLOW TO THE HEAD AND THOUGHT HE WAS LARRY FROMTHREE'S COMPANY.

JACK, THERE'S A HOT TUB PARTY ACROSS THE STREET, AND WE'RE INVITED!

OH, AND DON'T WORRY, IF MR. FURLEY COMES BY I'LL MAKE SURE HE THINKS YOU'RE...

YO, MR. GRIFFIN, CHILLAX!

WE'RE DOIN' THE BEST WE CAN!

THERE'S NOTHING I WOULD LIKE TO DO MORE THAN CHILLAX, AMANDA, BUT WITHOUT A DECENT EDUCATION, YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AS A DITCH DIGGER, OR A MOTEL MAID, OR A HOOKER.

I COULD BE A DITCH DIGGER?

A MOTEL MAID?

I COULD BE A HOOKER?

WELL, NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A HOOKER...

WOW, MR. GRIFFIN, YOU'RE THE FIRST TEACHER THAT EVER TOLD US WE COULD DO ANYTHING!

WELL, I, I DIDN'T MEAN SELL YOUR BODY FOR MONEY.

OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN?

NO, YOU'RE ACTUALLY MISUNDERSTANDING.

OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN!

WELL, IF IT WORKS FOR YOU, I GUESS...

OH, CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN!

YEAH, WHAT THE HELL, BE THE BEST DAMN HOOKER YOU CAN BE.

OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN!

IN YOUR CASE, I'D GET THE MONEY UP FRONT.

(GRUNTING)

JACK, TWINS. SWEDISH.

MY PLACE. NOW.

(SCREAMS)

OH, WE'RE TOO LATE!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

OKAY, I GOT TO CALL THE POLICE.

OH... WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

OH, DEAD BODY, RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

I JUST HAD A DREAM I WAS AN EGG AND I WAS BEING HATCHED BY ELIZABETH HASSELBACK.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE, I CAN'T CALL THE POLICE.

I HAVE TO GET RID OF THIS BODY OR CHRIS WILL GO TO PRISON.

AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THOSE PRISON SHOWERS.

I'VE SEEN OZ.

♪ SCRUB-SCRUB HERE, SCRUB-SCRUB THERE ♪

♪ WHETHER YOU'RE WHITE OR BRONZE ♪

♪ A MAN CAN WASH ANOTHER MAN IN THE MERRY OL' LAND OF OZ. ♪

ALL RIGHT, WAIT HERE, STEWIE, WHILE MOMMY GETS THE CEMENT BLOCKS.

(GASPS)

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT HERE?

OH, FINE, OFFICER.

JUST ENJOYING THE SUNSET.

NO LAW AGAINST THAT, IS THERE?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHIRT?

OH, YOU KNOW, JUST... PIZZA PARTY AT THE OFFICE.

OH, YEAH? WHERE DO YOU WORK?

FIRST FIDELITY INSURANCE OVER ON WEYBOSSETT STREET.

OH, MY COUSIN ARNIE WORKS OVER THERE.

OH, ARNIE'S YOUR COUSIN, IS HE?

YOU KNOW HIM?

OH, SOMEWHAT. GOOD MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT TYPE.

JUST SORT OF BLENDS IN WITH THE FURNITURE, THOUGH.

NEVER REALLY WOWED ANYONE AT THE OFFICE.

YEAH, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN ARNIE'S PROBLEM.

WELL, TAKE IT EASY.

YES, YES, YOU TOO, YOU TOO.

OH, AND IF YOU SEE ARNIE, TELL HIM "OOGITY-BOOGITY-BOO."

HE'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

A GUY IN A BLUE SUIT.

(GASPS)

THERE'S ONE RIGHT BEHIND ME, ISN'T THERE?

YOU KNOW, LOIS, CHRIS IS COOL AND EVERYTHING, BUT, EH, SINCE HE KILLED THAT GUY, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T BE LIVING WITH US HERE NOW.

PETER, I'M SCARED.

DON'T WORRY SWEETHEART, YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO ESCAPE WHILE HE'S KILLING MEG.

HE HATES HER THE MOST.

HEY, EVERYBODY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER? I'M STARVING.

MY GOD, HIS BLOODLUST IS UNQUENCHABLE.

HEY, CHRIS, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR SISTER INTO THE KITCHEN FOR A SANDWICH?

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

WHY IS EVERYBODY ACTING WEIRD?

CHRIS, HONEY, WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

AND I HAVE TO SAY, HONESTLY, I DON'T APPROVE.

WHAT I DID?

OH, THAT I LIED ABOUT MY AGE TO GET INTO INDIAN BINGO?

UH, NO.

THAT I HAD HARD GAS AND POO'D MYSELF?

CLOSE, BUT STILL, NO.

HOW IS THAT CLOSE?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, CHRIS, YOU MURDERED MR. LOCKHART!

WHAT? NO, I DIDN'T.

OH, COME ON, CHRIS, EVERYONE'S DONE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT PROUD OF.

LIKE WHEN I USED TO BE A WONDER TWIN.

PETER! THE OLD SCHOOL HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

LET'S GO!

BOTH: WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!

FORM OF A HAWK.

COME ON, PETER.

YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

SHAPE OF JAYNA'S TAMPON.

AND NOW I PLAY THE WAITING GAME.

CHRIS, I SAW THE BODY.

PREMEDITATED MURDER IS ONE THING, BUT I WILL NOT HAVE LYING IN THIS HOUSE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

CAN WE FINISH THIS AFTERJOAN OF ARCADIA?

OH, ISJOAN OF ARCADIAON?

(ALL AGREE)

IT'S AN ENJOYABLE PROGRAM.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO BRING YOU A BREAKING NEWS STORY.

WE APOLOGIZE TO JOAN OF ARCADIA'S SANCTIMONIOUS, FEAR-BASED AND PROBABLY OVERWEIGHT VIEWERS.

THAT'S RIGHT, DIANE.

IT APPEARS RONALD LOCKHART HAS BEEN BRUTALLY MURDERED BY HIS WIFE, LANA AND A LOCAL BEAR.

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

CHRIS, I GUESS WE OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

THAT'S OKAY.

I JUST WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO MRS. LOCKHART AND THAT BEAR.

THE WHEREABOUTS OF THESE SUSPECTS ARE CURRENTLY UNKNOWN.

YOU READY?

WHAT'S THAT?

I THOUGHT WE'D TRY THAT LOBSTER PLACE WE PASSED IN THE CAR.

YEAH, CAN I JUST, UH, FINISH WATCHING THIS?

YOU CAN WATCH TV ANYTIME. I'M STARVING.

LANA, THIS IS GOING TO BE A REAL LONG TRIP IF YOU DON'T KNOCK OFF THE CRAP.

LOVE YOU.