Family Guy S4E23 Script

Deep Throats (2006)

♪ IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪

♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV ♪

♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪

♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY? ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO ♪

♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US ♪

♪ LAUGH AND CRY ♪

♪ HE'S A FAMILY GUY ♪

MALE T.V. ANNOUNCER: TUESDAY ON SCARECROW AND MRS. KING.

MY GOD, WHAT DID THOSE DRUG DEALERS DO TO YOU?

OH, THEY TOOK MY CHEST OUT AND THREW IT OVER THERE.

THEN THEY PULLED MY LEGS OUT AND THREW THEM OVER THERE.

BRIAN, YOU'RE STILL WATCHING TV?

GOD, YOU'VE BEEN SITTING THERE SINCE I LEFT.

YEAH. I SPENT ALL MORNING WATCHING A VH1 SPECIAL ON GWEN STEFANI.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT A "HOLLABACK GIRL" IS.

ALL I KNOW IS I WANT HER DEAD.

HEY, CAN YOU HAND ME THE REMOTE?

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN LAYING AROUND THE HOUSE A LOT LATELY.

WHY DON'T YOU GET A PART-TIME JOB LIKE PETER USED TO HAVE?

♪ DING, FRIES ARE DONE DING, FRIES ARE DONE ♪

♪ DING, FRIES ARE DONE DING, FRIES ARE DONE ♪

♪ I GOTTA RUN, I GOTTA RUN ♪

♪ I GOTTA RUN, I GOTTA RUN ♪

♪ I WORK AT BURGER KING MAKING FLAME BROILED WHOPPERS ♪

♪ I WEAR PAPER HATS ♪

♪ WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT? ♪

♪ DING, FRIES ARE DONE DING, FRIES ARE DONE ♪

♪ DING, FRIES ARE DONE DING, FRIES ARE DONE ♪

♪ I GOTTA RUN, I GOTTA RUN ♪

♪ I GOTTA RUN, I GOTTA RUN ♪

♪ DON'T TOUCH THE FRIES IN HOT FAT ♪

♪ IT REALLY HURTS BAD AND SO DO SKIN GRAFTS ♪

♪ WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU LIKE AN APPLE PIE WITH THAT? ♪

♪ WAIT FOR THE BELL CAN'T HEAR THE BELL ♪

♪ WHERE IS THE BELL? WAIT FOR THE BELL ♪

♪ DING, FRIES ARE DONE ♪

♪ DING, FRIES ARE DONE ♪ MOM, GUESS WHAT?

I JUST FOUND OUT I GOT THAT INTERNSHIP AT MAYOR WEST'S OFFICE.

WOW, CONGRATULATIONS, MEG.

YEAH, IT WAS A REALLY TOUGH INTERVIEW, BUT I TOTALLY NAILED IT.

ALL RIGHT, MEG, WE'RE GOING TO START WITH A LITTLE WORD ASSOCIATION.

I'LL SAY A WORD, AND YOU SAY WHATEVER COMES INTO YOUR HEAD.

OKAY. MOSQUITO.

BITE. HMM. BITE.

MOSQUITO. AH, YES. GOOD ONE.

UH, MOSQUITO. BITE.

MOSQUITO. BITE.

MOSQUITO. BITE.

BITE. MOSQUITO.

AHA! VERY GOOD. YOU ARE A WORTHY OPPONENT, INDEED.

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE HIRED.

YOUR FIRST JOB IS TO GO DOWN TO THE CORNER AND TELL THAT HOBO I ADMIRE HIS SPIRIT.

I'M TOO SELF-CONSCIOUS TO DO IT.

OH, HONEY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU SEE, BRIAN, MEG HAS A JOB.

HEY, MEG, IF YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE MAYOR, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

EVEN YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN BRIAN.

HEY, EVERYBODY, BRIAN'S THE NEW MEG.

BRIAN'S THE NEW MEG. BRIAN'S THE NEW MEG.

YEAH, YOU'RE THE NEW ME.

SHUT UP, MEG.

LET'S GO, KIDS. TIME FOR SCHOOL.

LOIS, I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR MORNING, BUT I FLUSHED A DIAPER.

IT'S A MESS UP THERE.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

BRIAN, WHAT IS THIS? YOU'RE DRIVING A CAB?

WELL, LOIS, I REALIZED YOU WERE RIGHT.

I MEAN, IT'S TIME I WENT OUT AND GOT A JOB.

FOR GOD SAKES, I'M SEVEN YEARS OLD.

SEVEN? THAT'S NOT BAD.

YOU KNOW, TODD WAS 15 WHEN HE DIED.

THE DOG WE HAD BEFORE YOU.

HEY, PETER, DID YOU CALL ME?

YEAH, I THOUGHT WE'D GO TO THE PARK, TODD.

OH, YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME TO THE VET, ARE YOU?

NO, NO, JUST A NICE DAY AT THE PARK.

I'M A LITTLE WORRIED THAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ME PUT DOWN.

I KNOW THERE'S BEEN SOME CONCERN ABOUT MY SPHINCTER'S LOW SHUTTER SPEED.

NO, NO, WE'RE JUST GOING TO THE PARK, TODD.

OH, OKAY, WELL, I'LL ENJOY THE RIDE, THEN.

AROUND THE PARK ONE MORE TIME, BITTERMAN.

PETER, I'M NOT YOUR CHAUFFEUR.

NOT FOR LONG WITH THAT ATTITUDE, BITTERMAN.

(GROANS)

AH! THIS IS LIVING, BITTERMAN.

THIS SET OF WHEELS IS EVEN BETTER THAN THOSE TALKING CARS ON THAT COMMERCIAL.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING THERE?

LISTEN, UH, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU ACROSS THE PARKING LOT AND, UH...

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND, UH...

YOU WANT TO GO BEHIND THE APPLEBEE'S AND DO IT? HUH?

YOU WANT TO JUST GO HAVE SOME DIRTY, STUPID, INSANE PARKING-LOT SEX?

CHUCK, IT'S ME, MORTY.

YEAH, 'CAUSE WE COULD... WHAT?

YEAH, THEY HAD ME PAINTED.

OH! OH, MY GOD, I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

OH, MY... HEY, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

NO, NO, THAT, TOO, BUT... IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, YOU KNOW.

MORTY, OH, MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LOOK AT YOU.

THINK I WAS LIKE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR THE KID OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE-- YOU'RE-- YOU'RE HOT.

I KNOW. I WOULD'VE TAKEN YOU...

YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD'VE DONE TO YOU BACK THERE?

YEAH? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING EARLIER?

I SAID ALL THAT STUFF. GOD!

LET'S NOT-- LET'S NOT RULE ANYTHING OUT.

HEY, LOOK, THERE'S LOIS. YEAH.

HEY, HONK THE HORN.

(HORN HONKING)

OH, HI, PETER.

(LAUGHING) RAM HER. WHAT?

I SAID RAM HER!

AH! WHAT THE HELL?

NOW SHOOT HER TIRES OUT. WHAT?

YOU GOT A GUN? WELL, YEAH.

EVERY CABBIE CARRIES A GUN, BUT...

GIVE ME THE GUN.

(SCREAMING)

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, PETER? YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME!

YEAH, BUT I GOT YOU GOOD, LOIS.

ADMIT IT. JUST SAY IT, I GOT YOU.

(LAUGHING)

OH, ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT ME.

(BOTH LAUGHING) I TOLD YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, NO, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

WE GOT INTO A LITTLE ACCIDENT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. OH, NO.

WELL, I GUESS ACCIDENTS HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT THEM.

THAT'S HOW COME THEY CALL THEM ACCIDENTS.

OH, LOOK, YOU GOT THE COMMUNITY EVENTS CORKBOARD WEDGED IN YOUR GRILL.

THERE, THAT'S BETTER.

DON'T YOU ALL FORGET TO SIGN UP FOR THE QUAHOG COMMUNITY TALENT SHOW.

TALENT SHOW? OH, PETER, THAT COULD BE FUN.

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE A CHANCE AT WINNING?

ABSOLUTELY. I LOVE BEING AROUND THE STAGE.

EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME WE WENT TO SEE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

♪ MUSIC IS THE GIFT I GIVE TO YOU ♪ PETER: LET'S SEE THE GROSS HALF OF YOUR FACE!

COME ON!

LET'S SEE THE GROSS HALF OF YOUR FACE SO I CAN GET OUT OF HERE!

THAT NOSE BETTER BE PIGGY.

SHUT UP. YOU SHUT UP.

♪(SINGING)

OH, YOUR OLD GUITAR. I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT THING IN AGES.

WELL, LOIS, I THOUGHT YOU AND ME COULD DO A SONG FOR THE TALENT SHOW.

IT COULD BE JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS WHEN WE USED TO PLAY.

YOU REMEMBER, LOIS?

REMEMBER OUR BAND, HANDFUL OF PETER?

HI, THERE. I'M PETER, AND THIS IS LOIS.

WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A FRIEND OF OURS.

HE'S NOT HERE TONIGHT.

ALTHOUGH, YOU KNOW, HE'S KIND OF HERE, LOIS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT. HE KIND OF IS.

YEAH, BECAUSE HE'S IN OUR HEARTS.

THIS IS A SONG ABOUT THAT MAN AND HIS WORLD THAT WAS TAKEN FROM HIM.

♪ NOBLE INDIAN CHIEF, BRING US BACK YOUR WAYS ♪

♪ YOU INDIANS WERE SO AWESOME IN, OH, SO MANY WAYS ♪

♪ THEY ALL LOVED EACH OTHER REGARDLESS OF THE TRIBE ♪

♪ ONE COMANCHE NEEDS A CUP OF SUGAR ♪

♪ AND THE BLACKFOOT WOULD OBLIGE ♪

♪ OBLIGE ♪

♪ THE ONLY CAUSE OF DEATH WAS DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP ♪

♪ AND THEY LEFT THIS PIECE OF WISDOM ♪

♪ THAT WE HOPE YOU ALL WILL KEEP ♪

♪ AND THEY SAID ♪

THEY'RE GONE NOW.

HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?

BOTH: HOW?

OH, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT IN YEARS.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE FUN TO WRITE SOME NEW SONGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS FUN? WATCHING   MR. BELVEDERE WITHOUT PEOPLE TALKING SO LOUD.

SO I WAS THINKING WE COULD...

♪ STREAKS ON THE CHINA ♪

♪ NEVER MATTERED BEFORE ♪

♪ WHO CARED ♪

♪ WHEN YOU DROP KICK YOUR JACKET ♪

♪ WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ NO ONE GLARED ♪

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

HELLO. HEY, LOIS, WHAT'S UP?

MILK? YEAH, I'LL PICK SOME UP AT THE END OF MY SHIFT.

OH, GOTTA GO. FIRST FARE OF THE NIGHT.

I SHOULD REALLY PICK UP THAT MILK NOW BEFORE I FORGET.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

HEY, BRIAN, YOU SEE THAT MAGAZINE COVER RIGHT THERE?

SEE WHO'S ON IT?

YEAH, THAT'S JESSICA ALBA.

YEAH, YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET, BUDDY?

WHAT? I WOULD DO HER.

REALLY? OH, YEAH.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHO I AM.

THANKS FOR THE MILK, CARL.

WHAT THE HELL? $400?

MY GOD, THIS IS A BIGGER RIPOFF THAN PETER'S SOUNDS OF THE RAINFOREST CD.

THIS WILL HELP US FALL ASLEEP, LOIS.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(MONKEYS SCREECHING)

(LION ROARING)

(TRUCK BACKING UP)

MAN 1: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET RID OF ALL THESE TREES.

MAN 2: ONCE THEY'RE GONE, THIS'LL BE A GREAT PLACE TO RAISE CHEAP BEEF.

UP YOURS, STING! YEAH, YEAH!

HEY, WHAT'S THAT SONG HE DOES THAT I HATE?

UH, DESERT ROSE.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT SONG SUCKS.

(ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING)

MEG, I'M GOING TO LUNCH NOW, AND I'M HAVING PIZZA.

SO IF YOU SEE THE NOID RUNNING AROUND, TELL HIM IF HE RUINS MY PIZZA'S FRESHNESS, I'LL SNAP HIS NECK.

HEY, MEG, I NEED TO SEE THE MAYOR ABOUT THIS $400 PARKING TICKET.

BRIAN, YOU CAN'T JUST BARGE IN HERE.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

BUT THIS IS FLAT-OUT EXTORTION.

NO, IT'S NOT. ADAM CAN CHARGE WHATEVER HE WANTS FOR A PARKING TICKET.

YOU KNOW, MEG, THAT GUY'S BEEN PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH HIS POSITION FOR YEARS NOW, AND I'VE HAD IT.

HE'S A CORRUPT BASTARD.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

YES, IT IS.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO STAND UP AND PROVE TO THIS TOWN THAT HE'S A CROOK.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS TO BE ME.

WHAT WAS ALL THE COMMOTION?

OH, NOTHING, IT WAS JUST...

(GIGGLING)

(SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

(NECK SNAPPING)

PERHAPS IT WAS THE NOID WHO SHOULD'VE AVOIDED ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT, BRIAN?

IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO SPELL "HAT" WITH THESE THINGS.

I FINALLY GOT THE "T" RIGHT SIDE UP, AND THEN YOU COME IN HERE...

YOU'RE A BASTARD. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO EXPOSE MAYOR WEST AS THE CORRUPT POLITICIAN THAT HE IS.

I'M ON MY WAY TO MEET A SOURCE WHO WON'T TALK TO ME OVER THE PHONE.

OOH! SCANDAL IN QUAHOG. COUNT ME IN.

OH, MY GOD, SPEED UP, SPEED UP, SPEED UP.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, YOU HONKY SON OF A BITCH, COME BACK HERE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING, DEEP THROAT.

YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF I DON'T COME OUT FROM THE SHADOWS.

MY IDENTITY WILL BE SAFEST IF YOU NEVER SEE MY FACE.

UH, OKAY.

MAYOR WEST HASN'T SLEPT AT HOME FOR THREE NIGHTS.

KERMIT THE FROG?

(GASPS) SOMEBODY TALKED! NO ONE IS SAFE!

I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!

(EXCLAIMING)

WHAT'S HIS APPEAL?

♪ THEY SHOULD MAKE A TUBE THAT SENDS YOU RIGHT TO WORK ♪

♪ THAT WOULD SAVE A LOT OF GAS ♪

♪ BUT I GUESS THERE'D BE A LOT OF TUBES ♪ WELL, THAT WASN'T VERY GOOD.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA WIN THAT TALENT SHOW.

HEY, NOW, PETER, YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THAT WHEN WE USED TO WRITE THE OLD SONGS, WE HAD A LOT OF "INSPIRATION," HUH?

YOU KNOW, I THINK BRIAN MAY HAVE SOME INSPIRATION IN A CIGAR BOX UNDER HIS BED.

I DON'T KNOW, LOIS. I DON'T THINK THIS IS GONNA WORK.

COME ON, WE CAN'T GIVE UP ON OUR GOALS.

WHAT IF JESUS HAD DONE THAT?

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

WHY IS THE IRONING BOARD STILL OUT?

THAT'S-- THAT'S MY FAVORITE PICTURE OF BRIAN OVER THERE ON THAT WALL.

HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME SO BAD.

(LAUGHING)

HE'S NOT...

HE'S NOT GONNA GET TO.

(LAUGHING)

ALL RIGHT. THERE HE GOES. LET'S MOVE.

I SAY, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

I DON'T KNOW, SOME PROOF OF MAYOR WEST'S CORRUPTION.

WHOA, WHOA, WHAT--WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

I'M SORRY. WE HAPPEN TO BE HERE TO SOLVE A CASE.

UH, WE WERE HERE FIRST.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS IS A FREE COUNTRY, DUDE, AND WE ARE HERE TO GO TO WORK.

FREE COUNTRY, BUT THIS IS OUR BEAT, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, BUT WE ARE HERE TO GO TO WORK.

WE'VE BEEN CALLED, AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I TELL YOU.

HOW ABOUT YOU JUST TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT...

WE DO NOT WALK AWAY.

I'LL GET YOU STARTED.

♪(HUMMING)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, BRIAN?

STILL TRYING TO SMEAR MY BOSS?

NO, NO, NO. I ACTUALLY CAME TO MY SENSES AND REALIZED I WAS OUT OF LINE.

UH, I'M JUST HERE TO APOLOGIZE.

OH, AND, UH, YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

YOU'RE ALWAYS PRETTY.

OH, YOU GUYS ARE SO SWEET.

WELL, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

HEY, CAN YOU GUYS HOLD ON A SEC?

I GOTTA GET THIS TO HELEN IN ACCOUNTING.

OKAY, BYE.

(RETCHING)

AHA!

THE MAYOR'S DATEBOOK.

THIS SHOULD TELL US WHAT WE WANNA KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, GOD, I FEEL MORE DELIRIOUS THAN MY COUSIN, STEWIE CRUISE.

I'M IN LOVE WITH KATIE HOLMES! I'M IN LOVE WITH KATIE HOLMES!

I'M NOT GAY! GO SEE MY NEW MOVIE!

I'M IN LOVE WITH KATIE HOLMES! I'M NOT GAY!

ALL WE NEED IS ONE INCRIMINATING ENTRY IN THIS DATEBOOK, AND THAT'S OUR TICKET TO...

HEY, BRIAN. WHAT'S UP?

UH, HI, UH, LOIS, PETER.

BRIAN, DID YOU KNOW THIS COUCH WAS HERE?

IT'S SO COMFORTABLE.

HEY, LOIS, LOOK HOW SHORT STEWIE IS.

(GIGGLING) HE'S SO SHORT.

OH, MY GOD. HE IS SHORT.

HEY.

HEY, BRIAN.

HE'S KNOCKING ON THE BACK DOOR.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

WHAT?

HE'S KNOCKING ON THE BACK DOOR.

SHOULD I LET HIM IN?

I'M SCARED.

WELL, UH, YOU TWO ARE BUSY BEING NUDE.

SO, UM, WE'LL JUST, UH, HEAD OUT AND, UH, LET YOU BE NUDE.

WHO WERE THOSE GUYS?

I DON'T KNOW.

ROOM FOR ONE MORE?

WELL, THIS IS THE LAST ENTRY IN THE DATEBOOK.

"SUPER SECRET MEETING AT MOTEL. INFORM NO ONE."

I THINK WE GOT HIM NOW.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T LIE ON THAT BEDSPREAD.

I SAW THIS REPORT ON TV ABOUT HOW FILTHY HOTEL ROOMS ARE.

IN A MOMENT, WE WILL USE THE SPECIAL LIGHTS TO SEE JUST HOW FILTHY THIS SEEMINGLY CLEAN HOTEL ROOM REALLY IS.

(ANIMALS CALLING)

WELL? WHAT DO YOU SEE?

OH, JEM, YOU ARE TRULY OUTRAGEOUS.

TRULY, TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGEOUS.

I SEE A GROWN MAN ENJOYING CARTOONS.

(SIGHING) WELL, THAT'S IT, THEN.

THE ONLY THING THIS GUY IS GUILTY OF IS BEING A WHACK JOB.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. SOMEBODY'S COMING IN.

OH, IT'S JUST SOME FAT HOOKER.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S MEG! WHAT?

MEG AND ADAM WEST.

EW!

(SHEEP BLEATING) SORRY, SORRY.

GOD, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

THE MAYOR IS DATING A TEENAGE INTERN, AND IT'S MEG.

WHAT A STORY.

THIS IS THE PERFECT SCANDAL TO TAKE HIM DOWN.

ALL WE NEED IS TAPED EVIDENCE.

WELL, I'VE GOT THE DISGUISES RIGHT HERE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET THE SUIT AND THE TOP HAT.

I LIKED THIS ONE BETTER.

ANYTHING TO WEAR A DRESS, HUH?

GOSH, YOU'RE SWELL, MEG.

I REALLY HAVE A GREAT TIME WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

OH, MAYOR WEST, I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.

PLEASE, PLEASE. CALL ME MAYOR CHAPSTICK.

WELL, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

(GASPS) HERE THEY COME. KISS ME.

COME ON, WE GOTTA FOLLOW THEM.

STEWIE?

HUH? OH. OH.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? UH, YEAH.

UH...

HEY, LISTEN, FREAKING SHOT IN THE DARK.

YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING SOMETIME?

GREAT PRACTICE, LOIS.

WE ARE TOTALLY READY FOR THAT TALENT SHOW.

OH, MY GOD, PETER, I AM SO WASTED.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE COOKIES.

(GASPS) OH, MY GOD, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.

LET'S MAKE COOKIES.

WE DON'T HAVE TO, LOIS.

LOOK, THERE'S A MAGICAL LAND OF DESSERTS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

HELP! STOP!

(GASPS)

OH, BRIAN. YOU SCARED ME.

ANOTHER LATE NIGHT, HUH?

YEAH, MAYOR WEST KEEPS ME PRETTY BUSY.

YEAH, I NOTICED.

(GASPS)

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

MEG, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO?

YOU REALIZE HE PROBABLY DOES THIS WITH EVERY NEW INTERN.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. ADAM AND I ARE IN LOVE.

OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

LISTEN, I'M WARNING YOU BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU.

I AM GOING TO THE PRESS WITH THIS STORY, AND WHEN IT HITS, IT'LL BE BIGGER THAN UNCLE SAM'S NIPPLES.

JEEZ! WHAT THE HELL?

UH, THEY'RE CALLED NIPPLES, GUYS.

THEY'RE FREAKING HUGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE WE CAN JUST ALL RELAX AND ENJOY THE SAUNA.

♪(MUSIC PLAYING ON T.V.)

I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, ADAM.

YOU'RE AN ALIEN. I KNOW.

NO, NO, MY DOG IS GONNA EXPOSE OUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE PRESS.

WELL, SO WHAT?

YOU AND I KNOW THAT WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.

I TOLD YOU THAT I'D WAIT FOR YOU UNTIL YOU'RE 18 OR 21.

OR MAYBE 25, WHEN YOU CAN LEGALLY RENT A CAR.

THEY DON'T CARE.

THEY'RE GONNA MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MONSTER.

I SEE.

WELL, MEG, I'M A PUBLIC FIGURE.

I'M USED TO THE TABLOIDS' DOODIE.

IT'S YOU I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

YOU'RE JUST A SWEET YOUNG LADY WITH HER WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HER.

THIS STORY COULD RUIN YOUR FUTURE, AND I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.

I'LL TAKE THE FALL, NO MATTER WHAT.

GOODBYE, MEG. I'LL ALWAYS VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

I LOVE YOU, MAYOR CHAPSTICK.

(BRIAN CLEARING HIS THROAT)

(GASPS) BRIAN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I, UH, JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU THIS.

I DON'T THINK I'LL BE NEEDING IT ANYMORE.

I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN TAKING DOWN MAYOR WEST THAT I JUST LOST SIGHT OF RIGHT AND WRONG.

THANK YOU, BRIAN.

WELL, CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT HOME?

MY CAB'S RIGHT OUTSIDE.

(SHOUTING)

(ROARING)

GOOD EVENING. I'M DIANE SIMMONS, AND I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO QUAHOG'S FIFTH ANNUAL TALENT SHOW.

LET'S HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OUR FIRST PERFORMER.

♪ THERE'S NO MOUSTACHE LIKE MY FATHER'S MOUSTACHE ♪

♪ THAT'S THE BIGGEST MOUSTACHE IN TOWN ♪ PLAY ME OFF, JOHNNY.

WHAT ELSE BE FUNNY TONIGHT?

UH, STAR JONES GOT MARRIED. THAT WAS IN THE NEWS.

MARRIED A BLACK FELLOW, WHICH IS QUITE A SURPRISE BECAUSE I'D CALL HER QUITE A CATCH.

AND BLACK GUYS, BY AND LARGE, THEY'RE NOT SO HELPFUL ON A FISHING VESSEL.

NOW, PORTUGUESE, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.

I EVEN HAD A COUPLE OF JAPANESE GUYS WHO WORKED OUT GREAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TERRIFIC.

AND NOW, OUR FINAL PERFORMANCE OF THE NIGHT.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HANDFUL OF PETER.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

♪ IN GOD'S EYES, EVERYBODY'S HOT ♪

♪ THIS WORLD HAS BEAUTY ALL THROUGH HER ♪

♪ PICTURE THE FATTEST CHICK YOU KNOW ♪

♪ GOD WOULD TOTALLY DO HER ♪

♪ HE'D DO HER ALL THE WAY EVEN CALL HER THE NEXT DAY ♪

♪ TO SEE HOW HER WORK WAS GOING ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST THE TALENT SHOW. WHAT'D WE DO WRONG?

WELL, DAD, I THINK I CAN SHED A LITTLE LIGHT ON THAT.

YOU GUYS WERE SO BAKED, YOU DIDN'T SOUND ANYWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AS YOU THOUGHT YOU DID.

I WAS IN THE AUDIENCE.

(BOTH SHOUTING)

AND HERE WE THOUGHT THE WEED WAS INSPIRING US.

WELL, THAT'S A POPULAR MISCONCEPTION, MOM AND DAD.

BUT THE FACT IS THE CHIEF INGREDIENT IN MARIJUANA IS THC, A MILD FORM OF ACID, PROLONGED USAGE OF WHICH CAN CAUSE ADVERSE EFFECTS TO YOUR SEXUAL POTENCY, SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS, AND CAN ALSO SEVERELY DAMAGE YOUR BRAIN TISSUE, CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM AND BASIC MOTOR SKILLS.

TO PUT IT SIMPLY, MOM AND DAD, THERE'S A REASON THAT THEY CALL IT DOPE.

TRYING TO WATCH MR. BELVEDERE.

SO MY ADVICE TO THE TWO OF YOU WOULD BE...

♪ ACCORDING TO OUR NEW ARRIVAL ♪

♪ LIFE IS MORE THAN MERE SURVIVAL ♪

♪ AND WE JUST MIGHT LIVE THE GOOD LIFE YET ♪

♪(HUMMING)