Family Guy S4E5 Script

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (2005)

♪ IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪

♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV ♪

♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪

♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY?

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO ♪

♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US

♪ LAUGH AND CRY

♪ HE'S... A... FAM... ILY... GUY! ♪

PETER, THANKS A LOT FOR HAVING US OUT ON YOUR BOAT.

NO PROBLEM.

PETER, ARE YOU SURE SANTOS AND PASQUAL DON'T MIND COMING IN ON A SATURDAY TO SERVE US DRINKS?

ARE YOU KIDDING, LOIS?

THEY'RE PORTUGUESE; WORK IS THEIR COCAINE.

BESIDES, LOOK AT THEM IN THEIR TUXEDOS.

THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE PEOPLE.

(SPEAKING PORTUGUESE)

HEY, MEG, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

YEAH... NO, I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

UH... HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

UH, YOU'RE, UH, LISTEN, YOU'RE 17 NOW, RIGHT?

UM... UH, I WAS JUST THROWING IT OUT THERE, I WAS THINKING, UH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU EVER WANT TO, I DON'T KNOW, SCREW AROUND OR SOMETHING.

UH, HEY, JOE!

UH... SO, YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUST SOMETHING TO MULL AROUND THE OLD NOGGIN.

DAMN! WHAT IS IT ABOUT GOLF THAT ALWAYS BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN ME?

SO, ANNIKA SORENSTAM, YOU'RE QUITE THE FEMALE GOLFER, AREN'T YOU?

YES, QUITE THE FEMALE GOLFER.

HA! I KNEW IT!

LOOK! EVERYBODY LOOK!

LOOK! SHE'S A FRAUD!

ALL RIGHT, I CAUGHT A FISH!

OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, LORETTA.

HEY, UH, CAN I HAVE MY FISH BACK?

OH, YOU GON' HAVE TO REACH INTO THE COOKIE JAR.

WE-UH... WELL, I... I CAN'T JUST, UH...

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND'S WIFE.

REACH INTO... ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YOU GO IN AND GET THAT.

SHOW THAT FISHY WHO'S BOSS.

LORETTA, THEY HAVE SOME OF THAT THREE-BEAN SALAD YOU'RE SO FOND OF.

HEY, QUAGMIRE.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLING): WELL, WE'LL, UH...

HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.

YOU NAME THE TIME AND THE PLACE, LITTLE NECK.

(SNICKERS)

(LAUGHING AND MUMBLING)

(LAUGHING): OH, YOU DI...

UH, UH...

(LAUGHING)

HUH?

OH, I'VE ALWAYS LOVED CHARADES.

YOUR TURN, JOE.

THE CATEGORY IS "FAMOUS PEOPLE."

OKAY, GUESS WHO I AM.

IRONSIDE! LARRY FLYNT!

STEVEN HAWKING! DR. STRANGELOVE!

ROY CAMPANELLA!

RICHARD PETTY! LANCE ARMSTRONG!

NEIL ARMSTRONG! STRETCH ARMSTRONG!

STRETCH CUNNINGHAM! HOWARD CUNNINGHAM!

POTSIE WEBER!

OH, NATALIE WOOD! DEFINITELY NATALIE WOOD!

SOMEBODY SAVE HIM; HE CAN'T SWIM!

OH, HE'S NOT EVEN KICKING.

KICK, JOE, KICK!

PETER, HE'S A PARAPLEGIC!

THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN'T HEAR.

KICK, JOE! KICK!

SOMEBODY HELP HIM!

AW, GAY!

(COUGHING AND RETCHING)

YOU WERE RIGHT, PETER.

IT WAS NATALIE WOOD.

LOIS, WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE TO TAKE A STUPID CPR CLASS?

BECAUSE, PETER, NONE OF US KNEW WHAT TO DO WHEN JOE WAS DROWNING.

NOW BE QUIET AND PAY ATTENTION.

HI, THERE.

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME Y'ALL TO CPR.

I SEE A LOT OF SMILES HERE IN THIS ROOM.

THERE'S ONE.

OH, THERE'S ANOTHER.

THAT'S GOOD.

I SEE THAT SODA UP UNDER YOUR CHAIR.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT; SODA'S ALL RIGHT ON MY WATCH.

WE ALSO GOT OREOS HERE, AND FRESH COFFEE.

EVERYBODY LIKES A SNACK.

NOW, WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?

NO TAKERS?

WELL, FINE, I'LL GO FIRST.

PETER, WHY DON'T YOU VOLUNTEER?

OH, NO, I DON'T VOLUNTEER FOR ANYTHING SINCE I HELPED THOSE GUYS REPAINT THE SISTINE CHAPEL.

YEAH, UH, LISTEN, I THOUGHT THE STUFF THAT WAS THERE WAS KIND OF LAME, SO I PUT THIS UP.

I FIGURED ANDRé THE GIANT WOULD BE A LITTLE HIPPER, YOU KNOW?

GET BACK SOME OF THOSE BOYS YOU SCARED AWAY.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL THERE IS TO IT.

EH. IT'S HARD, JAGGED AND TASTES LIKE ALCOHOL.

JUST LIKE KISSING FAYE DUNAWAY.

(EXAGGERATED LAUGHTER)

EASY, NOW.

WELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE JUST DID THAT. HMM.

UM, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, THAT STUFF ABOUT SPENDING THE DAY TOGETHER TOMORROW, UM, I-I FORGOT; ACTUALLY, I HAVE A THING...

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE MY E-MAIL ADDRESS, SO DROP ME A LINE, AND THEN I'LL HAVE YOURS, AND, UH, WE'LL TAKE IT FROM THERE, SO, UM...

BOOP-BOOP.

BELLY BUTTON.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

SO, IT'S OFFICIAL.

Y'ALL ARE CARD- CARRYING LIFESAVERS.

HOLY CRAP! A CARD WITH MY NAME ON IT!

I AM NOW PETER GRIFFIN, CERTIFIED CPR.

COME ON, LOIS, I'VE GOT LIVES TO SAVE!

THANKS. BE SAFE.

OH, NOBODY HAD ANY OF THE COFFEE.

ONLY A COUPLE OF OREOS GONE.

I'M GOING TO TAKE THE REST HOME TO THE CATS.

(TIRES SCREECHING, CRASHING)

SORRY, I WAS DIALING THE PHONE.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THERE'S ANY...

PETER GRIFFIN, CERTIFIED CPR; DON'T ANYONE PANIC.

AH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK HE'S HURT.

I'LL GET TO YOU IN A MOMENT, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CHECK AND SEE IF HE SOILED HIMSELF.

SIR, SIR, SIR... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

SIR, I'VE GOT TO CHECK AND SEE IF YOU SOILED YOURSELF.

GET OFF OF ME! ARE YOU CRAZY?! AAH!

SIR, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO STOP STRUGGLING.

OW! I HURT MY ELBOW! SOMEBODY CALL A COP!

I'VE GOT TO GET THESE TROUSERS OFF.

SOMEBODY CALL A COP! OW! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

NOBODY ASKED YOU TO GET INVOLVED, YOU IDIOT!

GET OFF HIM, YOU JACKASS!

SIR, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO STEP BACK.

ALL RIGHT, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE CLEAN DOWN HERE.

YOU GUYS TAKE IT EASY.

NO NEED TO THANK ME; JUST PAY IT FORWARD.

SO, THEY REVOKED YOUR CPR CARD, HUH?

YEAH. I TELL YOU, THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN THEY TOOK AWAY MY LIBRARY CARD FOR READING WHILE INTOXICATED.

OH, DON'T BE ASHAMED OF YOUR HAND, JOHNNY TREMAINE!

YOU STILL LIVE IN EXCITING TIMES!

AW, CRAP.

SIR, DO YOU KNOW HOW LOUD YOU WERE READING?

"THE LIFE OF A SILVERSMITH'S APPRENTICE WAS NOT AN EASY ONE..." AAH!

(WHIMPERING)

I GOT TO FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO GET THAT CARD BACK.

WELL, YOU COULD ALWAYS TAKE THE CLASS AGAIN.

I MEAN, I'M SURE THEY'D GIVE YOU ANOTHER CARD.

(WOMAN SCREAMING) HEY, DO YOU HEAR THAT?

WHAT? SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S SCREAMING.

WHAT IS IT, BOY?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

IT SOUNDS LIKE LORETTA IS SCREAMING.

TROUBLE AT THE OLD MILL? WHAT, ARE YOU INSANE?

SOMEBODY FALL THROUGH THE ICE?

IT'S SUMMER. BOBCAT?

(BARKING) LORETTA'S IN TROUBLE!

COME ON, BOY!

PETER GRIFFIN, TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED CPR.

HOLY CRAP!

WE SHOULD GO.

BOY, THAT WAS EMBARRASSING, HUH?

WALKING IN ON LORETTA AND CLEVELAND HAVING SEX.

UH, PETER, THAT WASN'T, UH...

YOU KNOW, FOR A LARGE, HEAVYSET BLACK GUY, CLEVELAND'S GOT A CUTE LITTLE WHITE ASS.

THAT WASN'T CLEVELAND.

IT WAS SOME WHITE GUY.

WHAT WAS THAT?

SHUT UP AND PUT SOME MORE OF THAT SUGAR IN MY BOWL!

WAIT A MINUTE.

BRIAN, IF THAT WASN'T CLEVELAND DOING IT WITH LORETTA, THEN LORETTA'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.

OH, WE CAN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS.

THAT IS THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD WE WANT TO DO.

WHAT A DAY!

WE'VE DONE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.

SO, I GUESS THE ONLY THING LEFT TO DO IS TELL YOU THAT LORETTA BROWN IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

GOOD LORD! OH, NO!

OH, GOD, I'M SCREWED.

THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT TIME I HAD TO 'FESS UP TO THE NATION.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I HAVE NOT BEEN ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL WITH YOU.

I DID GAGOOGITY THAT GIRL.

I GASHMOIGITIED HER GAFLAVITY WITH MY GOOGIS.

AND I AM SORRY.

UH, ANY IDEA WHO IT WAS, PETER?

NO, WE DIDN'T SEE HIS FACE.

(RELIEVED LAUGHTER)

ALL WE KNOW IS IT'S A SKINNY WHITE GUY WITH A TATTOO ON HIS LEFT BUTT CHEEK.

WELL, I BETTER TELL CLEVELAND.

I GOT A KNACK FOR DELIVERING BAD NEWS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, MR. DEVANNEY, SO I'LL LET THESE GUYS DO IT.

(SPRIGHTLY RAGTIME PIANO INTRO)

♪ YOU HAVE AIDS

♪ YES, YOU HAVE AIDS♪

♪ I HATE TO TELL YOU, BOY ♪

♪ THAT YOU HAVE AIDS

♪ YOU GOT THE AIDS♪

♪ YOU MAY HAVE CAUGHT IT WHEN YOU STUCK ♪

♪ THAT FILTHY NEEDLE IN HERE ♪

♪ OR MAYBE ALL THAT UNPROTECTED SEX, BUT YOU HEAR♪

♪ IT ISN'T CLEAR

♪ BUT WHAT WE'RE CERTAIN OF IS♪

♪ YOU HAVE AIDS

♪ YES, YOU HAVE AIDS♪

♪ NOT HIV, BUT FULL-BLOWN AIDS ♪

♪ BE SURE THAT YOU SEE♪

♪ THAT THIS IS NOT HIV♪

♪ BUT FULL-BLOWN AIDS

♪ NOT HIV, BUT REALLY FULL-BLOWN AIDS ♪

♪ I'M SORRY, I WISH IT WAS SOMETHING LESS SERIOUS♪

♪ BUT IT'S AIDS

♪ YOU'VE GOT THE AIDS.

SO, LISTEN, CLEVELAND, UM, THE REASON I ASKED YOU OUT HERE, UH, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

INSUPERMAN II, WHAT IS THE STORY WITH THAT CELLOPHANE "S" THAT SUPERMAN RIPS OFF HIS CHEST AND THROWS AT THE BAD GUY?

PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED, SUPERMAN.

WHAT WAS THAT?

YEAH, TAKE THAT, YOU JERK.

THAT WAS A MINOR INCONVENIENCE.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S THE IDEA.

SLOWED YOU DOWN. I'LL SAY. OW.

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU?

NO. YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, TAKE THAT.

WHICH ACTUALLY BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT.

UH, YOUR WIFE'S CHEATING ON YOU.

WHAT?!

YEAH, UH, IT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY FUNNY STORY, UH, TRUE STORY.

UH, BRIAN AND I WALKED INTO YOUR HOUSE AND, UH, SHE WAS WITH SOME GUY GOING BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM...!

UH, PETER, UH, MAYBE, UH... HANG ON, I'M NOT DONE.

BAM-BAM-BAM!

AND THEN SHE'S ALL, "OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH!"

BAM-BAM-BAM!

YOU WANT TO TAKE IT FROM HERE, BAMM-BAMM?

BAM-BAM, BAM-BAM-BAM!

YOU WANT TO TAKE IT FROM HERE, EMERIL?

BAM!

SO, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH.

ANY THOUGHTS?

LORETTA, IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING?

WERE YOU REALLY HAVING CARNAL RELATIONS WITH ANOTHER GENTLEMAN?

I'M A WOMAN, CLEVELAND.

I NEED SOME PASSION IN MY LIFE.

I NEED A REAL MAN, AND LORD KNOWS THAT AIN'T YOU.

WELL, I ADMIT AFTER A LONG DAY AT WORK, I DON'T ALWAYS COME HOME WITH THAT "REUNITE ON ICE, THAT'S NICE" MENTALITY.

AND FOR THAT, I APOLOGIZE.

"APOLOGIZE"? I CHEAT ONYOU, AND YOU APOLOGIZE TOME?

CLEVELAND BROWN, YOU ARE PATHETIC.

I DISAGREE, BUT I RESPECT YOUR CANDOR.

GOOD-BYE, CLEVELAND!

I LOVE YOU...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

OH, HI, CLEVELAND.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, LORETTA KICKED ME OUT.

OH, CLEVELAND, I AM SO SORRY.

YOU CAN STAY HERE AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

CLEVELAND, SIT DOWN.

I WANT TO SING A LITTLE SONG THAT, UH, KEPT ME GOING WHEN I HAD TROUBLES.

(OPENING GUITAR RIFF FROM "ROCK LOBSTER")

♪ WE WERE AT THE BEACH

♪ EVERYBODY HAD MATCHING TOWELS ♪

♪ SOMEBODY WENT UNDER A DOCK ♪

♪ AND THERE THEY SAW A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT IT WASN'T A ROCK

♪ IT WAS A ROCK LOBSTER

♪ ROCK LOBSTER!

(YELPING): ♪ ROCK LOBSTER...

(GOOFY CHUCKLE)

YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY.

NOW, EVERYBODY, CLEVELAND'S GOING TO BE STAYING WITH US FOR A FEW DAYS.

THAT'S RIGHT, KIDS, SO JUST TREAT HIM LIKE ONE OF THE FAMILY.

YOU MEAN LIKE COUSIN JEANINE, WHO WE'RE POLITE TO BUT THEN MOCK HER DIABETES ON THE DRIVE HOME?

HA-HA-HA-HA! SHE CAN'T EAT CARAMEL!

(LAUGHING): EXACTLY.

C-CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR?

I'M GOING TO DO IT; I'M GOING TO TOUCH IT.

OH, IT'S LIKE A SHEEP!

YOU KNOW, PETER, I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT CLEVELAND.

HIS WIFE CHEATED ON HIM, KICKED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND HE DOESN'T SEEM AT ALL AFFECTED BY IT.

HE'S PROBABLY BOTTLING UP HIS EMOTIONS.

THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

RIGHT. I ALMOST GOT AN ULCER AFTER YOU SHELLED OUT 200 BUCKS FOR TICKETS TOCROSSING OVER WITH JOHN EDWARD.

I'M SENSING AN "A."

DOES YOUR NAME BEGIN WITH AN "A"?

NO.

A "B"? NO.

C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...

"P"! PETER! MY NAME'S PETER!

IS YOUR NAME PETER?

WOW. YOU ARE SOME KIND OF SORCERER.

WHAT CLEVELAND REALLY NEEDS RIGHT NOW IS TO LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS.

NAH, WHAT HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW IS A REVENGE LAY, AND I KNOW JUST WHO TO TALK TO.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

OH, GOD.

HUH, SORRY GUYS. LET ME THROW SOMETHING ON.

PETER, LOOK!

HOLY CRAP! THAT'S THE TATTOO!

WELL, I THINK WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHO THE CULPRIT IS.

555-0143.

PETER, I... SHUT UP, BRIAN!

I'M SLEUTHING.

(PHONE RINGS)

HELLO? QUAGMIRE?

YEAH. HEY, IT'S PETER.

WHAT'S GOING ON, BUDDY?

WE'RE AT YOUR HOUSE.

PETER, HE'S THE ONE WE SAW SLEEPING WITH LORETTA!

OH, MY GOD!

DAMN IT, I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN IT, YOU KNOW?

I-I KNEW IT WAS A MISTAKE!

IT NEVER FELT RIGHT. PLEASE DON'T TELL CLEVELAND!

WELL, ALL RIGHT, QUAGMIRE.

CLEVELAND, QUAGMIRE'S SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE. WHAT?

QUAGMIRE SLEPT WITH LORETTA?

OH, MY GOD, CLEVELAND, I AM SO SORRY.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT YOU MUST BE FEELING RIGHT NOW.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY?!

IT'S OKAY TO BE BETRAYED BY YOUR WIFE AND BEST FRIEND?!

BETTER IT BE QUAGMIRE THAN SOMEONE SHE COULD GET A DISEASE FROM.

CLEVELAND, DON'T YOU SEE?

THIS IS WHY YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PASSION.

SOMETIMES A WOMAN WANTS TO SEE HER MAN BE A MAN.

YOU GOT TO PUSH BACK A LITTLE!

YOU GOT TO GET A LITTLE ROUGH!

OH GOD, PETER, HIT ME!

YEAH! OW!

WOW. SO THAT'S, UH, THAT'S SOMETHING ABOUT QUAGMIRE AND, UH, LORETTA, HUH?

CLEVELAND, WE GOT TO GET YOUR MANHOOD BACK.

NOW, THE FIRST THING WE'RE GONNA DO IS TAKE YOU TO A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED WRESTLING MATCH.

ALL RIGHT, CLEVELAND.

NOTHING LIKE A GOOD SMACKDOWN TO GET THE TESTOSTERONE GOING.

I MUST BE IN QUAHOG, 'CAUSE ALL I SEE IS A BUNCH OF HICKS!

OH, YOU TAKE THAT BACK, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!

OH, DOESN'T HE MAKE YOU SO MAD YOU JUST WANT TO GO DOWN THERE AND HIT HIM?

NO.

WELL, MAYBE NOT HIM 'CAUSE HE'S KIND OF BIG.

BUT DON'T YOU WANT TO HIT THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU?

WELL, NOT HIM, 'CAUSE HE'S KIND OF BIG, TOO, BUT DON'T YOU WANT TO HIT HIS KID?

TAKE THAT, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, YOU JERK!

ALL RIGHT, CLEVELAND, IF THIS DOESN'T LIGHT A FIRE IN YOUR BELLY, NOTHING WILL.

HEY, LOOK AT ME, I'M QUAGMIRE.

I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!

GIGGITY-GIGGITY, GIGGITY-GIGGITY.

(LAUGHS)

THOSE ARE SO HIS MANNERISMS.

PETER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I'M NOT PETER, I'M QUAGMIRE, AND I'M DOING YOU, LORETTA!

WHAT THE HELL? OH! OH, YOU LIKE THAT?

YEAH, YEAH, MUCH BETTER THAN CLEVELAND.

HEY, PETER, KNOCK IT OFF!

YEAH, YOU SWEET THING.

GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME, YOU SON OF A BI...

OH, LIKE IT DIRTY, DON'T YOU?

EASY, GIRL, EASY. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

CLEVELAND CAN'T SATISFY YOU.

WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR POCKET?

QUAGMIRE'S GOT THE CURE. LOIS! SOMEBODY!

PETER: YEAH, YEAH. (GROWLS)

GLENN QUAGMIRE, YOU'RE DEAD!

("POPEYE" THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PANTING)

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, CLEVELAND.

I'M GONNA KILL QUAGMIRE!

(PANTING) OH GOD, YOU'RE HYPERVENTILATING!

CHRIS, GET ME A BAG.

(PANTING)

OKAY, CLEVELAND, BREATHE INTO THE BAG.

IT'LL CALM YOU DOWN.

PETER, I'M NOT SURE THAT THAT'S...

NOT NOW, LOIS. OKAY, CL-CL...

OKAY, CL-CLEVELAND, CLEVELAND, RELAX, RELAX, RELAX, RELAX, RELAX.

THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.

OKAY, SHH, SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH.

IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE OKAY.

PETER, YOU BETTER DO YOUR CPR.

THERE'S NO TIME, LOIS.

I GOTTA GO WARN QUAGMIRE WHILE I GOT THE CHANCE.

QUICK! TO THE PETER 'COPTER!

AAH! OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

OH, GOD. OH, MY GOD! OH!

PETER, WHAT THE HELL!

JOE, JOE, GET INSIDE.

THE BLADES ARE STILL SPINNING!

OH, MY GOD, PETER, WHAT IS THAT THING?

GET... JOE-JOE, GET IN... JOE, GET IN...

IT'S TEARING UP MY YARD!

OH, OH, GOD. OH, MY GOD!

OH, NO! NO!

(SCREAMING)

(SIGHS)

OH, JOE! OH, I AM SORRY, BUDDY.

OH, MY... ARE-ARE YOU OKAY?

IT'S OKAY. LOOK, IT'S OKAY.

YOU ALL RIGHT? IT'S OKAY.

I'M FINE. OH, BOY.

EVERYBODY'S FINE.

OH, THAT WAS SCARY.

PETER, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

TRUST ME, QUAGMIRE.

CLEVELAND WILL NEVER THINK TO LOOK FOR YOU AT MAYOR WEST'S HOUSE.

HEY THERE. HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

LISTEN, MAYOR WEST, MY FRIEND QUAGMIRE HERE'S IN TROUBLE.

HE NEEDS A PLACE TO STAY TONIGHT.

SAY NO MORE.

I'LL PROTECT YOU, SIR.

IT IS MY JOB.

I ONLY ASK THAT YOU DO NOT FEED MY CAT BOOTSY, AS HE'S ALREADY EATEN AND MIGHT THROW UP.

WELL, DERWOOD, NOW YOU REALLY ARE THE BIG MAN OF THE HOUSE.

MOTHER, CHANGE HIM BACK.

(MAGICAL TINKLE)

YOU KNOW, ENDORA, UH, I'M GETTING A LITTLE SICK OF THIS CRAP.

YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF THESE, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, HUH?

NO.

YEAH, IT'S HOLY WATER. HUH? YEAH. TRY IT.

(SCREAMING) YEAH. HOW'S THAT FEEL?

YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT? YEAH?

POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, BITCH.

I HATEBEWITCHED!

(ROARS)

HEY, SO, THAT'S A PRETTY REASONABLE REACTION, HUH?

IT'S ALL RIGHT TO GO TO SLEEP, MY FRIEND.

I'LL STAND GUARD.

UH... OKAY.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

JUST DON'T TRY TO MAKE ME SMILE.

I'M FORBIDDEN TO SMILE.

OH, NO.

THAT EPISODE OFGROWING PAINS WHEN MIKE'S FRIEND BONER RAN FOR STUDENT COUNCIL.

(STIFLED LAUGH)

BONER.

(LAUGHING): HIS NAME WAS... BONER.

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING)

BONE... (GUFFAWING)

I'VE FAILED YOU.

YEAH, THIS IS, UH, KIND OF CREEPING ME OUT.

I'M GONNA GO.

TAKE THIS. FOR PROTECTION.

WHAT THE HELL'S THIS FOR?

WHEN THE TIME COMES, YOU'LL KNOW.

I'LL TEACH HIM TO MESS WITH MY WIFE.

OH, HI, CLEVELAND.

WILL, UH, YOU BE JOINING US FOR DINNER?

(GRUNTING)

OKAY, THEN.

HE'S A WRECKIN' MACHINE!

PETER, WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT CLEVELAND.

I THINK YOU CREATED A MONSTER.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO, LOIS.

WE GOT TO GET LORETTA AND CLEVELAND BACK TOGETHER.

AND I KNOW JUST HOW TO DO IT.

TO THE HINDEN PETER!

(DOOR OPENING)

(EXPLOSION)

JOE: OH, MY GOD!

PETER: JOE, I AM SO SORRY!

JOE: HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?

YEAH, CLEVELAND, THIS IS QUAGMIRE.

UH, LISTEN, I FEEL AWFUL.

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER, AND WE CAN TRY TO GET THINGS BACK TO THE WAY THEY USED TO BE?

REMEMBER HOW IT WAS?

PERHAPS HERE THERE ARE MANY UNSUSPECTING FOXES TO HAVE SEX WITH US.

THAT IS WHY WE WEAR TIGHT PANTS TO SHOW OUR BULGES!

WE ARE...

BOTH: ...TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

YOU GUYS LOOK STUPID.

ANYWAY, LET'S TALK THIS THING THROUGH.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

OH, UH, HEY, CLEVELAND.

I WAS JUST LEAVING YOU A MESSAGE.

YOU VIOLATED THE SANCTITY OF MY MARRIAGE.

WHEN THE TIME COMES, YOU'LL KNOW.

DAMN IT!

OH, THIS IS AWFUL!

SOMEBODY STOP THEM!

DO SOMETHING!

GOOD.

LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

OH, I CAN'T.

IT ISN'T IN ME TO CAUSE HARM TO ANYONE.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH SOMEONE HAS HARMED ME.

I'M SORRY, CLEVELAND.

PETER: CLEVELAND, I THINK THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU.

YOU TOLD ME THIS WAS LOIS' INTERVENTION!

NICE. CLEVELAND?

LORETTA, WHAT YOU DID WAS UNFORGIVABLE.

THIS MARRIAGE IS OVER.

WELL, THAT'S JUST FINE, CLEVELAND, 'CAUSE I AM THROUGH BEING YOUR WIFE.

WELL, I MAY NOT BE PERFECT, BUT I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU.

LOOK AT THAT, LOIS.

AS BEAUTIFUL AS AN HBO MINORITY FAIRY TALE.

BUT PETER, THEIR MARRIAGE IS ENDING.

WELL, LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE, LOIS.

IT'S A CHANCE FOR A FRESH START.

FOR BOTH CLEVELAND AND LOR...

(GRUNTS) (SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS) OH, MY GOD!

OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(SCREAMS) WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?! HURTS, DOESN'T IT?

WHAT THE HELL DO...? YES!

(LAUGHS) WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?

MY FRIEND, MY FRIEND.

OW! OW! WHAT?

YOU'VE BEEN "KICKED IN THE NUTS."

NO WAY!

(LAUGHS): YOU'RE GONNA BE ON TV.

OH, SWEET! OH. WOW!

OH, MY GOD. WE LOVE THAT SHOW.

OH, THAT IS AWESOME. HEY, HI.

YOU'RE ON IT.

OH, WOW.

GLENN, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU I FORGIVE YOU.

NO, NO, I FEEL LIKE I GOT OFF TOO EASY.

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU INSIST.

YOU, UH, WANT TO RING THE BELL, APOLLO?

ALL RIGHT.

DING-DING.

♪ IT'S THE EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT ♪

♪ RISIN' UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF OUR RIVAL... ♪