Family Guy S4E9 Script

Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (2005)

♪ IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE ♪

♪ IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV ♪

♪ BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES ♪

♪ ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY?

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY

♪ LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO ♪

♪ ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US

♪ LAUGH AND CRY

♪ HE'S... A... FAM... ILY... GUY! ♪

OKAY, NOW DON'T WANDER TOO FAR, KIDS.

YOU KNOW, MORE CHILDREN GET KIDNAPPED AT THE GROCERY STORE THAN ANYWHERE ELSE.

HEY!

AW, YOU GOT ME.

NOT QUICK ENOUGH.

NOT QUICK ENOUGH. NO.

I WAS CLOSE, THOUGH.

YOU WERE CLOSE.

I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME ORANGES, STEWIE.

HERE, HOLD THE REST OF THESE BAGS FOR MOMMY.

OH, WHAT BRILLIANT PARENTING, LOIS.

LEAVE A TINY INFANT WITH A PLASTIC BAG.

YOU KNOW, I MIGHT JUST ASPHYXIATE MYSELF JUST TO TEACH YOU A LESSON.

HERE I GO-- JUST LIKE THAT BOY FROM INXS.

I'M GOING TO DO IT.

I'M GOING TO DO IT!

BLAST!

GOOD LORD, LOIS, EITHER I WAS A C-SECTION OR YOU'RE WONDER WOMAN.

CHRIS, WOULD YOU RUN AND GET SOME MILK?

AND BE SURE TO TAKE IT FROM THE BACK.

♪ TAKE ON ME

♪ TAKE ME ON

♪ TAKE ON ME

♪ I'LL BE GONE

♪ IN A DAY OR TWO.

(SONG MELODY PLAYING)

CHRIS, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I DON'T KNOW!

$53.98.

OH, NO. I FORGOT TO GO TO THE BANK.

I'M A LITTLE SHORT.

I'LL HAVE TO PUT THE HAM BACK.

YOU KNOW, I GOT SOME CANDY IN MY VAN IF YOUR KID WANTS SOME.

OH, GREAT.

WAIT A SECOND.

AW, YOU GOT ME.

YOU GOT ME. (CHUCKLING)

I'LL GET HIM THOUGH. I'LL GET HIM.

I BET YOU WILL.

I BET YOU WILL.

HEY, IS THAT HAM?

I THOUGHT YOU PUT THAT BACK.

OH, UM... NO, I PUT THE OTHER HAM BACK.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANOTHER HAM.

WELL, YOU WERE TOO BUSY EYEBALLING THAT REDBOOK WITH GLENN CLOSE ON THE COVER.

HEY, SHE IS A HANDSOME WOMAN.

WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO'S CARRYING A LITTLE FLAME FOR GLENN CLOSE. WHAT A SURPRISE.

ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE SURPRISED ME.

OOH, I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF TO DO TODAY.

I HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY. THEN I HAVE A PIANO LESSON.

THEN I HAVE TO MAKE DINNER.

I'M SO BUSY. BETTER HURRY.

LOIS, I WANT MY GRAHAM CRACK...

OH.

HEY.

HEY.

PLAYING A LITTLE DRESS-UP?

YEAH.

YEAH, GOOD.

IT'S FUN TO PRETEND.

UM, SO LISTEN, IF YOU SEE LOIS, TELL HER...

GRAHAM CRACKERS.

GRAHAM CRACKER-- YES, YES, THAT'S IT.

UM... ALL RIGHT...

SO, UH... I'M JUST GOING TO GO OUT IN THE HALLWAY AND THROW UP ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

OH, THIS IS CUTE.

OH, MY GOD!

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

(CACKLING)

(PANTING)

OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS SUCH A RUSH!

YEAH!

I'M ALIVE!

THANKS FOR HAVING US OVER.

YEAH, IT'S A WONDERFUL DINNER.

AND ON THIS BEAUTIFUL NEW CHINA.

YOU GUYS HAVE A LOT OF NEW STUFF.

YEAH, LOIS HAS BEEN SPLURGING HER ASS OFF.

YEAH, SHE HAS.

YOU KNOW, SHE BOUGHT ME SOMETHING YESTERDAY, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

I WANT YOU TO GUESS. JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES.

(SCREAMING)

IT'S A SOCCER HORN.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS!

HEY, IS THAT AN ORIGINAL MATISSE?

UH, HEY, UH, BONNIE, UH, LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU STOP WITH THE QUESTIONS.

YOU'RE RUINING EVERYONE'S GOOD TIME.

LIKE PETER DID WHEN HE USED TO ENTERTAIN TERMINALLY ILL KIDS.

HI THERE. HOW YOU ALL DOING?

ALL RIGHT, SO I'M AN THE DMV THE OTHER DAY.

LONG LINES. LONG LINES AT THE DMV.

BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT ALL ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU GET OLD...

OH, UH...

MOVING ON.

SO I FINALLY TRIED VIAGRA, AND...

CHILD: OW!

OH, WE'VE GOT A JOKER IN THE AUDIENCE THERE.

YOU GOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY THERE, MR. HECKLER?

DYING HURTS.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

ANYWAY, WHO HATES FLYING?

(CLEARING THROAT)

BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I SHOULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION.

LOIS, YOU'RE IN AN AUTO PARTS STORE STEALING MUFFLERS.

THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT WINONA RYDER THING.

ARE YOU SAYING I'M A KLEPTO?

ACTUALLY I WAS TALKING ABOUTTHE AGE OF INNOCENCE.

IT IS SETTLED, MAY.

OUR PARENTS HAVE CONSENTED AND YOU AND I ARE TO BE MARRIED ON THE FIRST WARM SUNNY DAY OF SPRING.

THAT WOULD BE MOST GOOD, NEWLAND, MOST GOOD.

I'M SORRY, BUT SHE IS JUST AWFUL.

IS THERE ANY WAY...

I MEAN, CAN WE ADD LIKE A TOPLESS SCENE OR SOMETHING?

MAN: UH, YEAH.

REALLY? YEAH.

WE CAN?

OKAY, GREAT. ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A MOVIE.

GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT, BRIAN. I'M OUT OF CONTROL.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'M JUST HOOKED ON THE RUSH OF SHOPLIFTING.

I HAVEN'T FELT A THRILL LIKE THIS IN A LONG TIME.

I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH THRILLS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT EVERYTHING BACK.

OKAY, BRIAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY ARE A GOOD FRIEND.

LET ME RUB YOUR BELLY.

(GROANING)

PUT IT BACK. (CONTINUES GROANING)

WELCOME BACK TOCHANNEL 5 NEWS AT 10:00.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WONDERING WHAT I'VE BEEN WRITING DOWN AS WE GO TO COMMERCIAL, IT'S A CAT. JUST A CAT.

IN OTHER NEWS, POLICE ARE STILL LOOKING FOR THE CULPRIT WHO STOLE A VALUABLE MATISSE PAINTING FROM THE QUAHOG MUSEUM OF ART.

A MATISSE PAINTING...

ALSO, SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IF YOU HAND IS BIGGER THAN YOUR FACE, YOU HAVE CANCER.

HA-HA, GOT YOU! HA-HA... AH!

THAT'S NOT EVEN REALLY NEWS.

(MAKING ENGINE SOUND)

(MAKES SPUTTERING SOUND)

OH, NO, RUPERT, WE'RE OUT OF GAS.

WE'D BETTER ASK DIRECTIONS AT THAT CREEPY AND POSSIBLY HAUNTED HOUSE.

AH! A GHOST!

OOH, OOH, OOH! IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

WE GOT AWAY JUST IN TIME. WE GOT AWAY JUST IN TIME.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, IS THAT EVERYTHING YOU STOLE?

THAT'S EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD TALK TO A THERAPIST ABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, IT REALLY HELPED PETER OUT WHEN HE BECAME OBSESSED WITH THAT FANTASY WORLD OF HIS.

YEAH!

YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO HEAVY, BUDDY.

YEAH!

WE'RE GOING DOWN.

YEAH!

YEAH...

YOU KNOW, LOIS, WE'RE JUST LUCKY WE GOT THIS UNDER CONTROL BEFORE THE POLICE CAUGHT ONTO YOU.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, LOIS.

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

OH, CRAP.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUST TAKE IT EASY, JOE, ALL RIGHT?

LOIS WILL GO PEACEFULLY.

OH, MY GOD, I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

LET ME JUST GET MY PURSE.

(LAUGHS GLEEFULLY): SUCKER!

(GASPS)

SORRY, LOIS, REGULATIONS.

I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY SPECIAL TREATMENT.

IT'S OKAY, JOE. I UNDERSTAND.

SHUT UP, MAGGOT!

YOUR HONOR, I AM SO SORRY FOR STEALING ALL THAT STUFF.

I JUST COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF.

WELL, MRS. GRIFFIN, CONSIDERING THIS IS YOUR FIRST OFFENSE, I'VE DECIDED TO GO LENIENT...

WHERE THE HELL IS MY GAVEL?

(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)

GIVE ME THAT!

I SENTENCE YOU TO TWO YEARS IN THE STATE PRISON.

(GASPS)

OH, MAN, THAT IS BOGUS!

ORDER IN THE COURT!

ANOTHER OUTBURST LIKE THAT, MR. GRIFFIN, AND I'LL EXTEND THE SENTENCE.

(SNEEZES)

OKAY, THREE YEARS.

THAT WAS A SNEEZE.

FOUR YEARS.

I'M SORRY!

FIVE YEARS.

YOU DOUCHEBAG.

ALL RIGHT, THREE YEARS IT IS.

THREE YEARS IN PRISON?

OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

OH, MAN, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS UPSET SINCE I WATCHEDTHE BLOB ON TELEVISION.

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU, LADY! IT'S THE BLOB!

I'LL SAVE YOU!

HERE YOU. MEET YOUR NEW FRIENDS.

UH, HI, I'M LOIS.

I'M FISTY, THAT'S STABBY, AND THAT'S BALLS.

PULL UP A CHAIR. WE'RE PLAYING CARDS.

OH, OKAY.

SO, ARE THOSE BIBLICAL NAMES?

YEAH, FISTY IS.

BOY, I SURE MISS LOIS.

I WISH SHE WAS HERE TO CLEAN UP ALL THIS STUFF.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

MUSTARD.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. WE HAD HOT DOGS LAST WEEK.

YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?

THE MUSTARD ON YOUR SHOULDER? NO.

OH, KIDS, LOOK, LOOK, A DEER.

CAN WE PET HIM?

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO. JUST, JUST WATCH.

ALL: AW...

PETER!

PETER! THERE'S, THERE'S SO MUCH DOODY IN HERE.

I CAN'T... I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I HAVEN'T EATEN IN FOUR DAYS

'CAUSE I, 'CAUSE, 'CAUSE I JUST CAN'T FIT ANY MORE IN THERE.

HELP ME!

OKAY, NOW, WHEN WE GET TO YOUR MOTHER'S CAGE, SAY HELLO, BUT DON'T DRAG YOUR ASS

'CAUSE I WANT TO GO TO THE REPTILE HOUSE.

OH, OH, AND WE GOT TO SEE THOSE PANDAS.

PETER, THIS ISN'T A ZOO. IT'S A PRISON.

QUAGMIRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IT'S CONJUGAL VISIT DAY.

YOU KNOW I LOVE DOING A WOMAN IN THE CAN.

OH! GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GOO!

WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?

♪ HE'S QUAGMIRE, QUAGMIRE

♪ YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO NEXT ♪

♪ HE'S QUAGMIRE, QUAGMIRE.

GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY, LET'S HAVE SEX.

I DO HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO SPOIL THIS FANCY DINNER PARTY.

GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY, GIG-GIG-GIG-GIGGITY, GIGGITY GOO!

WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?

♪ HE'S QUAGMIRE, QUAGMIRE.

GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GOO!

OH, IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU.

HOW IS EVERYTHING AT HOME?

OH, IT'S HORRIBLE, LOIS.

I'VE HAD TO DO ALL THE THINGS YOU USUALLY DO, LIKE THE OTHER NIGHT, I HAD TO GO TO YOUR BOOK CLUB MEETING.

WELL, I REALLY ADMIRE THE MOTHER CHARACTER'S ADMISSION OF PERSONAL TORMENT AFTER HER DAUGHTER'S DEATH.

I DISAGREE.

I FELT A TOTAL LACK OF ETHICAL INTEGRITY IN HER READINESS TO ABANDON HER CHILDREN AND START A LIFE OF HER OWN.

UH, HERE'S ANOTHER THING.

THE BOOK CAN ALSO BE A HAT.

AND THE OTHER NIGHT I HAD TO DO, UH...

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT THING YOU USUALLY DO FOR ME EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT.

(GRUNTING)

AH!

AH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SERVING A THREE-YEAR SENTENCE.

IT SEEMS SO HARSH.

WELL, THE ONLY UP SIDE IS IT'S GIVEN ME TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHY I ENDED UP IN HERE.

I GUESS I WAS STEALING BECAUSE I WAS SO SICK OF THE SAME OLD ROUTINE.

I FELT LIKE I HAD A VOID IN MY LIFE, LIKE, LIKE THERE WAS A SECRET HOLE IN ME.

OH, GOD!

AND I WAS TRYING TO FILL THAT HOLE WITH ALL KINDS OF EXPENSIVE OBJECTS AND THINGS.

OH, GOD!

AND I FELT WONDERFUL WITH ALL THOSE THINGS FILLING THAT HOLE.

OH, GOD!

I DID THIS TO MYSELF, SO I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LAY BACK AND LET THE PENAL SYSTEM TEACH ME A LESSON.

THAT ONE IS ALSO SEXUAL.

WELL, I GUESS WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR, YOU COULD BE OUT IN TWO YEARS.

I MADE MY OWN BED WITH THIS ONE, GUYS.

I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO PAY MY DEBT TO SOCIETY.

NOT NECESSARILY.

I THINK I GOT AN IDEA OF HOW TO SMUGGLE YOU OUT.

BYE-BYE. TAKE CARE NOW.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

(MUMBLES)

(ALARM BLARING )

WHAT DO WE DO?!

HURRY! WE'LL HIDE IN THAT VAN!

MY GOD, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

YOU'RE ALL ACCESSORIES TO MY ESCAPE.

SHE'S RIGHT. WE'RE FUGITIVES FROM THE LAW.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M A DOG, ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE A VERY TOUGH TIME STANDING UP IN THE CAR.

WELL, THEN, WE'RE FUGITIVES, BUT AT LEAST THE FAMILY'S BACK TOGETHER.

I WONDER WHERE WE'RE GOING.

CALM DOWN! I TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

WHEREVER THIS VAN STOPS, WE'LL BEGIN OUR NEW LIFE TOGETHER.

WE'LL BLEND INTO THE FABRIC OF THAT COMMUNITY.

PETER, WE'RE IN ASIANTOWN.

WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE EVIL MONKEY HERE.

(GASPS)

WELL, IF WE'RE GOING TO HIDE OUT HERE IN ASIANTOWN, WE HAVE TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE.

YES, AND WE SHOULD DO NOTHING TO DRAW ATTENTION TO OURSELVES AS OUTSIDERS.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S JACKIE CHAN.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S JACKIE CHAN.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S JACKIE CHAN!

HI, THERE. ALWAYS NICE TO MEET A FAN OF MY MOVIES.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE ETHAN HAWKE!

UH, NO, I'M NOT.

SORRY, MY MISTAKE.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S ETHAN HAWKE!

MOM, CAN WE GO GET SOME FOOD?

OH, MY GOD, IT'S MALCOLM IN MIDDLE.

I'M NOT A BOY!

YES, YOU ARE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE TO LIVE HERE.

OH, THIS SUCKS.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I HAVEN'T SEEN ONE FEMALE BABY SINCE WE GOT HERE.

THIS PLACE IS A SAUSAGE FEST.

COME ON, KIDS, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE.

MEG, YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU FOUND OUT YOUR GYNECOLOGIST NEVER FINISHED MED SCHOOL?

ALL RIGHT, MEG, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT BERGINA.

BUT PETER, HOW ARE WE GOING TO SUPPORT OURSELVES HERE?

WELL, WE'LL ALL HAVE TO GET JOBS.

BUT I'M SURE WE'LL EACH FIND SOMETHING WE CAN DO.

WHERE YOU FROM?

TOKYO.

OH, TOKYO.

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT TOWN.

LOT OF PEOPLE, THOUGH.

YEP.

HEY, YOU HERE ON BUSINESS?

I BET IT'S BUSINESS

'CAUSE I HAD A FARE EARLIER TODAY THAT...

THIS USED TO BE A PEOPLE BUSINESS, BUT NOW, I DON'T KNOW.

OH, DAMN.

I SAY, I SEEM TO HAVE SEWN A SHOE TO MY HAND.

MAY I GO TO THE NURSE?

REPLACE HIM!

(GASPS)

(BABY CRIES)

FASTER!

SO, WHAT EXACTLY WOULD YOU SAY QUALIFIES YOU TO WORK AS A SUMO WRESTLER?

OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'M A BORN ATHLETE, JUST LIKE GREG LOUGANIS.

HI, I'M PETER GRIFFIN.

YOU'RE PROBABLY ASKING YOURSELF, "WHICH WAY ARE THEY GOING TO GO?

"ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE A DIVING BOARD HEAD INJURY JOKE?

"ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE AN AIDS JOKE?

"OR ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THE FACT THAT HIS LAST NAME SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE 'ANUS'"?

WELL, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND DO A NO-BODY-HAIR JOKE. BRIAN?

HI, I'M GREG LOUGANIS.

I'M TOTALLY SHAVEN.

TERRIFIC. TERRIFIC.

DAMN IT, SWANSON. I WANT THEM FOUND!

MAYOR WEST, WE HAVE EVERY AVAILABLE MAN LOOKING FOR THE GRIFFINS.

WE JUST DON'T HAVE ANY LEADS.

NOT THE GRIFFINS, YOU MORON!

THE REST OF MY LIGHT BRIGHT PIECES!

MY NAME ISN'T ADAM WE. OR IS IT?

WHO AM I? WHAT NUMBER DID YOU DIAL?

DON'T EVER CALL HERE AGAIN.

I GUESS I TOLD HIM.

NOBODY MESSES WITH ADAM WE.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SUMO TONIGHT, BROUGHT TO YOU BY ASIAN TRIX.

SILLY RABBIT, TRIX ARE FOR KIDS.

YOU SHARE!

(BONES CRACK)

UH, I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO DO HERE.

BOY, YOU PUT ON WEIGHT, JACKIE CHAN.

OH, MY GOD!

WIFE: DID YOU WALK?

OOH!

YOU'RE WATCHING...

HEY, EVERYBODY, I'M HOME.

OH, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

I ORDERED CAUCASIAN FOR DINNER.

CHRIS, I'M HUNGRY.

IT'S YOUR TURN TO KEEP WATCH FOR THE COPS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS NUTS?

WE'VE GIVEN UP OUR WHOLE LIVES.

COME ON, BRIAN.

A CHANGE OF SCENERY IS ALWAYS GOOD.

YES, I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED MY TRIP TO NEBRASKA.

SO, UM, ANYBODY SEE ANY GOOD MOVIES LATELY?

NO. UH-UH.

WELL, READ ANY GOOD BOOKS?

NOPE. UH-UH. MM-MM.

OH. ANYTHING NEW WITH CORN?

CORN? YEAH! OH, YEAH!

YOU BETCHA! YEAH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

CORN IS ALWAYS INTERESTING.

HEY, MOM, MR. SWANSON'S HERE TO VISIT US.

WHAT?!

OH, MY GOD, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

TAXI, FOLLOW THAT FAMILY.

COME ON, EVERYBODY, OVER THE FENCE.

AH, YES, A FENCE, THE CRIPPLE'S NATURAL ENEMY.

I THINK WE LOST HIM.

THERE THEY ARE.

QUICK, INTO THE SEWER!

UGH! GOOD LORD, IT'S DISGUSTING DOWN HERE!

OH, BOY, STEWIE'S GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

OW! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S WET DOWN THERE, BRIAN.

GEEZ, THIS SUCKS WORSE THAN THAT TIME I DID COCAINE WITH KARL MALDEN.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ALL BENT OF SHAPE ABOUT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, KARL, I DIDN'T GET...

I GOT VIRTUALLY NOTHING HERE, YOU KNOW?

LOOK, I DON'T SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

NO, YOU WOULDN'T, WOULD YOU?

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS I GOT THE RAW END OF THE DEAL.

YOU INVITED ME OVER.

YEAH, WELL, NOW I'M REGRETTING IT.

WHEN I FIRE ROCKETS, I ALWAYS PRETEND I SHOOTING AT ALAN ALDA AND JAMIE FARR.

TAKE THAT, WISECRACKING MEATBALL SURGEON!

WHICH WAY SHOULD WE GO?

I DON'T KNOW. LET'S ASK THE GOONIES.

TAKE THE LEFT ONE. THANKS.

HEY, HEY, CHUCK, CHUCK, COME HERE. COME HERE.

HEY, BEFORE YOU GO, DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE.

OH, COME ON!

DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

CHILDHOOD OBESITY.

LOIS, COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I CAN'T DO IT, PETER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK AT US.

WE'RE RUNNING THROUGH A SEWER AND IT'S BECAUSE OF ME.

LOOK, HONEY, IT WAS VERY SWEET OF YOU TO BREAK ME OUT OF JAIL, BUT I DID SOMETHING WRONG AND I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD PAY, NOT MY WHOLE FAMILY. (SIGHS)

I'M GOING TO TURN MYSELF IN.

YOU'RE MINE NOW, LOIS.

(GASPS)

(YELLS)

OH, MY GOD! JOE!

JOE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY!

I CAN'T HANG ON!

PRETEND I'M YOUR CHILD, LOIS.

NOT MEG! NOT MEG!

LOIS, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

I SAY, COREY HAIM.

ARE YOU WITH THE GOONIES AS WELL?

NO, I JUST LIVE DOWN HERE.

MINE!

IT WAS SO NICE OF JOE TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH THAT JUDGE.

YEAH, BUT I'M SURE GOING TO MISS MY BUDDIES DOWN AT THE SUMO RING.

DAD, CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO SUMO WRESTLE?

IT'S NOT TOO HARD, CHRIS.

HEY, BRIAN, HELP ME DEMONSTRATE.

PETER, MAYBE SOMEBODY ELSE COULD...

COME ON! (SIGHS)

OKAY, SO ON THE COUNT OF THREE, YOU TRY TO PUSH ME OUT OF THE RING, I TRY TO PUSH YOU OUT OF THE RING, OKAY?

READY? ONE, TWO, THREE.

OW! OW!

WHAT, WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE HELL?!

BRIAN, I'M SORRY.

NO! YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOT COOL, PETER.

IT'S NOT COOL!