Fanged Up (2017) Script

Oh God.


Yes. Yeah!

Oh. Oh God.

Shit. Come on... Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!



Yes! How you doing, Mickey?

It's Marley. Whatever.

Oh, yes!

Danielle, fancy a... I ain't got no money, Jimmy.


She knows. Here we go.

Lads, hows it going?

Dakota, you're looking super fine there sugar tits.

You have to pay for your drinks here, Jimmy.


Ha-Ha. Yes, lads. Everyone having a good time?

Look at her go. Nice swinging, Kat.

Ooh, sweethearts.

Yes, girls. Two of you. One of me. That's about four and a half inches each.

Anyway, girls, I was just wondering if you fancied a... bottle of champagne, you know. On the house, of course.

Why? Do you work here? Work here?

That's precious. Nah, I own the place.

Oh, slow down there Kath. You couldn't do us a favour, could ya?

A couple of cakes for the girls over here.

Better make that diet coke.

Jimmy, fuck off. 00f. Awkward.

That's what happens when you give the staff... the staff. You wish, Spaghetti Dick.

Dunno what she's talking about. It's like that.

What the fuck you doing, kid? Um, this tune, it's wicked, man.

Big fish...

Jimmy, the dishes aren't gonna wash themselves, mate, are they?

Oh God.

You're a liability, kid.

You're disgusting, offensive and really annoying.

Everybody wants you gone.

You make it sound like they've signed a petition or something.

666 signatures. What?

The fuck? I don't recognise any of these names though.

The dancers used their real names, didn't they?

I mean, hence the lack of American states and deserts.

There's also an unfortunate rumour... that you've been trying to fuck my wife.

Whoa, whoa, boss. Slow down.

I've got too much respect for you for that. Also... you know me, I only go for proper fucking dick shrinkers. Look.

I'm going to fuck you up. Whoa. Easy boss!

Say it. Don't spray it! What?!

I want the news. Not the weather. You're fired.

Oi. What the fuck you doing?

God, if I wanted my face to be that wet, I'd get your wife to sit on it.


Fucking hell, it's all kicking off.

Good for you, I've quit my job... Oi sweetheart, you still want that diet coke?

Sorry about all this. It's been crazy tonight.

Some moron started a fight at Club Moist.

I blame the full moon.

Anyway, you are in cell...

The judge will see you... on Monday. On Monday?

You'll be, um... spending the weekend at Stokesville.

What's that? Like an Airbnb?

If you'd be so kind to followthe officer. He'll, uh, assist you with your transfer.

Uh, what? Why? Why am I being transferred?

I'm full.

What? You...

You alright, mate?

Nice handcuffs.

What are they? Designer label?

Do they do 'em for men?

Whoa. Easy there, big fella.

What are you in for?

I had an orgy in a morgue.

Uh, a morgy?

What about you, son?


Which one of you rascals is for Crampton? Me.

And where they putting you, son? Stokesville.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus has nothing to do with that place.


May God have mercy on your soul.

James Ragsdale, this is Warden Renfield.

You may call her Ms Renfield.

Or sir.

Did you say sir?

Ms Renfield doesn't care who you are or what you've done but under her roof, you will consider her your mother.

Except she will not wipe your ass, and, unlike your mother she doesn't suck sailors off for beer money.

She does it for free?

Welcome to Stokesville, bitch.

Throw him into number 13.

Number 13? That's the cell with you knowwho.

He won't survive the night.

Why won't I survive the night?

Won't I like him? What's wrong with the fella?

Won't I like him? A bit of a chatterbox, is he? Take him away.

He's a snorer, ain't he? I'm only here for the weekend!

Wait. There's been a terrible mistake!

Wait! Argh!

How did you sustain this injury, Bob?

Got bit.

Someone bit you.


Hm... I forget.

Honour amongst thieves, hey? Hm.

Would you tell me for a lollipop?

Dr Tommy used to save me the green ones.

There's no green ones no more.

No. There isn't, is there?

So Bob, did... Did Dr Wallace...?

Sorry, Dr Tommy. Did he see this?

Dr Tommy was worried about it.

No one else was.

He was a good man.


Yes he was.

So, Bob, have you been experiencing any other symptoms?

You know, like fever aching joints, shortness of breath, headaches or dizzy spells?


Which ones?

All of them.

Ok. I'm going to need to check your heartbeat.

Bob don't feel so good.

Dr Makepeace, Governor Payne requests your presence.

Look, there's been a terrible mistake.

Come on, guys. This is getting serious now.

I need to speak to the boss the Governor. He was that fella up in the window.

I know the score. I've seen Shawshank.

Urgh. What the...

What the fuck happened in there?

Cut himself shaving.

Move along. What was he shaving with? A fucking axe?

The wa...

Wait guys. Come back. Come on!

Hello? I'm Jimmy.

I'm your new cellmate.

I was just talking to the guys outside about ya.

They said you was well alright.

They lied.

The Governor is ready.

I see you didn't get the memo in regard to jewellery in the workplace.

Excuse me?



Look, stay back, alright? I know karate.


I once broke man's spine in half.

After I remove it.

Through his anus.

Yeah? Urn, well, do you know Matt Flynn, from the Dandridge Estate?

Um, he kissed my girlfriend in year 11, so I nutted him.

Well, I say I nutted him It was more like a Chinese burn, but everyone saw it.

I killed over 20 men.

With my bear... Your bare hands, yeah?

I've heard it all before, comrade.


With my bear.

Oh, you've actually got a bear? Yes, Mishkov.

In Magadan, everybody own bear. Whoa.

That's actually pretty cool. You win.

And listen, all that stuff I was saying back then about Chinese burns.

I didn't do it. I was just trying to act hard.

I can tell.

You do not look like man capable of causing pain.

In Russia, we call you pisda.

Huh? You are little man child.

Lost. Searching for the mamma's...

How do you say?

Bangers? Um, top bollocks?

Um, baby feeders? Fun bags?


Breasts? Breasts! Yes!

You're searching for the mamma's breasts to suck on.

It's uncanny.

Excuse me?

Oh, could I interest you in a nightcap? Uh...

A Bloody Mary perhaps?

Um, is this a test?

Well, why do you ask that, Dr Makepeace?

Well, Governor, with the upmost respect, this is my very first post as GP.

Consuming an alcoholic beverage would be a Hippocratic violation.

She's new.


Neanderthals and nitwits associate this delightful potation with Queen Mary the First.

She delighted in the bloody results of pitting Protestants against Catholics.

I mean, she, herself, was a Catholic. As, uh, you are, I see.

Of course, this is all bullshit.

Now, to discover the bona fide birthplace of this thirst quenchefls nom de plume, we must step into the smoky saloons of 1900s Chicago namely, the Bucket of Blood Saloon a watering hole for heavily inebriated drinkers who ended up in violent bar room brawls bleeding all over that saloon bar floor.

And it was the unenviable task of some unfortunate waitress to mop up those blood-soaked floorboards.

Her name was...

Mary, of course.

And all Arnold Palmer had to do was win the US open.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Yes. Very very very very good, Dr Makepeace.

Sir? That is all.

It is time for you to return to your duties.

Uh, I think... I think maybe I should examine you, sir.

That's... That's quite alright, child.

You just concentrate on keeping the prisoners fit and healthy.

At my age, a man yearns for two things: love in his heart and... blood in his veins, and regrettably...

I have neither.

It was nice to finally meet you, Governor Payne.

I know...

what is best for the Governor.

You should be advised to observe your own boundaries when it comes to the Florence Nightingale routine.

Your predecessor failed to get that into his thick egghead and that's why we let him go.

And nowyou're in his lab coat hand-me-down.

I thought he went missing.

Oh. Did you know Dr Wallace?


Never heard of him.


And by the way, your closet...

it's glowing.

Just what the doctor ordered.

So... condom just fell off?

Yeah. Before I could seal the deal.

Anyway, cut a long story short, she went into school. She told everyone.

So I got the nickname, Spaghetti Dick.

I see.

Anyway, enough about me. What are you doing here?

I was big shot in Russian mafia.

Until one day, my own brother, Rusev put contract out on me.

I killed him with my bare... What Mishkov?

No. My bare hands. Ah.

Why do you always interrupt?

What's that?

It's time to eat. What? At midnight?

Governor says it's better for digestion.

Must be the Atkins diet.

I do not know this Atkins fellow but I think if you continue with the funny mouth perhaps you will end up as dessert.

Ah, fucking hell. Leave it out.

Come on. You'll look after me, won't ya?

I just told you my story about the Spaghetti Dick.

We're basically brothers.

I look after only one man.


Who's that?



Alright, come on then. OK. Stand up.

The first rule of surviving prison is to find biggest, strongest man you can and punch him in face show everyone you have no fear.

I admire your enthusiasm but perhaps wait until you have audience.


Listen. I could be the daddy of this place if I wanted to, but... there's no point upsetting the apple cart, is there?

Plus, I'm only here for the weekend, ain't I?

Hm... Keep telling yourself that.

Even though I know you're a little pussy boy who's scared of own shadow and your public hairs are longer than your pee-pee.

Yeah. Alright. Get on with it.

Nobody else knows this.

And we must keep it that way.

So from now on... you must behave exactly like me.

I ain't gonna be able to do that Sputnik accent.

If somebody stares at you You must NEVER be first to look away.


Well, go on then. Move along.



Abort. Abort.

Attendance seems a bit low.

Well, I guess it is Saturday night. They're probably all out clubbing.

Is it BBQ night tomorrow? Where's Bob?

Have you seen Bob?

The herd is thinning.

Who are those guys over there?

What are they looking at?

Oh, I think they want a bit of me sausage. You want a bit of me sausage?


Stay away from these men.

They stalk the showers. They are Nazis.

Of course they're nasty. We're in prison.

No. They're Nazis. What?

Can't be Nazis. World War II was over about 30 years ago.

Woo-ooh. You can have some if you want.



You remember what we talked about in cell?

My Spaghetti dick?

No. Showing strength of bear.

Well, you need to do this and you need to do this now.


He is perfect.

Oh, come on. Isn't there anyone else?

Unfortunately, ladybird just flew out the window.

Now remember what Victor said make big deal make sure everyone is watching then hit him as hard as you can as many times as you can.

OK... I'll do it.

Oi! Whose apple is that?


Oh. That's mine.


No. I said, whose apple is that, bruv?

Yeah, no. I heard you, yeah. And I said, it's mine. Why?

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry. Would you like it? Go on. Have it.

And actually, come here.

Listen, if you want anything, I mean absolutely anything...

I'm the man. Yeah? The name's Shifty. Alright, Shifty, mate.

Nice to meet you. Yeah. Listen, you see the screws over there, they think they know the lay of the land but old Shifty knows every nook and cranny.

What's a cranny? Got no idea. Anyway... welcome to Stokesville. Alright mate.

Lovely to meet you. Cheers.



Oh, fuck it.

Oh God.

That really hurt.

Ah, shit. Sorry Shifty mate. Can we get some frozen peas over 'ere?

What you doing? Alright, listen. It's me first day.

What? And you thought you'd look hard? Yeah.

Well, it didn't work for me either. Sorry.

Alright, big fella.

Go on! Go on!

Got something in your ear though. I'll get it for ya.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Slowdown, fella.


I have not seen it gleam like this in an age.

But why now? It's a sign.

It's divining.

It's saying that the vessel of upmost purity... has finally arrived.

The synergy of the fairest one being within our grasp while the hunter's moon looms overhead is the rarest of opportunities... that we cannot afford to squander.

We must make preparations.

Immortality is within our grasp. Yes. Yes.

Yes, of course, yes. We must.

Sir, you grow weak.

I shall notify the help and fetch your sorbet.

Oh, no, no. We ought to be running low.

But, sir... don't you get it?

After tonight, it does not matter. Yes, yes.

The mating ceremony must be implemented in great haste.

Most are.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! tag it!

What's happened? Sit down.

Sit down.

What's going on? Sit down.

What? Why? Sit down.

Alright! Head down.

Alright. Keep your head on. Take a chill pill.

What is it? The sorbet.

Sorbet? It doesn't happen often.

But once in a blue moon, the Governor invites one of us up to his quarters for the... sorbet.

Ah, that actually sounds quite lovely. Shut up.

The Governor cordially invites you.

Ah, I never win anything!

Get up! No!

No! Help me! No!

Hey, wait up.

If he doesn't want to go, I'll go.

He's got plenty of time. I'm only here for the weekend.

Oh yeah, you. Shut it! Wait. What?

Fucking get him!





For God's sake Jimmy.

What have I got to do to get away from you?

Solitary confinement is not that solitary.

Strange things are afoot in Stokesville prison, huh?

There's no need to be afraid lads.

He's just a big Rusky teddy bear.

Not him.


If you boys like strange

then you've come to the right place.

I didn't bang a hooker.

Our first holiday as a couple, off to Spain with the gang.

I was ready to give myself to you and only you.

Then, you disappear with the lads and go and catch gonorrhoea from...

She wasn't a prostitute.

Her name was Ping Pong Pat.

I hardly think she was a quantity surveyor.

She was an entertainer.

Her aim was a little bit off, but the velocity of them things flying out.

It was a physical marvel.

I mean, you're... you're a doctor, if you'd seen it, you, uh... you would have appreciated it.

Yeah, I'm not doing this. Not again.

This is a past life, and I buried this years ago. And nowthis.

This is very important to me and I'm not going to let you fuck it up.

How am I gonna mess it up? I'm only here for the weekend.

Ragsdaie, this is Stokesviiie prison. Nobody is here for the weekend.

Who are you?

What matters... is what I know.

Not who I am.

Reeves, shut up in there.

N ow.


My name is Reeves.

And you are? Well, we don't want to tell you that now.

Yeah, didn't want to tell us yours. Did you?

Oi! That goes for the rest of you, Victor, Shifty, Craig and Alex.

Howlong have you been here?

A long time, my friend.

Avery long time.

Fortunately. Fortunately?

It's horrible down here.

It's horrible.

But safe. Ah.

Much like condom.

This prison... is not like other houses of correction.

You may not have noticed but... there is something lurking within the foundations of this mould-ridden monolith. What mean lurking?

I have observed many disturbing aberrations within these rotting walls.


Like nobody but nobody, ever returns from the sorbet.

And old man, Gary. Yeah.

He's been here 52 years. Says the Governor was here before him.

Reckons he's not aged a day.


Yes, well, I, uh...

I hadn't noticed those things.

But... very good. Well done.

Come on, you got to believe me on that at least.

I'm telling the truth... Jimmy.

Jimmy, you don't have to convince me you got beaten up in a strip club for chatting up a married woman instead of doing the dishes. That's trademark you.

That's not what's causing me to wear out my shoes right now.

Well then, what is?

I can't say but I'm gonna get you out.

I can't let you jeopardise this.

Plus, someone like you, shouldn't be in here for your own safety.

Katie, what is going on?

You maybe an asshole, but you don't deserve to die.

You deserve the shit kicked out of you, but by the looks of things that's been well taken care of.

Come on. Oi, you love me really.

No, Ragsdale.

I really don't.


Governor Payne?

Oh stop complaining!

You should feel buoyant!

You are our final dining guest before the great transition.

And you, you have provided our beloved leader with the energy he needs to...

Oh to taste the blood of the wretched with the sun on our flesh.

How ironic that the brightest day... will be the world's darkest.


Oh, hi, Dr Katie.

Why...? Why are you dressed like that?


Uh, I dunno. OK.

OK. We... We need to get out of here. OK?

Oi-oi! Oh my God. Oh my God.

He... He said that something was wrong.

That... That something wasn't right, but I never thought... Who would...?

Oh Jesus.

Poor Tom. Poor fucking Tom.

Ragsdale, we need to get out of here, and we need to get out of here right now.

What? Who the fuck is your friend?

So what? It's only Bob.

Fuck, he's got fangs.

Hey Bob!

Suck on this.

What do I do? What do I do?

Stake him.



Cease these fruitless theatrics, boy.

Jimmy is in trouble.

I recognise girly scream.

Mere muscle and brawn..

Will not stop these creatures that dwell in the shadows forever festering... on the peripheral... waiting to strike.

So howwe gonna stop them?

There is... only one way.

That... That was a...

That was afu... You can say it.

That was a fucking zombie. Close.

An Einstein, weren't it? I mean, a fucking Frankenstein.

Dracula? Knew it. That was a fucking Dracula.

We got to tell your boss-man about this.

I think that would be an extraordinarily bad idea.

Why? Is he a Frankenstein as well?

I didn't just take this job for the classy company and cheery atmosphere.

This office belonged to a friend, Dr Tom... Wallace.

He was convinced something wasn't right with this place.

Prisoners dropping like flies guards working all hours with no signs of fatigue.

Dr Wallace was collecting hard evidence, and then lo and behold, he went missing.


OK. I get it.

But let me ask you one thing:

Was ya banging him? For God's sake, Ragsdale.

He was a friend and a mentor.

No wonder he was paranoid if he was fucking mental.

What? No. A mentor.

A men-tour.

Ain't that a breath mint?

Jesus Christ.

Are they for the front door?

No. Wait.

Can you get me in the hole? Do you ever stop?

No. I mean solitary confinement. Oh. Sorry. Why?

Cos the guards reckon they know the lay of the land, right?

But I've got a friend down there. And he knows every nook and cranny.

What's a cranny? Fuck knows.

Albert summon Dr Makepeace into the Governor's office ASAP.

In fact, get our newest recruit to do it.

I think that would be the perfect surprise, don't you?


Uh, yeah, about that...

Greetings! Spaghetti Dick!

Is that him? Spaghetti Dick!

No idea what that means. Guys, listen. Shit is getting real it's going down and it's hitting the fan. The big three.


This is my ex-girlfriend, Katie. Now, I know what you're thinking.

What's a nine out often hottie doing wearing a set of Harry Potter's?

Well it turns our she's super intelligent.

Like, she's even got one of them skeletons in her office and it ain't even Halloween.

Anyway, you got to listen to her because she reckons we've got a serious case of the Draculas.

Why is he covered in blood?

You can listen to Dr Barbie because she poured the bollock-naise on your Spaghetti.

But we have everything in hand, my friend.

Mr Reeves, he is all-seeing.

Only he can stop prison menace. Yeah. He's got it all worked out, Jimbo.

Mr Reeves, is this true? Yes, my dear.

These manifested nightmares are at every turn.

They are under the bunk, they are in the bathroom sink they are behind the curtains.

At first they were evasive, elusive, but now, I have learnt to collect them to imprison them, to store them.


The captive... has become... the captor.

Fascinating, but... how?

With this... magic device.

Ooh, I've got to catch them all.

Fuck. It's Pokemon.

Nice one. He's nuts. Well done vodka bollocks.

Wait. No.

He is man of God.

Look. He has cross. What? This?

Oh, no, no. This is soap on a rope.

Yes, was a Christmas present.


Let's just keep looking. We'll find something.

Find the doctor.

Do not harm her... much.

Yes, Ms Renfield.

Oh, and Albert, the inmates... turn the strong and feed on the weak.

It's time to clean house.

Oh, we're fucked... We're so fucking fucked.

Shh. Oh fuck!

Mr Reeves.

You've saved the day.

They're not Pikachu, Katie. We can call for help.


What the fuck is that?


What? Come on, let's go.

Let's go. Let's get out of here. Come on.

Come on. Dick.

Oh... howthe Governor... has got plans... for you.

# Here comes the bride

# Neck ripped open wide... #

Jimbo I only said I know my way around this place.

If I knew how to escape, do you think I'd still be here?

Come on, mate. You must have something up your sleeves, Shifty.

Well, there was a place where I used to hide my contraband.

I always wondered why the guards never wanted to go in there.

Now I knowwhy.

Yeah, where is it?

The chapel.

Oh my God.

If these things are vampires then they cannot set foot on consecrated ground.

Once inside, we will be untouchable.

This place is in B block on other side of compound directly beneath the office of Governor.

We'll be dead before we get there.

Also, I hear this sector is frequented by Greninja and Mandibuzz.

What if I could get my hands on a gun?

I am listening.

Renfield's office.

Where is it?

The next level.

Oh, fuck. We're fucked. We're so fucking fucked.

It's not good but it's worth a try.

Now, the quickest route is via the stairs in the Ewing.

But that's definitely gonna be guarded.

So we're going to have to climb down the disused shoot which leads to the ventilation unit... on the B block.

Now, once in the vent we are gonna have to crawl for 150 feet through the piping.

Beware of the fan.

Because if that baby fires up, we are mince meat.

Once we've got out of the piping we're gonna have to bypass two alarmed doors and... an attacking dog.

When we've gone through all of that we're in Renfield's office.

Well, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be.

Yes. No problem whatsoever.

Ah, nice one Shifty.

Uh, you do realise that guns don't kill vampires, right?

Ragsdale, your file's here.

That's impossible. I've only just got here.

Plus, I'm only here for the weekend, aren't I?

Ah, yeah. Good luck with that.

Uh, well it's here, clear as day and all your details are present except for one: your next of kin.

Ah yeah, that's cos I ain't got one.

You never told me that.

It's nothing to tell.

I did not know of this.

A thousand apologies for speaking of your momma's...

How did you say?


Victor, mate, don't worry about it.


And I'm sorry about calling you vodka bollocks.

So... you're telling me, you have ended up in prison from hell in middle of nowhere, surrounded by never-ending wasteland and you find ex-lover?

I could be shipwrecked on a desert island a million miles from anyone and I'd probably bump into some girl I've had a go on.

He knows.

Uh... Uh, actually no.

I... I bat for the other side.

Bat? Other side?

He is vampire. Uh, Vi... Vi... Victor!

I'm gay.


Oh... Nice.

Oi, so you must be like a kid in a candy store in here, ey?

No. Not really, I mean...

I don't really find... rapists, murderers and child molesters attractive.


Look, what are you doing 'ere anyway? You just don't seem the type.

I raised funds for Save the Hedgehogs.

And I kept them.

What? The funds?

No. The hedgehogs.


See, Shifty's a prime example in this place.

The punishment does not fit the crime.

And Jimmy, you're not the only one here...

No-one has a next of kin. No-one.

My parents, they abandoned me when I came out.

My brother... is a drug-dealing arsonist.

He only has sex with ladies, so you know... he's alright.

Mine are back in homeland.

Here, Victor is alone.

It's the same for all inmates dating back to the year dot and you're all AB negative.

Every single prisoner's blood type here is AB negative.

Is coincidence.

It's the rarest blood type there is.

We're probably the tastiest.

You're all AB negative and you're all loners.

No-one will notice you're gone. Bit harsh.

Jesus, they're covering their tracks.

This place isn't a prison; it's a larder.

And you...

You're not prisoners.

What are we? You're breakfast, lunch... and dinner.

Get in. Most important meal of the day.


Let them choke.

Talk about blood cells.


This isn't ideal.

But if everyone just remains calm I'm sure there is somebody here, who can help me.

Help me! Shh!

Help me! Somebody help...!

Shut up! Somebody, help me!

There's vampires in your prison!

Shut him up! Please help me!

Fuck it.

Run! Meet at B block!


Tread lightly... for it is here that I once saw a Charizard stroking the tail of Mutu.

Dr Makepeace.

I think this'd be safer with you.

Oh shit.

Trust me to be in the group with a fucking looney tune instead of the one with the shooter.


Through here, into the boiler room then B block.



Please, help me.


Brute? Brute?

I'm sorry, Chief Shifty.

Please, cut me down.

OK. Please Shifty.


I told you! Guns don't kill vampires!



Oh. Fuck it.

Oh fuck.


No. Wait!

Stop! Please!

Listen. No! Hell no! No!

What are you doing?

No! Please! Listen!

Ne, no! No!

Argh! No!

I can't see.

Oh fuck. Fuck. My glasses.

What are you doing? Where's it coming from?

Is it coming for blood? Oh, no, no, no. It's with us.

What is it? Noibat. No. It's Woobat. It's with us.


Come on. Mr Reeves?

Mr Reeves?

Give me the girl, and I'll kill you quick.

Stay back!

Fucking hell.




OK. Fuck.

His son, our lord and in the power of the Holy Spirit may you be a purified water empowered to drive afar all power of the enemy in fact, to root out and banish the enemy himself...

Come on.

Hey, Nigella. Here's dessert.

We should go! Come on!

What do they want with you?

What are you talking about Ragsdale?

Don't get me wrong, right. I'd still give you one, but...

Nah, what I meant is they're probably interested in you on an intellectual level cos you stimulate them intellectually and that...

Seems Governor Payne has pervy plans for me.

He thinks he'll gain eternal benefits if I was to...

Well, give him one.

Look, what we gonna do if they get between us and the constipated land? They won't.

Listen, if we get through this...

Oi, I really want to sort this out. Like... I'll do anything.

All I want you to do right now is kill vampires.

You know how to do that right?

You either fuck 'em up in the head or skewer their heart.

Just like you did to me.

Governor Payne the vessel of purity shall be within your grasp imminently.


I must prepare for her arrival.

Argh. Dammit.

Here, let me help ya. No. I've got it.

Come on, let me help. Jimmy, no.

But babe, you've hurt your hand. Get off me!

And don't babe me. You need to straighten your head.

On the other side of this door, is a straight dash at B block. OK?

Shifty better be waiting for us.


Look, it's been good fun working with ya, Dr Makepeace.

See you on the other side, Jimmy.



Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. This way!

Oh, yes! Go.


You! I'm not full anymore!

This is all your fault!


Shifty? Shifty? Shifty?

It's OK. I'm... I'm OK.

It was just a scratch.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.

Jimmy. Get to the chapel!

Ah shit.

Liking the new look though.

The chapel is this way. No, no. Shh.

This is Shifty. Trust me. Come on, come on. Just come this way.

Wait! What's going... What's going on? Go, go. Shh.


You better run, Spaghetti Dick.

There's no point in running. The prophecy is already underway.

The vessel of purity shall be sucked upon!

At dawn, you'll find your kind kneeling before us in a pool of your children's blood.

The Governor is eternal. We shall be eternal!

Shut the fuck up.




Oh no, Shifty. You alright, mate? You alright?

It's horrible, Jimbo.

It's really horrible.

I can feel the evil creeping through my bones.

I just want to go home and eat my hedgehogs.

Oh no!

Katie? Where's Katie? Is she downstairs?

She's in the chapel, right? Right? I... I... I sold out Katie.

I sold out poor Katie. What?

I couldn't help it. It's the Governor.

I keep hearing him in my head. In my hea...

You... You've got to stop him Jimbo.

He's going to hurt her, and if he does...

they'll be unstoppable.

We'll be unstoppable.

Oh God.

You... You've got to kill me.

Jimbo, you've got to kill me.

You... You've got to kill me before... No. No, no, no.

Shifty, listen, mate. You're not evil.

You're Shifty.

I want to rip off your face and wipe it on my blood-soaked arse.

OK, that's pretty fucking evil.

Do it. Do it. Wait.

Do it! I'm sorry, mate. I'm sorry.

Wait. Wait.

Oh my God. I held onto this for you.

Oh no. For you.

Oh, Shifty.

I can't do it, mate.

I'm sorry. I can't do it, mate.

I can't.

I can't do it.

Sorry mate. Well you better have a long hard think while I scoop out Katie's eyes and push in her sku...


Ah, the smoke.

Ah, it's made me eyes water.


Goodbye Shifty, mate.









Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!


What the fuck is this crazy shit?

You insignificant speck!

The fairest one has come to me... on a hunter's moon.

This... is a gift... from the darkest depths.

I must consummate my bond with this unique bounty.

Ms Renfield fetch the stone.

You're a fucking psycho.

Ms Renfield, hurry.

The bitch has claws.

What you've been doing is revolting and sadistic.

Oh. Think of it as a simple solution to... prison overcrowding.

It is all inevitable.

Dark shall marry with light.

Sir, the mating ritual will commence. You what?

As the stone's glimmer transgresses in the majestic crimson hue of the hunter's moon.

This indicates... the fairest one's true purity. Purity?

Sorry to be a party pooper, you fucking lunatics but I'm no virgin.

I went to medical school. Oh yes.

Oh, we'll see about that, child!

It doesn't make sense.

This should be red.

This should be red.

Doesn't make sense. Gutted.

Sir, we have... We have the purest vessel. What?

What does that mean?

Jimmy, you're a... You're a virgin?

What? Me? A virgin? Nah.

Don't be stupid. I've... loads of times.

The stone never lies.

You, Jimmy Ragsdale you are the purest.

Nah, nah, nah.

Jimmy Ragsdale, a virgin?

My word.

Ah, don't tell anyone.

Um, what about Spain and... Ping Pong Pat and... and the gonorrhoea?

A ping pong ball hit me in the eye.

That's howl got the gonorrhoea.

I didn't have the guts to tell the lads.

You know, I was embarrassed, so I said that I...


Sir... Sir, we have located the fairest one.

We have dreamed about this for an age.

Embrace your exquisite prize and deflower it.

It's ludicrous.

He... looks nothing like my beloved.

So? That's got nothing to do with anything.

OK, she looks like your old floor scrubber from Chicago.

People look like people.

I get Dwayne Johnson mixed up with The Rock.

The plan's changed, Warden.

What happened to "It is inevitable. It is my calling and mandatory"?

Please don't raise your voice... I will do as I wish, you coward.

I will not remain a prisoner of my prison for another dawn.

I have longed... longed for this. Well, keep on longing.

There will be more virgins.

No, there won't.

Have you seen the internet?

It is the privilege and the prerogative of the head vampire.

Good point.

You are mine, lover boy!

Stay away from him. He is all mine!



Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner!

Come on!


Ah, bingo!

I'm going to rock your world.

No, you're not.

I'm saving myself for someone special.

You cold? Katie!

Ha! Nice try, you stupid little girl.

You cannot stop me! No... but I know someone who can.

Oh Christ.

Katie, wait. Jimmy?

Victor! Oh, mate!

You made it.

Good to see you alive and well.

Come with us. I can fix you up.

No. Victor goes alone now.

Who knows? Maybe I make it home and see my Mishkov.

Is that his son?


That's his bear.

Hey, Victor.

You know you said that you had no family?

Well you have now, mate.

Thank you, my friend.

Oh, and by the way, I did not kill 20 men.

In homeland I'm investment banker.


Did you get bit?

I'm about to find out.

Come on!

Oh fuck.

Ah, come on, Shifty. Give us some 'elp.

Yes! Yeah!

Do you want a bite of me apple?

I'd rather pop your cherry.