Fantozzi (1975) Script

Subtitles downloaded from Podnapisi.NET Hallo? - Hallo? Yes? - Sorry to disturb you.

Am I speaking to the switchboard of the illustrious company...

..ltalpetrolcemetermo textilfarmometalchemicals? - Yes.

My name is Mrs Fantozzi Pina...

..the wife of accountant Fantozzi Ugo, an employee of yours.

(Receptionist) No phone calls allowed except for notifications of death.

Wait, I would humbly like to remark,...

..that I haven't had any news of my husband for the last 18 days.

I'm sorry to disturb you, but I'm starting to get worried.

(Receptionist) Hold on. Thank you, miss.

That's very kind of you. They will find out about daddy.

Is a certain accountant Fantozzi part of our staff?

I can look at the personnel office. Fabriani, Facchetti...

...Falabrino, Zarotti, Battifer, who messed up the files?

General Archives here: found! ID 7820l8-a.

Janitor? We need the master key!

That's his punch card, only the entrance is clocked in.

Notify the office of lost employees.


What was behind this wall?

The old toilets. They walled them up 20 days ago.

Break through this wall.


Come on, help him!

Do you feel sick? How did it happen?

Thanks. - How're you? - Perfect, just a slight appetite.

(Altogether) Bravo!

7 C.

Miss. Ok, 13 M.

Water, miss.

Miss Silvani, I'm back. Yes, I know.

Accountant, I'm back. A 6. - Hit.

Is it a cruiser? Yes.

P 1 2

Ah! - Carboni? Were you hiding? - Ouch!

Good morning, Miss Silvani.

Fantozzi? - Ouch! Are you hurt? - Not at all.

Since you already have so many files, why don't you take mine too?

It's my pleasure. Thanks.

In order to stamp his punch card exactly at 8:30 Fantozzi used to wake up at 06:15. That was 16 years ago.

Today, after many experiments and improvements,... he wakes up at 07: 51 stretching the limits of human possibilities.

Everything is calculated in split seconds:

5 seconds to come to.

4 seconds to bear his wife's appearance...

...over 6 seconds to ask himself, as usual, and with no answer,...

...why he married that domesticated creature in the first place

3 seconds to drink his wife's abominable coffee

... at 3000 degrees Fahrenheit.

8 to 10 seconds to cool off his burning tongue.


2 1/2 seconds to kiss his daughter Mariangela.

Simultaneous combing and latte-drinking

Brushing teeth with mint toothpaste and coffee flavor,...

...causing a physiological response requiring another 6 seconds European time.

...3, 2, 1!

Now 3 minutes to get dressed,...

...and run to the bus stop for the 08:01.

Barring unforeseen consequences.

Switch!

We'll never make it.

So? I'll catch the bus from above.

No! - No, daddy. Yes, I'll jump from the balcony.

I'll save 2 minutes. You never did it before, you're not ready!

I've never done it, but I've always dreamt of doing it.

Ugo! - What is he doing? He's catching the bus from above.

Come on, accountant! Thanks.


(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Don't push!

What are you doing?

What happened? No, not me!

Who was the first one? (Altogether) He was!

Wait, I need to go to work, I have to punch my card.

I'm late. Wait. you must sign, it's your responsibility. Do you have a pen? - No.

I'll sign with my blood. Goodbye.

Come on, Fantozzi, you can make it! Come on. - You've arrived.

Once more, Fantozzi!

Come on, last effort.

Don't help him or he'll be disqualified.

Get up, you'll make it! Don't give up.

You're almost there. Come on! - Come on, Fantozzi.

Just 100 meters and you're there. Come on, Fantozzi.

Come on, Fantozzi!

(Altogether) Alč! Alč! Alč!

(Bell ringing)

The exit looked like the starting line of the 100 meter Olympic championships.


(Bell ringing)

Miss Silvani was elected Miss 40th floor for the second time.

Fantozzi had been desperately courting her for 7 years.

Fantozzi, what are you doing here? Nothing, I need a file.

Miss Silvani? Yes?

I would like to give you a dual color band for your adding machine.

(Fantozzi) I know they don't give them out here...

How nice! Fantozzi, you're an angel.

Miss, I... if it doesn't bother you...

Miss Silvani? What?

Did you see the sun shining... - Yes, nice.

Are you leaving? - I have an urgent file. I'll do that.

I have to go to the bathroom.

During the funeral of the mother of earl Lamberti,...

...Mega-natural Managing Director, deceased at 126 years of age.

Fantozzi was in complete panic.

Miss, may I come with you?

Thanks, but I'll take the tram with surveyor Carboni.

I insist! but I promised him!

I have a car. Well... are you taking me home? - Yes.

We should have talked about it today.

I have a very important meeting. Where are you going?

Please, miss. - Also the flowers. Ouch! Open! - God!

Fantozzi, are you kidding? Do you want me to die? - My mistake.

A bad mistake.

Which one is yours? This piece of junk?

The hearse was better. Let's go. - Please.

My hand!

Get on the other side. (Fantozzi complains)

What's up? All right, I got it.

Are you hurt? No, just my finger got smashed.

Be careful I am closing. Wait, I'll do it.

Excuse me, I slightly smashed...

It could have been worse. Much worse.

See the countess? Today we are alive, and tomorrow we are not.

''Enjoy today, because you never know about tomorrow''

Nice poem, is it yours? Yes, something from my youth.

What does it mean?

Let's pick up the spring flowers before the winter comes.

So... Go on.

May I have the honor to invite you for lunch at ''Gigi the fucker''?

It's a bit late... You're busy.

Ok... I accept. You accept?


Ouch! You assholes.


Get out, you turd. Show them who you are!

Now who's the asshole?! Me! Me!

Mind what you say! Do something. - Just a moment.

Punch them. Say it again, if you have the guts.

If you dare to shout I...

What's up?

I think everything is clear, I would like to go. - Where?

My hand! My hand, my hand!

What do you want now? It's all the lady's fault!

That stupid lady's fault!

You are disgusting. Treating a woman that way.

You know that was just a trick in order to avoid...

..a rough fight.

Thank you. What are you doing? Miss?

Miss, what are you doing?

Miss, and our lunch? I'm not hungry anymore.

I booked.

(Noise)

Excuse me? Are you insured?

Pina? Yes, one moment.

I just wanted to tell you that you are the most important woman...

...and the most beautiful I have ever... Oh, Ugo.

Damn...

Good morning.

(Whistle)

(Whistle)

Damn. - Good morning. How are you, Fantozzi?

Do you have change? Good morning, director. Sure.

One moment... Here it is, my last one.

I tried before and it doesn't work.

In every social circle, there's always a certain person...

...who organizes the recreational events.

In Fantozzi's society this was Filini.

New year's eve dinner, Mario Canello orchestra, ...Filini organization.

Participation is mandatory. It only costs 5000 liras.

I don't know... - I've already signed you up, and your wife too. and also the monkey... Albertina... Mariangela. my daughter.

Yeah, sure, she doesn't need to pay.

Fantozzi had never been able to escape From Filini's abominable initiatives...

...starting from the yearly football match between bachelors and married employees.

It takes place on the most devastated field on the outskirts of town.

The teams always play very badly because of:...

...desertions, forbidding from mothers, spouses and house doctors.

Heads. Tails.

Here. - Where is it? - Stop. There it is.

Here. - No, that's a pebble. Don't stir up the water. - Carefully.

(Referee whistle)

Careful. - Under there. Give it to me.

No, in the water. Take it out.

Quickly. Pass the ball.

Stop him! - To the right. Don't push. - Careful!

Goal! I scored!

I scored! - Bravo! We are great.

Braggart. Referee? That's a penalty!

Come on, kick it. One moment.

(referee whistle)

Careful. Come on. - I'm going.

(Fantozzi shouts)

(ironically) The goal scorer, who is he?

Referee, it bounced twice. What happened?

Mind the accountant! Stop him! - Push him!

Run! Stop him!

Bravo! - I kicked it! Everybody there!

Watch the shot! Look out!

See what you did?!

Pass the ball. - Don't dribble. Don't hold onto the ball.

Careful... Corner! - Corner.

Let me kick it! - Hurry up. Here, this is the right spot. - Yes.

Spin. Kick it.

It's mine! Mine!

Where's the ball? - He kicked it. Did you kick it? - Yeah. but I should've kicked it! I wanted to surprise them.

Go! Go! Go!

Keeper! - Where is he? Goal!

Kick him out!

It wasn't my fault. - Twice, first with the right foot and then with the head.

I understand that... I won't play anymore, go away!

Ball! Come on, accountant!

It's mine! Mine! Stop him!

After 12 minutes of the first half,...

...the first symptoms of a heart attack appear.

Followed by the implacable dark cloud of the employer... every employer has his own cloud. these evil clouds can stay away over 14 months.

But once they realize their workers are on holiday,...

...they will pour down tons of thick cold rain.

Post! Stop! Stop!

Center! Try the breaststroke!

I got it!

The ball. Kick it!

Kick it! Kick it!

That's too high!

I'll head it! You sure? - Very sure...

When Fantozzi sees Saint Peter hovering over the goalpost...

..it is a sign that the tragedy is finally coming to an end.

It doesn't bounce anymore.

The match is suspended! Everybody go home!

Last year the married won 3 heart attacks versus 2 drownings.

Fantozzi was Filini's favorite victim.

Once he convinced him to buy a boat in partnership.

8 kilos of bills until 1984!

Hunted by the usual cloud, they left during a wonderful spring day.

(in French) Look! Our countryside is beautiful!

It's the doll's fault... Shall I clean it? - Hands off!

Can you see? Yes.

I'd drive more to the right. Or, the left. - I can see clearly.

Stop. Stop! (in French) What is it?

What happened? Arrest those rascals!

(in French) I'm sorry, Minister of Petroleum.

Both of you come out. Come here. - I'm sorry.

Don't bother. - Accountant Fantozzi? - Follow us.

(in French) He's so wet.

He was driving! Fantozzi, tell him.

I said that, but...

A hundred lashes each.

They didn't fine us. We were lucky.

Because of this humiliating hitch...

...they arrived at the camping site late that night.

See how wonderful? This is heaven.

Shall we pitch the tent? Yes, ready!

Where? I would say here.

Be careful.

(in German) Italians always noise! Always sing, guitar and mandolin.

(in German) Silence! "Here sleeping, we German!"

(in German) We German, no Italian mandolin! - Shut up.

Stop the mandolin or they'll kick us out. Ok.

First, the stakes.

I'll take them. Good.

(Iron plate noise)

Careful. Yes, careful.

Give me the hammer. - Shall I swing? No, you hold the stake.

Try to be careful. Don't worry.

(Stifled scream)


(painful scream)

Please, be careful. Damn, that hurts.

You almost smashed my hand. Look here.

(Stifled scream)

(painful scream)

(German muttering)

Once again, come on!

(German muttering)

Ouch!

God!

Shall I go? You go.

(the Germans laugh)

I would like to try. Sure, come on board.

You just have to pull the rope. Ok. - Shall I go on? - Yes.

Everything looks OK. - Perfect. Let's try it. Shall I go? - You go.

It turned on!

Did you turn it off? - Yes. I hate engines, I prefer sailing.

But you were too stingy to buy a sailboat! - Yes.

We can make one, with the flag, and the pole as a mast.

Did it fit? Yes, completely.

Good, the wind is from the east. No, it's from the west.

It is from the east. I insist.

Shall I go? You go.

They rented a rowboat at a shameful price.

A huge two-ton monster. Wait. - Not like that.

Don't pull. - I'm not pulling. Let me in, so.

Don't move, I'll go in. Where are you going? - Don't worry.

You need to be absolutely calm. Pardon me? - What are you saying?

Excuse me, Filini? Come back. - What?

I'll be back there. We are making a mess of it.

Follow me, down. - Ok. Down, this way. - Down.

I'm stuck. No, put your leg behind your head.

(moans)

I can't stand it anymore. Neither can I.

I can't resist, I am going crazy.

You sure you didn't bring any water?

You should have done it. No, you said you would.

No, you took the responsibility.

The... The... the cloud.

The employer's cloud!

Here it is, hurray for the cloud! Come here above, stop!

(Filini) Please Rain! (Fantozzi) Rain!

(thunders)

Water! Water!

What are you doing? Where are you going? No, here! Here!

Where is it going? No!

At 3 pm,...

..Filini started hearing sirens as if he were Ulysses.

(far away voices) Filini!

(far away voices) Accountant Filini!

(far away voices) You are so beautiful! We want you! Follow us.

Fantozzi, on the contrary was holding to his own style.

Mystic hallucinations.

Do you have any fish? We didn't fish. - Any bread?

No, he should have brought it. - No, him. What the hell should I multiply, then?

On Christmas' eve, in the Olympus at the 18th floor,...

...the natural and collateral mega directors were exchanging amazing gifts.

Golden panettoni with sapphires and amethysts instead of candies.

And cheers with champagne dated 1612.

Gentlemen, shall we go to a cafe? Yes.

The children are here. Let them in. - The first one.

Be joyful, Jesus is born. And many wishes to the Counselor.

Good! Bravo!

This is for you, merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

''Flowers with colored petals.'' ''But changing in fruits...''

Go.

''A big and nice cherry tree, said to a little one:...''

''..you are good, you have flowers, with many colored petals.''

''But you won't be able, to give much fruit.''

(Everybody laughs)

A specimen from the zoo. She's well tamed.

We should make a selection, I am a sensitive person.

She's the daughter of accountant Chimp. or Sir Gorilly.

Cheetah, do you like bananas? Cheetah, flip over. - No.

Her father is here. Who is he?

Anyway, I wish you all my humblest Christmas greetings...

...and a respectable happy new year.

Let's go my dear.

Keep it tight because it's very cold.

Daddy, why did they call me Cheetah?

Who? Who's Cheetah?

Cheetah Hayworth was a very famous American actress.

She was the most beautiful of them all.

But, you know what? You're even more beautiful than she was.

Maybe.

(MUSIC)

All the best! Happy New Year. - All the best.

Hey!

Let's go there! Good evening.

Happy New Year Miss Silvani. Thanks. - How are you?

Carboni, do you know my wife? Nice to meet you. - Sit here.

I want Mariangela next to me.

Mr Fantozzi, what are you doing? You're at table 22, not here.

Carboni, please. See you later.

Here I am.

Nice. - After...to toast together, ...later.

A toast. Shall we toast?

It's cold, isn't it?

Aren't you cold? A little bit.

No, Mariangela, take it off or you'll look ugly.

(orchestra)

(dialogue)

(orchestra)

Excuse me? Won't you change it?

Presto! Presto! So it'll be over soon.

Hey!

The tortellini! - Good. Tortellini and sour cream.

Tortellini? Yes.

Do you like it? - Yes, a lot. More? - No, thanks, that's enough.

Have a bit of salt. Thanks.

Pork leg with lentils! I love this dish!

It's nothing!

It can happen.

It brings good luck.

Accountant, it's money!

Be happy, sir! Happiness all year long!

Sir, fruit salad and whipped cream. I like this a lot.

Enough.

(orchestra)

Around 10:30, after dinner, since the conductor had another appointment, he fast-forwarded to New Year...

Attention please! 3 minutes to the midnight!

Be ready with the champagne!

Wait. nine, eight, seven, six,...

..five, four, three, two, one...

Midnight! Happy New Year!

Toast! Happy New Year!

All the best! - Who'll kiss me? Me! A kiss.

Fantozzi? Where were you? I've been looking for you all night.

Shall we toast? Happy New Year! All the best!

Happy New Year!

All the best!

(orchestra)

All the best!

Happy New Year!

(orchestra)

Ugo?

Are you hurt? Don't ruin this night, please.

I'm not hurt. Nothing? - Good for you.

Nothing? - He's not hurt. Happiness!

Music! Hurray!

At 1:30 a.m., conductor's bogus mean-time... or otherwise, at the real midnight, the fireworks commence.

My watch says 1:30. It's midnight. They have...

It doesn't matter! Hurray! All the best!

Let's go to my house, I have a bottle of Brunello wine!

Party at Fantozzi's place! All the best! Ouch!

Happy new year! - Who'll drive with me? I have 7 seats free!

Careful below! Go ahead! A new year, a new life!

Heads up! Happy New Year!

I think I'll leave it parked here.

The wild sir Catellani...

...had been elected Grand Maestro of the Human Resources Department.

At work: No pain, no gain!

True words from somebody who worked his ass off.

He placed in the hall the statue of his mother, Teresa...

..and forced everybody passing by to honor her.

(Metallic noise)

Do you need anything? No.

Enjoy your meal, Miss Silvani. Thanks.

I'll sit next to you. Sure, sit down. - Thanks.

Is this seat taken? - Yes. Then I'll sit here.

This one too... this too. Both? - Yes.

Wine? - Thanks, water and wine. But water is discouraging.

Come here, Fantozzi. Thanks.

I say: B 1 2, and he says: water...

Did you eat pasta with beans?

No, I had the beef. I like it a lot.

You know what? Catellani likes to play billiards.

Good morning and have a nice meal! Do you know something?

Catellani likes to play billiards, Why are you telling me? I found it out first!

Somebody from finance department, Mr Vitti. - I know him.

Seven games lost, two promotions. - Two?!

May I come in!

Good morning.

(Metallic noise)

Do you need anything? No, no.

(Fantozzi complains)

Good morning director. - Hey! The red light is on. - Not for me.

Dear Catellani!

Where's the sleeping pill? I can't sleep. - It's here.

From a lowly janitor he became a civil servant. And Carboni? He's a billiards champion.

Stupid idiot, he lost 37 games in a row,...

... and so he became Soglio's assistant.

He can go in Catellani's office even when it's restricted. Damn him!

Ugo? - Yes? Listen, why don't you lose a couple of games too? - Never.

I'd prefer to starve, eat bread with onions.

And I never played billiards in my life.

I have my dignity. You're right.

And I could never look into your eyes...

To the right, slow down. Higher. Up your bum!

Hold the cue down. Wait, I'll show you.

Hold the cue in this position and...

(Fantozzi stifled scream) Rap! What happened?

Don't be silly! Hold the cue down. Over there!

Up your bum. No, too much. Up your head, stiff but relaxed.

Now, a bit further, to the right. Straighten your back!

You must shoot here. And now pull back. Come on!

What have you done?

What are you hiding? - A tooth. A tooth? - An incisor actually.

Where are the pins? The pins are... I drank them.

Very good, now you'll eat them.

It's 03:30, not my lunchtime. Eat the pins.

Do you mind if I eat only the red one?

All of them! - I am on diet. All of them. - All of them.

I just need to learn to lose, not to win.

I only teach to be a winner or nothing else. Punishment.

Give me the back of your hands. But you just did it last night. - Hands!

(Screams of pain)

The lesson is over, read the book. See you tomorrow night.

Can I come around one o'clock? At 02:30. - Fine.

He met the billiards teacher through a night security guard, who was an incurable night-bird.

Rather than confess to his wife the shameful truth,...

..he preferred to simulate a love affair.

To make the thing believable, he left clues everywhere.

until, one night,...

(song in Italian)# Parlami d'amore, Mariů. Dimmi che il mio amore sei tu. #

# Gli occhi tuoi belli brillano. Dimmi che illusione non č... #

Are you cheating on me? Yes. That's life.

I separated the beds...

# Parlami d'amore... #

Do you need anything? - No. This time I've been very careful.

Bitch! Bitch! Old hag! I'll show you!

You'll see...

I am cleaning well. It was very dirty.

When you said "bitch" were you alluding to your wife?

Yes, how did you know? Everyday I...

That's true, every day coming in and going out... he says to his wife: old hag and... - Bitch!

Can you play billiards? Me? Sure.

Saturday night at my place.

Everybody! - He's a nice director. Nice director.

Yes, a wonderful person. You are a saint! - An apostle.

Three cheers for our director. Hurray!

(talking)

Hi, Diego.

Let's drink a toast to the winner. To you!

Stop drinking! Now we play. Fantocci! Where is Fantocci? er, Fantozzi? - Go find him! He's calling you. - ''Fantocci''!

Here he is. Are you scared? Come on! Come on!

Ready? I am. - Mummy.

Let's go. Make room.

Come on. You do this for me and for Mariangela. - Don't worry.

Nice mum. Thanks. - Stop it.

And you? - Mr Filini Renzo, accidents department.

Are you an accountant? - Yes. You can mark the points. Billiards!

Thanks, you're very kind. So? - I am very happy.

Let the best man win, me!

Please. - No, thanks. - Please. I don't like them. - Please!

If you insist I can eat this.

Are you eating the chalk?

Here it is. Wait a moment.

This too? What are you doing?

-Here, the left... Don't be silly, give it to me.

And play, you idiot!

The ball is the right one.

Your turn. You didn't even touch it.

A little bit. - Did he touch it? No! - See?

Go on. - I think it is... Go on, ''asshole''!

One point for me! Yes, one point for the director!

Very good, director! Now, I'll teach you a lesson.

Be careful, it's a masterstroke.

Go! - Very good, director! Good- Thanks!

Eight points, mark it. Come on.

Hurry up! ''Asshole''! Don't get distracted.

It will all be over soon.

Pull. - That's very easy.

You touch mine and make a point... He messed up, stupid!

Shall I eat them? Do you want to eat them?

Are you a cannibal? Come on. Buffoon.

Bravo! Bravo!

Many thanks to the ''asshole''. Accountant, point.

Let's see.

Bravo! Good job! Great!

Please

Another missing! 24 for the director.

Eight to the company! Nice work!

Eight points against the asshole.

That's just luck, asshole.

Eight! This is skill, asshole.

Yours is luck, mine is skill, my dear asshole.

After 380 "assholes" and 49 points against 2 ,...

...Fantozzi met again his wife's eyes.

Can you excuse me one moment?

I would like,...

I'd like to play, now.

Mark! 11 points, not 3! I'm sorry.

''Asshole''! There it is!

12 Points. And now for the central pin effect.

5, pull it up!

Mark!

5 corners kick and 11 points.

Match!

Royal triplet back with ball.

(Silence)

Accountant Fantozzi: 51. Director Earl Catellani: 49.

I'll take the old lady!

What are you doing, young man? Put me down.

Excuse me, madam

Hallo? Earl Catellani?

These are the conditions to release your mother.

First: a monthly allowance with a 13th month for my wife and my daughter.

Second: a plane to Libya.

The plane is the most important thing. because your mother...

He's my man! - Leave me alone. I love you! Forgive me, Diego.

Your mum is asking that. Wait a moment. - What are you doing?

Are you leaving me? Don't go away, Ugo!

Wait for me here. Open up, Ugo. I love you!

Open! I want you! I love you!

Don't run away!

Three months later, facing the image of his tragic physical decline,...

Fantozzi decided to go on a diet.

After years of deskbound life, his new word was...

Sports! I should take up some sport. Look, I don't fit in anymore.

Ok, but be careful. Mind your age. No dangers, no age!

Pina. My back. My god, Ughino.

I just told you. I'm stuck. - Where's the pain?

My back. Ugo, you can't do sports anymore.

I like you the way you are.

Filini booked the tennis field on the coldest Sunday of that year.

From 6 to 7 in the morning.

All the other time slots...

...had been booked by players of higher ranking.

Miraculous director, heirs, cardinals, and sons.

(Filini) This way!

(Filini) This way! Come!

What are you doing? You almost crashed.

In the changing rooms there were three players from the night before.

Good morning. Good morning.

Go on.

Cold, aren't you? No.

Filini's outfit: his rich auntie's white skirt.

White t-shirt, fat leather walking shoes,...

...scottish socks and garters, double racket.

Fantozzí: t-shirt, armpits-length pants open on the front,..

...and poorly closed with a safety pin.

Racket from 1912, elegant green hat with pocket:...

..writing~ Town Hall Casino of Saínt Víncent~.

Which side do you prefer to play? It's up to you.

Well, I chose this side. Fine. - That way faces the sun.

Well? Are you starting?

Are you being informal to me? No, I mean: Mr Filini would you start?

Ah, informal! Yes! - Wait.

(scream of pain)

Well? (Fantozzi) One moment!

(Fantozzi) Ready? Ready! noise of smashed glass

15-0. What? I'm here.

I thought you were.. Hey!

Ready? Ready!

Go!

A good service: bend your knees,...

...left foot ahead, hammer position...

..waist rotation and violently...

(birds tweet)

What are you doing?, Retiring? Good!

(Blast)

Let's clean the lines too.

Fantozzi abandoned the idea of sport, but not the diet.

He sacrificed part of his summer vacation...

... to find health in the ~Magnolie~.

You are here to pay, aren't you?

No, I am here about the diet.

Perfect! I'll tell you about the paying terms. All at once!

It's a psychological motivation so that the patient is involved in the cure.

I don't have much cash. There is some money here.

50,000 liras and 10,000 tip to the lady and 40,000 for me.

For the rest you can sign a check, and the saints are for you.

Thanks a lot.


Excuse me?

I didn't have breakfast yet, what about board?

Nothing! You fast the first 10 days. No food, no drink.

What's the toilet for, then?

Smells like mushroom risotto!

It really is mushroom risotto! Where is it?

It's not here. Only the smell.

They send it through the air pipe under the bed.

Tonight I had pot roast and onions.

Plug the pipe with your coat if you don't want to go crazy.

No! I must resist!

Fantozzi found out that the profits of the institution's director...

...were derived from night deals.

(confused voices)

"Tagliatelle alla boscaiola. Paglia e fieno ai 4 formaggi."

"Rigaroni alla bella Bologna".

Cash, please.

Do you want something? How much for a portion?

28,000 liras. "Paglia e fieno?"

These are my last 30,000 liras, no change. - Bucatini?

Here are the bucatini.

I'm starving, I'm starving! Quickly, please!

For you? Lasagnette.

How much do you have? I have 10,000 lire. You need more.

Damn you.

Here it is! NO!

28,000 liras! Thieves! You will never get me! Never!

But after 2 days and 2 nights of heroic resistance, they finally got him.

"Ravioli di spinaci with double butter."

What's on tonight? Pappardelle with hare's sauce.

Two portions. Ok. 56,000 liras.

I don't have cash anymore... We have checks you can sign.

Here it is!

In the following nights he went 280,000 liras into debt.

Then, he lost count.

(German speaking)

Got! He was eating! Take him away!

To the check point!

Weight check for patient nr 28.

That night Fantozzi signed two giant checks.

He bought the most expensive specialty: "Spaghettí alla Montecristo".

(sirene)

(German orders)

I can't talk. A man of class never talks.

My ''compact'' model, no diets or sacrifice...

...you have 20 kilos and 20 years less.

Miss Silvani? You have an old debt to me.

Do you know that they opened up a new Japanese restaurant?

Ok, Fantozzi, it's a pleasure to accept.

You are thinner, what did you do? You look like another person.

Can you turn me, please? Yes.

I go to dinner with the managers. You look like a manager too.

Kiss.

I can't do that. It doesn't matter. Bye. See you soon.

Bye.


(scream of pain)


Sayonara. - Sayonara. You are so beautiful, you look very nice dressed like that.

You're very elegant too. This is. - My pleasure.

My beloved puppy. I can't live without him. - I see.

He can't eat without me. My pleasure.

He's a peke,... Let's go.

I booked 3 months ago.

Nice. Wait.

See puppy, all these people eating their foody-woody?

Are you going to feed him? Yes, sure.

The rules of Japanese restaurants are terrible.

The staff speaks only Japanese.

Hello. This dog needs food. He's hungry! ''Yummy''! Hungry.

Kitchen, eat. You, cook.

You understand? (Japanese speaking)

(The dog gnarls)

Miss Silvani? - Yes? Your dog will be fine - Thanks.

He's eating in the kitchen. You must bow, it's the rule.

You bow, please. I'll go.

(bump) I'm sorry, it was my turn!

(Japanese speaking)

-Do you like here? It's nice, isn't it?

Kneeling down is a bit uncomfortable. I feel very good.

Miss Silvani. - Yes? I would like...

I would like to tell you the most important thing of my life. - Tell me.

Did you see the goldfish? Yes, why - They are mullets.

(SCREAM) What's happening?

Ever since the Human Resource Department, seven years ago...

Sake.

What's that? - The famous Japanese wine rice Good.

Thanks. Thanks.

What's this? Melted lead? No, you must drink it very warm.

Drink it. - The secret is to drink it all at once.

It doesn't matter! It does...

Air! Have you got a light?

Wait...

See...it's cold water.

Miss Silvani, for 7 years I've been trying to tell you...

Oh, well!

(Japanese speaking)

What? Yes!

What did she say? - She said that... I mean...

...enjoy your meal. - You are so wise! Yes, but...

(SCREAM) Why'd they do that?

Why did they throw dishes? Here?

It's a typical Japanese custom.

The Russians throw glasses, here they throw dishes.

Please, do that too, please.

I'm afraid I can't scream so well.

Just one time, for me.

I can do that. Good.

(screams) Bravo, that was a good scream.

What are you doing? - I am checking the water temperature.

Anyway, I've been trying to tell you...

(JAPANESE SPEAKING)

(JAPANESE SPEAKING) Alive?

What? He'll cook them "alla livornese".

With some garlic. Yes, yes.

(screams)

He chopped them.

Thanks. - What, raw? No, it's grilled.

Raw, it's raw!

Please, do eat. Don't complain, smile.

Not with your hands! With the chopsticks!

Got it? Use the chopsticks.

(Cry of disgust)

I am sorry.

(Scream)

(Fantozzi cries)

Good!

Mr Fantozzi, you cheated me, you're fatter than before.

Not really, it's because of the Japanese food...

Do you know Buddha?

(Japanese scream)

"Ghiri ghi."

Fine, you eat this crap, but be quick,...

'cause I'm fed up of you and this place!

(in English) What is this?

Finally some beef.

(SILVANI screams and cries)

Pier Ugo! - What... You murdered a Pekinese!

It was a mistake! I am not a murderer!

It's not my fault, I swear. I didn't mean it.

Please, believe me. It's a misunderstanding.

I will make ''hara-kiri'' with the chopsticks, you help me.

It's under the table. I am sorry.

I'll kill myself in the pool of the raw muttels!

My trusted disciples! High priest, give me bread!

No bread here, only rice. Bread is forbidden.

Then, I'll make an exception...

..I'll multiply...

..the...

Fish and rice....

The forgiveness of Miss Silvani cost Fantozzi a very high price.

A litter of Pekinese, directly coming from Hong Kong....

I'm so excited.

Fresh air. Is it too windy for you, Fantozzi?

No, thanks. - You'll regret having brought a third person.

That's fine for me, I could have never come alone with you.

Is the hotel warm? Which hotel?! I know everybody here.

They'll want to invite us.

Carboni told so much bullshit...

...that at 1,600 meters Fantozzi got competitive hallucinations.

I've been a skiing champion. What?

I was on the championship skiing team.

How nice. Yes.

You'll show us. I haven't skied for 10 years. - What?

I haven't skied for 20 years. Speak louder!

I haven't skied for 30 or 35 years!

Hi, Claudio! Miss Countess, how are you?

Hi, see you soon! Cheers! Cheers!

Carboni knows everybody. I am not like him.

Here we are.

Shall we stop here? Sure, we'll have a drink.

Everybody is here.

Andrea, the usual. Which usual?

The usual. You are here too. When did you arrive?

Welcome, how are you? Hi, Diana. Hi, dear.

What people. - Shall we sit there? Who's he?

Look at that. Where did they find him?

Where is he coming from? Maybe he fell from the snow.

What's that peak over there? Which one? - That one.

It's the wisdom tooth. I didn't recognize it.

I'll wait for you tonight to eat polenta.

What have you done? Did you hibernate? Yes, but I can already move one arm.

Did we meet before? No, but I know you.

Countess Serbelloni Mazzanti Vien Dal Mare. - Then we know each other!

She was the daughter of one of the company's major shareholders.

And he had had the honor escort her to the train station ...

... like in a spy story.

Run, I am here! Run! Quick!

Tell me who's the murderer, at least! Ok, wait.

It's Vilan Chesserton Junior. What? - Vilan Chesserton Junior!

Who are you? Fantozzi, the guy from the spy story.

Sure! Fantozzi, how are you dear? I...

Carboni, may I introduce you to Countessa Serbelloni Mazzanti?

Countessa, my pleasure. We met before, didn't we?

Mauritius, Seychelles. Maybe.

This is accountant Fantozzi.

Tonight I'm cooking polenta, I'll be waiting for you.

Sure, we'll be on time. Good.

Fantozzi, you can come too. Thanks.

Maybe later. - Alfonsina, you are wonderful. - Hi, Gigio.

Elena, how are you?

Hello! - Miss countess. How are you? - Fine, thanks.

This is my friend, countess Serbelloni. Miss Silvani.

He's Fantozzi, you already know him. My pleasure.

After that awful diamond punch...

..the countess introduced him to a couple of friends.

Miss Bolla, Mrs and Mrs Bertani, Countess Ruffino,...

..Miss Coronari, Baron Ricasoli, Marquis Antínori...

..and the Morettí's, the ones of the beer.

Halfway through the round of introductions, Fantozzí was already drunk.

Engineer Riccadonna. Hello! - Fantozzi.

Martini and Rossi. Fantozzi!

Mr Campari and his girlfriend. Fantozzi. - Hi. - Zampozzi.

And the daughter of Sambuca Molinari.

Something to drink? No, thanks, no more.

Maybe a small beer. A small one.

I'm coming! - Your beer. A small beer.


Excuse me, I'll go out for a moment.

(huge burp)

(roar)

(scream and thud)

Guys, the polenta is ready! Ready!

Ready for the polenta! Fantozzi? - Fantozzi?

Do you want a fork? - No, I'm on a diet. She eats only if I feed her.

But the polenta is compulsory.

(Countessa) There are the sausages too!

What is it? Fantozzi. - Unbelievable Look at that! I just wanted to make a joke!

He's so funny. He's also a skiing champion!

Really? - He was on the team! Really? - On the team!

Good, tomorrow everybody goes on "the big one" with the champion!

No, I've already eaten, thanks.

They rent flophouses in the cellars of the Post Office.

Miss Silvani slept in the kitchen-toilet.

Fantozzi shared a dramatic wedding bed with Carboní.

(Thud)

Gangway! Gangway!

Here's our champion!

Hey!

How did you dress? (Countess) He's beautiful!

Champion, shall we start the match? The snow is wonderful.

The slope is frozen. Hang in here! - I'd rather walk.

Are you crazy? It's 6km away.

See you over there!


Shall we do the straight one? Yes, but that wall is scary.

Champion, how far can we go ahead? Let them go ahead.

Just count till. Ok. - Go!

One, two, three, four, five...

Fantozzi, come on! Fantozzi, you can go down now!

I'm coming, just finished counting!

(Fantozzi) ..97, 98, 99, 100...

(Fantozzi) ..103,104,105,106,107,108,109,... 1 10! Ah!

Go, you!


(Fantozzi) Help!

(Fantozzi) Gangway!

Come on! Accountant!

(Fantozzi) Careful!

(Fantozzi) Careful!

(Fantozzi) Out of the way!

Careful! I am sorry!

There! Help! - Careful!

Hands down! Let's roll in the mud!

The other ones arrived almost together.

No sign of Fantozzi.

After 1 hour and 30 minutes a ski with a ski boot arrived.

After 1 hour and 70 minutes, a pole and a barrel of whisky.

Then, a lock of hair, two molars, and the forefinger of his hand.

And finally, in an awful silence of the deep night,...

..Fantozzí gliding like a lion's skin.

He imagined himself captain Nobileone in the hell of the North Pole.

Titina? Has anybody seen my dog Titina?

You, ''marquise'' Zappi, did you see my dog?

She's in the red tent. Don't act like this, Fantozzi.

Have a drink. - Thanks Titina. I am out of shape.

When he awoke, he was in the kitchen toilet.

(Silvani) Slowly.

(Silvani) Hey, you're making me fall.

(Silvani) Darling. (Carboni) My love.

Fantozzí, reacting to that declaration of love,...

...asked and obtained a transfer to another office.

Y 7. Water.

Accountant! Fantozzi?

Fate decided that he had to stay in the room of a certain Folagra.

The black sheep, or rather, the red sheep of the company.

He was an extreme left wing intellectual.

Who everybody, including Fantozzi, had always avoided...

...for fear of being compromised in the managers' unforgiving eyes.


But because of his contact with Folagra...

...Fantozzi found a new reason to live: politics.

..and counter-revolution, I don't know if you understand.

And with the formation of natural groups, I don't know if you understand.

In an urban collective place we must think about bringing about a congestion...

...profiting, but in a modest way.

So, what shall we do? We must destroy the top.

Do you understand or not?

What are you doing? - I brought you some food. - I'll eat later.

I'll just have some milk, go to bed. I must study.

After three months of studying...

..Fantozzi saw the truth, and he got slightly upset, or actually...

..he got really angry. They cheated me!

(Pina) Who? The bourgeoisie, the multinationals!

They wanted me to believe that I had a job because they were nice people.

Please, Ugo. Compliant and grateful? No way!

One morning he entered the office with long hair,...

..and a mysterious pack.

Cowards! You are all against me!

What have I done to you? Twenty years of my life!

I'll show you!

Come down!

You did it, didn't you, Fantozzi?

Come.

That was the Galactic Director himself.

The one that no employee has ever seen.

In fact, it was rumored that he didn't even exist.

That he was not human, but an abstract entity.

Around the 19th floor he had a monstrous hallucination.

of being crucified in the lunchroom.


Excuse me,... is this... is this your room?

Sure. What about the 100 rubber plants? and the chairs made of human skin?

The big aquarium where the luckiest employees can swim in?

Just rumors, dear Fantozzi, to create subversive propaganda.

Please, sit down. Where shall we go...?

Sit down, here. Here? In your chair? - Sure.

Some water? A piece of bread?

Can I eat it together with you? Sure.

What's the difference between you and me? There is.

What do you mean by difference?

Surely you're not telling me that we are equal?

You are the masters, the slavers. We are the starving ones!

Dear Fantozzi, it's just a matter of words, of understanding.

You say masters, and I say employers.

You say slavers, and I say wealthy.

You say starvers, and I say lower class.

But for the rest, I think the same way as you do. What?

I am an enlightened man, like yourself.

And I am convinced that in this world there are many iniquities to cure.

I think the same way as you do, and the same way Mr Folagra does.

But excuse me, Sir...

You're not going to tell me that you are a communist?

(Thunders)

Well, not exactly a communist.

I am a moderate progressive.

But what do you plan to do about all these grievances...

..and all these injustices?

Well, this would require...

..that for every single problem, all the men of good will,...

...men like you and me, start to...

Please, sit down. Here, may I?

They would need to start to meet together without any violence and talk. until we reach an agreement.

But, excuse me, Your Holiness, this way will take at least 1000 years.

I can wait.

Thanks.

So, the only missing thing would be the chair made of human skin.

It does exist?!

Human skin. - Yes. Accountant Fonelli...

I recognize him!

Nice. What about the aquarium of the employees?

It does exist! The aquarium! Wonderful.

What a show! Here's Miss Perissi. And mechanic Mr Molli.

And the janitor Tritti, chosen. And accountant Bulzoni.

As I can see, Your Holiness, you don't have the mullet.

May I have the honor?

Alright, you may.

Thanks. - But be always, respectful and faithful.

I will, your almighty.


Accountant Fantozzi Ugo, ID 7820l8-a. from the Accidents Department.