Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) Script


See the people walking down the street Fall in line just watching all their feet They don't know where they want to go They're walking in time They got the beat They got the beat, yeah They got the beat

All the kids just getting out of school They can't wait to hang out and be cool Hang around till quarter after 12:00 That's when they fall in line They got the beat They got the beat Kids got the beat, yeah Kids got the beat


Go-go music really makes us dance Doing the Pony puts us in a trance Do the Watusi just give us a chance That's when we fall in line

'Cause we got the beat We got the beat We got the beat, yeah We got it We got the beat Everybody, get on your feet We got the beat We know you can dance to the beat We got the beat Jump back, get down

'Round and 'round and 'round We got the beat Linda, there's that guy from the stereo store.

Don't you think he looks like Richard Gere?

See his cute little butt?

You guys, let's talk about that fox that just walked in.

BOTH: We already were.

I'm gonna go over there and change the shakers.

Cool out. That's Stacy's section.

He's too old.

She's not even in high school yet.

Smoking's upstairs to your left.

Smoking's upstairs.

Rat, is Dolly Parton giving you a percentage of the profit?

What can I do for you, gentlemen?

You the guy with the Van Halen tickets?

I could be.

How much for something in the first 10 rows?

$20 apiece.

Those tickets were only $12.50.

So don't buy them.

All the other scalpers are sold out.

Scalper? Did you call me a scalper?

Listen, gentlemen, I perform a service here, and the service costs money.

Do you want the tickets or don't you?

Okay, we'll take them.

All right. What'd I say, $25?

BOTH: $20!

All right. Thank you.

Just made $16, Rats. What's the matter? You look depressed.

I hate working the theater. All the action's on the other side of the mall.

How's it going?

You want to take his table? Yes.

Go for it. He's cute.

Just take his order, look him in the eye.

If he says anything remotely funny, laugh like you never heard anything so funny.

And smile.

Go for it.

So, you working hard or hardly working?

You look like you could still be in high school.

I know. Everybody says that.

How old are you?

Nineteen.

How old are you?

Twenty six.

Do you think we could still be friends?

So what can I get you?

How about a meatball sandwich, a medium Coke, and your phone number?

Hi. Hello.

Get out of here, Bradley.

Dave. DAVE: How you doing, Brad?

Cooking!

Daddy's home, boys. I shall serve no fries before their time.

This one's on you, dude.

Who's got the beaucoup dolares today?

Uno dinero.

What have you got, Mr. Buck Man?

I got a cigarette.

I got uno "nickelette."

Hey! You guys had shirts on when you came in here.

Something happened to them, man.

Come on, Spicoli, just put the shirts back on.

You see that sign?

"No shirts. No shoes. No dice."

Right.

Learn it. Know it.

Live it.

Whoa.

He's the full hot orator.

STACY: Linda, did I show you this? He gave me his card.

"Ron Johnson, Audio Consultant."

Maybe we should get a frame for this and put it up on the wall.

Come on, Linda. You're the one who told me I was gonna get a boyfriend at the mall.

Do you think he'll call this week?

Why don't you call him?

I can't.

Yes, you can.

Guys love that sort of thing.

Really? Yes!

Stacy, what are you waiting for? You're 15 years old.

I did it when I was 13. It's no huge thing. It's just sex.

He was hot, wasn't he?

If I didn't have a fiancé in Chicago, I'd go for it.

Hey, how you doing? Welcome to Ridgemont.

Will it look okay?

Well, she was an American girl Raised on promises Do you know where U.S. history is?

Down the hall and turn left.

She was an American girl

Hi, Bradley.

Grown up. Looking good.

BRAD: Another year joined at the lips.

Hi, Brad!

Denise. I'd make you see God.

Brad!

Big Cruising Vessel!

Bradley!

Thank you.

Six more payments, gentlemen, and this beautiful blue, four-door, luxury sedan is all mine!

DAMONE: I'll give you four tickets in the fifth row for the low price of $140.

See that car?

Some alumni gave Jefferson that car for playing football when he was a sophomore.

Helped him pick it out.

Slick car.

We go way back, you know.

Hey, Charles, how you doing, buddy?

Car looks great. I mean really terrific.

You're really keeping it up wonderfully.

Don't fuck with it.

Shit! That's my man.

ARNOLD: Brad?

Arnold! What's happening?

Can I talk to you a minute?

Sure, man.

I really hate Bronco Burger.

Ever since they started with the chicken nuggets, everything went downhill.

You have to fry all their greasy food, and you have to polish things.

And the manager's an asshole.

I was just wondering...

Arnold, do you want to work at All American Burger?

Yeah, well...

I can probably get you in. Just let me talk to Dennis Taylor.

All right. Okay.

STUDENT 1: Wait. Did you hear the bell ring?

STUDENT 2: What bell? STUDENT 1: We're here.

Aloha.

My name is Mr. Hand.

I have but one question for you.

Can you attend my class?

It is for your own good. And if you can't make it, I can make you.

MR. HAND: We have a 20 question quiz every Friday.

Your grade is the average of all your quizzes, plus the midterm and final which counts for one-third.

Got it?

Also...

There will be no eating. E-A-T-I-N-G.

No eating in this class.

You get used to doing your own business on your own time.

That's one demand I make.

Just like you wouldn't want me to come to your house some evening and discuss U.S. history on your time, understand?

Yes, sir.

This guy's been stoned since the third grade.

Yes?

Yeah, I'm registered in this class.

What class?

This is U.S. history.

I see the globe right there.

Really?

Hey. May I come in?

Oh, please.

I get so lonely when I hear that third attendance bell ring and all my kids are not here.

Sorry, I'm late. It's just like this new schedule's totally confusing.

I know that dude.

Mr. Spicoli.

That's the name they gave me.

You're ripping my card. Yes.

Hey, bud, what's your problem?

No problem at all.

I think you know where the front office is.

You dick!

I have taken the time to print up a complete schedule of class quizzes and the chapters they cover.

Please pass them to the desk behind you.

MR. HAND: Back, back, back.

Did you hear about this surfer guy who pulled a knife on Mr. Hand this morning?

Oh, no! He just called him a dick.

A dick?

Oh, God. People exaggerate so much here.

Linda, that girl looks just like Pat Benatar.

I know. Wait.

There are three girls at Ridgemont who have cultivated the Pat Benatar look.

Chanel Semlar, Mary Ann Zlotnick in the red tights.

Do you think guys find that more attractive?

Stacy, please, give me a break! You are so much prettier!

Yeah, I know, but do you think they'd be better in bed?

What do you mean? You either do it or you don't.

No. There are like variables that I might not be good at.

Like what variables?

Like, you know, giving blow jobs.

What's the big deal?

I never did it.

You've never given a blow job?

Never? Stace, there's nothing to it. It's so easy.

Check it out.

Relax your throat muscles.

Don't bite. And slide it in.

LINDA: Try it again.

Good. Push it slowly in and out.

You got it. Okay.

Can I ask you something and you promise not to laugh?

Sure. Okay.

When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?

A quart or so.

No, I'm just kidding.

Just practice.

GIRL: I'm not going to a morgue.

I'll get my mom to write a note.

Nobody's getting me into a room with a bunch of dead guys.

You have to go.

It's part of the final.

I hear it's really disgusting.

Do you know what they do? Have you heard?

What?

The bodies are dissected and Mr. Vargas pulls out parts of the dead body and holds them up.

You mean, he reaches in and pulls this stuff out?

Like stomach and tumors or something?

Yeah, stomach, tumors, entrails.

Good day, everyone.

My name is Mr. Vargas.

Look. I'm a little slow today.

I just switched to Sanka, so have a heart.

MR. VARGAS: All right, now.

The World of Life.

That is the name of the textbook we will be using.

I'm in love.

See the mustache coming in, Rat?

You can almost cross it out.

I'm in love.

You are a wuss.

Part wimp and part pussy.

What do you mean wuss? This girl is my exact type.

All right.

Where'd you see her?

In my biology class.

Did you get her number?

No.

Did you get her name?

No! No! It's too soon.

It's never too soon, Rat.

A girl decides how far she's gonna let you go in the first five minutes.

What am I supposed to do?

Go up to this strange girl in my biology class and say, "Hello. I'd like you to take your clothes off and jump on me?"

I would.

I can see it all now. This is gonna be just like the last summer.

You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat.

You bought $40 worth of fucking film, and you never even talked to her.

You don't even own a camera.

You tell me, Mike. What should I do?

This is what you do.

Start from the minute you walk into biology class.

I mean, don't just walk in. Move across the room.

And you don't talk to her.

You use your face. You use your body.

Use everything. That's what I do.

I mean, I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond.

I mean, something happens.

Naturally something happens.

You put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.

That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.

The attitude? Yeah.

The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays or prays.

Whatever happens, your toes are still tapping.

Now, when you got that, then you have the attitude.

Good night, Stacy.

Good night, Mom.


Just look at that girl With lights coming up in her eyes

She's got to be somebody's baby She must be somebody's baby You look beautiful.

Thanks. So do you.

Where do you feel like going?

I don't know.

How about The Point?

Okay.

All right. The Point it is.

She's got to be somebody's baby She's so fine She's probably somebody's only light Gonna shine tonight Yeah She's gonna be somebody's baby tonight

She's gonna be somebody's only light Gonna shine tonight Yeah She's gonna be somebody's baby tonight

That's a really nice jacket.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

It's warm.

Yeah, it is. It's really warm.

I wonder how long it will last.

So...

Am I gonna get to first base?

Are you really 19?

Yeah, yeah I am. I'm really 19.

She's gonna be somebody's baby tonight I try to shut my eyes But I can't get her out of my sight

I know I'm gonna know it But I gotta get over my fright

I'm just gonna walk up to her I'm gonna talk to her tonight

Gonna shine tonight Make her mine tonight Yeah Gonna shine tonight Make her mine tonight

So tell me, do you like Ron?

I like Ron, but it hurt so bad.

Don't worry. Keep doing it.

It gets a lot better. I swear.

It better.

Raised on the radio Just an all-American boy I got my favorite toy I was Raised on the radio Yeah, I was raised on the radio Remembering when times were bad Love is all we need And love was all we had Mom says to clean the pool.

Why can't you do it?

Your friends use the pool. Your friends messed it up.

Your friends use the pool, too.

I take out the garbage.

Brad!

Brad, have Mom and Dad seen these?

They're not home yet.

Brad? What?

What would you say if I asked you to put these in the trunk of the Cruising Vessel and get rid of them?

I'd say, "Who the hell is Ron Johnson?"

Please.

Thank you very much.

Lisa's great.

Yeah.

I don't understand why you want to break up with a girl like that.

Me and Lisa have been going together for two years.

I love her and all.

I mean, she's great in bed.

It's just that I'm a single, successful guy.

And this is my last year in school.

This could be the best year of my life!

I just feel like I need my freedom now, you know?

Okay, here's your preparation stuff.

You got your sliced tomatoes, shredded lettuce, secret sauce.

What's the secret sauce?

Thousand Island dressing.

What's the secret sauce of Bronco Burger?

Ketchup and mayonnaise.

Gotcha.

LISA: Order for you, Bradley.

Were those flowers really for me?

Of course.

How much did they cost?

Don't worry about it.

Want to go to The Point tonight?

What's there to do at The Point?

What do you mean? We've been going out together for two years.

I don't want to have to use sex as a tool, Brad.

Tool? Tool for what? We've been going together for two years!

I don't want to talk about it here.

I wanna talk about it!

Brad?

Lisa!

Brad!

You gotta flip them or they'll burn. Great.

C.

D.

F.

F. F.

Three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment.

What are you people, on dope?

A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt.

It was passed in 1906.

This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our...

MR. HAND: Where is Jeff Spicoli?

I saw him earlier today near the first floor bathrooms.

Is he still on campus? Anyone? Yes, Desmond?

I saw him by the food machines.

How long ago?

Right before class.

Okay. Bring him in.

What is this fascination with truancy?

What is it that gets inside your heads?

There are some teachers in this school who look the other way at truants.

It's a little game that you both play.

They pretend they don't see you. You pretend you don't ditch.

Now, who pays the price later? You!

Wait a minute. There's no birthday party for me here!

Hola, Mr. Hand.

What's the reason for your truancy?

Just couldn't make it on time.

You mean, you couldn't or you wouldn't?

It was like a full crowd scene at the food lines.

Food will be eaten on your time.

Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli?

Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?

I don't know.


I like that.

"I don't know."

That's nice!

"Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?"

"Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know!"

That's nice. I really like that. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going to leave your words on this board for all my classes to enjoy.

Giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli!

All right.

Sleigh bells ring are you listening ln the lane Mommy!

Snow is glistening Oh, no!

A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland How fucking long do I have to wait?

Christmas sucks. I hate it.

You gotta get used to working holidays. People are always screaming.

I have to quit this job.

I'm gonna get so fat no one's gonna want to take me out.

Ron hasn't called, huh?

Not since November.

What does it matter?

He's a stereo salesman.

What'd you wanna do, marry him? Have kids with him?

Have this guy come home 50 years old and bald?

And have that little Pacific Stereo sign on? Come on, Stace.

Hey, it's his loss.

Got any Blue Oyster Cult?

No, I don't have any Blue Oyster Cult.

I ate 34 pairs last time.

Where were you?

I was that close to working at 7-11, you know?

Whoa, bud!

What?

All right! Play me?

Totally.

You got quarters?

When are those Earth, Wind and Fire tickets coming in?

Earth, Wind and Fire? Geez, I haven't heard anything.

The minute I do, I'll let you know.

I'm planning on taking my little brother over here.

Is that your little brother? He's a good-looking kid.

Great. Charles Jefferson for Earth, Wind and Fire and little brother.

I'll let you know when they come around, okay?

Wow! Does he really live here?

I thought he just flew in for games.

Shit! He knows where to come when he wants some tickets.

Go on. Get out of here. You're messing up my business.

Come on, Rat. Let's go get you a woman.

You ready for your moment of truth?

Damone, I noticed I was starting to get a pimple this morning...

Rat, the shyness routine is really starting to aggravate me.

I mean, who is she, anyway?

She's a waitress in a pizza parlor.

Look at her.

Look at you.

A member of the honor roll.

Assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater.

Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right? Right.

All right. How do you feel?

I feel good.

Do you? All right. Now stop fucking around and go get her.

Hey, Rat, you gotta ace that jacket.

Yeah?

Yeah. All right, that's cool.

You look good. All right? Go get her.

$1 . 10, and you get five cents back.

Thanks.

Hi. Don't I know you from biology class?

Yeah.

What can I do for you?

I had a couple of questions. I was curious.

What do you do with the jackets people leave here?

We keep them.

You keep them?

In case they come back. You can look through it if you want.

No, that's cool. It would take too long to look through all that.

I'll pick up a new one.

What was your other question?

Oh, my other question is

can I have your phone number so I can ask you out sometime?

Do you have a pen? This one's out of ink.

Yeah.

Stacy.

Nice to meet you, Stacy.

My name is Mark Ratner.

I've gotta go.

Lisa, I have something to tell you.

Look, I'm a senior now.

I'm a single, successful guy.

And I've got to be fair to myself.

Lisa, I think I need my freedom.

Oh, don't do that.

Please, please don't do that.

ARNOLD: Brad!

Can you cover me on register two?

Okay.

May I help you? Yes.

This is not the best breakfast I ever ate and...

I'd like my money back.

Okay.

I believe you have to fill out a form.

No. I'd like my money back now.

I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way. I have to fill out a form.

Well, you ate most of it already so...

See that sign?

It says "100% guaranteed."

You know what the meaning of guarantee is?

Did they teach you that here?

Sir, if you'd just wait a minute.

Look. Just put your little hand in the cash register and give me my $2.75 back, please, Brad.

Sir, if you'd just give me a minute. I'll find the forms.

I'll take care of everything.

MAN: I don't have a minute. You've made me late enough.

I am so tired of dealing with incompetence.

It says 100% guaranteed, you moron!

Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass.

Is there a problem here?

Can I help you, sir?

You bet you have a problem.

Your employee used profanity and threatened me with violence.

I'm surprised. I eat here all the time and usually have good service.

All I wanted was my money back on this breakfast.

It was a little under-cooked.

And he threatens me with violence. I'm gonna call your...

I can take care of it.

Mr. Hamilton, did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?

He insulted me first. He called me a moron, Dennis.

Answer me! Did you threaten this customer or use profanity?

Yes.

You're fired.

DENNIS: I'm very sorry, sir. I'll refund your money right now.

I hope you won't hold this against us.

You know how these young kids are these days.

DENNIS: Here we are. Perhaps another breakfast?

I hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold!

NAHAN: The world's finest surfers showed up today to do battle with what's turned out to be the biggest waves to hit this coast since 1946.

Hello. I'm Stu Nahan, and I'd like you to meet this young man.

His name, Jeff Spicoli. Jeff, congratulations.

Things looked rough out there today.

I'll tell you, Stu, I did battle with some humongous waves.

Just like I told the guy on ABC, "Danger is my business."

A lot of people expected Mark "Cutback" Davis, or Bob "Jungle Vet" Gerard would take the honors this year.

Those guys are fags!

That's fantastic. Let me ask you.

When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life?

Stu, surfing's not a sport.

It's a way of life.

It's no hobby.

It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey, bud, let's party!"

Where'd you get this jacket?

From the network. Let me ask you, what's next for Jeff Spicoli?

Headed over to the Australian and then the Hawaiian Internationals.

Then me and Mick are gonna wing on over to London and jam with the Stones.

You guys are invited, too.

CURTIS: Jeff! Jeff!

Jeff, Dad says you have to get up.

Leave me alone. Dad says you're gonna be late again, you butthole!

Leave me alone!

Dad says you're gonna be late again, you booger!

Dad, Jeff threw his snorkel at me!

We just want to say that we're not Spirit Bunnies anymore.

We always hated that name. It bugged the heck out of Dina and me.

It's just such a put-down!

Really!

We know you've got a lot of spirit, everybody, right?

And we're gonna destroy Lincoln next week! All right!

You know, it takes a lot of courage to get up here and do something that you know people will make fun of.

GIRL: Yeah. Man...

I'm never gonna talk to those guys again.

I'm the one who got Arnold and Dave their jobs there in the first place.

If you'd apologize to Dennis, I'm sure he'd take you back.

Fuck Dennis Taylor! I'm not gonna apologize to that wimp.

I'm just glad we're still together because a lot's happened, and I really need you this year.

Look, Brad, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you this.

We're almost out of school.

It's our last year.

And I think we owe it to ourselves to be free.

To go out with other people.

I still want to be friends.

What do I say to her once we get in the car?

No problem, Rat. What you need is my special five-point plan.

Come on, Damone, I need real help.

What do you mean?

Men have died trying to obtain this valuable information.

But I'll give it to you for free.

What's your five-point plan?

All right.

Now, pay attention.

First of all, you never let on how much you like a girl.

Oh, Debbie. Hi.

Two. You always call the shots.

Kiss me, you won't regret it.

Three. Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be.

Isn't this great?

Four.

When ordering food, you find out what she wants then order for the both of you.

It's a classy move.

The lady will have the linguine in a white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice.

And five.

Now, this is most important, Rat.

When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

This is a nice car.

Yeah. It's my sister's.

Yeah?

Do you have Mrs. George for English?

Yeah. She's pretty good.

Yeah, she is pretty good.

Have you decided?

Um, yeah.

I'll have the knockwurst.

Excellent.

You work at Cinema Four, right?

That must be great. You get to see all those free movies.

You get free popcorn.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Would you mind if I excuse myself for a moment?

Oh, no, go ahead.

Are you ready to order here?

She will have the knockwurst.

And you?

I'll have the same.

Anything to drink?

Coke.

Two Cokes.

Okay. Thank you.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hello? Mike, it's Mark.

What happened to your date?

MARK: It's happening right now.

Everything's fine except I left my wallet at home.

Why don't you go home and get it?

No, I can't! I'm here. The food's coming and everything.

Look, would you do me a favor? Just borrow your mom's car.

Drive to my house, get my wallet and bring it here.

Hello? Mike?

Mike?

Geez, I'm really kind of busy, Rat.

Just do me this one favor.

I swear I won't ask you for anything again in this lifetime or any other.

But just please do this for me.

You owe me for this one.

Okay, thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Beaver, are you all right?

What happened?

Are you sure there's nothing else I can bring you?

Do you want another Coke?

Um, okay.

Two more Cokes.

Hey, Mark, is that you?

Yeah, hi.

You come here?

Yeah. I come for the strudel. It's great.

Hey, listen, I found your wallet the other day.

You want it back? Oh, wow! Yeah.

I was looking for this.

Oh, Mike, you don't know Stacy Hamilton.

Stacy, this is Mike Damone.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

See you later.

Right. Gotta be going.

See you later.

You wanna go? Yeah.

I had a really nice time tonight.

Me, too.

I'm real sorry someone broke in and stole your tape deck.

I never thought it would've happened at such a fancy place.

I know. You want to come in for a sec?

Okay, sure. Good.

Where's your brother?

He's out tonight with some friends.

Can I get you something to drink?

No, that's okay.

Oh. Well, would you mind if I change?

No.

Okay. Could you get this for me? It always sticks.

Thanks.

Where are your parents?

My parents are out of town for the weekend.

Brad and I are watching the house.

RATNER: This is a really nice picture of you.

STACY: Thanks.

You can come in my room if you want.

So, what do you want to do?

I don't know.

Um...

You want to look at a photo album?

I keep a lot of pictures from when I grew up and stuff.

It's kind of stupid, huh?

Sure. Yeah.

Yeah? Great.

Photographs.

This is the one that Brad took.

It's like double-image type thing, you know. It's like a mirror.

This is me being stupid.

And this is my dog Gypsy, and my cat Tullio.

They're dead now.

Remember him? Mr. Degan?

You had Degan?

He always wore the same suit! The same suit!

He must've had 500 of those suits.

He was terrible!

No, I think it was one.

So you go out there and you get one, too Love rules

Yeah, love rules

You know, I just thought of something.

What?

My sister is crazy when it comes to her car.

It's gotta be back by 11:00. Want to call her?

No. Look, I... She gets crazy.

Her car is her baby. I better be going.

Really? I'll call you.

Well, I'll see you in class. Okay?

Bye.

Love rules


Mark Ratner doesn't like me.

Mark Ratner doesn't like you? You're crazy!

No, he shows absolutely no interest in me.

Mark Ratner is definitely somebody you'd have to make the first move with.

Linda, I did. I made the first move, I made the second move.

I made a complete jerk out of myself, is what I did.

What do you care about Mark Ratner for?

He's a 16-year-old usher in the movie theater.

You have dated older guys. You work at the best food stand in the mall.

And you are a close personal friend of mine.

Yeah. But I was really beginning to like him.

Yeah? If that's true, you better find somebody else fast.

Seen the new Playboy?

Good?

Bo Derek's tits.

All right.

I like sex.

People on ludes should not drive.

Hey, this is my brother's car.

You said he was out of town.

And he is.

All right. Then don't hassle it.

You're crazy, Spicoli! That light was red!

It was yellow a minute ago. I'm sure.

Hey, you're gonna scratch my brother's car.

No, I'm not.

Look, I'm driving. You navigate.

Where is this party?

Make a right, right here. Here! Here! Here!

My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us!

He's gonna kill you. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill us!

Hey, man, just be glad I had fast reflexes.

My brother's gonna shit!

Make up your mind, dude.

Is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?

First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!

Relax, all right?

My old man is a television repairman.

He's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it!

You can't fix this car, Spicoli!

I can fix it.

Ha.

Hey!

I'm giving you $50. No, no, no!

That means if you win, I give you $25.

If I win, you give me $5.

You can't lose. All right.

I'll put you down for $5.

Now, don't forget about the 14-point spread.

Fourteen-point...

BOY 1: I don't believe those guys at Lincoln did this to Jefferson's car!

BOY 2: They totaled it. I can't believe it.

Jefferson's gonna really make Lincoln pay for this.

That guy's gonna totally destroy them.

Annihilate. You know what I mean?

Shit, he is pissed off.

They may well mean what they say about you You might wander back to future friends You may want someone just to talk to

Come too close and take you by the hand

'Cause now you see there's more to life than what we lovers do Oh, shit! Hut. Hut.

MAN: Brought down again by 33, Charles Jefferson.

Hit by Jefferson. Crunched by Jefferson.

Man! Jefferson. Jefferson. Jefferson. Jefferson.

Jefferson.

Stretcher!

Again by Jefferson.

CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one!

There's nothing to eat here. What do you mean?

Take a look. There's nothing I can eat.

Get a trout dog.

Forget it. Do you have any fish here that isn't breaded?

It's all prepared the same way.

Get a whaler.

Or a clamwich.

Ever hear the word blemish? Want me to eat something deep fried?

Let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Thank you. Come again, and have a nice day.

I sent a letter to Doug today.

Can't wait until he gets out here.

What's Doug doing in Chicago?

He works for the airline. You'll meet him.

Oh, Linda, you have to do this.

What?

"Rate Your Mate."

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Let me test Doug. Okay.

"Most satisfactory love making occurs, "A, when your mate climaxes first.

"B, when you climax first. C, you and your mate climax together?"

Climax together.

This is gonna be great, Rat.

It's like the highlight of their day.

Maybe we ought to call first.

I don't know about dropping in like this.

Are you kidding? We're gonna surprise them.

Just fix your collar, all right?

Relax. Just be cool.

Attitude, remember?

Where'd you get that, out of the hamper?

Hey, this is clean.

Look, friend, it's like riding a bike.

You fall off, you get right back on.

You mess up a date, do it again!

Do you always climax with Doug? Yes.

I think so. He's no high school boy.

DAMONE: Hey!

Came over to help you with your math homework.

You could use it on such a hot day.

Don't worry. They're gonna let us in.

Okay.

Promise you're going to leave as soon as my mother gets home.

Okay.

Linda, this is Mike and Mark.

Hi, how you doing? Good.

The water looks great.

Check it out. Yeah.

Looks fine. Wait.

Very funny! Very funny!

STACY: Lin, come in!

DAMONE: I'll judge your dive.

I used to be a champion, you know.

Does Mom know you have company?

It's just Mark and Mike from school.

Hi. DAMONE: How you doing?

Hi, Linda. Hi, Brad.

Could you keep it down? I have work to do inside.

STACY: Okay.

DAMONE: Who's his tailor?

God, he hardly talks anymore.

Yeah, I know. He hates wearing a uniform.

DAMONE: Rat, show them how you can stand up underwater.

DAMONE: Come on.

RATNER: What are you doing? DAMONE: Watch out, Rat!

RATNER: Leave me alone!

All right, Damone, you're gonna get it.

Hi, Brad.

You know how cute I always thought you were.


Stacy, do you have Q-tips? I've got water in my ears.

I don't know. Check in the house.

Wait. Just a minute.

Doesn't anybody fucking knock anymore?

In 1898, Spain owned Cuba outright.

Think about it.

Cuba owned by a disorganized parliament 4,000 miles away.

Cubans were in a constant...

Cubans were in a constant state of revolt.

In 1904, the United States decided to throw a little weight around...

Who is it?

Mr. Pizza Guy.

Again?

Mr. Pizza Guy, sir.

Who ordered the double cheese and sausage?

Right here, dude.

For you, dude.

Am I hallucinating? What in the hell do you think you're doing?

Learning about Cuba and having some food.

Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground.

You're causing a major disturbance on my time.

I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand.

If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it "our" time?

There's nothing wrong with a feast on "our" time.

You're absolutely right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time.

Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room.

But it is my class.

Hamilton, Brandt, Cornfeld, up front!

Mr. Spicoli, has been kind enough to bring us a snack.

Be my guest.

Help yourselves.

Get a good one.

Mike? Mike? Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

Good. How are you?

I hate walking. I have to walk every day. It's such a drag.

Why don't you get a ride with somebody?

Sometimes I ride with my brother, but he works mornings.

Then he drives himself to school.

What a guy.

Listen, Mark Ratner really likes you.

Do you like him?

Mark is really nice.

But I think I like you.

Well, this is me.

Do you have any iced tea?

Yeah, sure.

Come on in.

The annuals are coming out pretty soon.

You gonna get one?

I don't know.

Oh, come on.

Aren't you curious to see how your picture turned out?

I know what I look like.

I know.

But it's nice to have pictures of your friends and stuff.

I don't know. Maybe. It's no big deal.

I probably will.

Must be nice having a pool.

You want to go swimming?

Yeah, sure.

I'm going to go change, okay? Yeah.

Okay, great.

This is great iced tea.

Come on. Huh?

Brad keeps his stuff in the change room.

This is nice. Yeah?

Yeah.

These'll fit you.

You're really a good kisser.

Yeah?

So are you.

You want to take off your clothes, Mike?

You first.

Both of us at the same time.

Okay.

She's gonna be somebody's only light Gonna shine tonight Yeah She's gonna be somebody's baby tonight I try to shut my eyes but I can't get her out of my sight

I know I'm gonna know it but I gotta get over my fright

Wait. I'm just gonna walk up to her I'm gonna talk to her tonight Mike! Mike!

Are you okay?

I think I came. Didn't you feel it?

Yeah. I guess I did.

I gotta go, Stacy.

I've really gotta go.

See ya.

Bye.

Linda, how long does Doug take?

Doug takes forever.

Come on.

He takes 20 to 30 minutes.

I thought you said he took 30 to 40 minutes.

That's right. I'm sorry. I meant 30 to 40 minutes.

Why? How long did Damone take?

Damone took 15 to 20 minutes.

That's not bad for a high school boy.

Raised on the radio Yeah, I was raised on the radio Just like an all-American boy Mike! Hi! Hi.

God, I haven't seen you for a while. Yeah.

Kind of in a hurry. Got stuff I gotta do.

I'm in a hurry, too.

I just thought I'd say hi to you.

Hi.

Hamilton, I'll take over the fryer for a while.

Those boys at IBM ordered a stack of those Catch-of-the-Day boxes.

I told them you would personally deliver them within the hour.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hamilton, come over here.

What are you doing?

I'm changing.

You took off your Captain Hook uniform.

I thought I'd put my street clothes on for the drive to IBM.

The uniform's uncomfortable.

You're going there as a representative of Captain Hook Fish and Chips.

Part of our image, part of our appeal is that uniform.

You know that.

You want me to put the stuff back on?

Yes, I do. Show a little pride.

Aye, aye, sir.

Talk on the phone Call up the coast Call it collect Dial direct Reverse the charges If they accept they're home Or you can go overseas Speak Japanese Buy a new Sony They make great TVs Do the Watusi Watch I Love Lucy, too

But don't let nobody Tell you that there's nothing to do Well, well, well, well Don't let nobody Tell you that there's nothing to do

Dina, can you honestly tell me that you forgot?

Forgot the magnetism of Robin Zander or the charisma of Rick Nielsen?

That's kid stuff. Kid stuff?

How about the tunes? I want you to want me.

The dream police Your mama's all right Your daddy's all right They just seem a little bit weird Mike? Mike?

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Stacy, I'm doing business. Call me tonight, all right?

No. I've gotta talk to you now. Okay?

Don't go away.

Look at them.

I hope this is important because I could be blowing a big deal.

Mike, I just...

I just want you to know that I'm pregnant.

How do you know it's mine? We only did it once.

I haven't been with anybody else. I know it's yours.

Jesus! It was your idea.

You wanted to do it. You wanted it more than I did!

No. Take that back.

All right. I take it back.

Look, we gotta do something about it. I mean...

We gotta get an abortion.

My brother Art got his girlfriend one once.

It's simple. It's no big deal.

Yeah. I got that planned.

It's going to cost $150 at the Free Clinic.

Doesn't sound free to me.

I suppose you want me to pay for it.

Half, okay? And a ride to the clinic.

$75 and a ride.

Okay.

Okay. Thanks.

Thank you.

God.

DAMONE: Rick, I need that $50 you owe me.

RICK: Don't have it.

I know times are tight, but I really need it.

Don't have it now.

When you needed the tickets, I got them for you.

So close to stage you probably scared the band.

I'm not the Bank of America.

I know you're not the Bank of America, but I need my $50.

How about Thursday?

Thursday's too late. I need it tonight.

Can't give you what I don't have.

Just forget about it. I'll get it from you Thursday, okay?

All right. See you.

Flowers And the vine Take me Sleeping angel Catch me when you can Real love affairs Are heavy spells for a woman And a man Is Mike there? This is Stacy.

WOMAN: Hold on, please.

Stacy, he says he's helping his father in the garage.

He'll call you later.

Brad!

Wait a second.

Yeah, this is it. We're just going bowling.

Okay. Thanks a lot.

See you later. Okay.

How we doing in here? Debbie, you ready to leave?

Yes. Thank you.

Stacy, I can't let you go unless you have a ride home.

Oh. I told my boyfriend to meet me downstairs.

Okay.

Thanks.

Brad.

Since when do you go bowling anyway?

Okay, Brad. Please don't tell Mom and Dad.

Come on! Who did it?

You're not gonna tell me, are you? No.

Okay. It'll just be your secret.

Okay.

You all right?

Yeah.

Come on.

You hungry?

Yeah.

I told you to tell Mike to pay for it. Why didn't you tell him?

Linda, he didn't show up.

That little prick!

I called his house.

His mother told me he was in the garage helping his father.

Mike Damone's a no-brain little prick, Stacy.

I'm not gonna let him get away with this.

Linda, please don't do anything.

I don't even like the guy.

Stacy, he's not a guy.

He's a little prick!

I can't explain the way I feel Each time I get behind the wheel A rush of blood comes after power surges And my right foot urge is about to burst Hi, Mikey!

Hi, Damone.

Damone, what went on between you and Stacy?

Let me tell you something. Sometimes girls go haywire.

It happened a month ago.

I've been trying to think of a way to tell you since.

We were out messing around, and something happened.

It's over. It's no big deal.

I never even called her again.

If you ask me, she's a very aggressive girl.

Do you understand?

No, I don't understand.

She never really was your girlfriend, Rat.

Fuck you, Damone!

There are a lot of girls out there, and you have to mess around with Stacy?

What do you gotta prove, anyway?

I'm sorry.

I always stick up for you.

Whenever people say, "That Damone, he's a loudmouth," and they say that a lot, I always say, "Hey, you just don't know Damone."

When they call you an idiot, I say, "Damone's not an idiot. You just don't know him."

You know, maybe they do know you pretty good.

Maybe I'm just finding out now.

Get lost.

You want to do something about it, Rat?

You want to do something about it? Come on.

Come on, you wuss! Okay. Let's go, man.

I'll break your fucking head off.

Do something, man!

A big talker, man!

Knock this crap off!

Take it somewhere else.

Not in my gym, buddy.

Shit.

Woke up in a great mood. I don't know what the hell happened.

Come on. Hurry up.

Hurry up.

Today we're going to explore how this hospital preserves human life.

We'll be visiting every floor, every level where these fine doctors and nurses take care of us in life and in death.

Over 30 children are delivered here each day.

WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Kramer to the nurses' station.

Good morning, Doctor.

Hi.

Class, this is Dr. Miller.

He'll be joining us for the last part of our tour today.

Hi. If you guys will follow me, please.

I'd like to ask you one last time.

Conduct yourselves with the utmost maturity.

You in my class?

I am today.

MR. VARGAS: Yes, Greg?

Who are these guys?

Most of them are derelicts.

They sold their bodies to medicine for money.

About $30, I think?

Twenty-five.

Righteous bucks!

This gentleman is named Arthur.

MR. VARGAS: Arthur was good enough to die last week of heart failure.

We are fortunate enough today to view his body in its pristine state.

Here an incision has been made.

The ribs have been sawed off, allowing us to remove the breastplate and really observe the human organs as they exist in their natural state.

Here we have the human lungs.

And here is the human heart which, you can see, is actually located in the center of your chest.

Oh! Gnarly!

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

I just made a jerk out of myself.

No, you didn't.

Can't go back in there.

Sure. We'll wait until they come out, and then we'll blend in.

Here they come.

You're so nice.


I don't know I don't know which way I should go I don't know

I don't know, I don't know if I'm high or I'm low I don't know I don't know, I don't know if I'm high or I'm low I don't know


You should be coming on pretty soon, dude. How much did you smoke?

This'll be a little demonstration of that.

Listen up.

What was that?

That was my skull.

I'm so wasted!

Oh, man! What is this stuff?

Doesn't that stuff cause brain damage?

Only if you take it every day for a month.

Bitching!

Dude, I'll pick you up in the van and go to the dance.

Later.

Jeff, you have company.

Get out of here, Curtis. I don't hear you unless you knock.

That's better. Entrez.

Mr. Hand!

Well, were you going somewhere tonight, Jeff?

Yeah. The graduation dance.

It's the last school fiesta of the year.

I'm afraid we've got some business to discuss here.

Did I do something wrong, Mr. Hand?

According to my calculations, Mr. Spicoli, you wasted a total of eight hours of my time this year.

And rest assured, that is a kind estimate.

Now I have the unique pleasure of squaring our account.

Tonight you and I are going to talk in great detail about the Davis Agreement, all the associated treaties, and the American Revolution in particular.

If you can turn to page 47 of Land of Truth and Liberty.

Oh, I left that book in my locker, Mr. Hand.

In that case, I'm glad I remembered to bring an extra copy just for you.


He was a hardheaded man He was brutally handsome And she was terminally pretty She held him up and he held her for ransom ln the heart of the cold, cold city

DAMONE: Look, Mark.

I want to apologize for everything that's happened.

I'm really sorry.

A guy just doesn't do that to a buddy.

I understand. You can't help it.

You're just lewd, crude and obnoxious.

I can deal with that.

Excuse me.

Listen, are we still friends?

Huh? Okay.

All right.

SPICOLI: What Jefferson was saying was, "Hey!

"We left this England place 'cause it was bogus.

"So if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, "we'll just be bogus, too."

Very close, Jeff.

I think I've made my point with you tonight.

Mr. Hand, do you have a guy like me in class every year?

You know, a guy who you make an example of?

You'll find out next year.

No way!

As soon as I cruise history, I'm not coming near your side of the building.

Cruise history?

Soon as I pass your class.

If you pass.

You're gonna flunk me?

Don't worry, Spicoli. You'll probably squeak by.

Yeah! Aloha, Mr. Hand.

Aloha, Spicoli.

Honey, these are my two star students.

Boys, I'd like you to meet my wife, Mrs. Vargas.

Hi.

SPICOLI: Summer! Yeah!

Totally!

LINDA: I wrote him a letter.

Tell me what you think. "Dear Doug.

"I received your message that you weren't coming to my graduation.

"Doug, this is not the kind of thing that occurs between adults.

"Maybe you've found someone new, someone more mature.

"But if you ask me, Doug, you're the one being childish.

"Anyhow, if you think I'm gonna sit around and wait for you, forget it.

"Sincerely, Linda."

What do you think? Uh...

I have another version where I call him an asshole.

No, that one's better. It's more...

Mature? Yeah.

I don't have to sink to his level. Yeah.

I can go out with anyone I want, practically.

That's right.

Yeah. Thanks for cheering me up.

Come on.

Hey, dude!

I know that song.

Hey, I'm not. I'm not!

Mattie told Hattie About the things you do Hey, come on down from there.

To wooly bully you Wooly bully Wooly bully Wooly bully Wooly bully Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully Wooly bully, wooly bully Wooly bully

STACY: Linda, I finally figured it out.

I don't want sex. Anyone can have sex.

What do you want?

I want a relationship.

I want romance.

You want romance?

In Ridgemont? We can't even get cable TV here, and you want romance.

Another summer at Perry's. I can't. I swear.

It's not that bad. Keep your eyes open.

There's lots of men around here.

As we strolled by the sea Together Under stars twinkling high above So in love are we two No one else but me and you So in love Two so in love So much in love Two so in love So in love Two so in love Are you and I Two, you and I So in love Hi. Hi.

How you doing? Fine.

I'm glad you came over

'cause I have this picture of me that I wanted to give to you so that you'll remember to call me over the summer.

I don't know. I'm going to be traveling a lot this summer and I'm not sure...

I'll give you a call sometime.

That'd be great. LINDA: Stacy!


You worked at All American Burger.

Seven months ago.

I knew it.

Why don't you get a job, Spicoli?

What for?

You need money.

All I need are some tasty waves, cool buzz and I'm fine.

Thanks. Can I use your bathroom?

Yeah, go ahead.

It's the first door on the left.

Like up this ramp?

First door on the left.

Money, and I want it now. Now!

Okay. Okay. Now!

What are you doing?

The safe! Behind the donuts!

I've been watching this place. I know what I'm doing.

Open it up. Open it up! Okay.

Come on! Come on!

I just started here. They just taught me the procedure and I...

Let me figure it out.

Come on, shit head! Let's go!

Get off my case, motherfucker.

Hey, no towels, man.

I got you, you son of a bitch.

Oh, motherfucker!

There goes your ride home.

Awesome! Totally awesome!

All right, Hamilton.

Oh, I know something About the ways of loving But I could tell you, baby That something's wrong Look to the sky above and the mud below Something's driving me crazy Got to got to get away Bye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye goodbye, goodbye, goodbye Without a doubt I'm telling you I'm burned out My tank is running on empty For far too long I need fuel

'Cause I'm getting so low Nothing can you give me Makes me feel So bad Bye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

I need fuel Not the kind you give me Makes me feel so bad Bye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye goodbye, goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye


Bye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye goodbye, goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye

I can't believe I'm still around Still around It's getting kind of late I'm gonna leave Gonna leave For a change of scenery I'm going crazy Going crazy It's not the same Since you've been around I'm crazy So crazy You treat me like a dirty clown You're always kicking my dog around I never get nothing but constant abuse from you You couldn't care less what I think or my point of view You're always putting the make on my friends, giving them eyes The dirty lies about me I'm through, it's the end of the line Here's a ticket one way Cincinnati I'm sending you home to your ma And your daddy, so don't try to call me you'll only be wasting your time

Oh, I know something About the ways of loving And I tell you baby That something's wrong Look to the sky above and the mud below Something drives me crazy Got to got to get away I need you but Not your time Look at me Bye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye goodbye, goodbye goodbye Goodbye, goodbye