Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008) Script

I'm built to last.

I'll die...

...when I damn well please.


Get me the fuck out of here.


What do you know about this?!

Oh, shit.

What do you know?

You see that?

You see this crispy stump?

Her arm was blown off.


You dickhead lesbo!

I ain't got no notion of what went down.

I swear to God.

Aah! No!

You're gonna spill your guts!

All right, goddamn it! I'll tell ya!




I didn't do shit!

Who did?

It was that goddamn bastard.

Who?! Bozo!


His Trans-Am's gone.

Son of a bitch.

Which way did the son of a bitch go?

The small town down there, on the other side of the bridge.

That's where he hangs out at with his gimpy brother.

He left me.

Those son of a bitches.

They left me.

They left me for dead.

You have a heart attack?

My heart.

daughter alive in a drainage pipe.

Now, some believe that Gus, affectionately known as "Short Bus" Gus, possesses a special psychic gift.

Take me downtown, thrust bunny!

Oh! Yes! Aah!

Hurry the fuck up in there!

We gotta pick up Grandma before the match.

I could just smell her courage.

What the fuck is that?!

Oh, my God! Run!

Fuckin' tricky Mexicans.

She's gone, man.

She's gone.

I'm Thunder.

This is Lightning.

I bring the rumble.

He brings the pain.

Not politically correct to kill a little person, let alone two.

I will.

How long you gonna hold out on me, huh?

You can't hide it forever.

But I can hold you forever, should it come to that.

Six days now in the clinker, huh?

Well, you probably want a shower, right?

Not today, bud.

No shower, no bread, no water.

Your odor reminds me of the paste my asshole makes on a hot day.

Can't keep me in here like this.

Who's gonna stop me?

I'm an anti-smack regime in full effect, son.

I'm a guillotine lookin' for a head.


Yes, sir?

Now, I know you're cookin' this crystal meth shit in your school bus somewhere.

Where is it?

Where'd you hide your bus this time?

Where's your goddamn lair, junkie?

I don't know nothin' about no school bus, Sheriff.

I'm just a vagabond.

Well, that's fine... until I find it, burn it, and piss on the ashes.

Don't give him anything the rest of the day.

All right, Sheriff.

I'm dyin' soon, and I'm dyin' horribly.

Who wants to get fingered?

I'm tellin' you, she's cheatin' on me. I know it.

Dale, it's screwing with my business.

Dale, I'm not even number-one salesman at my own two-employee-strong car lot now.

All right, Dale, listen.

He's someone in this fuckin' town. I know it.

No, I don't have any proof, Dale.

That's where you come, Dale.

Dale, you're talkin'.

Shut up, Dale. Okay, listen.

That's where you come in, okay?

I need some hard evidence, Dale.

I need some fuckin' proof. Yeah.

Some soiled panties or something, you know?

Some errant pubes, a fuckin' used condom.

I don't care. Get me some hard evidence.

Hang on a minute.

We're all set here.

Let's go.

Hey, you guys enjoy that station wagon, okay?

Hurry up.

Don't forget to come back when junior's ready to roll.

All right?

Hey, hey.

You folks remember, I fuckin' slash prices.

Remember that.

Hola, amigos.

¿No credito?

No problemo.

I know cars. I know engines.

American ingenuity, it's what I do.

Slash-slash, slash-slash, slickety-slash.

Like this beauty here...2,999.

Slash! 999.

No credit? No problem.

I'm so bad, you know it's good.

Suck a dick, everyone.

I slash prices.

It's ruining my business, Dale.

My fuckin' reputation's on the line here, Dale.

Get into it, Dale.

Let that son of a bitch know he's got it comin'.


Ooh! Sh...


Shit, there goes a lawsuit.

What the... Aah!

I fuckin' knew it!

So fuckin' dead!

You are fuckin' dead. You just fuckin' killed yourself.

You can threaten me all you want, but I'm empowered now... by the secret.

I wish for good things to happen... to me.

Thought becomes thing.

Motherfuckin' what?

And Greg is my rock.

Well, now, take it easy.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

I'm a ne'er-do-well, and I have a moustache.

This doesn't happen overnight.


Of all fuckin' people, Greg.


Ain't nobody home, husky.

Let's get the fuck away from here.

Where does he live?

Trans-Am ain't around.

That tells me you're shit out of luck, lady.

You're fucking shit out of luck!

The monsters didn't attack.

They're gone.

We can make a run for it.

We ain't goin' nowhere, woman.

What are you talkin' about?

That jail's the only safe place in town.

We're going.

Greg, the fuckin' jail is locked down, okay, and we can't fuckin' make it.

Look outside. Have you seen the amount of blood out there, nimrod?

Okay, that's what going for it gets you.

I wished for this.

This is it.

I wished for this, and here it is.

This is not the fuckin' help.

I visualized this, and they appeared.

This is proof.

Sweetie, help is the U.S. of fuckin' A. military, okay?

That's a gang.

They got a fuckin' hostage, for crying out...

Get down! The big guy is looking.

They're leaving.

We can't just let 'em leave.

Yes, we can.

They've got guns.

Duh, and they'll fuckin' point them at us.

No, this is a time for mankind to come together.

You're wrong!

Shut the...


Fuck you, Greg. You gonna tell me about wrong?

You wife-fucker!

Get out of my way.

Come on.

He's probably headed for the city.

I told you where he lived, where he hung out.

Now, look, you cut me loose. Please.

Get comfy.

Bullshit. Stupid. Stupid, stupid.

Motherfucker! Fuckin' stupid!

Grab him.

Oh, what the fuck?

Got him.

This shit's on you, Greg. Fuck that.

Greg, by the way, you're so fuckin' fired.

You know what?

I quit.

Ooh! Shit.

Is this him?

That ain't him.

Feel free to shoot him, though.

How about you, fatback?

You drive a brown Trans-Am?

No! No, no, no, no.

I know the guy who does, though.

I sold it to him myself.

That ain't him, either.

That's right. Could you please... Shit.

We hadn't even ought to be here.

You and your fuckin' revenge shit are gonna get us all done in.

Hey, hey.

Wait a minute.

Let me tell you somethin', mama.

I was a fuckin' marine in the second World War, okay?

And I got over the goddamn Krauts... Close the fuckin' door, please.

...and I got over the goddamn Japs, so you get that stick out of your ass, and get over this fucking vendetta bullshit of yours, and let's get out of here.

What do you say?

We hadn't even ought to be here.

You and your fucking revenge shit.

There anybody else in here?

No, not in here, so could you please close the door?

Get back! Get back!

Get back! Shut the fucking door!

Thank you for waking them up.

What have I been saying? Shut the fucking door.

Help! Help me! Please! Open the door!

Open the... Aah!

Hold the door! Hold the door!

Hold the door!

That wall's coming down.

What the fuck?

Wall's coming down. It's made out of pigeon shit.



Aah! You asshole bitch.

Where'd he go?

They ain't fuckin' here.

We're gonna be safe. I know it.

Other way, other way, other way.

This is it. This is where he lives.

Lady, you know what?

You're out of your fuckin' gourd.

Your Trans-Am ain't here, he ain't here.

You son of a bitch.

Why are you stalkin' the son of a bitch?

Lose a sister... ask me again.

Yeah? Yeah.

Hold it right there.

Now turn it around.

Turn it around.


Shit fire and save matches.

This is our hiding place.

You guys take your hide up the street to the jail.

That's not gonna happen.

You get out.

How's that revenge thing workin' out for ya?

We're not going anywhere.


Aah! Aah! Aah!

I'm coming out. I'm coming out. Please don't shoot.

Don't shoot. I don't have a gun.

Please. Oh, God. Don't shoot, don't shoot.

I swear to God I don't have a gun.

I don't know these people. I've never seen them before in my life.

I'm on my own.

People think I'm just a dumb blonde.

They have no idea who I really am.

She's fucking leaving.

It worked!

Oh, crap.

You fucking chicken shit.

No, I didn't mean to... Damn cunt.

No, please stop!

No! No! No!

No! No! No! No, he's gonna kill me!

You left us for dead.

You fraulein twat.

Get on your feet, goddamn it.

Get up here!

They were gonna kill me!

I said I'm sorry!

Right there. Right there.

I said I'm sorry!


Forgive and forget, huh, old man?

You worthless motherfuckers!

You think anyone gives a shit about any of you?!

You all deserve to fucking die.

You can go to hell.

Where'd you get that?

Where'd you get this?

Oh, fuck me.

And fuck you, too!

Fuck yourself.

Give it! Give it to me!

She deserved it.

It's rainin' bitches out here.

Fuck you.

Stop followin' me.


Wait for us.

Wait. Shit.

Get the fuck... Go back. Go away.


Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Shh, shh.

Slasher's Auto Barn.

Hello? Who is this?

We're in the metal shop. Just keep moving.

I can see you, motherfucker. Come on.

All right.

Keep comin'. Keep comin'.

Watch out for the crap.

The what?

The pile of shit, motherfucker!

Fuck! Fuck.

Yo, man, look out! What?

Look out!

My nose. Where you going, cocksucker?

Over there, in the fuckin' shop.



Shut the fuck up!

It's okay. Bitch.

It's dead. Now come on in.

Be quiet.

Fuck. Fuck me.

Fuck me.

All right, follow me. Come on.


This is our fort.

It's soundproof, so be quiet.

What the fuck is this? Fuckwads.


Come on. Come on, come on, man.

You all kill that monster?

Hell yeah.

And how'd you do that?

We got lucky.

Yeah, yeah, come on!

Come on! Bring it on, baby!

Bring it on!

Yeah! Come on!

Take that, bitch!

Thanks for letting us in.

Not a problem.

There's an army convoy goin' town to town, picking up survivors.

Way I see it, we got about 15 hours.

Saw it on TV last night before the power went to shit.


Sure, they're workin', except you're the only one that's ever answered, and that fuckwad across the street.

That jail is the only real safe place in town.

She's built solid. She's made of granite.

And that junkie bastard's got it all locked up.

Ain't no way we're gettin' in there.

It's been goin' on and off for hours.

It's over.

Beat that, puto.

Oh, stop!

No more.


Why you motherfuckers are so relaxed?

You up in here playin' cards and shit?

This town is just waitin' for a stiff wind to blow it over.

If we keep quiet we'll be all right.

How's that?

Monsters don't eat where they shit, and they don't hunt what they can't hear.

Till they run low on food.

Then look out, brother.

Who's the dickwad in the jail?

That's the town meth-head.

That turd you been lookin' for... the guy in the jail, that's his goddamn uncle.

Give me the cell phone.

Impenetrable fortress. How can I help you?

Listen, motherfucker... we're down the street, and we need to get in there.

Now, you're gonna unlock that door, 'cause we're comin'.

Lady, tell me if this sounds like I'm hangin' up.

Motherfucker dies.

He definitely dies.

We can get in that jail.

We just have to blow them doors.

With what?

This is a fucking metal shop, man.

Gotta be something around here.

Yeah, let's blow the doors off and create a breach.

That'd be real smart.

We're trying to use the building for safety, you know?

What can we do?

We have to think of something.

Honey, we've been trying to think of something for the last 24 hours.

You name it, we've thought of it.

What about makin' a key?

You're the only key-makin' wrestlers around here.

Make a fuckin' key.

Have you seen that?

It's 100 fuckin' yards away, something the size of your asshole.

How do you suppose I'm gonna be able to see it in order to make a key?

Looks like a Magnum 860...

...with a one-by-one rim cylinder.

Magnum eight-six-zero.

All right, boys, what can I do here?

All right, look.

The power comes back on, we're gonna go.

But you fuckin' watch our back! Got it.

Amigo, it's match time.

We got some lives to save, so you down for this?

Por Maria.

What the fuck are you doing?

Look, running and hiding won't last.

I mean, those little midgets might find us safety for a few days, but we need to be prepared if it doesn't work.

Oh, fuck.

You're not that guy, are you?

We need to know the enemy from the inside out.

We need to know what makes this thing tick.

I mean, what is it, right?

Where's it from?

We have to dissect it.

It's go time. Come on, let's go.

Come on, boys. Come on.

How does dissecting it make any sense?

Hey, don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure it does.

You ever seen these things fuck?

I mean, it's disgusting.

Oh, shit.

All our questions are answered.

What? What's been answered?

Oh, shit.

That's just the body releasing gasses.

Jesus, man.


Okay, give me some light here.

Bear with me, people.

We're on the verge of a discovery.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Oh, man, hey. Ooh, God.

Come here. Can you...

Hey, baby, here, here.

Take my jacket. Come here.

Let me just...

I can't take it!

Come here, take my hand. I just can't.

Come on, take my hand.

Give me your hand.

Listen to me.

You gotta be strong.

Be strong.


Quit touching the motherfucking organs, asshole!

This is science. Shut up.

Oh, fuck!


All right, all right. I'm done. I'm done.

Wait a second. Look at that.

Look. Look.

What the fuck is that?

Is that a...

Is that cyclops lookin' at me? Is that a...

No, I don't think...

I don't think that's a...

What the fuck was that?

Stop it.

I wish it to stop. I wish it to stop.


What the hell happened here?

We were gone for, like, two fuckin' minutes!

What the fuck happened to her?!

Son of a bitch right there. He did it.

Fuckin' son of a bitch!

Fuckin' pendejo.


Aw, fuckin' A!

We were supposed to be safe here.

Yeah, we were, till your queer fuckin' boyfriend fuckin' set off the monster alarm.


Come on.

Get a bag.

Slide it up.

Oh, shit. Come on.

Get to the fuckin' roof now!

Got you, motherfucker.


Wait, where's Greg?

What happened?

He didn't make it.

They got him.


Ooh, baby, baby, come on, now.

It's all right, baby.

It's all right, baby.

I'm still here for you.

I'm still here.

I'm still...



It's an honest mistake.

From now on, no one makes a fuckin' move until you tell me.

Get up. Come on.

You boys get that key made?


Lot of fuckin' good it does up on the roof.


Well, I guess it's back to being fucked.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

No! No!

No, no, no!


It's okay, Grandma.

You look all right.

Old man, you've seen this before, haven't you?

I gotta tell you little farts something.

It sure as shit ain't gonna end up well.

Ah, fuck!

Goddamn it.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, listen, listen, listen.

There's a...

There's a door on the jail roof.

We can get up there, we got plenty of time to pop the lock.

How the fuck are we gonna do that?

Shh. Shh.

What is that?

God, that sounds like a baby.

Oh, my God.

Someone's still alive.

A fuckin' baby.

My God.

Fuck is that coming from?

What are you doing?

I'm doin' the right thing.

Careful, bub, heroes don't do too well around these parts.

Under the circumstances, this might seem really, really dumb.

Ya think?

If it's dumb, I don't wanna be smart.

This is how you save a life, people.

What the... Oh, shit!

Ohhhh, shit!

Hey, little fella.

Everything's okay now.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Come on, now.

He's got the baby.

I wished for that.

Ask, believe, receive.

You can do it, honey! I got you.

He's gonna make it.



He's fucked.

Hold on, baby.

You can do it, honey!


Sorry, baby. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

You piece of shit.

Wow, that's bad.

Even for this group.

Fuck yeah, it is.

Whack-a-mole! Whack-a-mole!

Fuck you, bitch! Son of a... Fuck you!

Fuck you, motherfuck!

Fuck that! Fuck that!



We gotta get to that fucking jail, or we're all goddamn dead meat.

Yeah, you got any ideas?

Yeah, I got a fuckin' idea.

It's gonna require a sacrifice.




It's gonna work.

Has to.

Looks dangerous.

It's perfectly safe for midgets. Let's go.

That's little people, motherfucker.

What the fuck ever, all right? Come on.

This thing is gonna catapult one of these little guys all the way over there?

Yeah, that's right.

That's right, and then we'll be safe till the cavalry comes.

No, fuck that. I ain't doin' that.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

We just threw a woman off the ledge.

These bitches are standing here butt-naked

'cause we used they clothes to make this shit, not to mention I just watched a fuckin' baby get eaten alive, and you standin' here tellin' me that you not even willing to give this shit a try?

All right, but we testing this motherfucker, first.


Fine, grab the dead guy.

We'll use him.

Hey, hey, hey, I ain't fuckin' dead.

And don't touch the dick.

Fine, grab the old lady. She's practically dead, anyway.

Listen to me. You want to test it, right?


Listen, listen, listen.

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

This is one of those fuckin' moments, right here.

It's a tough choice, but it builds character, okay?

Que sera, que sera, I don't give a fuck. We're usin' her.

No, no, no.

This bitch is practically dead, anyway.

Look, I don't give a fuck what you gotta tell yourself to sleep better at night. We're usin' her!

This is happenin'.

It's a tough choice. It builds character. Let's go.

She ain't comin' back, son.

Look, I'm not doin' that.

Sorry, pops.

I can do it!

I will win this!

I will win!

Come on, it's easy.

I won!

No, really, I'm okay.


but make this fast.


Come on. Come on.

Man, if you seen what I just seen...

I know, I know, I know.

She's not coming back.


Whoa, whoa, whoa.


Oh, my back.

Come on.

Say it!

Do it! Do it!

I sure as shit seen everything now.

Come on, Grandma. Let's go.

All right, cinch that bag of grandma and bring it over here.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm just tryin' to make sure the weight is right.

Nah, we goin' have to lose a bit of Grandma.

Come on, man. Come on.

Come on, a little bit more.

Come on, pour some of Grandma out. Come on.


Fly with the angels, Grandma.


All right, let's give this thing a shot.

Hit it.


That is fuckin' American ingenuity right there.

That's what the fuck that is.

I know horsepower.

I know engines.

It's what the fuck I do, okay?

This is gonna be our fuckin' salvation.

Shit. That's fuckin' factory-deal incentive right there.




All right, which one of you fuckin' pygmies wanna be rocket man?

This is fuckin' bullshit!

You ready?



A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a hero dies just one.

Yeah, that doesn't help, baby-killer.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.


We're all depending on ya, you little fart-knocker.

You can make it!

All right, let's fuckin' do this!

All right, listen.

Once you land, you get in that door, you don't fuckin' stop, all right?

Once inside, you lay that motherfucker out, and I mean you lay him out quick.

We goin' be downstairs poundin' on the door in seconds.

You gonna be downstairs?

We're gonna be fuckin' downstairs.

You don't fuckin' stop! You fuckin' don't stop!

I won't, I won't.

All right.

Are you ready?!

I'm ready.


You fuckin' assholes.

Hey, should we turn this off?

Get the fuck out of here!

¡Abuelita! ¡Abuelita!


My fucking dick!

Ah, fuck, my dick!

Aah! Fuckin' dick!

Fuck you, you fuckin' little goddamn slippery midget.

Help me. Help me.

Help me.

Oh, goddamn him.

I hate those little fucks.

Little midget. Little, tiny people.

Special delivery, Tattoo.

So, fuck you!

Fuck you, motherfucker!


They're gettin' in!

I'm out of here!