Fierce Creatures (1997) Script

Greetings from Martin's Movies


I'm here to see Rod McCain. Willa Weston.

I'm not gettin' an answer. You'll, uh, have to wait, ma'am.

No. No, I'm starting work here today, and I can't be late.

Can I help?

I don't think so. Could you try Mr. McCain's assistant again, please?

I already did, ma'am.

You sure I can't help?

Am I not on the list? Um...

Don't worry, Bill. I'll take her up.

She's from the White House.

Whatever you say, Mr. McCain.

Vince McCain. I'm the son. This way.

Hmm.

You are? Willa Weston. I'm here to manage WOCT networks.

Ah! And you're Vice President of Marketing.

Yes, but mostly I just wait for my father to die.

Uh, what was that thing about the White House?

I was just changing his perception of the situation. First law of marketing.

So, uh, what would you like to know about the, uh, most powerful man alive?

Rod McCain.

Around here, he's known as "Rod Almighty."

Mm-hmm.

Uh, wait right here. Uh, Mr. McCain...

No. He called me. I'll be right out.

He called me.

Hi, Neville. How's it going?

Rod's busy. Ah, yes.

Yes. Ow Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes!

I did it. I did the deal.

One-four-five? One-three-bloody-eight. Hit me.

You bloody beauty.

Way to go, Dad! We did it again! Oh, it's you.

Can I introduce... I'm late for the finance meeting.

But, Dad... Shut up.

What do we do about Detroit? Close it.

It's done.

Mr. McCain, Willa Weston.

Call me Rod.

Welcome aboard. Thanks.

Dad, I'd like to introduce... Just signed a beautiful deal.

I snatched it from under the nose of that bastard Murdoch.

What are the crown jewels? Television and publishing.

There's a film distribution company, 14 multiplexes, some bingo halls...

Three ice rinks, a crematorium... Nice little owner, that, and a zoo.

A zoo? Yep.

Gotta go, Willa. Finance meeting.

Back, Neville. So, uh, make a lot of money for me at, uh...

Oh. WOCT.

Sorry. Sold it this morning. What?

Don't worry. We'll find something for ya.

Talk to you later.

You mean I don't have a job? That's Dad.

Look, Willa... Look, I just gave up a vice presidency.

No worries, Willa. We've got lots of jobs. We're always expanding.

Neville, check our liability on the Detroit pension rights.

Righto. Vince, go away.

I wanted grapes! I'm sorry.

Neville. It was a natural mistake.

I wanted grapes. Get the fruit.

What's going on at that zoo? What zoo?

The one you just acquired in Britain.

We put in a guy from Octopus TV. Hard- nosed little Chinese bastard called Lee.

He used to be in the Hong Kong police. Speaks good English, but...

Uh, big cats over there, right? Yes.

And small mammal house there. That's right.

Good. Mammals.

Uh, ha-have you any background in animals?

Well, I've eaten a lot, you know. Sorry. Joke.

Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

Evening. Evening.

Uh, now, for those of you who have not met me yet, my name is Rollo Lee, and as of yesterday morning, I have assumed command of this zoo... and I shall be reporting to our new owners, Octopus, Inc., of Atlanta.

Now, Octopus, of course, is owned by Mr. Rod McCain, who, as I'm sure you were aware, is a remarkable man.

Starting with his father's radio stations in New Zealand, he has built up a global empire... currently worth more than six billion dollars... and growing.

'Ow much does he want in the end? Yeah.

What? 'Ow much bigger does he wanna get?

Well, there aren't any limits. He wants growth.

He's aware of Dr. E.F. Schumacher's concept of limited resources...?

Or, as Jean-Paul Sartre puts it...

Any sensible questions? Yes.

Are you going to close the zoo? Yes.

I'm-I'm very glad you asked me that. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. No, you're not.

Now, look. This zoo has to make money. It does.

Yes, yes, but not enough. Enough for what?

Now, don't... Ac-Actually, I will tell you precisely.

Mr. McCain requires a 20% return on capital... from each and every asset in his empire.

Why 20%? Because he does. That's why.

Could we explore that thinking a little?

No. I thought not.

Current management theory regards... Now, the big problem is this:

Current management theory regards... Now, the big problem is this:

How do we cut costs and attract more visitors?

Well, I'll tell you from my experience at Octopus Television... exactly what draws the biggest audiences all over the world.

Violence.

Oh, yes. Mr. Sylvester Stallone did not get where he is today... by playing in Jane Austen.

What's that got to do with it? Therefore, in this zoo, we require only animals that are potentially violent.

Fierce animals.

All the rest, I'm afraid, will have to go.

What d'you mean, go? We'll have to find them other homes.

What? Outside the zoo? This zoo is dedicated to conservation.

Yes. I am in favor of conservation, and the three things... that I want to conserve are this zoo, your jobs and fierce animals.

He barges in without the slightest idea of what... You two don't seem very upset.

Oh, we are, really. Because your animals are fierce?

No. We think it's... Diabolical.

That's the word. What does he mean by "fierce"?

A giraffe can kick a man's head off, but you wouldn't call them "fierce."

Well, it's the same with sea lions and penguins.

I mean, people don't think of them as violent, but they can be killers.

Why have you all gone quiet?

Are you trying to tell me that Coati is fierce?

Please! This is a wild animal. It's not domesticated.

Take a liberty with one of these things, sir, they give you a very nasty nip.

A safety pin would give me a nasty nip, Lotterby. I'll tell you what's fierce.

Fierce is biting the whole hand off. The whole hand?

All right if it wrenches the hand off? Oh, yes, fine.

Whew.

Lotterby, could I have a word with you, please?

Now, these are your meerkats, correct Don't do that, please, sir.

They go straight for the throat.

This new plaque says that they're known as "The Piranhas of the Desert." Right?

They can strip a human carcass in three minutes.

My encyclopedia says they're easily tamed and often kept as pets.

No! You've not been attacked by one, sir.

Nobody's been attacked by one, Lotterby, or, rather, if they have, they never noticed.

Now, these Patagonian maras of yours, um, devastate entire Argentinian villages, do they?

Oh, they completely wipe 'em out, sir. Shocking to watch.

Says here they eat grass. No! That's for hors d'oeuvres, sir.

When their blood's up... You are trying to deceive me into... thinking that your animals are fierce, I'm talkin' about the rogue ones, sir.

When they are, in fact, loveable, cuddly and surplus to requirements.

You want every animal a psycho? I want a lethal weapon in every cage.

So what do we do with all the others? Get rid of 'em.

Willa, can I ask you a question? Sure.

Are those breasts real? Yes.

Yippee!

You know, Willa, uh, you better be careful dressed like that around here.

People will think you're sleeping your way to the top.

Just as long as they don't think I'm sleeping my way to the middle.

Ooh-hoo. What are you doing?

I'm going to ask your father if I can go run the zoo.

What? You want to go to the Third World and operate an animal toilet?

Animals, paper clips, television companies. It's all business.

Willa, these things smell. With enough zoos running, we are talking billions.

Wow. How 'bout dinner? You can wear your office clothes. No. I have to get up early.

I'm pitching it to Rod in the morning. Oh. What's the hurry?

I don't want to give our ruthless Chinese friend time to make an impact.

I daresay they are upset, Di, but I have a job to do.

Yes, I know, but l... Look. I have to be hard-nosed, okay?

I mean, McCain demands it. All the time, you've got to be tough, tough, tough.

God knows why. You mean Octopus is ruled by fear?

No. No, no. Terror.

I've got this one chance to show that I can run something or I'm out, and at my age, scrap heap.

Mr. Lee?

There's a call from Atlantis. Atlantis?

Atlanta. Hello. Lee here. Rollo, Nev here. Rod would like a word with you.

Rod? That's right. The wife and kids settled in yet?

Yes. Everything's absolutely terrified here, thanks. How kind of you to ask.

Rollo, Rod here. Got the wife and kids settled in? Yes, yes. Uh, yes...

Let me know what you're gonna do to push earnings up to our favorite 20%, okay?

Actually, it's marvelous to have this opportunity of explaining quickly what I've got in mind.

Hello, Rollo? Hello again, Mr. McCain.

Uh, no. It's Nev, mate. So the wife and kids are settled in all right?

I don't want to seem awkward but I'm not married and I haven't got any children.

What happened to Rod? He's been called away. So let Rod know your plans.

Zoos are not moneymakers, Willa. Mr. McCain, with good marketing, cash comes walking in the gate, and with sponsorships, even more cash.

That was my idea, Dad. I've got several lined up already.

Just think of it as a prototype for a chain of cash cows.

Sort of a cash dairy, eh?

Sort of a cash dairy, eh?

This inclination towards absolutism within the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

C.B. Wedgewood in...

Yes? Come in.

Yes? Here are the animals, sir.

What animals? The first batch of animals that are not fierce, sir.

Ah! Good.

Yes? We tried to place them with other zoos. No takers.

Do you mean of all the zoos in this country, you can't find a single one...

Zoos are keeping less and less species, sir.

Well, uh, what about having people take them as pets?

Pets? Oh, come on, now.

They need expert attention. It's not allowed.

Quarantine regulations. Well, uh, can we release them back into the wild?

In the wild, there's no safe habitat for this one.

Into the wild?

So what do you propose? There's only one solution, Mr. Lee:

What the London Zoo proposed years ago when the government wouldn't give funds.

What was that? Shoot 'em.

Are you seriously telling me there's no other way of getting rid of these?

Not... Hmm? unless you were to change the Fierce Animal Policy.

Nope. Sure about that in the circumstances?

Perfectly sure, thank you, Lotterby. Yes.

They're very dear creatures. That's not in dispute.

But you would like them killed in line with your policy?

If you really have explored all the other avenues, yes.

I mean, if extermination is the only choice, so be it.

I'm sorry, but I see no alternative.

The Fierce Animal Policy is-is absolutely essential... for the continuing survival of-of...

What are you doing? Well, it's just that... we'd rather not shoot them ourselves, sir.

We're very fond of them. - We're keepers, and we're not keeping them.

Oh, I see. I'm shooting them, am I?

If it's not too much trouble. No, no. Fine. Uh, do you have my diary there?

Thank you.

You will make it quick, sir, won't you?

What? Do you mean I'm not allowed to torture them a bit first just for fun?

You wouldn't do that! I wasn't being serious, stupid girl!

Hardly the time for jokes. B-Bye-bye, Suzie.

Bye-bye, Petal.

I tried.

Be brave, Mitzi.

Bye, Rollo. I'd prefer it if you called me "Director."

I was talking to the lemur!

The lemur is called "Rollo"?

She named him after you. It was a mark of respect.

Would you pass the marmalade, please?

You should have seen his face when he realized he was supposed to shoot them.

Without wishing to detract from your award-winning performances, may I be so bold as to inquire what you hope to achieve by this prank?

It wasn't a prank, Bugsy. We're tryin' to confront him with the reality.

If you paint him into a corner, you'll find that he will...

Bugsy, shut up. He's not a cold-blooded murderer.

We've given him the five sweetest, cuddliest, most loveable...


I told you so.

Shut up! Bugsy, he'll start on yours next.

Yes?

Hello, Rollo. Yes?

Vince here. How you doin'? You having dinner?

Dinner? It's, uh, 2:00 in the morning.

Oh. Were you asleep? Yes. I frequently am at 2:00 a.m.

Habit I picked up in the Far East. Oh, gee. Look.

If this communique is in any way, uh, sleep-interruptive, I'll re-telephone you later. No, no, no. It's not. Really.

So let's chat now. I can always catch up on some rest. Christmas probably.

Okay, good. Let's talk marketing, shall we?

Oh, good. Yeah. First thing tomorrow...

I'd like you to send me the most current marketing figures you've got, okeydoke?

Right. Ah!

Uh, Rollo. Hi. Willa Weston here. Are you all right?

No, no. Not now. Not now! Would you... You got a problem with now?

No, no. I'm fine. Don't do that. Sorry. Hang on a moment.

Suzie, be quiet. Shh! Shh!

Hello? I'm going to put you on hold just for one moment. Okay? Thank you.

Another filthy habit he picked up in the Far East.

Now, you just go over there. Right. Stay.

Don't. Don't. Don't. Just stop it.

I've got to talk with those marketing Moonies.

Now, just go over there and play with each other. Right. Go on.

He's got two girls. Go away, Suzie.

Suzie, what are you going down there for? Ah! Ah!

No! Stop licking my... Careful! Ah!

Ah. Don't bite. Ah. Ah. No. Can't fool around with you now. Go.

Ow! Ow! Don't pull. Don't pull. Ah.

Get... There. Ah. There. Stay. Stay.

Cindy, get off the bed.

Cindy! Off, off!

I don't want you now. Get... Three girls?

Cindy, go away. Three?

Go on. Just go.

Oh, that is disgusting.

Sorry. I had a bit of a cramp.

Hello? Hello!

He-He must have eaten a whole rhino horn.

Now there's a thought.

I'll be right back.

Take your time.

How does he get three girls? Where does the third one go?

Bastard.

The place is probably crawling with young beautiful female zookeepers. Damn!

I hate it when people abuse positions of trust for their sexual gratification.

It's demeaning to women.

Vince, tell me about the sponsorships.

What sponsorships? The ones you told Rod about.

I made that up. Vince, I told...

What are you doing?

Well, getting undressed... for sex. I thought you were in the bedroom.

I was getting us dinner. Oh!

Okay. You wanna eat first?

Oh, goody-goody. Goody, yo! Yippee!

Vince, I invited you here tonight... to say "thank you" for helping me with Rod.

Not... to jump in the sack with you.

Whoa, wait, wait... Uh, what is the problem?

I really like you.

And who knows... what might've happened?

Oh, you mean if you weren't going to England tomorrow? Exactly.

Look, it's all right. I understand.

Really? Yes.

You sure you're okay with this? Yes.

Really? Yeah, I'm fine.

Thanks.

'Cause I'm going with you.

What? Yes! Surprise!

I talked to Rod and he said we could run the zoo together!

Great!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo You're not gonna let him go to Marwood Zoo?

I know it's only 4,000 miles away, Nev, but it's a start.

Still, it's tough on Willa, getting landed with the idiot son.

She can manage him. She's a natural-born corporate killer.

You have the questions? Yes.

Back, Nev.

No. No.

No!

You better send a good bookkeeper with him.

He would never dare try to steal again.

Fakin' my signature.

Not after what happened to him last time.

That's enough. So, you must be the intellectuals. What do you wanna know?

What about the 5,000 layoffs if you close down in Chicago?

If any employees were let go, it would depend on second-quarter growth, If any employees were let go, it would depend on second-quarter growth, because we don't wanna lose anyone unless it is absolutely necessary.

We at Octopus are in the business of job creation.

Currently, we employ more than 70,000 people worldwide.

Sometimes circumstances require the company to be relocated.

It's inevitable in any business that it's going to face competition.

Scared? Don't worry about Terry. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Actually, he would hurt a fly being a Mexican Red Knee Tarantula, Brachypelma Smithy, and therefore particularly partial to flies.

The point is that Terry... has a bite relatively harmless to human beings.

Yet you reacted as though he were fierce, which he isn't!

Yes, I've always had a bit of a thing about spiders, actually.

So, if creatures are thought to be fierce... they are, ipso facto, fierce!

Sorry, Director. We need the guns.

What? Animal's escaped. We gotta catch it!

We need three, sir. Tranquilizer darts?

Gerry's got the blowpipe, sir. We need the real thing just in case.

Okay, l-I'll get one too. Don't worry. We can handle this.

Johnson!

Keep back, everybody. Please, keep back.

What's going on? Just recapturing an animal. Nothing to worry about.

Why have you got the guns then?

Uh, just a precaution. Don't worry. Everything's under control.

We've caught it, ladies and gentlemen, so we can all relax.

And thank you very much for your cooperation. Thank you.

Well done, everyone. Well done.

What is that? That is an anteater. Not too close! He's angry.

Angry? They got wicked tempers, sir.

Devastate small towns, do they? No, not...

Stop! Look at the claws. They're diabolical.

You did not need three guns to recapture this. A sharp stick would've sufficed.

You did not need three guns to recapture this. A sharp stick would've sufficed.

A sharp stick? Believe you me, sir, his jaws...

It's an anteater, not a man-eater.

What would you be saying if he jumped into that pram?

I'd be saying, "Madam, you were the victim of an eight billion-to-one chance a leaping anteater, an evolutionary mutant previously unknown to science."

They climb like monkeys. Will you be quiet!

Get this toy back in its enclosure and stop insulting my intelligence!

The tsetse fly, Muscidae Glossina.

Ten blood-sucking millimeters. You all right, Pip?

One of the major disease carriers known to man. I'll be okay.

Is she hurt? Little local difficulty.

She took a liberty with a bandicoot. Bandicoot?

My God! It's just a flesh wound.

A few stitches, I'll be back at work. Are you sure?

Don't worry. It's part of the job with the bandicoots.

Be careful of those bandicoots, sir. Bandicoots, right.

Pity about Pip's leg. But it's good for the zoo, isn't it, Mr. Lee? What?

All this fierceness. What's that?

Just a bite, sir. From what?

What's going on now?

It's the sea lions, sir. Sea lions!

What? Are they attacking someone?

Thank you! Everything's fine.

Nothing to worry about.

Nice crowds today, Director.

Uh, yes, yes, very good.

And she's a fully-trained telephone engineer.

Really? I didn't know that. Enjoying the show?

Stunning creatures, sea lions. Wonderful plumage.

Lovely movers, too, considering the flippers. God at His best, I'd say.

Ta-da!

I mean, you see, she couldn't do that if it were fierce.

If it were fierce, she couldn't go in there with them.

I'm 100% behind the Fierce Animals Policy.

But in a case of animals like that, the attendances speak for themselves.

I understand the purpose of the Policy is to increase attendances.

But where attendances are already high for non-fierce animals...

I would've thought there'd be an exception to the general rule.

There's the African Migratory Locust... Shh!

Perfect.

Stay.

Management types. No inkling of interest in any subject other than their own.

Bit more. Not too much. Gotta look real.

Right. Better not do anyone else today or he might get a bit suspicious.

Oh, yeah. We don't want to make him too fierce.

I have a suggestion.

To make a complete idiot of him, make those wounds as realistic as possible.

No, no, no, no, no!

Aaaah!

Something wrong with the sights on this. I keep hitting coffee mugs.

Right. I'll see you three in my office, 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Oh, my God!

Did you know that the anopheles mosquito kills more people in a year... than all the wild animals in Africa in a century?

Were you shooting more animals? No, just culling a few keepers.

Ah, leg better, is it? Miracle recovery or...

He's just shot a keeper! Watch out!

No, I haven't! He is in there dying! Look out.

Be quiet! Stop that or Ill...

Everything under control.

He's gone mad! Nothing to worry about!

Here we are. Yeah.

Right.

Mr. Lee, I'm afraid there's been an accident.

Of course there has, Lotterby, and I can promise you, it's the last one.

What? This lady fell, Mr. Lee...

No, surely she's been savaged by a chipmunk or gored by a gopher... or disemboweled by a chicken, hasn't she?

Come on, get off there. What?

Put that stretcher down, you two. I fell.

She did. Scout's honor. I'm warning you, Lotterby. Put the stretcher down now!

What are you doing? Mr. Lee.

Come off it. Just get up. She needs treatment.

No, she doesn't. She's hurt her leg.

No, it's fake. What?

It's fake blood. Look. Taste it.

Mr. Lee! It's fake.

Fake? Yes, fake. Try it yourself.

Who is this?

He's the Director of the zoo.

He's in charge. You've been rumbled.

What? You're not fooling anyone, so get up.

What is going on? This is artificial blood.

The whole thing's a charade. She's not hurt.

She is hurt. She's just one of the keeper's wives.

She's my wife! Look, taste the blood!

Taste the blood.

She's my wife! She's your wife?

Mr. Lee.

Wait a moment. He's drinking her blood! Stop...

Are you sure she's your wife?

Of course I'm sure! Get away from her! Now, let's be sensible.

Count Dracula's telling me to be sensible?

What is happening here? He's sucking her blood!

He's what? Look at his lips!

He's the director of the zoo. You're Rollo Lee?

Christopher Lee, more like. This woman is injured.

She needs attention. I know she needs treatment.

You just told everyone she didn't. Before you bit her.

Are you in pain, Mrs... Pike. No, but it's tender.

I can handle this. No, you can't.

I'm in charge. No, you're not.

Yes, I am! By God, you Americans are pushy! Who do you think you are?

Willa Weston. Vince McCain.

Welcome to Marwood Zoo. Um, can I offer you a coffee, doughnut?

Cappuccino. That's him!

There he is. You're under arrest. Come here.

He shot a keeper. No, he tried to, but he missed.

Missed? Look at that.

Get off her, you pervert!

Rape!

So the big question is... what am I gonna do with you all?

'Cause I'm almost certainly on the scrap heap, you see.

Ah, well.

A pity. I like it here.

Oh! Look what you've done!

That's the second time. Don't they teach you any manners in Argentina?

If you do that again, I will shoot you.

Coming!

Come on. Get in there. Quick. Quick.

I still say we should just fire him. Okay, fine.

You call your father. Come here, darling.

Now, quiet, you two.

All right. Suzie? Suzie, come here.

He's at it again.

Come on, get in there. No fighting.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Can we come in?

You are still working, right? It's 3:00 in the afternoon.

Oh, do you want the report? Yes.

So, we can come in. Okay? Yeah? Good idea. Good idea.

Bit of a mess, I'm afraid. I just spilled something.

Oh. Look, Rollo, we've been reviewing your situation and we've decided... to reappraise your position. Oh.

Away from the public. You saw the local paper?

Yeah, the, um... "Vampire Gunman Runs Amok" story?

That? Yes. Bloody newspapers. Ha!

Report to me tomorrow at 9:00 a.m., we'll discuss the position.

And your new office.

One thing before you go. About those five animals I'm supposed to have shot...

Smart career move, bub. What?

Killing them saved your ass from extinction. Oh, I see.

No, they just put it in.

Well, it wasn't an easy decision, obviously.

You know, you've gotta be hard-nosed because... toughness is the name of the game if you want no-nonsense management.

After all, toughness is what it's all about these days.

Toughness and hard-noseness. Well, hard-nasality, as I mentioned before.

That is the bottom line, as Rod often says.

Rod is right. Remarkable man.

Absolutely remarkable man. Six billion dollars! How extraordinary!

Damn radiator!

Hardly slept last night. I bet.

Listen, Rollo, I don't like you. You're weird and unattractive.

You just better reposition your attitude, vis-a-vis... certain members of the female staff, or you're gonna be out of here.

"Certain members of the female staff"?

Oh, please.

Well, I think he's sexy.

Sexy? Uh-huh.

Looks like a giraffe in drag.

Did you get a whiff of his cologne? Eau de Monkey Fart.

No, he's a geek. And the way he moves, it's like... he borrowed his body for the weekend and hasn't figured out how it works yet.

He's got something. He's been demoted and the girls are still all over him.

I bet they're real dogs. Mangy, nearsighted, weight-watcher rejects.

God, he's so male.

Him? No, Jambo. Look. Isn't he wonderful?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Reminds me of my father.

Was your father ugly?

No, it's just I didn't get to see him very much.

But when I did he used to take me to the Atlanta Zoo to see the gorilla there.

That's when I felt close to him.

To the gorilla?

No, to my father.

Life just seemed simple then.

Yeah. Yeah.

Is this all he does?

I mean, because the zoo is after the entertainment dollar, right?

If this is the evening performance, I'm glad I missed the matinee.

What do you do for an encore? Fall asleep?

You really don't like animals, do you?

It's not that I don't like them. I just don't see the point.

When I was five, my mother got me this dog.

I just didn't get it.

I suppose I had nothing I needed fetched. So I sold him.

Oh, that's sad. Oh, he got over it.

No, for you. It's very sad for you because you couldn't love a puppy.

Yeah. No. No, no. No, no, no, nope.

This is the kind of conversation two people have when one of them is female.

Surprise!

Celebrate our partnership.

Our partnership. That's right.

However, there's just one thing I couldn't help noticing.

We still have separate bedrooms.

Uh... just missed.

I mean, we have taken over the zoo.

We are here in England.

To us.

I think it's too soon.

Why?

Because what we have is special.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

Uh-uh.

It's too soon.

How too soon?

Goddamn it! Thanks, asshole! This is your fault!

You!

Oh, hello.

Lovely evening.

What are you doing with that? Oh, the lemur?

Yeah. Just putting it back in its enclosure.

Why'd you take it out? Uh, for a walk, you know, exercise.

It can hardly move in there.

Uh, no, no, the exercise is for me.

So what do you need that for? That's a good point, actually.

Um, well, perhaps I won't bother in future. Thanks for the hint.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Were you gonna use that for target practice?

Oh, no! Or, uh... one of your orgies?

Orgies? Yeah! I'm onto you.

You were gonna put that somewhere. You're sick!

Is there a history of insanity in your family, or is smashing up trolleys the latest American craze?

No, the latest American craze, pal, is firing weirdos like you!

Come on, Rollo, let's get you back home before some loony attacks this trolley.

"Come on, Rollo"?

He's talking to himself, and I'm the loony!

Animals are boring!

But people pay money to see them, which led me to my latest inspiration.

We are talking about a whole new concept in sponsorship... that completely eliminates the non-event impact deficit.

For instance... What have we here? Ah!

An African spurred tortoise.

Who gives a shit, right? I mean, look at it.

If it died, would we know?

My grandmother's grave is a bigger attraction. But wait.

It's not just some nonentity tortoise now.

It's Bruce Springsteen's tortoise.

Immediately, it's an event!-

It's practically a celebrity itself.

Will he come and visit it? What?

Will he come and visit it? Yeah, when his schedule allows.

So he's agreed to sponsor it? I'm expecting his call any minute.

But the potential. We can market little Bruce Springsteen tortoises.

Jurassic Park made half of its money from those little plastic dinosaurs.

And they're even deader than this heap of garbage! Follow me!

Now here we have a Brazilian tapir.

I have to say I've dated better-looking women.

Now, listen to this experience-enhancing, digitally-manipulated educational tool.

Brazilian tapirs.

Solitary, three-toed ungulates which inhabit lowland forests in sunny Brazil.

Reachable now in less than 14 hours via British Airways'... nonstop flights to stunning Rio de Janeiro.

I mean, it's bad enough having to wear this rubbish!

I do know what you mean. I can only assume he's planning to turn the entire zoo... into a supermarket where he can sell videos about animals in other zoos.

Cheap little souvenirs of the ones they didn't see... because they were too busy shopping. Yes, l...

I'm surprised he hasn't started selling all the animals here.

Special summer sale. Antelope, 50% off.

Ocelots, 200 pounds each, or six for a thousand.

Rhino horn, just the job for a Friday night. Could I say someth...

One free porcupine with every purchase of two overpriced T-shirts.

Please!

Thank you. I just wanna make this one point...

If you ask me... I don't!

I can't get a word in edgewise, let alone ask you anything.

You didn't kill them! What?

We checked! They're all alive! Oh!

You rascal. He was only kidding.

Just figured that out, has he? I say.

And now over here, this used to be the lion house, but... as it's no longer suitable for animals, we're using it for middle management.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Can you keep a lid on it till the sun goes down?

Can you keep a lid on it till the sun goes down?

You're supposed to be working, not prancing around your cell... like a flamingo with a boner!

Terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

We're having a little problem getting the right balance with his medication.

This is a family zoo, not the Playboy mansion, you pervert!

This is your last warning, Lee!

Follow me, ladies and gentlemen. It's perfectly all right. Sorry about that.

Right this way. Right this way.

Now I know why they keep him in a cage.

But we thought you had actually killed them.

I had to pretend I shot them. Why?

To preserve my authority. What authority?

Yeah, all right, all right.

I'm just praying that Vince doesn't fire me, 'cause I love it here.

Oh, come on, you just love putting things in cages, being an ex-cop.

It's true, but this place is still special.

It used to be. What?

Before Vince McCain. He's at the bottom of the food chain.

I fail to see how you can criticize him.

What? He's bringing the crowds in, isn't he?

In order to raise the revenue to the 20% profit margin that you yourself... were advocating so vociferously less than a month ago...

No, that's not what I was saying. Yes, you were.

No, I wasn't. Yes, you were!

What was the point of raising it to 20%...

You really want to know what I think? Yes.

Right. I'll tell you.

I think the whole Octopus philosophy is poison.

The only aim... of any and every McCain business... is to downsize and halve the quality to make enough money to acquire... another business to downsize and halve the quality... to make enough money to acquire another business to downsize, et cetera... without ever running a single one of them really well.

If anyone ever raises the question of quality they're attacked as an elitist, because at Octopus it's considered morally offensive to talk about anything but money.

All so that Mr. Rod McCain can feel a little more powerful every day.

That's why, instead of running this wonderful zoo properly, we have to spoil it... in order to finance his next mindless acquisition.

On the other hand, he is a remarkable man...

Teatime! Half past 8:00. We should be going.

I haven't finished! I haven't finished!

He is a, uh, true visionary of, of...

Ah, hello.

I was just, uh... Trashing Octopus. I know.

It didn't really sound like that, did it?

Why do you work for us, Rollo?

Cowardice?

We all have to live in the real world, or this place is gonna close, but I just want you all to know I intend to run this one business really well.

And if you do we could open a chain of them all over the world.

Little zoos popping up everywhere, all exactly the same.

Leopards on the left, rhinos on the right, monkeys in the middle, sea lions in the center, ferrets in the front...

Ohh. I hate these banners.

Hello.

Oh, Vince, you idiot.

Hi! Hi!

Hugh?


Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Come on, Jambo.

Come on.

Good boy. There you go.

I have it. Yes, I do. I do have it. Uh-uh-uh-uh...

You okay, Miss Weston?

No, l-l-I'm fine, l...

l-I just...

You made contact.

That's good. Great.

No, no, no, no.

You don't understand. I wasn't lying.

Oh, really? Just what? Altering my perception of the situation?

Y-Yeah... No, no! I spoke with Springsteen direct!

Direct? Oh, really.

Yeah, he said, "Vince, you were born to run with this. You have my blessing."

Then how come I have this pissed-off fax from his agent?

Oh... Oh, this is just, uh, a negotiating ploy.

Just, uh, just offer him 50% of the total tortoise revenue.

There is no tortoise revenue.

Exactly. The point is...

The point is that this sponsorship stuff is degrading to the animals.

Like what?

Like that.

That's genius! There's not one major award I won't win for that!

That... is unacceptable.

Take it off. But... But...

Wh... l-It's brilliant. It's never been done before!

Try to work out why.

It's for the zoo.

It's a perfectly reasonable request. She won't tell me!

She will! Not after what I said about Octopus.

She likes you, Rollo. She's always on about consultations.

She likes you. What do you mean?

She means, the pheromones you're unconsciously releasing... Go! Go!

Have the physiological effect of increasing the statistical probability of her taking part in some form of mounting behavior...

Hello. Oh, hello.

What are you doing?

Just, uh, visiting some little friends.

Ah, plenty of them at the zoo, I've heard.

Yes. Um, look, can I ask you something? Sure.

About some of these sponsorship ideas... Mmm.

I wonder if you and your fiance don't feel that...

Fiance? Vince?

No, no. No. We're not together.

Oh, good.

"Good"?

Good.

I know we're not making 20% yet, but some of the marketing devices are a bit... a bit... crude?

Yes. Good.

Because, you know, the keepers... and, um, and I were...

Oh, look at that.

Aren't they gorgeous?

Oh, they just make you want to fondle them.

Oh, yes! Yes! I see what you mean.

Yes.

Is this one your favorite?

Yes, I like him breast of... uh, best... Of all the small mammaries.

Mammals! Sorry.

Yes, h-h-his name's Rollo, actually. Really.

Mmm.

Yes, so I sort of feed him some special titsbits...

Ti... T-T... Sorry. Tidbits.

I keep making boobs...

Anyway, he just loves his nuts.

Does he?

Hmm.

And is, uh, Rollo... very sexually active?

Well, h-he doesn't have a partner at the moment, y-you know, if he had one.

One? Hmm?

I mean, just one? He wouldn't get bored or...

I mean, you had two... in your cage the other day.

Oh! Yes. Yes.

Only, um, some of the sponsorship gimmicks are a bit sexessive... exsexy... sexis...

Excessive. That's it. Sorry.

Freudian slit... slut... sot, um...

Slip. Slip. Slip.

Slip. Sorry. Slip.

Rollo, do you really want to talk about the zoo?

Well, I think we ought to.

Okay. How about dinner, tomorrow night?

Dinner?

Yes.

Ye... W-Well, y-yes, I don't think I've got anything else on as yet.

No, th-that'd... that'd be fine.

Good. Dinner.

Rollo...

I think I like you.

Something in the air.

Fucking hell.

Oh! Damn it!

We can't have dinner tomorrow night. I'm having dinner with Rod McCain.

Rod? What, here?

No, at the Marwood Arms. Uh, Wednesday, then.

Yes, but... he... he's not gonna close us down, is he?

Oh, no, no, no. The zoo's safe. Rod trusts me.

Don't worry. Good.

See you Wednesday. Good.

Good.

I'd like to know what McCain's really thinking.

Just because she trusts him doesn't mean we have to.

What you need to deal with these big corporations is inside information.

Where shall I put this? On the bed in our room.

We didn't have to use something this big, did we?

The Revox A-77 is known as being heavier than comparable models, owing to its three-motor design and 10-1/2 inch reel capacity.

Would you like your bed turned down? Everything's fine, thank you.

acoustic response is required. Please, Bugsy.

How much longer will it take to get this mike...

This FM transmitter will give you... Shut up!

Sorry. I'm a bit on edge. We've got plenty of time.

We have not got plenty of time. McCain's not due for half an hour.

Do you know the risk we're taking here?

If McCain finds us, we're dead meat. We'll be safely in there.

You do realize this is a criminal act. Oh, yeah.

Good. Wireless Telegraphy Act, clause five...

How soon? How soon? Just one microphone to check.

Right. Just one? Yeah.

Okay.

Another interesting thing about the combination of the A-77... with a standard hypercardioid microphone...

Oh. Dead wasp.

Lucky you, Terry.

You all right? Yeah.

Any sign of anything? No, not yet.

Everything all right? Fine.

You can see the back entrance?

Everything. Great. Keep your eyes peeled.

Hey! Hey!

Over here!

Hey, Neville! Right over here! Here we go! Yep!

Whoa. Let me get that, Dad.

Y... Oh, damn.

And as Professor Stephen Hawking has pointed out, if you're watching a star collapse to form a black hole, we must remember that in the Theory of Relativity...

Hurry up! May I point out that...

No. Is the microphone fixed? Yeah, yeah.

Right. Get in the next room. I'd like to make a point...

I don't care. I only want you to be quiet.

Look, I know my loquacity... Will you can it?

I mean, just for once?

Are you aware what a complete windbag you are?

Ohh!

Rollo!

Rollo!

They're here! What?

Quick!

The door! Aah!

Other door! Other door!

It's our special, sir. The Churchill Suite.

I don't care what it's bloody called. I just wanna know how much money it is.

We've had many famous visitors here. Good.

It's called the Churchill Suite because Winston stayed here on two occasions.

If there's anything at all... Rod! Rod!

It's Melbourne. Gentlemen, ladies, excuse me...

I have a rather important call. Dad, some champagne?

A little bubbly? Come on, have some champagne.

Come on, it's a big day. Mm-hmm.

Yes, yes. A grand day this is.

All right, how much?

Waiter.

No. Mmm!

Right. Right.

What'd be the cost of a plant in Papua, New Guinea?

Right, I'm gonna close Melbourne down.

What? It's not being recorded.

I know! That's why I'm trying to listen!

Well, they shouldn't be so greedy. Shh!

Right. Fax Atlanta about this.

Mate, Beijing called.

We've got the television rights to their public executions.

Worldwide? Five guys a week, guaranteed!

Beauty! Yea!

This is what satellite television was invented for. Totally cross-cultural.

So Vic... Vince... what do want to talk about?

The zoo's going really well, Dad. Have you got the figures?

Yeah.

It's taken some time to whip the Brits into shape, but, uh...

You're going to be proud of me. Yeah. Just give me the figures.

You're not gonna believe what I put together, Dad.

Probably not.

I really want to thank you, Dad, for accommodating me, schedule-wise.

It means a lot to me, both as an employee and flesh and blood-wise.

Cut the crap. It was on my way.

Done really well, haven't I, Dad?

Chip off the old block, eh?

I'm reading. Sorry.

Something here doesn't add up. If you read between the lines...

What are you doing?

The tarantula's escaped.

What? What?

The tarantula's loose. What?

Told you I'd kick ass, Dad.

What I really wanted to ask is, I, uh...

I feel really close to you, Dad, these last few, um, moments, and I was wondering, uh, could I get a raise?

Out of the question. Why?

I don't have the money.

You got six billion dollars! Seven, but things are tight right now.

What the hell's makin' all this bloody noise?

Who's there? Oh.

Okay, look. What about a small advance on my inheritance? What inheritance?

Well... I'm your son. You have to leave me something.

Why? Y-You screwed up my whole childhood!

How could I have? Wasn't even there.

'Sides, I'm not leaving.

Wha... Uh...

Wh-Wh... What do you mean?

The moment I become seriously ill, I'm being frozen till they find a cure.

All the money goes into a trust till I get back.

Y-Y-You mean you're not gonna die?

Bad news, eh?

Get ahold of yourself.

Hmm? That was a sheep.

You mean, you're gonna be immortal?

Now ya got it!

Mind you, this cryogenic stuff isn't cheap. It's costing me an arm and a leg.

Mm.

Sheep are exactly like people, you know.

Give 'em a couple of meals a day, they just stand there quietly... till you eat 'em.

Gaa... Aah!

Christ!

What? Biggest goddamn spider I ever saw.

Ohh! Yeah! That's probably what was making the bleating noise!

I don't like spiders. Kill it! It's terminated.

Aah! Damn!

I missed!

It must've gone under the sofa. I'll wait here.

You might have to close the zoo down. What?

I can make a lot of money if I sell it to the Japanese as a golf course.

But, Dad, I'm... Shut up.

And don't mention it to Willa yet. Come on. Let's eat. I'm starving.

Oh, hello, Mr. McCain. Hello, Willa.

Am I early? You're just in time. How's business?

So great. I have so much... Good, let's eat.

Do I look all right? Great, yeah. Never better.

How'd it go? Really well. Let's go. Ohh!

Is that blood? Yeah, spider bite. Come on, let's go.

Uuh! Terry! Terry!

There you are. Terry-erries!

Got 'im! Her bag!

Oh!

Ho! Never again!

Not at my age.

Hello.

Hello.

What are you doing? Huh...

Well, uh, to cut a long story short... No, gimme the long version.

Oh, right. Well, um, I took the room next door... uh, just for the evening... and just now I noticed that the, uh, the interconnecting door wasn't locked. I sort of strolled in out of curiosity.

An-An-And... You... took... the room next door?

Y-Yes, I wanted to, uh... Just for the evening?

Listen to some music!


Good news. Customer pull-through... way, way, way up!

And the feedback has been sensational.

And I want to thank you all personally for... the incredible enthusiasm you've shown vis-a-vis our latest new initiative.

You look fantastic!

You're no longer a bunch of smelly, old animal keepers!

No, as of today... you are official theme-zoo visitation enhancement facilitators.

Now for the really big news.

This is it, ladies and gentlemen, the coup de zoo.

If you'll just look this way.

Huh!

Oh! A panda! How'd you get it?

It wasn't easy. It's beautiful. Look. Don't!

It's a dangerous animal!

Stay away! Back! Go on!

Get out, get out, get out!

You diabolical bastard!

Yee-haa!

You can't put an animatronic animal in a zoo!

Why not? It's not real! Yeah!

So what? It gave you a thrill.

Look, people come here from all over the world who have never seen a panda.

It's not a real thrill, is it? It's artificial!

Having pandas in England is artificial, for God's sake!

What do you want me to do? Put everyone on a plane and fly 'em to Africa?

Africa? Africa?

They come from China.

This was handmade in Belgium. I don't want some cheap Chinese panda.

What's the matter? What is wrong with you people?

I can't stand all this negativity!

Why aren't you pleased? Go home!

What does it take to get appreciated around here, huh?

This is a hit zoo, thanks to me!

People come here to connect with nature. You don't get that with electric pandas.

We're just giving them what they want!

What about the quality of the experience?

No, Rod says quality has never worked. Right!

Everything he touches gets tackier! That's the price of success.

Vince, I had an extraordinary experience yesterday.

What sort of experience?

With him. With him?

Uh-huh. A sort of contact.

What?

You couldn't possibly understand. W-W-Wait! Yes, yes, yes!

Yes, yes, yes! I think I do!

I don't turn you on anymore because you've got the hots for a gorilla!

It's not sexual.

He's clearly more attractive than I am, isn't he? But let me ask you something.

How much does he earn?

How much does Mr. Gorilla take home at the end of the week?

Not a lot! A couple of bananas!

You know how much I'm worth? Do you have any idea how much money...

I have made since I've been at this stinkin' zoo?

1.2 million dollars!

Yeah! Think about it!

What are you talking about? I've made nearly 800,000 in sponsorship deals in cash... plus consultancy fees, plus commission on animal futures.

You've been stealing?

Heh! No matter what I do, no matter what I wear, I can never impress you.

You're just like my father!

This is gonna close the zoo, Vince. So... what?

You and me, we walk away with two million dollars.

The place closes, what a shame, the Japs buy it... Fore!

"Hore" in one!

You know what you are? You're pronoid.

Pronoid? Mm-hmm.

Contrary to all the available evidence, you actually think that people like you.

Your perception of life is that it's one, long benefit dinner in your honor, with everybody cheering you on and wanting you to win everything.

You think you're the prince, Vince.

Well, let me tell you something. You are going to put back every last cent... into that zoo account by 10:00 tomorrow morning, or I am gonna call your daddy and tell on you!

Hello. Ready for dinner?

Fine, let's leave it.

Look, perhaps I should explain why I didn't have any trousers on last night.

It doesn't matter.

No, right. But you're wondering why the girls didn't have any kit on either?

No.

Look, I'm sorry, l...

I don't know what I've done to upset you.

Look, it's not you, Rollo.

I love this zoo.

I love zoo too.

The, the zoo too.

Well, it's all going wrong. And now Vince has been stealing.

Stealing? Yeah, and if McCain finds out, I don't know what he's gonna do.

Okay, look, um... Let's find out how obvious it is to Atlanta, all right?

First we'll see if the bank reconciliation figures... and the, uh, the cash flow tie up.

Then, well...

Sorry.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You know about this stuff? I was in the police for 20 years.

It's not just hitting people on the head with dicks... sticks! Sticks.

Sorry.

Damn. You see, it is pretty obvious to...

L-It is pretty obvious if they know what they're, uh...

Oh, my God.

Willa! I'm putting the money back... but only because I have feelings for y...

Oh, Rollo, not again!

How do you do it? I'm gonna call the zoo vet and get you fixed.

Get the bimbo out of Miss Weston's office.

No. No.

No, n-n-n-no.

I can understand the gorilla, but not Mr. Disgusting.

Vince!

What is it? He drugged you? Do you owe him money? Was it a dare? What?

He's very attractive.

Attractive?

Attractive?

How can you touch him? Look at that suit!

The suit comes off.

Aaah! I just got an image of that! You must be desperate!

Don't speak to her like that. "Don't speak to her like that"!

Oh, engaged already, are we? You broke up with that lemur pretty quick.

Whose heart are you gonna break next week? Some warthog's?

Where are you going? Leave the money! I'm outta here.

I think not! Vince!

Vince, it's not yours! It is too!

I stole it while you were busy two-timing me with that creature!

I wasn't even one-timing you! We never had a relationship. You were in love with me!

Oh, please! You just can't admit it, can you?

You better hand that back if you know what's best for you.

What century are you from?

Paisley!

Are you insane? I mean, what is the attraction?

Well, for one thing, he likes animals.

Oh, he doesn't just like 'em. He f... Miss Weston!

Finds them very attractive.

Do you mind? We're trying to have a board meeting here. We have been delegated... by an emergency meeting of the Keepers. What emergency?

Last night Rod McCain said he might turn us into a golf course.

What? He did not! Yes, he did.

I was in the cupboard listening. The cupboard?

He was too. It's true.

I want your cage cleared by 9:00! What did he say?

No, in a moment.

What did he say? This zoo provides a invaluable amenity.

If we didn't have the 20%... Any attempt to close it down...

Shh!

Bugsy, please! Shut up! I can't think! not to mention mass protests... Hey! Yo!

Mouth boy! Zip it!

Not to mention mass protests...

My life is falling apart. He will not shut up! financial markets of the world... Shut up!

From the conservation point of view, there'd be considerable...

I don't believe it. I want to have a private word with Vince... while you're getting the police. Okay, Rod.

So, you're gonna close the zoo? Too right. It's way under the 20%.

You realize you're going to have to shoot the animals. So?

Well, this is England, mate.

We'll get some tame vet to say they've caught some disease.

Pity this isn't Texas. Why?

We could charge people to do it for us.

May I remind you it takes at least 18 months... to decommission of a zoological facility of this kind.

Shut up or I'll shoot! My God! He's gone mad.

What's this, the latest Harvard Business School technique? Shut up!

Or merely an extension of your policy of consultation?

You would rather talk than live! You won't shoot me.

I will! Not with a 7.65 Beretta.34, you won't.

Oh, really? Why not? The safety catch is still on.

Right. Grab him! Get the gun, get the gun!

What in bloody hell's goin' on here?

Dad! Ha ha! You look great! How ya doin?

Clear off, you freaks!

Who in bloody hell are you? This is Rollo Lee.

Ah. Ah, Mr. McCain.

I'd like to make five points. Go away.

The zoo... Uugh!

You've been stealing from me again. Stealing?

My God, I've caught you red-handed.

Oh, that? I was just putting that back. I borrowed that... Neville's gone to the police.

What? You're going to jail, Vince.

Oh, no, not again! Vince'll put the money back. I promise.

Sorry, Willa, but I'm gonna have to close the zoo too.

What? What? Why? We're up to 20%!

No, you're not. Oh, we are! We are with this!

Are you sure? I swear it.

Nearly 25. All right, I'll leave it open.

But don't let it drop. No!

Say you won't have me arrested or I'll kill you, Dad.

You won't shoot me.

Oh-ho, yes, I will. You haven't got the guts.

Yes, I do! Get back! Vince!

Go on then.

Go on, you spineless twat!

See? You're no son of mine.

Ohh! Oh, yeah, good idea!

Give us all a good laugh... you wuss!

I am not a wuss!

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss! Oh, God, I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you!

Gimme that gun. It's all right, Mr. McCain.

It's a Beretta model 34...

You're fired.

Is he dead?

Oh, great.

Terrific. He decides to keep the zoo open, so you kill him.

Brilliant. Well done.

Thank you so much, especially for shooting him right between the eyes... so that it doesn't look like an accident, because... the people at Octopus will know that he was coming here to close us down.

So there's our motive for murdering him. Stunning.

Well, Mr. Brain of Britain, what are we going to tell the police, who are, of course, already on their way here?

Another example of the, of the thoroughness of your plan.

Go on. I'm all ears. L... Huh!

What do you suggest we do with the dead body of the incredibly famous man... who you have just assassinated?

Sorry, I didn't quite catch it. What?

What was it? Pop him in the blender?

Psst! Psst! I know he's dead! I did notice!

Well... what?

Give it, give it, give it... before you shoot somebody else!

What are you doing?

I'm freezing him. Why?

He's gotta be cryogenically frozen until they find a cure!

A cure? Yeah.

Vince, he has a bullet in the brain. Well, get more ice!

Vince, there is no cure for a bullet in the brain.

It is very fatal.

You mean he's dead?

Yes.

And he's not coming back?

No. I'm sorry.

Huh!

I'm so happy! You're dead!

You're dead! You're dead!

You big, fat bastard!

Yes, Bugsy!

High five! Low five! I love ya!

Mm-whaa! Life begins!

Ohh, yes! Yes, yes!

Ohh, yes! Yes, yes!

So what're we gonna do?

I never have to listen to you again, do I?

With your, "You're no son of mine, you miserable little worm.

You've been a disappointment to me since the day your mother... farted you out of her womb."

Good idea! All right, hurry up.

I need something to glue the mustache down with.

I need things for the hair. Check.

Neville, that's good, mate. That's terrible.

Oh, no, those eyebrows are terrible.

Squint your eyes together. Like that?

Right like that. Hold that. Careful!

Glasses! Oh, yeah, get the glasses.

Give me cotton balls.

Hello, Inspector.

Let's compare them. Come on. Mr. McCain looks paler... much.

What do you think? He's dead, you idiot.

Oh, my God, it's not going to work. Oh, yes, it will.

No, no, no. We shall all go to jail. It's gonna go like clockwork.

Hello, Neville. Hello, Inspector.

That's very good! Do you have the will?

Yeah, yeah. Very good indeed. It's very short.

Yeah. The simpler it is, the more watertight.

So, we're going to set the zoo up as a trust... that's for all of us... and everything else goes to "my son Vincent McCain, absolutely."

You mean... we get the zoo? Yeah.

Let's get this body up to my office. Let's go!

Rollo, I don't think this is fair. Fair?

You get to run the zoo with Willa. Yes?

Well, I think I love her.

What? I love Willa.

Look... No, I love her.

No, I love her. Oh!

I love her. I love Willa!

Look, I get Willa, you get seven billion dollars.

Right. Right, okay. All right. Okay. There's the gun.

All right, everybody, here we go. Let's go.

Come along, come along. We haven't got much time.

I'm worried about fooling Neville. Neville's gonna be tough.

If I can get... Oh, my God!

Ah, Willa. Hello, Neville! Hello! Hello!

Hello, Neville. Excuse me, I'm going to go have a pee. I'll be right there.

Right, boss. Hi! Great to see you.

Huh! Hello. Willa Weston.

Chief Superintendent Masefield, Sgt. Scott and Sgt. Irving.

Uh, Rod will be with you in a moment.

I'll be a moment.

Power! Gets 'em every time.

Oh, yeah. Ahh, that's better. Aaaaah!

Aha-ha! Yeah!

Thank you, my dear. Hello, Neville.

Hello, Inspector. Mr. McCain, I'd like to introduce you to Inspector Masefield.

G'day. Good on ya.

Good outfit. It's an honor to meet you, Mr. McCain.

Well, goody. Hello, Neville.

Hello, Rod. Hello, Nev.

Have you spoken to Vince? Yes, I have.

Shall we arrest him now, sir? No, that won't be necessary.

Vince and I have had a long talk.

Between ourselves, it was quite, uh, emotional.

You haven't killed him, have you, Rod?

Nobody's killed anybody!

Moron!

Huh! No, I mean that we've had a reconciliation.

Isn't it wonderful? A reconciliation?

That's right, Neville. Back, Neville.

So you're not pressing charges? On the contrary, Inspector.

Not at all. But I would like your assistance.

I've just made out a new will and I'd like you gentlemen to witness it.

A new will? Bend down, Neville.

It would be a privilege, Mr. McCain. Thank you.

What do you mean, a new will?

As a result of my talk with Vince, I've decided to leave Octopus to him.

What? Hold still!

Leave Octopus to Vince? Shut up! He's a good boy.

Good boy? He's a total wanker, Rod!

I won't have you talk about him like that!

Rod... he steals from you.

That's only to get the attention that I should've given him when he was a child!

But you can't leave Octopus to that asshole!

That asshole is my son!

I love him.

But you're always saying what a complete wuss he is.

I am not... going to let you talk about him in that way.

Are you all right, mate? I'm feeling emotional.

Are you all right, mate? I'm feeling emotional.

What's that? It's where I keep my Kleenex.

He-He's very depressed, Neville. Depressed?

Isn't it wonderful to see a man get in touch with his feelings?

There's something going on here, Willa. Oh, I hope so.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I need to be alone.

Feeling a bit, uh... suicidal.

What? This isn't like Rod!

Psst! Hey! He's in the shed!

What? He's in the shed!

Gentlemen... I admit it.

I behaved disgracefully to my son in the past.

I don't know if I can live with myself.

So, uh... Going to the shed.

Mother always said that when you're naughty, you go to the shed.

God, I'm depressed!

Uuh!

Going to the shed.

Going really well. Where's the body? It's over there.

Come on, come on! Give it here.

Let's go! We gotta go!

Aah!

What is going on?

He and Vince did get very upset. It was so touching.

Oh, God. I've undervalued Vince's talent all these years.

And his extraordinary charm, let's not forget that.

What a dear boy he was, my Vince, and still is.

Good-looking young lad. Christ, he's attractive.

Such style! Where is Vince?

That's a good question. Vince?

I never went to one of my birthday parties, the bastard!

His! His! His birthday parties, the bastard!

I'm the bastard! I'm such a bastard I can't stand it anymore!

I can't face it! Oh, the shame!

I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I've got a pretty shrewd idea it's not gonna be very nice!

I'm taking the wuss's way out! Is he all right?

He's probably in one of his black moods.

What black moods?

End of the road! I can't take it any longer! I'm going to finish it now!

My God!

Has he got a gun? Gun? What gun?

Where's the gun? The gun!

What? Aah!

I'm at the end of the road! I'm very near the end.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna... I can see the end of the road.

I'm makin' up my mind. It's not an easy...

He's forgiven you. Be sensible!

Ah, at least, uh, it looks like the end of the road.

Now I'm thinkin' about it.

I'll make my mind up any moment now.

Bzz, bzz, bzz!

Do it again! Waah!

I love you, kid. Forgive me. Off! Off me!

Yeah, I, um, uh... l...

Oh, Mr. McCain!

Hurry! Hurry! Run! Come on!

Oh, no! Don't look!

Why were your men so slow? Sorry, we didn't realize...

This isn't Rod McCain. What?

I spent 15 years working at Octopus, and this isn't Rod McCa...

I was in the garden when I heard a gunshot... Father!

I'm afraid he's dead. Yes. No! No!

No! Wha... What are you doing?

Aah! He shot himself.

No! Why? Wha...

He wasn't in one of his black moods, was he?

He just couldn't live with what he'd done to you.

But I'd forgiven him. Oh, Dad! I know.

Dad! Dad!

Vince.

What? There's something that you should know.

What? He left Octopus to you.

Oh ho ho! So he did love me after all!

You're fired.


There's something I need to ask you. Yeah?

It's about sex.

What?

Look, I know what you like.

When we first called, you had three women in your bed.

What? Remember Mitzi and Suzie and Cindy?

Oh, oh, n-no, no. I can... And then when we came to your room... you had at least four girls in the bathroom.

Oh... D... They were all over you in the cage.

In the... No, well, I mean... And then the other night in the hotel, you had the two girls as well as the "baa-aa."

Uh, ah... Look, Willa...

Look, Rollo, I really like you.

But I was just wondering... if one woman could ever be enough... for a man like you?

Oh, what the hell. Let's give it a try.

But I have to warn you, Wanda... Willa.

Willa, Willa.

I haven't slept with one woman for a very, very long time.

Mmm!