First Period (2013) Script

[rock music]

♪ Well, I met him in first period ♪

♪ The way he looked it really flipped my lid ♪ Dear diary, Hey, it's me! Cassie!

I thought it was important to tell you about a major milestone coming up.

See, it's my sweet sixteen.

That's right, diary.

I'm turning 16 this weekend!

This is the point where I go from being a cute, fashion-savvy girl to a sensual, sexual fashion-forward woman.

I'm going to have a popular group of friends and super-hot hunky boyfriend before you know it.

I'm so excited, diary, except, the only problem is we just moved here, so I don't know anybody.

My mother lost her job so she moved us back to her old hometown.

Talk about worst timing ever!

But I'm going to look on the bright side.

New place, fresh face.

I'm going to have the best birthday party ever.

This is where it's all going to happen diary.

Cassie!

It's time for breakfast, sweetheart!

Well, I'm off, diary.

No need to wish me luck.

After all, I'm Cassie Glenn, totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome!

♪ ... You can spend the night and hold me tight ♪

♪ In my princess bed

♪ Now I see him in my civics class ♪

♪ So many questions that I want to ask ♪

♪ But I smile and choke up every time that I see him pass ♪

♪ I know we had a date and we stayed up late ♪

♪ He didn't want to drive so I asked him inside ♪

♪ Now I need him here in my life right now ♪

♪ Right now

♪ Thank God for my first period ♪

♪ He's the one I might have, he's the one in my bed ♪

♪ I hope and pray that I'm not late for my ♪

♪ Oh, first period

♪ First period

♪ First period

Oh honey, were you scribbling in that diary of yours again?

Good morning, Mother.

You better be careful or you're going to get arthritis.

And nobody's going to put a ring on raptor fingers.

Actually, I was documenting the fact that I have a very important milestone coming up in my young woman life this weekend.

Oh sweetheart, we talked about this.

[together, in sing-Song] ♪ When girls get hairy, ♪ They want to hump and marry

♪ Any boy or man

♪ They take off their clothes

♪ Snort coke up their nose

♪ And regret having sex in the can ♪ Yes, I know the nursery rhyme mother.

I passed puberty quite some time ago.

And I'm talking about a different milestone.

And I'm actually kind of curious about it.

That's my curious Cassie, always asking questions!

Like, "Why don't I look anything like you?"

"How come I don't have a father?"

"Why do I look like the girl on the milk carton?"

Oh, that reminds me.

I need milk.

Anyway, finders keepers.

End of discussion.

Okay, um, it's my birthday this weekend, the big 1-6.

The day I become a woman.

Oh, I remember the day I took you home from the hospital.

After having you, of course.

I'm not barren.

You're my joy.

My reason for living!

And that's why I've never regretted not taking you back.

But what does that have to do with...

Well, you're going to be late for school young lady.

I packed your lunch.

When you get to school, go straight to the guidance counselor's office and get your class schedule.

And don't forget to take your transcripts.

Okay, mother.

I love you.

I love you too, sweetheart.

And happy birthday.

It's this weeke-ow!

Rude!

Oh, they grow up so fast.

[vibraphone sting]

[synth music]

♪ Sexy people Okay Cassie, did you remember to bring the sexy?

I did, Cassie.

Oh, and look at that?

I brought extra.

Hey guys, what's the haps?

How's it hanging?

Where's the beef?

Clearly you must've eaten it.

What are you?

Rhetorical.

And why are you speaking to us?

Literal.

Hi, Cassie Glenn.

Totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

I'm new here.

First day.

Fresh meat.

Uh, I'm uh, Dirk.

Uh, this is Brett.

Is there something wrong with you?

Other than hating Mondays?

Am I right, new best friends?

And uh, this is Heather.

And Heather...

Oh my god, what is there an echo in here?

I'm totally kidding.

I love everything about you guys.

Sleepover at my place!

What?

Seriously though, is there something wrong with you?

Well, now that we're all acquainted, go away.

Actually, I'm looking for the guidance counselor's office, so if you guys could point me in the right direction, that'd be so totally rad of you.

Sure, it's right back wherever you came from.

So you should go there.

Ugh, I must've totally passed right by it.

Thank you!

Okay.

We're outta here.

Okay, well don't be a stranger.

I won't if you will.

♪ Yeah, you go girl

♪ Living in her own world Oh, excuse me.

Yes? I mean...

Okay.

I mean...

Whatever you want.

Oh, I haven't asked you anything yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Not a lot of people talk to me.

Oh, that's okay.

People talk to me all the time.

"What are you doing in there?

Get outta there! This is a funeral!"

Heh.

All a part of being so awesome, I guess.

I once took a nap on a park bench and people thought I was a dead body.

You do look really corpse-y.

But that's okay.

A good moisturizing routine will totally fix that.

Thanks.

I'll try that.

So anyway, back to me.

I'm new here and I'm trying to find the guidance counselor's office, but I cannot find it anywhere.

Oh, well I can take you there.

I mean I, I know where it is.

Oh my God, that'd be so totally awesome rad of you.

But don't you have a class or something?

Yeah, but...

They just think I'm a coat rack anyway.

It's the pointy shoulders.

So it's totally neat to meet you.

I'm Cassie Glenn, totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

Heh, I'm Margaret Tandice Obscenity Miller.

But most people just call me Maggie.

[squish noise]

Hey turdface!

Most people.

Neat.

So where are we headed new friend?

Human contact!

[vibraphone sting]

[voice on loudspeaker] Dean Smith to Principal McGee's office...

Again. [knocking at the door]

Come in.

Please, have a seat.

Hi, Cassie Glenn, totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire, you're welcome.

Oh, Cassie.

You must be the new student.

I'm Ms. Wood.

Welcome to Florence Fisher High.

I'm the guidance counselor here, so I'll be helping you to acclimate.

And you can feel free to talk to me about anything.

Oh!

When you're on your period, do you like to aggressively eat buffalo wings and pretend that they're people?

U-Um, no.

It makes me feel powerful.

Feeling powerful is a good thing, I think.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you're eating a hamburger, and then you're making out with a hamburger, and then other stuff happens?

No.

Me neither.

Do you think I would do well in prison?

Okay, uh, I am going to need to see your previous paperwork, records, documents...

Mother says documents only tell lies that keep us apart.

Ah, I see now.

Homeschooled.

Don't worry, I've dealt with your kind before.

We're going to get you taken care of.

Do you have anything that shows any previous work?

Oh, I do have something that shows my previous church work.

Oh, okay.

Let's see that.

This is just pictures of you dressed up like a nun.

Yeah.

With your fist in your mouth.

Uh huh.

I see you shaved your cat.

Oh, I don't have a cat.

You see, I was trying out for The Sisterhood of Optional.

Clothing.

It's a magazine for Catholic schoolgirls...

On girls, heh.

Oh, but it's totally tasteful.

Mostly.

Cassie, this is wrong.

Why?

Are you atheist?

No. Jewish?

No. Buddhist?

'Cause there's a fat guy...

Cassie, it's wrong because you shouldn't be dressing like this.

Aren't we all truly naked underneath the eyes of our creator?

Oh, and those that pay a monthly subscription fee of

$19.99?

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Totally outrageously priced.

But you have to ask yourself, do you want quality or unbleached anuses and c-section scars?

No, i-it's wrong because you're only 15 years old.

You're still a child.

Oh, I agree.

But Nadia's not a child.

Who's Nadia?

My pictorial persona.

She's a hardworking mother of three just trying to keep her babies fed on the mean streets of Chile.

Her no good husband left her for some puta with starry eyes for anyone with a guitar.

She bought him that guitar for their anniversary, and now she'll never hear the music again.

We ask ourselves, por que?

Cassie, honey.

These are bad people who con innocent girls into taking off their clothes for money.

But that's how all the great super rockin' superstar extraordinaires got their start.

They come from a past of pain, abuse and humiliation.

It's the filler for their first night of their four-part miniseries starring Kristy McNichol.

So I've really gotta get hopping.

Are you in or out?

No.

Fine, but as my manager...

Guidance counselor.

I just want to let you know that I'm not happy.

Do you know what 10% of nothing is?

Yes. It's negative ten.

No it's not.

So we'll say you owe me ten bucks.

I am not giving you money.

And we'll call this what it is.

Delusional?

But next time, let's bring our A-game.

We'll scrap the nudie magazine for now and maybe kick it up with a sex tape.

What's Rob Lowe doing?

Answer my vagina.

See where I'm going with this?

Here is your class schedule and a map of the school.

Legally I am supposed to tell you that if you have any problems feel free to come to me for assistance.

Oh.

Please don't.

Oh.

-[gasps] Oh, I gotcha.

If the office is rockin', don't come a knockin'?

Don't open the door for shakin' the floor?

If you put it in the pooper, that'd be super?

[laughs lightly]

Okay.

[vibraphone sting]

Absolutely not.

N-No!

It's not going to happen.

Why?

Well it's completely abnormal, and honestly it's just plain weird.

This is a female anatomy class.

Uh huh.

This is exactly the sort of thing you're supposed to know about.

I've never heard of anything called a "tampon" or why you'd need to change one.

That sounds more like drug talk.

That I know about.

Bathroom request denied.

You do your angel dust at home, junkie.

[door creaks open] First...

Oh God, another one.

Look at what the fat ass dragged in!

[scattered laughter]

Where's the beef?

I don't know, she must've eaten it all, am I right?

[laughs]

It was really funny when you said that earlier.

Yeah, o-okay.

There's an empty seat next to the coat rack in the back.

Rad.

-[sighs]

Oh, hey Mags.

Hey Cassie.

Oh, I'm so excited we have our first period together.

Oh sweetie, mine's not for a couple more days.

But don't worry, we'll totally sync up, and then we'll show.

Hanes who's way it is.

Am I right?

[laughing]

Well when that happens, I have some old cotton balls in my backpack from an art project.

Just in case.

That is so sweet!

But I have a rolled up sock and some duct tape in case of emergencies.

You're so resourceful.

What can I say?

Girl Scouts.

I didn't know you were in Girl Scouts.

Why, what have you heard?

[slapping sounds]

I'll repeat myself for those of you who weren't listening!

I wasn't, I swear!

Who are you?

I'm Maggie.

Maggie Miller?

I've been in your class the whole time.

Oh, yes.

Coat rack.

Well, there must be some mistake.

This is a female human anatomy class, okay?

All boys should be in P.E. this hour.

But I'm a girl.

Really?

For how long?

Forever.

Oh my God, I am so sorry.

Let this hideously deformed girl be a lesson to all of you: beauty is only skin deep, and ugliness is just right above that on the surface where we all have to look at it.

But, thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery, she can fix the damage her grotesqueness does to society.

And that's called accountability, girls.

Uh, Mr. Klein...

What?

I don't feel that's an appropriate thing to say.

Why?

I said she could fix it.

Society already puts too much pressure on women to look a certain way, and isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder anyways?

Nonsense!

Nobody wants to behold ugly people.

Or look at them.

And b-but before you go burning your bra over that one, it's, it's called an elective surgery, okay?

That means she can electively change all the things we tell her to.

Okay, n-now let's all settle down, okay?

We're all making the she-beast very uncomfortable.

[giggling]

Yes, beautiful blonde girl?

I think any woman would so be totally smart for doing it.

If all of the ugly people in the world just fixed themselves, then nobody would make fun of them anymore and we'd have nothing but beautiful people to look at and we'd all be totally happy and stop killing each other.

Mm.

Pretty people don't kill.

Only jealous uggos do.

Yeah, death to the fat ones!

Well, that's why we're here in this class.

We're going to learn about the female human anatomy, what's biologically wrong with it, and one day hope to find a cure.

Let's watch a film.

[clapping]

[projector whirring]

[upbeat orchestral music]

[narrator] This is Jenny.

Jenny's turning 16 years old today.

She is transitioning from girlhood to womanhood.

A transition girls have been preparing for since the beginning of time. [Alarm Clock Rings]

Since time began so long ago, it's hard to say when it exactly started, so we won't.

And now we're here, in the now.

As girls to soon become women.

But don't jump the gun yet, missy.

That's impolite.

And you'll become barren.

Now, listen closely as I tell you a secret.

Since childhood, every girl dreams for the day when she can grow to be a wife and a mother.

But being a woman hasn't always come so easy.

Women are historically known for having to endure extreme measures to survive and protect themselves against things like snowstorms, tsunamis, meteors, hurricanes, radiation, famine, Koreans, rock and roll, mouth, excessive bacon, colic, toxic waste, vodka tonics, rabid bats, Dracula, and drugs.

Oh, what a marvelous survivor a woman is.

All while staying the pinnacle of beauty, grace, and poise.

The idolization of her peers.

The admiration of her family.

The popularization of all mankind.

And she's pretty too.

Oh, becoming a woman.

Beauty, poise, grace, Dracula, popular, beauty, poise, grace, Dracula, popular, popular, popular...

Happy birthday, Cassie.

You look amazing!

Wow, this is the best sweet 16 party ever.

Thanks for coming, Maggie.

I hope you're having a great time.

Wow Cassie, what a great sweet 16 party.

You're so cool and popular.

I wish I could be you.

Thanks Heather.

It's really rad of you to notice.

You are so, like, totally amazing Cassie.

I too wish I could be you as well.

Like, for sure.

Thanks other Heather.

I'll just try to be me.

Happy birthday Cassie.

We brought you a present.

Thanks Brett, what is it?

Sex.

We both want to make love to you at the same time, and then...

To each other.

While you watch.

And then, I'm going to marry you and have sex with you again like in those videos your mom keeps hidden behind the VCR.

Thanks boys, you didn't have to get me anything.

And then I'm going to give you a massage.

For hours.

I know how sore you get.

I do have insufficient lumbar support.

Thanks boys.

I appreciate it.

Hey Dracula, what are you doing here?

Cassie, I've come to take you away and make you young and beautiful forever, blah!

Thanks Dracula, have some cake.

[sneeze]

Cake!

[bell rings]

-[clears throat] Ladies!

Don't forget, you're reading chapters three through five about the human female life cycle!

It's mandatory, for some reason.

A-And you two!

I'm warning you.

I don't like troublemakers.

I don't like tapioca.

Now we both don't like something.

[door creaks shut]

[slide guitar sting]

I mean...

I don't know if he likes me or not.

I mean I know he's a teacher so he has to be discreet...

And he did throw a book at my head one time.

When I was little, the boys on the playground used to push me down all the time.

But that's just 'cause they didn't know how to express themselves.

They'd tell me to stop stealing their underwear.

They really meant their hearts.

Sometimes love hurts, Maggie.

Just grab something in the room and do something weird with it.

Oh, salutations class!

Salutations!

[scattered voices] - Good morning, Ms. Mallow.

Wasn't she fired?

Oh, isn't this the most magnificent day to create?

I can feel the life energy in this class and...

God, it invigorates me!

Oh, yes!

I live off of your youthful essences.

Oh, Arturo.

The curse of every painter is thine.

The cursed white wall.

Is it purity that we dare not step on the freshly lain snow?

Or is it the ever expanding void that we drown in its limbo.

Break free, Arturo!

Break free!

Oh!

[laughing]

Yes!

Death to the white void!

Yes!

You're indeed a warrior!

[grunts]

And, what have we here?

Making a doll out of the body fluid and hair of my enemies.

-[laughs]

They will feel my torment and rage.

Oh!

I also used a double half-knotted cross-stitch and stuffed it with pine needles, so it smells like Christmas.

-[gasping]

Oh!

What have we here?

Is there a new fledgling in our nest?

[cackles]

Let me flock to you, childling.

Let me flock to you!

Oh...

And who might you be?

Cassie Glenn, totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

Oh my God, my God look, Cassie, darling.

Look at your beautiful face!

I can see so much in it.

All of your pain and your fear.

[Cassie grunts] - You have come to the right place to create and together we will touch your soul.

[gasps] reach, reach high into your soul!

I release you!

This is no mere art class.

Your teacher is your art.

Not me.

I am only here to be a seeker to help you find your flame, and I can see your flame, Cassie, and it burns bright.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Alright, my class, my darlings.

Twinkle while I am gone, you Christmas lights.

I must away to ready the auditorium for Friday's great event.

Au revoir!

Au revoir!

[class] Goodbye! Bye!

So what's happening Friday?

Oh, it's just this talent show thing.

It's stupid.

-[gasps] It's perfect!

I mean it's perfect!

That's what I meant to say it was, it's perfect, yeah.

Wait, why?

Maggie, my sixteenth birthday is this Saturday.

Oh happy birthd-

Saturday.

Right, sorry.

So if I want everyone to come to my birthday party by Saturday, that only leaves me five days to become popular.

Well, how do you plan to become popular in five days?

It's just as easy as becoming a total rockin' superstar extraordinaire, you're welcome.

A totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire, because i...

You know one?

Oh my God, is it Alf?

No, I am one!

Cassie Glenn, totally rockin superstar extraordinaire!

You're welcome!

Thank you.

Look, first of all, we have to wear the totally coolest clothes ever.

And check on that one, because, heh...

No, I'm wearing them.

Are they mixed in with the...

I am fashion-forward!

You got it.

Let's just move on to point two.

We have to date totally hot super-hunky guys.

Well the hottest guys in school are Dirk and Brett, but they're dating the Heathers.

Which leads me to point three: we have got to get in the cool group.

And kill them.

No.

Well, what does this have to do with the talent show on Friday?

That's the final nail in the coffin.

So we are killing them.

We are not killing anyone, Maggie.

Sorry.

We can't just look cool, Maggie.

We have to be cool.

And so, when I show my super-hot radness on the talent competition on Friday, it'll be official that I'm...

We had an alibi for the night...

We are not killing anyone, Maggie!

-[nervous laughter]

You think maybe if I did all those things that, uh, I could be popular too?

Oh, I don't know.

I've never thought about doing anything that benefits others before.

Oh.

Well, why not?

If Ebenezer Scrooge can banish those demons and save all the Jews in time for Christmas, then so can I!

That's not how it happened.

Well, we'd better start working on our talent if we're performing together this Friday, partner.

Oh my God!

Cassie, thank you so much!

-[Brett laughs]

Oh, well this is too good to be true.

Wait until Heather gets a load of this.

A load of what?

Don't mind us.

Why are you rubbing that?

But don't stop.

[breathing heavily]

[wooshing sound]

God, I can't stand that fat cow, -[laughs and growls]

Who does she think she is?

Besides enormous?

Totally.

They seem nice.

They seem like they need to be locked up.

At a fat camp.

For fatties.

Good one!

The other one looks like she's dying.

Someone should go the hospital and give her some antibiotics.

Well, I uh, overheard them talking in art class.

Apparently the chubby one is making a plan to become popular in five days.

Something about a birthday party on Saturday.

-[scoffs]

Are you kidding me?

Mm.

Nobody can become popular that fast.

[scoffs] Or in her case, ever.

Well, she's new here.

Maybe she just wants friends.

I think we should be nice to her.

Oh, sweetie.

What did we say about saying things that make me angry?

Uh...

To stop talking and take my shirt off.

Oh.

[light laughter]

Now, tell us more about this plan of theirs.

-[laughs]

I don't think it works that way.

But if she takes off the bow, she looks just like him.

I know, but I don't think that makes Pac Man gay.

Then why do they have to have separate games?

I'll tell you why: 'cause he loves to gobble those balls

[laughs]

[imitating pac man noise]

This makes me uncomfortable.

So what are we going to do about a talent for the competition on Friday?

I mean, granted I'm amazing at everything, but...

♪ ...oh yeah, things are getting cool so turn up the heat ♪

♪ I'm on top. I'm on top.

♪ When the ladies...

I see someone likes a little dark meat with their chicken breasts.

Are you talking about my areolas?

No.

They're like silver dollar pancakes that got burnt.

And they kept cooking them.

You're making me hungry, Maggie.

No, I was talking about that hottie dipped in chocolate over there.

Oh, him, no, no.

I wasn't looking at him like that.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I think it's legal now.

You know, with Whoopi Goldberg and all?

No it's...

Rapping.

I mean, I know it's silly, but I've just always wanted to do it.

Maggie, I think that's one of those things that it's okay if they do it, but if we do it then we're racist.

But it would be so much fun!

I mean, I have daydreams about it, just getting up there, showing myself to the world.

No one can stop me.

Now that sounds like a totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire.

You think so?

You're welcome so.

-[laughing] No, no, no.

I couldn't do it.

A rap battle.

What?

Rap battle!

[gong sounds]

Rap battle?

Rap battle.

Rap battle.

[hip hop beat]

♪ Hey there girly, you think you're a match ♪

♪ In your thrift-store clothes with your stank-ass snatch? ♪

♪ I'm on top, I'm on top

♪ You wanna step to me, you're gonna get bopped ♪

♪ Your clock is broken and so is your face ♪

♪ You're running outta time and I'm on your case ♪

♪ You try and act tough, but you're easy to beat ♪

♪ Hell, you're the kind of thug you'd find on Sesame Street ♪

♪ I'm on top

♪ I'm on top!

♪ This battle's heating up, someone call a cop ♪

♪ I'm killing these rhymes so I should be in jail ♪

♪ I'll take the top bunk, watch you piss in a pail ♪

♪ I'm freakin' Al Capone and you're Lizzie Borden ♪

♪ Shut up sucker, 'cause I paid off the warden ♪

♪ Put your head in a pillow, make you wear a skirt ♪

♪ I'll spit on my hand, but it's still gonna hurt ♪

♪ Take it out on your ass like a three-dollar snitch ♪

♪ Get ready to cry 'cause you're my prison bitch ♪

♪ I'm gonna rape you, I'm gonna rape you ♪

♪ Scare you, tear you, duct tape you ♪

♪ Yeah you try and resist, and your point is valid ♪

♪ But shut up, bitch, you're gonna toss my salad ♪

♪ I'm on top

Maggie you did it!

That was amazing, I'm so proud of you.

I did it!

I actually did it!

Oh my God, do you think I went too far?

Probably.

I couldn't understand anything you two were saying.

I have a really hard time with rhyming.

But you looked amazing.

I feel amazing!

Hey ladies.

Oh hey Dirk.

Sorry I didn't see you coming, heh.

But I'd like to.

No!

I'm sorry, I know you two are dating, I...

Actually, we just broke up.

We're better off as friends.

Isn't that right, Dirk.

Um...

Yeah.

Oh, hm, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Me and Brett just broke up too.

Yeah, I figured that'd happen sooner or later.

What?

I saw what you did a minute ago, Maggie.

That was pretty, uh, rad.

-[nervous laughter]

You talked really fast and it rhymed!

I... Like... Going... Thing... Heh.

So, what the boys were wondering, if it would be okay for them to ask you out on a date tonight.

And of course we said yes.

We don't normally just let anyone take out our exes, but you two are pretty cool.

I mean I'm not doubting that, but, you really think we're cool?

For sure.

Oh my God, is she okay?

Yes.

She's just...

Praying.

I think she peed herself.

What?

Oh.

Um, no.

That is not pee.

That is...

Sexy juice.

[scoffs]

I mean...

You know what they say, whenever the basement's flooding, the...

The pipes need banging.

Great.

You write down your address and the boys will be by around

7:30 to pick you up?

That is perfect.

I can tell we're all going to be really good friends.

Not!

Much time for you to get ready, so you girls better get to it.

Bye!

-[snorts]

What happened?

Well, you sexy-juiced all over yourself, we have a date tonight with the two hottest guys, and we're practically besties with the two most popular girls in school.

I told you I'd have us popular in no time.

-[laughs]

How could I have ever doubted you?

Well we'd better go shopping and get some date outfits.

And a shower.

Your sexy juice really reeks.

I eat a lot of sexy asparagus.

[laughing]

But he'd kill you!

Only at first.

But then I'd be yours forever.

What's this?

Don't touch that!

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

It's my diary.

But we're friends, so I can trust you.

I swear to you, Cassie Glenn.

Totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire, you're welcome.

I will never do anything to betray our friendship.

We should take a blood oath.

[gasps]

That's okay, I trust you.

Oh, well, if you want, how about I tell you something really embarrassing about me?

-[gasps]

That'd be hilarious, you should do that!

Okay, um, I've never had my period.

[light laughter]

You've never had your monthly visitor?

Surfed the crimson tide?

Had lunch with Aunt Flo?

Partied at Club Menses?

Ridden the cotton pony?

Took Carrie to the prom?

Saddled up old rusty?

Teased vampires?

Had a massacre at the Y?

Gagged your growler?

Bled the lining of your uterus through the opening of your vagina during a monthly cycle?

Um, sometimes when I sneeze really hard, I pee.

Does that count?

Well that's a start.

It's no big deal.

That's what my mom says, but, all those other girls have great big boobs and big bloody vaginas, and I'm just like...

When's it my turn?

Oh Maggie, you're probably just not ready yet.

But I am ready, cass.

I want to meet a boy.

Fall in love, get married, but then realize he's cheating on me, but I'll look the other way.

I've got to keep this marriage together.

His parents would never let us divorce.

I know he resents me because I couldn't carry the baby to full term.

Of course he won't even think about adoption, but...

I can take care of this Asian baby myself.

I have so much love to give, and with the money from his life insurance plan, well...

He'd just have to go away, heh.

I'll run away with the mailman.

I know he loves me.

He brings me all those nice things, and values me, and damn it, that's what Pei-Ling needs in a father figure!

Maybe we shouldn't tell people that story.

I realize that now.

Oh Cassie sweetheart, those two handsome boys are here.

Oh, that's something.

My little girl going on her first date!

Mom, this isn't my first date.

What about the boy at the seafood restaurant?

The one who was choking on a scallop?

He was choking?

Yes, you gave him CPR.

I gave him 3rd base.

And my number, but he never called.

Oh sweetie, he died.

Oh, that explains so much now.

Anyway, you girls look just gorgeous.

Like those fabulous actresses on tv.

What, I can't do film?

Thanks Mrs. Glenn.

Oh please, call me Mom.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Do it!

-[screams] Mom!

Come on, Maggie.

We can't keep those guys waiting.

[vibraphone sting]

Cass, I can't do this.

I'm nervous, I'm sweating...

I'm feeling really gassy.

Oh, you're doing great.

Just go for his crotch like it's a taffy pull.

Guys love that.

Oh yeah, whisper.

I totally can't hear what you two are saying.

Oh, I can.

I'm a really good lip reader.

I'm psychic!

Quick, tell me what I'm thinking.

I don't think that's how psychic works.

And I should know.

I'm 1/18th gypsy sea-hag on my mother's side.

Hey Dirk, can you tell what I'm thinking?

No.

But I think a professional might need to.

Hey.

Why don't we play a good old fashioned game of truth or dare to break the ice?

Oh, Brett loves truth or dare.

We play it all the time when we hang out at his place, and he dares me to do all kinds of crazy stuff, like take my shirt off, and take my pants off, oh, and pull out my...

Okay!

We all know how it goes.

Don't ask, don't tell, right Brett?

Well I'm certainly game.

For anything.

Oh!

Okay.

Me too!

[giggles]

[sizzling]

[gasps]

♪ I need you want you all to myself ♪

♪ My rod is crying out to you ♪

♪ Your flower is about to bloom ♪

♪ Let it bloom for me... ♪ Okay.

I'll go first so your ladies get an idea of how we play.

I'm sensing it involves a lot of rough trade and vaseline.

Ha ha!

And we're starting.

Dirk!

Truth or dare?

Dare.

Brett says I can't pick truth 'cause it's stalling.

I dare you to kiss Cassie.

Done.

Oh, my, no...

Wait!

Wait...

Right, I'm sorry.

He didn't say where.

On the lips.

We talking upper, or...

Oh, my God, no.

Just, just a kiss.

I can't.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

It's not right, Brett.

Dirk!

What did you say when you talk out of line.

-[sighs]

Yeah.

I like where this is going.

And I know where this is going.

You do.

-[grunts]

She does.

Oh...

No, she doesn't.

I do!

Look, you're both hurting right now.

You just got dumped by the Heathers and you're on a rebound.

That is such a turn-on.

Broken hearts and crushed spirits.

Needing anything to fill the void and stop the pain.

See, I understand, because I imagine what it's like to have a husband and an Asian baby...

Don't you tell that story!

Don't you tell that story!

-[nervous laughter]

And I was hoping that you...

Could help me fill that hole.

Shut up, cow!

You shut up, you lady anus.

Maggie, I need you.

[sensual music]

I'm ready!

I'm ready Brett!

The flower may be wilting, its pedals like damp leather.

But just like Nelson Mandela it can set you free.

[moaning]

I'm ready my prince.

Oh my prince, give it to me.

Give it to me.

Come on, take it, take it, take, ahh, take it.

No!

No, no, no, I can't do it!

No, ugh.

Look, I don't care what the Heathers want.

I don't understand.

The Heathers wanted us to take you guys out so we could find out what you're doing for the talent competition.

It's just business.

But I was going to give you my business!

I was going to let you park in my garage!

Who knows, maybe even visit the car port around back.

I don't know how sex works!

They don't make a barbie doll that prepares you for this.

You mean to tell me that you two did this just to get a leg up in the competition?

Well I've got news for you boys.

The only legs up around here are going to be ours, and I don't know which way I mean that anymore.

Agh!

Come on, Maggie.

We're leaving.

I feel awful.

Yeah, well, at least we uh, got what we came for.

Speaking of which...

I think I just want to go home.

Okay buddy.

I'll even lick your back until you fall asleep.

You're a good friend.

I think at lunch time, we should rehearse our rap a little more.

I've got to learn to make my booty bounce without letting out a tooter.

Cassie, have you noticed anything weird with all the other students?

They all seem to be looking at us.

Dirty whores!

Slutty sluts!

Go back to Slutsville!

I wonder if we're popular now.

I don't think that's it.

Sluts.

And I found this in my locker.

I know, I put it there.

Oh.

Whores!

Oh!

I wanted to be the first to invite you.

Aw, thank you.

Slutty whores!

We heard you!

Jeez, I was just checking.

Bitch.

♪ So you want to be popular ♪ I don't know...

Something strange is definitely going on.

I swear I thought you were asleep and I just wanted to try it.

Wait, what are you talking about?

I don't know if you don't.

[crying]

[class bell rings] - Okay, let's settle down.

I know we all want to talk about how the new girl and her ugly aunt are grody, boyfriend-stealing whores, but we can't.

I just found out.

That's outrageous!

We didn't do that!

I have done a lot of things, sir.

Oh, but I did not steal anyone's boyfriends.

They asked us out.

Tell 'em, Heather!

When they picked us up for school this morning...

I found these in their back seat!

Oh, okay.

That's where that sour milk smell is coming from.

Ugh!

They said you asked them for a ride home from school, and then just threw yourselves at them like rabid sweaty beavers!

-[crying]

You know, this reminds me of something that someone once told a friend of mine, and because of which, we're no longer friends.

Now, often in women's prisons, they will get the ladies to open up about their feelings when tensions are high and periods are period-ing.

You know, get them to talk about what bothers them about each other.

This of course lead to a rise in shower-shanking and finger rape, but let's give it a try and see if it goes differently.

Now, let's start with ourselves.

I want you all to name your vaginas.

You know, because your...

Your vagina, that's that, that is, that's the center, you know, of the problem.

I mean, let's face it.

I mean it's just.

It's gross to look at and... Euh.

But maybe if we give it a nice name, we won't feel so bad about ourselves and take it out on other people.

So let's give it a try, shall we?

Well, I'd name mine Heather.

And I think that it's time I really got to know who Heather is.

I think we'd all like to get to know Heather a little bit better.

Know what I mean?

-[disgusted sigh]

Well, I'd name mine...

Been there, done that.

Gah, don't even think about it!

Whatever you're about to say will haunt me for the rest of my life.

You literally make me vomit in my mouth just by looking at you.

Gotcha.

In private. [smack noise]

Stay away from me.

I'd name mine "penis" because it holds as much power as one, despite its actual physicality.

But it's not one, right?

I mean, you don't actually have one, do you?

Well I'd name mine...

Sloppy seconds!

Open 24 hours!

Degrading to women!

The town bicycle!

Mr. Klein!

Because everyone wants a ride!

Cassie!

I'm sorry, it's a funny joke.

Well, all this talk is making me sick to my stomach.

Let's all read chapters six through nine for the remainder of class while I look through the classifieds and hunt for a real person's job.

What are we going to do, Cassie?

Everybody hates us.

[scoffs] Well we can't give up now.

Look at Frankenstein.

Everyone thought he was a monstrous abomination.

But he was.

A whole town was against him, even wanted to kill him.

He drowned a girl and strangled some guy.

But did he let that stop him?

Yes!

Yes, they killed him!

They set him on fire!

Maggie, the point is I haven't seen that movie and it sounds hilarious, and I think we should watch it at my place tonight.

♪ Love love, love yeah

♪ Love love love, love love ♪

♪ Love love love love, love you ♪

♪ Love her, but you don't love me too ♪

♪ We were close, we were friends, we said "I love you" ♪

♪ You said we were lovers, then you said I do ♪

♪ But for someone else, ♪ You said it for someone else ♪

♪ Love love

♪ Love love

♪ Love love...

[slide guitar sting]

You boys have a lot of nerve showing up today.

But we go to school here?

Dirk, what do we say about stating the obvious?

No, that's not a thing.

Oh.

No.

Leave it off.

Brett!

Brett!

We're willing to forgive you if you just tell us why you did it.

No.

I accept your apology.

Look, let's not make this any more complicated than what it is.

What are your names again?

Maggie!

Sometimes I go by Cassandra 'cause it sounds more exotic.

I mean, can't we just go back to being friends?

But we were never friends.

And we should go back to being that.

That is no way to speak to a lady.

Oh, you're right.

Thank god I don't see one.

Oh my God, he's blind.

It's just a phrase, you idiots.

Oh, real mature Brett.

Making fun of blind people?

You're lucky they can't see you talk about them like that.

[clicks tongue]

[clicks tongue]

Not cool, man!

Oh, you hang in there Heather.

You're beautiful on the inside and the outside.

Yes.

Heather thanks you for your keen observation.

You may leave now.

How long are you going to milk this?

-[scoffs]

Until I win the talent competition.

Duh!

Why do you want to win this talent thing so bad, anyway?

Because, pookums, that's my chance to show everybody I'm not just beautiful, I'm talented also.

Well, what are you going to do?

Modeling.

[both laughing]

That's not a talent.

If it isn't a talent, then how come everybody in the world isn't a model?

Huh...

Exactly!

Thank you!

You're so right.

Oh my God.

You're so totally going to win.

-[gasps] I know!

We should throw a party to celebrate!

Tomorrow.

Wait, isn't the talent contest Friday?

God, Dirk.

Be more supportive?

My parents are still out of town.

We could throw it at my place.

And I know just who not to invite.

-[giggles]

God Heather, you're such a bitch.

I know.

[both giggling]

This is just what we needed, Maggie.

A girls-only slumber night?

It'll totally cheer us up.

Well I know what'll really cheer us up.

You know where the hot angry homeless guy outside of the supermarket lives?

Why would that cheer you up?

I have my reasons.

Well I was going to say winning the talent competition and becoming so popular that all the hot guys will want to date us.

And maybe we'll get discovered and be big stars.

Ooh, and we can buy mansions with swimming pools and butlers and servants.

Well, if we're going to win, we need awesome costumes.

[upbeat music]

♪ We are girls

♪ We are girls

♪ We are girls

♪ Put the boys in a trance, suffer through menstrual cramps ♪

♪ Show the world we can dance ♪

♪ We are girls and we are who we are ♪

♪ Yeah, we'll go pretty far and leave emotional scars ♪

♪ We are girls

♪ We are girls

♪ Girls

Cassie, I don't know if I'm being just paranoid, but...

Dracula again?

No, no.

The other students.

There aren't any.

Oh my God, what if we're dead.

Maggie, I'm sure if we were dead there'd be a lot more fire and screaming.

You know, when I die, I hope I get to haunt Whoopi.

Goldberg.

Like in "Ghost."

Oh, she's so talented.

[Fat Albert impression] What you talkin' about Maggie?

Hey hey hey!

That's not her.

[upbeat piano music]

Well there's nobody in here either!

What if they all died?

What if we're the only people left on earth?

How are we gonna live?

What are we gonna eat?

I don't know!

If everyone's dead there's no way to find out what happened, so we're just going to have to repopulate the earth or something.

Oh my God, we're totally going to have to les out.

[yelps] [loud piano noise]

My gems...

What are you two doing here?

I thought you'd be gone with everyone else.

Where is everyone else?

To be honest, I don't know.

And I've been breathing in a lot of paint thinners, so...

Everything is kind of rainbows!

[laughing giddily]

But you know, when I need answers, I go here.

[laughing]

I'll call ahead and book you an appointment.

[sharp musical sting]

Now fly, my sparrows!

Flitter!

Flock!

I'm so high.

[harp glissando]

Hello?

Oh, this is so exciting, Cass.

I've always wanted to see Madam Mulva.

I've always considered myself a little bit psychic.

Oh, I don't know.

You don't seem that crazy.

No, psychic, not psycho.

Okay, don't get crazy, crazy.

You said it, not me.

Hello?

Madam Mulva?

Maybe we have to like, rub a lamp or something.

No, you're thinking of a genie.

Welcome, Cassie and Maggie!

I've been expecting you!

From beyond the grave?

No, no, you're thinking of a ghost.

I am Ma...

Demon!

No, no!

No, no, no!

I'm Madam Mulva.

Ms. Mallow called me.

Cassie, this is Madam Mulva, the psychic we're here to see.

Oh my God, are you going to fatten us up and eat us?

I'm not a witch.

No, she thinks you're a cannibal.

Yeah.

Wait, is that the one that has sex with the dead bodies.

Well, technically you could do both.

I mean, whatever you choose to do with a body before you eat it is up to you.

Oh.

Okay, so I'm confused.

Aren't you Cassie and Maggie, my 12 o'clock?

Oh my God, you really are psychic!

You know, I've always wanted to meet a psychic.

I've always considered myself a little bit psychic.

Oh, don't worry.

She doesn't mean the stabby-stab kind.

But you already know that, because you know everything.

Because you're psychic, which you know already.

Which is why we're here.

Oh my God, are you reading my mind?

Why are you staring at me like that?

I'm trying to communicate with you telepathically.

Well stop it!

Oh my God, when you said that I stopped.

You are a really powerful psychic.

I bow to you, oh master.

Oh no, no.

No bowing, you don't need to bow.

Okay.

So, let's just sit and have a nice chat.

Uh, not telepathically.

Okay.

I'll give you a basic reading.

Ugh, I hate reading.

No, no, she's going to read us.

Ooh, girl!

Okay, so.

Everyone from your school has disappeared.

How did you know that?

So psychic.

What did you do with them you sick bitch?

She thinks you're the bad guy from "Die Hard."

-[scoffs]

Your teacher called me and said everyone from your school has disappeared.

Now, if this is true, shouldn't you call the police?

Oh my God, you can see into the past and tell us what we should've done?

You are amazing!

Oh, let's just get this over with.

Do either of you have something personal from one of the disappeared?

Oh!

Oh, thank you.

Cassie, where did you get this?

They were hanging all over the school.

Well why didn't you tell me anything?

Well you heard the flyer.

I can't tell you about it.

I'm not even supposed to know.

Well thank God for Madame Mulva's psychic power sensing this party or we never would've known about it.

I can see why they didn't want to invite you.

Okay, we get it, you're psychic.

Now is not the time.

We're very upset.

Look, you seem like nice girls.

I know what it's like to be picked on in high school and you're popular with the football team and all the girls hate you 'cause you're a slut, and then you don't get invited to parties.

Because you're one of the undead.

How are you not getting what a psychic is?

How did you get to this planet, and whose face did you steal?

-[quietly] what?

Body snatcher.

Okay, you want some advice?

I'll give you some advice.

You gotta stop caring about what everyone's telling you to do.

The world is going to eat you alive unless you learn to stand up for yourselves and assert yourselves.

Nobody is gonna rescue you.

[spits]

You have got to rescue you.

And don't take any crap from anybody.

You need to become a teen...

Witch.

I sensed you were going to say that.

No!

Teen bitch!

I sensed that too.

And don't let these girls take advantage of you.

You show them who the real bitches are!

That's great advice.

Thanks, creepy laundry lady.

Maggie, I think we've got a party to crash.

-[sighs]

Oy, I need to go back to doing phone sex.

[bouncy rock music]

Great party, Heather.

Yeah, this party is wicked cool.

Thanks for coming.

Glad you're having a good time.

Don't forget to vote for me in the talent competition on Friday.

Hm, you know, this whole ordeal made me realize something about myself.

That eventually your time on this Earth will expire and you'll have to return to the darkness from where you came?

Oh my God, 'cause you're so funny!

No.

It made me realize that I really do care about people.

Because when I thought that they didn't care about me, that made me feel bad.

And I care too much about me to let that happen.

Sometimes, I just think I care too much.

Oh my God!

Heather, you're going to make me cry!

Hey, turn that up!

♪ You're a freak

♪ Make it freakin' hot

♪ Show the goods, show them you are prime ♪

♪ You're a freak

♪ Make your freaking life

[sensual music]

Hey, who's the hot girl?

Does she go to our school?

Oh my God, it's Cassie Glenn!

Looking good, Cassie.

Thanks, I have a reflection.

Wow, Cassie, you're like totally hot.

Better get out your thermometer.

Who's that other girl?

Too hot to handle.

Oh, someone's working it.

That's right my ni-

Don't get crazy.

Sorry.

I love "Jumping Jack Flash."

Hey Steve.

Do you mind if I borrow some lip balm?

My lips are really dry.

Sure.

Thanks.

-[muffled scream]

Thanks, that's better.

Oh hey, hey.

Could I have some gum?

My breath is really stinky.

Oh, uh, this is nicotine gum.

I'm trying to quit smoking.

Oh, I love nicotine.

Yeah, so did my dad just before he died from lung cancer.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Here's your gum.

Enjoy.

Well I don't want it now.

Okay, so everything is going great so far.

Well what about phase two?

Is that where we shit in the pool?

No, that's a number two.

Phase two is where we make Brett and Dirk jealous they ever dumped us.

Right.

Wait, I thought that was plan B.

No, plan B is what we do in case plan a fails.

Then what was plan A?

The makeover and the pool party crashing.

Right, so now we shit in the pool.

U-Uh, we'll just call that a plan B.

I know.

Okay, we're getting off track.

Brett and Dirk are over there.

Let's make our move.

Hey Maggie...

You know what comes before part B?

[both] Part-A!

[upbeat music]

Hello boys.

Oh, hey Cassie.

Hey Maggie, wow.

You girls look amazing.

Like totally hot.

Thanks Dirky.

We are totally hot.

So hot.

And not at all conceited.

I wish there was a way we could cool down.

Oh, t-there's a pool.

Or ice.

Ah, Brett has air conditioning.

I think I had something else in mind.

[snaps fingers]

[both moaning]

Is this what you had in mind Cassie?

[moaning]

Oh, it's so cold I can't stand it.

Here Maggie, have some.

[moaning]

Oh, oh, that's, that's just what I need in my face hole.

Ahh.

That's okay.

I don't need a whole popsicle to satisfy me, on account of my crooked vagina and sensitive gag reflex.

[gagging]

Eh, oh just right.

Yeah.

Oh oh, oh work the tip.

Oh, gets me hot.

Ooh, ooh it's so hot.

-[gagging]

[both oohing and aahing]

[both moaning]

I think it's time you both left.

You're not wanted here.

So put your ugly monkey back on its leash and scamper on home, or whatever bridge you live under.

We're not afraid of you, Heather.

I mean what's your problem with us, anyway?

You are nothing.

You've always been nothing and you'll always be nothing.

You both can get all dressed up and talk a big game, put on a good show, but we can all see what you really are.

Everyone can see.

Dogs.

And I'm sorry, but I don't deal with dogs, and I don't want to see dogs, and I definitely don't want dogs to think that they can be friends with me.

It's so cute that you both think you're people.

Woof.

You're so full of shit, Heather.

[people gasping]

Excuse me?

You go around treating everyone like shit, but you're the one that's full of it.

And just a whiff, the bullshit on your breath is overpowering.

I mean you would bullshit anyone just to put yourself ahead or put someone else down.

And then secondly, there's bat shit, as in crazy?

'Cause you'd have to be bat-shit crazy to think that you can talk to me and my friend that way.

Oh, and then there's dog shit, and that's all you are Heather.

'Cause if you ever mess with me and my friend again, we will chew you up and shit you out.

My dog eats its own shit all the time.

Shut up, Dirk!

Is that all you bitches got?

Not quite.

Maggie, phase two.

Ooh, what's phase two?

[both] Shit in the pool!

[shrieking]

[crowd laughing]

[Heathers shrieking]

-[clears throat]

What are you two doing here?

Look, we've had a little time to cool off, thanks to you two.

Yeah, we took things too far and we're sorry.

You girls are okay in our book.

It took a lot of courage to stand up to us, and...

We realize we can be kind of bitchy.

It's not easy being popular and we can see how much everybody loved you, so...

We got nervous and didn't want you to take it away from us.

We never gave you girls a chance.

So if you want, we'd love to hang out some time.

Really?

No tricks?

No tricks.

Well if you want, I was going to have a girls' night at my place tonight.

Why don't you two come?

Totally.

We'll see you then.

Later.

Cassie, I don't feel good about this.

I don't trust them.

My psychic senses are tingling.

Oh Maggie, don't worry.

We're popular now.

This is exactly what we wanted.

Besides, they apologized.

We should give them a chance.

Okay.

But if this doesn't go well, we kill them.

Seriously, we talked about this.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's like a thing.

I can't stop.

[upbeat music]

Hey girlfriends!

Come on in, have a seat, take your panties off, make yourselves comfortable.

So I can redecorate then?

[Heathers giggling]

Oh relax, Cassie.

I'm just kidding.

I knew that.

You're so funny, Heather.

I know.

So do you have any, like, booze or something?

What?

She means alcohol.

We don't drink alcohol.

Yeah, my mom doesn't keep any in the house 'cause she's an alcoholic and really lazy about keeping up with her addiction.

I'm just kidding.

Of course we have alcohol.

We drink all the time.

I'm drunk right now!

Ahh!

I'm drunk, I'm drinking!

Grr, rah!

I don't even know why I did that.

I'm so drunk.

Sorry.

It's okay.

[exhales]

Why don't I step out and make us some super awesome cocktails that are gonna get us so drunk it blows out our vaginas.

It'll be great.

Drinking.

What's this?

That's private, don't touch that!

It's Cassie's diary.

Ugh jeez.

Sorry.

So, Maggie...

Excited about the talent competition on Friday.

I am, actually.

I know Cassie and I are sure to win.

No doubt.

Your rapping the other day was seriously amazing.

Like for sure.

Serious amazing.

Well, it wasn't that good.

I didn't know Cassie can rap too.

Oh, she can.

I mean we've been doing a lot of practicing.

She's mainly focusing on, uh, the choreography and the costumes.

She's so creative.

Oh.

Wait, what?

No, it's nothing.

It's just...

I used to be in a lot of plays in school, and the people who always did the costumes and choreography were more...

Behind the scenes.

That's all.

What are these?

Oh, these are the costumes that Cassie's making.

It's a bed sheet.

Cute!

Yeah, well, um, we've been doing a lot of practicing with her, so um, we haven't really had time for anything else.

Oh.

But, why don't you just rap by yourself, since it's your talent.

[gasps] Don't say that, that's so rude!

No matter how true and obvious it is.

Well, we're doing it together.

So noble of you.

Totally a good friend of you.

Don't worry, we won't tell her you said anything.

It's our little secret.

What's happening?

[upbeat rock music]


Okay, who's ready to party?

Why is it glowing?

Mine's really warm.

No thank you.

We don't drink.

Wow...

It makes the back of my eyes tingle.

What's wrong, Cassie?

Why aren't you partying with us?

Oh, um, I'm just not thirsty right now.

I did a Jägerbomb with my mom downstairs.

It was crazy.

We made out.

Crazy stuff.

Yay, drunk!

-[laughs lightly]

Well don't get too drunk.

We have school tomorrow and you probably have to practice like crazy with Maggie if you're going to be ready by Friday.

What do you mean "like crazy?"

No, it's just, it's not like that.

What is that not like?

Oh, I didn't mean anything.

Oh, I said I wouldn't say anything.

But you did say anything.

You said it twice.

I can't, I promised Maggie I wouldn't.

Maggie!

Are you keeping secrets from me?

I thought we trusted each other!

No, i-it's just we were saying...

The point is that Maggie doesn't blame you for not having a talent of your own and you're kind of just stealing hers.

She's willing to let you be a part of it so you don't feel left behind.

But I have a talent.

So does Maggie, but she's not rubbing it in our faces, Cassie.

Show some modesty.

I want to see your talent, Cassie!

Okay! [laughs]

Ugh...

[funk music]

[clapping]

Cassie, that's great!

Where did you learn that?

Girl Scouts.

Seventh grade.

We used to sell and feed these cookies to a Russian prostitute with no arms named Lola.

She used to keep a tube of lipstick in her bra for work at a moment's notice.

There was no work, but you couldn't tell her that.

Cause she never gave up hope.

No, she didn't speak English.

-[laughs] Commies!

Well, perfect!

It's settled then.

Maggie will do her wrapping, and Cassie will do that...

Lipstick seizure thing, and you both will have a talent to perform at the talent competition.

Separately.

Against one another.

But it's just a competition to see who is better than everyone else.

It's not like it's going to tear apart your friendship

[laughs]

[maniacal laughter]

Good night.

[fizzing noise]

[soft rock music]

♪ There ain't no reason

♪ You should walk away

♪ You should walk away from me ♪

♪ And there ain't no reason ♪

♪ You ever gotta leave

♪ You ain't gotta leave, leave me ♪

♪ I got a feeling, you're never gonna leave ♪

♪ You're never gonna leave me, no ♪

♪ And you got a feeling, that you want me ♪

♪ That you want to be...

[screaming]

Muffin punch dick! Oh my God, what is she doing?

Nipple butt sucking!

My paining! Dog licker, nubby knees!

She's seizing, or something...

Burt Reynolds, orgasms, salad!

Maggie, calm down, you're not making any sense.

How would you know?

We don't hang out.

I don't even know what you've become!

I don't know who I am anymore!

Oh my God, she has amnesia!

It's just a phrase.

Is it?

Because I remember we both wanted to be popular, and now we are.

Unless you've forgotten that.

Due to amnesia!

[crowd murmurs] - I haven't forgotten it.

I just don't want that anymore.

I want to go back to us being the way we used to be.

Where we could hang out and be ourselves and not try to act like we're something we're not all the time.

Well I don't want to go back to that.

Is this honestly what you want?

You mean having lots of friends?

Having everyone like me?

Knowing my name?

Wanting to buy me lunch?

Hang out and build a french fry fort just to have it destroyed by a chocolate milkshake flood and have to eat my way out as a testament to my survival?

Yeah Maggie, I think I do want those things, and a jetpack.

You are so clueless, Cassie.

Oh, I have a clue alright.

To the mystery of why Maggie sucks so much!

Maybe it's 'cause her best friend is an idiot.

Mystery solved!

Well I declare that case is a mistrial due to lack of evidence.

A stupid suck crap!

Oh, you want evidence? Mm.

Okay!

Exhibit A!

Oh, order in the court, bitch!

[dramatic music]

Ha ha!

Get off me!

[mock crying]

[laughing]

[growling]

[screaming]

[crowd gasps]

Get up!

[gasps]

Cassie, how could you!

I thought you were my friend!

No!

[screaming and crying]

But wait, Maggie! We are!

You're better off without her, sweetie.

If you two were meant to be friends, then you would be.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it is for the best.

You know, it could be, oh and you're gone.

Okay, talk to you later b-best friend.

[melancholy music]

♪ I lost you

♪ And I don't know what to do about it ♪

♪ My best friend

♪ I lost you, I don't know what to do ♪

♪ My best friend

[pounding synth music]

♪ Sex

Where are you going all dressed up?

Heather and Brett are throwing a little party that they personally invited me to.

I thought you didn't like them.

Ha!

I have no other friends, so I might as well.

Well good.

I hope you have a great time with them.

Oh, I will.

Thank you for loaning me the dress.

You're welcome.

It looks very nice on you.

I'm glad.

Maybe I'll even get to third base!

I certainly hope so.

You're a very attractive girl.

I feel like one!

What's third base?

I'm not sure, but I think it's up to the knuckle.

Well I'll let you know when I find out!

Well great, I look forward to that conversation!

I'm on top [scoffs]

[electronic music]

Chill out.

She's gonna come.

Oh really?

I didn't know she was your type.

-[scoffs]

Don't be disgusting.

I wouldn't touch her with an eight-inch pole, no matter whose it was.

And she's not my type.

Ugh, who is your type?

I know you and Heather didn't get back together.

Even when you were together, she said you were like a.

Catholic priest.

What'd she mean by that?

You told her you wanted to wait until marriage, and that you were Catholic, and you wanted to be a priest.

Right, I forgot I said that.

Besides, she's moved on, so who cares?

Everybody's happy.

There's something odd about you.

Hey Brett, you coming?

Repeatedly.

[doorbell rings]

I can't quite put my finger on it.

[door opens]

Mm.

Okay, she's here.

Remember the plan.

I remember, you squawking harpy.

Hey Maggie!

How you holding up?

That was a pretty brutal falling out, huh?

Yeah, I...

I really don't want to talk about it.

Well you're in luck!

Tonight is all about relaxing and feeling good!

[laughs]

I don't drink, remember?

Trying to forget.

Oh, I think tonight of all nights is a night to drink.

Come on.

One little drink can't hurt.

It'll help you relax.

There you go.

[muffled gagging]

'At a girl!

-[laughing]

That wasn't so bad!

Mm!

It tasted like watermelons.

Now you're one of us!

Heh, okay.

Well just, just don't let me do anything stupid.

Don't worry!

We won't.

[fast rock music]

Hey everybody, let's party!

Yeah!

Move [shouting unintelligibly]

[screams]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[screams]

Hey, what?

[people gasping] What are you doing?

Oh!

[forceful grunting]

[glass shattering]

[screaming]

Heather!

You are my best friend in the whole...

[bottle shatters]

[vibraphone sting]

[knocking at the door]

I'm fine, Mother.

I just want to be left alone.

Sorry, it's me.

Your mom let me in.

Well, have a seat.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to see how you were doing.

Me, I-I'm doing great.

Couldn't be better.

Yeah, I probably should've called first instead of just...

Walking in.

No no, I like a man that's spontaneous.

And you can't spell spontaneous without...

Anus...

Spot, I think.

Cassie, we should talk about what happened with Maggie.

Shh!

Before we talk about that, my prince, why don't I slip into something more...

Removable?

Wow, those are your pajamas?

No, this is just something I wear sometimes when I'm alone.

My mother always says when a woman's alone, a man's probably watching somewhere from a tree, so you know.

Look your best.

Yeah that's, uh, good advice.

I guess.

Why don't I go put on some music.

[hip hop music] ♪ Booty, boo-tay

♪ Hey drop that booty, make it flop bitch ♪

♪ Flop, flop, fl...

♪ Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man ♪

♪ Do you know...

[smooth jazz music]

Yeah, that's better.

You like jazz, Dirk?

I guess so.

Mm...

What else do you like, Dirky?

I like football.

I like hanging out and...

Watching tv.

Oh, I like to eat, heh.

Ooh, I like where this is going.

Oh, you like to eat too?

Not particularly, but everyone gets bored at girl scout camp and they all run out of cookies eventually.

Man, I'm hungry now.

Oh, Dirky.

Oh, look at this.

I found some icing from when I made cupcakes.

Want a lick.

Uh, nah.

I don't really like sweets.

Oh that's good.

Oh, Dirky.

You have a rip in your shirt.

Where?

Oh, it's just right...

Over...

Wow, uh, thanks.

I didn't even notice.

I didn't know you knew how to sew.

I don't.

But uh, now I'm kind of naked.

Hey Dirk, want to hear a funny joke?

Sure.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Me.

[sultry music]

Ugh, Cassie, what are you doing?

I'm...

I'm sorry, I just...

Thank you so much for stopping by, but I think you should go.

Cassie, I think you're totally rad, but...

I'm in love with someone else.

But that doesn't mean I don't think you're like...

I know, I know.

I know what you're going to say.

You think I'm sweet and you think I'm special and you think I'm pretty, I know.

I don't think that I'm ugly.

I like me.

It's just that...

It gets harder and harder believing it.

It's hard having to constantly remind yourself that you're special when no one else seems to think so.

I mean, every day, I put everything I have out there and just hope that maybe someone, some day will see it and, and that someone will think I'm special too.

I guess it's kind of like ordering a sandwich in the cafeteria.

I mean, you can see what the food is and you tell the ladies what you want, and they give it to you.

But when you eat it, you're not really as sure if that's what it was to begin with.

But it's gone, so you can't check.

Unless you make yourself throw up.

You know?

You're a little bit different, aren't you?

Yeah, okay.

Good morning, sunshine.

What time is it?

It's time for you to get up, get out, and then get lost.

Wait, what's happening?

Look, I think this whole charade needs to come to an end.

I'm tired, you look tired...

All the time, so let's just finish this.

But, I don't understand.

It's simple.

You won't be performing at the talent competition, or I show the whole school, including the principal, the pictures I took of you last night.

Drinking alcohol, taking off your clothes, defiling a television...

Either way, you'll be suspended if not expelled.

And that's nothing compared to what I have in store for.

Ms. Cassie Glenn.

Totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire, you're welcome?

Whatever.

I've won.

Now get out.

You know, it's okay.

What?

I want you to know it's okay.

I understand why you're doing all this, but you really don't have to.

I've watched you for a very long time.

We even went to kindergarten together.

I mean, it's okay if you don't remember me.

Nobody...

Noticed me, but I noticed you.

You tried so hard to get everybody to like you, but for some reason, none of the kids would pick you for kickball or share their lunch with you.

But that didn't stop you.

You kept on trying.

And then in junior high, everything changed for you.

And I was happy for you.

I never hated you, because I knew you just didn't want to be alone.

I was so alone before I met Cassie, and now I never want to go back to being that again.

Maybe we could just...

Maybe we could just be friends one day, and we could all not be alone together.

You and I...

Are nothing alike.

I will never be like you.

The difference between us is that I fought to be who I am.

I fought to get to the top.

And I will fight anyone who tries to take that away from me.

Now get out!

Cassie!

Party!

Defiling!

Blackmail!

Lap dance!

If you just want to talk about hooking up with a really hot black guy last night, I don't want to hear it.

No, you don't understand.

That party was just a setup to blackmail us.

T-The whole, they've been scamming us the whole time, and Heather's got something planned for you.

Something really big, and it's going to happen today.

Why should I believe you?

Because I'm asking you to.

You trusted me once.

Please trust me.

I'm sorry Maggie, but...

I should've trusted you from the very beginning.

Oh Cassie!

Let's never fight again.

Thanks for letting me borrow a shirt, Cassie.

Heh, you're lucky we're the same size.

See you at school!

Hey Maggie.

What's going on with that.

Oh, he came over super late last night and slept over.

You slept with him?

Well, yeah.

It was super late.

I took his shirt off, but I couldn't send him home half-naked.

Well, did you at least use a condom?

What for?

Um, so you don't get pregnant?

Oh, there's no chance of that happening.

Haven't you seen the films in Mr. Klein's class?

If you sleep with a guy without using a condom you're gonna get pregnant.

Oh my God!

Well then we'd better take a pregnancy test.

Well, do you have one?

Yes.

My mom keeps tons around the house.

Something about not believing the lie and the plumbing still works? I dunno.

I just know she buys some new ones whenever she goes out on a date.

I'm so freaked out, Maggie, I can't think straight!

I mean, what do I do with it?

Do I pee on it?

How much pee?

For how long?

Do I poop on it, too?

I don't think I can do this, Maggie.

Shh, don't worry about it.

O-okay.

I'm holding the stick.

Whatever you do, just relax and try and focus on letting your fountain flow.

Okay.

Just think about tinkling thoughts.

And drink some more water.

I don't know if I can drink any more water.

I've had three glasses already.

It might help if your bladder's full.

Okay.

Just think about watery thoughts, and rivers, and rain, and, and mountain streams.

Maybe think about somebody else urinating.

In a river, while it's raining, on top of a wet mountain.

[peeing sound]

Oh look, Cassie, you're doing it!

Ha ha ha, I'm doing it!

Ah, um, you're still doing it.

We've got to make sure we get enough.

Okay, oh, yeah, I think, I think that's enough.

We've gotta make sure.

I'm gonna let her loose.

No Cass, I don't think that's gonna help.

[screams]

Make sure you get it nice and soaked.

It gives a better reading.

[screaming]

Don't run from it Mag.

It senses fear.

Why?

Agh!

Now we wait.

Ah, uh...

Heheh.

Ah, mhmm.

[toilet flush]

Well, at least we know I'm not pregnant.

Oh, I'm sure someone's going to lay it to you eventually.

No, I mean, I had my first period.

Maggie, I'm so happy for you.

And I officially welcome you to the club.

I knew this would happen, and I knew we'd sync up.

What do you mean?

I just started my period.

That means you can't be pregnant.

Ugh, I know, right?

Why did we take the pregnancy test?

I'm very susceptible to peer pressure.

[bloop]

Okay.

What are we going to do about Heather?

Heather wins.

We should just let her win.

And being popular was way too hard.

Having to be amazing and perfect all the time?

It's exhausting!

But what about the talent contest?

You should definitely go.

You're amazingly talented and you're sure to win.

But I wanted to do it together.

Maggie, you don't need me holding you back.

You'll do fine without me.

Okay, I've heard just about enough of this kind of talk.

I feel like you girls are missing the point of high school entirely.

I mean nothing you do matters.

There isn't anything that you do in high school that's going to have anything to do with your future whatsoever.

Just get out there, have fun, go crazy with it!

Get pregnant if you can.

It's a lot harder than it looks.

Anyway, sleep with the whole football team if they'll let you.

Just remember: have fun.

Make the most of these years.

No matter what you do, you'll never get these years back.

But no matter what happens, you'll always be my little...

Cassie?

[announcer] Now for the amazing...

I swear to God, if I have to hear one more heartfelt speech I'm going to period all over the place.

Humpty Dumpty?

Scarecrow?

What are you two doing here?

We're performing, Heather.

We're not afraid of you anymore, Heather.

We are tired of trying to impress you or beat you or get you to respect us, or just get you to leave us alone.

You're not important to us anymore.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a story to tell.

Don't you think you're taking all this way too far?

I mean, you're coming off a little desperate.

I'm a little desperate?

Yeah.

That's funny, coming from you.

Don't think I don't know you've been obsessing over.

Dirk.

Yeah, I figured it out.

Almost made me throw up.

That's just sick.

You're lucky Dirk's too stupid to realize his best friend's just a sick pervert that's been stalking him and living off my scraps.

Well I'm done feeding you, and it's time for you to go hang with the rest of the dogs where you belong.

He belongs to me and you will never have him.

Freak.

[percussive music]

[applause]

Up next is our very own modeling talent... Um, Heather.

Hello everyone!

My name is Heather, and I'm here to model for you today.

But not just model.

I'm here to tell you a story.

Hey, that's my diary!

And of course, look great while doing it!

It's the story of a girl who just moved to a new school.

But this girl was different than the rest.

She was secretly a freak!

And she befriended other freaks, and they started a freak band, and they liked to force themselves onto innocent pretty girls' boyfriends, and they liked to drink bubble bath, and they probably eat garbage when nobody's looking!

You can tell because, then after they like to wear it.

-[crying]

Clap!

[scattered applause]

Wasn't that wonderful?

Thank you.

Next, we have...

I'm so sorry.

I can't do this.

Things were so much easier before people knew I existed.

She's right, look at us.

We are freaks.

Exactly!

Maggie, we are freaks, and that's awesome.

Look at all the totally awesome freaky things we've done.

We went to a party and totally owned it.

We weren't even invited.

We were asked out by the two hottest guys in school on a double date.

We took off our panties.

We even went to see a zombie fortune teller.

Psychic.

See, and you're one of those too, not to mention an amazing rapper.

I know it, now it's time to let the whole school know it.

We may be freaks, but we're the freakiest freaks and we're going to go freak their mother-freaking minds.

I love it when you pep talk, Cassie.

And next, we have the song stylings of Cassie Glenn and Maggie Miller

[together] ♪ Show the good

♪ Show the good inside

♪ You're my friend

♪ There's no need to hide

♪ I'm M.C. Maggie and I'm here to shout ♪

♪ If you like what you see, then check us out ♪ Yeah, check 'em out

[crowd gasps]

Oh my God.

Gross!

Gross!

-[gasps]

-[gasps]

Hit it.

[upbeat music]

♪ Show the goods

♪ Show them what you've got ♪

♪ You're a freak

♪ Make it freakin' hot

♪ Show the goods

♪ Show them you are proud

♪ You're a freak

♪ Make it freakin' loud

♪ That's my main man Brett with his hiney shake ♪

♪ And see it wiggle, see it sizzle like crispy bacon ♪

♪ And my homegirl funky yummy muffin cask ♪

♪ Gonna take some baked beats to rock her ass ♪

♪ Take off her clothes tell me what you think ♪

♪ Take off my panties 'cause I'm pretty in pink ♪

♪ I take off my bra 'cause I help the needy ♪

♪ They ain't much, but they bigger Ally Sheedy's ♪

♪...show 'em what you got ♪

♪ You're a freak

♪ Make it freakin' hot

♪ We're talkin' out of school and ruffling feathers ♪

♪ We're ten times cooler than any Heathers ♪

♪ Don't care what you think, or haven't you heard? ♪

♪ Freaks are in, it's revenge of the nerds ♪

♪ So join our crew, let's cause a scandal ♪

♪ Gonna burn brighter than "Sixteen Candles" ♪

♪ Feeling hotter than St. Elmo's fire ♪

♪ Keep Rob Lowe, just give me Jon Cryer ♪ Cassie, I just wanted to thank you.

Last night you showed me I've been with the wrong person all along.

I need to be with someone who makes me feel special.

And the right one has been right in front of me the whole time.

You mean, you really do l...

Oh, still not me.

Got it. Great. Awesome.

That's great for you both.

I'm so happy.

I'm John, by the way.

You got some skills.

I like that.

Thanks.

Do you want to maybe grab some...

Yes!

I mean... Sure.

I mean, whatever.

Cool.

Fo' sho'.

[nervous laughter]

Cool.

-[giggles]

Oh my God, Cassie, it happened just like you predicted.

Maybe you're the psychic one.

No, I shaved.

Okay.

It's just...

I thought it would all end a bit differently, you know?

I mean, I didn't get the boy.

The other boy did.

And turns out I really don't have a talent after all.

I don't know.

I just don't feel very totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire right now.

But you do have a talent.

I mean, look around you.

All this is happening because of you.

I mean, i-it may not be a talent you can put on a stage and win a contest with...

But you do something no one else can.

You change people.

Make them live.

And beyond a doubt, you are a totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

You're also my best friend.

Thank you, for being my best friend.

You're welcome

-[laughs]

♪ Show the goods, show the goods ♪

♪ Show 'em what you got

♪ You're a freak...

-[screams]

♪ Show the goods, show the goods ♪

♪ Show them you are proud

♪ You're a freak, a freak

♪ Make it freakin' loud

♪ Show the goods, show the goods ♪

♪ Show 'em what you got

♪ You're a freak, a freak

♪ Make it freakin' hot

♪ Show the goods

Happy birthday, Cassie.

Thanks for bringing us together.

I'm gay now.

Cake!

Word up.

Make a wish.

Happy birthday, cupcake.

I live here now.

Yeah, you like it.

Hot angry homeless guy?

You guys!

[all laughing]

Happy birthday, Cassie.

[clapping]

[upbeat music]

♪ Who wants to be a woman?

♪ Not me for sure (no way)

♪ 'Cause my mom is old and stupid ♪

♪ And I'm never gonna be like her ♪

♪ You know I know how to party ♪

♪ And wear the coolest, hippest clothes (so perfect) ♪

♪ And if you check out my braces ♪

♪ They match the polish on my toes ♪

♪ We are girls and we wanna have fun ♪

♪ See our world's just begun, gonna play while we're young ♪

♪ We are girls and we tease all the boys ♪

♪ And we make lots of noise, don't care who it annoys ♪

♪ We are girls

♪ We are girls

♪ When we go to the mall

♪ I get eight friends in my car (shotgun) ♪

♪ Then we all share a cookie ♪

♪ And talk about how fat we are (except we're not fat) ♪

♪ We dance in our bras and our panties ♪

♪ I love to hang out with my friends ♪

♪ And cry alone in the bathroom ♪

♪ You see the party never ends ♪

♪ We are girls put the boys in a trance ♪

♪ Suffer through menstrual cramps ♪

♪ Show the world we can dance ♪

♪ We are girls and we are who we are ♪

♪ Yeah, we'll go pretty far and leave emotional scars ♪

♪ We are girls

♪ We are girls

♪ Girls