Fletch Lives (1989) Script

Los Angeles late at night is pretty much like any big American city late at night.

At 2.00 am people are either making a mess or cleaning it up.

Tonight's my night to do the cleaning up. My name, most of the time, is Irwin Fletcher.

I write under the name of Jane Doe. That's the kind of gal I am.

This Greek seafood house is part of a successful chain.

But, believe me, it's not because of the food.

113,000 from basketball. List it as codfish.

120,000 from the Gonzalez fight.

That includes 60 from our chain in the Valley.

Twenty from Long Beach. 120 total.

Put that under halibut.

180,000 from the track. Scrod.

We already got over two million in scrod this month?

Scrod's making a comeback, all right?

How are you listing my stake?

Breakage. $75,000 worth of breakage?

We're Greeks! We dance, we break plates, we're clumsy!

Boys, boys, stop it. We gotta be cross town in 30 minutes.

You wanna wash up? Naw.

My wife gets suspicious if I don't smell like fish.

Al got it. You get the lights.

Where's Poppa? In the back.

Tell him to snap it up I'll meet him in the car.

Phil, I'll drop you first. You better.

Hi. What's your name, little lady?

My name? Peggy Lee... Zorba. Peggy Lee Zorba.

You're cute! Do you mind if I freshen up a bit?

Splash a little water on my face. Whatever makes you feel sexy.

Okay.

Just wait outside. I'll be right out.


What the hell was that?

If it's a cop, kill him. Hi. Mary Poppins!

If it's a reporter, cripple him.

You're never driving again! I just did what you told me to do.

There's a new thing called brakes! Shut up!

Good. Brilliant as usual, Fletch. We'll run it in the next edition.

Great. See you in two weeks. Er, Fletch, there's...

"Er, Fletch"? Frank, I see a double-cross in your eyes.

You promised me a vacation, and I'll take it.

Right after the sewer story. What? You can't do this to me.

I spent eight nights on my knees dressed like Dolly Parton at a funeral.

I got felt up. I got dishpan hands and sore knees!

Three guys tried to kill me. Do you give a crap?

You promised me a vacation! You'll get one.

After the sewer system exposé. You owe me a vacation!

In July. That's two months.

A great reporter knows the facts.

By the way, the news computer disallowed your undocumented expenses.

It'll come out of this week's pay. You can't do that.

There's nothing I can do about it. It's all done automatically.

On top of everything else, I think I'm getting my period.


No wonder I got a fumigation alert. How'd you get in here?

The window was open.

I knocked, and I could swear I heard you say, "Come in".

You know how to cover your ass, Gillet. Although those pants are a mistake.

You owe me $4,381 in back alimony.

What? I was married to you?

You're right. I've been foolishly squandering my salary on food and heat.

You have one week to comply with Judge Proctor's orders.

Payment in full. Otherwise you go to jail.

Wendy doesn't need the money.

I hear she's been banging some balding, wimpy lawyer who can't get it up.

May I see that? Be my guest.

Nice briefcase. Couldn't guess your weight?

Oh! I'm sorry. I got it.

Never mind, I'll take care of it.

Look at this. A note from the Oakwood Potency Clinic.

"Sorry to inform you, we cannot process sperm counts as low as yours."

Here we are. What about this? Be careful!

Uh-oh! I am terribly sorry!

You did that intentionally. I did not.

That was good juice too. Leave it alone.

I got an idea. My mistake. Where are you going?

My mess. I'll clean it up.

What are you doing? What's this?

You are damaging personal property and I'm gonna...

The ink is running. I didn't expect that.

There we are! Clean as a whistle.

Thanks for coming by, Marvin. Expect to hear from my lawyer.

Oh, Gillet, one more thing. Come back here. It's very important.

They do a thing now where they make an incision and push the hair together.

Or try a transplant. Maybe the hair from your ass. Might make you smarter. Bye.

Betty, how 'bout lunch at the In-N-Out Burger?

I'm not hungry.

Forget the burger. How about just the "In and Out"?

Very well. How about just the "in"?

Fletch, answer your phone.

In-N-Out Burger. May I take your order, please?

Mr. Fletcher? This is Amanda Ray Ross. I represented your Aunt Belle Fletcher.

Good ol' Aunt Belle. How the hell is she?

She's deceased, Mr. Fletcher. I guess she could be better.

You're hard to find.

I was touring with the Stones. How can I help?

Didn't you get my message? No.

I'm the executor of your aunt's will.

You are the major beneficiary of your aunt's estate, Belle Isle.

About this expense. $58 for leg waxing? That's bullshit.

Yeah, but feel how smooth they are.

It consists of 80 acres of old plantation.

Wait. Did you say plantation? Yes, indeed.

She left it to me? According to her will.

Can I get back to you? Hair by Ziggy? Who's Ziggy?

5-0-4... Shut up, Frank. Yeah. I'll get right back to you.

Can't we return some of it? What about the lingerie?

I ate it. Be serious for one minute.

I quit.

I'm not unreasonable about legitimate expenses.

Now, the sewer story... I quit, Frank.

I'm gonna advance you for the hip boots and wet suit.

Frank, I'm really quitting.

Fletch, look, I got a little A-frame up at Arrowhead.

Why don't you go there, take a couple of weeks, relax?

I'm really gonna miss you.

Maybe that's an overstatement.

Treat this as good news. You can write my Jane Doe column.

You're not gonna quit. I'll tell you why.

Why? You have journalistic integrity.

Yeah.

And you have a sense of loyalty. You'll never give up the quest for truth.

You're right.

I can't abandon the principles that nurtured me lo these many years.

Wrap them up with the shit on my desk and ship them to my Louisiana mansion.

Bye.

What happened?

My husband said I was crazy to go 2,000 miles to have my nose done.

That's an interesting watch. Is it a prize of some sort?

No. It certainly looks like one.

It's a championship Laker watch.

Oh! Are you a Laker?

I used to date one. Only thing I have to remember him by.

Lord, what was that?

We just clipped a Piper Cub. The pilot's okay. I just saw him parachuting.

I love a man with a sense of humor. What did you say your name was?

Nostradamus.

I'm Cindy Mae Sample.

Nostradamus... I love the Fightin' Irish.

Lord, I hate to fly. I wish I was gettin' off in Thibodaux like you.

It's two more stops to Selma. All those ups and downs and ups and downs.

You should try holding your breath. Sometimes that works.

Belle Isle...

Belle Isle...


Thank you, Betty Lee.

Look, Colonel, the folks have come to serenade you.

They love you so much. And I love them too.

Give me that, boy!

Thank you, sir. Quiet down.

Uncle Frank? Yes, sir?

Yes, sir?

You know my favorite tune. Sure do, Colonel.

Would you mind if I sat in your lap, Colonel?

Please do, Betty Lee. Please do.

The field hands would like to dance for you.

Dance for me?

Why, I'll dance for them!

Yes, sir!

You bet!


You made it, Mr. Notre Dame.

Mr. Fletcher.

Yeah? I'm Amanda Ray Ross.

I spoke with you on the phone. Oh, yes. That was you?

Great.

Do you have any luggage? Just one piece.

Plannin' on stayin' long?

Just long enough to see Mount Rushmore and squeeze in a little ice fishing.

I'm on the board of the Pontchartrain Society.

We help preserve and restore some of these lovely mansions.

We headed to Belle Isle?

You must be dying to see it, Mr. Fletcher. Call me Fletch.

Your house is not as grand as some others in the neighborhood.

It doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts. Eighty acres?

Isn't it strikin'?

Your aunt tried to keep things in their natural state.

She ever brush her hair?

I can see you're disappointed. No, not at all!

A little spackling and some napalm, this place would make a nice mausoleum.

That's nice... Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Oh! I was aimin' to fix that today. How do you do?

I be Calculus Entterby. You be Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher?

I be Fletch. Geometry Fletch. She be Miss Trigonometry Ross.

Pleased, I'm sure. Your Aunt Belle told me you'd be takin' over the place... and I'm extendin' my "condulations".

Right. You work here?

Your Aunt Belle and I, we had an arrangement.

And I was hopin' we could make an extenuation of it.

Help me get your stuff out the car here. Come on.

You mind your step.

Our families go back hundreds of years.

Your great grandparents owned my great grandparents. That's how it all started.

Ever hear of the Emancipation Proclamation?

I heard somethin' about it, but I don't recall exactly.

It didn't get much publicity around these parts.

I'll bet. Excuse me, sir.

Could you give me a hand?

Just pull it towards you. Just pull it.

Come on, come on. Just pull it. Just pull it on over. That's it.

Don't scar the car.

Is there any electricity or gas?

Everything works. No cable TV, I guess?

If I'd known, I'd have straightened out a bit and stocked your refrigerator.

No food? No refrigerator.

We need to do some paperwork. Want a lift into town?

And leave my estate unattended? It's not yours till you sign.

I can make you some dinner. Ease the culture shock.

That sounds great.

Should I be doin' anything? No, not really.

After you get that trunk upstairs and finish your nap... you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton.

While I'm gone, see to it Miss Scarlett stays away from the Union Army.

More wine?

You trying to take advantage of me?

Not yet. You need to sign these papers.

Do you mind if I read 'em first? Be my guest.

Had you talked to your aunt recently?

That depends on your view of history. It's been 16 years.

Sign all three? Please.

I just wondered. She changed her will three weeks before she died.

Well, lucky for me. Why'd she do that?

I don't know. She was old. Seemed to be under a lot of strain.

Dying always does that to you.

Congratulations. You know, you can make yourself some good money out of this.

A realtor contacted me with an unusually high offer. 225,000.

Dollars?

Let me ask you this.

Don't you think if I wait a little longer, they might go up?

They might. And I just got here, didn't I?

No sale?

While you're thinking, what are you gonna do with the land?

I don't know. Raise chitlins...

The chitlin' market as high as it is.

They're mean little animals, but their coats are worth a fortune.

$225,000? What do you think I oughta do?

If I were you, I would proceed slowly and carefully.

That's my specialty.

Would you like dessert? What do you have in mind?

How 'bout something sweet... and Southern?


I used your toothbrush.

Would've used your razor, but it looks like you've been gardening with it.

Gee, I can't believe we slept this late.

Amanda? Want to drive me to Belle Isle?

I guess not.

It was good, but not that good.

Morning, Mr. Fletcher. If that's your real name. I'm Billy Jo Hendrick.

Howdy.

What's your relationship to Amanda Ray? She was my attorney.

She was working on my briefs.

You come here, y'all just hit it off?

So to speak.

Sparks just flew. That's what you're gonna tell me.

Wonder why that never happens to me?

Wonder why.

Were y'all usin' some drugs you brought in from California by any chance?

Just some beaujolais.

Beaujolais?

It's a pretty popular drug made from grapes?

You feel like makin' a statement? A statement?

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

You wanna make it hard.

Let's see how you feel after some time in the tank.

Y'all, come on.

All of us? Just you.

What's the charge? Pissin' me off.

Felony or misdemeanor? That's it!

You're cleaner than most of the ones we get.

You smell nice. I expect you'll be popular.

You have to read me my rights.

Or at least find someone who can read to do it for you.

A little gamey in here. Not much ventilation, huh?

How's the chow?

You know, you shouldn't wear so much eye make-up. It makes you look cheap.

You're sittin' on my bunk.

Sorry. Shut up!

Take your pants off.

Er... I don't even know your name. Bend over.

Ben? Nice to meet you. Victor Hugo.

You don't have a middle name, do you? Everybody else here seems to.

What are you in for, Ben? Molesting a dead horse.

Ooh, there's no crime in that.

That's your right as an American. I'm tryin' to cut down myself.

His missus hit him on the head with a hammer whilst he was eatin' a sausage... and almost choked him to death.

Okay, beautiful, let's hope another long night in the tank has sobered you up.

Gunter?

If I don't hear from you on Valentine's Day, I'll be disappointed.

Mr. Johnson, I'm surprised to see you here.

Judge Watkins usually assigns these small potatoes to Billy Ray.

He's on vacation. This is the price I pay for the proximity of my office.

Excuse me. Sir?

You don't have a card, do you? Or a price list?

Well, matter of fact, I do.

I'm Hamilton Johnson. I'm an attorney at law.

You take cases or do you specialize in transvestite necrophiliacs?

Not enough evidence to hold you.

Just a form of intimidation putting you in a cell with that Neanderthal.

She wasn't so bad.

If she'd just fix up her hair and shave her back.

It's so embarrassin', this sort of thing still goes on in the new South.

'Course, 20 years ago a Yankee like you could've been lyin' in the ditch.

I'm assumin', of course, that... you had nothin' whatsoever to do with the death of Amanda Ray.

Sure hope not. Hop in.

I was shocked to hear about this. She was such a dear friend.

So tragic... when this happens to somebody so young and healthy.

Was she feelin' all right last night? She felt great to me.

Just smell that soft Southern air.

It's so sad to see this beautiful pastoral countryside... blighted by the greed of a few men in pursuit of the almighty dollar.

That's my place over there.

The trees just beyond it screen off the Bibleland Amusement Park in the daytime... but at night, they make a hell of a racket.

Thanks for everything, Hamilton. Most welcome. Just call me Ham.

Ham, call me Fletch.

All right, Fletch. Anything I can do to help ya.

Fletch.

Might I give you some personal advice? Is it free?

To the sheriff and his sort of people, you're an outsider.

Guilty in spite of the law.

Should I get outta town before sundown?

It's not that bad, but... if I were you, lookin' for peace and quiet...

Well, they can make it a might uncomfortable for ya.

It's gonna take time. Thanks, Ham.

Bye.

My pleasure.

Anything I can do for ya.

Welcome back. I thought you run off for good.

Does this car run?

Yeah, but Miss Belle stopped drivin' it when the brakes ran out.

I run a few errands from time to time... but if you wanna stop it, you got to think ahead.

Hmm. I finally got the place straightened out for you.

When was that? Back in 1970?

Your Aunt Belle, she lived in this one room. Didn't take up much space.

Calculus?

You don't see a spider, do you?

Spiders is good.

They eats the cockroaches. Yeah, sure they do.

Mister Owl.

This is more like it. This is what I came here for.

Yes, sir. Peace and quiet.

Scum, scum, scum! Go back to where you're from!

Friends of yours? Nothin' to me.

"The loyal sons of the...

Buford, where's the cross. Did you bring the cross?

"white race will not allow any kind of alien infection... to invade our beloved land."

Scum, scum, scum. Go back to where you're from.

Do it together. Scum, scum, scum. Go back...

Get the hell outta here and go home! Scum! Pigs!

Sorry I'm late.

Who goes there? Henry Himmler.

What Klavan claims you? California Klavan, Cucamonga.

California?

I was passing through, lookin' for something to do.

There was nothing goin' on at the Rotary Club.

Welcome, Henry. I'm the Grand Kleagle.

California thing. Pig-faced scum!

What's the occasion? Some undesirable carpetbagger...

I think.

Damn!

Boys, I just got a closer peek. There's nobody in there.

We're wasting our time.

And I washed all these sheets!

Who's this? Oh. Sorry. Hi, fellas. Hank Himmler.

Hi, Hank. How you doin'?

The cross won't burn, nobody home. Hell, it ain't like it used to be.

You said it.

I couldn't get over 13 guys out tonight. Five of them are green recruits.

Kinda stand-ins, you know what I mean? Yeah.

We call 'em Klookies. Klookies?

Yeah.

That's good, that's good! Of course, it's just a contract job.

Yeah. Contract job?

Yeah! We've been havin' a terrible time down here. We've had to rent out.

Here I come!

Gene Hackman, kick your ass. It's some kind of African dialect!

Hi.

Morning.

Mr. Fletcher? As far as you know.

I'm Becky Ann Culpepper. Thibodaux Realty.

I'd offer you some coffee and eggs Benedict, but we're all out of Benedict.

Thanks. I've already eaten. What can I do to... for you?

You may have heard that there's a party interested in acquiring your property.

A substantial offer.

How substantial? $250,000.

Phew! I don't know. I had big plans for this place.

Mini mall with a yoghurt bar and a tanning parlor.

Well, Mr. Fletcher, all I know is $250,000... is a mighty generous price for land in this area.

Who's your client? I'm not at liberty to say.

Well, then I'm not at liberty to sell. This is a tremendous opportunity.

Tell you what. I'll consult with my people who'll contact their people... and they'll get in touch with your people.

Who are your people? Who are yours?

As I said, I have to keep that confidential.

Very well. I'll just have my people contact each other. Keep 'em busy.

All right. Well, just keep me in mind. Here's my card.

Oh, I'll keep you in mind.

Hope we can do this again sometime soon.

In about 10 minutes?

That night I decided to return to the scene of the crime.

It let me check out my new car and practice my parallel parking.

So far the only really good suspect in Amanda's death was me... and I was pretty sure that I didn't do it.

Amanda knew more than she'd let on, but the only clue she'd left me was a reference to Aunt Belle changing her will just before she died.

I knew the local police force was watching her place carefully... so there'd be no trouble getting in.

Over the years I found Mr. Underhill's credit card to be a useful tool... much like Underhill himself.

As usual, I was willing to risk my life to get a peek into a filing cabinet.

I love them when they're unlocked, organized and tell me what I wanna know.

Belle's legal files were in good order... with the exception of something missing under "Bluebird".

She'd almost left Belle Isle to a minister.

Obviously at one time he must have touched her deeply.

I guess he didn't touch her deeply enough, or in the right place.

Thank you very much. Couldn't find that light switch.

What the hell you doin' here? This is a restricted area.

Didn't you see the sign? Signs! All I see is signs. Look here.

Stressed out "dormants", walls deplaning to an alarming degree.

Deplaning? This house is infested... with reticulermes Mario Cuomos. What's that?

What's what? Well, reti...

Reticulermes. You can't even say it yourself.

They are deadly African microscopic termites.

They eat 100 times their weight in five minutes.

Much like yourself. This place is about ready to collapse.

Who are you? Billie Jean King, Bug Busters.

My van's parked out front.

Mr. King, I don't know nothin' about no Bug Busters.

The Surgeon General was right. They've been mighty busy here.

The only time you can catch 'em is at night.

Ah-ha! I got one! See that?

These little buggers are the piranhas of the insect world.

The also feed on human flesh. Really?

You bet. How do you know you got one?

I'm glad I asked that question. They make this horrible high-pitched noise.

It's kinda like a tiny little scream. Can you hear that?

Can you hear that? Like a tiny little piglet.

No? I seem to have dropped it in your ear.

You what? That's all right.

We better get that. Can't let that nest in there. They multiply by masturbation.

The only way to get that out is to get close to the floor.

Go on down. That's right. They're drawn to the floorboards.

Shake your head like you're trying to get water out.

That's good. But hit it... No, this side. That's right.

Now make that scream. That'll draw 'em out. Squeal like a pig.

A little higher. Hey! I found a queen!

I found a queen! I don't believe it. No one's ever found a queen.

I gotta get this to the lab and get a stool sample.

After my close call with Miss Piggy, I couldn't wait to get home.

I had a lot of decorating ideas.

I didn't have a lot of money, but I could move the pool closer to the house.

I could see I wasn't gonna get much privacy.


Who's there? It's Avon calling.

Oh! It's you!

I'd like to talk to you for a minute. Yeah, come on in.

Come on in. Have a seat. Make yourself at home.

What's on your mind?

Well...

What do you do? Mud wrestle in this thing? I'm sorry about that... but I won it in a raffle. Must be an art to sitting in one of these.

Lost art.

You get the Lakers? I'm lucky to get Wheel of Fortune.

Why would somebody want to buy this land?

Insect research.

I have an offer for $250,000.

Take the money and run! What you thinkin'?

What do you know about this Farnsworth Ministry?

Jimmy Lee Farnsworth? Down here everybody knows about him.

Your Aunt Belle used to watch him when she was laid up.

And that is have you've been saved?

I know that there are a lot of you out there tonight... that the devil has got a firm grip round your neck and is choking you to death!

Amen! I want you to send whatever you can afford.

If you've got $1,000 in the bank, don't be afraid to send the whole $1,000.

I need your money. Bibleland is only halfway there.

Bibel... With your help it could be... the most important attraction... ...land.

...since the Crucifixion itself.

Immediate seating for the 5.00 service.

The 5.00 service is about to begin.

Immediate seating for the 5.00 service.

Welcome, sinner. Praise the Lord! Bless you.

Bless you, bless her, bless him. Halleluja.

Name please. Irwin. Fletcher. Irwin M. Fletcher.

Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.

Address? Seven.

It's time for the 4,323rd edition... of the Farnsworth Television Ministry with... Mimsy Carlyle, God's own songbird.

The heavenly feet of Damon Feather.

Mr. Coco. The Winfield Revivalists.

The Bradley Family Singers, and Ted Medly and the Band.

And now, the host of our show, the Ministry's founder and your friend...

Mr. Good News himself, the Reverend Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.

I know that there is someone out there tonight who needs to step forward.

Lyda Pearl Shindley. Me?

Lyda Pearl, come on down here! Give her a big hand, folks! Make her welcome!

All right!

Bless you. God bless you.

I know that you suffered a terrible tragedy... when you lost Jo Bob in the merry-go-round accident at the State Fair.

I did.

I also know that Jo Bob left you financially stable.

But answer me this one question.

Has all of them riches brung you happiness, child?

No, they haven't. I've sinned. We've all sinned.

I know, but I've really sinned.

God, have her not mention my name.

Say it aloud so your soul might be cleansed.

I'm so ashamed.

I slept with my best friend's husband.

You are forgiven. Praise the Lord.

Amen.

And I also slept with my Uncle James. You are forgiven, child.

Ladies and gentlemen, doesn't it take a tremendous amount of courage... to come up here on nationwide cable hook-up... and confess to human "frailities"?

I shoplifted this blouse and... You've been forgiven.

Demons out!

Praise be! Praise the Lord!

Ladies and gentlemen, praise be, praise the Lord.

Bravo.

Surely Lyda Pearl was not alone.

Surely there is someone else out there whose life is full of confusion.

Irwin M. Fletcher just inherited Belle Isle. I sense greed.

I sense deep grief and loneliness. I sense a recent bereavement.

Someone who has lost an uncle or an aunt.

Mr. Fletcher.

Mr. Irwin M. Fletcher. That's me.

Are you out there, Mr. Fletcher? Step forward, young man.

The Lord's calling to you. Come on up here.

Give him a big hand. Make him welcome. Come on down here.

Your Aunt Belle recently passed away, didn't she, son?

Yes, she did. Yeah. Are you still grieving in your heart?

Absolutely.

And even her generous gift to ya of the ancestral home, the beautiful Belle Isle... has not eased the grief, pain and sufferin' in your heart now, has it?

Not a hell of a lot. No.

Irwin, admit that you are a sinner.

Uh, well I've sinned. Didn't take any Polaroids or anything.

But... I've sinned. Yeah.

The Lord forgives you!

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Amen.

What? Other sins?

Er... Well, er... I parked in a handicapped spot on my way over here.

Actually on a handicapped person.

I told him I'd be out in five minutes so that's not such a big deal.

There's other things. They're personal, so I wouldn't wanna get into it on TV.

But I have sinned and I'm sorry about it. Thanks.

God forgives ya! Amen!

The good Lord is gonna ease the pain and sufferin' in your heart... with a bright light of grace.

Look out, you demons! Demons, demons, out!

Oh! That was great. Praise the Lord.

Another soul saved by Jimmy Lee Farnsworth. How about that?

I dangled Belle Isle like bait and he took the hook.

At the heart, he was a deeply religious man and I liked his teeth.

Once we've had a chance to expand...

Bibleland's gonna be like some kind of heaven on earth... if it isn't already.

There's the hotel. Hi, Reverend.

We call it the Heavenly Hilton and Convention Center.

Beyond that is the Farnsworth Bible College.

If you look down the road, you see the Jump for Jesus Trampoline Center.

What do you think? It's unbelievable.

Think I use too many photographs of myself?

No! No! It worked for the Ayatollah.

Mr. Fletcher, your Belle Isle's a bit rundown.

It'll eat you alive in maintenance.

You don't know how much your land would mean to us.

And to God, too, of course. After all, he does give us our guidance now.

Amen! You bet your ass.

My mother would say "There's a tick for every dog."

What did your mother mean by that?

Why in God's name you let Farnsworth's Ministry burrow into your fur?

Why would you think of givin' away your property when you got a big cash offer?

I guess, after a lifetime of hedonism, it's time to rededicate my life.

Nah, I just wanted to see what would happen if I went along with him.

Well, it happened. The sheriff's office called.

The charges against you were dropped. Is that right?

The Ministry has a good deal of influence around here.

I suppose you've heard that your... aunt was under considerable emotional strain in the weeks before she died?

Yeah, I've heard that. So was my mother.

They took advantage of her. These holy rollers.

When she was at death's door, they preyed on her faith and her fear.

When she could no longer make rational decisions... persuaded her to give away our land for that amusement park.

My guess is that your speedy conversion and your promised gift... played no small part in the charges against you being dropped.

Well, whatever.

At least I'm off the hook.

And who or what do they think is responsible for Amanda Ray's death?

The autopsy report come in today.

They said she died of a heart attack. Natural causes.

Either she had some congenital defect, or you're one hell of a lover.

Probably both.

I needed more background on Farnsworth so I called Frank.

Maybe I should've checked out Calculus Entterby.

I liked him, but I wasn't buying his Amos and Andy routine.

He seemed a lot smarter than that.

I never took you to be no murderer. That's a relief.

So who's the odds-on favorite now?

Nobody.

They say she dropped dead in her sleep. Yeah...

The odds on that?

Same as catchin' a bass this afternoon.

What's that?

About 258,000 to one.

You sure you don't wanna back out?

I'm in.

This be the morgue? Have the police come yet?

What? The police!

They was bringing a doctor to make a death certificate.

You got a stiff, boy, you're in the right place. Where is it?

In my Cadillac.

Put him on the gurney. Take him in the back with the rest.

Don't bother me. I'm watchin' "Terminator".

Put a steerin' wheel on that! Excuse me, sir.

I'll be right back now.

What's that stickin' out? His lucky golf cap.

Hey!

You gotta tag his toe.

He got a name? Eldridge Cleaver.

Take him in the back, strip him. Hold it.

Let's see what Mr. Cleaver has, or should I say, had.

Wait a minute. Shouldn't I get that?

Tell you what. I'll make you a deal.

You call me whenever you want, I'll tell you what time it is.

Now get movin'.

Eldridge Cleaver...

Good evening, Mr. Hoffa.

Amanda Ross... Amanda Ross... Five.


Can I take a look? Yeah, go on.


Any mail for me? You don't have a Tic Tac, do you?

What happened? I black out?

Did I land the plane safely? Yeah.

Passengers hurt? No.

Everything's okay? Yeah.

Check that air-conditioning.

What'd you find out? Cremated.

I wouldn't be surprised if all the paperwork was burnt up with the body.

The morgue proved to be a dead end. But I guess it is for most people.

I had three questions. Why was I cleared in Amanda's death?

Why, if she wasn't murdered, was the body quickly destroyed?

And when it comes to stewed prunes, are three enough or are four too many?

When I got back to Belle Isle, there was a cosy fire in the fireplace... and on the roof, the walls and the porch. It was great.

Think maybe I should pack.

Guess you'll be movin' in with me. Thanks.

Look at the bright side. You won't have to dust anymore.

Yes, sir!

Here's your diet plate.

Thank you. Does everything come with a head?

You bet, honey.

Glad I didn't order a hamburger.

I'd say grace, but I don't wanna wake him up.

Are you religious?

I believe in a God that doesn't need heavy financing.

How you doin', Mr. Barbour? How's it goin'?

Fine, fine. This here's Mr. Fletcher.

He's the new owner of Belle Isle, or what's left of it.

Yeah, I heard about your fire. Sorry about that.

Well...

You know, you've had your share of problems ever since you've been here.

How about we show you some real Southern hospitality?

You ever been on a coon hunt?

A coon hunt is like an English fox hunt, except we cut through all the bullshit... all the fancy clothes and music, all the beautiful women.

We reduce the experience to its essence.

A bunch of sweaty drunks chasin' a scared animal.

You're damn right!

What am I supposed to do? The dogs do most of the work.

We just follow the dogs, they tree the coon... we get him down.

This drug testing has gone too far.

Take a jolt.

Kick-a-poo joy juice? Oh, stronger than that!

Aren't you coming?

It ain't safe for a black man to be chasin' around these woods... unless he be handcuffed to a white man.

I'll see you back at my domicile. You want some of this?

You haven't lived till you've hunted coon... and after that, you don't want to.

It was a chance to snoop around the neighborhood.

The Ministry seemed so hot for all this land. Why?

Maybe they just wanted a remote spot to bury Jim and Tammy.

Where the hell are we? Actually, this is my place, or was.

Ain't been on it since I sold the sucker.

This is your property here and that's Ham's mama's old place over there.

Should we catch up with the boys?

Yes. There's some of 'em I shouldn't leave alone with the dogs.

Oh, wait up.

Jesus! What happened to my flower garden?

Everything's dead!

Yo, Barbour! Rags has got a water moccasin in his mouth.

Hey, we in luck. You ever jerked the head off a snake?

Oh, no. I gave it up for Lent. I'm not gonna miss the fun.

Hey, guys, wait up!


I never liked guns, especially pointed at me.

This night a couple of people were taking pot shots in my direction.

It was time to get outta there. 11.27 to be exact.

I was heartbroken to miss the raccoon, but all I wanted was to sleep... so I headed for Cal's water bed.

Welcome back. Jimmy Lee was on a roll tonight.

Ten salvations. Big bucks. You catch a coon?

I was shot at. Somebody's sure trying to scare me off.

And they'd kill me to underline the threat.

You were shot at? Yep. Now, who would do that?

Damn shame. I'll go outside and see what's goin' on.

What was it? I thought I saw somethin'.

I just fired in the air to scare whatever it was.

I didn't sleep well, and it wasn't the fault of the water bed.

Something was rotten in this whole situation.

Figuring that the thug who dropped my watch... was the guy who stole it at the morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes.

Larry Holmes could've figured that out.

I wasn't sure who'd be taking the next shot at me, so I decided to work alone.

I've got just what you asked for.

Stop salivating. I'm sending you my Laker high-tops for lab analysis.

He's behaving very strangely. He must be in trouble.

Somebody must be holding a gun to his head.

Fletch, if you need rescuing, just say:

"I believe Louisiana is the Pelican State."

Okay, Frank. I believe Louisiana is the Pelican State, as a matter of fact.

What do you have on Farnsworth? I've got everything you need.

Farnsworth. Former used-car salesman in Biloxi.

In '77, he pleaded "no contest" to a charge of cheque-kiting.

'81, businessmen helped him found the Farnsworth Television Ministry.

Our source is indicating he may be a target of Federal investigation.

Anything else? Er, two marriages.

One daughter goes by wife's maiden name. Becky Culpepper.

It was hard to believe that Becky was Farnsworth's daughter.

But I wasn't gonna hold it against her.

If I held anything against her, it wouldn't be her father.

I heard about the fire. I hope you're okay.

I'm fine.

I was lying in the embers of my house, calming my nerves... after being shot at. What? You were shot at?

I was thinking "What a good day to sell up and move back to Los Angeles."

Is the buyer still interested?

No, I'm afraid he withdrew.

I have five minutes on the metre. Let's talk.

Now, why don't you tell me who your client is?

Is it the Farnsworth Ministry?

Why would you say that? And who is shooting at you?

Maybe the Reverend Farnsworth.

Look, Jimmy Lee Farnsworth may be a lot of things... but he's not a murderer. You're right, he is many things.

A former used-car salesman, a confessed embezzler, your father... good square dancer.

That's right, he is my father.

But I'm also telling you the truth.

Becky, somebody wants my land bad enough to kill me for it.

If you don't tell me who your client is, I'm gonna find out some other way.

It's guest healer's night with Jimmy Lee on this, the 4,323rd edition of our show with tonight's special guests... people with the healing gift.

Excuse me. May I have your name? I'm Claude Henry...

Claude Henry... Claude Henry.

Claude... Claude or Clod is good. Henry.

Henry... Smmoot.

S-M-M-O-T-T. I'm sorry. Two "Os", one "T".

Claude Henry Smmoot. A guest healer. I'm a guest healer.

Yes. Healed. God bless you.

With Mimsy Carlyle.

Wait here. The heavenly feet of Damon Feather.

God's simian favorite, Mr. Coco.

The guest healers who volunteered for tonight's show will follow Jimmy Lee.

And now the founder of our show... your friend, Mr. Good News himself...

Jimmy Lee Farnsworth.

As you know...

I have a feeling that there's someone out there... who needs to step forward. Gordon Joe James.

Gordon Joe James. Who are you?

Gordon Joe lost a limb to a pit bull.

Gordon Joe, will you please raise your right hand?

Left hand. Excuse me, left hand.

There you are!

Bibleland Two. Jimmy Lee's dream.

He was like some deranged Walt Disney.

It was all in front of me. Ham Johnson's place.

His mother's bequest.

Belle Isle.

The numbers on the boxes were certainly not zip codes. Maybe computer codes.

All I needed now was a computer... and a ten-year-old kid to teach me to use it.

Cash or check or MasterCard... MasterCard...!

Bobby Ralph?

Peter Lemonjello. Your house is on fire.

What? They told me to tell you.

I'll take over. God bless you!

God bless you for believing this shit.

There was a new element I didn't anticipate:

A second suspect.

Becky's client was not the ministry, but Everest Development.

She never knew who they were.

Becky was a good girl, and wouldn't have to be spanked. Damn it.

Who's gonna be the next one to get the call? Who's gonna be the next one saved?

Who's going to be... T'Boo Ted Marshall.

T'Boo Ted Marshall, are you with us tonight?

Yes, indeed, Reverend! But how can God help my problem?

T'Boo Ted is a... compulsive gambler.

T'Boo Ted, the first thing you gotta do is expose that problem!

Excuse me?

If you can't expose that problem, at least to your family... it grows and grows, and becomes an even bigger problem!

That's true!

He's been a compulsive gambler for 20 years.

Because you've had this affliction for more than 20 years...

I think you should expose that problem to us.

Right here... tonight.

I want you to do it. The good Lord wants you to do it!

You really think so? I know so!

Do it. Do it now!

Well, if you say so.

Oh God! Put your pants back on!

Coming right back to introduce our guest healers.

Let's welcome all of them beginning with Claude Henry Smmoot.

Come on out, Claude!

Here we are. I have a headache.

No, this way.

You're gonna do just fine. Now, get out there. Go on.

I said, get out there now!

Here he is! Make him welcome, folks!

Welcome, Claude Henry. When was the very first time... the very first moment that made the difference in your life?

Well, Jimmy Lee, I was... I was... on my gazebo, on the roof making some repairs... and I was struck by lightning.

I have had acute migraine headaches and blurred vision since then.

But praise the Lord, that was my lucky day because... ever since then I have had the healing power.

Amen. God bless you. Thank you very much. Good night.

Claude Henry. Good night. What happened?

Before you heal another... would you like for me to attempt to heal your own affliction?

No, no! No, no.

No, those of us with perfect faith have no need of perfect vision.

We have no need of wisdom.

We have no need of anything except the creature comforts and lots of them.

Hallelujah! Amen! God bless you. Amen. Thank you. Hallelujah.

Ladies and gentlemen, he sees more than he doth know.

Yes, I do. Amen!

Claude Henry has the gift!

Would you use that gift, Claude Henry? Would you use it now?

I guess I could. Praise be.

Reverend, I sense that in our audience... there is a gentleman by the name of Jim Bob.

Jim Bob, would you stand up? Would you rise, please?

Sixteen, seventeen...

I sense that Jim Bob is a young man.

That he is between the ages of 25, 27.

That's more like it.

The Lord is telling me that Jim Bob suffers from the same...

Satanized affliction that I suffer from. Migraine headaches.

Don't you, Jim Bob? Is that you?

Come on down, Jim Bob!

Praise be! Hallelujah! Amen!

Praise the Lord! Be saved!

Jim Bob, welcome. God bless you.

Jim Bob, how long have you had these headaches?

About five, 10 minutes. God... help him!

And how do you feel now? It's a throbbing...

God bless you. A headache comes up through your heels... up through the hip bone, up the spine, up through your back... through your head like Satan was belching through you?

Is that it? Exactly.

Do you believe? I believe.

He believes! Hallelujah! Amen! God bless. Amen. Hallelujah.

Rid this man of these headache demons, of these migraine demons.

Heal this man!

Amen. Amen.

Hallelujah! Oh, good golly, Miss Molly!

How do you feel? My headache is gone, but...

God bless him! Anything else I can do?

No! No. Good! God bless you. Praise be.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.

I am worn to the bone.

Thank you for gracing us with your presence.

Good night. Praise be!

Maybe I was wrong about Farnsworth.

There was a new player in the game. Becky's unknown client.

The only way to find out more was to get into her pants...

I mean, her car. At least it had brakes. Her car, that is.

Fletch, what are you doing?

The guy who works in there stole my watch.

He dropped it while trying to kill me.

I'd just as soon he not recognize me.

I'd like to keep an eye on him. Maybe he'll lead us to his boss.

How long are we gonna be here? Bored?

Oh, no! This is exciting!

Fletch? What?

I have to pee.

This used to happen when I'd play hide-and-seek.

I always got caught. Think the morgue has a ladies' room?

Hey!

Not so close. Try to get a little distance between you.


I'm gonna have to play it pretty tough in there. Still have to pee?

I gather the rain isn't helping a lot.

There's always the bushes. I'll be okay.

If I'm not back in five minutes, call your dad.


Could I have a soda, please? Diet Pepsi or a Tab would be good.

Hey, pussy. Name's Ed. Ed Harley.

Are you sure you're in the right place?

I think so. "Think so"!

Ed, what are you doin' here?

I'll give you a hint.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

You don't get it?

You're the one that doesn't get it.

Ed Harley. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles.

You own the company? Well, my granddaddy started it.

Then my daddy screwed Davidson out of his half. Now I own the whole thing.

Harley-Davidson? No shit? No shit.

Hey, y'all, Ed, the Third here owns Harley-Davidson!

We're the Nazis from Natchez! Hey, have a real drink!


Who you callin', babe?

Knock it off! Yo, boss, look who's here!

Harley-Davidson. Yo, Ed, come over here and meet the boss.

Hi. Ed Harley, the Third. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles.

If you need any T-shirts or decals, I can make arrangements for you.

I just can't wait.

What model do you ride? '78 XL.

'78 XL? That's a legend! It's not blue, is it?

You in luck, white boy. Come on.

There she is. Ain't she beautiful? Original blue!

Oh, she is a beaut.

Gee, golly, I'd love to ride this '78 XL.

Nobody... touches my hog.

Sorry.

You can ride that low-rider.

Hell, we'll all ride. Fire 'em up!

Do you mind if er... Darlene.

...if Darlene rides with me? Feeling a little horny, Ed?

Yeah. You know, my life isn't all hubs and gears.

Take it easy.

Little murky in the oxydol.

We can flush that out, streamline it.

Hey, your moustache looks funny.

Oh boy...

Hey, look at that! Came off.


What we gonna do?

Something that will seem extremely stupid at first.


Oh, my God!

Home!

Oh, my God! I'm a mess.

You want some coffee? Sure.

I look like a raccoon.

I gotta get to work... but I don't know why. All I do is sit with nothing to do.

To tell you the truth, the only work I've had lately has been with Everest Realty.

Look what that's gotten me. Can I use your phone?

Sure, go ahead.

That's toxic waste on the soles. What have you been doing?

Jogging in the love canal. What do you mean, toxic waste?

It's special stuff. There's only 11 places that make this shit.

Where?

Just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey.

Ah, there's only one. Yazoo, Mississippi.

Bingo.

I wanna thank you for everything you've done.

I'm sorry I caused such a mess.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Did you finally get to pee?

Yes.

Good.

You better get cleaned up.

Yeah. Particularly my mind.

Where's the shampoo? I'll get you some.

You'll need a clean towel too.

No, yours will be fine. Fletch!

You're right. This is too wet.

You know how to get to Yazoo? Well, you're in the right vicinity.

The church seemed less and less culpable.

Why would they want toxic waste next to their land? Why would anybody?

Why are there four "S"'s in Mississippi? Four "I"'s and only two "P"'s... and one "M" as far as I know?

Bly Bio Chem was the biggest chemical plant in Mississippi.

My Laker shoes were ruined by toxic waste produced there.

They probably knew who delivered it to my backyard.

Now the lead-lined containers painted with innocent bluebirds added a crucial piece to the puzzle... that had begun way back in Amanda Ross's pants... I mean, bedroom.

This is a secure area.

I'm very happy for you. Most people live in terrible neighborhoods.

Are you the head honcho? That's right, sir. Hedly Dan Duke.

And what seems to be your problem?

I agreed to take a shit load of that Bluebird crap off your hands.

And it ain't come yet. I'm sorry, sir. And you are?

I are pissed!

Some damn fool told me it was on back order, and I'd have to wait.

Whose signature is this? I can't read...

Well, that's the trouble! That's typical of a large corporation.

Lack of communication. That's why I like to keep Everest small.

Oh, you're from Everest? Now you're talkin'!

Elmer Gantry. Elmer Fudd Gantry. I don't know if I can do anything.

You could pull my file instead of standing there pulling your pud!

Whatever you say, sir.

Bring me the Everest file. Yes, sir.

Mr. Gantry?

I apologize for my bellicosity. I've had a hernia operation.

Is that the stuff I'm getting? Yes, sir.

Why are they wearing those suits?

They're protective. As you know, that's a very corrosive by-product.

I guess if they didn't wear them, they'd be so full of holes... they'd whistle when they walked.

I've been spitting up blood, pissing blood, bleeding.

I go through five of these suits a day.

It appears you have your facts wrong, Mr. Gantry.

Your company is supposed to get 1500 gallons.

Destination is someplace called Belle Isle in Louisiana.

Signed for by an officer of your company and due the 23rd.

So... we're right, and you're wrong.

Let me see that.

Takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am not a big man.

We're late again, because you had to stay late at the jail.

I'm sorry. Just get out.

Are you all right? You're wrecking my present.

That's my fault?

Wash and gas it. Check the brake fluid, will ya?

My friends, ladies and gentlemen.

With all the fun we've been having, let's not forget our real purpose here tonight.

To preserve the legacy that nature has given us.

Bob Lee. Bob E. Lee.

Bob E. Lee. Bob Lee Schwartz.

Schwartz. Schwartz, the Second.


Fletch!

What you doin' here? What are you doin' here?

You know me. I ain't happy unless I'm working.

Why, Fletch, I'm surprised to see you here, sir. Welcome, sir, welcome.

My pleasure. Thank you for not inviting me.

I do believe we have something to discuss.

Oh. Well, might I suggest we repair ourselves to a quieter place.

Let us remove ourselves, shall we?

Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou.

My mama's room.

I've kept it just the way it was when she died.

Her ashes?

She used to say, "We come from the earth and we return to the earth... and in between, we garden."

A little gardening... a little polluting.

They spelled my name wrong.

My gun's made of rubber. How 'bout yours?

No. I see your point. Wouldn't do for your conservationist guests... to hear about that load of toxic waste heading for my land at Belle Isle.

My land... at Belle Isle, Fletch.

After you die, who's gonna prove that you did not sell your land to Everest?

You may have this town in your back pocket... but a lot of people downstairs will be interested... in the hows and whys of Amanda Ray's death.

She knew about Bluebird. She started a file on you, and you found out.

That was my lucky night. I found the Bluebird file, the night you porked her.

It was like an alligator shoot on the freeway, if you'll excuse the metaphor.

It's not a metaphor, it's a simile. Whatever.

You poisoned Amanda, figuring I'd sell and leave if I faced a murder charge.

I don't scare easy. I'm too dumb. So it would seem.

Now get out of my mama's chair before I put the first bullet up your nose.

Are you kidding?

Pull that trigger and 100 people will be up here.

My dear boy, why would I do my own dirty work?

Those 100 do-gooders down there dressed in rebel crap will be my alibi.

Now get outta my mama's chair!

I synchronized my Laker watch with Miss Culpepper's Timex.

If I don't join her in 10 minutes... the whole ugly story goes out on the Farnsworth Network.

Of course, it's cable, but... You're bluffing, Fletch.

No, I'm not. You think you're not, but you are.

Swell.

Did he hurt you? Not yet. That comes later.

Sorry, Becky.

The band won't take a break for some time, so screaming would be futile.

Mr. Fletch's convenient appearance has allowed us... to move up our plans for your demise to coincide with his.

Now I'm goin' downstairs to be the gracious host.

Do what you have to do.

The Bride of Frankenstein. Put my mama down!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, how clumsy of me.

Oops! I'm sorry. I stepped right on her moustache.

Get away! Get away!

I was just trying to help. It's all right, Mama.

Be more careful with your breakables.

I've been careful all my life.

When she was sick, I was careful.

Then that goddamn Jimmy Lee's Ministry, taking everything she had.

Bloodsuckers!

It's gonna be all right, Mama.

And when we're far, far away from this godforsaken chemical swamp... we're gonna sit back and watch 'em all just decompose.

That'll be good for Bibleland, their customers glowing in the dark.

I hope they all fry in hell!

You bloodsucking bastards! Isn't this interesting?

Put that down. She is in there.

Put that down. That's very fragile. She's lost a little weight.

I thought you had her stuffed and mounted. Head's up!

Becky!

Swine...! Darryl, are you having a good time?


Welcome to great Noah's Ark... where we have a flood every 10 minutes.

No! This way.

Join our pyramid of prayer.

For only $12, you begin your exciting journey up the pyramid.

And when you reach the top, you're gonna be the target of 20,000 prayers!

Amen.

A lady in Fargo broke the chain and began a five-day fit of sneezing... that ended in her death. Daddy?

Well, Mr. Fletcher, what a pleasant surprise. And, Becky, what are you...

Look who's here! Hamilton Johnson! Friend of the community.

Ham, you look like you've worked up quite a sweat.

You should dry your hair. Want a towel?

Uh-oh, he's got a gun.

Show your lovely face on national television.

Let 'em see that greedy glint in your eye and hear that bullshit chuckle.

Who's gonna save you now, Fletch?

You'll have to shoot through me, you son of a bitch!

He's not gonna shoot anybody. Are you? You're on television.

You haven't got the guts.

My mistake. Freeze!

FBI. Drop the gun! I said, drop it. Harry!

And it's my plan to rerun this incident every night during Sweeps Week.

The obvious question is, what did you know and when?

How long would you let me twist in the wind?

Up to a point. The Agency was barking up the same tree you were.

Jimmy Lee's finances. Yep.

Harry and Field Officer Vincent infiltrated the Ministry.

Field Officer Vincent?

That's Mr. Coco's real name.

We've been working on this case for over a year.

Excuse me, Agent Goldstein, can the officer speak to you?

Surely. On the way. Goldstein?

Thank you, sir.

Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead.

So what's next, Fletch? Back to L.A.?

There's no place like home. Unless home is here.

You know what? We gotta get you away from this chemical swamp.

I was wondering, do you like smog?

Back home there was a surprise party for me.

But the nicest surprise was an insurance check for the Belle Isle fire.

$100,000.

No one stopped Bly Bio Chem from dumping that toxic waste on my land.

They told me not to worry. Its half-life was estimated at 3,000 years.

Everything okay, Fletch?

Betty was pissed off about giving up her office... and Accounting gave me flak about the new car.

But trust me, everything's gonna be just the way you want it, maybe better.

I like your attitude, Frank.

Excuse me just a sec. What a guy!

I thought I told you... never to come to my workplace.

Time's change, my dear Fletch.

Rumor has it that you inherited a sizable piece of property.

Who told you? I have my sources too.

They suggest you may have been considering skipping town... and retiring on this vast estate.

Thus skipping out on your responsibilities.

Would I do that? Wendy could probably get half of it.

So in return for the other half, we would forego any other claims.

Think about it. You would never see me again.

Where do I sign?

I'll never see you again? Never.

You realize this is my family land?

Does it please you to rip out my ancestral roots?

I was born and raised in a briar patch.

Now Wendy can live a life of leisure.

Clean air, clean water. This is the way she was destined to live.

Okay, Gillet. You've broken me.

I hope you're happy.