Folk Hero & Funny Guy (2016) Script

[MAN] YOU CUT ME.

YOU CUT ME. YOU CUT ME TO THE CORE.

YOU CUT ME, YOU CUT ME, YOU CUT ME TO THE CORE.

I NEED YOU.

-THANK YOU. -[EMCEE] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S DAVID KADOWSKI EVERYBODY.

AND REMEMBER, GUYS, WHEN YOU GET THE LIGHT THAT MEANS YOU REALLY HAVE TO WRAP IT UP.

WE CAN'T KEEP GOING OVER. ALL RIGHT, WE ARE AT NUMBER 37, PAUL SCOTT.

-PAUL SCOTT, ANOTHER NO SHOW. -[MAN] NO!

PAUL SCOTT? ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE

-FOR PAUL SCOTT, YEAH. -[MILD APPLAUSE]

THANKS A LOT. THANK YOU.

SO, I HAVE THIS BUDDY. HE'S A MUSICIAN, PRETTY FAMOUS.

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

AND A FEW MONTHS AGO...

-I WENT ON A ROAD TRIP -[DISTANT CHEERING]

WITH A BUDDY. AND IT WAS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.

WE'D KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

-[WOMAN] LOVE YOU, DAVID! -AND HE'S A COMEDIAN.

HE'S A VERY FUNNY GUY.

UM, BUT, HE WAS KIND OF DOWN ON HIS LUCK, AND HE ASKED ME IF I WANT TO OPEN UP FOR HIM ON HIS EAST COAST TOUR.

SOUNDS PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

-NO, IT WAS A FUCKING-- -BREAKTHROUGH.

-[MAN] YEAH, WHOO! -A BREAKTHROUGH.

AND IT WAS TWO FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW, TWO ARTISTS, REALLY, TRAVELING THROUGH THE FORGOTTEN COASTAL TOWNS OF AMERICA, TRYING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS WITH PEOPLE.

NO PRESS AGENTS, NO PUBLICITY, JUST A MAN AND HIS MICROPHONE.

ANYWAY, I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS SONG TO MY BUDDY, PAUL.

-[CHEERING] -AND, UH, SHOULD BE GOOD.

* I SHIVER, I SHAKE, YEAH, I'M COLD WHEN I WAKE *

* THE DREAM I WAS HAVING, I'M GLAD IT WAS FAKE *

* MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT, I HAVE TO RELAX *

* THESE THOUGHTS I AM HAVING ARE HOLDING ME BACK *

* IT MAY SOUND DEPRESSING, YEAH, I KNOW IT'S SO SAD, * IT'S THE HAPPIEST THOUGHT THAT I'VE EVER HAD *

* THEN HOW COME I WAKE AND I FEEL I WILL BREAK *

* YEAH, I'M BROKEN

* THE FEELING COLLAPSING INSIDE ME *

* MY LIFE, WELL, I STRUGGLE INSIDE *

* COULD YOU PLEASE BE MY CONSTANT *

* CAUSE I HAVE 50 THOUGHTS AT A TIME *

* YEAH, DON'T LEAVE ME NOW

* I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

* DON'T LEAVE ME NOW

* I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

* CAUSE I'M BROKEN WHO OWNS A FLAT SCREEN TV HERE?

ANYBODY HAVE A FLAT SCREEN TV?

I RECENTLY GOT A HUGE FLAT SCREEN TV, I WENT TO THE DEPARTMENT STORE, AND THE GUY WAS LIKE "THIS IS A 42-INCH TELEVISION."

I WAS LIKE, "REALLY? I DON'T REALLY THINK IT'S 42 INCHES."

I TOOK OUT MY TAPE MEASURE. IT WAS 37 AND A HALF INCHES.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THIS? THIS IS 37 AN A HALF INCHES."

HE SAYS. "OH, NO, NO, YOU GOTTA MEASURE IT DIAGONALLY."

LATER ON THAT NIGHT I WAS GETTING FRISKY WITH MY LADY BACK AT MY PLACE, SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU DON'T HAVE AN EIGHT INCH PENIS."

I WAS LIKE, "NO SWEETHEART, WE GOTTA MEASURE IT DIAGONALLY."

[CROWD CHUCKLES]

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD.

-GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. -[APPLAUSE]

-HEY, RANDY. -HAVE A SEAT.

YOU GOT YOUR DRINK TICKETS?

-I DO, YEAH, THANKS. -HOW'S EMILY?

GOOD. GOOD.

WE BROKE UP, BUT I HEAR SHE'S GOOD.

OH, MAN, I'M SORRY. SHE WAS VERY ATTRACTIVE.

YEAH, YEAH, STILL IS.

STILL IS ATTRACTIVE. STILL ALIVE.

YOU GUYS WERE ENGAGED, RIGHT?

-YEAH, MM-HMM. -SUCKS, MAN.

-THAT'S WHY I NEVER DATE HOT GIRLS. -YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT, HOW DID YOU FEEL?

GOOD, GOOD, I THINK IT WENT PRETTY WELL.

THE CROWD SEEMED A LITTLE-- A LITTLE DISTANT, BUT I THINK IT WAS GOOD.

YEAH, SURE.

-WHY? HOW DO YOU THINK IT WENT? -ME?

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, I'M STARTING TO THINK MAYBE THE ACT HASN'T CHANGED THAT MUCH IN A FEW YEARS.

MAYBE IT'S STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE EARLY AUGHTS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT WHOLE LINKEDIN VERSUS FACEBOOK RANT?

I MEAN, ISN'T THAT BASICALLY JUST A REWORKING OF YOUR MYSPACE BIT THAT YOU USED TO DO?

EVERYTHING IS REWORKED FROM SOMETHING ELSE.

DIDN'T YOU DO LIKE A FRIENDSTER BIT BEFORE YOU DID THE MYSPACE THING?

THAT'S MY POINT, LIKE, IT'S JUST WITH THE--

YOU'RE JUST FILLING IN NEW PIECES INTO A PRE-EXISTING STRUCTURE.

ANYWAY, LOOK, I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH TIME UP THERE.

IT'S ALL SETUP, PUNCH LINE, SETUP, PUNCH LINE.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IT'S YOUR DELIVERY OR--

YEAH, WELL, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT, DOING LIKE 30 OR 35 MINUTE HEADLINING SET AND I FEEL I CAN REALLY KIND OF GET INTO THE RHYTHM WITH THESE ANECDOTES, LIKE LETTING IT ROAM.

YEAH, WE CAN DO THAT. WE CAN DEFINITELY DO THAT.

COOL.

OR THE OTHER OPTION IS YOU TAKE SOME TIME OFF, YOU COME BACK WHEN YOU HAVE 15 OR 20 MINUTES OF LIKE, FRESH MATERIAL.

GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO REBOOT.

RECHARGE A LITTLE BIT.

RECHARGE.

-THIS KID'S FUNNY. -[CROWD LAUGHING]

DROPPED SOMETHING.

[PHONE RINGING]

-HELLO? -HEY MAN, WHAT'S UP?

-JASON? -YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON, DUDE?

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

YOU CALLING ME FROM A NEW PHONE?

NO, NO, NO, I'M ON STACY'S PHONE.

STA- WHO'S STACY?

STACY'S A FRIEND OF MINE. SHE JUST-- SHE'S REALLY HOT.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW?

WE'RE AT THE ICE BAR.

YOU SHOULD COME DOWN HERE AND GET A DRINK.

DUDE, I CAN'T. I'M SORRY. I'D LOVE TO.

WHEN ARE YOU BACK IN TOWN?

I LEAVE TOMORROW MORNING, SO YOU'VE GOTTA COME NOW, MAN.

THERE'S THREE GIRLS HERE, THEY'RE SUPER GOOD-LOOKING.

COME ON.

OKAY, ONE DRINK.

HE HAS NO IDEA. HE'S LOST IN THE MUSIC.

TURNS OUT HE DIDN'T TAKE ECSTASY, HE TOOK MY DAD'S DICK PILLS.

-I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS. -RIGHT?

DUDE, YOU SHOULD WORK THAT IN YOUR ACT, MAN.

-YOU'RE A STANDUP? -YEAH, HE IS.

PAUL'S THE FUNNIEST GUY I KNOW.

YEAH? GO AHEAD, TELL US A JOKE.

YEAH, TELL US A JOKE.

I USUALLY TELL-- I USUALLY DO THAT ON STAGE WHERE-- WITH AN AUDIENCE.

IT'S A CONTEXT THING. I DON'T TELL JOKES, REALLY.

WELL, I MEAN WE HUNG OUT AT THIS AFTER PARTY WITH CHRIS ROCK, HE WAS AMAZING WITH JUST A COUPLE OF US.

HE WAS TELLING JOKES ALL NIGHT.

THAT'S CHRIS ROCK. WHEN YOU'RE IN THAT PANTHEON, LIKE RICHARD PRYOR, AND GEORGE CARLIN, AND STEVE MARTIN, -LIKE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. -WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, HEAR ME OUT HERE, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT IF YOU COME ON TOUR WITH ME?

-OH, THAT'S AWESOME. -WHAT? LIKE A GROUPIE?

I MEAN NO OFFENSE.

-NO, NOT-- -WE'RE NOT GROUPIES.

-SERIOUSLY. -NO, I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

-NO. -NOT LIKE A GROUPIE, -AND NO YOU GUYS ARE NOT GROUPIES. -DEFINITELY NOT.

NO, AS MY OPENING ACT, MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS?

YOU WANT ME TO OPEN UP FOR YOUR BAND?

OH, IF YOU DON'T WANNA DO IT, MY COUSIN ACTUALLY KNOWS HANNIBAL BURESS. BE PERFECT FOR YOU.

I DIDN'T SAY I DON'T WANNA DO IT, I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW, JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO THINK ABOUT IT.

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT FOR TOO LONG, YOU KNOW?

ALL RIGHT, READY? HERE'S TO COMEDY

-BEFORE FOLK ROCK. -CHEERS.

[HORN HONKS]

[PHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

-RISE AND SHINE. -WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? I'M PICKING YOU UP.

DUDE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE BULLSHITTING LAST NIGHT.

NO WAY, DUDE, I WOULDN'T BULLSHIT ABOUT THIS.

WAIT, HOLD THE DOOR! HOLD THE DOOR! I'M COMING UP!

-[KNOCKING] -DAMN.

OKAY, OKAY.

-YO, WHAT'S UP, DUDE? -WHAT'S UP, MAN? HEY.

-WHAT A NIGHT, HUH? -YEAH.

I LIKE WHAT YOU DID WITH THE PLACE. IT'S NICE.

-THANKS, YEAH, IT WAS FEATURED IN "DWELL" MAGAZINE. -FUNNY.

WELL, OUR FIRST STOP'S JERSEY, I WANNA GET ON THE ROAD AND GET GOING BEFORE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC.

JASON, I CAN'T JUST EJECT OUT OF MY LIFE

-AND JOIN THE FUCKING CIRCUS. -DUDE, YOU'RE A TEMP.

-CAN I HAVE A BEER? YOU WANT A BEER? -NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I'M IN A PLACE RIGHT NOW WHERE I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY WRITING, I NEED TO HUNKER DOWN AND FLESH OUT SOME NEW MATERIAL.

WELL, THEN FLESH OUT SOME NEW MATERIAL ON THE ROAD.

YOU ARE ASKING ME TO CREATE AN OPENING ACT FOR A MUSICAL PERFORMANCE.

I CAN'T JUST WHIP IT UP IN AN AFTERNOON.

YOU WERE ON CONAN. OKAY, I'M SURE YOU'LL BE FINE ON MY SOLO ACOUSTIC TOUR.

-YEAH, IN A SKETCH ABOUT BARTMAN. -YEAH.

ANYWAY, MY ROLE WAS A NON-SPEAKING ROLE.

OKAY, IT'S NOT STANDUP. IT'S VERY DIFFERENT.

WELL, WHATEVER, DUDE, I'M SURE IT'LL BE FINE.

JASON, I NEED TO GET MY LIFE IN ORDER.

I NEED TO CLIMB OUT OF DEBT. I NEED TO FIND A MATTRESS THAT DOESN'T HAVE A SLOW LEAK IN IT.

WHAT THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO GO BACK TO ADVERTISING?

NO. NO FUCKING WAY, DUDE.

WHAT? WHAT? MY FORMER BOSS, HE STARTED THIS NEW AGENCY.

-HE'S MAKING SIX FIGURES. -[GROANING]

HAS EQUITY IN STOCK BACKEND OPTIONS OR SOMETHING, HE SAID HE'D GIVE ME AN INTERVIEW IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS.

DUDE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE FUCKING TALKED ABOUT THIS?

A CAREER IN MUSIC? A CAREER IN COMEDY?

THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A LIFETIME COMMITMENT.

AND YOU WANNA LOOK BACK IN FOUR YEARS AND REALIZE THAT YOU GAVE UP BECAUSE A GIRL DUMPED YOU, AND THEN FUCKING MONEY WAS TIGHT?

[PAUL] HEY, MAN, IS THERE ANY CHANCE WE CAN SWING BY MY OLD PLACE?

I'D LOVE TO GRAB MY ROLLING BAG.

[JASON] WHAT? YOU STILL HAVE STUFF AT EMILY'S?

[PAUL] A FEW LITTLE THINGS, YEAH.

THANK YOU.

YOU STILL HAVE A LOT OF STUFF HERE.

YEAH. I'M STILL GETTING SETTLED IN MY NEW PLACE, BABE, -SORRY. -YOU KNOW, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, BUT, CAN YOU NOT KEEP CALLING ME "BABE"?

SORRY, FORCE OF HABIT.

OH, I GOT A CALL FROM THE WEDDING PLANNER.

THE HOTEL'S GONNA GIVE US BACK 50% OF OUR DEPOSIT.

OOH, 50%, HOW GENEROUS OF THEM.

YOU REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE READY TO GET MARRIED?

-I THOUGHT I WAS, YEAH. -YOU REALLY THINK THAT?

YOU WERE OUT AT CLUBS EVERY NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE GONE ON THE WEEKEND.

I RARELY BOOK WEEKEND GIGS.

-VERY RARELY. -OKAY, JUST, ALL RIGHT.

ANYWAY, WHATEVER. I'M SURE YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY HERE WITH...

-ROB? -RON.

RON, THE DJ.

GRANDMASTER RON, RIGHT? THE YANKEES FAN.

HE'S NOT A YANKEES FAN.

-OKAY, HE JUST LIKES THE HAT. -THAT'S EVEN WORSE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR VINTAGE MILWAUKEE BREWERS JACKET?

IN BOSTON, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS.

THEY'RE IN DIFFERENT LEAGUES. IT'S NOT A COMPETITION.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT IRONIC. WHAT'S HIS DJ NAME ANYWAY?

-HE DOESN'T HAVE A DJ NAME. -TOO COOL FOR A DJ NAME.

-NO. -HE'S ABOVE THAT.

-DJ NO NAME. -LOOK, HE IS A NICE GUY, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S HAPPY. HE'S NOT TORTURED.

HE DOESN'T GET ANGRY AT ME IF I ORDER POUR OVER COFFEE.

THAT ONE BARISTA WAS A PRICK.

-OKAY, LOOK-- -WITH HIS LITTLE SPOUT.

OKAY, LOOK, I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T FEEL THE NEED TO CATEGORIZE EVERY KNOWN FLAW IN THE MATERIAL WORLD.

I'M AN OBSERVATIONAL COMIC, BABE. EMILY.

-OKAY? IT'S WHAT I DO. -IS IT?

-YES. -IS IT? BECAUSE THE COMEDY CLUBS DON'T SEEM TO APPRECIATE HOW FUNNY YOU ARE.

THEY BARELY PAY YOU. YOU KNOW, IN ADVERTISING, PEOPLE KNEW HOW TALENTED YOU WERE.

THEY DID. THEY GAVE YOU AWARDS.

I MEAN, THEY STILL ASK ABOUT YOU DOWN AT THE AGENCY ALL THE TIME.

WELL, YOU CAN TELL THEM I'M STILL PAYING MY DUES.

HEY MAN. HOW DID IT GO?

GOOD. REALLY GOOD.

GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.

GOOD.

WHAT SHE WANTED WAS STABILITY. THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTED.

SHE WANTED STABILITY.

SHE WANTED COMFORT. SHE WANTED RELIABILITY.

SHE WANTED A STURDY FOUNDATION TO BUILD A FUTURE ON.

AND I GET IT. THAT'S WHAT I WANTED, TOO. I CAN'T BLAME HER FOR THAT.

YEAH. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHERE DO YOU THINK THAT COMES FROM?

CERTAINLY DOESN'T COME FROM BEING WITH SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN YOU, AND I BELIEVE IN YOU.

AND YOU USED TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING ON THIS TOUR.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE GONNA GO TO PHILLY, WE'RE GONNA GO TO D.C., WE'RE GONNA GO ALL THE WAY DOWN TO GEORGIA, MAN.

AND IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOUR MOJO BACK.

-MOJO? -YEAH!

I'M NOT LOOKING TO DATE ANYONE, JASON.

WHO SAID ABOUT DATING ANYBODY?

THIS IS THE ROAD, OKAY?

COMMITMENTS RUN LIGHT.

SHIT, GET THIS MAN A BEER.

GET HIM A BEER. HERE WE GO!

YEAH, BEER HIM UP.

GUYS! TO THE TOUR, RIGHT?

-TO THE TOUR! -TO THE TOUR!

-TO THE TOUR! -TO THE TOUR! YEAH!

HERE WE GO!

[MAN] WE'RE AT THE CITY CENTER.

-WELL, WE'RE HERE. -ALL RIGHT, CHUG THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE HERE. WE GOTTA GO.

[JASON SIGHS]

OH, WHERE? WE'RE PLAYING HERE TONIGHT?

NO, NO, NO. IN A FEW MONTHS WE WILL BE THOUGH.

GREAT TOUR, GUYS. WAY TO GO.

-SHOULD I GET MY BAG? -YEAH, GET YOUR BAG.

DRIVE SAFE, GUYS.

-OH. -OH, IS THAT YOUR CAR FROM COLLEGE?

YEAH. I FIXED IT UP. PUT A LITTLE MONEY INTO IT.

WELL, WHAT'S IT DOING HERE?

[CHUCKLES] YOU KINDA NEED A CAR FOR A ROAD TRIP.

-RIGHT? -WE'RE NOT GOING ON THE BUS?

WHAT? NO.

-THE BUS? -YEAH.

THE BUS IS LIKE 25 GRAND A WEEK, MAN.

I'M DOING GOOD, BUT NOT THAT GOOD.

NO, MAN, IT'S JUST US, THE ROAD, AND THE SWEDISH PICK-UP.

[PAUL] OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT, LET'S HEAR YOUR LIST.

[JASON] OKAY, WELL, MINE IS LIKE, YOU GOT SIX, PAUL SIMON.

OKAY.

-FIVE, NEIL YOUNG. -OKAY.

-WE GOT FOUR, CAT STEVENS. -CAT STEVENS?

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN CAT STEVENS? -FUMBLE.

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "FUMBLE"? -FUMBLE.

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? -THAT'S A FUMBLE.

IT'S MY LIST. I CAN HAVE CAT STEVENS IF I WANT.

FUMBLE RECOVERED BY THE DEFENSE.

I RESPECTED YOUR LIST. RESPECT MY LIST.

-OKAY. -OKAY?

FOUR, CAT STEVENS. THREE, TOM PETTY.

-AND BRUCE OBVIOUSLY IS ONLY SECOND TO-- -DYLAN.

-BOB DYLAN. -OKAY, AND WHAT ABOUT JOHN LENNON?

NO ROOM FOR JOHN LENNON? ONE OF THE GREATEST ARTISTS OF ALL TIME?

THIS IS A TOUGH ONE, BUT JOHN LENNON, HE'S A BEATLE, AND WE'RE DOING SOLO ARTISTS.

WELL, HE WAS A SOLO ARTIST FOR A WHILE.

BUT, OKAY, WHAT IF THE BEATLES WERE CALLED JOHN LENNON AND THE BEATLES? THEN WHAT?

WELL, THEN, HE'D BE LEAVING WHAT, LIKE THE TOP SPOT IN BANDS TO BE NUMBER THREE IN SOLO ARTISTS?

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'D WANT TO DO THAT.

BY THE WAY, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN IS PART OF THE E STREET BAND.

-THAT'S TRUE. -NOT TO MAKE A TECHNICALITY, BUT, YOU KNOW?

-THAT'S A PROBLEM. -ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WITH BRUCE, IT'S BRUCE, MAN.

OKAY, SO THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO BRUCE.

RULES DON'T APPLY TO BRUCE.

[AS BRUCE] MY DADDY USED TO TAKE ME DOWN TO THE OLD ABANDONED CADILLAC FACTORY.

HOLD ON! WHY DID YOUR DADDY TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE OLD ABANDONED CADILLAC FACTORY?

OH, IT'S BECAUSE MY DAD LIKED TO BE UNEMPLOYED.

WE'D HAVE ALL DAY TO JUST THROW THE OLD BASEBALL AROUND.

I USED TO KNOW THIS FOLK SINGER.

-WHO? -YEAH.

-YEAH. -HE WAS TALL, LOOKED LIKE TARZAN, BUT HE HAD A BIG BEARD. DIDN'T SMELL SO GOOD.

I SAID, "I KNOW THIS FUNNY GUY."

AND I SAID "YOU TWO SHOULD GO ON THE ROAD TOGETHER.

PUT THAT FUNNY GUY ON THE ROAD WITH YOU.

SEND HIM TO ALL THOSE ABANDONED COLLEGE BARS, AND BROKEN DOWN LITTLE MUSIC VENUES.

THIS ONE'S CALLED 'FOLK HERO AND FUNNY GUY.'"

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

[PAUL] HOW ABOUT OUTBACK? OUTBACK'S GOOD?

[JASON] I DON'T WANNA EAT AT A CHAIN.

[PAUL] DUDE, I'M STARVING. COME ON.

[JASON] BELIEVE ME, I'M STARVING, TOO.

OKAY, I'M HUNGRY. I'M JUST AS HUNGRY AS YOU ARE, BUT WE JUST GOTTA GET OFF THIS FUCKING HIGHWAY.

* I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MINE OKAY, THIS IS WHAT WE NEED RIGHT HERE.

HI, HOW'S IT GOING? TWO PLEASE.

-DRINKS ON THE BACK. -GREAT, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND YOU CAN SIT WHEREVER. -THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I AM GOING TO DEVOUR EVERY MEAT-BASED ITEM ON THIS MENU.

I BET YOU THEY GOT HOMEMADE PIE HERE.

I'M GONNA GET YOU GUYS SOME WATER, -I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. -WAIT! ONE SECOND.

-WAIT, ACTUALLY, I'VE GOT A COUPLE QUESTIONS ABOUT BEER. -YEAH, SURE. MM-HMM?

I WAS LOOKING FOR AN IPA. DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY KIND OF LIKE NON-PINEY, OR TOO HOPPY--

-CAN I GET A VODKA SODA? -WE HAVE COCKTAILS ON THE BACK.

-YOU DON'T WANNA TRY SOMETHING FANCY? -NO, JUST LIKE A WELL VODKA.

DO YOU GUYS HAVE THOSE FLIGHTS OF BEERS? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THEY HAVE FOUR DIFFERENT KINDS?

NO. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WE DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE. SORRY.

OH, OKAY. I'M GONNA DO THE BRIMMER LAGER.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD. YEAH. GREAT. THANK YOU.

UH, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I SAW YOU PLAY AT GARDEN STATE ARTS CENTER LAST YEAR.

OH, COOL. THAT WAS A GOOD SHOW.

AND THEN I SAW YOU THE YEAR BEFORE AT BEACON THEATER.

-COOL. -YEAH, I'M ALSO-- CAN I GET A BOWL OF CHILI?

AND THEN THIS GOES WAY BACK, BUT WHEN YOU OPENED FOR MUMFORD AND SONS AT THE POCONOS RACEWAY, OH, MY GOD, A REAL FAN.

-WELL, NO, I JUST LIKE MUSIC, YOU KNOW? -YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M NOT JUST A WAITRESS.

-I BLOG. -OH, REALLY?

-YEAH. -THAT'S COOL.

OH, WE HAVE AN OPEN MIC NIGHT TONIGHT.

-YOU HAVE TO PLAY. -AN OPEN MIC NIGHT.

-I KNOW, IT'S PERFECT. -[GROANING]

NO, NO, NO, IT WOULD BE EPIC. IT WOULD BE--

YEAH? IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO US.

I JUST DON'T REALLY DO ANY OPEN MICS ANYMORE.

[SIGHS] I KNOW, BUT IT-- THIS IS A COOL SPACE, LIKE THE CROWD'S AWESOME. IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO US.

IT WOULD BE REALLY COOL.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T YOU GET THIS GUY TO GET UP ON STAGE AND DO SOME STAND UP

-AND THEN MAYBE I'LL GET UP AND DO A SET. -COMEDY?

-YEAH. -GREAT.

IF-- YOU REALLY WANNA DO A SET?

-LET'S DO A SET. -SURE, YEAH, I'LL DO A QUICK SET, YEAH.

YEAH, I'LL GO SIGN YOU GUYS UP. PERFECT.

OH, OH, WAIT, ONE SECOND. WE'RE ACTUALLY REALLY HUNGRY.

I'M GONNA GET THE PHILLY CHEESESTEAK, THE WINGS, AND THE CURLY FRIES.

I'M GONNA STOP YOU THERE. OUR KITCHEN'S BEEN CLOSED SINCE 9:00.

-WHAT? -SORRY.

-REALLY, AND THERE'S-- -DID NO ONE TELL YOU?

WHO'S SUPPOSED TO TELL ME BESIDES YOU?

WE HAVE SOME CHIPS.

AND WE HAVE JALAPENO, BUFFALO BLUE CHEESE, -SALT AND VINEGAR. -OH, THEY'RE HOMEMADE?

-NO. -OH.

OR, OH! THERE'S HALF A HAMBURGER IN THE BACK, UM, BUSBOY CLEARED IT OFF THE TABLE, NOBODY TOUCHED IT.

IT'S NOT GROSS. I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

I'M JUST GONNA STICK WITH THE CHIPS.

JUST A BAG OF JALAPENO CHIPS, PLEASE.

AND I'LL DO THE-- I'LL DO THE SALT AND VINEGAR.

-COOL. -GREAT, THANK YOU.

TELL ME YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

COME ON.

* IF HAPPY GIRLS ARE THE PRETTIEST GIRLS *

* THEN THIS IS ONE UGLY TALE *

* I SOLD MY OLD COUCH, GRABBED THE FIRST TICKET OUT *

* THOUGHT THESE WORDS UP AND THEN WROTE THEM DOWN *

* BYE BYE, BYE BYE

-SHE'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH? -SHE'S REALLY GOOD.

-REALLY GOOD. -YEAH.

* BYE BYE, BYE BYE SHE'S DEFINITELY GOT HER OWN THING, THAT'S FOR SURE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

-WHAT? -THING?

SHE'S GOT HER OWN THING.

YOU KNOW, LIKE MUSICIANS HAVE A THING.

YOU KNOW, AND SOME DO AND SOME DON'T.

-WHAT'S HER THING? -WELL, I'M THE GOOD TIMES OF WILCO MIXED WITH THE AUTHENTICITY OF BOB DYLAN.

-[BOTH] ROLLING STONE, 2008. -RIGHT, YEAH.

* AND NO ONE'S LISTENING I'M WORKING IT OUT *

* DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME

* WELL, I'M IN MY VAN DRIVING WHERE I CAN *

* UP AND DOWN HIGHWAYS AND STREETS THAT I FIND *

WHAT'S MY THING?

-WHAT'S YOUR THING? -YEAH, WHAT'S MY THING?

YOU MEAN YOUR THING NOW OR LIKE YOUR THING IN THE FUTURE?

YOU'RE SAYING I HAVEN'T FULLY FULFILLED MY THING?

I THINK WE'RE FINDING THAT THING.

THAT'S THE REASON THAT WE'RE ON THIS TOUR.

ALL RIGHT, BRIAN. GIVE IT UP FOR BRIAN, EVERYBODY.

-THAT WAS-- -IT'S BRYN, ACTUALLY, I'M A WOMAN. THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY. THAT WAS REALLY-- IT WAS BEAUTIFUL THOUGH.

OKAY, SO I NOTICED SOME OF YOU TAKING PHOTOS AND VIDEOS.

IF YOU GUYS COULD PLEASE NOT UPLOAD THAT TO SOCIAL MEDIA WITHOUT HASHTAGGING IT "JBD OPEN MIC,"

THAT REALLY HELPS US OUT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND YES, UP NEXT, WE HAVE A HILARIOUS COMEDIAN WHO'S CURRENTLY TOURING THE COUNTRY, OPENING FOR JASON BLACK, PAUL SCOTT.

[CHEERING]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH!

IT'S A DILDO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THAT WAS VERY SWEET OF YOU.

ACTUALLY NEVER-- YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE?

IT FEELS LIKE ONE OF THOSE STRESS BALLS, YOU KNOW?

I SHOULD FEEL A LOT LESS STRESSFUL JUST SQUEEZING IT.

THIS IS NICE. THIS IS RELAXING ME.

I'M GONNA PUT THE DEVICE DOWN HERE.

WHO'S THE BRIDE TO BE HERE AT THIS TABLE?

YOU ARE? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

-ELIZABETH. -ELIZABETH?

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOUR HUSBAND'S A VERY LUCKY MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT A TELLTALE SIGN IS THAT YOUR FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED IS WHEN THEY ASK FOR YOUR MAILING ADDRESS.

'CAUSE IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO GET SOMEONE'S PHYSICAL MAILING ADDRESS UNLESS YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

THERE'S NOTHING SUBTLE, THERE'S NOTHING DISCREET ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE TINDER AND FACEBOOK.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE TO BE ON FACEBOOK TO JOIN TINDER, ONLY IN ALL THE PHOTOS ON TINDER ARE YOUR FACEBOOK PHOTOS?

SO WHEN ALL OF MY GUY FRIENDS STARTED INCORPORATING ALL THESE PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES, ALL SUAVE AND COOL, ONTO FACEBOOK, I WAS LIKE "THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S JOINING TINDER.

JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LONELY.

THIS GUY'S GETTING HIS DICK WET."

NOTHING SUBTLE.

NOTHING DISCREET ABOUT IT.

YOU GUYS DO EVITES HERE?

ANY PEOPLE DO EVITES?

NO?

HEY, FOR ME, EVITES, I THINK IT WOULD BE A VERY CONVENIENT AND EASY WAY TO INVITE MY FRIENDS TO A PARTY.

BUT, IN FACT, IT'S A VERY PUBLIC AND VERY HUMILIATING FORUM FOR MY FRIENDS TO TELL ME WHY THEY WON'T BE JOINING ME.

I HAVE THIS ONE FRIEND WHO REPLIED, "SORRY, FLY-FISHING IN BELIZE."

WHO COUNTRY DROPS ON EVITE?

THAT'S JUST SO TACKY.

RIGHT?

I HAVE THIS OTHER FRIEND WHO SAID, "NO PLUS ONE."

SO EVEN PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW AREN'T COMING TO MY PARTY.


YOU WERE REALLY GOOD UP THERE TONIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU.

-YEAH, REALLY GOOD. -THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.

-THANKS. -IT WAS A GOOD SET.

YOU'RE VERY FUNNY. YOU REMINDED ME OF LIKE A YOUNG WOODY ALLEN, KIND OF.

-OH, THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY. -YEAH, FUNNY.

YEAH, IT'S KIND OF-- I DON'T KNOW, I FELT IT'S KIND OF WEIRD TO DO COMEDY AFTER MUSIC.

IT'S LIKE THE AUDIENCE IS IN A DIFFERENT HEAD SPACE OR SOMETHING.

YEAH, AND WE DON'T GET THAT, WE DON'T GET COMEDY HERE MUCH.

OH REALLY, HAVE YOU DONE THIS A BUNCH?

-A FEW TIMES, YEAH. -THIS OPEN MIC?

A FEW TIMES, YEAH. YEAH, IT'S FUN.

I SUPPOSE. GOOD. IT'S A NICE CROWD.

YEAH. I'M PAUL, BY THE WAY.

HEY.

-BRYN. -NICE TO MEET YOU.

-VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. -YEAH.

SO WHAT BRINGS YOU OUT HERE TO JERSEY?

-UM, I LIVE HERE NOW. -OH, WOW.

-YEAH. -COOL.

-DID YOU GROW UP HERE OR--? -NO, I GREW UP IN MARYLAND--

-IN MARYLAND? -YEAH, I'VE BEEN HERE FOR A FEW MONTHS.

UH, YEAH, I KINDA WANTED TO LIVE IN MANHATTAN, NEAR BROOKLYN, BUT KINDA EXPENSIVE.

-TOO EXPENSIVE? -YEAH.

I KNOW, IT'S INSANE OVER THERE.

-YEAH, IT'S CRAZY. -I KNOW, IT'S NUTS.

IT'S NOT FAIR. UNLESS YOU'RE A BANKER AND THEN--

-UNLESS YOU'RE A BANKER -AND THEY'RE FUCKING SHIT.

-DO YOU KNOW A LOT OF BANKERS? -NO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW? FROM WHAT YOU'VE READ?

YEAH. IT'S MY IMAGE OF NEW YORK.

ANYWAY, I'M GONNA GO BACK IN. IT WAS NICE CHATTING WITH YOU.

NICE CHATTING WITH YOU, TOO.

DO-- HEY-- DO-- CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK INSIDE?

-UH, YEAH. -YEAH?

-YEAH. -ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, YEAH, GOOD.

[MAN] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, JASON BLACK.

[CHEERING]

* I'M A WHISKEY DRINKER

* A LATE NIGHT THINKER

* AND I CAN TELL YOU WHAT LIFE'S ABOUT *

* I LIKE TEA WITH MY HONEY *

* I DON'T HAVE MUCH MONEY

* AND I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT LIFE'S ABOUT *

* WHAT IF WE ONLY HAVE TONIGHT *

* WHAT IF WE NEVER SEE THE SUNRISE *

* I DON'T WANNA WAIT

* FOR THE RIGHT TIME

* FOR YOU AND ME TO STOP THIS RUN AROUND *

* LET YOUR HAIR FALL DOWN

* LET YOUR HAIR FALL DOWN HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS KNOWN EACH OTHER?

WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

-THAT'S SO CUTE. -WE'VE STAYED FRIENDS.

-WE'RE STILL REALLY CLOSE. -DO YOU ALWAYS TOUR TOGETHER?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS IS OUR FIRST.

-THAT'S VERY BRAVE. -[MAN] JASON BLACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR COMING.

FEEL FREE TO COME BACK EVERY WEEK IF YOU EVER WANNA TRY ANYTHING OUT OR ANYTHING.

I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M A LITTLE BIT OF A JASON BLACK FAN.

SURE, YEAH. GOOD LOOKING, CHARMING, BAREFOOT. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT-- IT'S THE BARE FEET.

-THAT'S WHY THEY'RE ALL HERE. -THAT'S WHY I LIKE HIM.

-THEY'RE ALL HERE. FOOT FETISHISTS. -YEAH, NO.

NONE OF THEM REALLY LIKE HIS MUSIC.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ARE YOUR ASPIRATIONS?

-MY ASPIRATIONS? -YEAH.

RIGHT NOW I'M JUST KIND OF LIKE FOCUSING ON THE MUSIC THING.

-YEAH? -YEAH.

SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. COMEDIAN?

WHAT ARE YOUR BIG ASPIRATIONS?

I JUST WANNA BE ONE OF THE GREATS.

I WANNA BE REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT THIS.

WELL, I THINK THOSE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

-LIKE? -BEING GREAT AND GOOD?

YEAH. WHAT IF YOU CAN ONLY BE GOOD?

LIKE I FEEL LIKE I GAVE UP A WHOLE CAREER PATH TO DO THIS.

SO, I GUESS MY REAL ASPIRATION IS TO SEE IT THROUGH, SEE IF I CAN REALLY PULL IT OFF.

VERY NOBLE.

TO PURSUING YOUR DREAMS AND BEING VERY POOR.

-BUT HAPPY. -BUT HAPPY.

JUST CHUG THIS, YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

JASON, THIS IS BRYN. BRYN, THIS IS JASON.

-IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU. -IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

THIS BACHELORETTE PARTY JUST BOUGHT ME A PITCHER OF FAT TIRE, ISN'T THAT AWESOME?

-GOD, YOU HAVE A KILLER VOICE. -THANK YOU.

-I MEAN, REALLY, REALLY GREAT. -THAT'S REALLY NICE.

YEAH, HEY, AND YOU WERE GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU COULD SEE IT, THE LIGHTS WERE BLINDING YOU IN THE FACE, WHATEVER, BUT THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE LAUGHING, DUDE, OKAY?

-I DON'T KNOW IF THEY WERE EXPECTING COMEDY. -IT WAS A WEIRD ROOM.

-IT ACTUALLY WAS FREAKY. -YEAH, THIS ROOM WASN'T--

-IT'S NOT MADE FOR COMEDY. -YEAH, YOU WERE GREAT.

-I THINK SO. -BUT YOU KNOW I HAVE YOU LISTED ON MY WEBSITE AS A COMEDIAN, SO MY FANS ARE GOING TO BE EXPECTING COMEDY

-EVERY TIME I-- -THE NEW FANS.

-IT SOUNDS SO LAME. -NO, NO, I'M ACTUALLY A FAN OF YOUR MUSIC.

-REALLY? -MM-HMM.

-YOU KNOW MY MUSIC? -I DO KNOW, YES.

WOW, THAT IS SO NICE OF YOU. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WRITING MUSIC?

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WRITING FOR LIKE A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

-REALLY? -YEAH.

-YOU'D NEVER KNOW. -THANK YOU.

-YOU ARE SO COMFORTABLE UP THERE. -THANKS.

-YEAH, REALLY BEAUTIFUL. -YEAH, I'M-- I--

-IT'S CRAZY TO MEET YOU. -I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY.

THIS IS AWESOME.

* YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A RIDE *

* I TALK ABOUT YOU ALL NIGHT *

IT'S HIS REAL TAIL ON THE BACK OF A WHEELCHAIR.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S BLEACHED.

YOU GUYS WANT ANOTHER ROUND?

-I CAN'T. I'M DONE. -WHAT? NO.

YEAH, I'M PRETTY SPENT, TOO.

-REALLY? -YEAH.

IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT OF THE TOUR. COME ON!

YEAH, I HAVE A FEELING THERE'S GONNA BE MORE NIGHTS LIKE THIS.

ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER. WELL, I GOT MY FANS TO HANG OUT WITH.

I'M GONNA WALK BACK TO THE HOTEL. I'LL MEET YOU THERE?

-YEAH. -WHERE YOU STAYING?

THE FERNWOOD. OH, THAT'S RIGHT NEAR WHERE I AM.

-I CAN DROP YOU OFF. -OH, YEAH?

-THAT WOULD BE GREAT. -CAN I FINISH THIS?

-YEAH, GO FOR IT. -IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

-I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT. -OKAY, NICE MEETING YOU, TOO.

-IT WAS A REALLY FUN NIGHT. -YOU'RE GREAT.

[BRYN] YOU'RE GREAT.

HEY! YOU CAN'T TOUCH THE BALL WITH YOUR HAND.

-[PAUL] IT WAS SO LOUD, LIKE IN THE TREBLE? -I KNOW.

I THINK THAT'S WHY I HAVE THAT RINGING IN MY EARS.

YOU WERE LIKE RIGHT INSIDE OF THE SPEAKER, AS WELL.

-BRYN! -OH, HEY!

HEY, ARE YOU LEAVING OR ARE YOU--

-OH! ARE YOU? -I'M UP. YEAH, I'M UP NEXT.

OH, SHIT, YES. I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE.

-I'M GONNA STAY. -YEAH, OKAY, AWESOME.

-STELLA, PAUL. -HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

SHE'S LIKE THE NEXT REGINA SPEKTOR.

-SHE'S SO AMAZING. -OH, REALLY? I LOVE REGINA SPEKTOR.

OKAY, BYE.

-SHE WATCHES MY CAT. -OH, REALLY?

SO I FEEL SORT OF-- SHE'S GREAT, BUT, YEAH.

SO I'M GONNA--

YEAH, I'M GONNA-- AND WALK BACK TO THE HOTEL.

-OKAY. -YEAH.

-OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA-- -YEAH, TOTALLY.

-OKAY. -ALL RIGHT.

-I'LL SEE YOU LATER. -THANK YOU, PAUL.

-IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU. -YOU, TOO.

-BYE. -BYE.

-THANK YOU. -YEAH.

THANK YOU?

[JASON] I KNOW HOW TO OPEN--

A DOOR. OKAY, I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

-I'M FINE NOW. -CLOSE THE DOOR.

PAUL, HEY, I GOT GOOD NEWS.

I GOT US A LATE CHECKOUT.

THAT'S AMAZING. NOW CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR!

[JASON] SO WE'RE LEAVING AT NOON.

-HEY, PAUL. -[GRUNTS]

I'M REALLY EXCITED.

[PAUL] I THINK YOU'RE IN THE WRONG BED.

[PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

OH, HI, HOW YOU DOING?

I'M DOING WELL, THANKS, YEAH.

NO, NO, THIS IS PERFECT.

YEAH, I'M RIGHT BETWEEN TWO MEETINGS.

THIS IS A GREAT TIME.

UH-HUH. WELL, NO, CYLE, CYLE WITH A C, HE'S MY OLD PARTNER. YEAH, NO, HE'S A GREAT GUY.

-DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DUDE. -YES.

-COME ON! -COULD YOU JUST HOLD ON FOR ONE QUICK SEC?

-SHUT UP. -ONE OF MY DESIGNERS HAS A QUESTION.

YEAH, JACK?

NO, THESE DESIGNS LOOK GREAT. THANK YOU.

-THANK YOU. -WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HI, YES, SORRY. IT'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT NUTTY THIS WEEK.

WELL, NO, SO, CYLE SAID THAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING ABOUT MAYBE BRINGING ON A NEW WRITER?

REALLY?

-OKAY. -NO, WAY.

-[PAUL] HOLD ON ONE SECOND. -[JASON] REALLY?

-[PAUL] JACK, THOSE LOOK GREAT. -[JASON] OKAY.

-[PAUL] THAT'S ALL I NEED FROM YOU. -[JASON] YUP.

WHERE YOU GOING?

PAUL, WHERE--

YOU LEFT THE-- YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE CAR RUNNING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, MAN?

ACHIEVEMENTS? SPECIFICALLY COMEDIC.

-HEY PAUL! -PLOT ENDEAVORS.

-YES, RIGHT. -ARE YOU RUNNING FROM ME?

-RIGHT, WELL, I-- -OKAY, YOU'RE GONNA RUN FROM ME? ALL RIGHT.

YES.

[JASON] YOU SEE WHAT YOU JUST GONNA MAKE ME DO?

YOU ALMOST JUST KILLED ME.

[PAUL] I THINK YOU'RE THINKING OF THE SIMPSON'S CHARACTER.

YEAH, NO, THIS IS THE GUY WHO CAUGHT THE FOUL BALL.

[JASON] I CAN HAMMER TIME.

[PAUL] I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW.

-THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. -I CAN HAMMER TIME.

[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

BUT, FOR ME, IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT IS THE RIGHT MEDIUM FOR THE MESSAGE?

SO, THEORETICALLY, YOU DON'T HIRE HIM, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME THE POSITION, I CAN BE AVAILABLE ANYTIME. THANK YOU SO MUCH. BYE-BYE.

DUDE, EITHER COMMIT TO THIS TOUR OR GET OFF, OKAY?

-COMMIT TO THE TOUR? -YEAH.

I'M KEEPING OPTIONS OPEN. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

NO! DON'T FUCKING B-PLAN, DUDE!

HEY, YOU COULD TEND BAR, WAIT TABLES, DO ANYTHING BUT FUCKING GO BACK INTO ADVERTISING.

IT'LL SUCK YOU BACK IN, THEN, WHOOSH, YOU'LL BE A DRONE IN SECTOR D.

I'M HERE, RIGHT? I'M ON THE TOUR.

I'M ON THE GLAMOROUS JASON BLACK WORLD TOUR.

YEAH, WHICH IS WHY I'M PISSED.

-HEY. -HEY.

-HI. -HEY.

I'M SO RELIEVED.

-HEY! -OH, HI.

-HOW'S IT GOING? -GREAT, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

-GOOD TO SEE YOU. -I WAS DEFINITELY SCARED FOR A SECOND THAT I MADE THIS WHOLE THING UP IN MY HEAD.

WELL, NO, NO, SORRY, WE JUST GOT A LATE START.

AND THEN PAUL HAD THIS REALLY IMPORTANT JOB INTERVIEW THAT WE HAD-- YOU KNOW, BUT IT WENT GREAT.

OH, THAT'S AWESOME. YEAH, I JUST--

-HEY, ARE YOU READY TO OPEN UP FOR US TONIGHT? -YES!

I'M DORKILY VERY EXCITED.

YOU'RE OPENING UP FOR US? THAT'S AWESOME!

THAT'S SUCH A BRILLIANT IDEA.

YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM.

YOU SEE BRYN PLAY LAST NIGHT? YOU KNOW BRYN.

YEAH, OF COURSE. SHE'S AMAZING.

YEAH, THAT'S SUCH A-- THAT'S BRILLIANT.

-[JASON] YEAH, GREAT. -OF COURSE, IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

I THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD OPEN UP AND THAT YOU COULD MIDDLE, AND OBVIOUSLY I'LL SHORTEN MY SET, -GIVE YOU GUYS PLENTY OF STAGE TIME. -PERFECT. THAT'S GREAT.

IS IT WEIRD? IS IT WEIRD FOR THERE TO BE A STANDUP ACT IN BETWEEN TWO MUSICAL ACTS?

UH... I DON'T THINK SO.

GREAT. WELCOME ABOARD. THAT'S AWESOME.

-YEAH, IT'LL BE GREAT. -IT'LL BE AWESOME, DUDE.

-IT'LL BE FUCKING FUN. -YEAH.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE POOL BACK HERE.

-ALL RIGHT, IT'S COOL. -THERE'S ACTUALLY--

-IT'S COVERED, BECAUSE I-- -IT'S THIS WAY?

IT'S COVERED.

* THE COUNTRY GIRLS

* WANNA LAY DOWN AND WAIT *

* BUT THE HAND IS HARD

* IT'S LIKE PICKING FRUIT IN THE NIGHT *

-DUDE, I FORGOT. -YOU FORGOT.

I FORGOT.

YOU FORGOT YOU INVITED HER TO JOIN US ON TOUR?

WELL, NOT NOW, BUT IN THE CAR I FORGOT.

YEAH, WE GOT PRETTY WASTED LAST NIGHT.

-YEAH, DID YOU? -REALLY WASTED.

YEAH, I GOT FUCKING DRUNK.

COOL. PAUL SCOTT, ON THE THIRD WHEEL TOUR.

DUDE, NO, OKAY? SHE GETS IT. OKAY?

NOW I TOLD HER THIS IS ABOUT YOU GETTING YOUR MOJO BACK.

-YOU TOLD HER THAT? -YEAH, NO.

I MEAN, NOT THAT.

BUT SHE KNOWS THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND ME HANGING OUT.

OKAY, LOOK, JASON, YOU FUCKED UP.

WE CAN'T UNDO IT NOW, LET'S JUST MOVE ON.

WELL, SHE SAID SHE COULD GO SLEEP IN HER VAN.

-IN HER VAN? -YEAH.

-IS THAT SAFE? -YEAH, SHE'S GOT CURTAINS IN THERE, SHE'S GOT A MATTRESS, AND IT'S--

SO YOU GUYS HOOKED UP.

GREAT. THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME.

WAIT, WAIT. WHY? WAIT--

-SO, YOU'RE INTO BRYN? -DUDE, I TALKED TO HER FIRST.

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH HER ALL NIGHT.

-WHAT DO YOU THINK? -WELL, YOU WENT HOME.

-I WAS BEING A CLASS ACT. -OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, NEXT TIME CAN YOU FUCKING TELL ME BECAUSE I AM NOT A MIND READER.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL TELL HER TO GO HOME.

OKAY? IT'LL JUST BE YOU AND ME, THAT'S IT.

LOOK, WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, OKAY? LET'S JUST MOVE ON.

IT'S JUST, THE THING IS YOU DO THIS EVERY FUCKING TIME.

THERE WAS A MEANING TO THIS.

-YOU'VE DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES BEFORE. -NAME ONE.

-UM, HORDE FESTIVAL, WHEN YOU DITCHED ME TO HANG OUT WITH BLUES TRAVELER.

REMEMBER THAT?

-HI. -HEY.

-DID I-- WAS IT GOOD? -THAT WAS GREAT.

AWESOME, SO GOOD, MAN.

-OH, MY GOD. -WAY TO GO.

I JUST WISH YOU WOULD THINK THINGS THROUGH, YOU KNOW?

WHICH IS WHY I'M ON THIS FUCKING TOUR TO BEGIN WITH.

[EMCEE] MR. PAUL SCOTT.

HEY!

HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HOW YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?

[CHEERING]

IT'S GREAT TO BE IN PENNSYLVANIA.

-P TO THE A, RIGHT? -[LAUGHTER]

I WAS RUNNING A LITTLE LATE TONIGHT. I HAD TO TAKE A TAXI.

IS IT ME OR IS VERY, VERY MURKY JUST HOW MUCH YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TIP THESE CABBIES?

I'M PRETTY UNCLEAR, AND AFTER 911, IT'S GOTTEN A LOT TRICKIER FOR WHITE GUYS LIKE ME, BECAUSE MOST CABBIES ARE MIDDLE EASTERN AND I HAVE A LOT OF WHITE GUILT, WHICH ALWAYS CONFUSES THE TIP EQUATION FOR ME.

SO, LIKE I'LL PULL UP TO A PLACE AND THE FARE WILL SAY $11.00, AND ALL I HAVE IS A TWENTY AND I'LL TELL THE CABBIE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN KEEP THE TIP.

I'M ALSO FLYING OUT OF LA GUARDIA TOMORROW AT 11:30 IN THE MORNING.

IS THAT A GOOD TIME TO FLY?"

AND TRY AND GET INTEL, BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF HE HAS RELATIVES OR SLEEPER CELL AFFILIATIONS.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE TAXIS OUT HERE IN THIS PART OF PENNSYLVANIA, HUH?

NOT A BIG, UH--

I GUESS THIS IS ALSO NOT A PRIME TARGET FOR TERRORISTS, ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.

[MAN] FLIGHT 93 CRASHED RIGHT HERE IN PENNSYLVANIA, ASSHOLE!

[AUDIENCE] YEAH!

YEAH.

HEY. HOW DID YOU FEEL UP THERE?

-WAS IT THAT BAD? -WHAT? NO.

NO, YOU WERE-- I MEAN, I MEAN, YOU'RE SO CONFIDENT, FIRST OF ALL.

YOUR SHIRT'S GREAT. IT WAS A GOOD CHOICE.

AND I THINK-- I MEAN, I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

UM, THIS NEXT SONG IS--

WELL, IT'S ABOUT A GIRL.

LOOK, I APPRECIATE THAT SENTIMENT, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL THIS WELL, I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.

SHE'S VERY SPECIAL TO ME. AND WE DID THAT HARD THING OF--

WE BECAME FRIENDS AFTER WE BECAME LOVERS.

-CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? -SURE.

-HAVE YOU SEEN A LOT OF STANDUP COMEDY? -WHY?

I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU WERE EXPOSED TO MORE STAND UP ACTS, YOU'D QUICKLY REALIZE THAT WHAT I DID UP THERE WOULD NOT CUT THE MUSTARD.

AND I GET THIS PHONE CALL FROM BRETT, AND HE CALLS ME UP, AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, WOULD YOU MIND IF I TOOK HER OUT ON A DATE?"

YOU KNOW, I THINK I KNOW WHAT IT IS, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN, AND LIKE WE DON'T UNDERSTAND COMEDY.

WE JUST GET REALLY CONFUSED BY IT, AND I DIDN'T TAKE THAT COLLEGE COURSE ON WHAT'S FUNNY, DAMN IT!

ONE THING YOU'D REALIZE VERY QUICKLY IN YOUR STUDIES IS THAT THIS ROOM IS NOT BUILT FOR COMEDY.

JOKES DON'T WORK IN THIS ROOM.

THAT PANG OF JEALOUSY JUST STARTED TO COME OVER ME, AND I FELT LIKE I NEEDED TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT, AND IT'S CALLED, "SHE'S JUST A GIRL THAT I KNEW."

[CHEERING]

* I CAN RECALL ON THE PHONE YESTERDAY *

* YOU TOLD ME YOU MET HER AT A BAR ALONG THE WAY *

* YOU SAID THAT SHE LOOKED LIKE A HEAVENLY ANGEL IN JEANS *

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S FANTASTIC. THANK YOU.

* YOU SAID THAT SHE SHARED A FEW DRINKS FOR A WHILE *

* SHE MUST HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THAT SMILE *

* YOU WALKED HER HOME SAFELY *

* BUT I THINK I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS *

FULL-ON PENETRATION. THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A MUSICAL COMEDY IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ANIMAL.

AND THE REALLY FUCKED UP PART WAS THAT I FELT THE BREAK UP WOULD SOMEHOW GIVE ME MORE MATERIAL TO DRAW FROM.

YOU KNOW, GIVE ME MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE.

LIKE MY SITUATION, MADE ME TOO SOFT AND BLAND AND COMFORTABLE, WHATEVER.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

SHE DESERVED BETTER.

YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY WHY I WAITED SO LONG. YOU KNOW?

I'D WORK ON MY MUSIC AND SOW MY WILD OATS AND JUST GET ALL THAT VOODOO SHIT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

GOT ANOTHER DECADE OF VOODOO?

HEY, NOW, I WANTED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING EARLIER, AND I THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT STEP ON A SORE SPOT, SO I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I MIGHT HAVE FOUND THE PERSON THAT I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.

BRYN? YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

-WITH FUCKING BRYN? -NO, NO, NO, NO.

I MEAN BRYN'S COOL. YEAH, BUT, NO, NOT BRYN.

BECKY.

BECKY. WHO'S BECKY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHO'S BECKY?

-BECKY BELLINGTON. -BECKY BELLINGTON?

-YOU REMEMBER-- -BIOLOGY T.A., BECKY BELLINGTON?

YES.

HOW LONG YOU GUYS BEEN GOING OUT FOR?

OH, GOD, I DON'T KNOW. FOR YEARS, REALLY.

-FOR YEARS? -YEAH, I MEAN EVERY TIME THAT I'D ROLL THROUGH TOWN WE HAD THESE LIKE CRAZY NIGHTS TOGETHER, AND SOMETIMES ON WEEKENDS.

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST NEVER FELT ANYBODY--

FELT THE WAY ABOUT HER AS I DO FEEL ANYBODY ELSE.

-BECKY BELLINGTON? -YEAH.

-DO YOU HAVE A PHOTO? -YEAH, HERE.

-FOR YEARS YOU WERE HANGING OUT. -YEAH, YEAH.

I MEAN, LOOK, HERE.

THAT ONE. THAT ONE THERE.

YOU AND BRYN ARE ALREADY FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK?

-YEAH. -WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

I DON'T KNOW, SHE ADDED ME LIKE YESTERDAY.

WOW, SHE LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME.

MM-HMM.

SHE'S ENGAGED?

YEAH, THAT'S THE NOT SO SWEET PART.

SO WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?

SHE LIVES IN CHARLESTON.

-CHARLESTON? -YEAH.

-ISN'T THAT ONE OF OUR LAST STOPS? -MM-HMM.

YEAH, YEAH, I THOUGHT IT COULD BE KIND OF LIKE MY LAST HURRAH OF SINGLEDOM.

-YOUR LAST HURRAH. -YEAH.

SO, IS THIS EVEN A REAL TOUR?

WHAT? IS THIS EVEN A REAL TOUR?

YEAH, IT'S A REAL TOUR.

OKAY, LOOK.

I BOOKED ONE GIG IN CHARLESTON TO SEE BECKY.

AND I WENT ON MY WEBSITE AND I LOOKED AND I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE OBVIOUS, LIKE ONE LONE SHOW IN HER HOMETOWN, SO I BOOKED A FEW MORE GIGS ALONG THE WAY.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO DRIVE, YOU KNOW?

WHAT? JUST TO LIKE THROW OFF THE SCENT, YOU PUT ON MORE GIGS TO SMOKESCREEN IT?

NO, NO, WELL, AT FIRST, YEAH, BUT THEN I GOT EXCITED ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW? PLAYING SMALLER VENUES TO, LIKE, FEWER PEOPLE, A LITTLE MORE INTIMATE OF AN AUDIENCE.

I THOUGHT IT'D BE COOL.

WHAT?

THAT FACE.

OKAY, REMEMBER WHEN WE SAW BRUCE?

-WHEN HE DROPPED IN AT THE STONE PONY? -YEAH.

OKAY, AND WASN'T THAT THE BEST FUCKING SHOW YOU EVER SAW?

-YEAH, IT WAS A GOOD SHOW. -AND WAS HE PLAYING A REAL SHOW?

JASON, WHEN YOU PLAY SMALL INTIMATE VENUES WHERE YOU CONNECT WITH THE CROWD, THAT'S ONE THING. THAT'S HIP.

OKAY? THAT'S A HAPPENING. PEOPLE SAY "I WAS THERE."

WHEN I PLAY THOSE SAME VENUES, IT'S DIFFERENT.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? IT'S A REINFORCEMENT OF A DEAD END.

OKAY, BUT IF THIS WERE A REAL TOUR, YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.

THERE WOULD PROBABLY BE SOME INDIE, LIKE, SKINNY JEAN HIP BAND MY LABEL WOULD FORCE DOWN MY THROAT, -SO THAT I COULD APPEAL TO GEN X. -WE ARE GEN X.

LOOK, I THINK YOUR SET'S JUST KIND OF--

-CLENCHED. -WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

-"CLENCHED"? -I DON'T KNOW THE CORRECT COMEDY TERM FOR IT, OKAY, BUT IT'S JUST, I DON'T KNOW, A LITTLE TIGHT-ASS?

FUCKING THROW AWAY THE JOKE BOOK, MAN.

LET GO. OKAY, AND IN MUSIC THE MORE REAL IT IS, THE MORE PERSONAL IT IS, PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO THAT.

LOOK, I WANT ALL OF THESE PEOPLE, I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW-- I WANT THIS GUY HI. OKAY? I WANT HIM TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

TO KNOW THE PAUL SCOTT THAT I KNOW AND LOVE.

AND IF YOU CAN BRING THAT GUY ON STAGE NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, WITH THAT KIND OF CONSISTENCY, FUCK, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT FOR YOU, DUDE.

I APPRECIATE YOU SAYING IT.

CAN WE HUG IT OUT? COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON.

BRING IT FOR THE REAL THING.

YEAH.

DID THEY PUT ME IN COUNTRY?

[PAUL] SO IS BRYN COMING DOWN WITH US TO CHARLESTON?

[JASON] YEAH, IF SHE'S UP FOR IT.

WELL, I'M SURE SHE'S UP FOR IT.

I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HER THOUGH, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL FOR HER.

YEAH?

I THINK BRYN'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL FOR YOU, HEY, BUDDY?

FEAR NOT TONIGHT, I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE, ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA MAKE MYSELF SCARCE. I'LL CRASH SOMEWHERE ELSE.

NO, THAT'S GONNA MAKE IT AWKWARD.

IT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE.

DUDE, IT'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT AWKWARD. OKAY? IT'S GONNA BE FINE.

-IT'S GONNA BE FINE? -YEAH, ALL RIGHT, IT WOULD BE MORE AWKWARD FOR ME IF I'M WATCHING YOU SIFT THROUGH THE FOG.

-OKAY, SO THIS IS ABOUT YOU. -YEAH, YES.

-NOW I GET IT. -YES, THIS IS ABOUT ME.

-NOW IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. -YEAH, I NEED THIS FOR YOU.

OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A COUPLE ROOMS AVAILABLE.

413, WITH A FIREPLACE AND ROOM 420.

WHICH IS A SMOKING ROOM.

THE FIREPLACE ROOM IS FINE, THANKS.

HEY, HEY, PAUL. IS IT COOL IF BRYN CRASHES WITH US TONIGHT?

-YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE. -ARE YOU SURE?

-TOTALLY. -YES, SEE.

[BRYN] THAT'S REALLY NICE.

SHALL WE GET A COT, THEN?

-SURE. -YEAH?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WE SHOULD GET A COT.

SO, YOU NEED A COT?

YEAH, I GUESS WE NEED A COT.

UM, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GO MAKE A FEW IMPORTANT PHONE CALLS, AND THEN SMOKE A CIGARETTE, AND BE--

-THANKS, BUD. -BE BACK IN A WHILE.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE ALL SET.

CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST 6:00 TO 8:00 EVERY MORNING.

JUST RIGHT UP THE STAIRS IS YOUR ROOM.

AND THERE'S A SNACK MACHINE IN CASE YOU GET THE MUNCHIES.

-GREAT. -THANK YOU.

OH, THIS ISN'T SO BAD.

-YEAH, IT'S NOT BAD AT ALL, ACTUALLY. -NO.

IT'S EVEN KIND OF FANCY.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'D GO THAT FAR.

UM, DO YOU MIND IF I USE THE BATHROOM?

YEAH, OF COURSE. THIS ISN'T SHAWSHANK.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION.

[BRYN] IT WAS A VERY WEIRD QUESTION.

IT WAS A VERY WEIRD-- I'M GIVING YOU 45 SECONDS.

[KNOCKING]

HEY, GOT THE COT YOU GUYS WANTED.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK WE NEED THE COT.

-[BRYN] WHO IS IT? -IT'S HOUSEKEEPING.

I'M ACTUALLY THE ASSISTANT MANAGER.

-[BRYN] WITH THE COT? -YUP!

YEAH, OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON IN?

YUP, JUST RIGHT THROUGH HERE.

I'LL JUST PULL THIS OUT REAL QUICK.

-HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING? -GOOD. HOW ABOUT YOU?

DO YOU NEED ANY HELP WITH ANYTHING?

-I'LL LEAVE THIS RIGHT THERE, OKAY? -IT'S OKAY.

SO, YEAH, IF YOU GUYS NEED ANY RECOMMENDATIONS HERE IN TOWN FOR RESTAURANTS, BOWLING ALLEYS, WEED, JUST HIT ZERO. I'M YOUR GUY.

-GREAT. -HI.

-THAT'S FANTASTIC. -YEAH, SO. ALL RIGHT.

-COOL. -ALL RIGHT.

OH, HERE.

FORGOT THE--

YEAH, ALL I HAVE IS A-- ALL I HAVE IS A TWENTY.

-I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE. -RIGHT.

-THING IS-- -[MANAGER] I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.

-YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE EITHER? -NO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO. YOU DON'T NEED CHANGE.

SO, OH, WOW, THAT IS VERY GENEROUS, YEAH.

OH, IF YOU GUY WANT FIREWOOD FOR THE FIREPLACE, -I CAN BRING THAT UP. -SURE, YEAH, IT COMES WITH THE ROOM.

OH, IT'S $50, BUT IT COMES WITH CHAMPAGNE.

50 BUCKS?

I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

YEAH, I GUESS WE'RE GOOD.

YOU'LL JUST KEEP EACH OTHER WARM THEN.

-YEAH. -YEAH.

-ALL RIGHT. -THANK YOU.

YOU GOT IT. I'LL JUST PUT THIS ON THE DOOR OUTSIDE.

YEAH. THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY VAN.

OH, NO, YOU SHOULD TAKE ONE OF THE BEDS.

-I WAS GONNA TAKE THE COT. -ARE YOU KIDDING?

-ARE YOU SURE? -STOP.

-BUT THANK YOU, THOUGH. -ALL RIGHT.

-WELL, IF YOU RECONSIDER. -OKAY.

-EVERYTHING GOOD? -DO YOU WANNA USE THE BATH--

-OH, I WAS GONNA TAKE A SHOWER. -NO, I ALREADY SHOWERED.

-YOU SURE? -NO, I'M SURE. I'M SURE.

OKAY, OKAY.

-I SHOWER QUICKLY. -GOOD. COOL. ENJOY.

A PRIEST COULD WALK IN ON YOU, BONING A GIRL IN THE CONFESSION BOOTH, AND HE'D BE LIKE, "WHOO! SHE'S SMOKING. YOU'RE FINE."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

THREE HAIL MARYS AND SEND ME SOME JPEGS.

NOW, MARYLAND, I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU TONIGHT.

LED ZEPPELIN COULDN'T DO IT, FLEETWOOD MAC DID NOT DO IT, BUT TONIGHT, WE ARE GONNA DO IT, STAND UP COMEDY BEFORE FOLK ROCK, ARE YOU READY?

ARE YOU READY? [CHEERING]

ALL RIGHT!

WHOO! YEAH!

ALL RIGHT.

SO, WHAT IS UP WITH EVITES?

WHAT'S UP WITH IT?

-HEY. -HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING? I GOT YOU A BEER.

-OH, THANKS. -CHEERS.

CHEERS.

YOU SHOULD FEEL REALLY GOOD ABOUT THE BEGINNING OF THAT.

-IT WAS AWESOME. -THANKS.

YEAH, I MEAN, THAT WAS JUST CROWD WORK, BUT THANK YOU.

OH, WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS GREAT.

IT WAS LIKE HERE AND HONEST.

I LOVE THIS SONG.

AND JASON WAS TOTALLY RIGHT WHEN HE SAID THAT THAT'S WHERE YOUR TICKET IS.

-LIKE THAT'S WHERE-- -HEY BRYN, COULD WE NOT--

COULD WE NOT DECONSTRUCT MY ACT EVERY NIGHT WE HANG OUT? IS THAT OKAY?

-I'M SORRY. -IT'S OKAY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.

AND I JUST SEE YOUR POTENTIAL.

-OH, OH, MY GOD, I SOUND LIKE MY MOM. -MY POTENTIAL.

NO, YOU HAVE POTENTIAL, TOO. I'M JUST LIKE--

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I PICK APART YOUR ACT LIKE MOMENTS AFTER YOU GET OFF STAGE?

-HONESTLY? -YEAH, HONESTLY.

-I COULD HANDLE IT. -YOU THINK YOU'D BE FINE WITH IT?

-YUP. -OKAY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE JASON

-YEAH. -ROPES US INTO ANOTHER NIGHT OF DRINKING.

HI. SORRY TO BUG YOU GUYS, BUT, DO YOU THINK WE CAN

-GET A PHOTO WITH YOU? -YOU WERE SO FUNNY.

HE WAS, RIGHT? YOU REALLY WERE.

-SURE, YEAH. -YOUR WORK IS HYSTERICAL.

-THANK YOU. -ARE YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND?

-NO. -WELL, YOU GUYS LOOK REALLY GOOD TOGETHER.

-OH, THANKS. -IF YOU WERE, THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

-YEAH, YEAH. -WOULD YOU MIND?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

-I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIR. -THANKS.

-YEAH. -YOU'RE SO SWEET, ALL RIGHT.

-YOU GUYS READY? -ARE YOU?

-SAY PAUL SCOTT. -[ALL] PAUL SCOTT.

-HERE YOU GO. -THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

OH, WOW, I LOOK SO FAT THERE.

DO YOU STILL WANT TO GO?

WELL, WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST HAVE A DRINK AND WAIT FOR JASON?

-YEAH, WE'LL, GET YOU A DRINK. -YEAH.

OKAY, YOU'RE GOOD. YOU WANNA HANG OUT AND GET A--

UH, NO, I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

BUT, I'M GONNA QUICK FINISH THIS-- AND YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.

I'M GONNA HEAD BACK TO THE ROOM.

-I'LL SEE YOU THERE. -YOU SURE?

-YEAH. -YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE ONE DRINK?

-NO, YOU GUYS HAVE FUN. -JUST ONE?

NO, I'M GOOD.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

-HEY. -SO GOOD, YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH JASON BLACK?

-YEAH, YEAH. -YEAH.

AND I LOOK, AND IT'S MY TOUR MANAGER, KYLE.

YOU KNOW KYLE, RIGHT? AND HE'S RIDING ON HORSEBACK INTO THE MOUNTAINS WITH NO CLOTHES ON. I SWEAR TO GOD.

AND SO NOW, YOU GOTTA REMEMBER, IT'S JUST ME, BEN FOLDS, BON IVER, AND TREY ANASTASIO, FROM PHISH? YOU GUYS KNOW HIM, RIGHT?

YEAH, AND WE'RE SITTING IN THIS LIKE--

-IN THIS UM-- -WIGWAM.

WIGWAM, WIGWAM, BEAUTIFUL WIGWAM, IN THE DOOR I SEE A SHADOW, AND IT WAS A POSSUM.

OH!

-DO YOU LOVE POSSUMS? -I DO.

THAT'S GREAT. ARE WE CONNECTED.

-WOW. -YEAH, IT WAS REALLY GREAT.

[BARTENDER] LAST CALL.

ALL RIGHT. LAST CALL.

UM, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA DO?

I MEAN, SINCE WE'RE STAYING AT THE SAME HOTEL--

I MEAN, WE HAVE PLENTY OF BOOZE, S0--

YEAH, LET'S KEEP IT GOING.

-AFTER PARTY! -AFTER PARTY!

-AFTER PARTY. -YEAH!

WAIT, YOU SHOULD GO BACK.

NO, DUDE, YOU JUST GOT OUT OF A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP

-FOR FIVE YEARS. -YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE JUST-- THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED.

I PROMISE.

-I HEAR SOUNDS COMING OUT. -[MUSIC, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-IS THIS-- -THIS IS IT.

-323. -OKAY.

-I THINK SOMEONE'S MOVING. -[KNOCKING]

-WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? -HEY!

-HI! -HI, WHAT'S UP?

-LET'S GO. -THERE'S A PARTY OVER THERE, TOO.

-YEAH. -WHERE'S ANASTACIA?

OH, SHE HAD TO MAKE A BOOTY CALL OR SOMETHING.

BUT, I MEAN, I'M STILL AROUND TO HANG OUT IF YOU GUYS WANT.

-THERE'S PLENTY OF BOOZE, SO-- -YEAH, HEY, YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL JUST LET YOU TWO LOVE BIRDS HANG OUT

-AND I'LL HIT THE ROAD. -NO WAY.

OKAY, YOU ARE STAYING. ALL RIGHT, YOU BOTH ARE HANGING OUT.

OKAY, JASON, YOU SIT THERE, AND PAUL, WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME TO THE BATHROOM AND HELP ME MAKE SOME DRINKS.

YEAH.

SHH. JUST--

OKAY, JUST TAKE THE WHOLE THING OFF, YEAH.

-SO MUCH CHEST HAIR. -OH, OKAY.

-I FEEL BAD. -WHY?

-JASON. -HE'S FINE. HE'S A BIG BOY.

-IT'S OKAY. -LET'S MAKE HIM A DRINK.

-OKAY? -OKAY.

OKAY. BLENDER.

-[BLENDER WHIRRS] -OH! WHOO-HOO! OKAY, STOP.

OH, NO, YOU THOUGHT WE FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

DIDN'T YOU? HERE'S YOUR DRINK.

I THINK I'M JUST GONNA SACK OUT.

OH, NO, NO, NO. WILL YOU STAY AND PARTY WITH US, PLEASE?

NAH, I GOTTA GET UP EARLY AND I GOTTA DO STUFF IN THE MORNING.

OH, YEAH, EARLY DAY FOR THE ROCK STAR, HUH?

OKAY, YOU'RE HAVING A SPECIAL SHOT!

-A SPECIAL SHOT. -MHMM.

-OKAY, ALL RIGHT. -SPECIAL.

-I'LL JUST WAIT HERE FOR YOU. -I'LL MAKE YOU ONE, DON'T WORRY.

WHERE'S THE-- WHERE'S THE SHOT?

I WAS GONNA--

-HEY, PAUL. -YUP?

WANNA COME AND SAVE ME FROM NICOLE HERE?

OH, TELL JASON TO TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF.

I'LL TALK TO THE GENTLEMAN.

I DON'T WANT TO GET EMBROILED IN A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT.

OH, WELL, I'M NOT A POLICE OFFICER, SO, YOU CAN BOTH SEXUALLY HARASS ME, IF YOU WANT TO.

UM, THAT'S--

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU GUYS GAY?

-NO. -NO, NO.

'CAUSE I HAVE A GAY BROTHER, SO LIKE I TOTALLY GET IT.

-I WOULD NOT BE OFFENDED. -OH, NO, NO.

-I HAVE A LOT OF GAY FRIENDS. -YEAH, I HAVE GAY SECOND COUSINS.

-THEY'RE AWESOME. -SO WHAT AM I LIKE--

AM I NOT HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU GUYS?

-NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. -WHY WON'T YOU TAKE

-YOUR CLOTHES OFF. -NO, NO WAY.

HERE, TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T YOU GO GET THAT BLENDER STARTED, ALL RIGHT, AND UM...

MAYBE I'LL TAKE MY SHIRT OFF.

-OKAY. -DEAL?

OKAY, DEAL.

-[WHISPERING] DUDE, I AM SO SORRY. -NO, NO.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, I SWEAR TO GOD.

-I KNOW. -I'LL GO.

NO, NO, NO. THIS IS GREAT.

YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD THING GOING.

I'M GONNA GO HOME AND HANG OUT WITH BRYN.

-WHAT? HANG WITH BRYN? -YEAH.

DUDE, YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO WORK ON BRYN.

OKAY? THIS IS TONIGHT.

SHE'S A FUCKING 10.

ACTUALLY, CLOSER TO A HIGH 7, BUT YEAH.

-HIGH 7'S FUCKING GREAT. -IT IS GREAT. IT IS.

SIT DOWN, DUDE. LOOK, THIS IS MY LAST HURRAH, OKAY, BEFORE I THROW MY FUCKING LIFE AWAY AND GET MARRIED, ALL RIGHT? SO JUST DO THIS WITH ME.

THIS'LL BE GREAT. COME ON!

AND LOOK, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I HAD TO CONVINCE YOU TO GO RIDING ATVS WITH JOHN POPPER?

-THAT WAS AWESOME. -THAT WAS GREAT, RIGHT?

-AWESOME. -AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT.

THOSE ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

NEITHER OF US ARE TRYING TO FUCK JOHN POPPER.

OKAY? IT'S DIFFERENT, AND IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S NOT WEIRD. I CAN ARGUE THAT IT'S MORE WEIRD IF WE DON'T DO IT.

JUST TAKE YOUR FUCKING PANTS OFF.

-LET'S GO. -ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.

IF WE'RE GONNA DO THIS WE SHOULD ESTABLISH SOME GUIDELINES.

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. GUIDELINES.

-WE WANNA AVOID CONGESTION BACK THERE. -RIGHT. RIGHT.

-WE DON'T WANNA CRISSCROSS. -I KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'LL DO?

YOU STAY ON ONE SIDE, AND THEN YOU'RE ON THE OTHER.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE ATLANTIC THEATER OF THE WORLD I'M ACROSS THE WORLD IN THE PACIFIC THEATER.

THAT'S GOOD. GREAT ANALOGY.

AND THEN WE'LL JUST LET HER GO BACK AND FORTH TO EITHER OF US.

-WORSE THAN SHARING? -AND WE'LL NEVER EVEN CRISSCROSS.

-OKAY, I GOT MARGARITAS FOR BOTH MEN. -ALL RIGHT!

-WHERE'S YOUR DRINK? -OH, I DON'T REALLY DRINK.

-OH. -THAT'S OKAY.

-OKAY. -CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.

WHOO! ALL RIGHT.

YUMMY. SO YUMMY.

-WOW, OKAY, ALL RIGHT. -I LIKE YOUR CHEST HAIR, IT'S SO SEXY.

-THANK YOU. -OKAY, SO I ONLY HAVE MAGNUMS.

THAT'S COOL, RIGHT?

-YEAH. -YEAH, MAGNUMS ARE GREAT.

-[NICOLE] MAGNUMS! -YEAH.

-WHOO! -I USE MAGNUMS ALL THE TIME.

I'M SORRY TO BE LIKE SUCH A SQUARE, I JUST-- I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH STRANGERS

-WITHOUT PROTECTION -NO, WHY WOULD YOU?

NEITHER DO I. BAD IDEA.

-OKAY, DARLING! -OH, BOY.

THESE ARE DOUBLE XLS.

WOW, THESE ARE THE BIGGEST THAT THEY MAKE, I THINK.

YEAH, I USED TO DATE A LOT OF BASKETBALL PLAYERS, SO...

-OH, REALLY. -COLLEGE OR PROS?

-OH, I DON'T-- ACTUALLY I DON'T REALLY KNOW. -OH, NO?

-DO YOU GUYS NEED HELP? -WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GET GOING THERE?

-[NICOLE] OH, OKAY. -[JASON] I'M GONNA GET THE BLOOD FLOWING A LITTLE.

-[NICOLE] OKAY. -[JASON] OOH.

[CHUCKLING]

OW.

WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK? WAIT, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

-WHAT IS THE-- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WAIT! -[NICOLE] SHH.

WHAT THE FUCK IS-- WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S A SELFIE STICK? IT TAKES PICTURES.

NO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

IT'S NOT VIDEO, YOU PUSSIES.

-I'M WITH JASON ON THIS ONE. -IT'S A BAD IDEA.

LISTEN, YOU TAKE THE CAMERA, AND YOU HAVE THE CONTROL.

-JESUS. -WHOA, WHOA!

-WHOO! -NO, WHAT?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

OH, NO! MY CONDOM FELL OFF.

-WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED. -I MEAN, IT BROKE.

-OH FUCK IT, YOU GUYS ARE CLEAN, RIGHT? -ARE YOU CLEAN?

YEAH, I GET TESTED EVERY HALLOWEEN.

OKAY, YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA GO OUT AND GET SOME ICE REAL QUICK.

WAIT, WE HAVE ICE CUBES IN THE BATHROOM.

I NEED CRUSHED ICE. I'LL SEE YOU GUYS IN A SEC.

-OKAY. -YOU STAY.

-[PAUL] YOU GO, CALIGULA! [JASON] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[JASON] SEND ME JPEGS!

YOU'RE NICKNAMED CALIGULA?

HEY, COULD WE TAKE IT LIKE A LITTLE SLOWER, MAYBE?

[MAN ON TV] SUCH A GOOD PAL.

[WOMAN ON TV] THE PRINCESS!

THE GIANT HAS STOLEN THE PRINCESS!

[MAN ON TV] HENRY, DO YOU HEAR WHAT THEY'RE YELLING?

THE GIANT HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS!

[SPRINGS CREAKING]

-HEY. -HEY.

[BRYN] LET ME TAKE THE COT.

I'M OKAY.

[BRYN] WHERE ARE YOUR LADY FRIENDS?

-HUH? -YOUR LADY FRIENDS?

OH, THE GIRLS FROM THE BAR?

YEAH, THE GIRLS FROM THE BAR.

JASON'S HANGING OUT WITH THEM.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THAT BED?

JASON'S PAYING FOR THE TOUR. HE SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN BED.

I'M FINE.

YOU COULD JUST SHARE THIS ONE WITH ME.

COME ON. JUST NO FUNNY STUFF.

OKAY.

AND IF JASON DOESN'T COME BACK, I'LL JUST SLIDE OVER.

[BRYN GIGGLING]

YOU CAN SPREAD OUT A LITTLE BIT.

I JUST DON'T WANNA CREATE THE PERCEPTION OF FUNNY STUFF.

HERE, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE PUT A PILLOW BETWEEN US?

CAN'T YOU STILL GET PREGNANT THAT WAY?

MM-MMM, PILLOW METHOD WORKS.

OKAY, GOOD, 'CAUSE I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE INADVERTENT PILLOW CHILDREN.

I'LL BE SO CAREFUL. GOOD NIGHT.

CAN I TURN THE TV OFF?

* IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING

* AND I RODE IN YOUR NEW CADILLAC *

* I AIN'T ONE FOR SURPRISES *

* BUT I FOUND MYSELF SLEEPING IN THE BACK *

[JASON] * DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FOREVER *

* BUT RIGHT NOW IS JUST FINE WITH ME *

* A NEW CITY IN THE MORNING

* BUT TONIGHT YOU'RE JUST WHAT I NEED *

* WON'T YOU RIDE

-OKAY, NOW LOWER REGISTER. -GO DEEPER.

-DEEPER REGISTER. -A LITTLE DEEPER, OKAY.

* RIDE ARE YOU READY?

-YEAH. -WE'LL START FROM THERE.

GO, I'M READY.

* WON'T YOU RIDE

* WON'T YOU RIDE

* IN MY NEW CADILLAC

* TREELINE FLIES BY

* AND THE SUN STARTS TO RISE ON YOUR BROW *

* NO PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

* BUT NOTHING'S AS FREE AS YOU NOW *

* THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND

* COME ON, BABY LOOK ME IN THE EYE *

* THE BITTER STORM ON MY SHOULDERS *

* HAS BROKE AND YOU'RE THE REASON WHY *

* WON'T YOU RIDE

* WON'T YOU RIDE

* IN MY NEW CADILLAC

WHO--WHO COUNTRY-DROPS IN AN EVITE?

THAT'S JUST TACKY, RIGHT?

WHAT? HOW DID YOU GET THE GIRAFFE COSTUME ON THAT CHICK?

UNCOUTH.

OKAY GUYS, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, VIRGINIA BEACH, GOODNIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

-OH, YEAH. WHOO! -WHOO WHOO!

WHOO, PAUL SCOTT!

-OOH, WAY TO GO. -IT'S A FUCKIN' NIGHTMARE.

WELL, I THOUGHT FUCK YOU WERE GREAT, MAN. YOU WERE GREAT.

HEY, I WANT YOU TO MEET THESE GUYS.

THEY MAKE THESE FUCKIN' YOUTUBE VIDEOS...

-YEAH. WHAT'S UP, MAN? -THEY'RE SO--THEY'RE HILARIOUS, MAN.

-THEY'RE SO FUCKIN' FUNNY. -THANK YOU. NICE SET, MAN.

-IT WAS GREAT. -YEAH, IT WAS GOOD. IT WAS A TOUGH CROWD.

YOU GOTTA SEE-- YOU GOTTA SEE THESE VID--

CAN YOU PULL THOSE OTHER ONES UP?

YOU GOTTA SEE THESE VIDEOS, MAN. I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN IF THEY COME ON TOUR WITH US, AND, LIKE, THEY GOT A THING THAT'S KINDA COOL.

-CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A QUICK SECOND? -HMM? YEAH.

-OKAY. ONE SECOND, GUYS. -OKAY. YEAH.

-OOH. ALL RIGHT. -DUDE, I'M FUCKING BOMBING UP THERE. HARD.

NO ONE'S LISTENING, INCLUDING YOU, AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU WANT TO BRING TWO COMICS ON TOUR WITH US?

I'M JUST--THEY'RE JUST-- IT WAS AN IDEA, I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW, YOU HAVE A LOT OF IDEAS. A LOT OF BAD, BAD IDEAS.

HEY, GUYS. WHAT'S GO-- THIS IS SO SERIOUS.

-WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON, WAIT. -LET ME GET US SOME DRINKS.

OKAY. I ASKED YOU IF YOU WANTED TO HEADLINE AND YOU SAID YES.

-AND NOW I'M THE BAD GUY? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? -COME ON. COME ON.

WHAT? NO. WE'RE COOL. WE'RE COOL.

-ARE WE COOL? -WE'RE COOL.

WE'RE COOL. OKAY, THEY'RE FU--ALL RIGHT.

LOOK. I FUCKED UP, OKAY? I'M SORRY.

BUT THIS WAS JUST ONE SHOW AND WE HAVE A SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT AND THIS DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

IT DOES MATTER, JASON. IT MATTERS TO ME, OKAY?

AND I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT, OKAY?

-I DON'T PARTY IN WIGWAMS WITH...BONIVER. -BON--BON IVER.

BON IVER? OKAY. I DON'T DO THAT. THAT'S NOT HOW I ROLL.

I HAVE TO GO UP THERE ON THAT STAGE AND FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT WORK.

BECAUSE IF I DON'T, I HAVE TO CRAWL BACK INTO A 9-TO-5 CAVE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU SAY THERE'S NO B-PLAN?

WELL, THIS? THIS? THIS IS MY A-PLAN?

OKAY. I'M SORRY, OKAY? YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M GONNA MAKE THIS RIGHT, OKAY?

NOW, LIKE, JUST, LET'S-- STARTING TOMORROW, OKAY?

-ARE YOU BRINGING THESE GUYS ON TOUR WITH US? -NO. NO, I'M NOT.

-JUST--JUST US. -OKAY. HERE WE GO. LET'S DO IT.

-HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT. -I'M GOING BACK TO THE HOTEL. YOU GUYS HANG OUT.

-OKAY. ALL RIGHT. -I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH. YOU GUYS--YOU GUYS GO.

FUCKING JASON. IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, HE LIKE...

...STUMBLES HIS WAY INTO SUCCESS, OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

-JUST LET IT OUT. -[BOTH CHUCKLE]

OKAY. I'M GONNA STOP. I'VE SAID MY PIECE.

WELL, IN OTHER NEWS, I...

I LOST MY JOB.

YOU LOST YOUR JOB? WHEN?

-A FEW DAYS AGO. -I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A JOB.

-WHAT WERE YOU DOIN'? -I WAS A COAT CHECK GIRL.

-ARE YOU SERIOUS? -WELL, YEAH. IS IT THAT INSANE?

NO, IT'S JUST, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST SO DAMNED CUTE.

-IT'S NOT CUTE. -IT IS, IT'S ADORABLE.

FIRST OF ALL, A VERY NOBLE PROFESSION.

IT'S LUCRATIVE, AND SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.

CAN YOU NOT TELL JASON ABOUT THE...JOB THING?

-WHY? -I'M EMBARRASSED.

-YOU'RE EMBARRASSED? -YEAH.

IT'S LAME, BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY AS AN ARTIST, YOU KNOW?

[CHUCKLES]

-YOUR SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME. -THANK YOU.

CAN WE JUST KEEP IT LIKE-- LIKE THIS?

LIKE WHAT?

I JUST-- I GOT OUTTA SOMETHING KIND OF RECENTLY AND I JUST...

RIGHT. THAT OLD CHESTNUT.

WHAT?

NOTHING. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

WELL CLEARLY SOMETHING'S BOTHERING YOU SO YOU SHOULD JUST SAY IT.

UH, YEAH, I GUESS I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW, LIKE, YOU AND JASON--

OH, GOD. [SIGHS]

WHAT? I THOUGHT WE REALLY, LIKE, HAD A NICE THING GOIN'.

I THOUGHT WE HAD A NICE THING GOING TOO, WHEN WE MET.

-YOU DID? -AND YOU WENT HOME.

-I WENT HOME? -YEAH.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WALK HOME TOGETHER AND THEN YOU DID A 180 AND DARTED BACK INSIDE.

I DID NOT DO A 180. MY FRIEND CAME UP TO ME AND SAID "ARE YOU GONNA COME LISTEN TO ME PLAY?" I HAD TO.

-YOU HAD TO. -I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA COME IN WITH ME.

YOU HAD TO DITCH ME, GO BACK INSIDE AND FUCK JASON?

REALLY? REALLY? OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, YOU WERE SOME GUY THAT I MET AT A BAR, WHO LIVED IN BOSTON. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I SHOULD FEEL BAD.

I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA EVER SEE YOU AGAIN.

IT'S NOT LIKE-- I'M FEELING I'M MADE TO FEEL LIKE I'M CHEATING ON SOMEBODY THAT I KNEW FOR 10 MINUTES.

ALSO, I JUST FELT LIKE IF YOU WOULD'VE BEEN ON YOUR WAY BACK TO THE HOTEL AND YOU RAN INTO SOME REALLY CUTE GIRL YOU WOULD'VE DONE EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

YEAH, WELL, STUFF LIKE THAT DOESN'T REALLY HAPPEN TO ME, SO...

WELL I DON'T KNOW WHY I-- WHATEVER.

ANYWAY, WHATEVER. WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

OKAY, GOODNIGHT.

[PHONE CHIMES]

HELLO?

HEY, DAVID. HOW ARE YA?

I'M DOIN' WELL THANKS, YEAH.

NO, NO, NO, JIM AND I ARE JUST FINISHING UP A FREELANCE PROJECT, -SO THIS IS A GOOD-- -JACK.

THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO CHAT.

YEAH. THIS A GOOD TIME TO CHAT FOR YOU?

UH-HUH. SO, UH, WHEN WOULD YOU NEED A DEFINITIVE ANSWER FROM ME, UH, REGARDING-- REGARDING THE POSITION?

[MAN] SO JASON, LET ME ASK YOU WHAT BRINGS YOUR...

PEREGRINATION TO OUR FAIR CITY OF CHARLESTON?

ACTUALLY, THERE'S A VERY SPECIAL PUH--PERSON--

THERE'S A LOT OF SPECIAL PEOPLE UM, IN CHARLESTON. THEY'VE REALLY SUPPORTED ME OVER MY CAREER.

AND I KINDA THOUGHT IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT TO GIVE BACK IN A WAY WHERE I COULD GO PLAY SOME SMALLER VENUES AND SMALLER SHOWS, A LITTLE MORE INTIMATE CROWDS.

SO TONIGHT WE ARE GOING TO BE PLAYING A FREE SHOW UH, AT THE SLITTED SKIRT, SO COME ON DOWN.

AND AS AN AMUSE-BOUCHE FOR THE AURAL DELIGHTS OF THIS EVENING, JASON AND BRYN ARE GOING TO FAVOR US WITH A SONG, LIVE IN STUDIO, YES?

ABSOLUTELY. AND UH, AND THIS TALL DRINK OF WATER BEHIND ME, THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN, IS, UH, A STAND UP COMIC.

YOU MIGHT'VE SEEN HIM ON CONAN O'BRIEN. HIS NAME IS PAUL SCOTT.

-GOOD MORNING. -ALL RIGHT, SCOTT, I HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR COMEDY STYLINGS. I--I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ON CONAN, BUT, UH, WHY DON'T YOU FAVOR US WITH YOUR FAVORITE JOKE.

I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN, SO I USUALLY JUST PERFORM IN CLUBS.

WELL, CONSIDER US YOUR COMEDY CLUB.

WELL, YEAH, BUT NO, IT'S LIKE A CONTEXT THING.

LIKE IT, YOU KNOW-- THERE NEEDS TO BE A CROWD IN FRONT OF ME

-AND A STAGE AND... -THE WAY RADIO WORKS IS, THERE IS A CROWD OUT THERE AND THEY'RE LISTENING RIGHT NOW, SO, JUST IMAGINE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A CROWD IF YOU COULD SEE THEM?

IMAGINE YOU'RE SEEING OVER A HUNDRED THOUSAND WPPC LISTENERS.

OKAY. WELL, HAVE YOU HEARD OF, UM, EVITES?

YES, UH, EVITES ARE-- THE "E" STANDS FOR "ELECTRONIC"

SO IT'S AN ELECTRONIC INVITATION, I BELIEVE IS WHAT THEY CALL IT.

-AND, UH, IT'S SOMETHING YOU'D GET ON YOUR EMAIL. -YEAH. RIGHT.

SO YOU'D THINK IT WOULD BE A VERY CONVENIENT WAY TO INVITE ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS IN ONE FELL SWOOP TO A PARTY YOU MIGHT BE HAVING.

UH, BUT FOR ME, IT'S ACTUALLY A VERY PUBLIC AND VERY HUMILIATING FORUM FOR PEOPLE TO TELL ME WHY THEY WON'T ATTEND MY PARTY.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

LIKE I HAD ONE FRIEND, SHE ACTUALLY SAID, "NO, PLUS ONE."

SO EVEN PEOPLE THAT I DON'T KNOW AREN'T COMING TO MY PARTY.

HMM. HMM. [CHUCKLES]

IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE, I SUPPOSE.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH THERE, SCOTT.

AND WHEN WE ARE BACK FROM A VERY QUICK PLEDGE DRIVE ANNOUNCEMENT, WE WILL BE LIVE IN STUDIO WITH JASON BLACK AND BRYN MILLER.

OKAY, YOU KNOW, THIS SPACE IS A LITTLE BIJOU.

UM, SCOTT, WHY DON'T YOU, UH, WHY DON'T YOU SLIDE OVER INTO STUDIO-B, GET ON THAT MIC.

YEAH. YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE THE ROOM?

GO AROUND THIS WAY AND ENTER.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, CHRIS, I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE WE COULD MENTION SOME OF PAUL'S COMEDY STYLINGS AND LIKE, JUST GET INTO THAT A LITTLE BIT, 'CAUSE I THINK IT'D REALLY HELP HIM OUT.

WE MAY NOT HAVE TIME TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT, BUT WE CAN CERTAINLY SCRIBE SOMETHING ON OUR TWITTER FEED.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA BE BACK LIVE IN...

FOUR...THREE...

[CHUCKLES] SO TRUE, SO TRUE.

OKAY, WE ARE BACK ON "MORNING ASSORTED"

AND NOW AN EXCLUSIVE WPPC CHARLESTON PUBLIC RADIO DELIGHT.

HERE'S JASON BLACK AND BRYN MILLER.

-READY? -YEAH.

* WE'RE COMIN' UP ONTO YOU *

* SINCE YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF MY LIFE *

* AND OCCASIONALLY I DO SEE A BACKHAND THING *

* WHERE IT WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE TO BE YOUR BRIDE *

* YOU TRY TO GET ME TO APOLOGIZE *

* BUT THERE WON'T BE NONE OF THAT HERE *

* YOU WEREN'T THE ANGEL THAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE *

* AND I HAVEN'T HAD A BEER IN OVER A YEAR *

[BOTH] * GET GOIN', MOVE ON *

* YOU CAN TAKE THE DOG AND GIVE ME BACK MY SONG *

* GET GOIN', MOVE ON *

* YOU CAN TAKE THE DOG BUT GIVE ME BACK MY SONG *

-HEY. -HEY.

THE SOUND GUY WANTS TO KNOW HOW MANY GUITARS YOU'RE GONNA USE.

UH, JUST ONE, THE STICKEL.

AND THEN, IT HAS A SOUNDHOLE PICKUP.

-HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT. -OKAY.

-THE REST OF THE STUFF IS IN MY CASE. -OKAY, GREAT.

HOW DO I LOOK? DO I LOOK GOOD?

YOU LOOK GREAT. YOU LOOK SMART, DASHING.

-PROFESSOR-LIKE? -PROFESSORIAL.

YEAH. YOU LOOK GREAT. MAYBE JUST TUCK, UH, THIS STUFF.

NO--NO NECKLACES? ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, ON YOU, THEY'RE BETTER OUT BECAUSE THEY GET JAMBLED.

-OKAY. HOW'S THAT? -LOOKS GREAT.

-QUICK FINGER-COMB OF THE BEARD. -FINGER-COMB.

-OKAY. HOW'S THAT? -GOOD. LOOK GREAT.

-THAT GOOD? -YOU GOT THIS.

-PHEW. ALL RIGHT. -GOOD LUCK.

-HEY, BECKY. HEY. -HI.

-HOW'S IT GOIN'? HI. -HEY.

-YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. -JASON, OH, MY GOD.

-YOU LOOK SUPER. -YOU'RE SO SWEET.

-YOU LOOK SO GREAT. -THANK YOU.

-WHOA. -YEAH, RIGHT? I KNOW.

SPORTS COAT. FIRST TIME IN--FOR EVERYTHING.

-GOD, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. -OH, THANK YOU.

-YEAH. -I APPRECIATE IT.

-IT'S ALL RIGHT. -WELL, I'VE NEVER, UM, BEEN HERE BEFORE.

-REALLY, YEAH, IT'S-- -YEAH, IT'S, UH, NEAT.

YEAH, WELL, I-- YOU KNOW, WE CAN GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

NO, NO. LIKE, I MEAN... LIKE TO A STRIP CLUB, OR...

A LITTLE STEP DOWN OR-- OH, HI.

-HI. WELCOME TO THE SLITTED SKIRT. -HI.

MY NAME IS KELLY, I WILL BE YOUR WAITRESS TONIGHT.

-HI, KELLY. -WE HAVE A COUPLE SPECIALS.

WE HAVE A LEGGY LAGER AND A HORNY HEFEWEISEN.

-[CHUCKLES] UM, O YOU WANT SOME... -THEY BOTH SOUND GREAT.

-OKAY, YEAH, THE HEF WOULD BE GREAT.

-THE HORNY HEF? -THE HORNY HEF.

-[CHUCKLES] -YOU GOT IT.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE NOT BEEN OUT ON A SUNDAY IN A REALLY LONG TIME.

REALLY? WHY? WHAT'S--

YEAH, WELL, I MEAN I'M OUT OF THE HOUSE MOST MORNINGS BY, LIKE, SIX, SO...

YOU KNOW WHAT? FOR YOU I AM MAKING AN EXCEPTION.

[LAUGHS] AH, WELL, I'M--I'M HONORED.

HEY, HOW'S YOUR DAD?

OH, HE'S GREAT. HE'S DOIN' A LOT BETTER. THANKS.

-I'LL TELL HIM YOU SAID "HEY." HE'LL LIKE THAT. -YEAH. THANKS.

I THINK THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU IT WAS AT THE ATLANTA SHOW.

NO, AT THE SHOW IN NEW YORK.

-YEAH, YOU REMEMBER I FLEW UP? -OH. YEAH.

THE SHOW IN NEW YORK. THAT WAS A CRAZY WEEKEND.

-LOOK, AND YOU'RE ENGAGED. -YUP.

-I MEAN, LOOK. WOW. -NOT EVERY GIRL CAN JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR MR. JASON BLACK.

-YOU KNOW? SO. -YEAH. YEAH.

-WELL, HE'S A LUCKY DUDE. -THANK YOU.

YEAH, I GUESS I ALWAYS JUST WONDERED...

WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF WE WERE TOGETHER

-AND WE HAD KEPT-- -HERE'S Y'ALL'S HORNY HEF, AND I GOT BOTH OF Y'ALL A COUPLE OF TEQUILA SHOTS JUST FOR THE WAIT.

-OH, THAT'S A REPOSADO. -[JASON] WOW.

IT'S VERY SMOOTH.

I ACTUALLY JUST HAD ONE IN THE BACK WITH THE BUSBOY.

-GREAT. -CAN I START YOU OFF WITH SOME WINGS?

UM, DO YOU WANT-- ARE YOU HUNGRY?

-DO YOU WANNA EAT? -NO, I'M GOOD, BUT YOU SHOULD EAT, YOU'RE PROBABLY STARVED.

UH, OKAY, FINE. I'LL GET THE 12 WINGS WITH THE BLUE CHEESE DRESSING.

-AND THEN, UM-- -HOW ABOUT THE NAUGHTY SAUCE?

-THE NAUGHTY SAUCE, THANK YOU. -ALL RIGHT, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

THAT'S IT, YUP. GREAT.

THANK YOU.

UM, SORRY, UH, YEAH, I GUESS I JUST ALWAYS WAS WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF WE HAD BEEN A COUPLE.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?

I THINK ABOUT IT A LOT.

ALL THE TIME. I REALLY DO.

WELL, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME, WHY DID YOU NEVER THINK TO CALL ME, OR EMAIL ME?

-FUCKING TEXT ME? -I KNOW.

OKAY, THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO BRING YOU OUT TONIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU.

I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

OH, OKAY. GREAT. SO, HOW DO YOU FEEL? TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL.

WELL, I FEEL LIKE I'M READY TO START THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW? I FEEL LIKE I'M READY TO SETTLE DOWN, AND HAVE KIDS, AND A HOUSE.

YOU-- YOU COULD BE THE ONE.

YOU THINK I'M THE ONE?

I MEAN, I KNEW THAT I WAS ONE OF, LIKE, MANY.

LIKE, I'M THE MOST SPECIAL OF EVERYONE?

IF YOU THINK I'M THE ONE, I MEAN, YOU--

YOU HAVE A REALLY INTERESTING WAY OF SHOWING IT.

TRUST ME, I KNOW.

ARE YOU SAYING TO ME THAT YOU'RE READY, THAT YOU WANT TO BE IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP?

YEAH, WELL, I MEAN, I THINK THOSE ARE THINGS THAT WE CAN FIGURE OUT.

THESE ARE THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE CONSIDERED BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP HERE TONIGHT AND JUST DUMPED THIS ON ME.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT THERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S STILL HERE?

HERE YOU GO. NAUGHTY WINGS WITH NAUGHTY SAUCE.

GREAT, THANK YOU. THANKS A LOT.

-CAN I GET Y'ALL SOMETHING ELSE? -YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST THE CHECK, I THINK, WOULD BE GOOD.

OKAY, UM, ALL RIGHT.

JUST DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE'D SIT ALONE AND WE'D TALK ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE, -JUST YOU AND I? -YES.

YEAH, OF COURSE I REMEMBER THAT.

AND, AT THAT TIME, I WANTED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING.

BUT YOU NEVER STEPPED UP, AND NOW I'M ABOUT TO GET MARRIED.

AND YOU LOVE HIM?

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU, JASON.

YOU DON'T GET TO DO THIS.

YOU DON'T GET TO JUST BREEZE INTO TOWN AND CARRY GIRLS OFF TO, LIKE-- ROCK AND ROLL LAND.

JUST GIVE ME A NIGHT.

JUST ONE NIGHT.

I THINK THAT THAT'S THE PROBLEM...

BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE GOOD FOR IS ONE NIGHT.

* I SEE ON OUR FACES

WELL, MAYBE BECKY IS STRESSED OUT BECAUSE SHE'S PLANNING A WEDDING.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY, ALL RIGHT?

I TOLD YOU SO, I KNOW.

I WASN'T GONNA SAY THAT.

I WAS GONNA SAY THAT I'M SORRY.

I'M GENUINELY SORRY.

DUDES, SHE IS ON HER LAST SONG, SO YOU GOT ABOUT TWO MORE MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S GREAT. THANKS A LOT.

LOOK, MAN, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS YOU TRIED.

YOU MUSTERED THE COURAGE TO TALK TO HER, TO PLAN THIS WHOLE THING OUT.

YOU KNOW, YOU STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE.

-I RESPECT THAT. -OH, MAN, I WAS A DICK. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

-SHE'S ENGAGED. -YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE.

-YOU HAD TO FIND OUT. -YEAH, WELL, I GUESS THERE'S THAT.

SO WHAT'S UM-- WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU AND BRYN?

WITH BRYN?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS, I THOUGHT SOMETHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BY NOW.

YOU KNOW, JUST HANGING OUT, GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

WELL, LET ME KNOW.

"LET YOU KNOW"? WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF WE BOTH LOST OUT ON IT, YOU KNOW?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? I'M TALKING ABOUT BRYN.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A WOMAN HERE.

-DO YOU REALIZE THAT? -YEAH, AND SHE'S GREAT.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PIECE OF PROPERTY.

IS THIS-- IS THIS-- ARE WE-- IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF A LECTURE?

OKAY, I FUCKING KNOW THAT. I KNOW, ALL RIGHT, SO DON'T FUCKING-- DON'T LECTURE ME.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GET YOUR SLOPPY SECONDS TO MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE?

DO YOU? EVER SINCE WE WERE FUCKING KIDS, WHENEVER I'D SHOW ANY INTEREST IN A GIRL, YOU WOULD SWEEP IN AND SNATCH HER AWAY

-LIKE A VULTURE. -THAT'S BULLSHIT.

-IT'S BULLSHIT? -YEAH.

YOU LEAVE THAT FUCKING DOOR OPEN BECAUSE YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING.

YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING.

AND RIGHT NOW WITH BRYN.

ALL RIGHT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

I'M SORRY IT'S HARD FOR YOU, JASON.

I'M SORRY THAT I MOVE AT A SLOWER PACE THAN YOU.

I'M SORRY I CAN'T RUN GAME ON WOMEN THE WAY THAT YOU CAN, OKAY?

I LIKE TO GET TO KNOW WOMEN FIRST.

I HAVE VULNERABILITY. I'M SORRY THAT FRUSTRATES YOU.

I'M SORRY I CAN'T LOCK IT DOWN LIKE YOU CAN.

-YOU HAVE VULNERABILITY? -YEAH.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF BULLSHIT I'VE EVER HEARD YOU SAY.

YOU GO UP THERE, AND YOU DO SOMETHING FROM A GREEN FUCKING NOTEBOOK BECAUSE YOU CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

YOU CAN'T BE WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE DESPERATELY AFRAID.

YOU ARE SCARED OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND TO BE YOU.

AND IF YOU THINK BRYN WANTS TO BE WITH THAT GUY, GO AHEAD, YOU CAN HAVE BRYN.

I CAN HAVE HER. THANK YOU, KING JASON.

I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING PERMISSION TO SLEEP WITH BRYN.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU GUYS, BUT JUST FYI, I HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN SLEEPING WITH EITHER OF YOU.

THANK YOU, CHARLESTON.

STICK AROUND FOR ONE OF THESE TWO ASSHOLES.

THAT WAS BRYN MILLER. THAT WAS FUN.

-OKAY, WHO LIKES COMEDY? -[MILD APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY DOES. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GIVE A WARM SUIT AND SKIRT WELCOME TO COMEDIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE, PAUL SCOTT!

HAVE A GREAT SET.

HOW YOU GUYS DOING?

[WOMAN] WHOO!

MY NAME IS PAUL SCOTT. I'M A FAKE COMEDIAN.

I'M CURRENTLY ON A FAKE TOUR WITH THE MAN THAT YOU'RE ALL PATIENTLY WAITING TO SEE TONIGHT, -JASON BLACK. -[CHEERING]

I'M A FAKE COMEDIAN, ON A FAKE TOUR THAT JASON SET UP SO THAT HE COULD CONFESS HIS LOVE TO A WOMAN THAT HE SEES ABOUT ONCE A YEAR.

OH, AND SHE'S ENGAGED. DID I MENTION THAT?

SHE'S ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.

SO, ALL YOU MEN OUT THERE IN THE AUDIENCE, MAKE SURE YOU HOLD YOUR LADIES CLOSE, BECAUSE HE WILL TRY TO LURE THEM AWAY, WITH HIS GUITAR, AND HIS HIPPIE CHARMS, AND HIS DIRTY FEET.

NO, YEAH, WE'RE DOING OKAY, THANKS.

YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR SOME TRUTH, RIGHT?

-HONESTY, RIGHT? -[MEN] YEAH!

WELL, HERE'S THE HONEST TRUTH.

IT'S NOT ENTIRELY JASON'S FAULT.

IF I WAS COMPLETELY HONEST, I'D HAVE TO SAY THAT.

SOME MEN ARE BORN WITH IT, AND THE OTHERS, LIKE MOST OF US, LIKE ME, THEY AREN'T BORN WITH IT, AND THINGS ARE A STRUGGLE, AND YOU HAVE TO FIGHT, AND IT'S MESSY, AND THERE'S PAIN.

I HAD A FIANCEE AND RECENTLY SHE LEFT ME TO BE WITH A GUY NAMED RON.

DJ RON, WHO WEARS A YANKEES HAT.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE RULES OF BASEBALL, BUT HE WEARS A YANKEES HAT.

THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY SHE'S GONNA MARRY.

-DJ RON. -AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

WE DIDN'T GET TO A DIVORCE. WE DIDN'T GET THAT FAR.

A DIVORCE WOULD HAVE BEEN HONORABLE.

A DIVORCE IMPLIES THAT YOU ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING.

WE DIDN'T GET THAT FAR. WE HAD A DISENGAGEMENT.

WE HAD A PRE-VORCE. DOESN'T SOUND GREAT, DOES IT?

PREVORCE.

DO YOU THINK FRANK SINATRA BROKE OFF ENGAGEMENTS? NO.

THAT GUY GOT DIVORCED. DI-VORCED.

BUT IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS.

THE SILVER LINING IS THAT I GOT 50% OF MY WEDDING DEPOSIT BACK, SO, IN THE FUTURE, IF I EVER WERE TO GET TO THE ALTAR AGAIN, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I COULD FUND HALF A WEDDING.

MAYBE DJ ROB COULD COME WITH JUST ONE OF HIS TURNTABLES.

JUST HAVE HALF A WEDDING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S FINE.

THAT'S LIFE. THAT'S PART OF BEING A HUMAN.

AND YOU'RE BETTER OFF HEARING IT FROM ME, THAN FROM JASON, BECAUSE JASON HAS NEVER KNOWN A DAY OF STRUGGLE IN HIS LIFE.

I LOVE THE GUY. HE'S A GREAT GUY, BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW STRUGGLE.

AND THAT'S THE TRUTH. AND THANKS FOR HEARING IT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A GREAT GROUP OF LISTENERS.

THIS HAS BEEN AN AMAZING TOUR, AND NOW WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO, THE MAN OF THE HOUR, MR. JASON BLACK.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

* YOU JUST SETTLE BACK, DARLING *

* YOU LOOK ALL HUNG DOWN AND RAGGY *

* I CAN TELL YOU'VE BEEN WANDERING *

* ACROSS THE ROAD

* WIND DID BLOW

* A LITTLE COLDER

* A LITTLE OLDER

* AND IT'S WHISPERING 'SLEEP NOW, SOLDIER' *

* IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY

* AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED A LITTLE TIME *

* WELL, REST YOUR HEAD, NOW

* CLOSE YOUR EYES

* CAUSE IN THE MORNING THE SUN WILL RISE *

* AND YOU WILL REMEMBER

* THERE'S NOTHING SHINING LIKE THE DAWN *

* SHINING LIKE THE DAWN

* SHINING LIKE THE DAWN

* SHINING LIKE THE DAWN

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANKS A LOT. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

-[WOMAN] LOVE YOU. -[JASON] WOW.

LOVE YOU, TOO. SO, A FEW MONTHS AGO I WENT ON A ROAD TRIP WITH A BUDDY, AND IT WAS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.

WE'D KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

AND HE'S A COMEDIAN. HE'S A VERY FUNNY GUY.

BUT HE WAS KIND OF DOWN ON HIS LUCK, KIND OF DOWN ON HIMSELF. THINGS WEREN'T REALLY GOING THAT WELL.

-SO, I ASKED HIM-- -HEY, SORRY, THAT TICKET'S FOR THE VIP SECTION.

THAT'S ALL THE WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BUILDING.

OTHER SIDE? OKAY, THANKS.

[JASON] AND HE SAID, YEAH. SO WE WENT ON TOUR.

AND AFTER A FEW WEEKS, IT WAS A TOTAL BREAKTHROUGH.

-[MAN] YEAH! -A BREAKTHROUGH.

AND IT WAS TWO FRIENDS, WELL, TWO ARTISTS, REALLY TRAVELLING THROUGH THE FORGOTTEN COASTAL TOWNS OF AMERICA AND TRYING TO MAKE CONNECTIONS WITH PEOPLE IN VERY REAL, VERY DIFFERENT WAYS.

AND IT WAS REALLY SPECIAL TO ME.

-[MAN] RIGHT ON! -HE REMINDED ME OF WHY I DO THIS, REMINDED ME OF WHEN I FIRST STARTED PLAYING MUSIC, AND THERE WERE NO TOUR BUSES.

NO PRESS AGENTS.

-NO FANS. -[CHEERING]

BUT IT REMINDED ME OF WHAT WAS REAL ABOUT IT WHICH WAS THE DESIRE, THE HOPE, THE HUNGER, AND THE FREEDOM.

-[CHEERING] -FREE.

ANYWAY, I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS SONG TO MY BUDDY, PAUL.

-[CHEERING] -AND HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.


* A BOY WAKES UP FROM HIS DREAM *

* JUMPS OUT OF BED AND KNOWS THAT HE WILL CONQUER THE WORLD *

CHEERS.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-HI. -HEY.

-HOW ARE YOU? -NICE TO SEE YOU.

IT'S REALLY NICE TO SEE YOU.

-THAT WAS AMAZING. -OH, THANKS.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. THAT WAS AN AWESOME SHOW.

-THANKS. I WAS A ROCK STAR. -I KNOW.

-I ROCK-STARRED HARD. -I KNOW.

THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY AWESOME.

-THANKS FOR COMING. -OF COURSE.

YEAH.

-DID YOU HAVE FUN? -I HAD A BLAST, ARE YOU KIDDING?

WERE YOUR SEATS-- WERE THEY GOOD?

-THEY WERE GREAT. -OKAY, GOOD. GOOD TO KNOW.

YEAH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WOMAN'S FACE AT WILL CALL WHEN I PICKED THEM UP, VERY IMPRESSED.

SHUT UP.

OH, GOOD. HOW'S YOUR NEW JOB?

-IT'S GOOD. -YEAH?

YEAH, IT'S GOOD. I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I DON'T COMPLETELY DESPISE IT.

YOU SHOULD WORD IT LIKE THAT WHEN YOU ASK FOR A PROMOTION.

RIGHT, VERBATIM. HOW'S THE TOUR?

-HOW'S ALL THIS TREATING YOU? -IT'S CRAZY.

-YEAH? -YEAH, NO, IT'S GOOD.

UM, YEAH, JASON, HE'S BEEN REALLY SUPPORTIVE, AND, LIKE, HELPFUL. YEAH, IT'S BEEN GOOD.

GREAT, GOOD.

AND ARE YOU TWO, MM-MM--

NO, WE'RE NOT "MM-MM"-ING, NO.

ANY OTHER LUCKY GUYS IN THE PICTURE?

NOPE, JUST THE GROUPIES.

BUT I USE THEM FOR THEIR BODIES.

-WELL, OF COURSE. -[LAUGHS]

UM, DO YOU MAYBE WANNA MAYBE GO TO DINNER WITH US?

WE-- IT'S A WEIRD GROUP DINNER, BUT YOU COULD PROBABLY COME.

UH, YOU KNOW, I'M DOING THIS THING AT THE NORTH SIDE TONIGHT.

-SO, I-- -[LAUGHING]

ARE YOU GUYS COOL?

-ME AND JASON? -YEAH.

YEAH, WE'RE COOL.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM SINCE, YOU KNOW, SINCE--

THE MELTDOWN.

THE MELTDOWN? IS THAT WHAT YOU GUYS ARE CALLING IT?

NO. NO, WE'RE NOT-- I MEAN, YOU KNOW HIM.

HE KEEPS EVERYTHING BURIED, BUT I WAS WONDERING.

SO, UM, CAN I SEE YOU LATER ON TONIGHT?

YEAH, I WOULD LOVE THAT. I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW OUR EXACT SCHEDULE--

-FEEL IT OUT. -I'LL FEEL IT OUT.

YEAH.

COOL.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TEXT YOU IN A BIT.

-I'LL SEE YOU LATER. -ALL RIGHT.

-BYE. -BYE.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

* OOGUM, OOGUM, BOOGUM, BOOGUM, BOOGUM *

* NOW, BABY, YOU'RE CASTING YOUR SPELL ON ME *

* I SAY OOGUM, OOGUM, BOOGUM, BOOGUM, BOOGUM *

* NOW, BABY, YOU'RE CASTING YOUR SPELL ON ME *

* YOU GOT ME DOING FUNNY THINGS LIKE A CLOWN *

* JUST LOOK AT ME

* WHEN YOU WEAR YOUR HIGH HEEL BOOTS *

* WITH YOUR HIP HUGGER SUIT

* IT'S ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE OUTTA SIGHT...*

YOU CUT ME, YOU CUT ME, YOU CUT ME TO THE CORE.

I NEED YOU. THANK YOU.

[MAN] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S STEVEN KADOWSKI EVERYBODY.

AND REMEMBER, GUYS, WHEN YOU GET THE LIGHT THAT MEANS YOU REALLY HAVE TO WRAP IT UP.

WE CAN'T KEEP GOING OVER, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE AT NUMBER 37, PAUL SCOTT.

PAUL SCOTT, ANOTHER NO-SHOW?

-NOPE. -PAUL SCOTT. ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.

GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR PAUL SCOTT, YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

THANKS A LOT. THANK YOU.

SO I HAVE THIS BUDDY, HE'S A MUSICIAN, PRETTY FAMOUS, WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS...

SINCE WE WERE KIDS, AND UM--

A FEW MONTHS AGO HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO JOIN HIM ON THIS EAST COAST TOUR.

* OOH, OOH, OOH

* NOW, MERCY, MERCY ON ME

* ALL RIGHT

* WHEN YOU WEAR THAT CUTE TRENCH COAT *

* AND YOU'RE STANDING AND POSING *

* YOU GOT SOUL, YOU GOT TOO MUCH SOUL *

* I JUST SAYS WHO GOT THE BLUES *

* SAY, WHO GOT THE BLUES SAY WHO GOT THE BLUES *

* NOW CASTING YOUR SPELL ON ME *

* BUT I SAY WHO GOT THE BLUES *

* SAY, WHO GOT THE BLUES SAY WHO GOT THE BLUES *

* NOW CASTING YOUR SPELL ON ME *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH

* OOH, OOH, OOH

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH

* OOH, OOH, OOH

* TAKE MY HAND, TAKE MY HAND

* TAKE MY HAND, TAKE MY HAND *

* I'LL HOLD ON TO YOU, MY FRIEND *

* I'LL HOLD ON TO YOU, MY FRIEND *

* THIS WORLD WILL BREAK THE BEST-MADE PLANS *

* BABY, BABY

* WE'LL STICK TOGETHER

* DOWN THIS ROAD, DOWN THIS ROAD *

* DOWN THIS ROAD, DOWN THIS ROAD *

* YOU WILL SHARE MY HEAVY LOAD *

* YOU WILL SHARE MY HEAVY LOAD *

* WHERE WE'LL END UP WE DON'T KNOW *

* HEY, YEAH, HEY, YEAH *

* WE'LL STICK TOGETHER

* AND WE'LL BE DANCING TILL WE SURRENDER *

* WE'LL FALL DOWN WHEN WE'RE DONE *

* THEY KNOW WHERE THEY CAN FIND US *

* OUT HERE ON THE RUN

* SO COME ON OVER

* WHOO HOO

* WHOO HOO

* WHOO HOO

* WHOO HOO

* HOLD YOU CLOSE, HOLD YOU CLOSE *

* HOLD YOU CLOSE, HOLD YOU CLOSE *

* YOU'RE THE ONE I NEED THE MOST *

* FROM THE PEAKS DOWN TO THE COAST *

* BABY, BABY

* WE'LL STICK TOGETHER

* TAKE MY HAND, TAKE MY HAND

* TAKE MY HAND, TAKE MY HAND *

* I'LL HOLD ON TO YOU, MY FRIEND *

* I'LL HOLD ON TO YOU, MY FRIEND *

* THIS WORLD WILL BREAK THE BEST-MADE PLANS *

* HEY YEAH, HEY YEAH

* WE'LL STICK TOGETHER

* AND WE'LL BE DANCING TILL WE SURRENDER *