Fool's Gold (2008) Script

You fuck, you broke it.

What the hell was that?

What was what?

I'm referring to the enormous underwater explosion.

Alfonz? What?

Do you have any idea what this is?

I would guess it is a piece of a plate from Howard Johnson's.

Do you have any idea what this is, buddy?

This is it.

This is it, man, this is what I've been looking for for eight years.

Eight years.


Oh, good God. Oh, thank you.

Oh, baby, I knew you were here. Oh, yes, you are.

Where's the boat?

Where's the boat? I don't know.

What, did somebody just take it?

I found it.

What do you mean? Where is it? It will come to you.

Oh, no.

For some reason, I'm not entirely surprised.

Oh, no.

Hey, guys. Get in.

You wanna know where the boat went. It took us a minute to figure it out too.

You sunk it. Listen, Curtis, forget the boat.

We found something. I mean, we found something.

Bigg Bunny spent some major bank on that leaky-ass piece of shit.

How come it sunk?

Look, boats sink. I mean, nobody knows why.

Can I show you what I found?

I think it was the compressor. Don't help me.

I want them to know it was you who stole their money.

You didn't buy a new compressor?

It's okay if I take off now? Yeah, man, we don't care about you.

Oh, you disloyal Ukrainian prick.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Easy.

Get in the damn boat.



What perfect hair.

What a perfect hairstyle.

Oh, my God, what perfect nails. Where did you get them done?

You did them yourself? Oh, my God.

They're so incredibly perfect.

Like your incredibly perfect face, and your...

...perfect personality.

Ugh. Ooh.

That's nice.

Lillian, I've called Teddy and Purdy...

...and they're not going to tell their editors...

...not to publish stories about her.

It's how they make a living. Anyway...

...what about the other half-dozen bloody magazines...

...she's always appearing in half-clothed...

...and halfway on her way to the bloody halfway house?

Crush them too?

No, no, no, I assure you that as soon as Gemma arrives...

...I have every intention of giving her a very firm talking-to, and l...

Hello? Oh...

My ex-wife.

Yes, sir.

Was there something else, uh?

Tess. I'm sorry. Tess, yes.

No, sir.

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you accommodating me.

How did I do that?

You know, by agreeing to stop in Key West for my thing tomorrow.

Your thing?

Oh, yes, I remember. Married, are you getting?

Oh, no.



Your idea?


I don't mean to pry, just...

That's all right. I'll tell you all about it sometime.

If you like.

Anyway, thanks again.

You're welcome.

I authorized $62,581.43 to fix that boat.

So where my money at?

Oh, God, I don't know, um... It's all over.

All over where?

The world.

All over the world?

The Caribbean, mainly.

Hell, I was pretty much blown out... just about every dive supplier south of Key West.

I don't believe this guy. Look.

I used the money to pay off some old debts...

...which, if anything, should reassure you.

Because now I owe you money, and you know that I'm good for it.


Now, can we talk about the plate?

Come on.

A plate from Howard Johnson's.

It is not a plate from Howard Johnson's, man.

That's got half the Vangor family crest stamped on the back of it.

And if you just let me get back down to my boat...

...all right, before my books rot, I'll prove it.

Shit look more to me like half a Arby's logo or something.

Look at the filigree scalloping on the rim.

Do you understand what this means?

Get his embezzling ass off my island.


Can I have my shard back?

You ain't gonna need it.

So you do know what it means.

No, no, no, get...

You guys are making a big mistake.

Bigg Bunny is never gonna find the Aurelia without me.

You ever hear the expression, "miss by an inch, miss by a mile"?

It's a diving expression.

It means, you miss by an inch, you miss by a mile.

Now, that wreck could be scattered over 20 miles, guys.

Any last words?


Tell Tess I love her.


Who's Tess?

It's my wife.

At least she will be till 10:00 tomorrow morning.

She's divorcing me...

...and I still don't know what I did wrong.

Well, brother, you ain't never gonna find out, neither.

Let's go. Curtis, hold it, help.

Help. Help!

Oh, shit.


Hey. Don't move.

Oh, shit.

Whoa. Whoa.

Get him.

Use the boat. Start the engine.

Oh, shit!




Please, Lord, don't let me shoot off my foot.

Okay, guys...

...wish me luck.

Good luck, honey. Don't lose your nerve at the last minute.

She don't need her nerve, 10-to-1 the guy don't even show up.

Why do you say that? Because that's his nature.

What the hell do you know? That's right.

Defend that bastard and attack your friends who love you.

I've got no feelings.

I'm just saying you don't know anything about my marriage.

Well, I heard enough. Hmm.

Do I comment on your love life?

You could, if I didn't happen to be the most fortunate guy in the world.

Get out of here.

I just want you to have the happiness me and Eddie thank God for every day.

He's not exaggerating, either. We really do that.

Apparently this makes me some kind of deranged animal.

You make it sound like I never meant anything to him.

All I said was the guy has a tendency to miss a lot of appointments.

Behold this dude.

What's up?

Oh, my God, are you from Cuba?

Lucky for you we happened along, my most superfluously toasted friend.

Water, water.

It appears that you have run dry of the sacred nectar.

Oh, yeah.


All hail Neptune, and those who party on his mighty waves.

Hail, Neptune. Whoo! Hail, Neptune. Whoo!

Decent rescue.

Holy shit.

Go faster. Whoo!

Take a left right here.

I'll give him a few more minutes, Mr. McCintry...

...but if he's not here by a quarter past...

...l'll be forced to award everything to Mrs. Finnegan here... default.

I'm gonna kill him. Do you wanna go to prison?

If it gets me out of Florida?

Honey, Florida didn't ruin your life. You did.

You married a guy for the sex, and then expected him to be smart.


Maybe he had car trouble.

Car trouble?

Yeah. You know... trouble.

He'd have to own a car...

...which he couldn't even if he wanted to because he has no money.

He has no credit.

He has no clue how to behave like a responsible adult.


Which is why I can't get a loan, because everything is in our name. Ha-ha.

I can't even pay for school and finish my degree...

...which is what I was doing in the first place...

...before I got dragged down here on spring break.

But like you said, the sex was really...

...really, really great.

Do you have any idea how humiliating it is... get divorced by yourself?

Your Honor, this is a big mistake.

This woman...

...and I still love each other.

Don't do this, Tess.

Look, I know I messed up, all right?

But I'm willing to change in any area that you feel needs work.

I wanna make you happy.

I'll do anything.

I'll see a counselor.

Will you come to Chicago with me like you promised?

Could be... I mean, that could work.

I'll definitely see the counselor.

Mr. Finnegan...

...I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to inform you that under Florida law... and this woman have been divorced for the last 50 or 60 seconds.

Moreover, as you were not present at the time of the proceedings...

...she got everything.

We're divorced?

I'm afraid so.


Excuse me.

Oh, wait, Tess. I gotta tell you what happened.


We found it. Me and Alfonz.

About a hundred yards off the reef. Right where we always said she'd be.


Prove it.

Excuse me, excuse me, you have a pen, paper?

Anybody got a pen, pencil, paper, anything?

Your uselessness is epic.

What does that mean? Here we go.

All right. Alfonz and I are diving...

...and I come across this plate, dinner plate, about yay big.

It's plain white...

...but this...

...was stamped on the back... blue.

It's the Vangor family crest, Tess.

You were right all along. You were right before anybody.

Where did you find this? A hundred yards off the reef.

Wow, Finn. Oh, my God.

That's what I'm saying.

Where's the plate?

Well, I don't have it on me this minute.

Where do you have it?

Well, it's back there.



I know what you're thinking, Tess. But I swear to God it's the truth.

You can ask Alfonz.

Okay. Where is he?

Well, he's back there too.

I can't believe you would dangle this in front of me.

I can't believe it.

You really think I'd lie about this? Why not? You're a liar.

But this is an inappropriate time to dwell on that.

You... I can draw this picture too.

Hey, Tess, I'm telling you, we solved a 300-year-old mystery yesterday.

Married or not...

...if we don't go after that ship, it's gonna haunt us the rest of our lives.

I wasted eight years of my life on this bullshit.

I'm going back to Chicago. I'm gonna get my Ph. D...

...and I'm going to spend the rest of my life teaching, reading and writing books.

And somewhere in there I'm gonna meet an intelligent, successful man...

...who can get through an entire conversation without using "definitely."

First of all, I hardly ever say that anymore.

And when are you gonna stop selling this crap about going back to school?

You want history? It's under the ocean, lady.

What, are you telling me you wanna spend your life in some dark room...

...taking notes and writing books...

...about what some old putz in another room cooked up in his head...

...about things that you have actually seen...

...and touched and pulled out of the sand with your own hands?


I'm so glad we're not married anymore.

Well, where are you gonna get the tuition money anyway?

That's the best part. By selling the boat.

By selling my boat, which belongs to me, which used to belong to us...

...but you missed the divorce so now it belongs to me.

I'm gonna fix it up, I'm gonna sell it, and I'm going back... What?

This is hard to say.

What is?

Well, you act like this is totally my fault.

Can I borrow this cane for a second, please?

Oh, come on, Tess. You're not gonna hit me.



Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I take it they didn't kill you.


...but thanks for your help.

You need help. You are not my mother.

You're right.

I guess maybe I act like your mother sometimes because I never had one.

Easy, Gary, easy.

Okay, look, the main thing is we get away from Key West.

The second Finn lays eyes on this boat, he's gonna be onboard in 10 minutes.

What do you mean? You told him you're working here?

Are you kidding? Then I don't get it.

He needs money, Gary.

Another boat, new equipment, everything.

And I doubt he's gonna squeeze another dime out of that Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny? The rapper guy we had the fight about.

You mean Bigg Bunny Deenz? Yeah.

Bigg Bunny Deenz is Finn's investor? Yeah.

Hey, Gary? He is a very dangerous guy.

I did like that one song he had, "Call Me Thumper."

That was some funny shit.

Anyway... There's something wrong with my bisque.

I'm sorry, honey. Anyway...

But I don't get it, because has Finn ever even met Nigel?

No. But he will, don't you understand?

He is a genius at exactly three things:

Treasure salving, finding money for treasure salving, and one other thing.

What other thing? What other thing?

I don't wanna talk about it.

How do you plan to get another boat?

I can't think about this right now, Alfonz.

I just got divorced.

May I make a suggestion?


You see that big yacht lying offshore?

No, which one?

The owner is Nigel Honeycutt.

So what? I only mention it...

...because he is worth $ 700 million.

And just to let you know, I'm back onboard, obviously.

So whenever you want to weigh anchor is great.

Thank you.

So should I tell the captain?

Ready to weigh anchor? Ready to push off?

Actually, no.

My daughter, Gemma, is joining us today...

...and I said I would wait here for her.

Oh, great. God.

When is she coming? Where is she coming from?

How far away is she? How great.

I sent the chopper to Miami...

...but she could be anywhere.

That's so funny that you would wait in Key West for her...

...when she's coming by chopper.

Is it? Well, just because the helicopter...

...could just meet the boat anywhere.

I mean, anywhere at all, that's what's so incredibly great about helicopters.

She wants to do some shopping.

What do you do, Tess?

I'm the new steward.

But what do you really do?

What makes you think I do anything besides stewarding?

Stewing, stewarding, stewarding? Stewarding.

My infallible lifelong instinct for sizing people up.

Have you sized me up?

Not quite.

You don't mind the work, but you're not here for long.

You have a deep but not entirely unclouded love for the sea.

You perform your duties with superlative efficiency and ease...

...suggestive of someone expending approximately one-tenth...

...of her available brain power.


...what do you do with the remaining 90 percent...

...when you're not getting divorced?

I hope I'm not being too personal.

No, not at... Not at all.

It's just been a crazy couple of years.

It's probably his helicopter.

His daughter is supposed to be arriving today.

The whole town is buzzing with excitement.

Hey, so where you say this, uh, museum is at?

Number 2, Water Street.

Okay, uh, every street on this island is called Water Street.

This place has a magic atmosphere.

Will you just find the damn address, man?

Yo, Cordell, we got MapQuest on these things?

Hi, Daddy. Hello, darling.

Hello, my baby.


Pleasant flight? Uh-huh.

So, um, is this the whole boat?

Yes. Oh, so cute.

I can't believe we're at sea.

Well, uh, technically, we're at anchor.

Oh, wait, okay. So that just means that the anchor is in the water, right?

Yes. Yes.

Okay. Because I totally wanna learn all the sea terms.

And so you shall, my darling.

Okay, let me try again. Excuse me, Nigel.

Yes, my dear.

You know what, let's not do the accent thing.

It's no good?

It's fine.

Um... Anyway...

Nigel, remember when you asked me this afternoon what I really did?

Have fun shopping.

Thank you, Daddy.

Do try to keep it under 50 thousand.

What? Ha.

Supper's at 7.

I was supposed to meet some friends, but I'm gonna try to get out of it.

Invite them aboard if you like. Just let me know.

Okay, I will. Love you.

My hat.

Hey, look. The hat, he is a Frisbee.

Can you turn the boat around? Thank you.

Okay, but we never gonna catch him.



Oh, shit. Oh.

Oh, my God. You killed him.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

What in God's name happened?

Daddy, this man saved my life.

Sir, sir...

...I really don't think you should get up until I make sure...

Is this your hat?

Yes. Ha-ha.

That was the bravest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Sir, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you, indeed. He'll be okay.

Just a little bump on the head.

Just try not to move around too much for the next few hours.

But I gotta go back to town. Oh, I really don't advise it.


Now what am I gonna do?


May I suggest a hot shower, some clean clothes...

...and cocktails at 6:30?

Okay. Thanks.

Take him to the Saint Regis.

Whoa, whoa. Yep, yep, yep, I'm good. I'm good.

Hey, Mr. Honeycutt?

Miss Honeycutt, she leave him on the boat.

Gemma. Your lifeline to civilization, darling.


Oh, my God, I would have been so dead.

Here you are, darling.

Well, Mr. Deenz, I'm always delighted to welcome an entrant into my field...

...whether it be on land or sea.

But I feel I need to warn you.

There's no way of getting away from treasure...

...once it's fastened itself on your mind.

I want you to find me the Queen's Dowry.


Well, now, Bunny, uh... Bigg Bunny. It's one word.

Well, that's an emerald of a different color, isn't it?


This is a piece of the plate that we found in the Bahamas... of Topsail Cay. Now, if you turn it over... may notice that it has the Vangor family crest stamped on it.

That's what that is right there.

That's very nice, uh...

...but who the hell are the Vangors...

...and why the hell should I give a rat's ass about their family crest?

It's not an investment, per se, because you probably won't see a dime...

...but it's a chance to pull out a piece of living history...

...from the sand with your own two hands.

To the Aurelia.

Hey, babe.

What are you doing here?

Have a good dinner.

Bon appétit, everybody.


I take it you've met.

So Tess and I first hooked up when we worked for this cat named Moe Fitch.

He's kind of a local character, you know, big talker, lot of tall tales...

...a lovable, old sea dog.

You should live to be so eccentric. Ooh...

Thank you, babe.

I do wish you would sit down.

Moe Fitch is the most respected and successful treasure salvor in the world.

Nobody said he wasn't. When Finn met Moe...

...he was repairing outboards and lawn mowers...

...during the brief intervals he wasn't getting fired.

Two times, Tess. I got fired two times.

I'll be off in one second.

Moe picked him out of a puddle of motor oil and suntan lotion...

...gave him a job, a vocation, taught him everything he knows.


Anyway, then they had a tremendous falling-out over this cannon we found...

On our day off.

From the Aurelia, three miles east of Vero Beach.

Which the court ruled was Moe's, because we borrowed his equipment.

The sea is all attached, right?

To what, darling?

Kerry and Vivante grabbed a plane for the Yucatán...

...and I thought we could hook up with them...

...instead of just sailing around doing nothing.

Tell us about the treasure.

July 31 st, 1715.

A hurricane sinks the entire Spanish treasure fleet off the coast of Florida...

...including her flagship, the Capitana...

...which, according to its manifest, carried the Queen's Dowry.

Forty chests of jewelry and gold crowns...

...especially crafted in the Orient for the new queen of Spain.

When we say jewels, we mean...

...lndian diamonds, Burmese rubies and Colombian emeralds the size of your fist.

We should probably start with what Tess and I got excited about on our honeymoon.

Well, I think we can all guess.

After we lost the court case...

...we decided to go backpacking in Spain for two weeks.

Ended up spending two years in the Archives of the Indies in Seville.

You spent your honeymoon in a library?


I love you. Oh, baby, I love you too.

Where every known record, official transcript and royal decree...

...relating to the fleets has been kept for centuries.

At first it was for fun, but then we decided to look up the Aurelia...

...because of the cannon we'd found in Florida, and it became our pet project.

Especially when we learned the captain was an 18-year-old kid named Sebastian Vangor.

Who we also discovered was the illegitimate son...

...of Captain General Don Juan Ubilla of the Capitana...

...and his Mexican mistress, Francesca Vangor.

We thought it was an interesting sidebar and really didn't think much more of it...

...until Tess found this very obscure Spanish book published in 1905...

...titled, The Vangors: an 18th Century Family.

It was a collection of letters. So why is this important?

Because the Vangors controlled the mule train that transported the Dowry...

...over the mountains from the Pacific to the Caribbean...

...and then loaded it onto Spanish galleons here in Veracruz.

So I'm reading this, and all of a sudden I start hyperventilating...

...because there it is right in front of me in Ubilla's last letter to Francesca.

He wrote:

"My faith in the Aurelia is that she is swift and light...

...and can outrun the storms we will most certainly encounter.

But it is my faith in Sebastian that knows no bounds.

Our son is good and strong and wiser than this old fool...

...who leaves your bed more and more reluctantly.

The glory of the Spanish Crown rests in his capable hands."


...Ubilla pulled a switch.

Mm. With the Vangors' help.

And moved the Queen's Dowry from the Capitana to the supply ship.


The Capitana was already way overloaded... it was very heavy and very slow.

It wasn't just hurricanes they had to worry about.

British warships, French privateers, you name it.

About the time Finn and I were ready to leave, we found this article...

...about a Spanish sailor who was rescued off a deserted island...

...after being shipwrecked for three years.

Off Topsail Cay?

Right. 1718. Three years after the hurricane.

A Dutch frigate had come to grief on the shoals off of Topsail Cay...

...and while waiting for the tide to rise...

...they saw what they thought was an old man paddling out on a log.

Only he wasn't an old man. He was 21 years old.

Looked like Tom Hanks in that movie. What was that movie?


- Cast Away. Ha-ha.

Yes. Ha-ha.

He told the Dutch captain his name was Raphael Serrano...

...of the tobacco ship Francesca.

Ha. As in mother of Sebastian.

Yes. Exactly.

Now, he said...

...he had struck the same reef and sunk in just 30 feet of water.


You guys must really like treasure.

Yes. I mean, it's very impressive...

...but it's still thin.

- Oh, my God. Only Francesca...

...she didn't sink off Topsail Cay.

She sank off the coast of Veracruz in 1708...

...with all hands, including her captain, Raphael Serrano.

Wait, I don't get it. Neither did we.

Until we discovered the Francesca had been owned by the Vangor family.


So, what do we know about Sebastian Vangor?

Well, we know for a fact that he survived a hurricane, a shipwreck...

...starvation, pirates, most likely, and then he lied about it.

Now, why lie about being part of the greatest treasure fleet in history?

Unless you're sitting on top of a huge secret.

A secret that nobody, not even the king of Spain, knew existed.

Well, I can think of only one reason:


Because his father had entrusted him...

...with precious gifts mankind had never seen...

...he had to survive to fulfill the privilege...

...Ubilla had bestowed on him that fateful day in Veracruz.

That's why he lied.

That's why he lived.

And that's why we can't give up.

Sebastian Vangor is the unsung hero of an entire nation...

...and we intend to prove it.

So, what happened to him? Sebastian?

He was taken off the Dutch ship in Martinique...

...and died a week later of consumption. Oh...

He drank too much?

No. Um... Consumption, darling. As in tuberculosis.

Not to be confused with consuming, as in guzzling.

Oh, man. I'm so dumb.

Huh. You wanna hear dumb?

I used to think that it meant he died having sex, as in consummating.

You did? Yeah.

You did?


Really? Mm-hm.

Anyway, that's our idea.

It's Tess' mostly, she was always the brains of the operation.

Well, Gemma? What do you think?

You're asking me?

I am.

A treasure hunt in the Bahamas?

Or a month with Kerry and Vivante in the Yucatán?

Will you teach me how to dive?

Yes, I will.

Tess. Hey, Alfonz.

Long time. This is Mr. Nigel Honeycutt. Alfonz.

Welcome aboard.

This is Gemma Honeycutt. Alfonz.

Pleased to meet you.

Like that.

There you go. Thank you.

And... Whoa.

Okay. Okay.

Now, the island is basically triangular.

You got cliffs and breakers, harbor and town, and beach.

Now, I found the plate near the reef just on the other side.

But you haven't got the exact coordinates?

The exact position of the find is irrelevant.

Why? We, uh, kind of left a marker.

We set the boat on fire, and then we sank it.

But we would never do that to your boat. Nope, just my boat.

Our boat. My boat.

Our boat. My boat.

Hey, did you know that this entire island is owned by Bigg Bunny Deenz?

Who? He owns the whole island?

Bigg Bunny Deenz.

Oh, yes, I remember.

Didn't he murder someone named Fuzzy Dice...

...or Pogo Stick or something?

His name was Exta-C.

You're really close.

And he was totally acquitted.

Well, it was difficult to secure a conviction because he murdered all the witnesses.

You are really incredible, Finn.

Okay, so he owns the island. So what? He doesn't own the water.

And how's he gonna feel when we're hauling treasure up out of the water... front of his beach house?

Supportive? I told you not to get involved with him.

What if we need food or fuel or flashlight batteries?

Will you relax, Tess?

It's Aurelia.

She's right around the corner, and she's all ours.

Hey, guys. Come look at this boat.

It's got these really big, um, tubes going in the water off the back.

Is that where you found the plate?

Man, oh, man.

Anybody but me wanna spend a weekend in Paris with that boat?

I think she's already taken. What?

Oh, you son of a...


What's the matter? It's Moe.

What? What is it?

What's happened? I'm pretty sure hell just froze over.

Well, don't that just beat all.

The Aurelia's mine, goddamn it.

Not if I find her first.

Looks like he's only been here a day or two.

How can you tell? It's a full day's work to lay the grid.

But... So, what are they looking for?

Do you really not know the answer to that?




I will go comfort her. No, you stay there.

I'm sorry, but she's gotta learn...

...there's better ways to get attention than acting like a bimbo.

Like what?

Ahoy there. Good morning.

Morning to you. That's quite a bucket you got there.

Hello, Moe.

Hey, darling. Small world, huh?

Where's that good-for-nothing husband?

Ex-husband. Congratulations.

Find anything yet, Mr. Fitch?

Well, sir, we're just gonna set off some charges and take a look.

You might wanna ease back a ways just in case we accidentally scratch your finish.

I'll tell the captain.

Let's blow some holes.

Come on. I'm getting old, let's find some gold.

Oh, my God.

What? Delay, delay.

Uh, excuse me, Moe?

Well, well, well. If it isn't the Ukrainian sidekick.

I don't think of myself that way.

I am the lead character in my own story. Ha.

But why does everyone I know think I'm hot except the ones on this boat?

We think you're hot.

Are you kidding me? I know I do.

Gemma. I need your help. No time to explain.

What do you want? Some expert advice on how to be stupid?


Look. See how dumb they are?


They can't help it. You can. The end.

Let's go.

Okay. Okay, you're on.

Okay. All right, go, go, go.


Hi. I'm Gemma.


Hey. Hey, hey.

It's Gemma Honeycutt. Are you serious?

It's Gemma Honeycutt.

Hi. What are your names? Oh. I'm Happy.

I'm Jim. Hi.

Hi. Petruchio, eh.

So did you all grow up on this boat?

Oh! Oh, my God, there's Finn. Gemma.

Goddamn bastard. I'll get that little shit out of there myself.

What, are you crazy, Moe?

Who the hell set off that charge? There's a man down there.

What the hell? Right over here.

He ripped up the grid. Nobody rips the grid.

Anybody gonna kill that boy, it's gonna be me.



Hey, honey. Ha-ha-ha!

You go, girl. I'll be right over.


Bravo. Bravo.

Oh, shit.

Oh, hello, Moe.

Hello, Finn. Anything broke?

I don't think so. Good.

Finn! Finn! Oh!

Is that all you got, old man?

It's difficult to maintain enthusiasm for your leadership...

...when you keep getting beat up by that old man.

He's 56 years old.

I can't hit him.

That's quite obvious.

Was that a yellow and white Cessna 206 seaplane?

I would describe it more as banana and cream.

I still can't get over the way he just came up out of the water like that.

I know, and holding the sword.

And then he just makes this totally perfect toss...

...and the sword ends up sticking straight up in the deck.


But it's more than just the sheer power of his raw sexuality.

It's a totality of his emotional commitment to the task at hand.

Yeah, it's the focus. It's the focus.

He sees it. He wants it.

He goes after it. He gets it. He sure got me.

Do you mind?

I'm sorry. We're sorry.


Here's to a wonderfully exciting first day...

...and to the safe landing of our glorious leader.

Hear, says I. Hear, hear, Nigel. You the man.

No, he meant you, stupid.


No, Finn, honey, Finn. Oh.

There's port in the salon if anyone's interested...

...and a wonderful selection of cigars...

...if anyone feels like ruining the evening for the rest of us...

...and cupcakes.

Are there any prostitutes?

Sorry. No.

Well, maybe we can call some.

Oh. My God, are you serious?

Pay him no attention, Gemma, he's a provocateur.

Okay, but we're not in France right now, we're in America.

Think I'm gonna head to bed. That's it for me tonight.

A coincidence that we got up together, and we're both going to bed...

...because we're not going to bed together.

Obviously. No.

Well, it's really none of our business.

Or even interesting.

What she's trying to say... Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Nigel, great day. Gemma, sweet dreams.

Good night, sir. Good night, Tess.

I hope...

I hope, Gemma... hasn't been too dull for you here.

Of course not, Daddy. It's been really fun.


Do you still play gin rummy?

Oh, my God, all the time. Whenever I fly.

Oh. Penny a point?

Hey, it's Tess.

Don't get the wrong idea, I just, uh, wanna talk. Um...

I just thought, since I've been kind of critical recently...

...maybe I should tell you how magnificent you were today... know, taking out their grid and...

You couldn't hit Moe back.

Uh, it just reminded me of how...

Are you in here?




Hundred and five.

Twenty-eight thousand.

Dollars? Well, it's all going to charity, Daddy.

Well, darling, I'm very pleased you've inherited...

...not only your mother's beauty and naďve charm...

...but also her singular talent for getting huge sums of money out of me...

...with a modicum of effort.

What's wrong?

I don't want it.

I'm sorry. It was a joke.

I mean, be honest...

...she didn't exactly marry me for love, did she?

My mother...

...was a 24-year-old blackjack dealer from Nebraska.

You had to tip her $500 just to have a drink with you.

You got married two weeks later at the age of 175.

51 to be precise. Now you're mad...

...because she had the brains to get some money before you dumped her?

No, I'm mad about the amount.

Oh, well, okay, you can have mine. Because I'm cutting myself off.

I don't want anything from you anymore.

Except for food. And clothes.

And rent and, like, travel.

And I'm totally serious.

Yes, that's what is so frightening about it.


For what it's worth...

...I loved your mother, and I love you.

You believe in ghosts, Curtis?

You know what, you are some kind of stupid.

Now you sound like my wife.

Bunny around?

You know, I can't hear you, you talking to my deaf ear.

Oh, sorry.


Take me to see Bigg Bunny.

Bigg Bunny ain't never wanna find out you didn't drown the first time.



When's the last time you had this thing sharpened?


Okay, okay, okay, one second.

Now look, 20 people saw me today, everybody on Moe's boat.

Now if you guys take me to Bigg Bunny...'s gonna look a lot better than if he finds out I'm alive from someone else.

It ain't his decision no more. Now, who in the hell are you?


Ain't no fool like a gold fool.

Ain't that right, Mr. Finnegan?

Who's the new guy?

This here is Cyrus. He's my new, uh, chief of staff.

He's helping me to refocus, reform, and renew.

What do you need him for, huh? We handling it.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

God, jeez. What's the...?

Why'd you do that?

Just a little restructure.

See, you let this boy get past you not just once, but twice.

So I hope you focused now.

Oh, extremely focused. Very motivated.

My morale probably 20 percent higher than when I came in here.

Can I get a word in? What? What do you want?

I wanna buy some time.

You still breathing, ain't you?

Yeah, thank you.

Now, hear me out.

All right, the way I see it, you bet on Moe, you got a fifty-fifty chance...

...but you bet on the both of us, and we cover twice the ground in half the time...

...and I'm willing to give you 10 percent of everything I find.

Plus what I already owe you, of course.

How much you say?

Ten percent, across-the-board.

Ten percent, huh?


Say it again. Come on, what...?

You know, 12 percent's cool.

You know, I couldn't even hear you. What you say?

Fifteen percent, but I gotta find... I'm sorry, how much?

Eighteen, but I owe other people. That don't sound right.

Twenty percent, but that's it, final. Oh.

Damn it. What? How much do you want?

I'll tell you what.

You find the treasure and I won't kill you.

How much do you owe him? Whoa.

Jesus, Tess.

How much do you owe him?

Owe who? Owe who what?

Bigg Bunny.

I don't owe him any money.

Finn, how much do you owe him?

Just tell me so I'll know.

Oh, God, Tess. I mean, that's so hard to be specific about.

It's a really complex payment schedule... How much?

Sixty-two thousand, five hundred and eighty-one dollars and forty-three cents.

But we're good now.

Is there a reason you didn't tell me this before?


You wouldn't have come.

Yeah, I would.

Just wouldn't have come with you.

Are we finished?

We sure are.

You good? Yeah.


What happened to your face?

Somebody hit me with a cricket bat.


This is a new type of regulator... Shove it up your ass.

All right, we're good to go. Ready, darling?

Drop dead.

This is just like the old days, huh?

Hello, darling.


I have one.

You know what else is really bugging me?


Please, tell us. Because I may personally drop dead from disappointment...

...if I don't find out the 700-millionth thing about life on planet Earth...

...that is bugging you.

Well, this is fun.

No, listen.

If I am the Dutch frigate stuck on a reef in a dead calm... the same cove the Aurelia sank three years earlier... less than 30 feet of the clearest water in the world...

Then how come I can't see her?

Because she isn't there.

Yeah, I don't know.

No, no, no. Sebastian specifically said that's where she sank.

And he said it. Yeah.

My dear children, your entire theory is predicated on the proposition...

...that Sebastian lied about everything he could to prevent the ship being found.

So why on Earth would he tell the truth about where she sank?

I mean, it seems to me that the Aurelia can't be in the cove...

...for the simple reason that that's where Sebastian said she was.

Sorry to disturb.

We've had to move to the lee side on account of the storm.

She won't fit in the marina?

Afraid not. A taxi will take you to the beach on the north end.

Call, we'll pick you up on the launch. Better safe than sorry.


I've grown rather fond of not sinking.

Ugh. Don't even say that.

Oh, it would be a shame to lose the art collection.

Or Gemma's shoes.

Especially because we're so close to shore, you know?

Oh, my God.


Oh, my God, of course.

Of course what?

You are a genius.


Stefan. Yes.

Why did you pick the north beach?

I didn't. It's the only beach on the island not blocked by the reef.

Yes. Yes. He ran her aground.

What are you so happy about?

He ran her aground. What?

To save the Dowry. Sebastian ran the whole goddamn thing aground.

Bet you $ 1000 I find something between here and that beach.

You don't have $ 1000.

Fine, make it 10.

You don't have $ 10.

Fine, make it a million.

What are you doing?

You think I'm letting you go out there alone, you're crazy.

What, you don't trust me?

Why on Earth would I trust you?


I found a cannon. I found a cannon.

You did what? You mean there's two?

There's two cannons. Aah!

And I owe you a million dollars. Aah! Yes, you do. Oh!


We got the Aurelia, baby!

Listen to me, if anybody finds out about this outside of our crew, we are screwed.

Wow. Can't you just enjoy this for a second?

Oh, I'm enjoying it.

Oh, God. Thank God.


Well, there's not much here.

Now, they probably burned the ship and took everything inland.

Look, a pistol. Cool.

All right, well, what do we know about Topsail Cay?

We got the town, the church...

There's Preacher's Cave.

We were up there once. It said something about first settlers...

...religious freedom...

God, I think that is just so important.

Yeah, but that was like...

Oh. Like 1780-something.

I mean, Sebastian beat them here by almost 70 years.

If there are any records, they're in the church.

Letters, journals, sermons. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's smart, Tess.

It's the oldest building on the island.

Yeah. Hmm.

When Moe finds out we're gone...

...he's gonna come barreling up your ass like a freight train.

Oh, my, that ought to be interesting.

Well, I'm just saying we don't have much time.

Oh, my God.

Stop the boat!

I just figured it out. It's been right in front of us this whole time.


Precious Gem.


Well, do you realize how incredibly similar the word "gem" is to "Gemma"?

Uh... I thought I did.

My God.

Daddy, you named the boat after me and didn't even know it.

I didn't?

Don't you see?

You were running away to sea, only you wanted to bring me along.

So you unconsciously named the boat after me.

That is so beautiful.

Of course I named it for you, Gemma.

But it wasn't unconscious. I gave it a lot of thought.

No. You did it unconsciously.

And then I did it unconsciously.

Good afternoon.

Afternoon. May I help you?

I hope so. I'm Finnegan. Nice to meet you.

Tess. Tess.

Don't even think about it.

What? Don't "what" me. You know what.

It's weird, right?

What? This.

Us, together.

It's complex, but not in a good way.

Well, can I just say I really wish we were still married?


Oh, my God, listen to this.

Listen. "That we are by no means...

...the first Europeans to visit here... finally proven by the discovery of a Spanish gravestone...

...that of a woman.

I cannot but wonder who she was...

...and how she came to die here, for the headstone reads simply...

...'Aurelia, 1715."'

Holy shit.

"Forsake her I could not.

And so it was here, on this beautiful hilltop...

...that I resolved to bury our own dead...

...and begin work building a church."

He marked it with a headstone.

And this guy built a church around it.

It's in the cemetery. It's in the cemetery.

Finn. Mm-hm.


No, come on. Here we go.

Oh, shit, I got you.



It's not here.

I refuse to believe that.

Well, just because you refuse to believe something doesn't make it true.

Or false.

Or whatever the hell I'm saying.

Something wrong, Tess?

Something wrong? Why would anything be wrong?

We just had sex in a church and we're not even married...

...and now we're gonna dig up a grave.

What is that, like a triple sin?

I can't believe we haven't been struck by lightning. Oh!

Ow. Oh, shit, you okay?

Stupid rock. That's the second time I've done that.

Okay, we can't have that.

Come here, you rock. Stupid rock.

Wait, stop.

Oh... Honey, it's heavy.

So is this.

Finn? Finn?


What? What if it's a body?

Well, then he was a midget with very cheap relatives.

What if it's a head? Do you mind?

Oh, my God.

It's his.

"To my everlasting relief...

...and after a year's toil in this lonely place...

...have I finally stumbled upon a suitable place...

...for my cargo...

...fortified by nature against the encroachments...

...accidental or deliberate...

...even of those who would force our tongues to betray its trust.

The low December tide showed us the only way in and the only way out.

But from January to November...

...the beached whale's spout is both ingress or egress.

Thus is the vault rendered, made virtually impenetrable."

The beached whale's spout? Are you sure?


It's a blowhole.

It's the one at Clifton Point.

The low December tide drops so low... The winter solstice.

The lowest tide of the year exposes the mouth of the blowhole...

...which is normally under 15 to 20 feet of water.

Two days out of the year it's a cave.

They float the chests in, the tide returns...

...then the place becomes a deathtrap.

Did we just find our treasure?

Sound like it.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Finnegan.

Hey, Bunny.

What the hell are you doing here?

Give me the book. Come on, Bunny.

I mean, are you sure you don't wanna, you know, give it to the new guy?

What you think you're gonna do with that, huh?

Hey, you better put the damn shovel...

Hey, hey, hey, look, you know, I don't want no trouble.

Get me out the hole!

Get him, baby, get him.


Where you...? What you...? Grab him.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, go, go, go.

Hey. Hey...

Get after them, damn it.

Hang on.

Cyrus, my bike. Hey, you.

Are you shot?

What? Shot? You?

No. Are you shot? No, not yet.

We got the book, Cyrus.


I got you, Tess!

Duck! What? Ugh!

Finn! Uh-oh.

Finn. No.

No. Finn. Oh, my...


Let's go.

You sure he's dead? I've been disappointed a lot of times before.

I should've aimed at your head, you little son of a bitch.

I'm gonna tell you what.

I'm gonna have my boys submit your theory to a little academic review...

...while I go sit my balls on some ice.

After this wave, you've got about 50 seconds.

Would you just get in the hole?

Whoa! Whoo!

I can't.


Excuse me, Curtis.

Get in the hole.

Damn, Cyrus. Why you always in my business, huh?

I'm handling this shit.

You know what? You run it.

You run it.

It's not here.

Check underwater.

There's nothing but rock.

I'm supposed to believe you, am I?

You want a second opinion, come on down. Get me out of here.


Pull her up, man.


Say hi to your husband.

What? No.

What the hell are you doing, man?

Oh, God.

Throw me the rope.


Now that's what I'm talking about.

Talk to me.

It's here. Bring the tanks.

We're gonna have to go in through the ocean.

And the girl?


She won't need one.

This better be good.

Moe, it's Finn. It's bad, it's real bad.

- They got Tess. What?

The treasure's in the blowhole at Clifton Point.

They took her hostage.

That is one big-ass, sensible-sized emerald.

Sure, go have fun. Go get yourselves killed.

Go pump some lead in your fellow man. Go ahead.

What a sissy.

He is more man than you'll ever be, honey.

Hey. You ladies wanna move out?

They could have killed a whole graduation class by now.


I'm scared. She's going to be all right.

I promise. I'm worried about you.

Oh, bless you for that.

I'll see you at breakfast.

Hey! Hey!


How many times am I gonna have to kill this boy?


Oh, shit.

Somebody help.





Whoo. There's a whole lot more where this came from.

Where's Cyrus? He said he'd be right up.



Find out who that was.

Huh? You heard me.

Oh, my God.


Cover me.

Where you going?

Where's he going? Wait. Where are you going?

Shit, man.


You son of a bitch.


Here, cock it. Cock it.

I can't make it cock.

No, no, no.

Give that to me.

You okay, Moe? Yeah, great.

Get in the plane. Get... No. Aah!

No. Get your hands off her.

Get in the plane.

Sit back.

Get your hands... Sit back now. Sit back now.


Gemma. No.

Get me on that plane. Hang on.

Go. Go. Go.

You happy now, you big butch bastard?

Just go help Moe. Go help him.

I want you to pull me right up next to the port side.

What's a port side?

Uh... The left side.

Oh, okay. Right next to her.

Go, go, go, stay with it. Okay.

My God, what are you doing? Pull right up next to the pontoon.


Now that's a man who loves his wife.

That's it.

That's it.


Tess! Finn!



Damn, baby, since when do you know how to fly?

Don't. Can't.

Well, you're doing a great job. I mean, we're still in the air, right?


Oh, shit.

I think he hit the engine.

Okay. Um...

Wings, flaps, air speed, altitude...

...pedals for the rudder. Check. Okay.

How do you know what to do? You know...

...PlayStation. Ha-ha!

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Hang on, hang on.

Here we go. Aah!

Whoo! Finn!

Wow. Whoa. Hey, you're doing it.

Way to go. That's great, oh, wow. We're flying.


How do we land?


How'd you do it in the game?

I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!

Now, honey, this next part...

...l'm not exactly sure how to pull off.

I do know that we've got to completely stall out just before we hit the water.

Stall? Stop flying.

Stop flying? Yeah, and land.

On the nice soft... water.

Are we gonna die? No.

No, we're not.

Oh, shit, where's Finn?

Probably he's flying the plane.

You mean there's hope?

Not necessarily.

Hey, let me just say this. No.

Well, why not? Because.

Tell me after we crash.

That'll give me something to look forward to.


One hundred.

We got it, baby. Eighty.



Pull her up, boy.

Baby, baby...

I love you. I love you.

Pull her up.

Oh, shit.


I'm sorry.

I love you. I've learned a lot from my mistakes.

Marry me.

No... haven't.

And, yes...

...I will.