For Love or Money (1993) Script

(LET ME TAKE OVER PLAYING)


(HORNS HONKING)

Buy 12 at market, unload four at 90, dump the rest on Friday.

Now don't burn me, Albert. I'm on the line here.

Ten is break-even. I say 12.

Right. Nothing's impossible, Albert.

Impossible just takes a couple extra phone calls.

We're standing still here, Eliot. -Yes, Mr. Ireland.

I don't like to stand still.

Anne, let me tell you what I need, flawless clarity, F-color or better.

Fifteen, 20 carats.

Just what you'd want if I were buying it for you.

Well, I'm rather fussy.

DOUG: Cute.

A little young. Will you show me their parents?

Nice.


Morning, Mr. Ireland. -Morning, Charlie.

MAN: Hello, Mr. Ireland. -Hey.

Good morning, Mr. Ireland. -Good morning, Nora.

Good morning. -Morning.

Nice to see you, Mr. Ireland.

I won't need that giraffe for about a half an hour.

Take it out for a walk. -Very good, sir.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Gloria, they're for you. I hope you like them. -(GASPS)

Oh.

They're beautiful.

Thank you so much. -You like them, babe?

You're a doll. You're a great big Iovable doll.

GENE: Yeah? Yeah.

Mr. Salvatore has exquisite taste. -GENE: Huh?

Oh, oh. Thank you, uh, Dougie. Here you go.

Listen, it rained all weekend, so make sure you give them a good workout.

(STAMMERS) I'll take care of it myself, sir. I have a way with animals.

Dougie, are you the guy to talk to about them things?

Them things, Mr. Salvatore?

Yeah, you know. Them things on the pillow. -Uh,haH?

GLORIA: Genie, get some more of them things!

Yeah, all right!

You know, them things on the pillow.

Initials.

Them things at night!

On the pillow!

Mints! Pillow mints! -Yeah! Yeah!

Them things. We like them. -Yes, of course. Why didn't I think?

Stupid. Yes. How many would you like?

How many? A lot. -GLORIA: A lot!

A lot, it shall be.

You're a beautiful kid. -Enjoy your stay at the Bradbury.

You're a doll. -You're a doll.

No, you're a doll.

Easy, easy. Yo, yip. Come. -(BARKING)

Make sure they make! -Right. Make.

(DOUG GRUNTS)

So, you guys planning on seeing any shows while you're in town?

-(WHINING) -(BARKING)

AII right. Okay.

This is Steak Diane. You guys don't eat this, I will.

You eat all that up, you can have some of them things when you're done.

Come on, man. I'm open, I'm open. -Pass! There it is!

Jump! Score! Yes, yes!

Whoo!

Carmen, Carmen. Ambulate the canines. -What?

Take the dogs for a walk. -Oh, of course, Mr. Ireland.

(SIGHS)

Ten dollars, Mr. Ireland?

Funny, I, uh, thought this was the Bradbury, but it must be Fat Harry's Motor Lodge.

Carmen, one day, you're gonna be a great concierge.

In the meantime, go get the biggest plastic bag you can find.

And don't make fun of her hair. -(WHINES)

Those things aren't candy, Douglas.

I'm not gonna eat them all, ma'am.

Can I get change for that? I'm in kind of a hurry.

Now let's see.

58 cents out of $100.

It's $99.42.

A whiz kid. Let's just be sure.

Could you just... -Uh, $99.42.

Does that look right to you?

You know, anywhere in that ballpark is gonna be fine.

I'm not fussy.

$19.42.

$99.42.

(CHUCKLES)

You know why I said $19.42?

(LAUGHS) You were trying to cheat me out of 80 bucks.

(LAUGHS) Iwas married in 1942.

You know, I read that in the Iibrary.

-(LAUGHING) -(REGISTER RINGS)

I was a war bride.

Those were horrible, frightening days. -The war.

No, living with Mr. Vigusian.

-(COINS CLATTERING) -(EXCLAIMS)

Just a minute. -(GROANS)

Yes, if he hadn't fallen off the Staten Island ferry, Irving and I would now be married 50 years.

I said, "Irving, get away from the rail!"

Dougie?

Airport? Take the 59th Street Bridge definitely.

Look, Ahmed, I'm rather skeptical.

It's just that the last belly dancer you sent me wasn't quite as slender as I would have hoped.

No, the word "belly" could have applied to any part of her anatomy.

It's not possible.

DOUG: Ahmed. Ahmed, you're shrieking.

(MUMBLING)

I have an open mind, Ahmed. It's just that a dancer should have legs.

Doug! Doug!

(WHISPERING) Do something!

Okay, Ahmed, I'II tell you what. Bottom line here.

You don't start treating me right, I'm taking my business to Gemal.

Yeah, I'm aware of the blood feud, Ahmed. I don't care.

Assalam-alaikum.

Milton.

Milton, the Ringos have been in their room for an hour.

We want it done right.

I keep telling you, two trips if you have to.

These people do not have the time to wait for you to build the pyramids.

Milton Glickman has never made two trips in his life and never will.

The Duchess of Windsor, 1948, 41 pieces, one trip.

John Barrymore, 1941, 38 pieces including Mr. Barrymore...

BOTH: Drunk as a lord, one trip.

The Who, 1975...

Just get the bags to the room before they check out.

167 pieces. One trip.

I spoke to the union. You were wrong.

I am allowed to fire that senile old idiot.

Really? I didn't...

Did you speak to Miss Tantorelli at the Brooklyn office because...

I want him out.

Look, Mr. Himmelman, you can't fire Milton. He's been here forever.

A hotel is more than just facilities and amenities. It's...

Are you trying to tell me how to run a hotel?

No, sir. No, nein. Iwould never do that.

I'm just saying that the Bradbury's like a family.

It's a place where you have an eccentric old bellhop or a hotel manager that charges thousands of dollars in personal long-distance phone calls to the hotel.

Doesn't mean we want that family member fired or in jail.

Because that would be upsetting to the family.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yes, you might be right, Doug.

Happens.

Hey, Vincent, what's happening in your sordid little world today?

Divorce court.

WOMAN: ...to the most fabulous city in the world and your idea of a second honeymoon is sitting in a dark room, drinking a Diet Pepsi and eating a tuna fish sandwich.

MAN: I'm just about ready to go, honey.

Where? Back to the room to watch Wheel of Fortune?

I came here to fall in love again.

AIl you want to do is fall asleep.

It was a very good sandwich. Thank you.

He's doomed, Dougie. The rube's marriage is doomed.

YeP-

Them hicks have difficulties, when to plant things, which shirt to put on the scarecrow, pressure builds up.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it.

"We?" Dougie, I'm just a bartender. You're the concierge.

Hey, he seemed like a nice guy.

Yeah, well, that nice guy left you a half a buck tip.

You save his marriage.

VINCENT: Dougie! You kept me and the missus out of divorce court!

DOUG: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MAN: $16 for tuna fish?

WOMAN: Harry, will you stop talking about tuna fish?

MAN: Not when it costs more than my shoes. -There you are, sir.

I have those tickets for you. -Tickets?

The tickets you called about.

Now I could only get fourth-row orchestra. I'm sorry.

Miss Saigon is very tough to get at the last second.

Also I made reservations for a late dinner at the Rainbow Room.

My friend Gigi, the maitre d', is expecting you.

And as per instructions, the hotel limo will pick you up at the theater.

Why, Sparky, you really had me going.

Oh, my God. I can't go to the Rainbow Room with my hair like this.

Ask for Kenneth. He does Ivana.

Thank you.

Well, you came through like a pro.

How'd you know?

I'm the concierge. I know everything.

You do yourjob very well.

She hasn't called me "Sparky" in a real long time.

Look, I don't know exactly how to do this, but...

Uh, look, don't confuse yourself with all these little denominations.

You wait until I'm the best friend you ever had.

Then you give me a tip so big, it feels like passing a kidney stone.

OW. That bad, huh?

If I'm worth it.

-(PHONE RINGING) -Excuse me, Sparky.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Concierge.

Dougie, it's Jeanette Vigusian.

Yes, Mrs. Vigusian?

From the newsstand?

Yes, I know, Mrs. Vigusian.

Have you got a minute?

Uh, no, I don't.

You don't have a minute?

Yes, Mrs. Vigusian. I have a minute.

I thought so. Everybody has a minute.

Uh, Mrs. Vigusian...

What about settling down, Dougie?

Marriage, children...

Okay, l will. Thanks, Mrs. Vigusian.

Over there by the fem.

Settle down over there by the fern.

With her, over there by the fern.

Oh, good idea, Mrs. Vigusian. I'll marry her.

- Good. Thanks.

(EXHALES)

Some sweet? No?

Check this out.

That's the new Julian Russell girl.

Hottest designer, hottest model.

Not many guys have their fantasies come true, Doug, but today I get mine.

Great. Look, you know how risky this is, right?

I could get fired.

I really owe you.

And I'm really gonna collect.

You speak to your boss yet?

Sure, sure. He says he wants to meet with you.

You showed him the proposal? He was interested?

Hey, the guy gets 50 proposals a week.

He's not gonna write a blank check just because some bellhop thinks he has an idea.

I'm not a bellhop, okay. I'm a concierge.

Relax. Four years ago, Hanover found Julian Russell and he...

Schlepping suits in the Garment District for 75 bucks.

Now Julian Russell is the fourth small business Hanover's turned to gold since 1985.

Hey, good boy. You did your homework.

Yeah, well, I...

Now you be a good boy.

I need that room back by 2:00.

No problem.

(DOUG CLEARS THROAT)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Hey, Doug, look, uh, Iforgot something.

I was supposed to pick up some package at Barney's for Mr. Hanover.

It's a present for his wife. -Jesus Christ.

Come on, Doug. This could be your last day as a bellhop.

Concierge.

(SNIFFS)

I can't tell a thing. It's all confused with the other scents.

Perhaps on your wrist.

Perhaps not. Lend me an ear.

What?

(SNIFFING)

Too woodsy.

Would you like a second opinion?

Could you?

Sure. Miss?

(SNIFFING DEEPLY)

-(LAUGHING) -(SNORTING)

You're absolutely right.

You might as well glue a little pinecone back there.

Oh, woodsy, I'm not.

No, no. Top of my head, I would say that you were, uh...

Ah, miss, a bottle of Joy de Jean Patou, please.

My girlfriend wears this. Now she's about your age.

Well, actually, she's not your age. She'Il be 38 in June and you're probably, what, 34?

Anyway, Joy is what she wears, and I got to tell you.

That heady musk... -(INHALES DEEPLY)

...spicy experience, tempered by a sweet innocence has this boy rooting and foraging morning, noon and night.

(INHALES AND SIGHS HEAVILY)

You be careful.

She'II help you with that.

(GIGGLES) You are some piece of work.

Hey, I got her out of your face, didn't I?

"Rooting and foraging"?

Tell people what they want to hear, you can sell 'em anything.

What a lovely thought.

Now here's a lovely thought, you, me, Friday night.

Miss Saigon, fourth row, on the aisle. -Doug, don't start.

Cowboy Junkies at the Ritz.

I'm not going through this again. -Monster trucks at the Garden.

Sesame Street on Ice.

I've got a boyfriend.

You know, you've used that excuse a number of times.

Well, it's handy, and it's true.

I hope this guy treats you okay.

VVhy?

Does he?

On and off.

Lately?

We spent last weekend in Saint Barts.

You don't look very tanned. You get rained out?

"No, Doug, we just never made it out of the room."

AII right, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna come back when I'm older, richer and married.

That way, you won't be able to resist me.

Never said he was married.

Listen, I've got to go.

He's married.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Gary, you were supposed to be out of there an hour ago.

I got newlyweds coming in at 5:00.

Doug, I did it.

Spare me the details.

No, I made the call. The big man will be here tomorrow.

Yes!

And I trust everything was satisfactory, miss?

Thanks.

(CLEARS TH ROAT)


Hey, Freddy, why don't you take the old girl home and give her a rest, huh?

Old girl? This is, uh...

Gypsy Jill. Ran at Belmont.

Won at Belmont.

What were you smoking that year, Freddy?

Let me see. '66, uh...

Great.

(SIGHS)

Goodbye. Thanks for coming.


DOUG: I've fallen and I can't get up.

1204, fresh peaches peeled and a Manchester Guardian every morning.

820, Mr. Mohammed needs a translator...

-(PHONE RINGING) -...to go with him to Jackie Mason.

Concierge. Christ! -BIRD: Jesus Christ, son of the Lord.

No, just Doug. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, uh, I'll tell you what. Let me put you through to our restaurant expert. Thanks.

Okay, need six at 8:30. -(BIRD CHATTERING)

Sell him on II Monastero. Call II Monastero. Ask for Mort.

Tell Mort I owe him one.

Milton, you're supposed to be in 302 getting their Iuggage.

These people have a plane.

And I have an ashtray.

Mr. Bradbury was very specific about the sand.

Milton, Mr. Bradbury has been dead since 1968, these people have a 2:30 flight.

There you go, Mr. B. Have a nice day.

You know, they cremated him, and when I did this to his ashes Pe°Dle wept.

I'm sure that's not all they did. Milton, 302.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) Or on a crowded avenue You are here So aml Maybe millions of people go by But they all disappear From view And l only have eyes For you

Hmm. Hmm.

That was great.

Really? What did you think?

(STAMMERS) Uh, well, I thought that that really sucked.

-(LAUGHS) -GARY: That's not true.

You have a nice touch, sir. Really.

Shut up, Gary. (CHUCKLES)

Christian Hanover.

Douglas Ireland, sir. I really appreciate you meeting me, Mr. Hanover.

Oh, Christian, please. You know, it's great to be back at the Bradbury.

I proposed to my wife in this very bar.

I think she only said yes to get me to stop playing that song.

(LAUGHS)

That's very funny.

Gary, don't you have to go and see Julian at the agency?

GARY: That's, uh, next week.

Well, leave now.

Yes, sir. Uh, Doug, take good care of my boss.

So, uh, Christian, can I get you a coffee, something to drink?

My room. Gary did mention it.

Uh, yes, absolutely. Please follow me.

I'll tell you what you're thinking.

"Why does a guy who makes that much money need me to comp him a room?"

No, sir. I mean, uh, that's none of my business.

I'm making it your business.

Two reasons. I value discretion, Doug.

I didn't get where I am by letting everybody know my every move.

Two, I wanted you to be in the position of doing me a favor, 'cause I've done one for you by coming here today.

It's a small thing, but it's important between men.

We stand equal going in.

Shoot, Doug. Bang-bang.

What price can you put on a dream?

(CHUCKLES) I hope it gets better than this.

Well?

Uh, what price can you put on a dream?

A hotel is more than just a place where you eat and you sleep, it's a place where dreams come true.

I'll just skip ahead to the next section.

Okay, here it is without the poetry.

A hotel like none that has ever existed, and it's already built, in here.

I know what the marble in the bathrooms looks like.

Now, two years ago, I got a tip on an incredible property on Roosevelt Island.

Middle of the East River, best views of Manhattan.

I got a two-year option for $40,000.

Now that's every tip I've made in the last five years.

I got one month to get this thing rolling or it's going back to the city, and I'm screwed.

Oh, how much to get it from here to Roosevelt Island?

Three million dollars to start.

Now before you say no, sir, I sketched out some start-up figures and it's foolproof. Just read this.

Nothing is foolproof.

-(THROWS PAPER ON THE TABLE) -Zoning approval?

Contingent upon a small public park in the southeast corner.

Budget will reflect current building code requirements.

Handicap ramps, bathrooms. The works.

The city signed off on G-111 minimums?

Pending.

What's a G-111 minimum, Doug?

Well, that's the minimum G-1... Uh...

It's made up, Doug.

That's the G-111 "no bullshit clause," sir. -Exactly.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Oh, that's probably the day maid. I'll get it.

Actually, I'm expecting someone.

She's not my wife, partner. Enough said?

More than enough.

We'll be an hour or so.

I'll take the prospectus when I go.

Thank you, sir. And may I once again...

Open the door.

Doug.HL CHRISTIAN: Honey, meet Doug.

Hi, honey.

CHRISTIAN: You look sensational.

Send up a liter of mineral water.

You got it, partner.

Doug, uh, could I get some advice?

Don't want what you can't have.

(STAMMERS) I mean, I just want to buy some clothes.

Yeah, sorry, Mr. Wegman. Um, absolutely. What do you have in mind?

I don't know. I thought maybe a sports jacket, some colorful shirts, Mrs. Wegman thinks I...

(SIGHS) Women. Who knows what they want?

Oh, I know what they want.

Money. That's what they want. -(SCRIBBLING)

Here, try this.

Xena on fifth. Ask for Rick.

Tell him I sent you.

Great. Thanks.

Doug? You okay?

Top of the world.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Thank you, Doug. -Uh...

Not a problem, Mr. Hanover.

Christian. Please.

You'll see that she...

The hotel limo will take her wherever she needs to go.

Very good.

(STAMMERS) You will...

I'II, uh... I'II look it over today.

Thank you.

Thank you.

She's a lovely girl, isn't she?

What girl?

Very good, Doug. So long, my friend.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

DOUG: Miss Hart, I have a car waiting for you.

I need the room. My supervisor wants to know why I'm behind.

You want me to tell her?

Marie, Marie, Marie, what do you need? Basketball you hate.

Man of La Mancha you saw, and the woman fainted.

Mets-Dodgers box seats.

Oh, get a life.

I'll just tell my supervisor.

Mets-Dodgers box seats. What do you know?

Had them all the time. Amazing.

You'll enjoy that. It's blackmailer appreciation night.

Oh, Jesus. It's okay. He left 10 minutes ago.

I'm looking for my Iipstick.

Yeah, well, buy a new one.

Ball's over, Cinderella. I need the room.

This isn't what it looks like.

It never is.

What's that supposed to mean?

Just forget about it, okay? Get your stuff together, come on.

No, I won't forget about it. What did you mean?

What? That it's not what it looks like?

Let me guess why. He loves you. You love him.

His wife doesn't understand him.

The marriage is over except for some paperwork.

The gifts, the trips, the crisp Chardonnay with lunch, they're not what compel you.

Oh, no. It's the little boy inside of him that no one else sees. How am I doing?

Boy, are you mean.

But am I wrong?

Yes. We don't drink wine with lunch.

Well, there you go.

-(ALARM RINGING) -Who the hell are you to judge me?

Excuse me?

I know what you're thinking. -(SHUTS OFF ALARM)

I'm not thinking anything.

Christian's marriage has been dead a long time.

So, sir, have enjoyed your stay at the Bradbury?

Fine, fine.

He's been going through a difficult divorce, and I'm just trying to stay out of the way until the whole mess is over.

Have you tried the breakfast buffet? We're quite proud of that.

Oh, excellent.

I didn't even know he was married when we met, you jerk.

I mean, I don't run around with married men so just get off my case.

Country sausage is a real treat. -(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

You know the definition of "concierge"? It's French for "asshole."

Eddie, what are you doing? l thought l heard a bug/e call.

Well, l, um...

WOMAN: Now you just sit there and practice your dirges.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Someday you may want to enter your father's business and start a par/or of your own.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)

Hey, Leon. How you doing? Come on in.

Douglas.

The Munsters, huh? Uh, which one is this?

Uh, this is the one where Lily gets pissed at Herman

'cause he's fooling around with the ski instructors.

LEON: A classic.

AIl right, thanks very much, and I'll see you later.

Hey, you want to stay and have a beer?

'Cause Grandpa's gonna turn Eddie into a housefly.

Well, my girl's waiting out on the moped. -Oh, you should go.

Thanks, Leon.

MAN: (ON TW ...Paderewski's hangnail, an E minor chord from the organ at Westminster Abbey, a doorknob off the Grand Canyon suite and three... Three, mind you, sequins from Liberace 's jacket.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)

(SNIFFING)

(BUGLE SOUNDING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) l just got to stop reading the Racing Form while l 'm mixing these magic pil/s.

(LAUGHING)

DOUG: Damn.

DOUG: AII right, everybody, let's deal before these shows close, huh?

Two Tommy Tunes looking for six Mets, that'II be 28.

Four Mets looking for two Cats. Fourtimes 12.

Plus a Saigon. You owe me 18 bucks. Thanks very much.

Hold on to your watches. He's a real operator.

What can I say, some guys see the big picture, some guys don't.

Okay, Saigon wants Les Mis, looking for Yankee day games, looking for Ice Capades. Come to papa.

You still building your hotel, Douglas? Boardwalk or Park Place?

Boardwalk. I need Pavarotti. Anybody got Pavarotti?

Yeah, I got Pavarotti. -G reat.

Uh-huh, so all you need is $3 million.

Just a couple hundred years' tips.

Got it. -MAN: You got it?

Got a guy who's got it.

What about my night games?

We're getting to night games. Okay, Charlotte, Dougie needs six Grand Hotels for Saturday.

Charlotte needs two Cats and a Phantom.

Six times 50 is three, minus two times 60.

Minus 40, plus Secret Garden and Charlotte's a happy camper.

Okay, Ruben needs night games.

Ruben's got night games. How the hell did this Donahue get in here?

AII right, everybody happy?

Okay, pleasure doing business with you. Thanks very much.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Thank you. -Merci.

Ed Drinkwater, Internal Revenue Service.

Oh, members of the Service are not allowed to accept gifts, donations, premiums or favors, Article 35, section B.

I can, however, make a note of your unsuccessful attempt at bribery.

Why don't you make a note that it was a joke?

It was a joke.

Now, I've dropped by, Mr. Ireland, because we're reviewing selected cases of gratuity-intensive occupations.

It seems that some people don't report their full incomes.

Really? In this country?

I know about you people.

I know about the 50-dollar handshakes.

I was gonna report this.

No doubt. You interest me, Mr. Ireland.

And is it my eyes, Ed?

You can laugh all you like, Mr. Ireland. Laugh away.

I can assure you, your government is not Iaughing.

We're not a bunch of simpering apes here for your amusement.

I'm not Iaughing and I'm not going away.

Now how does a man with your salary take a $40,000 option on real estate?

That's very easy to explain.

Well, there will be a time for explanations.

Now, here is a notification of your field audit.

I'll be back on the 15th at 4:00 p.m. Have your documentation ready.

I count the hours till we meet again.

I got Leona. I'll get you.


Yeah, no cheese.

I'm telling you, they're cheese intolerant, all right? Bye.

You's got a certain party registered here under the name of a real dickhead, uh, name of Gene Salvatore?

He registered here? -He here?

Uh... Dickhead, dickhead.

Um...

Is, uh, there someone I should say is calling?

Yeah, we got a surprise for him. You could tell him Joey Pickles says hello.

-(CHUCKLES) -Tell him that.

No, you can't tell him that. It'll ruin the surprise.

Yeah, you can't tell him that.

What are you, some kind of blabby rat bastard?

-"Gene Salvatore.19-50." -(GULPS)

Shit!

-(PHONE RINGING) -(SHOWER RUNNING)

(GENE AND GLORIA SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

Come on, Gene. Gene! -(LINE RINGING)

GENE AND GLORIA: (SINGING) Through every move you make Another chance you take

(LINE CONTINUES RINGING)

(SNORING)

-(DOMINIQUE PLAYING ON RADIO) -(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)

GENE AND GLORIA: (SINGING) Secret agent man They've given you a number and taken away your...

Come on, come on. -(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)

(RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING)

Joey Pickles, I'II kill you!

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY PLAYING ON VIOLIN)

Hey, kid, you knew about this? I'II kill you!

(LAUGHS)

Yes, sir.

And on behalf of the Bradbury... -Happy 45th, Scumbini.

-(LAUGHING) -Happy birthday, Gene. Happy birthday.

I'd just like to say that tonight's Iodgings are complimentary.

Ah.

Thank you, kid.

I owe you one.

Hi, hon. -Hi.

Good night. -Good night.

Good luck.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)


(INAUDIBLE)


Doug! Doug!

I am enjoying positive humors this morning.

Why? That new whip come in?

I spent some very pleasant time with a man from the tax bureau.

Drinkwater?

Well, I don't think there's any problem.

Correct. There's no problem.

Mr. Drinkwater assured us that the hotel is not a subject of inquiry, only you, Doug.

So I told him I would gaily cooperate.

Wow, I'm glad you found a new friend.

Mmm, yes, Doug. What times we had.

But he seemed particularly interested in a deduction you've been claiming on a property on Rosenfeld Island.

Roosevelt.

President, statesman, war hero.

Mmm, quite. He spoke of Iiens, attachments, disciplines.

You know, my attention wandered.

You know, Mr. Himmelman, Ithink this is the first time I've ever seen you smile.

Yes, Doug. I'm enjoying positive humor today.

(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

MR. HIMMELMAN: Milton!

Guten Morgen.

You're on track. -I am?

I'm having some very good people go over it. So far, no red flags.

Have you a lawyer by the way?

Uh, not... Not yet. -Hmm.

I'll Iend you one of mine.

I got my trainer in two minutes. Listen, would you do me a favor?

Sure. -Andy's singing in a little club.

Coogan's, I think it's called. I'm supposed to go, and I absolutely cannot.

Be a sport. Go along, clap Ioudly and see her home for me, will you?

You got it. What do you want me to tell her?

Uh, just make me sound forlorn.

Forlorn?

(SINGING) Every time l hear the classics My pulse quickens Ooh, l need a man who knows his (GASPS)

From his Dickens l could love a man who uses his head For more than finding his shoes under the bed Hey, Fido Try using your nose You'll find where those toes goes l could love a man who uses his head In case you've already forgotten What l just said l could love a man who

(GASPS)

Uses his head

Ooh, yeah Yeah!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

That was great.

Is someone sitting here? -Yes.

You know, I think that's where you're mistaken.

Why am I mistaken?

Christian said to tell you he was very sorry but he was unavoidably detained.

Oh. -Yeah, afraid so.

And he sent you scurrying over to tell me?

Well, I didn't scurry. I don't scurry.

I take the subway like any other animal.

Christian and I have formed this friendship wherein we do each other favors.

For instance, right now, he's at the 7-Eleven getting me a Slurpee.

About the other day, you kind of took me by surprise, you know.

I'm sorry. -Where is he?

I told you. I really wanted a Slurpee.

No. Really.

He said he was very sorry that he couldn't make it, and he was absolutely forlorn and he had to...

Did he go to the country?

Yeah. He went directly from the office. -(SIGHS)

His wife's in the country.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, he went to the country. His wife went to a different country.

She went to France. -France?

Yeah. It's finally over between them, and she was really depressed, and she felt she needed to go somewhere where she could, uh, speak French.

What? -Yeah, you know how rich people are.

You or I, we get depressed, we sit alone in our rooms, they get depressed, they get on the Concorde and go to Europe.

He left her?

Yeah. He just wanted to get out there and pack up everything that might remind you of her so that when you went out there, you weren't reminded of her. (CHUCKLES)

He's alone out there.

Yeah, and forlorn.

I mean, that's the word for it, absolutely forlorn.

But there was somethin' he had to do, and he's being a real brick about it.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah. Sweet guy.

They didn't like me.

They did. They did. In fact, the guys at the table next to me, they were very specific about what they liked about you.

You want to hear?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Uh-uh. Thanks.

(BELLS RINGING)

Guess this is a tough business, huh?

Last year, I auditioned to understudy in an Off-Off-Broadway show that, uh, closed as the audience was walking in.

Ouch. -(CHUCKLES)

Well, why don't you just marry Christian, and he'll buy you a show?

I want to do it on my own.

(CHUCKLES)

Sometimes I see myself at 40 still squirting perfume, waiting for the phone to ring.

Hustling last-minute reservations for some out-of-town big shot.

AnyWaY- --

Well, where do you live?

AN DY: Uh, East Village.

I'm on the Upper West Side. I'll get the next one.

Are you sure? I could drop you.

No, it's way out of the way.

You were great, by the way.

(LAUGHS) Thanks.

Night.

(WHIRRING)

Yes, yes, Mr. Drinkwater. Of course I have all my receipts for '89 and '90.

Can you excuse me for a moment, please? Thanks. Milton, Milton!

Is there any way you can come back and get this again another time?

This area gets done at 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m. It is now 3:00 p.m.

I'm due on ashtrays at 3:05. Now, please!

AII right. Hi. Wait. What? No, no, Mr. Drinkwater!

No, I'm not prepared to give a statement of all my net assets at this time!

(PHONE RINGING)

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. -(CONTINUES RINGING)

What do you mean, you're in touch with Christian Hanover's office?

Bar. Yeah, hold on.

What business deal?

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

It's possible the guy may have come into the hotel, but trust me, I do not know Christian Hanover.

It's for you. It's the guy you don't know.

AII right. Mr. Drinkwater, I'm gonna have to put you on hold!

(BEEPING)

Christian, good afternoon.

Not at this end, sport. Andy called here.

As we speak, she's on a bus on her way out here with the impression that I am all alone here pining away.

That's a scenario she apparently got from you.

The problem is, Doug, l am not alone. Quite the contraiy.

My wife and l have our annual Memorial Day picnic, thank you very much.

What in the hell am l supposed to do?

Uh, Christian, don't worry about it, I'll handle it.

What's your address out there?

913 Dune Road, Southampton.

Which means it will take you several days to get out here.

AII right, Christian, listen, I'm gonna have to put you on hold.

(BEEP5)

Look, go. Go!

(BEEP5)

Okay, 913 Dune Road. Don't worry, sir. I'II be there.

(BEEP5)

Mr. Drinkwater. -Mr. Hanover.

Uh... Christian, I can... I can do this.

I know a guy who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who can get...

(VACUUM STOPS)

Trust me, sir.

How do you know Chuck? -I don't know Chuck.

I know Eddie Schacter. Eddie knows Jerry Levine.

Jerry knows George Spitzer.

George knows Chuck.

Small world.

Yeah.

PILOT: Look at these homes, huh? Unbelievable.

Ten, 20 million dollars. Do you think these people are happy?

Bet your ass they're happy. They're freaking delirious.

They'll be smiling six months after they're dead.

DOUG: Yeah.

Good luck to you, Doug. -Yeah.

Nice meeting you, Chuck!

Moron.

(REGGAE INNA SUMMERTIME PLAYING)

(CROWD CHATTERING)

AII right, I'm takin' you home.

And who the hell are you?

Serge, Tatiana, this is my wife Eleanor.

WOMAN: Hello. -Excusez-moi.

Sorry to bother you, darling... -Mmm-hmm.

...but a strange man justjumped out of a helicopter and attacked Priscilla Bailey.

CHRISTIAN: It's all right, dear.

He's a friend of mine.

Uh, thanks.

Any sign of Andy yet? -Not yet.

Listen, sport, I cannot have dirty Iaundry washed in front of these people.

No, no. Very clean Iaundry. Very clean.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN 1: How are you? MAN 2: Just fine.

Eleanor, that's the man that attacked me at the pool downstairs.

He said, "You're coming home with me now."

-(GRUNTS) Whoa! -(CLATTERING)

Uh, hi.

Excuse me. Comin' through.

Excuse me. Whoa!

But, Doug...

Doug-v -Doug-

I just wanted to say goodbye. We had a wonderful time.

So long, old bean.

What are you doing here?

I'm saving you from a very embarrassing mistake.

Saving me? You're the one that told me Christian was alone.

You said Eleanor was in France.

Yeah, I misunderstood, it was French class.

She's learning the language before she goes there.

But she's agreed to the divorce, and you're gonna ruin everything.

She has? -Yeah, sure.

How can they have this party?

How? To keep up appearances.

It's a pre-divorce party.

They're very big in the Hamptons, you know the rich.

Anyway, this is a bad one 'cause he's over there, and she's over there.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hi. -Let's go. Come on.

Is that her?

Yeah. -She's very pretty.

Yeah, she is, and he's Ieavin' her for you.

Come on, let's go.

Well, this is really embarrassing. -No!

But it's not her fault. -No.

She shouldn't have to find out that I'm having an affair with her husband.

No, no. -What did you say?

We gotta go.

Were you talking about me?

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

What a horrible way to find out.

Please forgive me.

I can't...

This is...

Excuse me. Thanks.

Randall!

Yes, my angel on earth?

I guess it's time to go.

Drinkwater. -AN DY: I'm not thirsty.

I thought we were leaving.

Ever wonder how many bathrooms a place like this has?

Her! -I don't even know that woman.

But she seems to know you pretty well, Randall.

Five on this floor already.

I wanna talk to her! -DOUG: Um...

Now... Now is not a good time. -Don't tell me what time it is.

That woman just told my wife she's having an affair with me!

Look, she had the wrong woman, okay? It was an honest mistake.

This kind of thing happens all the time.

She thought your wife was Mrs. Bailey. -(BANGING)

Good God! Josh Bailey? -(ANDY YELLING)

That's why we can't let her out of the room.

'Cause I wanna save the Baileys from the kind of hell that you and Mrs...

Brinkerhoff. -Brinkerhoff?

Brinkerhoff. -...are goin' through.

Josh is a good friend of mine, but so is my wife.

Can I count on you? I gotta get some wheels.

ANDY: It's not funny, Doug!

Let me out!

MAN: Priscilla, here, of course, insisted on a peach Aston-Martin.

WOMAN: Well, I had my colors done, and I'm a peach person.

She's in the bedroom, we need a car.

PRISCILLA: Josh, that's him. That's the one.

Thanks.

Does he work for you?

CHRISTIAN: He's on parole.

Oh, dear.

Josh Bailey! What a shame. -(BANGING)

I think you better get him up here right away.

And please don't say anything to Priscilla.

ANDY: Let me out, Doug!

No.

Champagne?

Thanks.

Don't you just hate Christian's bullshit parties?

I hate Christian's bullshit.

Me, too.

Ijust hide in here until everybody goes.

I mean, you have everything you need right here.

Champagne, cigarettes, hors d'oeuvre.

I love hors d'oeuvre. Don't you just love hors d'oeuvre?

(SNIFFS)

ANDY: Is this Christian's bedroom? -Ew.

Who are you? -Julian Russell.

Really?

Julian Russell. Wow.

This is, uh, Josh Bailey.

Josh is the vice president, House of Morgan.

Randall Brinkerhoff's got your girlfriend in the upstairs bedroom.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your girlfriend in the upstairs bedroom.

A wonderful writer on cooking.

Randall Brinkerhoff has Josh's girlfriend in the upstairs bedroom.

What? -I am serious.

We better go up there, don't you think?

How the hell did my secretary get here? -It's not your secretary.

Well, then who is it? I'm not seeing anybody else.

I don't know who she is. -Well, whoever she is, don't let her out.

AII right, Josh, who is it this time?

Could somebody, please, get us another bottle of champagne?

My God, Josh, it's a man!

It's Julian Russell. -WOMAN 1: Who's the woman?

WOMAN 2: Maybe that's the new Julian Russell girl.

So you're screwing the new Julian Russell girl?

WOMAN 2: You think you've got trouble?

My husband's screwing Julian Russell.

So anyway, you know, there we are in the coffee capital of the world, and she has this little coffeepot that she can't live without, so she plugs it into that...

You know that they live in France, they have the different sort of electrical currents, -and the thing just blows up. -(THUDS)

You know, into a million coffee grinds.

Let's go.

First you want to go, then you want to stay.

Now I want to go. -I want to stay.

Oh, it's time to go. Come on.

Bye.

Thanks for dropping in.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ANDY YELLING)

ANDY: Put me down!

(GROANING)

MAN: Oh, my God!

MAN 1: What happened? MAN 2: Did you see that?

WOMAN: How long has this been going on?

MAN: What about the affairs that you've had?

(ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh!

Doug, what are you doing?

I don't know.

(CONTINUES ARGUING)

Just checking that no one's going off with the silver.

Nice car for a bellhop.

I'm a Concierge, Mr. Drinkwater.

You're in deep shit, Mr. Ireland.

See you soon.

Who was that? -The IRS.

When it rains, it pours.

(STARTS ENGINE)

(REVS ENGINE)

ANDY: What have I done?

DOUG: You didn't do anything.

No? I accidentally told his wife we were having an affair.

That's not anything? -You didn't tell her.

I did. She was... -That wasn't her.

You said it was.

I Iied. (LAUGHS)

I guess that would be the word for it.

She doesn't know? -Nope.

The amicable divorce, was that a lie too?

Yeah, well, sort of. -What do you mean, sort of?

Look, you were about to make a scene.

AII right? I had to calm you down, get you out of there.

So humiliating.

Yeah, well, you'll get over it.

I meant you.

You Iie for him, you clean up his messes for him.

Is there anything you wouldn't do for him?

Yeah, I wouldn't... -You wouldn't what?

Look, leave me out of it, all right?

I need this guy. Right now I need this guy more than air.

Yeah, right.

ANDY: Pullover. I think I'm gonna be sick.

(COUGHING)

What's your problem? Your life isn't ruined.

Sym pathetic vomiter.

If I see it or hear it or smell it, I...

(COUGHING)

(BOTH COUGHING)

MAN: Make fun of our hats, will you?

Don't tell us we don't have the Iowest prices in town.

Andy?

MY purse.

I have to use your bathroom.

Then you can have your purse back.

(SIGHS)

(SUNROOF WHIRRING)

(EXHALES) I just have to...

(CONTINUES WHIRRING)

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

The keys are in my purse.

(LAUGHS)

DOUG: I can't believe you tried to grab the purse from me.

What, do you think I'm a klutz or something?

(G ROANS)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

What are you doing?

Put the seat back down.

(TOILET SEAT CLATTERS DOWN)

Where are you going?

Out of town. I need to think.

Why do women always have to get out of town to think?

I mean, I notice that. I see them at the hotel.

Good-Iooking women from other towns... -(PHONE RINGING)

...sitting around having tea, thinking.

You peed. Now, go.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello, this is Andy. Leave a message at the tone.

(BEEP5)

CHRISTIAN: (OVER PHONE) Andy?

Darling, are you there?

Uh, I'm just gonna, uh...

I'm just gonna tell him we got in okay.

Okay? -I'm already gone.

Hi, Christian. Doug.

We got in okay.

What a car.

Boy, it was everything I could do not to open that baby up.

Put her on a second. She's a little put out, actually.

ANDY: "Put out"? -Yeah, she's packing.

She's leaving town. She wants to think.

Jesus, what is it with women?

Uh, yeah, I was just saying that.

Tell that asshole I never want to see him again!

Is that her? Yeah, that was her.

Did she call me an asshole?

Gee, I don't know. Something about "tell that rascal" something.

I said asshole, asshole!

Asshole. She said asshole.

You were right. My mistake.

- Put her on, Doug. -l don't know if that's a good idea.

I said put her on, Doug!

Uh, Andy.

Uh, Christian would like to speak to you.

Not in this Iifetime.

He says he loves you, and it's really important.

Twitty English scumbag.

Not the response we were looking for, Christian.

Okay, Doug.

What does she need? What does she want to hear?

Okay, here's the drill.

Convince her that she's the love of your life.

Do a big number on how Andy feels and what Andy needs.

- Like that. Yeah, okay.

That's your edge.

- Got me? -l got you.

He's crying.

The man is weeping, Andy. You gotta talk to him.

He understands how you feel.

He knows you never want to see him again, but he loves you, and he just wants a chance to say goodbye.

50W-

I'm listening.

-(CHRISTIAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) -(DOUG CLEARS THROAT)

ANDY: Mmm-hmm.

Uh-uh.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHS SLIGHTLY) Uh-uh.

Mmm.

(DOOR OPENS)

-(DOOR CLOSES) -Mmm-hmm.


Mrs. Arbogast, Doug Ireland at the Concierge desk.

You're all set for your 2:00 massage in your room.

Yes, his name is Vladimir.

You can put the massage on your hotel bill, but we ask that the tip be paid directly to him in cash.

Yes, he is a blonde.

Mr. Rahjeen, Doug Ireland from the Concierge desk.

Thought you'd wanna know that Vindaloo is back from his singing lessons, -and he's sounding better than ever. -(BIRD SINGING SCALES)

I'II send him right up.

(CONTINUES SINGING)

Mr. Wegman, good morning.

Hey, Doug, good morning.

Look, a Piaget is a reliable watch, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

'Cause we're leaving tomorrow, and I thought I'd buy Mrs. Wegman a present to remember the trip by.

Look, Mr. Wegman, nobody buys a $15,000 watch in a hotel lobby.

You want to take a walk with me? I'll save you a grand a block.

Carmen, cover for me. I'II be back in five.

And don't tease the bird.

(SQUAWKS)

(HORN HONKING)

New York is the wholesale jewelry capital of the world.

You'd have to be a schmuck to pay retail here.

No offense.

Don't step in that. -What? Oh!

Okay, Mr. Rockefeller, $7_

You probably want to call your bank.

I'll give you $5, cash.

How about I give you $5 to get the hell out of my store?

AII right, all right, Benny.

$7, I insist.

Shalom, Benny.

Oh, die of cancer, you Iousy, stinking bastard!

Mr. Ireland, my favorite customer.

What can I get for you? -Piaget Tanagra.

Ooh, beautiful choice.

For you, Mr. Ireland, $9,000.

Fantastic.

Mr. Wegman, we wanna get mugged, we can go out in the street.

Doug, Doug, Doug, I'mjoking! I'mjoking!

-$8,500. -$8,300.

May you have a tumor on your head that looks like a derby.

DOUG: That's yes.

Let me get this straight.

If... If I mail the empty box back to my home address, I don't have to pay any sales tax? -What?

That guy said that? It doesn't sound right.

Tell you what, let me go back and check, all right? Okay.

May you have a growth. -(CHUCKLES)

I love you, too, Benny.

Inoperable!

MAN: Pick the red. Pick the red, not the black.

Go ahead. Twenty gets you 40.

Come on, big time. That's not for us.

No, no, no. That other fellow there has been winning consistently.

Well, it's a miracle.

Thanks, Carmen. -Mr. Hangover on three for you.

BIRD: Hanover, not Hangover.

Christian.

I need you, Doug.

The show's on Thursday, and Julian's having an absolute fit.

I cannot get away.

Look, I'm supposed to be meeting Andy at Bendel's at noon, and l can't reach her.

Be a sport. Come and get my car, and go around and take care of her for me.

L 'm reserved at the Grotto at 9:00.

Make sure she's there and happy.

Christian, that's not going to be possible.

Oh. -(J U LIAN RANTING)

DOUG: No, I'm very tied up at the moment, and l don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.

JULIAN: Get me something!

Christian?

Mr. Hanover?

Yes, I see.

Uh, let me see ifl understand this. -(JULIAN CONTINUES RANTING)

You are not able to do me this favor.

- Well... -l mean, that is what you're saying.

Right?

You cannot do what I've asked.

No, sir.

Uh-huh. Very well.

Goodbye.

Uh, Christian, Christian, Christian. Um...

Look, my schedulejust cleared up.

I'm happy to help, sir.

How very fortunate I am. You're a prince.

Oh, Doug. -Yes?

Why don't you send around a copy of your prospectus to my business manager, so we can begin to draw up some commitment papers.

Definitely, sir. Right away, sir.

And, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Christian, I'II handle everything.

Thank you. Milton.

Milton!

BIRD: Milton.

Okay, this goes to this address.

This goes to this address.

And Milton, Federal Express, not Pony Express.

Come on, Carmen. Standby.

Cover for me, will you?

(BOX DROPS)

BIRD: Carmen!

(GUITAR STRINGS TWANGING)

BIRD: Uh-oh.

(GUITAR TWANGING)

(GUITAR TWANGING)

(COINS CLATTERING)

BIRD: Oh, God.

(GUITAR TWANGING)

Oy vey.

Oh, God. -(TWANGING CONTINUES)

Can I be of some assistance?

God, what do you want?

Well, the gentleman has been detained by the histrionics of his mercurial star.

Julian's having a hissy fit. -Exactly.

Christian said he'd meet you at the Grotto at 9:00.

It never ends.

In the meantime, it would be a pleasure to help madam with any of her shopping needs.

Doug.

No, Mr. Doug.

Now, Mr. Doug understands that madam is looking for something in the area of intimate apparel.

This is Mr. Doug's favorite area.

Look, thanks for finding me, but you don't have to babysit.

I'm not going anywhere.

Who said anything about babysitting?

Christian asked me to keep you company, and I'm happy to do him the favor.

It's really not necessary.

Come on, I got the rest of the afternoon off. What do you want to do?

We are going to Italy. I was gonna buy a camera.

I got a guy for you to meet.

May you pass things from your backside that even science cannot identify.

-(BOTH LAUGH) -That was new. I hadn't heard that.

(PIANO PLAYING)

This is a great place.

Yeah, it's a dream of mine to be married here.

HEY. Why don't you jump in?

It looks like he could use some Vocal accompaniment.

You know, I have this recurring dream. -Me, too.

Does yours involve Michelle Pfeiffer and a carton of Cool Whip?

(LAUGHS) No.

What's your dream?

I'm singing in an enormous hall.

I mean, it's huge.

AN DY: (SINGING) Say does that star-spangled Banner yet wave O'er the land of the free And the home of the brave

(LAUGHS) l did it.

Can you imagine what that would have been like with 50,000 people here?

Give me a couple of days, I'll set it up.

I bet you could, couldn't you?

Yeah, I just said I could.

Genie in a suit.

Just rub me and make a wish. -(CHUCKLES SLIGHTLY)

Whatever you want to see, whatever you want to buy, whatever you want to eat.

You name it, I can get anything.

Anything but what you really want?

No, I'm gonna get that too.

What is it?

What is Christian doing for you that's so important?

I'll show you.

DOUG: I don't go anywhere.

I don't buy anything.

I don't do anything.

I save every dollar, and I spend every day working on this hotel.

If it doesn't happen, I guess I wasted my youth.

Think I'm nuts?

No, not at all.

What's it called?

The Doug.

The Doug? (LAUGHS)

I don't know about The Doug. -AII right, all right.

How about The River House?

The River House is good.

Where do I check in?

Uh, right over there. That's the lobby.

Over here is the dining room, elevator banks and that's the bar.

Eight different kinds of wine by the glass, pistachio nuts out of the shell.

You really can see it, can't you?

I've been that way most of my life.

I grew up in a hotel.

My old man was a cook at a resort in the Catskills for 27 years.

A place called Hurley's.

(SINGING) Every day's a holiday at Hurley's Yeah.

Not for my old man.

Brought home $137.14 a week.

Dropped dead in the kitchen of a heart attack.

He was 59 years old.

Wow.

You see it?

Yes.

I'm not going to be a 59-year-old bellhop.

Concierge.

I'm not gonna be anything if I make you late for Christian.

Maybe we should make him wait for once.

Not tonight.

There's too much at stake.

-(CAR ALARM CHIRPS) -I love that.

DOUG: Damn, you look great.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

(STARTS ENGINE)

(REVS ENGINE)

So, Italy.

Christian's taking a house in Tuscany for a couple of weeks.

We're leaving after the show on Thursday.

Nice.

You been to Italy?

Eaten the food. Worn the shoes. Never actually been.

Christian has a lot of friends there.

Ah.

Two minutes to spare.

How about that?

I got it.

I had a wonderful time today, even if it was 'cause you had to.

I had a great time too.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway. -Yeah. Um...

Good night.

(INAUDIBLE)


HEY-

Now what?

I don't know.

No fresh excuse from Christian?

No, not that I know of.

So what are you doing here?

Uh, Jack Daniel's, rocks, please.

It's a free country.

I took the car back to the hotel, and it occurred to me that Christian might be delayed.

Above and beyond the call of duty.

He should be along any minute anyway.

Of course he will.

Do you... Do you want to just sit down and get an appetizer or something?

Sue Spatz on the green of the par four 17th at Hurley's.

How old? -Sixteen.

She? -Same.

Contributing factors?

A bottle of Mateus Rosé and the fact that she was going to boarding school the next day, which I brilliant turned into the equivalent of going to war.

(LAUGHS) Current status of relationship.

Christmas card two years ago.

You?

Phil Gibson on the couch of his parents' den.

Age? -Seventeen.

Phil? -Eighteen.

God, even then! -One year! Shut up!

Contributing factors?

We were watching Wuthering Heights.

Current status? -Unknown.

He's out wandering the moors, crying, "Andy! Andy!"

(LAUGHS)

How come you don't have a girlfriend?

Well, between working and trying to get my hotel set up, I just don't have the time.

You weren't too busy today.

Well, today was... -Business.

I forgot.

I wasn't gonna say that.

(MAN CLEARING TH ROAT)

DOUG: Mr. Wegman?

Whoa.

Not bad, huh?

You look good.

Andy Hart, Mr. Wegman.

Hi, Harry Wegman. How are you? -Hi.

Doesn't he look good?

You look good. -DOUG: You look good.

How did Mrs. Wegman react?

She, uh... She Iaughed.

DOUG: That's not good. How long have you been married?

Oh, this is our 20th anniversary.

Well, did it ever occur to you that she actually likes you just the way you are?

Hey, didn't you say you wanted to dance?

Uh, yeah.

Why don't you two get out there and give Mrs. Wegman a wake-up call, huh?

Uh... Uh-uh, uh.

DOUG: Come on, Harry.

Okay. Thanks.

I'm sorry. -You're doing fine.

Yeah.

Which one's your wife?

She is that very beautiful woman right there.

ANDY: The incrediblyjealous one?

Yeah.


You know, you got a great guy there.

He's made a very big effort for me.

That's what Doug does. It's his job.

He makes a living out of being nice to people who might give him something in return.

That's funny. I never got that impression.

I guess you know him a lot better than I do.

Not really.

Well, I may be naive...

I am naive, definitely. -(CHUCKLES)

But he's... He's gone way out of his way to help me with my little situation here.

You... You don't do that for money.

That comes from the heart.

(PLAYING PIANO)

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

In Your Eyes, fellas. -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

This next song is dedicated to a very special couple here tonight for a very special occasion.

Mr. and Mrs. Harry Wegman, happy anniversary!

(PIANO PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) Look at you More sparkling than a glass of fine champagne

Look at me I'm higher than a kiss on lover's lane

At the evening's start my lone/y heart Think Christian would mind if we danced?

You want to dance with me or Christian?

Well, Christian's not here, so...

MAN: (SINGING) In your eyes

Look at you You shine like starlight Is he a big tipper?

Harry?

I doubt it.

Look at 'em.

Poetry in motion.

Get her, Harry.

A moonlight beam

At the evening's start my lone/y heart Was taken by surprise When l saw myself In your eyes


Look at us We danced And yet our feet don't touch the ground

Miss Hart?

There's a phone call for you.

You can take it at the bar. -AN DY: Thank you.

Guess who?

(BEEP5)

Hello? -CHRISTIAN: Sweetheart, it's me.

I'm so sony.

Julian looked himself in the storage room with the entire collection. lt took me hours to coax him out again.

Anyway, I'm out of here in half an hour.

I'll meet you at our suite at the Bradbuly. Huh?

Oh, right.

I'll call Doug and get him to set it up.

Uh, he's here.

Yeah?

Well, he saw you were going to be late, so he stayed to keep me company.

He's a terrific babysitter.

Put him on.

Okay.

Christian.

Hey, Christian. How's the man?

Yeah, the man is busy.

Listen, take Andy back to the Bradbuly and put her in our usual suite.

I'll meet her there. You got it?

Yeah, I got it. I'll take care of it.

And, Doug.

I'm going to have some very good news about our... Our little venture.

Great.

I'll get the check.

I'm sorry about what happened back there.

Nothing happened.

Well.

No, I mean, nothing happened but...

You know.

I don't know.

What happened was that you got your deal.

Congratulations.

Thanks. You, too.

I mean, you and Christian, it looks like that's gonna work out.

Uh-huh.

Look.

AII I was saying was I'm glad that he...

That he called when he called, and nothing crazy happened, and we didn't...

Nothing crazy was going to happen.

I don't know what you think, but nothing was close to happening.

Okay.

Well.

DOUG: Well.

So I can open this champagne now or would you like to wait for Christian?

I'II wait, thanks.

Music? -No, I'II wait for Christian.

Would you like me to turn down the bed?

Why not?

Will that be all then, miss?

That's it? That's all you have to say?

What would you like me to say?

Oh, I forgot! You don't say a thing unless Christian tells you to!

You're like his houseboy, for Christ's sake!

Well, if I'm his houseboy, what's yourjob description?

ANDY: Damn you.

(G LASS SHATTE RS)

What's up, Doug? 449V, how you doing?

Everything all right? You, uh... You look a little upset.

Uh, yeah, I'm fine. It wasjust a long day.

Where's Andy? -Resting.

My Iawyers assure me they can work out our problems with the IRS.

Come to Julian's show Thursday, and I'll have the commitment papers.

We're in business, partner.

DOUG: Thank you, sir.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I have some fences to mend.

(CLATTERING)

CHRISTIAN: Hello, darling.

ANDY: Christian, you can't keep doing this to me.

CHRISTIAN: Andy, I've left Eleanor.

AN DY: Really?

CHRISTIAN: I promised you Iwould, and I have.

ANDY: I'm so happy.


(SIGHS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(ALARM RINGING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)


(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

MAN: Come on, come on, come on, I need her outfit right now!

Come on! What are you waiting for?

Come on, come on, come on! Go!

MAN: Beautiful!

Oh, I'm sorry.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

CHRISTIAN: Doug!

I'm sorry about the chaos, but I wanted to do this in person.

I'm fond of ceremony.

My kind of ceremony. -Yeah.

It's rather like a candy store, isn't it?

AII right, one second, one second, one second.

Beautiful. Goodbye.

Commitment papers.

Sign them and deliver them to my Iawyer.

There's an extra form there transferring the lease option over to my corporation.

I'm not the one the IRS is looking at.

But if you prefer to spend the next 12 months in audit rather than Construction...

No, no, this is good.

Thanks. -Good.

Congratulations.

Amazing.

It's nice when everyone gets what they want.

It hardly ever happens.

Well, almost everybody, I guess.

What do you mean?

Well, your wife. -Huh?

Eleanor. You left your wife, right?

God, no. No, Doug, she's my third wife.

You never leave your third wife.

What about Andy?

Eleanor and I have an arrangement.

She forgives me my Andys, and I agree never to divorce her.

Your Andys?

Is that a problem, Doug?

No, Ithink that's a swell arrangement, Christian.

Exactly.

JULIAN: Christian, let's go.

The Doug?

Yeah, done deal.

That's great.

So, when are you leaving?

Right from here. I can't wait.

Yeah, Italy will be nice.

It'll be good for us. No more sneaking around.

Really?

He promised.

Andy, uh... -(KISSES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(APPLAUDING)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Thank you, Mr. Drinkwater. I'II be in touch.

Just keep it coming...

Who was that? -(STARTS ENGINE)

He looks familiar.

That's just a man who helps me out occasionally.

No one you know.

Hey, taxi! Yo!

MR. HIMMELMAN: Doug! Doug!

Oh, Doug!

"Duck" you.

Please, please, please, please. -GENE: I'm coming.

Oh, please, please, please. -What?

Oh, Doug.

Look, kid, this is not a good time. Come back in two minutes.

I haven't got two minutes, Mr. Salvatore.

Now, I've always been very good to you.

Yeah, so? -The dogs, the jewelry.

I got you those little "t'ings." -WOMAN: Gene, I'm getting cold!

Look, Doug... -You own United Carting, right?

So, what is it? Your cousin, he wants to collect garbage?

Fine. -No, no, no. I, um...

I need a very big favor.

Taxi!

(HORNS HONKING)

Hope you brought a good book.

-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING) -(HORNS HONKING)

DOUG: Come on, Freddy, help me out here.

I got Miss Saigon, I got Cats.

I got Les Mis, I got the Grateful Dead at Nassau Coliseum.

The Dead? Why didn't you say so?

Giddyap! -(HORSE WHINNYING)

GiddyaP-

Hee-haw!

Oh, God!

(SHOUTING)

(HORNS HONKING)

MAN: Come on! Get that truck out of here!

What's with this traffic?

The IRS. -Where?

The guy you were talking to. I just remembered where I saw him.

He's an IRS agent who was trailing Doug.

Oh, yeah, Drinkwater.

He works for you?

No, he works for the IRS.

But sometimes when I need someone nudged a little...

What do you mean?

I needed the option on that property signed over to my name.

Drinkwater made it appear expedient to Doug.

You tricked him?

And here they come down the homestretch. -(WHINNYING)

It's Gypsy Jill on the inside.

A brilliant stretch run by the great filly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, listen, you want to trade? -Trade?

Take the horse. You'll love the horse. -Horse?

An opportunity came up, and I acted upon it. That's all.

It's not in anyone's best interest to Iet that property go to waste in the hands of a bellhop.

Come on! We're going to miss the flight!

It's his idea, it's his dream.

Yo, mister, what gives? -I can't...

You got 30 seconds to get this truck out of here, or you got a date with me in the 22 precinct tonight.

Let's go! Move it out!

Yo, let's go! Go! -(HORN HONKING)

Move it out. Go, go, go!

Look, you don't tell me how to run my business and I won't tell you how to...

How to what, Christian?

Tell me how to what?

To sing?

You've never even heard me sing.

I'm a very busy man. Now, please spare me the tantrums.

Just grow up, will you?

Yes, Iwill, starting right now!

Andy. Andy.

Andy! Andy, come back.

AII right, I'm sorry! Please!

Andy!

Andy!

Andy!

Doug!

He's not leaving his wife! -Don't sign.

It's a trick! -I just thought you should know!

He's a crook. He wants to steal your property.

DOUG: He doesn't deserve you! -I thought I should warn you.

(BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

MR. WEGMAN: Hey, Doug. Hey, we got a little mix-up here. l never got the watch box.

Yeah, you remember the jewehy guy said l should mail myself the box and then l would... Anyway, l never got the box.

But I got the plans.

And boy, they are just spectacular.

DOUG: Who is this? Harold Wegman.

Harry Wegman. Don't you remember?

Harry! Wow, this is a surprise.

Yeah, look, uh, who do I make the check out to?

I don't usually deal in Ioans this small, but, boy, a hotel like this on Roosevelt Island?

It's too good to pass up.

How did you get those plans?

Welcome to the Bradbury.

Never mind, Harry.

I figured it out.