For Richer or Poorer (1997) Script

Whoa! No, oh, no.

Tax fraud? Oh, no. I mean, this is a miscalculation.

Yes, I mean, a misunderstanding certainly, but, you know, I would even go so far as to admit that it was bad judgment.

It could be really bad judgment, but it's certainly not tax fraud. No, I don't think so.

Look. We need to meet with you and your client at his office tomorrow at 10:00.

All right, all right, we'll be there. 10:00.

Good. Otherwise, warrants get issued.

Property gets attached. Everyone gets very cranky.

Well, we don't want cranky, do we?

No, we don't.

Sleep well, Mr. Lachman. We'll see you tomorrow. 10:00.


Thank you. Well, this is our big night.

Yes, it is. You work the girls and I'll work the boys.

Sounds great. See you soon.

Not soon enough. Aw.

Love, love, love. Oh, Caroline.

Mwah. Mwah.

Oh, Caroline.

What a fabulous look, as usual.

Oh, thank you. 10 years! Can you believe it?

Well, it's easy to believe, it's just a little tough to admit.

Well, I'm just glad someone's happily married, even if it isn't moi.

Oh, honey.

I still can't believe you haven't traded in Brad for one of those hot new models.

Oh, sweetheart, you never trade in a classic.

Oh, meow. Oh.

They're so happy. I'm so jealous.

Now imagine, if you will, a Mecca where people from all over the world can partake in a celebration of miracles.

We will lift their souls while we lighten their wallets.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold.

The Holy Land.

This is amazing, isn't it?

A theme park inspired by God himself.

Brad, darling, look who I found.

Your Honor, it's a thrill to have you here.

Well, it's a pleasure to be here.

Thank you. And my favorite attorney.

I owe you one, buddy. Hmm. You sure do.

All right. May I continue?

Let me take you on a journey. Step this way. Please, go ahead.

All right. Now, welcome to the Holy Land.

Check it out.

"Bedouin Breakfast." Come on, you gotta love it.

What is this? A sell job or an anniversary party?

For our Jewish guests, "Torah, Torah, Torah, the Water Slide."

And for our Japanese guests, "Tora, Tora, Tora, the Water Slide."

Look, "Water Into Winery." And what a great year for wine.

Mmm! One.

My favorite attraction. Here it is, "The Burning Bush."

Twice a night, we light up the skies with this.

Mr. Sexton.

Not only have you no respect for religion, but you have ruined my favorite Balenciaga.

I can assure you that if you go ahead with this heresy, you and anyone else stupid enough to get involved will burn in hell!

Judge Northcutt...

Your Honor, please wait.

Does this mean we won't be having dessert tonight?

What the hell's a Balenciaga?


Yo, Picasso! Let's go!

Ugh.

Happy anniversary, Mr. Sexton. Thank you, Winston.

Ow!


Well, after tonight I don't know how I'll ever be able to face my friends again.

Just pretend they're a mirror.

You're so funny, honey.

Actually, I'll just confess to them that I'm married to a moron and that way they'll feel sorry for me, and then they'll forgive me.

Well, this moron built you this fabulous life.

Oh, that again! Oh, I forgot! That's right, honey.

You did everything, and I did nothing.

Well, I have developed

16 commercial properties in the last five years, including Euro Alcatraz.

I'm sorry. Did you say, "Euro Alcatraz"?

"Vacation in the Big House." Say, did you hear that?

What?

The sound of an entire continent laughing at you.

Ouch. Caroline, refresh my memory, will you, please?

What exactly have you done in the past five years?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I know.

You've done Bloomingdale's. You've done lunch. You've done Chemical peels.

You've done collagen. You've done liposuction. Wow.

You poor, deluded little monkey.

Who do you think brought you to those people, hmm?

Without me, Brad, you would be nothing

I beg your pardon, but I had a very successful real estate career before I ever met you.

Oh, really? So you consider leasing parking spaces a real estate career?

Well, here's a news flash, Brad. I took you from Kmart to Tiffany's.

I invented you.

Okay. Then I guess you have no one else to blame but yourself.

That's... I guess not.

Good night.

Say, Brad, darling, here's a thought. Since you're so good with fire, why not set up a little barbecue barrel down on 42nd and sell flame-broiled pigeons?

Or maybe you should write a cookbook, How to Roast Your Own Nuts?

What do you think, Brad?

Jumping catfish! You'd drive a guy crazy!

You know what I think? I think I'm tired of busting my ass while you sit around in your ever-widening one criticizing everything I do.

Oh, really? I spent the last six months busting this ever-widening ass, and for what?

So that you could take our anniversary and turn it into some carny sideshow to promote some lame idea?

All right, Caroline. What is this really about?

Nothing, Brad. Just another thrilling Saturday night at the Sextons'.

Are you really that pissed off about that little incident at the party?

No. I am pissed because if had just stayed in fashion design instead of wasting my time on you, I would probably have my own collection by now.

Ah, so instead you're collecting everyone else's collection.

Don't you get it? I gave it up to help you.

Oh, please. You gave it up because you were afraid you might actually have to finish something.

I'm tired.

Then go to bed.

No. Of this.

What used to work in this marriage just doesn't work anymore.

Uh-oh. Oh, God, here it comes, the divorce talk again.

Brad, we're both wasting our time. What's the point?

If you want out, just say the word.

Out.

What?

Out!

You want a divorce? I need a divorce!

You got it. Good! And we'll split everything!

Wait a minute. Split what? We don't own any of this shit around here.

All we have is debt. And I'd be glad to split that with you, 50-50.

50-50? Not on your life!

Then it'll get ugly. Good! I can do ugly.

I've done you for the last ten years!

As memory serves me, you stopped doing me after six and a half.

Happy anniversary, honey.

Fuck off! Okay.

Holy smokes! How'd I ever get mixed up with you?

You're becoming awfully disagreeable lately.

Snap my head off every time I open my mouth.

If being with me is so distasteful to you, you can leave.

You can leave anytime you see fit.

Nobody's holding you here.

I can get along.


Morning, guys. Mr. Sexton.

Good morning, Penny. Well, did it come? Just arrived.

All fixed. That'll be $96.

I'll owe you, okay? I can't.

Not this time. And I'll need cash.

Really?

Really- Okay.

I'll go to the bank today. You'll get your cash.

Have I ever shown you the back of this?

Yes, you've shown it to me many times. Oh, your new chair is here.

Is it?

Ow! Bob! Brad.

What are you doing? Where are you going with all that stuff?

I'm not going anywhere. This is nothing.

I am going someplace, you know, but I've gotto...

Put a hold on it. There's something I want to talk to you about.

I would love to, you know, but I've got... Bob.

I've got your number. Huh?

Number, please?

New satellite phone from Osaka. Huh?

Got your number right in there. This thing will pick up a signal anywhere.

That's great, but I gotta go.

Wait, wait! Got one more thing to show you. Please? Just take a minute.

Oh, by the way, Bob. How'd that IRS thing come out? Are we gonna survive?

Sure, I took care of everything.

That's what I want to hear.

What do you think? The Shiatsu 2000 Massage Experience.

That's fantastic. I gotta go.

Wait a minute! Come on, Bob, look at this.

Oh, feeling good. I got the manicure-pedicure option, and I can sit here while I'm getting my back rubbed, I can get a facial, too.

What do you think? I'll tell you what I think.

I think that you are spending development money on stupid toys.

These are not stupid toys. These are business tools.

I write all this stuff off.

Yeah, that's what I do.

I could do a lot more. I got a working knowledge of every inch of this place.

I got... I got...

I gotta go. I'm really late.

Hold on! I'll walk out with you. There's something else I should tell you.

Great.

Come on, come on.

Whoa!

Well, Caroline and I decided to call it quits.

Gee, that's too bad. Sorry to hear that you two are splitting!

Did he say "splitting"?

Miss. IRS Field Agent Hall. Where did Mr. Sexton go?

Well, he better be going to the bank.

Bank?

Bank. He's running. Get backup, have them meet me there. Move.

He did my first two divorces, and if I ever get married again, he'll do my third.

Brad won't know what hit him. Ooh.

You're so lucky not to have a prenup.

We didn't have anything. There was nothing to 'nup.

Oh, you're gonna get it all. Oh! That's mine. You got it last time.


No, no, no.

Hey! Hey, I don't have time for this!

Son of a...

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

This is where the fun begins.

Who the hell are you?

Inspector Lester. I'm here to serve the warrant and bring in the suspect.

Inspector Derek Lester?

Wow! Sir, I heard about you at the Academy.

I'm sure you did, son.

Whoa. Look, sir, hey, look, I know I may be a little new at this, but I don't think we shoot people for cheating on their taxes.

Oh. You're right. You are new at this.

What do you mean, my accounts are frozen?

It means you can't touch them.

I know what you mean. Who froze them?

I'm sorry, that information is confidential.

Really? Caroline!

Excuse me, sweetheart, but this card has no limit.

I'm sorry to say it does.

Ha! I knew he was too good to be true.

Let the games begin.

That bastard.

That bitch. FEMALE VOICE: Number, please?

Oh, Jesus.

Bob Lachman.

Oh, Bob. Brad. Oh, Brad.

Listen, somehow Caroline has managed to freeze all of my accounts.

Caroline? Are you sure?

Well, who the hell else would it be?

Well, you know, there was that little IRS audit thing.

I left out a few little details.

What sort of little details?

$5 million!

Bob, what did you do?

Well, a lot of little things, you know, over a long period of time.

If this is about money, just say so. I'll give you a raise.

Brad, I'm insulted. This isn't about money, it's about respect.

It's about friendship.

Nah, I'm only kidding. It's about the money.

Bob, you need help.

I know, I'm a sick man. I am sick, but the good news is, now I can afford to get the help I deserve.

Oh, I would give you one more piece of advice. If were you, I would leave town.

Because I think they're going to arrest you.

Arrest me? Why?

Because, you know, it's not my name on those returns, sluggo.

It's yours. Have a nice day.

Kennedy.

Bob, Bob, Bob! Shit.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Come on!

He's making his move. Let's go.

Hey, come on, you're scratching it!

Come on!

I don't believe this!


Gun!

Shit!

Hold it! IRS!

IRS?

This is bullshit.

I can't believe it. You just shot at him! He had a gun!

He had a phone!

Well, let's hope this discourages future violations of the tax code. Get the car.

Hold it!

Run, Sexton!

You're making my day!

Cheater!

Brad Sexton is a cheater!

Watch out! Excuse me. Oh, boy. Look out! Look out, please!

Go, go, go!

Go...

Hey, Malik, let's go.

Smarten up, okay? I'm off duty.

Where the hell you going with my cab?

Sir! Move over!

What? Get over!

What are you gonna do, chase him?

I think reckless pursuits are against our arrest policy.

So is defrauding the government, son.

I don't believe this!

This guy's nuts!

When was your age, none of this was here. Sir.

You can't drive, can you?

Well, I don't have a license, if that's what you mean. Got you!

Wait here.

Columbus and 69th.

This just keeps getting better and better.

Brad? What are you doing driving a cab?

I thought we could use the extra money.

And why did you cancel my credit cards?

I didn't...

Hold on!

Hold on, son.

Excuse me. Do you think you could turn the corner without wrecking my hair?

You might want to put your seat belt on.

Oh, great. Now the cops are chasing me.

How on Earth can you owe that much money?

I don't know. But I don't owe it, we owe it. You and I.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if I testify against you then they'll give me immunity.

Well, fortunately, they don't allow wives to testify against their husbands.

How about ex-wives?


It's okay, fellas. IRS.

Well, that worked well.

You don't have a clue where you're going, do you?

No, but we can't go back to the city till I figure this out.

You know what? If you had a brain, which you clearly don't, you would've spoken to your attorney back in New York.

Hey! I was being chased around by a guy with a big gun.

I didn't have time to shoot the shit with Phil.

No, but you had time to steal a cab, didn't you, Brad?

I'm sorry I didn't find the time to lift a limo for you.

I don't get it. Leona cheated on her taxes and she didn't end up with a bullet in her head.

Nope, just a cellmate named Wanda poking her with a toilet brush.

I can't believe we are fleeing the city like a couple of fugitives.

That's what criminals do.

I'm not a criminal, Brad!

Your name was right next to my name on that tax return.

So as far as the government is concerned, we are both criminals.

Oh, shut...

Brad, look out!

Oh, no, no!

Shit!

Are you all right? No, I'm not all right, you idiot!

We gotta get out of the cab. Back off!

It's sinking, it's sinking. Get out, get out. Just move out of my way.

I'll do it myself.

I'm drowning! Brad, please don't let me die!

Caroline, Caroline. What?

Stand up. What?

Oh.

Come with me. Don't touch me.

This is insane. We've been walking for hours. It is so obvious that there are no signs of human life out here.

Well, what do you suggest we do, Mr. Spock?

God, I don't have time for your stupid jokes, Brad.

All right, all right. Let's just get off the road. We'll go rest over there, and I'll call Phil in the morning, all right?

Oh, are you suggesting we spend the night out here? Yes.

Maybe you want to play Davy Crockett, but I don't camp.

Oh, gosh, you don't need to. Look, there's a Ritz-Carlton.

You're such a jerk. Come on.

Caroline, come on. No!

Wait for me.

Caroline, let go of me, please.

No, I don't want to fall down.

Can you be a gentleman for once in your life?

All right. Here's the deal. Just sit down here, lean against the tree. How hard can that be?

Are you sure these things won't attack us in the middle of the night?

They're cows! They only attack when they're irritated by whining.

Ouch!

I don't have to sleep by you. I'm taking the other side of this tree.

Whatever makes you comfy. Fine.

Hmm.

It's actually soft over here.

Probably 'cause you're sitting in cow dung.

Excuse me?

I said, "My, oh, my, is that cow hung."

Ugh. You're such a pervert.


Brad! Brad!

What? Quiet. Those cows'll jump on you.

They will?

Stay there. I'll be right back.

What do you mean, stay here?

I have cow poop on me!

Huh. Not lately.

Huh.

I come in peace. I just need to use the telephone.

Thank you.

Ugh. Bastard knew that was cow shit.

Dreadlocks. Look at me.

Oh, look at me!

Congratulations, Brad, you made the front page of the Post.

Liz Smith photos, the whole shmir.

Looks like you got yourself into a little bit of trouble.

This is not a little bit of trouble, Phil.

I'm being chased and shot at like a wild animal.

What I want you to do is wire me some cash, some dough-re-mi, pal.

I need a place to stay.

No can do, my friend. That would be abetting a felon.

Phil, you abet felons every day. You play racquetball with them.

Bradley, you know I would love to help you.

Call Lachman. Find him. He's the one responsible for this mess.

Let me get him on the other line.

I'm gonna put you on hold. Don't put me on... Shit!

Suppers at the Yoder house won't be the same without you two.

The cousins'll be moving here soon enough.

They're from an Ordnung in Missouri.

Brad, you still there?

Yeah, where else would I go, Phil?

Seems like our friend Bob's phone has been disconnected.

What? That dirty son of a...

Calm down. Now both of you lie low, let me survey the landscape.

Check back with me in a day or two.

Or two?

Tax fraud, resisting arrest, grand theft auto?

Bradley, my boy, what were you thinking?

I was thinking about saving my ass!

Because that donkey's been in the family for years.

And we couldn't live without it. Save it. Any cost. Thanks, bye.

Just love that donkey.

Ow!

The cousins, will they make it in time for our planting season?

Hard to say. Could be a month, maybe two.

Too bad for Samuel. Hmm.

Well, do you have everything? Yeah? Good. God be with you.

Thank you for your help.

My pleasure. Maybe you'll come and see us in Michigan.

Maybe, maybe...

Listen, the real cousins won't be here for a month.

We're not gonna get away with it. We'll get caught.

One night, two nights, tops, here till I get Phil to pull some strings for us.

It'll work, but you might want to tuck those bad boys in.

You look like a Shakespearean whore.

These bad boys cost me $14,000. I'm not tucking them in.

Well, these people... Fourteen grand for the set?

I can't look this good for free.

Fine. You know what? If you paid a little bit more attention to our finances, maybe we wouldn't even be in this mess.

That's it. Yoder.

They've all said "Yoder."

This is it. It's got to be. It's so picturesque. It's almost serene.

Look at this. I can almost imagine Planet Amishwood.

Shut up, Brad!

I just want to get this sham over with.

All want is a hot bath and a cozy bed.

No kidding. All right, here's the deal.

Follow my lead, I'll do the talking.

I know all we need to know about being Amish.

Since when?

Since I saw Witness.

No! Tiffany earrings, dead giveaway, honey.

And the lipstick.

Use my sleeve. Come on. What? All of it?

Guess what, Brad?

I sawWitness, too, and they didn't wear Armani shades.

The rings. Amish don't wear wedding rings.

Okay, fine, take them.

I wasn't planning on wearing them very much longer anyway.

Okay. All we gotta do is pretend to be people that we're not to fool people we don't know in a situation we've never been in. We're from New York, how hard can it be?

Let's go.

Caroline, come on.

God, you look like an idiot in that suit.


Buzz off, Lassie.

Samson, down!

Mr. Yoder?

Yeah? How may we help you?

We're the cousins.

Cousins? Your cousins.

Your kin? From Missouri.

Emma? Emma?

Jacob? Jacob.

Jacob and Emma. Yoder.

We weren't expecting you for months.

Surprise!

Well, what happened to you? Ugh. It's hard to say.

We had a carriage accident up by the pond about six miles back. Danker's pond.

Danker's pond. And the horse, I looked one way, he saw...

Snakes. And spooked him, and he tore off...

Drowned. Tore off and drowned.

And the carriage flipped, and at the bottom of the pond there are pieces of the carriage. Oh, it's been in the family for years.

Children, this is our cousins. This is Jacob and Emma.

Yoder.

This is our eldest, Rebecca. Anna.

Hello. Hi.

Sam Junior.

Would you think it rude or unkind if maybe I went in and just washed up a little?

Of course, please, come this way.

Hey, thank you, boys.

It's sure good to be here.

Welcome.

Here we go.

Everything you need you'll find in the dresser.

Blankets, some clothes that fit.

And the outhouse is right out back.

I'm sure you want a few minutes to pray before dinner.

Grandma Yoder is preparing one of her special meals.

You know, this is so swell. And your phone is?

My. You must come from a liberal Ordnung.

Yes, a very liberalOrdnung.

Ours is one of the last remaining old order Amish communities in the country. We still do not receive any electricity or public works.

We like to maintain our purity and independence from the government.

Don't we all?

We find it best to remain disconnected from the outside world, where corruption and materialism are so commonplace.

Amen to that, sister.

I'm so relieved you're here, Emma.

This time of year, heaven knows we could really use the extra help.

Welcome.

Extra help? No, no, no, I can't stay here.

They don't have television and they don't even have indoor plumbing, for God's sakes.

What did you expect? Room service and a Jacuzzi?

It's either this, or sleeping on cow pies.

Great!

Cow dung or Ordung.

Ordnung. Ordnung. Learn it.

Thank God we're from a liberal one. Thank God.

Why is that, Brad?

So when you blow it by acting like Marie Antoinette, we can blame it on our Ordnung. Gee, this bed is awfully small.

Hmm.

Well, you know what, Brad?

You don't need to worry about that, because in our Ordnung, the men sleep on the floor!

Ugh!

What?

I need a smoke!

Yeah.

Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat.

Amen. Amen.

What's wrong, Emma?

Oh, just anxious.

You don't know how long it's been since I had my last...

Emma is just nervous. She's a little shy when she's around new people.

Don't be shy, Emma. We're not new people. We're cousins.

What happened to your beard?

Hmm?

Keep to your own, Sammy.

Forgive him, but in our Ordnung, only the unmarried men go without beards.

In all Ordnungs.

Sam Junior, now don't be prideful.

He has a point. And there's an explanation for it.

A while back in our Ordnung, we had...

Outbreak. Yes, we had an outbreak.

And it was... Lice.

Lice?

Mmm. But it only lasted a very short time. Minute Lice.

Jacob, you must be very anxious to meet Big John.

Of course I am. How is Big John?

Ah. Belgians.

I tried some of your suggestions, but he just wouldn't listen.

Do they ever? Belgians are only good for two things.

Waffles and deep, dark chocolates.

Grandma, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna go with a salad.

Or, better yet, I'll just eat this enormous wiener.

I'm gonna need just a little bit of mustard.

He's up again. Who's up again?

Baby Sam, of course.

Ah, yes. Another son of Sam.

I like the name Sam.

Not to be confused with Samuel, Sammy, Sam Junior, and of course Samson.

Good evening, folks. Evening, Henner.

Henner, these are our cousins, Jacob and Emma.

So soon. Well, that's good, huh?

Guess who's got a boyfriend. Yeah, well, you go, girl.

"You go, girl"?

Yeah. In very liberal Ordnungs, that just means "he's hot.'

Father?

Yeah, you're excused.

You go, girl.

Another brilliant idea by Brad Sexton.

Caroline, get some rest. We'll sleep late.

I'll get to that phone. I'll call Phil. He'll send a car for us.

You better tell Phil to make it snappy! I don't like it here.

These people are not right. They're like children of the corn.

Oh, finally. Thank God.

Morning!

Who are you? Come on, Grandpa.

Up you go, lazybones.

Thought we'd get the west 40 done before breakfast.

Look at that, honey, it's almost Emma, Emma!

Good morning, Emma!

Good morning, corn child.

This is Molly, and this is Mae.

Two good, honest workers. Though Molly gave me a big scare last week, didn't you, girl?

Have a look at her pastern.

Pastern?

Oh, I see what you mean.

No, her pastern.

Thought you said "ass burn."

Pa, come quick! Sammy, leave him.

Now, Jacob, here's where your expertise comes in.

Huh?

Strong bloodlines, perfect conformation, but he's the most ornery animal I ever owned. Got him at auction three months ago.

You may be the best horse trainer in Missouri, Jacob, but even you could have trouble with this one.

Meet Big John.


Couldn't we just have rice cakes for breakfast?

Emma, these apples are not for breakfast.

They're for the schnitz pies we'll be making this afternoon.

Oh, yeah. There's nothing like a good schnitz pie.

Emma, do you need some coffee?

Coffee? This is a coffee-drinking Ordnung? Oh, praise the lord, sister.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That is the most beautiful quilt I've ever seen. Look at those colors.

It's just so vibrant and bold. And that stitching is so intricate.

Whoever made this quilt is quite the artist.

Oh, Emma, that is the quilt you made.

Well, and you know what? Now that I'm looking at it, it's not so swell.

Because I can see that it's sort of flawed. I think maybe it was just the way the light was hitting it.

No, you truly are gifted with the needle, Emma.

All the women here are so excited to learn your double-cross wedding ring pattern.

Beg pardon?

Yes, I showed them all your samples.


Back up.


Um, hip-hop. Move on.

Big John.

Come on, now. Go now. We gotta go. Go on.

Easy for you.

Ow!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa! John! Yo-ho, John!

We are plowing now!

Kissed by the sun today, eh, Cousin Jacob?

Ouch.

Well, I must say we are blessed to have you here for spring planting.

Another man makes all the difference.

Well, I'm just happy to be here.

Maybe tomorrow Big John will give in to your training techniques and you can start on the north 20.

Huh? Excited, huh?

Very.

OW.

Are you hungry, Jacob?

As a matter of fact, I am. Thank you, Emma.

Emma made your very favorite dish.

Mmm. You don't know how to cook.

Liver, kidney, and lung casserole.

Huh?

Oh, look at that.

Eat up, Jacob. You're gonna need your strength tomorrow, honey.


Wow. Lipstick, for me?

Oh, honey, you look beat.

Let me draw you a bath.

Indigestion?

Don't remember eating that.

Guess what? Emma doesn't have to cook tomorrow.

Guess what? Jacob may not let her live to see tomorrow.

Do me the favor. Do you know what I did all day long? I was on my hands and knees scrubbing floors.

Wait a minute. What is that, violins? Can you hear them?

What about me? How about plowing five acres on a wooly mammoth?

Have you seen the size of that horse?

Did you call Phil?

Yes, I used the windmill phone.

Town is five miles away. What was I supposed to do?

Brad, why don't you make a few more excuses?

I thought we were just passing through. I didn't know was I gonna spend the rest of my life at Yoder State Penitentiary.

I'll call him tomorrow. Fine.

I'm exhausted.

Please tall me that's not what I think it is.

Where do they get the energy?

Must be from those schnitz pies.

Certainly not one of your schnitz pies.

Thank God, they're quick.

Like somebody else I know.

Morning!

Look, it's already 4:45.

Whoa, wow, that's a pretty big number.

Are you gentlemen sure this is correct?

We do tend to frown on excessive write-offs, sir.

I'd love to help you, guys, but I'm completely in the dark here.

Well, then here's a little light.

If I find out you're not acting in complete cooperation...

Believe me, I don't need any trouble with the IRS.

You don't know how right you are, Mr. Fancy Desk.

If you hear from him, give us a call.

Mr. Fancy Desk?

What an asshole.

Let's get a good old-fashioned tap on his line.

Can we do that?

We're the IRS. We do anything we want.

Sir?

Trust me, son, I know cheaters.

Right now, the Sextons are kicking back in some fancy Caribbean resort, slugging down rum drinks and copulating in unconventional ways.

They're having the time of their lives.

That's it!

You know what I'm thinking about right now, Big John? Glue.

And I'm not talking about white glue, carpenter's glue.

I'm talking about stick glue.

Gosh, where does glue come from?

Anybody?

Your feet.

It's pretty simple, pal.

Be submissive, or be adhesive.

You're a plow horse. There's nothing wrong with that.

Show some self-respect. They're talking about you in the barn.

Molly and Mae, I heard them.

"Ooh, that Big John. What a stud.

"High in the rear. And check out his pastern."

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, do you want to be a failure the rest of your life?

No, no. Let's till the soil!

I didn't mean to yell. I was... I was venting.

Let it go. Let it go.

All right, Big John, you and me and the dirt.

Hi-dee-ho. Let's go!

No, no, honey. Sweetie, go back home. Shoo. Shoo.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right. Caroline, I'm plowing.

Yee-haw, Brad.

I bet these people don't get a chance to see the zigzag pattern very often.

You know, I think I'm really getting the hang of this.

That's great, Mr. Greenjeans.

Is that for me?

Thank you.

Don't read anything into it.

You said you were going to call Phil today.

So could you go make the call?

I'm ready to exit the 19th century.

Oh, and while you're at it, could you get me a carton of cigarettes and some Extra Strength Tylenol?

What?

Aren't you going?

I can't go. I promised Samuel I'd plow the rest of this field.

Oh!

I have gotta get out of here.

They've got me paring and pickling and plucking.

And that annoying little girl follows me everywhere I go.

You know what? Prison couldn't be worse than this.

Would you stop complaining?

Oh, now what? You're taking the horse to town?

No, I think I'll take the subway.

Brad, you cannot ride that thing.

This is not a thing, Caroline. This is a horse.

His name is Big John.

And he and I have come to an understanding.

I hope the two of you'll be very happy together.

I need some help getting up on the horse, however.

Are you serious?

Could we...

Give me your foot.

Jump.

Hey. I'll need my hat.

Oh.

All right.

All right, Johnny, let's go to town.

Johnny, you know where town is.

Come on, buddy, don't make me look bad. Johnny.

Allow me. What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

John, John. Come on, John.

Don't forget my cigarettes!

Whoa! Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. John, John.

Whoa.

No, don't tell me. I can't know where you are.

But, Phil.

Careful. I'm sure by now they've tapped the line.

Hi ya, fellas. How are tricks?

I know how these morons operate.

Phil, did you get hold of Lachman?

No, not yet. But I did manage to get a copy of your returns.

Very interesting reading. Brad, when did you buy a jet?

I don't have a jet.

Well, you deducted one. And, uh, what about this...

How big a schooner?

Phil, Phil, Phil, you don't believe I have any of this shit, do you?

Should I?

Lachman!

Brad, calm down, or I can't help you.

Well, I'm so sorry. I've just spent the last day getting my ass kicked by Big John.

Brad, no names. Look, I've got a couple of ideas.

Let me do my magic. I'll get back to you in a week or two.

Or two?

TWO? Phil, Phil, Phil.

Shit!

Finally, the break we needed. Get the files on every single gangster in the Western Hemisphere named Big John. Everyone!

Jacob. Uh, Jacob?

Yes. Just call me Jake, Henner.

Jake, uh, could you, uh, spare a minute?

Does it involve any heavy lifting?

No.

Good. What do you want?

Well, uh, you know, here in our Ordnung, men don't speak much about certain things.

Actually, they don't speak much, period.

Yeah, so I was hoping because your Ordnung is so liberal that I could ask you about...

I could say, I could, for example...

Henner, Henner, come on, take a break.

What do you want to ask me?

Um. Women.

"Vimen"?

Women.

Vermin?

No! Women!

"Vimen"? Women.

Women! Women.

Okay, okay.

What do you want to know?

Marriage.

Oh.

You and Rebecca?

Yeah.

See, I think about it constantly.

I'm practicing, I'm preparing what I'm going to say.

And then, you know, I see her and then the words, they leave my head, and I...

Something's wrong with me.

Nothing's wrong with you. Women do that to men.

It's called being in love.

But in our Ordnung, men...

You cannot marry without at least two years of courting.

Ah, and you want to jump the gun.

Uh, take the plunge.

Buy the cow.

Idioms aren't your thing, are they?

You want to get married right away.

Yes.

Hey! Whoo.

But, uh, well, um...

How long did you court before you were married?

Six weeks.

Six... You were married after six weeks?

Oh, it seemed like two years.

And we really, really loved each other.

So, Emma was all you could think about.

You wanted nothing more than to be in her company, yeah?

Every moment, all of the day and the night, no?

Incredibly, yes.

All that is needed is love. I knew this.

I knew this in my heart, but I was afraid to defy the elders.

Don't defy on account of me.

Thank you, Jacob. Thank you for your strength and your wisdom.

Great, great, great. Save this for the honeymoon, okay?

Thank you.

What do you mean we have to stay here?

Keep your voice down, Emma.

I will not keep my voice down! And stop calling me Emma!

Did you get my cigarettes?

No one's going to find us here. It's not that bad.

You get free food, free lodging...

Free food, my ass! I've never worked so hard in my life for a meal!

Please keep your voice down.

I won't keep my voice down. I don't understand what's going on here.

Two days ago, you and I were getting a divorce.

And finally, I was going to be rid of you.

I don't have to stay here another day, do you hear me, Jacob?

Fine, Emma, do what you want. Leave.

Pack your bags and leave!

Fine.

Ohh!

You were right.

Marital discord. It's such a shame.

Must be why they came early, hoping a change would make a difference.

Hey!

Grandmother's 200-year-old porcelain pitcher.

God has sent them to us, Levinia.

I'm not sure how we can help them, but we must try.

Jacob?

Evening, Samuel.

We need to speak.

Okay. About what?

You don't think we know what's going on?

I didn't mean to put your family in the middle of this.

Truth is, we were desperate.

Up You-know-what Creek without a paddle.

Shit Creek?

That's the one.

I don't know what to say. Look, I'm sorry.

I know what I did was wrong.

We were just so scared.

Everything just started to snowball.

We needed a place to hide.

Oh, you mustn't hide from your problems, Jacob.

You must confront them. If you turn your back, they'll only get bigger.

You must show no fear and stand in their way.

That's not easy when you're facing prison, Samuel.

Oh, marriage is hardly a prison sentence, Jacob.

Marriage? My marriage.

"Prison" was too strong a word.

I meant sometimes it makes me feel claustrophobic, huh?

Well, uh, all husbands and wives have periods of disagreement and heartache.

But the harsh words, the evil looks.

You don't want to live like that the rest of your days, do you?

Oh, Levinia, do we have to do this?

The vow of marriage, the love.

These aren't just words, Cousin.

It's the commitment we live by and hold second only to God.

So that would make God first, right?

Remember, you wrote about your picnics by the lake, mating in the barn with wild abandon.

Ah!

I'm afraid our barn-mating days are long gone.

It's been a long time since she's opened her barn for me, Samuel.

But every day can be a new beginning.

That's the beauty of marriage.

Look inside your heart, Jacob.

And put hers above your own.

Once you've settled in, you won't have time to be sad.

Now, let's go scrub the kitchen floor.

Oh, could we?

Yes.

Samuel, thanks for the talk. I feel a lot better now that it's all out in the open.

You got a hook of a grip on you, Samuel.

Big John, "The Chameleon," dead.

Big John, "The Cockroach," turned state's evidence.

Big Johnny Cool Cat, serving nine life sentences.

Not so cool anymore.

Stick with it, son. Our reputations are at stake, and I will not be made a fool of.

Too late. How's that?

I said, "I'll be working late."

Good man.


Three, two, one.

Morning!

God. Don't these people believe in shock absorbers?

Just try to enjoy the ride. Look at this carriage.

100 years old. Looks brand-new, doesn't it?

You just don't see quality like this anymore.

Oh, my God. What?

You've crossed over. You're one of them now.

Every day's just a constant reminder that I don't know how to do anything.

You're just feeling sorry for yourself, Caroline.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. These women know how to do everything.

Hell, I can't even cook or sew. I'm domestically challenged.

That's funny.

No, it's not. It's not funny at all.

I feel so useless here.

We can do this.

You still know how to work a party, don't you?

Yes.

All right, fine, let's go.

All right. Come on. There we go.


Having fun, Emma?

They're all dressed alike and they're still having a good time.

Well, you didn't all wear the same thing back home?

A liberal Ordnung.

A liberalOrdnung. A liberalOrdnung.

Back in Missouri, you probably wear many colors, perhaps even different styles?

Mmm.

Your Ordnung and so many others have become much less rigid in that area.

But here, we're still very limited.

Our Leadership Council has taken the color issue under consideration numerous times.

They always vote no.

They say these are colors. The only colors.

Well, I'm sorry, but I think it's ridiculous.

I mean, it's not that black isn't the timeless classic.

It's just that, what's wrong with wearing pastels and soft earth tones?

We could wear color and still maintain group conformity.

Emma, this is the first moment since you arrived that, well, the subject seems to bring out a fire in you.

I have to admit, clothes are my passion.

After the Lord, of course.

Well, we all share your feeling.

Color is present in everything else God touches, so why not what we wear?

The council meets next week.

Perhaps you could help the Elders to change their minds.

No, me, next week?

Well, do you think I could make a good impression on them?

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Well, that was fun.

We'll have to do that again soon.

I told you he was funny.

Emma? Emma?

Mmm?

I made this for you.

Oh, no, thank you. No. Uh, chocolate and I just aren't...

I have an addiction.

Oh, all right.

Mmm. Oh, Lord.

Emma, are you praying?

Mmm-hmm. I'm praying that I can stop eating this.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hmm?

I think she likes you. Mmm.

Mmm. And I think you like her.

No, no, she's just enamored with me.

She's never met a chain-smoking chocoholic before.

Wait a minute. Something's gonna happen. Something wonderful.

I would like to marry your daughter.

Friends.

Friends.

I have an announcement.

I'd like to make known that, as of today, my daughter, Rebecca, is engaged to wed Mr. Henner Lapp.

God bless them both.

Yes!

That is all.

Well, I hope they'll be really happy.

Why did we get married?

I don't know.

I guess we thought it was a smart thing to do at the time.

You were working at Saks.

Mmm-hmm.

You came in there and you were going to buy these really stupid-looking socks, and I sold you a suit instead.

I still have that suit. But you're right about those socks.

So I went to Saks looking for socks, and I got a suit and some sex.

You were really handsome.

I was really handsome?

Are.

But did you ever really love me?

You mean like that?

Did you ever love me like that?

It was a long time ago.

Yeah. Well, we were different people then.

Yeah.

These people sure know how to cute rug.

Yeah, cut a rug, weave a rug, beat a rug.

What if...

What if Jacob thought he should, uh, want to dance with Emma?

You mean for appearance sake?

Yeah.

Okay. Sure.

Okay, good. Sure, I don't care.

Okay, uh, well, just start running and I'll chase you.


Whoa.

So, you guys, uh, taking the day off?

No, no, we're going to make a transaction with the English.

Samuel is going to help me buy the 20 acres across from him.

A real estate transaction. Did you get a geological on it?

Check the water and mineral content.

You might want to look at the grade of that. Yeah.

Any liens on the property?

You would maybe like to come with us?

Oh, yeah, I got a lot of shit to do around here.

Yeah, I would like to go, though.

Yeah. All right.

Phil, Phil, Phil, you don't believe I have any of this shit, do you?

I've heard this before. You're wasting my time.

No, just listen.

It's German.

Ordnung?

Yes. It refers to the closed communities of the Mennonites or the Amish.

Amish, of course. They don't pay taxes.

The joint's probably lousy with cheaters.

Let's go. I'll drive.

Color?

What is next? Leave behind the horse and buggy?

Where will it end?

Well, with all due respect, I hardly think that our wearing colorful dresses is going to lead to tattoos or monster truck rallies.

In the Bible it is written, "Women shall adorn themselves with modesty and sobriety, "without braided hair or costly array."

But this isn't about vanity or violating your... Our beliefs.

This is simply...

May I approach the bench?

Our quilts, our blankets are vibrant and joyful.

And yet, we are forced to wear these little black drab numbers.

Aren't there mornings when you yourselves wake up and you think, "Oh, I'm just so in the mood to wear pink'?

If you would excuse us for just a moment, please.

Oh, that's all right. Go ahead. Discuss.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Could you perhaps gather for us some samples of which you speak?

Yes, sirs.

The Council will meet again in one week, at which time we will make our decision.

Wunderbar!

Well done, Emma. I know. Isn't it good?

One week?

Uh, oh, ladies, we have shopping to do.

Thank you, gentlemen. Ciao.

This price seems a bit high.

Well, it's not as if we wouldn't love to make you a better deal.

We're sitting on... What is it, Dave, eight other offers?

Try 10, Jerry.

But they're city folk.

Of course, you know, Samuel, we'd always rather do business with you Amish.

Now, this is a hell of a property at a rock-bottom price.

But it is much, much more than we have in mind.

Hmm, well, we're not making a dime on this one. It's way below market.

Well, what do you think, Jacob?

I think, if it's okay with you two, I'd like to talk to these two fine gentlemen privately.

Please?

I'll be right out.

You tell me, Mr. Yoder, is this property perfect for that boy, or what?

Let me just say, sir, that I think it's extraordinary the way you people help each other out.

Uh, you're quiet and reserved.

You never cause any problems. That's why we love doing business with you Amish.

So, hey, what can we do to wrap this thing up?

For starters, we could take your offer, wrap it up in a tight, little wad and shove it up your ass.

I thought I was a good negotiator.

To bring the English down that much...

Very impressive, Jacob.

It was nothing. It was nothing.

I'm just glad I could help.

And to think I am now responsible for a piece of God's earth.

Wait till I tell Rebecca.

Oh, this is one of the happiest days of my life.

Thank you, Brother Jacob.

You bet, you bet. Oh, brothers, I'll be right back.

Thank you, Father Samuel.

Yes, uh, collect call from Jacob. No, no, no.

Brad Sexton, please. Thank you.

Let go, Danny.

Phil Kleinman's office.

Oh, hi, Evelyn. Is that you, Mr. Sexton?

Yes, it's me. Put Phil on the phone, will you, please?

I'm sorry, Mr. Sexton, he's out of town.

What do you mean, he's out of town? Where did he go?

I'm not allowed to say.

Why, because somebody's listening?

I'm not allowed to say.

Well, what are you allowed to say, Evelyn?

That's pretty much it. Why don't you try back in a week?

Well, you tell... Evelyn?

Damn!

Broke at my farm.

What did he say?

I'd like to see you in the pale green.

And, you, oh, this robin's egg blue. Oh, look at that.

Oh, look how beautiful that is.

What's going on?

Oh, Jacob, Emma is quite a skilled shopper.

Well, she's had a lot of practice.

Could I talk to you for just a second?

Sure. Brad, you're not gonna believe the selections here.

I'm gonna use autumn tones. The harvest is my muse, my inspiration.

And the prices are half the price they are in New York City.

Caroline, we're in trouble. Phil's gone. He won't be back for a week.

What is he doing taking the week off?

Well, how do I know?

That's good! Wait, I need a week.

I need a week to get my designs in order.

Your designs?

Yes. Hello!

Caroline?

Oh, no.

You've crossed over. You've become one of us.

Brad, be serious. These women really need my help.

And this is what I always wanted to do. I know I can do this. I...

Just give it...

Whoa.

We don't like getting our picture taken, please.

I got you. I understand. Look, what's this gonna take, huh?

What do you need, five bucks?

A little Amish Lincoln.

I think the two of you need to show a little more respect.

What a dick.

Intercourse, huh?

Hmm.

All right, you start in front.

I'll come in from behind. I'll meet you in the middle.

Sounds good to me.


This is unbelievable. Look at all these little guys.

I made them. Well, you know, I planted them and they're growing.

I, too, never grow tired of the miracle, Jacob.

Well, it's... It's so honest.

I mean, you plow it, you plant it, and it grows.

It's like they say, "You reap what you sow."

Aye, the process is so simple, isn't it?

The ways things grow, so quiet, so steady.

It's easy for people to take things for granted.

The English, especially.

They view us as backward, as hiding from reality.

But this is the reality.

This is the process of life.

We sow humility and we reap a great harvest.

It is not we who are hiding.

It's those English, always hiding.

Jacob.


There, that's great.

Look alive, guys.

Uh, careful, Sammy. Stand back, stand back.

It's me back here. We talked about this, Big John.

It's your chance. You're bigger than the stump.

Think of the girls in the barn. Hip-hip, come on, John.

Come on.

Go on, John. Come on.

You can do it, Jacob.

Come on, John. Go on, John.

Come on, John. Come on!

Come on, John. Come on, come on.

Come on, John. Come on.

Pull it, John. Come on.

Come on, John.

Yeah!

Good, John. Big John.

Emma, I don't mean to sound prideful, but how do I look?

Well, as long as you don't tell anybody,

you look as pretty as the sunrise.

All right, everybody.

All right, models, models. Attention.

Heads up. No modest, downcast eyes on the runway.

There we go.

Now, think Versace, Armani, Valentino.

Sears?

Oh!

Are we ready?

I can't.

I thought I could, but, uh, I can't.

Oh, Henner, get over it. You'll be fine.

But, uh, you know, people are going to be staring at me.

But that's the point, Henner.

Oh, Henner!

Well, so much for my men's collection.

Henner? Henner, can you hear me?

Good afternoon, everyone. Well, everywhere we look, we see color.

And today, we've come together in the spirit of simplicity and respect to honor the beautiful rainbow, which God has provided.

So sit back and enjoy as we celebrate the glory of nature in Rainbow Harvest '97.

Um, hit it.

And along comes Mary, wearing a beautiful starburst quilt across her bodice, offset by subtle hues of aubergine and brick.

This ensemble comes complete with easy-access pockets.

Thank you, Mary.

Notice the fabric as she walks away.

It reminds me of corn swaying in the gentle summer breeze.

How about y'all?

Well, next we have Sarah. Talk about versatility.

This quilted smock in royal blue and rust becomes an instant sporty classic, appropriate at a barn dance or on a milking stool.

Now, you tell me, what Amish girl could ask for more?

It's very important. Don't lie to me.

Excuse me, sir. We're trying to locate these two people.

Could you please take a look and see if you know them, recognize them?

No, sir.

Thank you very much.

Well, we're getting nowhere with these.

Yeah. I just got an idea, sir.

Oh.

Interesting approach. Here's another.

You see, my way, we double our chances in half the time.

Don't be discouraged, son.

It took years of government service before my mind started working this way.

Little Anna Yoder. She's the picture of youthful exuberance in her bright yellow sundress and azure underlay, making those baby blues just sparkle.

Doesn't it just scream daffodils and sunflowers?

Or not?

Thank you.

What happened to him?

He couldn't take the pressure.

And Emma was so disappointed. He was to wear her men's colors.

And now, we have Martha in a very conservative number.

Now, I ask you a question.

Is she going to church, or...

...to a picnic?

You tell me. Wherever she's going, she's gonna have a great time.

Thank you, Martha.

I also have clothes for you men.

Unfortunately, male models being, you know, what male models are, it's hard to come by...

Here comes Jacob Yoder.

Whether he's on his way to town to purchase grain, or he's shearing his sheep, he always looks his best in his blueberry work shirt and his blackberry suit.

Almost good enough to eat.

Thank you, Jacob.

Thank you, Jacob. Thanks. Thanks, honey.

Jacob!

Cool it.

And that concludes Rainbow Harvest '97.

You are a brave soul, Jacob.

I'll say.

Very brave. It was nothing.

Uh, Emma.

I just want to tell you, no matter what the Elders decide, the clothes you made, they are beautiful.

God has truly blessed you with many talents.

Oh, thank you. But it wasn't just me.

I had my friends to help. My real friends.

Uh, Emma, um, I have a favor to ask.

Um, I was wondering, would you do me the honor of helping us with the wedding?

You want me to be the coordinator?

I guess so.

Yes! Yes.

Oh, good.

Great. Thank you.

After much debate, we have reached a decision.

We like the colors.

Could I join you?

Sure.

I know, I know, don't read anything into it.

I wanted to thank you for helping me today, Jacob.

It was fun, Emma.

Do you wanna sit down?

Okay.

I was really proud of you today.

Mmm? Proud. That's gotta be a first.

No, uh... You really helped those people.

You did something nice just to do something nice.

And you didn't even hire a publicist.

Yeah, there you go. I actually finished something.

And, hey, try and find an Amish publicist.

You did good.

Thank you.

And I know when you get out on your own, whatever you do, you'll do great.

Mmm, on my own.

There's a thought.

I'm sorry I held you back.

But you didn't hold me back. No, you didn't. I held myself back.

Hey, but hasn't it been great not fighting with each other?

Yes.

It's too bad we didn't get the hang of this a couple of years ago.

Yeah, that is too bad.

All those years chasing our tails, for what?

Another car I didn't drive.

Another outfit I didn't wear.

The Holy Land. Is that not the worst idea you've ever heard?

Oh, Brad. Yes.

Yeah.

You know, we can't stay here forever.

Yeah.

Look how bright the sky is.

It's so much clearer out here.

Yes, it is.

Huh?


It was a wonderful day today, Samuel.

God only makes good days.


Afternoon.

Thanks to the miracle of your semi-modern technologies, we've got bupkis.

Look, just because Intercourse didn't pay off doesn't mean your Dirty Harry technique is better than modern forensic science.

Is that so? Well, who's got more movies, Clint Eastwood or Jack Klugman?

Answer that.

What?

The only way to solve cases is running down leads, grilling suspects, long, lonely nights.

And sure, occasionally you come home and your wife's in bed with the bottled water guy. But so what?

Boo-hoo. You blow your nose. You move on.

Good old-fashioned police work is the only way.

Sir, look out!

That's a cow.

That's a sign.

Hey.

On the other hand, sometimes you just get lucky.

Uh, sir, I think I'm messing myself.

Walk it off, son.

The vows you have taken, you take for a lifetime.

These are promises which you make to each other with respect, with kindness and fairness and with honor to each other, with all lowliness, meekness, forbearing one another in love, endeavoring to hold the unity of the spirit with a bond of peace.

Neither time, nor temperament, nor force of nature shall diminish the solemnity of this holy union in the eyes of God.

This commitment you make to each other is sanctified in His name.

So, will you, Rebecca, take Henner to be your husband, to love and to cherish, to honor and obey till death do you part?

I will.

And do you, Henner, take Rebecca to be your wife, to love and to cherish, to honor and obey till death do you part?

I will.

So, today, before your friends, relatives, brothers, and sisters, I offer you my blessings.


How do you tell them apart? They all look alike to me.

Okay, people, we're looking for the Yoders.

That worked well.

What is this about, please?

It's about Jacob and Emma Yoder, please.

I am Jacob Yoder.

And I am Emma.

You are not. They are. Aren't you, Jacob? Tell them.


Maybe we should ask for a public defender.

Phil's office swore he'd be here.

Okay.

Hi.

It's nice of them to come.

What on Earth is she wearing?

Looks like something from Mizrahi's "Milkmaid" line.

Hmm, I like the no-button look.

Yeah, you would.

I wonder how Brad's gonna dig his way out of this one.

Looks like they're going for the Quaker defense.

All rise.

We're gonna get the chair.

If we're lucky.

Well, well, well, Mr. Sexton and Mrs. Sexton.

It's good to see you again, Your Honor.

You're looking very well.

I should be shocked at the list of charges against you.

But somehow, it rings all too true.

Is Malik Ali Farquhvar here?

Yeah, that's me. How you doing, Your Honor?

And I am definitely here.

Your Honor, I stole that man's taxi.

We stole that man's taxi.

I know they're some questions about our tax matters.

Mr. Sexton, where is your attorney?

I don't know.

Well, then, who is going to represent the defense?

There is no defense.

We just want to be held accountable for what we've done.

We want to make things right.

You're prepared to accept the consequences?

We are. We are.

Your Honor...

Your Honor...

Mr. Lincoln.

I'd like to apologize to the court. I just came from the airport.

Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor.

Thank you.

Your Honor, I've arranged for the extradition of...

Can you hear what they're saying?

In light of information which has just been presented to the court, we'll take a brief recess.

Look at the two of you. Hmm.

Where have you been, Phil?

Zurich. And I am pleased to report that the long arm of the law has triumphed once again.

You'll be billed accordingly. And...

I found Bob.

And as I was arranging to extradite his considerable ass, I did a little business with a consortium of German investment bankers who flipped, absolutely flipped, over the Holy Land deal.

They actually like it?

Enough to buy you out.

Brad, I'm sick. I'm a sick man.

I was jealous.

I had debts, I had needs, very expensive needs.

Cutlery, the Tuscan villa, the jet fuel, the special shoes.

I have webbed feet, I never told you. I didn't want to burden you.

I know you must hate my guts right now.

But...

No, Bob, I don't. Actually, I owe you.

Huh?

I owe you a debt of gratitude.

Yeah. You saved our lives. And you saved our marriage.

You mean, you forgive me?

Well, I, uh, I'd like to.

I guess I still have a little ways to go.

Nice arm.

Case dismissed.

Hey, huh. Amazing, yeah.

Way ahead of the curve on that one.

Listen, Sexton, you're the man, huh?

Honey, what have you been eating?

Brad-y boy, it's time to take our relationship to the next level.

Try my new pills. You'll love them.

They make everything you eat taste like shit.

I am talking about a partnership here.

My brains, your financial brawn, we can't miss.

Mmm, cigarette?

So, Gabriella's maid tried to kill herself by climbing into the dishwasher.

Fabulous, huh? What do you say?

And now, she is suing for domestic damage.

Can't miss, huh, Brad?


Hi.

How are you?

Fine. Good.

Anna, back in the house.

Samuel, wait.

Levinia, please.

We know what we did was very wrong.

We betrayed your trust. And we hurt you.

And I'd like to say I wish this never happened, but I would be lying.

Coming here was the best thing that's ever happened to us.

Where we live, real friends are very hard to find.

Samuel, you told me to look inside my heart to find forgiveness.

That's what we want you to do now.

Come on.

For what it's worth, thank you.

I know I wasn't very good at scrubbing floors, but I really loved spending time with you.

You English think you're so smart.

What?

Do you really think we didn't know?

Yeah, yes. Then why didn't you say something?

Planting season.

We needed the extra help.

Besides, you looked like you needed help, too.

But mostly planting season.

Of course, you need corn.

I missed you.

Thank you, Samuel.

Samuel, I still can't believe I grew all of this.

Yeah, neither can I.

Um, before I go, I'd like to give you something.

I know you can only use pocket watches, and I'd like you to have mine.

Oh, that is very kind. But in our Ordnung, we don't accept gifts.

Samuel, this is the only thing I have that's ever meant anything to me.

This was my grandfather's.

Well, I suppose we could barter.

Well, it is a turn-of-the-century Swiss repeater.

What do you got?

How about a Swiss for a Belgian?

Well, you throw in some corn, it's a deal.

Deal.

Don't open the back.

Well, you know, that was a great deal. '97 Jag for a '54 Ford.

He never saw it coming.

Yeah, never.

This has been quite a day, hasn't it?

Yes, it has. I came to say sorry to Sam, did a good deed, ended up with some feed and a steed.

And don't forget a basket full of schnitz pies.

Oh, you're the schnitz pie.

No, baby, you're the schnitz.


Marker.

Action.

I think I just realized why they call him "Big John."

Would you let it go!

Oh, no!

Here.

Chicken!

I think we finally found something you're good at.

Just a minute!

Oh, excuse me.

I had debts. I had needs, very expensive needs.

Fine wines, the Rolls, special shoes. I have high arches.

It's very hard to find a corrective shoe in a slip-on.

Emma, I'll wait for you.

Oh, good.

There they are.

Brad, look out!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look at this. It's déjà vu.

It's the same cow, isn't it?

Yeah, and the same pond.

You know what? I bet I could get it for a good price.

And it would be a terrific place to raise the baby.

Yep. What?