Forces of Nature (1999) Script

[ Echoing ] It's a great pleasure--

It's a great pleasure to have all of you here today.

I thought you all might begin your tour here.

[ Shouting ]

[ Ben ] I really didn't want a bachelor party in the first place.

I'll tell you why. It's not that I'm against tradition.

There's just something bizarre about having a strange, naked woman... dance around me while my friends yell out, "Go for it, Ben.

Last night of freedom, Ben."

Last night of freedom for what?

Which is what I told my best friend Alan.

I didn't want any strippers. I didn't wanna get lucky.

I was lucky enough just getting married.

All right. Quiet! [ Shouting ]


All right. I'm not payin' for that. It already was chipped.

We're here to, uh, wish Ben good luck and good riddance as he heads down that rocky path to matrimony.

And, uh, hey, you know what.

Ben's dad Richard and his grandpa Max are here. Where are you guys?

Those out. You guys gotta pace yourselves.

Knowing Ben, I'd have to say that he's probably, uh, one of the most loyal guys that I've ever met, [ Man ] Like a dog!

[ Man Barks ] and, uh, monogamous.

And so this is probably gonna be the last time that you're gonna spend in a room with your friends and a n-n-naked woman other than your wife, man!

So you can close your eyes if you want to. Close 'em!

But then you're gonna be missin' Juanita, the bull tamer!

[ Shouting ]

You don't have to do this.

You really don't have to do this.

[ Man Shouts ]

Very nice.

[ Crowd ] Olé!



Pop? Max?

Call 911.

[ Sighs ] How did this happen? Hmm?

What's the difference how it happened?

It happened. I wanna know how it happened.

It makes a difference to me.

All of a sudden he has a heart attack out of no place?

Mom, can we please not talk about this now?

What don't you want to talk about?

Mrs. Holmes, if it's any consolation, he was having a really good time.

Alan, shut up. Okay.

[ Richard ] Come into the hall. What is in the hall?

A vending machine. Come on, butchki.

Who's hungry? I'm buying. All hours of the night...

This is insane.

[ Richard ] He probably just ate some spicy food.

It was spicy, all right, but it wasn't food.

Butchki! What?

Richard, you are the silliest old fart.

[ Sighs ] Grandpa, what came over you?

[ Breathing heavily ] Hmm?

Hey. Ben.

You all right? [ Chuckles ] Ben.

She was the most beautiful woman I ever saw.

What about Nana?

Did you ever take a good look at your grandmother?

Woman looked like Tolstoy.

I was never attracted to her.

Oh, maybe in the beginning, because she was the only woman I'd ever been with.

Well, you know, that's great. That's, uh...that's loyalty.

Loyalty? It's fear.

Did you ever feel her arms, her...[ Groans ]

Oh, Ben, I used to dream about other women.

What it would be like to hold them and to...

Okay. Touch them and to...

That's-- ...smell them.

Grandma smelled. She had a very distinct smell. It was a--

Ben. Ben.

Listen to me.

Don't tie yourself down.

Even if you love a woman, it fades.

Marriage is a prison.

[ Siren wails ]


Could I help you out? Here we go.

You just passed my room. Sorry.

Feel better.

[ Sighs ] Hi.

Hi, sweetie. Honey.

Oh, why does everything feel so much better now that you're here?

How's he doing? He's stable.

You know, physically, at least. Great.

What happened?

What do you expect? He's an 80-year-old man with high blood pressure and a naked balloon-popping toreador is a rough combination.

It didn't pan out. It's not funny. It's not funny.

Be serious. There's something I want to do.

Okay. Why? I wanna be able to remember this moment in 30 or 40 years.

Think my next husband will get a kick out of it.

Oh, that's nice. Okay.

It's the night before I am flying down to Savannah for our wedding alone, because Ben's grandfather, who we will now refer to as Larry Flynt, has partied himself into intensive care.

What do you have to say?

Put the video camera away.

No, no, no, honey, you're not going to get off that easy.

No, I'm saving it for my vows.

I have already finished my vows.

What's in 'em? [ Laughs ]

You know why? Because it's easy for you. I'm a writer.

Oh, really? I can't just slap something down on paper like you do.

Ben, listen.

You don't have to be brilliant... or witty or clever or polite even.

Just have to be honest.

Come on. Say something. What are you feeling?

Are you nervous? Are you happy? Are you scared?

Am I scared? What would I be scared of?

I'm scared. You are? Why? Now you're making me scared.

Because it's a big thing. It's our marriage. It's the rest of our lives.

It''s scary.

I know. I'm not scared.

The only thing we have to fear... Yeah? this video camera. Hey! Come on! Just say a few words for posterity.

*What, what, what

[ Horn honking ] * .What, what

* .Follow me to the scene What *

[ Alan ] Really? You think I can rent shoes down there?

I can't believe I forgot my shoes.

I hear they have shoes in Savannah now. The whole South has 'em.

All right. Wedding dress. Check.

Check for the minister. Check.

Valium for Bridget's mother. Check.

Ball and chain for you. Check. Not listening to you. Check.

Here, look. Here you go. Thanks.

This is your present, okay? It's a book of quotes.

I crossed out the ones I'm gonna use in my toast. Listen.

"To say that you can love one person all your life is like saying that one candle will continue to burn as long as you live."

Think about that for a minute. I will. That's profound.

This is used.

I forgot the rings.

That's not funny. No, don't do that.

[ Laughs ] I forgot the rings, so--

Come on, man! No!

Relax. I'll catch the next plane.

Son of a bitch!

I'll see ya in Savannah. Hey, I need to go to the city.

New York! New York City! No, I can't.

[ Alan ] Don't take the Van Wyck though.

[ Wheels squeaking ]

[ Woman ] Hurricane Amanda is headed for the Southeast coastline.

The eye of the hurricane is presently located 200 miles east of South Carolina and Savannah, Georgia.

North, northwest...

[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ]

[ Ben ] Excuse me, folks.

Just the line's movin' forward.

No. Well, I love you.

I love you more.

No, I love you more.

No, you more.

No, I love you more.

Okay, I have to go, because I just made another passenger nauseous.


[ Clears throat ] That's my fiancée.

Goin' down to get married, so we're a little--

Oh! Jack Bealy, Snap-On Tools.

Ben Holmes, scared of flyin'.

Yeah, I was married once. Yeah?

To me marriage is just one big lie.

You don't say.

In the morning I had to say, "Don't be silly, honey.

Your breath is fine. You smell like a rose."

Then I had to say, "No, honey.

"I never noticed that 18-year-old girl

"with the fantastic body and halter top that delivers our newspaper.

"She can't hold a candle to you and the 30 pounds you've put on since we stopped having sex."

[ Paper rustles ] So when's the wedding day?

May cancel it. I may have to call back.

I didn't mean to throw a wet towel on ya with my whole marital disaster tirade.

It's all right. It was a nice story actually. It was very touching.

Nice girl? Very nice.

I just happen to have a picture of her right here.

Wow, what a knockout. Yeah, she's beautiful.

Oh, baby, come to Daddy. Well, take it easy, Jack.

What I wouldn't give for an ass like that.

Huh? Here we go. Hi.

This is me. Really?

[ Jack ] Well, this is your lucky day, sweetheart.

We got just about enough room for one of you, darlin'.

Must be destiny, huh?



Excuse me. Yeah.

[ Keyboard keys clattering ] [ Snickers ]

[ Keys clattering ]

Sorry. Hmm?

I was reading what you were writing. My eye just kind of wandered over. Sorry.

[ Clears throat ] Do you work for Hallmark?

[ Gull screeching ]

Even if I had seen you looking at it, that wouldn't bother me.

Well, I don't care either.

I'm absolutely fascinated you can't admit you saw me reading it.

If I had seen you reading it, I'd be perfectly happy to admit it.

Then why did you close your computer?

I'm known to do that from time to time.

I'm a rebel. I'll open it, then I'll close it again just like that.

Don't get next to my fire, because you'll get burned.

[ Metal clinking ] This is not working properly.

Stewardess, this isn't... Miss? Thank you.

You're a little jumpy for a rebel, aren't ya?

My seat belt's not functioning properly.

He's a scared flier. Jack Bealy, Snap-On Tools.

Sarah Lewis. And you are?

Ben Holmes. Really, I'm not that scared.

Jack's-- I can assure you absolutely nothing is going to happen.

I speak from experience. I was a flight attendant. There you go.

Oh, yeah? In one of those little uniforms?

[ Gulls screeching ]

[ Squawks ]

[ Bird screeches ] [ Thudding ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Gasping ] [ Screaming ]

[ Woman ] Please stay calm!

[ Groans ] [ Woman ] Oh, my God!

Hold on!

[ Sirens wailing ]

Oh, my God! This is a disaster.

Daddy. Oh, for heaven's sake.

Let's go live... On the other hand, you can never have too many of these.

It's fabulously colorful. Give you that.

How far do you think I could throw it?

Don't you dare, young... Give me that now.

[ Reporter ] the hospital for minor injuries.

Ceramic clown from the...?


My God! That's Ben!

There's no official word on the cause of the crash.

There may have been a foreign object...

Let's get some help!

She hit her head.

[ Man ] Everyone's pretty shook up.

We had a couple of passengers go to a local hospital with concussions.

[ Bridget ] Oh, my God. There he is again.

Call me! Oh, Ben! I love you.

Call me! No. Go back.

There you have it. The latest information...

[ Phone rings ]

Hello? Ah, Ben!

Hi, honey. Yeah, I'm fine. No, I'm okay.

I'm a little...frazzled.

I mean, I was in a plane crash.

This place is a nightmare.

People are running around. I guess they lost everything.

I don't care about any of that. I'm just so happy you're okay.

I-I-I just wish that--

Ben! Ben, listen. Tell him, um...

What happened? You just get yourself down here safe and sound.

The thing is, I'm a little bit scared to fly before I was in a plane crash, so I don't feel much like getting--


You are a god.

You are a god amongst all men. Do you realize that?

I'm on the phone.

Sorry. Do you mind?

What in the hell? Just one of the passengers.

He saved my life! She's kidding.

It's a joke.

I'm gonna get a rental car and drive down there, okay?

I'll call you w-w-when I have a finalized plan.

Okay, great. Thank you, sir.

[ Phone line buzzing ]

Sorry. I couldn't contain myself.

It's amazing when you think about it. We almost died today. Dead.

Is there a rent-a-car this way? Are we goin' the right way?

If I died, how many people would care?

I mean, really care. You'd have your shares of "What a shame.

What a waste. She was so young."

But no real crying. It might be in that terminal.

No eating disorders, no attempted suicides.

Nothing. Absolutely depressed.

You know what? I'm thoroughly depressed.

I just need to shake it off. [ Muttering ]

So what were you thinking?

I was thinking how it would affect our frequent flier miles.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a, uh, jacket copywriter.

Huh. What does that mean?

Means I write jackets to books basically. Oh.

Do mostly fiction, but I do some nonfiction.

You do blurbs. You're a blurb writer. You're a "blurbologist."

I'm a jacket copywriter.

[ Woman On P.A.] As you can imagine, due to today's minor incident... Oh, sh...

[ Chattering ]

Nada cars. Non cars. Cars nyet.

You should have called as soon as you got off the plane.

Why didn't I think of that when I was unconscious and bleeding from the head?

So, cars nyet. We can check the other airports though.

No, that's all right. You can go ahead.

I'm not that big a fan of the idea of getting on another plane today... or tomorrow or ever, if that soon.

But you go ahead. I think I'm gonna be A ground transportation kind of guy from now on.

I'll be right back.

How ya doin'? Did ya get a car?

This is Vic. He's gonna give us a ride. All the way to Georgia?

Sure. We split the cost of the car, the gas, whatever.

Great. Good. Let's go.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait. We don't even know this guy.

He's Vic. Oh, he's Vic.

Great, he's Vic. He chops us up, leaves us in the woods.

That's why I asked that you come along to protect me.

How do you know that I'm not dangerous?

[ Laughing continues ]

*I said, hallelujah to the 16 royal fins *

* .You're gettin' down on your knees *

* .And it's time for your sickness again *

* .Come on and tell me what you need now *

* .Tell me what is making ya bleed *

* .We got two more minutes sayin' we're gonna cut to what you need *

What's your story, Ben? What's down in Savannah?

My wedding, Vic. No kiddin'. That's great.

Isn't that great? Yeah, it's a blessing.

First marriage? That I know of, yeah.

Yeah, I was married once.

One day I walk into the house and I hear the shower runnin'.

I had Chinese food with me, figurin' it would be a nice romantic surprise.

She starts singin'in the shower.

What's that song? "Up in the sky"? "Up with the eagles"?

"Wind Beneath My Wings." Very touching song. "Wind Beneath My Wings."

Suddenly there's another voice in the shower with her.

Oh, no. A baritone.


Now it's a freakin' duet.

So I walk in the bathroom and there she is... with my brother.

Oh! I grab my brother and throw him through the window naked.

He broke his leg in two different places.

Dare we ask what, uh, became of your wife?

I put the wind beneath her ass and sent her packin'. Divorced her.

She never got a penny, the lyin', whorin', adulteratin' pig.

What about you, sweetheart? What's your story?

I'm going down to visit my brother and hang out with my nephew.

That's nice. Kids.

Yep. Got any? Nah. But I see 'em all over.

* .Come on, come on

[ Sarah ] So what else have you jacket copy written?

What else did I do? The low point of my career was...

I did the blurb for a thriller... about a woman, an archaeologist, who finds love in the pyramids.

It was called Me And My Pharaoh.

I have that book. No, you don't.

Yes, I do. "A scintillating tale of erotic mummification."

I wrote that line.

Oh, my God! That's why I bought the book.

Anybody who could find embalming either scintillating or erotic had to be read. It was brilliant.

Well, you know, I mean, it's all about adjectives.

I was gonna go with "engaging tale of erotic mummification" first.

But then I said, no, scintillating. Right on the money.

It's still selling out, but at least I get to write.

What do you do?

I haven't settled down to one particular thing yet.

Worked at galleries, sold cars, tried out for "Aladdin On Ice."

Um, wedding videographer.

I got fired, though, because apparently nobody wants a crash zoom to the priest during the ceremony.

I was a exotic dancer, hostess at the New York auto show.

That's a gift. Yeah.

Let's see. What else?

Is there anything else? I don't think so.

Kids, we should get goin'. You got it, Vic.

Two wayward travelers stuck in a Geo with a guy named Vic.

[ Chattering ]

Don't you think this is just a little bit over the top?

Oh, so what if it is?

Knock, knock.

Steve! How are you? I'm good, real good.

Virginia, nice to see ya. Well, hi, Steve.


Yes. I mean, hi. Hi.

Steve? How are you?

It's been a long time. Yeah.

You look wonderful.

Thank you. So do you.

So, how are you? How is he?

Just the most successful lawyer in Savannah, that's how.

Youngest member at his firm. Handles all my work.

Which I appreciate, 'cause there's not a contractor Who gets sued more than your daddy.

And what's so funny about that, Hadley?

God, you are an unpleasant woman.

Gale force winds if the hurricane stays on course for Savannah.

Anybody want some weed?

[ Man On Radio ] The experiment was a complete failure. The U.F.O. landed--

It's sinsemilla. It'll take your head right off.

That's great, Vic. You think you should have your head taken off while driving?

Can I have some? Attagirl.

You sure you don't want, Ben?

No, that's okay. I had some peyote for lunch.

He's getting married. Don't forget. He has to be responsible.

Not necessarily. You know, look at the Fitzgeralds.

F. Scott and Zelda, crazy, married couple.

They drove a...

Had to know about that.

Whoa! Hey! Sorry. Sorry.

[ Tires screeching ] Oh, shit!

[ All chattering ]

[ Siren wailing ] Uh, what's that?

Do you hear that? What's what?

[ Siren wailing ]

Hi, honey. How'd the bridesmaids' dresses come out?

Good. No, everything's fine. I just got a little bit delayed.

Car trouble, in a manner of speaking.

But I'm fine. Everything's gonna be okay.

Yes, I know. Well, I love you too.

Well, hoo-hoochie, I love you so much.

Baby, no, because I love you more. I love you more...

[ Fence rattles ] Honey, I can't do this right now.

[ Door closes ]

I'm gonna miss my wedding. Oh, relax, Benjie.

It's a simple drug bust. It's not like we killed anybody.

This may be an everyday event in your life, but speaking as a non-felon--

I'm on a bit of a time crunch here, too, okay?

If I don't make it down to Savannah by Saturday morning, I lose 25,000 bucks.

Are you on "Dig For Dollars"? You told me you were going to visit your brother and nephew.

Yeah, I know. [ Key jingling ]

Okay, kids. Here's the situation.

Vic DeFranco was driving with an expired license.

Plus he's got three priors for possession and selling.

And there was ten ounces in the vehicle that he admits is his.

Anybody else know there were drugs in the car?

No, sir. In fact, I just met this man-- You can't...

You can't ask us these questions without an attorney present.

You haven't advised us of our rights.

I believe that's called...

Oh...ah! A Miranda violation. That's it.

This is a very simple procedure.

You tell me you didn't do anything illegal. You sign a statement. And you go quietly.

Sir, I'd like to be considered separate from her, sir.

Hmm. What part of quiet didn't you understand? What are you doing?

[ Man ] Why me?

Whew. Well, I think that went well.

I'm not that happy with how that went. No?

No, not really.

I haven't known you that long, but I think something may be wrong with you.

[ Train Horn Blowing ] [ Ben ] May we have two tickets to Savannah, please?

You want these seats together?

It's totally up to you.

Just give me one second. Can I talk to you? Yeah.

I just, uh, I don't want to be rude or anything, but in situations like this, I think about what I would want Bridget to do if the situation were reversed.

I wouldn't necessarily be that comfortable with her riding down on a train together with some guy who she had a, you know, kind of a connection or a chemistry or spark, whatever, some kind of a thing like that.

You know, and...

The look on your face is telling me you have no...

You're not feeling or you're not sensing...

You have no idea what I'm-- Oh, no, no, not really.

Fascinating. Okay.

Maybe we just shouldn't ride down together, because at this point I really made kind of a chump out of myself.


[ Laughs ]

Have a nice nuptial. Thank you.

Other than the drug bust and the plane crash, it was, uh, fun.

So long, Sarah.

Farewell, Ben. Okay.

[ Ben ] Oscar Wilde: "One should always be in love.

This is the reason one should never marry."

Well, what did he know?

[ Beeps ]

What you writing there, mister?

My wedding vows actually. My fiancée and I are writing our own.

Oh, that's sweet. Isn't that sweet, Emma?

It's sweet as pie. We didn't write our own vows.

It's kind of a new thing. It's nontraditionalist.

We were so nervous, it was hard enough to do what the preacher told us.

I didn't really think about it at all. It just seemed natural, the order of things.

[ Man ] I had doubts. I'll be honest.

You did? You never told me that. I don't tell you everything.

You better, you old geezer.

It seems like it worked out pretty well for both of you.

Oh, we're not married. We're having an affair.

I'm happy for the first time in 34 years.

I don't believe this. [ Man ] I don't have any regrets.

My children are long gone, and I gave my wife 30 faithful years.

Until I met Ned, I always was convinced that sex was some horrible obligation God put on women like cramps or high heels.

For all those years, she never experienced a genuine orgasm.

Wonderful. Could you watch my stuff?

I'm gonna go pull the emergency cord.

Hi. How are you? Hi.

Truck. What do you have?

A truck? Can I see? Hey, hey, let me see your truck.

Grab my nose. Oh! Grab nose.

[ Giggles ] What are you doin'?

What are you doin'? Slap me five. Slap me five.

Five! Slap me five.

Something's wrong. He should have called by now.

He can take care of himself. He's a grown man.

Daddy, what is it exactly that you don't like about Ben, besides the fact that he's from New York and he voted for Clinton?

That's not enough? I voted for Clinton.

All the best presidents sleep around.

Help. [ Phone rings ]

Hello? Oh, hi, Steve.

Ooh. [ Snaps fingers ]

Oh, nothing, just, uh, you know, staving off a nervous breakdown.

Oh, well, thank you, but I can't.

No. No, no, it does. It does sound like fun.

Frankly, a series of rabies shots sounds like fun compared to another evening with these two.

Bridget, come watch the biography of Newt with me. He's amazing!

He is not. He's an imbecile.

No, he's a damn genius. Then you're an imbecile.

Maybe I can come for just a little while.

[ Train horn blows ]

[ Wheels screeching ]

[ Man On P.A. ] The train will be underway momentarily.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

[ Sarah ] Hello!

[ Echoing ]

Can you hear me? [ Echoing ]

Is anybody out there?

No, but leave a message, and we'll call you back!



I wasn't expecting an answer.

I wasn't expecting to find some crazy woman on the roof.

Wanna come up?

No, not really. I think probably that the top of the train might be off-limits.

I know. How many times in your life you gonna see a view like this? Come on.

Seize the moment, Benjie. Come on.

I am. I'm eye level with the sunset here, so I have a better view because I'm--

Come up.

[ Weak shout ] [ Echoing ]

Okay, buddy, this time, we're gonna do it with a little more feeling.

Okay. We're just gonna--

Echo! [ Echoing ]

I am alive! [ Echoing ]

Just a Just push out.

Push out. No one can hear you. Just throw it out there.

I am somebody!

[ Ben shouting ]

[ Shrieks, laughs ] I think... Oh, God.

I think he heard me. Excuse me. I'm fine.

Let me show you how I do it. Okay, ready?

[ Clears throat ]

All right, here we go.

[ Imitating Tarzan yell ]

[ Echoing ]

[ Imitating Tarzan yell ] [ Echoing ]

Oh, God! [ Echoing ]


[ Echoing ]

Well, that was nice. You know, I mean, as sunsets go.

This is interesting. I don't remember the rooster car.

Do you remember seeing roosters? No, I'm a vegetarian.

[ Rooster crowing ]

Oh, no, not again. Didn't you two hear the announcement?

When we stop outside Youngsville, no one on the Savannah-bound train is supposed to board the last three cars.

We uncouple there, and then we reroute. What does that mean?

That means this train's going to Chicago.


I got you. I got you.

You try to seize the moment, you end up getting yourself killed.

Will you jump? It's not that fast. It's too fast!

I got you. I got you. There you go.

There's another one coming tomorrow afternoon, or there's a bus station in town.

Okay, thanks!

I'm starting to get the feeling that there's Maybe a hint that I'm not getting here.

Just spell it out for me! [ Thunderclap ]

That pretty much spell it out for ya? I'd say it does.

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

Hey! Come on! What are you doing?

Oh! Come on! Oh!

[ Laughs ] [ Groans ]

Whee! [ Groans ]

[ Groaning ] Oh, come on!

Ah! It kills. It kills. Ah! [ Laughing ]

[ Groans ] Ow!

[ Both groaning ]

Not exactly a hub city, I guess. No!

We'll come back in the morning.

What do we do for the next 12 hours? Come on.

I have an instinct about these things. No! It's hailing! No!

[ Gasps ] How are you?

It's so good to see you!

[ Chattering ]

You gotta see Linda. Remember Linda? Hi!

Hey, you guys, look who came. Bridget's getting married this weekend.

[ Women squealing ]

* .Hey, hey, hey, hey Ouch! It kills! It kills! * .Hey, hey, hey, hey Oh! Oh, man!

It's open 24 hours. What are you doing? No, no, hey.

Benjie, they cannot kick us out.

Please, get up. Oh, God!

I love this place so much.

Oh! Oh! This is dry. It's the best thing I can say.

Oh, my God, this is heaven.

* .Baby has an old witch doll My baby rang his bell *

* .I didn't have the time to tell my baby fare you well *

* .Hey, hey, hey, hey

[ Yells ]

Takes him down.

[ Both laughing ]

I just wish we'd stayed in touch.

I regret not keeping the friendship going. We're friends.

Steve, friends.

I regret that too.

*How can I just let you walk away *

*Let you leave without a trace *

*When I stand here taking every breath *

*With you Ooh, ooh *

*You're the only one who really knew me at all *

*So take a look at me now

*There's just an empty space

*There's nothing left here to remind me *

*Just the memory of your face *

*Take a look at me now

Do you remember that song? Yeah.

I thought you would.

All I'm saying is that I don't understand the idea of living with just one person for the rest of my life.

How do you make a choice like that?

That's like choosing what you're gonna wear in 25 years.

If things worked that way, everyone would still be wearing hot pants.

Ya dig?

I never wore hot pants, so there goes your whole argument.

Hey, life is supposed to be a ride, right?

You want to be on your deathbed saying, "I played by all the rules," or "I lived"?

'Cause I lived. I loved. I fought. I broke hearts.

I screamed. I bled.

Thinking like that can explain your hostility toward marriage.

I don't have hostility toward marriage.

I just have hostility towards my husband.

You're married?

Yep. Twice, actually.

You saw him. I was kissing him at the airport.

My husband Carl was a hustler from the first day I met him.

Who am I to talk? I was a dog walker.

He convinced me I should invest in a bagel store down in Savannah, because he thought they couldn't make good bagels.

That's why they lost the Civil War.

Of course, we had to invest all my money, because Carl's was tied up in some phony tax shelter.

Is that your $25,000 you were talking about? Yep.

I am going to sell the place, get the last in a string of divorces.

Of course, he doesn't know about it, or the divorce.

Wow. What a story.

So do you think it's a terrible thing I'm doing?

You know, deceiving my husband?

No, I... It's none of my business.

Well, I do.

* .Beg you listen me, don't be kissin' me till I'm done *

* .Unsung champion of reason, like seasoning *

*Pepper your thoughts with spice and entice you to a space *

* .Where I dwell with bass players and layers and loops *

* .Think what I think with my prayers, it's nice *

* .My world is everything I've become *

* .Contained in the hum between voice and drum *

* .I'm comin' from the same place I'm still runnin' from *

* .But even sittin' in the garden one can still get stung *

[ Moans ]



I'm gonna go outside and take a walk.

Will you watch my stuff for me?

Yeah, sure.


[ Clears throat ]

Mr. Spiro, hi. It's Sarah Lewis.

Yeah, listen, I'm on my way down to sell the bagel shop. I should be there...


[ Sighs ] No.

Mr. Spiro, I think that's a misunderstanding, 'cause the man who called couldn't possibly have been my husband.


[ Chattering ]

No, Mr. Spiro, actually, my husband, he's coming with me to sell the property.

Hi. No, no, no, no. I have these. How ya doin'?

I can pay for them. It's the least I can do.

Two for the 9:30 to Savannah, please. Thank you.

[ reporter ] Residents of Savannah, Georgia, are at risk for the hurricane to make landfall by tomorrow afternoon.

Where's my wallet?

[ Chattering ] [ Blows Raspberries ]

[ Chattering ] [ Sarah ] Fun in the sun.

You've already won. We're taking you to Miami.

Hey, Ben, you know what this is?

This is one of these real estate things where they give you prizes.

You look at one of their condos. I used to do phone solicitation for these guys.

I was wonderin' why you hadn't mentioned phone solicitation.

They'll take you anywhere if they think there's a chance of you buyin' a condo.

I'm sure you've done this before, but it's not my speed.

Benjie, make you a deal, okay?

I will get you on the bus. I'll get you down to Savannah for your wedding, if, once we're down there, just for a couple of minutes, you pretend you're my husband.

What do I have to do? Treat you badly and get you to make bad investments?

No. We have no other option. What options do we have? Zero. None.

Yet still somehow, they seem more appealing than this one.

I'm going another way. Wait, Sarah.

I don't wanna be your husband. Ben. Ben.

Do you think I like these? I don't know. Everybody's different.

No, Ben, this is not for me. This is for a little person.

I know, your nephew. No, not my nephew, my son.

You have a son? Yes, I have a son.

I have a ten-year-old boy who lives in Savannah with my first ex-husband.

And, um, I haven't seen him in, like, two years.

I wanted to take the money from the store, and I wanted to give it to him for college or school or whatever he wanted.

It didn't matter to me, but I can't go in there empty-handed.

[ Sighs ] So, please?

Hey, everybody. I want your attention for one second.

I'm like to introduce two new sun seekers.

Okay, Ben and Sarah.

Holmes and Lewis. Just married.

Yes, I'm keeping my name. What am I? His slave?

They missed their bus, so I thought we'd give them a ride.

Actually, as it turns out, they are looking for a place to live.

We were gonna stay with his parents, But I can take that for a week before I poke out my eye.

No offense, honey, but really, they're not human.

And guess what, everybody. You're gonna love this. Ben is a doctor.

[ Applause ]

We came to the right bus.

Tell 'em what your specialty is.

What's your speciality, pooky?


He's a surgeon. Yeah.

Going to be. Going.

He's shy. Brain surgeon.

That's why we're relocating down to Miami.

Let's face facts. It's like one big emergency room down there.

No offense. No offense.

* .Every day I get in the queue *

* .Too much, magic bus

* .Get on the bus that takes me to you *

*Too much, magic bus

* .I'm so nervous I just sit and smile *

Okay, one hour fiesta. A little taste of Mexico, and you can drink the water.

Ben Holmes. [ Laughs ] Sorry about the collect call.

I'll reimburse you when I get...okay. Is Bridget around?

Uh-huh. She's out to lunch. Okay. Who's Steve?

Come on. Yes.

Hyah, hyah, hyah.

Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah.


[ Spanish accent ] You wanna go on the spinning sombrero ride?

No, not really. Oh, come on.

Bunch of 70-year-olds are going. Come on.

Sarah, there's two kinds of people in life.

The kind that look at the spinning sombrero ride and think that there's maybe some amusement to be had there and the kind that look at it and think, "Where will I throw up after?"

You really should get some thrills in your life before you die.

Nausea is not a thrill. Shh!

* .I've noticed you around Everybody, say, "Come on, Ben."

[ Group ] Come on, Ben!

[ Man ] All right.

[ Sarah ] Whoo!

[ Shouting ]

Don't throw up on me, Tony.

Let it out, baby!

[ Screaming ]


[ Man ] Hey! Stop the ride!

Stop the ride!

[ Murmuring ]

Give him some room.

Where's Dr. Holmes? Anybody see Dr. Holmes? Dr. Holmes!

Dr. Holmes, I think we, uh, I think we need you.

Step back. Let the doctor do some work, huh?

Uh, all right. Call 911.

Somebody call 911!

We're gonna get your head back here.

Okay. Listen for breath, check for a pulse.

Hey, you know what. Step back, guys.

Let him breathe a little bit, huh? Step back.

[ Siren wailing ]

Excuse me, guys. Excuse me.

Dr. Keller, this is Dr. Holmes.

He suffered an acute myocardial infarction that was complicated by ventricular fibrillation.


But he's going to be fine. You saved his life. Good work, Doctor.

[ Group Murmuring ] Good work.

Hey, everyone, I think out of respect for Florence, we're gonna stay here in town tonight, okay?

I made arrangements at a local motel.

We really have to get on the road, so we're gonna part ways here.

I absolutely insist. See ya outside. No, no, no, we're...

Wow. What a passion pit.

It's the honeymoon suite. Imagine what the wedding must have been like.


[ Sighs, clears Throat ]

I think I'm gonna take a bath.

[ Clears Throat ] [ Door thudding, handle squeaking ]

[ Squeaking Continues ] [ Clattering ]

Hi. Door won't close.

You need some help?

Thank you. [ Clears Throat ]

[ Bones cracking ]

[ Water running ]

[ Sighs, mutters ]

Oh, yeah. Oh.

*If I call three times a day

*Come and drive my blues away *

[ Groans ] *Be ready to play

*Do your, do your

*If you want to have some luck *

*Give your baby your last buck *

* .And if you can't be

* .With the one you love, honey *

* .Love the one you're with

* .Love the one you're with

[ Radio Off ] *I heard you said you didn't love me *

[ Vocalizing ]

*If I need attention

*Call, I'll call you on the phone *

[ Tapping Quietly ] I'm gonna head down to the gift shop.

It's Ben. Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.

*If my radiator gets too hot Yeah, Dad, uh, wire the money to, uh, Cash-O-Gram office in Orin, South Carolina.

Yeah, Ben, Orin, South Carolina, but what are you do--

What is he doing in South Carolina? I'm handling this.

What are you doing in South Carolina?

What's going on? Are you coming through the Bermuda Triangle?

Could I talk to you guys a second ?

Certainly. Yeah, sure.

I was wondering...I mean, I... Are you happy?

You're asking if we're happy? Yeah.

We're very proud of you. That's not what he asked.

He asked if we're happy. I heard what he said.

Why shouldn't we be happy? I mean, uh... with your lives together, with your marriage.

What kind of questions are these? What's this about?

Well, on the way down here, I met this woman.

Oh, Ben, you idiot! Would you let him talk?

What woman, you idiot?

She's just... It's not like that.

It's just that she's completely different than anyone I've ever met.

Please! They always are!

This is not good timing.

You're supposed to be getting married. I know, Mom.

I want to know how, when you got married, how you knew you were the right ones for one another.

[ Whispers ] I understand. Listen to me.

Ben, when I met your father, I had an opportunity to marry Sam Wellman.

Sam Wellman? Shh! Will you please?

Who is now a very prominent businessman. He sells pools.

They're not even built-in. They're the kind you blow up.

Some are built-in. Even they leak.

It's okay. You know what? It's fine.

I was just curious, but it's...

Dad, I appreciate it if you could wire the money.

I'll be down there as soon as I can, okay? Okay, kid. Take care, huh?

Yeah. Bye-bye.


[ Sighs ]

[ Water Bubbling ] Whoo! Okay. Okay, now, we're honeymooning.

All right.

But, I mean, it seems like what you're saying, though, is that marriage itself is good.

Oh, you know, yeah. You gotta remember your parents were young once.

They went out dancing.

They made love in the back seats of cars.

Then they got married and had kids, and the kids, they slowly sucked the life right out of them till all their passion, all their visions of a life of great adventure are reduced to hoping to be able to sit on a goddamned toilet in peace!

Well, I'm gonna get something to eat, Joe, so I--

[ Alan ] I can't believe it! [ Debbie ] How weird!

Ben! Oh, wow! Hey!

What's going on? Hey, Debbie. Hi!

How are ya? I'm good.

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Uh, it's... You would not believe what happened to me.

Tell me about it. When they closed LaGuardia, I couldn't get a flight out of Newark or J.F.K., but, uh, luckily, uh, Debbie here had a vehicle.

Uh, well, there's a certain symmetry there. Best man, maid of honor.

You know. Well, not really.

This is Joe. Hi. Farrell.

Head of the Sunshine Seekers Real Estate Company.

Joe, uh...Joe gave me a ride down here.

And it was a pleasure. Quite a couple.

So, you guys staying here? No, no, it's like the only place for miles.

You know, we thought we'd stop, get a bite to eat, pee.

So come on. We'll give you a lift. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not taking the good doctor away from us now. The good doctor?

So, maybe you guys should just eat, and I'll just come back down and meet you in say, you know...

Fifteen minutes? Is that good? Great.

Let me grab the stuff out of my room. You got got a room?

Yeah, the honeymoon suite. A little ba-da-bing. [ Chuckles ]

That's right. Rehearsing for tomorrow night.

What's tomorrow night?

Hey, this kid's gettin' married.


[ Chuckles ]

That's...That's funny. He's already married.

[ Laughs ]

That's true, you know, but, uh, in my heart I'm already there.

We all have lives to lead, so let's move on.

I'll see you in a bit. Nice talking to ya, Joe. Okay, guys.

* .You gotta have heart

[ Man ] Please, ma'am. I need your signature, ma'am.

[ Virginia ] Signature? For what ?

Look at this. It says "damaged." Do you see?

Can you read, young man? D-A-M-A-G-E-D, damaged. Damaged.

We're very proud of Ben.

If he's late, believe you me, he has a good reason.

What I don't understand is how, in this day and age of A.T.M.s and cell phones and the Internet and Voyager Two, could it take two days...two days to get from New York to Savannah.

Oh, don't drink out of the bottle, darling.

Thank you.

We are really very proud of him.

[ Ben ] This is ridiculous.

I'll put an end to this right now.

Pretending to be a doctor, listening to my parents' advice on my personal life.

Sarah? Sarah?

[ Bridget ] And where's my lousy maid of honor? Where's Debbie?

Huh? Can I not at least have that?

Who's supposed to be pouring me drinks while I'm being stood up by the so-called groom?

Answer me that. Thank you.

Honey, he'll be here. It's all gonna work out.

It's true, Bridge. Husband and wife, that is something.

It must be nice to see your parents back together, though.

Yeah, talk about a match made in hell.

What do you mean, "back together"?

What do you mean you're separated?

Oh, honey, baby, sugar lump, it means your father has an apartment he stays in when you're not here. I'm never here.

I stay there a lot.

When were you going to tell me?

Honey, we didn't want to spoil your wedding.

This is your special time. Well, it would have been.



Get me outta here.

*[ Salsa ]


[ Man ] Look who's here. Hey, Ben. [ Woman ] There's Ben.

I want to buy this man... [ Continues, indistinct ]



[ Applause ] Whoo! [ Chuckles ]

*[ Piano ]

[ Woman ] Get out there.

How can you resist her?

[ Laughing, chattering ]

[ Grunts ] [ Chuckles ]

You look like you should be writing to your congressman to protest cuts in Medicare.

Really? That's exactly the look I was going for, compliments of Sun Seeker Phyllis.

Listen, Sarah, I just ran into, uh--

Shh. You can't do two things at one time.

Well, the plans that we sort of-- Okay.

You obviously didn't win your fiancée over on the dance floor either, did you?

How did you and Bridget meet?

Uh, at a party. And?

It was a surprise party. Oh, what a beautiful story.

It must have been a magical night.

No wonder you can't write your vows.

No offense, but I'm not sure I should be taking romantic advice from you.

You think? Failure's a fantastic teacher.

You could learn from my mistakes. I could tell you everything I hated about my husbands and my boyfriends so you don't do the same.

Should I get a pad? Get a scroll.

A scroll? [ Chuckles ] Aw, okay.

Never forget her birthday. Make a really, really big deal out of it.

After sex, hold her for a little while.

You know, talk to her like a human being. Ah.

Uh, oh, and do not wear your socks to bed.

Why? No socks to bed, because you might not be all that attractive to begin with.

[ Chuckles ] No. Keep going.

Always, always side with her in an argument with your mother.

Um, listen to her like you mean it.

Supportiveness is a really, really sexy turn-on.

Never, ever hit. No.

No. And, um, no matter what annoying habits she has, Mm-hmm. just realize she's dealing with a huge mountain of imperfections every day.

So you might just want to let it go.

That's it. That's it?


Hey, can I sit there? Hey.

[ No Audio ]

Hey...Aaah! Ohhh! Oh!

Uh, let's get some air.

Why? I'm just...I'm hot. [ Mumbling ]

Grilled prawns or something?

One second.

What's the matter with you? Hmm?

What's the matter with you? Nothing. Do, uh...

Do you know how to swim? Of course.

[ Laughing ]


[ Debbie ] I'm tellin' you, I saw him come out here.

That...That's him down there. That's him.

I don't see anything. There's a body at the bottom of the pool.

No, I think that's just a big drain.

[ Chuckles ] I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, and P.S., you're a moron. [ Grunts ]

Hello? Excuse me? Hi. Hi.

Do you know Ben Holmes? [ Coughs ] I'm sorry. Know who?

Ben Holmes. Is that Ben at the bottom of the pool?

I don't know, but I could go ask for you.

[ Alan ] It's not Ben, okay? He's afraid of the water.

He goes to the beach in a suit and tie. Come on. Let's go.

I found it! I got it, I got it.

What? Goldarn contact lenses.

[ Chuckles ] You oughta just stick with glasses.

Oh, hey, guys? What's going on? What's happening?

Hi. Hey, Alan.

This is Sarah. Sarah, Alan.

This is my best man. Hey. How are you?

Debbie. This is the maid of honor.

Hi, Debbie. Hi.

So, how'd you two hook up?

Uh, I wouldn't say that we're hooked up, really.

I sort of barely know this person, but...

You were on the bus, right? Yeah, we rode down on the bus together.

There's a whole group of folks. Rode down together.

Okay, and the whole pool thing?

She fell in the pool, and, uh, didn't look like she was a strong swimmer.

She was kind of flailing around, so I...

There's no lifeguard on duty if you see the sign there, so I jumped in, and you know, hauled her out.

Then, in the course of that, the contact lens fell out.

Here you go, miss. You oughta be careful with these, because they're--

Here you go. It's your contact lens.

That's a great story.

Bridget's really lucky to be marrying such a great swimmer.

Whoa! What happened here? [ Chuckles ]

Perhaps after you dry off, you'll come back in for another dance?

You got it, Herman. Dr. Holmes, you don't mind if I dance with your wife, do you?

Yeah. You don't mind, do you, sweetie?

All right, all right. Well, I'll see you in there. [ Sarah ] Okay.

I'm pretty disappointed in you, Ben.

You know, everybody's always telling Bridget she's so lucky

'cause you're such a nice guy.

Debbie, I am a nice guy, all right? This is not what you think.

Okay. [ Chuckles ] Whatever, Dr. Holmes.



Ben, you don't need to explain, okay?

Remember, I'm the guy who begged you to sleep with more women before you got married.

I am not sleeping with her, man!

Okay? There's nothing going on!

Why...Why won't you listen to me?

Maybe because I'm getting married tomorrow? All right, look, Ben.

If you're not gonna take advantage of a night that's gonna get you through many sad, pathetic, lonely years, then...

[ Chuckles ] My God.

I'll see you in the lobby in five minutes.

[ Sighs ]

We had a deal, remember?

You were supposed to be my husband if I got you a ride. Remember that?

Yes, I remember that arrangement.

I did not, however, presuppose the fact that Debbie is now on her way to tell my fiancée that I am holed up in a hotel room in South Carolina somewhere with a woman claiming to be the wife of the good Dr. Ben Holmes!

What was I supposed to do? The Sunshine people think we're married.

They would have stoned us. As it is, I already feel bad enough about not buying a condo.

Why don't you just tell Bridget the truth?

What kind of marriage do you have if she doesn't believe you?

Just explain why you're with me-- Sarah, I'm not with you!

We're not together! This is not a relationship!

I just happen to be traveling alongside a natural disaster!

You know what? I really feel sorry for you. [ Sarcastic chuckle ]

'Cause at least when I was getting married, I could admit I was scared.

Well, save me your pity, because I am not scared. You know what?

You have such a problem with honesty, Ben, you know that?

Oh. You can't tell your fiancée what's going on.

You can't explain something absolutely simple and innocent to your best man, and you are with me, Ben!

You could have left a hundred times, but you didn't!

I tried to! Then why are you still here?

I'm leaving! All right, fine!

You wanna talk about honesty? Let's talk about honesty.

Bring it on. You complain about your life, nonstop, all the time.

[ Mimicking Sarah ] It's all your fault.

You are a beautiful, incredible woman. You could have any guy you wanted, but you keep picking these losers.

And the only thing I can think of is that you choose these guys who are intellectually inferior to you so that you can control them, but still feel conveniently wounded when the relationship ends.

You're the one that's afraid of commitment. You back out of every job you ever have!

You run away from anyone and anything, and you think it's so unconventional and liberating, when, in fact, it's just cowardice and juvenile and unable to face the real world!

Ha! Okay, you want honesty, I'll give you honesty.

Do you know why you can't write your marriage vows?

Because you are absolutely terrified that you have nothing to say.

And why would you, Ben? Because you run around so scared that life is gonna throw you this curveball that'll completely shatter this crystal clear, perfect existence that you've created for yourself in your Day Timer, that you blurb your way out of feeling anything emotional, anything real.

You have no emotions, and that's what makes you a shitty writer, Ben.

You know what? At least I don't sit around obsessing that no one's going to come to my funeral, because I have relationships that last longer than a week.

My funeral is gonna be packed! You know what, Ben?

That is just great. And I know your eulogy is gonna look so nice on the back of a book cover.

I just think you are an immature, selfish person.

Well, I'm obviously wrong.

Have a fabulous time in Westchester. I do hope you enjoy the minivan.

God! How great it must be to be so cool and above everyone, huh?

It must be great! Let me ask you somethin'.

How cool is it to abandon your kid?

I was 17 years old, okay? Fuck you. You don't know anything about it.

Nothing. All right, well, try 27, Sarah, because seventeen's not working anymore.

Okay, Ben, take your marriage Cliff Notes and have a nice wedding, okay?

Have a nice divorce. Okay.

Four, three, two, one.

Okay, I'm leaving. Hey, Deb, he's comin'.

Five minutes. There he is. I think he's...Come on!

No, no, no, don't--

Well, that was smooth. You're getting married tomorrow, Ben.

What's your point?

Well, you see, if I'm gonna turn my life around, I can't very well break up your marriage.

I'll have bad luck for the rest of my life, karmically speaking, and I--

I am getting married tomorrow, I have nonrefundable tickets to Hawaii, and I cannot make myself leave this room.

Well, I like you too, Ben.


I can't go through with a marriage like that. I can't.

Ben, relax. We didn't get to second base.

Have you seen Dr. Holmes and his wife?

We're doing the raffle.

He's not Dr. Holmes, and she's not his wife.

Okeydokey? Okeydokey?

[ Sighs ]

I'm gonna tell her.

I think at the very least she deserves that.

If I can feel this way about someone else...

Hey! Come on!

Why does this have to get dangerous? Get in, you freak!

God! [ Tires Screeching ]

Is that your ride?

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

Now what are you gonna do?

I don't know. Let's go get the money my father wired.

That should get us a cab at least.

This is actually the perfect car for this trip.

It's already been wrecked, totaled and destroyed. What else can go wrong?

[ Clamoring, Shouting ]

Well, you asked. [ Chuckles ]

Really. That's interesting. [ Laughs ]

That's not really that funny, actually.

[ Continues laughing ]

I think we should just sit here and wait for the locusts to come!

[ Both laughing ]

Oh, my God. [ Laughs ]

Oh. Oh.

Yeah. All righty. Yeah.

She's on fire, Ben.

Well. I guess we should, uh...

Yeah. We should--

[ Grunts ] I am slipping!

[ Both laughing ]

This is so wrong.

But it feels so right to me. [ Moans ]

[ Thud ]

[ Both grunting ]

Oh, good evening. [ Laughing ]

Good evening. Good evening.

Hi, Joe. It is a good evening, isn't it?

[ Group agreeing ] Dr. Holmes, or whoever it is you are.

We made a call. There's no Dr. Ben Holmes in New York City.

Unless you're a veterinary brain surgeon.

Well, all God's creatures are welcome in my office.

But the way you two carry on, you oughta be ashamed of yourselves!

You tell 'em. There is the matter of your bill.

[ Mumbling ]

Thank you very much.

I'm really sorry. [ Sighs ]

Let's look at this bill here. Seems a little excessive.

No, if you add the two and the two, that's four, and then, uh...

Run! Jesus! Jesus!

How long do you think before they call the police?

Oh, about five minutes ago. All right.

Yesterday I was just trying to get married, today I'm a fugitive.

Okay, I get it now. *[ Dance music ]

This is a sign. This whole thing is a sign.

I am not supposed to get married. Loud and clear.

We have to be in Savannah in the morning.

The fuzz are after us.

Hey, Ben, how much was that car we saw back in the lot?

The disaster car? It was $150.

'Cause I'm thinking that if, uh...

If somebody went into this place right here and did, you know, a little bump and grind for the good old boys, they could, uh... they could probably walk out of there with that amount of money in their pocket.

Strip dancing?

You're saying you'd just go in and strip dance? I'm talking about something serious.

Ben, let's weigh our alternatives here.

On one hand, what do we have? We have a little harmless dancing that gets us to Savannah where I have $25,000 waiting for me, and you have 130 of your closest family and friends waiting for you.

On the other hand, we have... Oh, look, we have nothing.

Oh, there's nothing there. So, we have dancing, going to Savannah. Oh, nothing!

I see where you're going with this. You know I'm right.

[ Police siren ]

[ Police radio, indistinct ] The fuzz.

All right. Am I being too prudish about this?

Is that what it is? Maybe I am. I just gotta open my mind.

You go in there, you take your clothes off, you have the power.

Postfeminist. It's aggressive. You have the power and control.

I know what I'm doing. Watch my back.

Watch your back? What, are we on Mod Squad now?

Hiya. How ya doin'? Good.

I was wondering if y'all had any entertainment.

We got a pool table out back. What would you say to somebody dancing on it for a set price of, I don't know, 150 bucks?

I could guarantee you a really good show.

150 seems like a lot of money.

What? Look at her.

I am looking at her. I'm not interested.

How much for you to dance?

Excuse me?

Ben, I think this is one of these places where everyone would much rather see you dance than see me dance.

You mean...?

* .Get your hands off of my man *

* .Get your hands off of my man *

* .Get your hands off of my man *

It's not funny anymore, because I don't even like to be naked at home in my shower by myself.

So, it was okay for me a minute ago? Well, it's on your resume.

If you want me to blurb you a novel, I could do that.

So much for power and control, big guy. Get up there.

All right, I'm sorry. There you go.

*[ Techno ] [ Crowd Cheering ]

* .Oh, watch me ride

* .I'm a sexual animal Eat you like a cannibal *

* .Primed for the energy

* .I'm inflammable

* .Yeah, I finished my beer So come here *

*And get nice while I lick your ear *

* .Put your legs over there

* .And kinda swing on a chair

* .I swear you look wicked

*When your hand is in your hair *

* .Eyes half closed Cute little nose *

* .And like a pound of self-raising *

* .I just roll and roll

*Step out of my clothes [ Cheering wildly ]

* .Like I'm doing the right thing *

* .It was pumping and she was frightening *

* .Yeah, lightning flashed and thunder roared *

They're really cheering for you. You're doing a great job.

Nope. Everyone in here is looking at your ass.

* .This is where I'm lost all night *

* .If loving you is wrong I don't want to be right *

* .If loving you is wrong

* .I don't wanna be right

* .Don't wanna be right

* .If I come first Well, that's not worse *

[ Crowd cheering wildly ]

* .One take like an earthquake *

* .I take a delight in making the bedsprings sing all night *

* .If loving you is wrong I don't want to be right *

Whoo! Ha ha! Can do! Let's check it out. Come on.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Look at that!

Convertible style. [ Metal grinding ]

[ Ben ] *I'm a sexual animal

*Eat you like a cannibal

[ Chuckles ] Well, I didn't have the G-string and the cowboy boots, but, uh, I think it was a good showing nonetheless.

Don't be too proud of yourself. You weren't that good, Ben.

Don't be jealous.

It's amazing. The things you find so exotic and interesting right now are gonna be the same things that you're gonna hate me for in the end.

Why am I hating you in this scenario? What's--

Okay? Trust me.

A lot of stuff's happened really fast. You're just not registering it.

It's registering, okay? I'm a gay dancer, and I'm proud.

I'm a gay, gay strip dancer, and I love it.

Registered. Cha-ching! Change! [ Chuckles ]

The password is "denial," okay? You've known me two days.

Two days. Now we're on our way down to go break up your marriage.

That has nothing to do with you.

I don't believe you.

I don't either.

[ TV reporter ] Amanda is beginning to gather strength as it continues its journey in the Atlantic.

It's currently a category two hurricane.

The hurricane is continuing its push toward the northwest, and that means the coastlines of Georgia and South Carolina...

He'll make it.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

That's it right there. Yep.

Oh, my God, that's Carl. Carl ?

My husband.

Surprise, sweetheart. Who's this?

I know it's not the guy you're trying to sell the place to, 'cause I got an injunction.


[ Scoffs ] This is so fake.

You can't even get an injunction that fast, all right?

What are you doing this to me for? Carl.

I have to get back pretty soon, so-- This is my place, okay?

I bought it with my money. Your place?

Yeah. For chrissakes, Sarah, we're married.

You wanna sell the place? That's fine, we'll sell the place.

You can send the money down to your kid if that's what your worried about.

Now, come on.

Come on, angel. You got no place else to go.

I'm not going, Carl.

You ungrateful bitch.

What? Hey. Hold on.

Nobody's talking to you, my friend. Okay. Just cool it.

Sarah, get in the car. I'm not going, Carl. Forget it. Not going.

I said get in the car, now! No, I'm not getting in the car!

[ Carl ] Goddamn you. Hey, what's your problem?

You sleep with her and you think that means something?

You don't know what you're talking about. Don't you tell me--

[ Grunts ] Ohh!

[ Groans ] You all right? You okay?

Did you find my thumb? Get outta here, Carl.

Go! Go! You know, I got news for you, buddy.

You're just the next number on the list. Just go home, man.

You know what happened with her kid? What did she tell you?

Carl, don't. Carl, don't.

She let the dad raise him? Well, that's bullshit! Shut up.

The kid chose the father.

She was never even around.

But even a six-year-old can see.

You can't trust her.

Enjoy the ride, pal.

[ Engine starting, tires screeching ]

Hey, are you okay? Yeah.

[ Sobs ] Oh, Jesus. Now I can't even go see him.

Who? Your little boy?

[ Sobs ]


Why? Because of $25,000? Yeah.

Aw, Sarah.

I don't know anything about raising kids, but I don't think $25,000 is gonna win him over.

I think he wants to see you. [ Whimpers ]

[ Sniffles ]

Can't win him over. He obviously doesn't want what I have to offer.

[ Sighs ]

Sarah, you have the most incredible ability to make people absolutely crazy about you.

No, I have the ability to make people crazy.

That's what I can do really well.

[ Sighs ] Sarah, everybody loves you.

[ Chuckles ] You just...

You just think they're all wrong.

[ Sniffles ] When does your wedding start?

[ Chattering ]

[ Thunder rumbling ]


Seventeen minutes late. [ Thunder rumbling ]

Ben's usually very prompt.

You must be so very proud of him.

[ Knock on door ]

I hate to interrupt, but I think the hurricane may arrive before the groom.

Good Lord.

[ Sighs ]

Ben, where are you?

[ Both screaming ]

[ Panting ]

Look, we'll...

I just wanna get my bearings here for a second.

Okay. [ Exhales ]

[ Exhales ] Well. All right.

Two strangers arrive at a wedding. One invited, one is not.

And as the guests arrive and the appetizers are served, the true drama unfolds just minutes from the altar. [ Chuckles ]

I don't think I'm gonna be able to blurb my way out of this one.

Nope. Probably not.

Okay. All right.

I'm just gonna run in there and put a quick stop to this whole wedding thing, you know.

Maybe grab a few gifts on the way out.

You need anything? Bread maker? Um--

Cuisinart? No, no, I think I'm good.


You will be here when I come back, won't you?

Oh, well, you know me. [ Chuckles ]

I would not presume.

[ Exhales ] All right. Wish me luck.

Ben, do me a favor and just forget about luck, okay?

Forget about loyalty, forget about... being nice, forget about polite, okay?

Because this is the rest of your life and possibly somebody else's too.

Yeah. You know?


Just be honest.

If her father happens to shoot me on my way out, I guess I'll see you in heaven. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah. I don't think I deserve heaven.

Ah, Sarah.

You deserve so much more than you think.

You deserve to be with somebody who will be really, really depressed if your plane goes down.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Groans ]

[ Sniffles ]

[ Chattering ]

Hey, Ben. Hey, man, what happened to you?

[ Chattering ] What, did you go swimming?

Ben! Honey, honey, come on. I have to talk to you!

Dad, I can't right now. We just want to talk to you for a minute.

I can't right now! Benjamin ! Get in there!

All right, Benjamin. Barbara, please.

I want you to listen to your father.

Ben? We were thinking about... Yes. what you were telling us on the phone, and the thing is, nobody knows if it's gonna work out.

It's all a leap of faith.

It just so happened that in my case, I was lucky.

My heart told me to do something, I did it, and 32 years later, here I am.

Don't speak. You'll ruin the moment.

[ Guests shouting ]

You have got a lot of nerve!

Now, maybe this is how they treat women back in New York, but here in Savannah, we have a little more respect for the sanctity of marriage.

Oh, do you hear yourself? I am not talking to you, Virginia!

Where's Bridget? I want to marry her. Who the hell are you ?

Someone who gets to a wedding on time! Hi, we haven't met. I'm Ben.

Steve Montgomery. I used to go out with Bridget and I'm still in love with her.

Can I see your invitation? Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Excuse me! Somebody should be asking for your invitation, all right?

P.S., you shouldn't even be having a wedding!

I saw him in the hotel last night with some woman! Whoa! Hey, untrue!

They are just travel friends. And she's ugly!

[ Chatter, shouting ]

Why do you New Yorkers have to be so unpleasant?

I like New York. Put 'em up!

[ Shouting continues ]

Ben? Yeah?

Um, in about five minutes, we're supposed to be joined for eternity, and I was wondering... if you were gonna get dressed. [ Thunder rumbling ]

Well, if it's eternity, it can wait. [ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ]

No, no, I think technically eternity starts immediately, especially when there's ice sculpture involved.

Well, Bridge. Yeah.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

The truth is...

[ Sobs ] I'm sorry.

This always happens at weddings, you know? [ Sniffles ]

I'm sorry I took so long to get down here. Something happened.

It's okay. I know.

Debbie told me, and I told her that it didn't matter because I trusted you, and I knew you wouldn't cheat on me.

And then I threw up. But, um...everything else was going wrong.

Everything was going wrong, and my parents are separated, and then this guy Steve, who--

Bridge, you know what?

I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world.

And when you found that person, like the rest of the world just kind of magically faded away and the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble, but there is no bubble.

I mean, or if there is, we have to make it.

I just think that life is more than a series of moments, you know?

We can make choices, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are, and those are the real miracles.

Stop me when it just becomes glaringly obvious that I have no idea what I'm talking about. No, I know what you're talking about.

I do. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Farewell, Ben.

I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.

And when I saw you up there on the balcony, I fell in love with you all over again.

None of the plane crashes and the hurricanes and the other people will ever change that.

Because when I'm on my deathbed, I'm gonna know that I married the only woman I ever really loved.

I think you just wrote your vows.

[ Chuckles ]

I love you so much.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Shouting, clamoring ]

[ Virginia ] Get her out of the rain! Guys, hold on.

[ Shouting ] You guys, it's only rain.

All right, all right.

I'm okay. I'll be right back.

It's okay. Bridge! Bridget!

You wanna get married like this?

Let's go get married... under a waterfall in Hawaii!

Okay. Okay. Let's go.

* .Morning smiles

* .Like the face

* .Of a newborn child

* .Better said unknowing

* .Rejoicing

* .From the sight of a long lost friend *

* .Speaks to me of course

* .But I feel

* .I have nothing to give

* .I have so much to lose here *

* .In this lonely place

* .Tangled up in our embrace

* .It's nothing I'm not feeling how to fall *

* .Wind in tow

* .Grapes that flow trembling on the vine *

* .Nothing needs to shelter Don't hit my house, bad lightning.

You're gonna burn us down!

[ Both Laughing ] * .But I feel

* .I have nothing to give

[ Ben ] Well, there's one quote that pretty much sums it up.

It's from a bishop in the 16th century. [ Laughing ]

He said, "Marriage has less beauty, "but more safety than the single life.

"It's full of sorrows and full of joys.

"It lies under more burdens, "but it is supported by all the strengths of love.

And those burdens are delightful."

* .I have nothing to give

[ Ben ] Sometimes the people we meet change us forever.

I've never forgotten Sarah, and I'm pretty sure I never will.

Wherever she is, I really hope she's happy.

In the end, all you can do is commit to the people you love, hope for a little luck and some good weather.

* .Hearts gone astray

* .Keeping hurt when they go

* .I went away

* .Just when you needed me so

* .You won't regret

* .I'll come back begging you

* .Don't you forget

* .Welcome love we once knew

* .Yeah

* .Where life's river flows no one really knows *

* .You're someone left to show the way to lasting love *

* .Like the sun it shines Endlessly it shines *

* .You always will be my eternal love *

* .Whenever love went wrong ours would still be strong *

* .We'd have our own everlasting love *

* .This love will last forever *

* .This love will last forever *

* .Open up your eyes Then you'll realize *

* .You've always been my everlasting love *

* .Need you by my side Come and be my bride *

* .Never be denied everlasting love *

* .From the very start Open up your heart *

* .Feel the love you got everlasting love *

* .Everlasting love

*[ Funk ]

* .If you're dumb and confused *

* .And you don't remember

* .Who you're talking to

* .Concentration

* .Just seems to fade

* .'Cause your baby is too far away *

* .There's a rose in a fisted glove *

* .And the eagle flies with the dove *

* .And if you can't be with the one you love *

* .Honey, love the one you're with *

* .Don't be angry

* .Don't be sad

* .Don't sit quiet

* .Good times you had

* .'Cause there's a girl

* .Right next to you

* .She's just waiting

* .For something to do

* .There's a rose in a fisted glove *

* .And the eagle flies with the dove *

* .And if you can't be with the one you love *

* .Honey, love the one you're with *

* .Do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do *

* .Do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do *

* .Do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do *

* .Turn your heartache

* .Right into stone

* .'Cause she's a girl

* .A girl alone

* .So get it together

* .And you can fight

* .You're not gonna need any more good-bye *

* .There's a rose in a fisted glove *

* .And the eagle flies with the dove *

* .And if you can't be with the one you love *

* .Honey, love the one you're with *