Foul Play (1978) Script

Good night, John.

Good evening, Your Excellency. Good evening, Mrs. Russel.

Did the...? Did the meeting go well?

Oh, very well, indeed.

In fact, I feel certain now that the opera gala will be a triumph.

Isn't that marvelous? It's so exciting, so ecumenical, so...

Precisely. Good night, Mrs. Russel.

Good night, Your Excellency.


Perfect. Is that a shot? Thank you.

Janet, hi! Hi, how are you?

Hello, how are you? You look so lovely.

Thank you. Congratulations on your...

And I have no intention...

Excuse me.

Uh-oh. There we go. My fault. Very much my fault.

Hey, come over here. I wanna talk to you.

Sit down. Now, what's this about you leaving?

I wanna take a ride along the coast, and then I have to get back to the city.

And don't worry. I promise I'll be here for your wedding.

You better. I need you. So, what's going on tonight?

Oh, nothing special. I'm gonna go to a movie.

By yourself? Yes.

Gloria, this has got to stop.

Just because you've had one bad experience doesn't mean that you give up.

I haven't given up. I came to this party, didn't I?

Ever since the divorce, you lock yourself in that library and hide behind those glasses. Look at you.

You used to be a cheerleader. You used to show some cleavage.

What? Let's see some skin.

Shake your booty, take some chances.

What are you playing, old maid? I'm not playing anything.

That's the trouble.

OK. OK, I get the message. Sure, you do.

Now, take tonight. Why don't you go out there and mingle, pick someone... Oh, just a second.

She's right, you know. What?

Nice party. Lot of chances.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that eavesdropping is not nice?

My single worst problem as a child.

I'll never forget my mother and parole officer getting together with the priest and discussing the difficulties I had... Excuse me. I've gotta go.

You're gonna love this. Hey, come on, I'm sorry. I was just kidding around.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Yes, and it seems to be in your mouth.

OK, I deserve that. But listen, it's Gloria, right?

You're a really nice girl, and I'm a nice guy, and you're very pretty with or without cleavage and...

What do you say?

Would you like to take a shower?

I don't pick up strange men. Well, that's your problem.

So why don't you try it?

When you go for it Well...

Hi. Thanks.

I'm really in a bind. I've gotta be in the city by 5.

Well, I'm going to... Thanks.


What was wrong with your car? Radiator.

Oh, too bad. Do you live in the city?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

So do I. It's fun, isn't it? Yeah.

Looks like we might have some rain.

Of course, you never know with San Francisco weather.

One day it's wet and foggy, and three hours later it's bright sunshine.

What's your name? Gloria.

That's a pretty name. Thank you.

Mine's Bob Scott. Everybody calls me Scotty.

Nice to meet you. It's really nice to meet you.

It's not every day I get rescued by a girl in a yellow convertible.

Cigarette? No, thanks. I don't smoke.

Yeah. I'm trying to give them up myself.

You'll live longer. Yeah.

That's my plan.

Come on, Gloria. It'll be fun. Oh, I don't know.

Look, I'll meet you in front of the theater.

Where'd you say it was? The Nuart on Union Street.

Come on, Gloria, take a chance.

What have you got to lose? I'll buy the popcorn.

Oh, all right. But it is a retrospective, you know.

Hey, I love old movies.

Damn it. Three left.

Gloria, do me a favor.

Would you hold these for me till this evening?

I'm trying to keep it down to a pack a day.

OK, if it'll help. It will be a big help, believe me.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I'll just put them in your purse.

Gee, gotta run.

See you at the movies. Eight o'clock sharp.

Well, hello, there. I didn't think you were gonna make it.

I know, the weather's awful outside.

That's why I bought my ticket and came on in.


Oh, I don't think they let you smoke in here, Scotty.

Here, have some popcorn.

Go ahead, take it. I'm finished.

The film. Oh, well, you haven't missed much.

You see the man in the overcoat?

He's waiting for the Chinese sailor, the one Alan Ladd thinks kidnapped the old gypsy.

But the secretary told the cab driver that...

Wait a minute.

There's going to be a murder.

Oh, I'm sure of it.

The police... Contact the police.

Well, actually, the cab driver is with the police.

Except the Chinese sailor doesn't know that.


The Dwarf.

Beware of The Dwarf.

Gee, Scotty, I don't think there is a dwarf in this movie.

Scotty? Are you all right? Scotty?

Come quickly! There's a man dead in there!

Where? In there!

I'm sorry. You'll have to see the manager.

Where is he? In his office.

But I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Handsome Harry... Are you the manager?


Quickly. A man's been killed!

Killed? What? Where? In there!

Stop the film. Call the police.

Fred, turn off the projector. Put on the houselights.

Quickly, come with me. Not in my theater.


All right! OK!

He's gone. What the hell is this?

I mean, my date. He was right here. Who?

My date. He was right here. I swear.

Your date is the one who's supposed to be dead?

Yes. He was sitting right next to me. I gave him my popcorn. Where is it?

OK. All right, lady. Just come with me.

All right! We'll have it on in a minute. You've got to believe me.

Yeah. Did you see my date?

Look, we'll talk about it in the lobby, huh?

I believe you, really. Did you see my date? Did you...?

Come on. We'll talk in the lobby. OK!

All right!

You tell Fred to start that projector and bring down those houselights!

You've gotta believe me!

Lady, you made a fool out of me in there!

I saw you out front.

You didn't have any date. No, he came in late.

He was all wet and bleeding.

Sylvia. Where you going, honey?

Look, I'm sorry, Harry. Intermission's in 20 minutes, and I gotta go warm up the weenies.

But, Sylvia... Sylvia.

He said, "Beware of the dwarf."

Dwarf? Listen...

...why don't you do me and you a great big favor.

Why don't you just go home and sleep this whole thing off.

I don't understand. He was dead.

I don't know what could have happened to him.

Listen. You shouldn't go to picture shows like this and smoke that stuff if it's gonna affect you the way it does, huh?


Oh, Mr. Hennesey. It's you.

Whatever happened to you, my darling?

You look like you've seen the dead. I have.

In that case, come inside. Tell me about it.

We'll have a nice hot cup of tea.

But it was so real. And that warning about the murder was so sinister.

Well, my darling, Gloria, people just don't drop dead in cinemas, watching horror movies and whispering, "Look out for the elf."

It was, "Beware of the dwarf."

Well, whatever. He was playing a prank, that lad.

So you shouldn't take it so seriously.

Well, he did act rather strangely. Well, you see?

So you don't think I should call the police?

The police? Whatever for?

I don't know. I just have this strange feeling that somebody's trying to kill me.

To kill you? Well, you gonna call the police and tell them that you have a strange feeling?

I mean, they got killings of their own to worry about, you know?

You're probably right.

They have killings and executions and assassinations.

I think it's time we made "murder" a four-letter word.

Would you have a cookie? OK.

They're good. Aren't they?

Well, when you've been an anthropologist as long as I have, you're working most of the time in the field.

You acquire what my old father used to call "culinary expertise".

I remember in Africa, in Kenya, I was studying the Ibutu tribe, fascinating society, and we could take a leaf from their book, if they had books.

But they did have this wizened old witch doctor, and his name was Kiyato, and he was a pretty good cook.

Here, I've got a picture of him. I'll show you.

Esme! Get away from those cookies! Esme, get away!

Get away from that! Hear?

Oh, poor Esme. You frightened her.

Well, she's getting too uppity.

She steals me out of house and home.

Don't you, you wicked girl? Don't you?

Where was I? Yes, the Ibutu.

This is a commendable society.

It has severe taboos on murder and light taboos on sex.

Thank you, Mr. Hennesey. You've been wonderful.

Well, you're my favorite tenant.

And if anything disturbs you in the middle of the night, you just scream and I'll be upstairs in a flash, kicking ass.

Good night, I'll remember that.


Pope Pius XIII, on the first leg of his American tour, today addressed a special meeting of the United Nations General Assembly in New York.

Stressing the urgency of world peace and international harmony, the smiling 72-year-old pontiff received a warm reception with the U.N. delegates frequently breaking into spontaneous applause during his speech.

New York is the first of five stops for His Holiness in this country.

He'll meet with the president and congressional leaders tomorrow in the nation's capital, then travel to Chicago and Los Angeles, with a final stop here in San Francisco, before flying on to Japan.

Vice president Abernathy arrives in Guam tonight, ready to begin talks tomorrow with foreign ministers of the now defunct SEATO pact.

The purpose of the new meetings is to establish a new framework...

You wanna have lunch today? Yeah.

Listen, I got a lot to tell you.

Oh, yeah? What? I'll tell you at lunch.

Really, Gloria. Do you know the percentage of rapes from hitchhikers?

Have you any idea? No.

Plenty. And look at you, with no protection.

Well, now, he didn't seem to be after sex.

Rape is not an act of sex.

Rape is an act of violence. Remember that.

Suppose that guy attacked you instead of pulling that weird stunt in the theater, huh?

What would you have done?

I would have hit him with my umbrella.

Talk about ancient.

Really, honey, you gotta drag yourself into the '70s.

You gotta get some merchandise.

You see this? It's called "The Screamer".

They make a grab for your tits, you just flick the switch.

Then you got your mace. Zap. Right in the face.

And finally, for infighting, the punch of power.

Crunch. Right in the nuts.

You certainly are prepared.

Nobody's gonna mess with Stella unless Stella wants to be messed.

I don't know, all this stuff...

Gloria, sweetheart, we live in a violent society. Weirdoes all around.

Get them before they get you.

Good night, Mrs. Monk. Oh, good night.

Taking your work home with you? Oh, yes.

I'm on to a fascinating sleuth, you know, research is so exciting.

Well, you're the best. Good night. Oh, well. Good night.

Oh, by the way, Gloria, I almost forgot.

While you were out to lunch, someone was inquiring for you.

He said he knew your pastor and would get in touch with you later.

A nice little man. You know, a dwarf.

Well, good night again.

Oh, you frightened me.

I thought you were a dwarf.

You gave me quite a shock. The library is closed.

Didn't you hear the bell? Oh, well. Doesn't matter.

Anyway, I've already locked the front. You can go out the back with me if you want, but I just have a few things to do before...

That way!

Take me home. What?

Take me home, please.


My place or...? Or yours? Which is closer?

Well, I have a little pad just around the corner.


Do you mind if I finish my drink? Oh, no! Please. Do you have to?

No. No, I don't have to, Miss...

Mundy. Gloria Mundy.

Moria Glun... Moria Glundy.

Can we go out the back way? The back way.

Fine with me, Gloria. Anything you say.

My name is Stanley Tibbets. Do you go to these bars often, Gloria?

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, human desire...

It's a fascinating thing. I mean, take me for instance.

I... I have an interesting job. I... I work for the city.

But every now and then... Couldn't we walk just a little faster?

Oh, you seem to be in a hurry. Not that I object.

I mean, God, any man would love a woman who lays it on the line.

Take, for instance, the average woman, who takes two weeks of dinners before you even get to first base.

I mean, I've been in America for two years, and...

Mr. Tibbets, please! Oh, call me Stanley.

Here it is, my own little beaver trap.

Oh, don't turn the lights on just yet.

I'll go and close the curtains.

Oh, sure thing, baby.

Anything you say.

How's that?

Oh, listen. I don't want you to think that I'm acting too strangely, but I have to...

No, no, no, no. No, I understand. Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you. Let me get you a drink.

That would be nice. Thank you. What would you like?

I've got it all.

I don't know.

Leave it to me. I know just the thing for your mood.

How about that music?

Fine. Great beat.

Yes. Hidden speakers. Quadraphonic.

Really? Yeah, I got it all.

Here we are, foxy loxy.

Gloria. Gloria.

Tastes like Tabasco. It's called Spanish fly.

I've never had it before.

Well, I know a few people... Spain.

What about that, then?

Look, Mr. Tibb... Stanley.

Stanley, I hope you don't mind that I stay here just a moment.

I just wanna make sure... No. No need for explanations.

Listen, as you say over here, "You're put on this world to do your thing."

"I'm put on this world to do my thing."

"And if, perchance, our things..."

"... do..."

"... meet..."

"... that's... That's groovy."

I just wanna look out the window. Fine. Fine.

Do you...? Do you mind if I make myself comfortable?

Huh? No. No!

Do you have any binoculars?

What'd you say? Binoculars?

Are you into that too? Me as well.

I read about it in Penthouse. Just a second.

Here you are, sweet thing.

Thank you. Anything you want, doll face.

I got it all.

OK, Gloria! What are we waiting for?

Oh, my God!

What's the matter, baby?

Well, what is this? What are you doing?

Why are you undressed?

I don't believe it! Did you think that I...?

Didn't you want to...?

Stanley, really.

Where did you get the idea that...? It was just a bit of fun.

You know, a... A few laughs.

What's this on the wall? That is... nothing.

It's... a training film. It's purely educational.

And what's over here? Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Did you...? Where did you find all this stuff?

I'm sorry, I don't do this very often.

I never knew there was such diversity.

Please come back! It's amazing, just amazing.

I got this for my nieces. Oh...

No, I... I borrowed it for a party. Here, here, let me do that for you.

Maybe I should call you a cab. Yes, please.

Mr. Hennesey?

Formal sentencing will be in two weeks.

It's expected he will be given the maximum penalty.

Continuing on his international goodwill tour, Pope Pius Xlll arrived today in Washington for an informal visit with the president.

The two talked for more than an hour, after which the pontiff was honored at a huge White House reception attended by what appeared to be nearly every major dignitary in the nation's capital... peace and universal brotherhood.

Next up, the vice president arrives in San Francisco.

But first, this message.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz Oh, what a relief it is Plop, plop, fizz, fizz Oh, what a relief it is

Come over here.

Where is it?

Where is it? What?

Lady... I don't want any trouble.

Just give me what Scott gave you yesterday.

But he gave me nothing.

What did he give you in the car?

I swear he gave me nothing except a pack of cigarettes.

Where are they? In my purse.

Where's your purse? Where?

Over there, on the couch.

OK, stay.


Hello? Police?

Oh, something terrible's happened. What?

A murder. I wanna report a murder.

Oh, all right, but hurry!

Hello? Yes.

A man broke into my apartment, and I think I've killed him!

Well, no.

No, it happened just now.

Just now, I came home and he was here.

What? What?

Oh, all right, I'll hold on, but hurry!

Gloria Mundy.

430 Vallejo, second-floor apartment. Please, come right away...

Oh, no!

No! No!

Hello. How you feeling?

You. What are you doing here?

They're from the police. Are you all right?

I'm inspector Ferguson, ma'am, and this is my sometime partner, Lieutenant Carlson.

They said you'd called about a murder.

I had to break the lock.

The body! Where's the body?

What body? The dead body!

It was right there! Didn't you see it?


And the phone...

And the window...

Oh, my God, it happened again.

What's happened again? Just like last night.

Just like in the movie theater. What?

The dead body. It's gone! It vanished!

Well, maybe it was embarrassed.

Come on in here. I think you better sit down.

But you don't understand. The body has disappeared.

Whose body was it? I don't know.

A man with a scar.

He tried to murder me, but I stabbed him with the needles.

Oh, narcotics, huh?

No, knitting. And...

Oh, I put them back in the basket.

And the poker too. Or did you do that?

Hey, relax.

All we did was get an emergency call on a homicide.

We got here, broke in the door with your landlord, and found you unconscious on the kitchen floor.

I carried you to the couch...

You carried me? Yes.

Thank you. You're welcome.

And you woke up insisting that there's a dead body around here.

Look, I know it sounds strange, but somebody cleaned the place up.

And took away the dead body? Right.

Wait a minute!

I've got it! It must have been the albino.

Who's the albino?

He's the one who killed the man with the scar.

You said you killed the man with the scar.

I did. Except he killed him after I killed him.

See, I didn't really kill him. I just stabbed him with the needles.

Right after he heard the cuckoo.

Oh, you don't believe me, do you?

But it's true. It really happened.

You believe me, don't you, Mr. Hennesey?

My darling, if you believe it, I believe it.

There's some very mixed-up people out there.

They're puny spirits with small minds.

Like that man told you in the movies last night, "Beware of the midgets. They're taking over the world."

Mr. Hennesey, he didn't. He said, "Beware of the dwarf!"

A dwarf?

Well, whatever. Now, you're not to worry about anything.

I'm here to make sure that you're safe. In fact...

...I'm going to put a brand-new lock on this door, right now.

A big one, yeah.

Oh, he doesn't believe me.

He thinks I've been dreaming or something.

Don't be silly.


...did you drop acid a little earlier tonight?

No. No, you don't understand! A man tried to kill me here tonight.

The albino? No, no!

The man with the scar? Yes!

See, the albino tried to kill me earlier, but I smashed him with my umbrella. Your umbrella?

I'd never met the man with the scar before.

Unless he's the one that was driving that black limousine.

Why did he wanna kill you?

Who? Man with the scar.

I'm not sure, but I think it was because of the cigarettes.

He wanted a cigarette, or...? No, he wanted the whole pack.

Kind of greedy.

The albino must have wanted the cigarettes too.

So he killed the man with the scar to get them.


And I'll bet he's the one who killed Scotty.

Scotty? Who's Scotty?

Look, Gloria...

...I know you've been through something here tonight, real or imagined. But I just wanna bring you down to earth a bit.

You gotta see how absurd this whole thing is.

We have no dead body, there's been no sign of violence.

Our suspects are albinos and chain-smokers.

Wait a minute! I've got it!

The albino is working for the dwarf.

I tell you, I've been on some dumb calls in my time, but this one tops them.

Where'd you meet this ding-dong, anyway?

What's all that stuff about having her for lunch down at the station house tomorrow?

You're not even supposed to be riding around with me.

It's fate, Fergie. Kismet. Kismet, my ass.

Listen, this girl is weird, Tony. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But she's got the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen.

Yeah, they're blue.

And behind those blue eyes is a fruitcake with a homicidal umbrella.

Wait a minute! What?

You have the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen.

Cut that out. I hate it when you do that.

Don't do that anymore, all right? Let's go, beautiful.

Gloria, I don't believe you.

How can you be so gullible?

You have got albinos chasing you down the street, prowlers breaking into your apartment. Don't you see?

They're only after one thing.

They wanna get into your pants. I don't think so.

And now you have this cop inviting you down to the station house on your lunch hour.

Do you think he's not gonna try for a little nookie?

He's really nice.

Gloria, I'm your friend, right? Right.

And I wouldn't steer you wrong, would I?


Take these.

Without them, you are a walking light bulb waiting to be screwed.

Let's see. One, two, five, six.


They used to have the most beautiful dude ranch near Phoenix.

"Happy Trails", I think they called it.

Of course, this was before the war.

Here we are, with a 13 and a Double Word Score.

That makes 26. Twenty-six.

Ever see that Arizona Highways?

Oh, it is the most beautiful magazine, isn't it?

Let me see, now...

One, two, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, four... 15.

Such lovely pictures. I wonder if they still put it out.

Why, I see them now and again at the library.

And here we go.

Eight, nine, ten, 11... And double that...

We have 15, we have 26, and double is...

Fifty-two! Wait, Elsie.

I think you're wrong.

I think you spell that word with a hyphen.


I was just taking a shot.

There she is!

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. They tried it again.

Gloria, just sit back and enjoy the fire.

I'm pouring you a nice, warm albino martini.

Here you go. Drink this, and it's off to bed.

You should have been a doctor.

OK, we'll play whatever you like.

Mind if I smoke? No, go right ahead.

You know, it's funny. My father was a doctor.

Wanted me to be one too. What happened?

Well, I went to medical school.

It was tough. All those books.

Then I joined the paramedics. That was tougher.

Besides... I always had a yearning for the criminal life.

But you're a cop. Same difference.

How's the milk? It's great.

Lieutenant... Tony.

I don't understand.

Last night, you didn't believe the story I told you, did you?

I believed that you believed it. What about tonight?

Did you believe I was kidnapped?

I know the address of the building they held me in.

It seems that... Look, I promise I'll check that out first thing in the morning.

And the license plate of the black limousine, 121 TCE.

Got it. Tony, I'm not lying.

No one thinks you are.

Why would anybody wanna kill me?


Come on.

You're safe here.

I checked all the windows and the doors, everything.

You trust me, don't you?

Here, finish your milk.

Good girl. Full?

Feel better, don't you? Yes.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, I'm not working tomorrow. I'm home.


Would you like me to carry you to your bedroom?

No, thanks. I can walk.

OK, then I'm gonna take off.

Don't worry, Gloria.

If there really is somebody out there trying to kill you, I promise you, we'll find out who and why.

Well, the room checks out. Nobody up there.

Landlord said it's been empty for months.

It's rented on a yearly basis to a guy called... Stiltskin.


I've heard that name somewhere before.

Oh, no.

I thought when you were suspended, I'd have a three-week vacation.

I was framed.

You're lucky you've still got your badge.

Arresting the mayor for speeding and then cuffing him.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm telling you, he was wearing eye makeup.

Get out of here!

Hey, listen, this is serious.

What was that story, wasn't too long ago, about a guy named Stiltskin?

You been talking to Donahue?

No, why?

You know this guy?

Yeah, I've seen him around. Works undercover, right?

He did. His name's Bob Scott.

And we just fished his body out of the bay.


Yeah, he was working on a tip that a major assassination is gonna take place here in the city, Thursday night.

Tomorrow night. The biggest hit man west of Chicago has been hired for the job.

His name is Stiltskin, Rupert Stiltskin.


Yeah, alias "The Dwarf".

Holy shit.

Oh, no. He's nice, really.

He brought me home last night, and...

And then he had the police bring my car back this morning.

Who is it? Special delivery.

Just a second, Stella. Somebody's at the door.

Miss Mundy? Yes.

Just a moment.

Hiya, toots.

I've been looking forward to this meeting for some time.

You... You're a dwarf. True, true.

J.J. MacKuen's my name, and life's my game.

Not life insurance, but life everlasting.


Oh, my God. Sure you are.

Please. If I'm gonna do this right, I've got to have your undivided attention.

She'll call you right back.

You... You're the dwarf.

Well, actually, we prefer to be called "little people".

It was you who was asking for me at the library.

True, true. But, unfortunately, our paths didn't cross.

No matter.

Today, I have brought with me a little present that my employer wants you to have.

And all that is required of you is to consider the possibility of coming closer to God.

Keep away from me!

Miss Mundy, why take this attitude?

I'm merely a salesman of the divine Word.

Look upon me as an instrument who will release you from the worries of the world and bring you the promise of eternal rest.

Keep away from me.

Miss Mundy... you believe in life after death?

Somebody help me!

Stop this thing!

Please, help! Oh, my goodness.

Gloria. Tony!

Gloria, what are you doing?

Did you see him? That was him. That was the dwarf.

That's who Scotty told me about.

He tried to kill me.

Oh, I knew he was out to get...

"The new American Bible. The translation you can believe in."

"J.J. MacKuen."

Oh, he was a Bible salesman?

You mean I...?

That's right, honey.

You have attacked an innocent dwarf.

X-ray technician, please call extension...

Mr. MacKuen?

It's Gloria Mundy.

Who? Remember me?

You came to see me this morning.


How are you feeling?


Thanks for the flowers.

Oh, that's all right.

My pleasure.

Here, I bought you some more.

I felt it was the least I could do.

I'm awfully sorry.

Well, I was thinking of leaving the job anyway.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I never should have taken it.

I'm too pushy. I annoy people. That's my personality.

And you can't move merchandise like that anymore.

They... They look like lovely Bibles to me.

Oh, they're top quality.

It's me that's no good.

I come off too strong.

Well, you did give me quite a shock.

You don't have to apologize.

I'm a putz.

Oh, no, Mr. MacKuen.

I think you're being a little hard on yourself.

Well, maybe everything will turn out for the best.


I always feel that you can see a positive side to everything.

Yeah. I was thinking of opening up a gas station in the desert and I think you helped me make up my mind.

I'm so glad I could help.

Oh, no!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just gonna kill a fly.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess I better be going. OK.

I'll come back tomorrow after work.

Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'm gonna be out of here by tomorrow.


All right.

Well, it was nice meeting you again. Bye.

Oh, that poor little man.

To think that I was responsible, that I was capable, that all that violence is within me.

Yeah, I know.

And lucky for him, you didn't have your umbrella.

Come on, let's go. Tony's waiting for you at the station.

Gloria, I need your help.

Somebody's gonna be murdered tomorrow night, and we gotta prevent it.

I want you to take a look at something.

You recognize these people? That's the man with the scar.

Right. That's the albino.

Right, his name is Whitey Jackson.

I don't know. That's Rupert Stiltskin, alias "The Dwarf". He's the head of the assassination team.

Scarface wanted to double-cross his buddies and gave Scotty some evidence about tomorrow's job.

They found out about it, killed Scotty.

Scarface wanted to protect himself.

Tried to get the evidence back.

But they were onto him. They killed him.

So the evidence was in the cigarette package that Scotty gave me.

Right. Well, but they took the cigarette pack when they took Scarface's body.

Right. Then what do they still want me for?

I don't know, but they do.

And that's why I've been assigned to protect you.

You have?

Well, what does that entail?

The usual.

We move into your house, set up a round-the-clock surveillance and send out for pizza.

I traced the number on that black limousine.

Great! What is it?

You're not gonna like it.

It's registered to the archbishop of San Francisco.

Fancy layout.

Yes? Lieutenant Carlson, ma'am.

Is Archbishop Thorncrest in?

Just wanna ask him a couple of questions.


Won't you please come in?

That's right.

We really expect almost everyone to be seated when the motorcade arrives.

Of course.


Well, thank you. And thank you so much for calling.


Good afternoon.

Good afternoon. I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm Lieutenant Carlson. This is Inspector Ferguson.

This is Miss Mundy.

Very happy to meet you. Please, sit down.

Now, what is it I can do for you?

We're investigating a black limousine...

Oh, you found the car.

Good news.

Did you catch that rascal, Turk? Who?

Turk Farnum, the man who stole the car.

Don't tell me he got away.

We've had no report that the car was stolen.

No report? But yesterday I...

Miss Casswell? I'm sorry, Your Excellency.

I thought I'd give him one more day to come back.

After all, he's such a... Really, Miss Casswell.

The car has been gone two days.

Now, I think somewhere we have to draw the line on christian charity.

Could you describe this Turk?

Large, heavyset. Bald?

Yes. He came to us as a chauffeur about...

What was it? Three months ago? Yes.

From St. Damien's halfway house.

You see, he's an ex-convict.

We'd have a file on him.

What's his present address? He lived above the garage.

Miss Casswell, why don't you show the lieutenant Turk's quarters.

Maybe they'll come up with something.

Yes, Your Excellency. Would you come this way, please?

Miss Casswell, then come right back here.

I want to have a word with you.

He was such a nice man.

A little simple, perhaps. But then, he had very little education.

You see, no one was ever kind to him.

Throughout his whole life, no one had ever given him a chance.

There's nothing around here, Tony. OK.

Miss Casswell, does the name Stiltskin mean anything to you?

No. How about Whitey Jackson?

Is he that football player that wears the pantyhose on television?



Now the shit has really hit the fan.

Oh, Stella, he's not like that at all.

I like him. How's he feel about you?

- I think he likes me. Oh.

That's OK. If they say "I like you", it's not so bad.

It's when they say "I love you" that you gotta watch out.

Listen, I have to go.

Just have Mrs. Monk see what she can come up with.

They've never heard of it around here.

OK, Gloria. Be careful.

- Bye. Bye.

Mrs. Monk, what do you know about the Tax the Churches League?

Well, I'm calling it a day.

Any more news on Turk?

We've checked everything on his file. All known associates, places he frequents, clubs, bars... Nothing so far.

Well, I just asked my girlfriend at the library to find out about the Tax the Churches League.

That's a funny group for Turk to belong to.

Hey, I play detective. You play lady in distress.

Hey, wait a minute. It's my ass they're after.

I'm sorry. You're right.

That was a stupid, glib, chauvinist remark and I apologize.

It is your ass they're after, and it's my job to see to it that I get there first.

What do you say to two juicy steaks and a bottle of wine?

Well, you could start by saying "hello".

I'm gonna take you home.

OK, Fergie, listen. If anything should come up, you know where to get ahold of me. Right. Good night.

Hey, this is the way to the bridge.

I thought you said you were gonna take me home.

I did.

My home.

Oh, you're really full of surprises.

I never met anybody who ever lived on a houseboat before.

That's fantastic.

Well, my brother built it, and when he got married, I moved in.

It's so beautiful here.

Yeah, on a clear day you can see Alcatraz.

How nice.

Be careful here. It's very slippery at night on the gangplank. OK.

Hold onto something. OK.

You OK?

Nice fire. I just turned on the switch.

Come here. Hey. Hi, little one.

Hi, little dog. Hey, Chaucer, what do you think?

You play your cards right and she'll take you out for a sea-gull dinner.

Chaucer and I, we've been getting along just great.

Yeah, he likes you. He told me all about Monica.

How do you know about Monica?

I think this is for you.

What is that?

"Darling, you are out of eggs and cottage cheese."

"I'll pick them up tomorrow. Love, Monica."

Oh, that Monica. She's my maid.

She sounds very efficient.

She's terrific.

She comes in twice a week and really clears the decks.

Trims the sails?

Blows the pipes.

How long has she been doing all this?

Well, she won't be back.

Monica drowned this morning, and...

Just like that, huh? Yeah.

I think we both knew it was coming, and it was kind of sad for both of us.

Good shot.

How about a joint?

No, thanks.

You sure? You know what they say, "Cops have the best dope."

No, I don't do that anymore.

I don't think it's necessary.


Just testing.

Never touch it myself.

Not me, nope.

You're funny.

And you have the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen.

They're blue. Drink your milk.

So go on.

What happened after the divorce?

Nothing. I went back to the library to work...

...and I guess I did become kind of a hermit.

My girlfriend Sally, she's getting married on Saturday.

Oh, you know her. The one at the party.

Oh, yeah. The one that kept telling you to start taking chances.

Right. Look what happens.

Oh, it didn't work out so bad.

I almost got killed.

Well, yeah, but you met some pretty interesting people.


I guess you can't trust first impressions.

What does that mean?

Well, when I first met you -

I thought you were a bore. Yeah?

What about before that? Before that?

Yeah, when you first saw me.

I thought you were a klutz.

And what about before that?

Before...? Yeah, when you very first laid eyes on me. What were you thinking?

I thought you...

I thought you had a nice smile.

You did?

What else?


I thought you were cute.

What else?


What did you think of me when you first met me?

When you first laid eyes on me?

I thought...

I thought you had a nice smile.

What else?

I thought you were cute.

Extremely cute.

What else?

I thought it would be nice to kiss you.

Me? Yeah, you.

Me too. You did?

Then? Right then?

Thought it would be nice to kiss you.


You should always trust your first impressions.

You know something?

I'm really glad that you were assigned to protect me.

I do my job pretty well.

You do your job very well.

Thank you.

Hey, Chaucer, how you doing?

That's a boy. Go on. Go make breakfast.

Good morning.

Good morning.

You look very pretty.

Come here.

I could get used to this. Me too.


Hi, Fergie.


All right, tell Coleman I'll be there right away.

Listen, you meet me at Gloria's.

I want you to stay with her all day.

Right. Bye.

Come on. I'm taking you home. I have to go to work today.

No, you're not. Fergie's gonna stay with you all day.

We may have a lead. I think they got Scarface.

What's happening?

Recognize the corpse? Scarface?

Yeah, we found him over there.

An early-morning fisherman spotted him.

Anything on the body? Nothing.

I guess it's back to basics.

Search the area, try to find some witnesses, huh?

Yeah, Morgan's on that.

I don't mind telling you, Tony, that this one's got me scared.

An assassination is gonna take place tonight, and we're digging up nothing on nothing.

I know.

There's gotta be something somewhere.

What is it? What's the clue?

What have we overlooked?

I thought Sergeant Ferguson was supposed to be here.

He was. Well, why is it...?



Come on.

We'll get you out of here. How about that, huh?

How'd you like to take a little bath? Would you like that?

How'd you like a little soak in the bathtub?

What do you think? Oh, my darling. My dear.

I'd have never had me a daughter, but if I did, I'd want her to be you.

Oh, Mr. Hennesey, that's sweet.

Well, this is my bridesmaid's dress.

And look, I just do that and goodbye, bridesmaids, and I'm ready for a night out on the town.

I think I'd rather see you as a bride.

I'm working on it. Come on. Gonna take a little swim.



Yes, if Tony wants me to, I'll be there.

What's the address?

If it's that important, I'll come right away.

What? Bring my umbrella?

But it's beautiful outside.



He hung up.

I wasn't trying anything. I just told her what you told me to tell her.

Watch your mouth. Watch it.


Anybody here?



Run, Gloria. It's a trap!

Let go of me!

She got away. Oh, goddamn it.

Get her.

Hello there, can I help you?

Just a minute. We're having a special today.

A rub in a whirlpool. No, no. Listen...

Pay for one and you get one free.

Excuse me. This will just take a second.

Take your time, pussy pie.

We've got all day for an afternoon's delight.

I feel the earth move Under my feet I feel the sky tumbling down A-tumbling down I just lose control Oh, sing it, Stanley, baby.

Down to my very soul I just...

Oh, my God, it's you.

Why? Why are you following me?

Why? What have I ever done to you?

Stanley! What are you doing here?

Never mind. You've gotta help me. Oh, please.

Please, don't tell anybody you saw me here. It's my first time.

I swear. I'll never do it again. I promise.

Be quiet.

What's so bad, anyway?

I didn't do anything.

I never do anything.

Stanley, listen to me. You've gotta help me.

Help you? I don't know this place.

But it's a matter of life and death. It's very important.

What do you want me to do?

Hey, give me that.

There's a phone out by the pool.

Go out there and call the police.

The police?

Oh, my God, the police? Yes, tell them to get here right away.

Tell them to raid the place. A raid?

You want me to go and call for a raid? Are you crazy?

Do you know what they would do to me?

The headlines. Hey!

Listen. Many lives are in danger. My life, your life.

There are men out there who are killers.

What? But why me? They don't know me.

I'm not even using my real name.

Take this dime. Now, get out there and call the police.

You don't have to be here when they get here.

Go on. Go and I'll keep an eye on your clothes.

But I can't do it.

God. Never do it again.


Yeah, well...

Yeah, I'd like to see...

Could you get me the police?


It's a matter of life and death. Tell Tony Carlson! Tell Lieutenant...

Hey, hey. What's...?

What are you doing here?


This is what you want? All right.

Thank you very much.

Anything from the FBI? No, nothing.

How about the C.I.I.? Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing on nothing. This is just great.

Are you Tony Carlson, the cop friend of Gloria's?

Yes. Well, we found this file at the library on the Tax the Churches League.

I thought I would bring it over.

It has some pictures there, and Gloria felt maybe it would help...

Wait a minute.

This is Miss Casswell.

No, I think that's Delia Darrow.

It says there that she and her husband founded the league and then in 1963 were sent to prison.

They tried to kidnap the Reverend Billy Graham. Where's Gloria?

Dickinson, find out everything you can on this Delia Darrow.


Really, I don't know what happened. I wasn't doing anything.

Really. Look, I've never been to one of those places before.

I thought it was a health club.

What weirdoes. Look, thanks for coming by.

It's the first real lead we've had today.

I will tell Gloria. She's back at the house.

No, she's not.

I spoke with her landlord, and he said that she left this morning to meet you.

What are you talking about?

That's what he told me. I expected to see her down here.

Hey, what... Where you going?

I didn't... I didn't know what sort of place it was.

Who cares? Look, of course I paid the money, but I wanted a massage. I had this bad back.

I've got this pain up and down here. All I wanted was a little...

Hey, watch those hands, buster.


Didn't you get the address? No.

She just said Fergie called and told her to meet you.

Come to think of it, she was a little puzzled when he told her to bring her umbrella.

Damn it, I should have stayed with her.

Do you think she's been kidnapped by this fellow, Stiltskin?

I'm sure of it. But I think I know where to begin looking.


If Gloria's in trouble, I'm going with you.

No way. I can't be responsible for your safety too.


Oh, shit!

Black belt, 1945.

OK, but hurry up, we haven't got much time.

We've gotta get to the archbishop's. Esme.

You be a good... Esme!

How many times have I told you? Do not eat the cigarettes!

Come on, let's go.

Right. Do you think Gloria's at the archbishop's?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Hello, Turk. Been looking for you.

Very impressive. Jungle training.

Drag him in the bushes. Meet me around back.


What's that?

Must be that idiot, Turk.

God knows what's keeping him. We're late as it is.

You all right? Tony...

Tony, you gotta... You gotta stop them.

What? Stiltskin was hired to kill the pope.

The pope? At the opera tonight, before the reception.

And the archbishop too? That's not the archbishop.

They killed him. That's his twin brother.

His twin brother?

What about Gloria? Where is she?

They got her upstairs. I'm all right. Go on.

Don't move, lieutenant.

Drop the gun, or I'll shoot.

I don't get this. Stiltskin's dead. Police know all about you.

There's no way for your plan to work now.

They may know about Delia Darrow, and they may find out about Charlie here, but the plan is still gonna work.

The statement will be made.

Don't you think we should get out of here? Turk's disappeared.

What are we waiting around for? All in good time, Charlie.

It's only 6:45.

The quarry is just entering the trap.

You see, lieutenant, your relentless pursuit forced us to come up with a contingency plan.

It is foolproof.

If by the end of the first act the pope has not yet been dispatched, Whitey Jackson will open fire from the organ bay.

He will also fire if the pope unexpectedly leaves his seat or if the police arrive in the auditorium.

But why kill the pope? He means nothing to you.

He is a symbol, a symbol of the vast wealth and corporate power of the world's churches.

Like my dear, dead brother.

Always the good one...

...hiding behind the skirts of this sham called organized religion...

...whose sole aim is to rob true spirituality of its life...

...and perpetuate an implacable authority.

Shut up, Charlie. Don't excite yourself.

My brother.

Is this a stable?

Or is it a palace for the prince of the church?

In the past, people rose up and slaughtered their kings.

Tonight's the beginning of a revolution long overdue.

Ten years ago, we attempted a peaceful campaign for the taxation of these billion-dollar corporations.


...they support the economic system.

And so the economic system supported them.

We were attacked, laughed at...

...and finally imprisoned.

But it was there, in those hellholes, where the mind is bound and the spirit is shackled, that we realized that the single most effective way to bring about radical change is the historically proven path...

...of violence.

Oh, Mr. Hennesey...

She was one tough old mama.

Come on. We gotta get to the opera house!

But the opera house is clear across town, and it's already past 7.

The opera must have already started.

If you want to know who we are We are gentlemen of Japan On many a vase and jar On many a screen and fan

We figure in lively paint Our attitude's queer and quaint Call Coleman. Tell him to have all units in the vicinity meet me outside the opera house.

On no account are they to take any action until I arrive.

Take care of Fergie. You might need this.

It's 7:15! We'll never make it! We'll make it.

Tony, this is a one-way street! Son of a bitch!

Look out!

And all is right as right can be Right as right Can be

This stern decree You'll understand Caused great dismay Throughout the land For young and old And shy and bold Were equally affected The youth who winked a roving eye Or breathed a non-connubial sigh Was thereupon condemned to die He usually objected Objected, objected He usually objected


Uh-oh, look out!

Watch out!

- Mamma mia! Luigi! Are you all right?

I'm OK. OK, come on. Let's get outta here.

Are you crazy?! It's all right, everybody! It's OK!

Nobody's hurt! It's an emergency! You crazy?! My Luigi...

You break my restaurant! I'm a police officer.

Are you crazy?! Don't worry. Enjoy your dinner!

Nothing to worry about!

There's nothing to... I am a police officer. It is an emergency.

We must leave. We'll give back the telephone...

Police! Police! Luigi! It's a very large order. Big order.

- Large order. They're breaking my ristorante!

Hey, you! Look, I'm a police officer.

I gotta get to the opera house, and you gotta drive me.

Far out! Great, yeah. Get in the front, Gloria.

It's a life-and-death situation, so move over, buddy.

Everything is quite correct All is quite correct

And so we straight let out on bail A convict from the county jail Whose head was next On some pretext Condemned to be mown off And made him Headsman For we said

"Who's next to be decapited Cannot cut off another's head"

"Until he's cut his own off His own off, his own off"

Far out!

Far out.

Three little maids from school are we Pert as a schoolgirl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee Three little maids from school Everything is a source of fun Nobody's safe for we care for none Life is a joke that's just begun

Far out.

Far out.

Hold it! Stop! Police!

Hey, what happened here? Yeah. Big accident over there.

I'm with the police. We need some assistance. You wanna help us out?

Sure, no problem. Follow that cowboy. He's with...

He's with the FBI. Gloria, get in.

Hey! Hey, wait! Wait! Wait!

Tony! Hello.

Tony, there's an old couple back there. They don't speak any English.

They just arrived in America.

That's great. Just tell them to hold on tight. I can't stop now.

Three little maids from school Three little maids who all unwary Come from a ladies' seminary Freed from its genius tutelary Three little maids from school Three little maids from school

One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum Two little maids in attendance come Three little maids is the total sum Three little maids from school

So you see? There's nothing to worry about.

Everything is gonna be all right. We're perfectly safe.

Tony, here, he's a policeman. You know, a cop?

You know, bang, bang, like Kojak? Kojak?

What? Kojak? Bang, bang?

Right! Right! Kojak!



Your revels cease Assist me, all of you Why, who is this whose evil eyes Rain blight on our festivities I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Pooh

Oh, fool, to shun delights That never cloy Go, leave thy deadly work undone

...our joy advance

- With laughing song and merry dance With laughing song and merry dance Then let the throng Our joy advance With laughing song and merry dance With laughing song...

OK, now, when we get inside, I want you to point out the albino.

You're the only one who's seen him, he may wear a disguise.

Oh, God! He'll be in one of the two organ bays, won't he?

That's what the lady said. Look out. Hold on.

You guys, come on!

Oh, it was very nice meeting you. Bye.

- Sayonara. Sayonara.

Kojak! Bang, bang!

Tell Morgan I'm here. You check with security. Let's go.

You two stick with us. Come on.

In vain for mercy On your knees you'll sue Lieutenant Carlson from the police...

I'll tear the mask from your disguising Now comes the blow Prepare yourself for news surprising How foil my foe?

You two, come with me. Get those out.

No minstrel he, despite bravado Open it.

- I know He is the son of your...

Must be on the other side. You stay here till we get him.

You guys come with me. Come on.

Tony! Tony! Help! Help! Tony!

Where does this go? To the grids, backstage.

Tell Coleman to meet me backstage. You come with me.

Of your...

The son of your...

Ye torrents roar, ye tempests howl Your wrath outpour with angry growl Do ye your worst, my vengeance call Shall rise triumphant over all We'll hear no more, ill-omened owl To joy we soar, despite your scowl The echoes of our festival Shall rise triumphant over all Prepare for woe Ye haughty lords At once I go Mikado-wards Away you go Collect your hordes Proclaim your woe In dismal chords We do not heed their dismal sound For joy reigns everywhere around We do not heed their dismal sound For joy reigns everywhere around The echoes of our festival Shall rise triumphant over all

- Shall rise triumphant over all Shall rise triumphant Triumphant over all Shall rise triumphant over all My wrongs with vengeance Shall be crowned We do not heed their dismal sound For joy reigns everywhere around We do not heed their dismal sound We do not heed their dismal sound For joy reigns everywhere around

- My wrongs with vengeance... We do not heed their dismal sound For joy reigns everywhere around

Lower the curtain. And bring that other thing down.

Take this. Get them down.

You really took a chance up there. I know.

You all right? I'm perfect.

Bring up the curtain, bring up the curtain!

Can't you hear that applause?