Four Lions (2010) Script

Yeah?

(Barry) No, sit properly like you're gonna mean it, like you mean it.

No, Waj, don't muck about.

Cos the battery's gonna go. Sit...

Who's mucking about, Barry? I'm not mucking about.

Well, you can't sit like that.

What's wrong with how he's sitting, Barry?

(Barry) Come and have a look. It's wrong.

There's nothing wrong with it.

(Barry) Not you! (Waj) Show me.

(Barry) No! Right, what are you looking at?

There's nothing there.

No, there's nothing there. Go and sit down.

You can't see yourself, you mug! (Waj) I thought you were recording it.

(Barry) Right, sit, sit.

Faisal, go away. I'm ready, I'm ready.

(Barry) All right. Waj, just relax your face.

Focus on what you're going to say. Get on with it.

Go, before the battery goes. (Omar) One, two...

Three... action!

Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.

I'm gonna turn you baked beans... (Barry) No, no, no.

What? What's with the gun?

Proper replica, man. What for? Action Man?

Replica AK-47.

It's too small, man. Not too small, brother.

My hands. Waj...

Big hands.

He can't do it with that gun.

Shut up, Barry. Try it without, our kid, and let's go.

It's too small, believe me.

I'll hold it near the camera. That'll bigger it.

That'll what? That'll bigger it.

(Waj) Yeah. (Omar) Go now.

Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.

(Barry) No, no, no! This is absolutely stupid.

These are the outtakes. You know, the bloopers.

He looks good. (Omar) Today is a wake-up call.

Today is an opportunity for you to look in the mirror at western imperialist culture.

Superficial materialism ends at the capitalist church of McDonald's.

Flipping idiots.

It's as though you just had a Big Mac, completely oblivious to the amount...

Complete flipping idiots.

You could've gone Chicken Cottage, proper halal, bargain bucket £6.99.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about Chicken Cottage.

There's one where he doesn't say that. Your bit's good, Dad.

(Barry) Take the box off.

I can't show my face cos it's an image.

And images aren't allowed.

You know what? They're all bloopers.

(Barry) Take the box off.

What am I going to do if he does that at the camp?

Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?

(Barry) You can't do your jihadi video with a box on your head.

No way.


Ran 23K on the weekend.

6K Saturday morning.

Had a light lunch: Snack-a-Jacks and a medium apple.

5K in the afternoon, cos obviously it was after lunch, so...

Same again Sunday.

Although in the afternoon I only did 4K cos I'd had a roast.

Would've gone further, you know, but I started to run a bit lopsided.

I'm not slagging my right leg off, but my left leg is definitely stronger.

I think lefty just wants it more, you know.

Right leg's bone idle.

He'll just wait there, let lefty pick up the slack.

Before you know it, you're running in curves.

I'm going to have to put my foot down, you know.

Really show him who's boss. Yeah. Know what I mean?

You do know you can talk to your legs, don't you?

I need tomorrow off. What?

I need tomorrow off, and the two weeks after that.

Jesus, I thought you were serious about this job, Omar.

I've got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.

You've got to ask yourself where you'll be in five years' time.

It's an emergency. What, an emergency wedding?

Like a shotgun wedding?

Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.

Right.

Well, I'll have a look at the rota.

(Barry) The Feds can track your phone even if the battery's out.

(Faisal) Really? Really. They can see you underground, right?

(Waj) Can they see you if you're not there?

(Barry) Where's there?

(Waj) I don't know.

They can see you everywhere, Waj.

(Faisal) Are they looking at us through cameras?

Space cameras, yes. But...

My dad says I'm not supposed to be on camera. It's haram.

With the greatest of respect, Faisal, your dad eats newspaper.

Not any more. He eats moths. Exactly, bro.

Look, the way to stop the Feds tracking you is very simple.

You eat your SIM card. Get your SIM cards out.

You remove the SIM card and... Yes?

Can I cook mine? No. You must eat it raw, like this.

Good boys.

Salaam, lads.

Walaykum asalaam.

Right. We're eating our SIM cards.

Anti-surveillance.

You know they still work inside you, Barry.

Eh? They can still track them inside you.

That's not going to be very helpful in Pakistan.

What? In Pakistan.

Answered the call, bro.

What call? Training camp.

We're upgrading.

We're going.

Why did you get the call? Why didn't I get the call?

You don't have an uncle in Pakistan last time I checked.

You got an uncle in Folkstone. Are there any training camps in Folkstone?

Why do we need a training camp, anyway? We're primed.

We don't need some tramp up a mountain, telling us to set a fuse.

We don't need some Paki Steptoe telling us when to go.

You're right, Barry. We can go whenever we want.

Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.

Yeah, if you want to be some kind of sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock.

What do you mean?

What I mean is, you can either be a stupid nutter Muslim who blows a bag full of nails into his own guts at a toilet at TGI's, or you can be a proper soldier in the Mujahideen.

I'm already in the Mujahideen. No, you're not, bro.

No, not until you join the army and hold the sword and touch the sky - proper chain of command, right to the very top.

All right, I'm coming. Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now?

Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.

Think of the group. Think of what we're trying to do.

It's best you stay here, bro.

You're a liability and you're a loose cannon.

Bollocks, I'm a liability.

I am the invisible Jihadi.

They seek him here, they seek him there.

But he's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister.

Invisible? Yeah.

Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?

That is part of the plan.

Hide in plain sight, you mug.

And I am coming!

You realise, if I don't come with you to Pakistan, bro, Islam is finished.

Listen, bro, we need you over here to keep a lid on things.

So what if I'm not here?

Cos I've bought a ticket at the airport to come with you anyways.

You want to come, Fess?

Yeah, it's just... my dad's seeing creatures that's not there.

So he'll keep it ticking over here, bro. Barry, listen.

If you answer this question, you can come. All right.

(Speaks Urdu)

Don't fuck with me, man! (Speaks Urdu)

Don't fuck with Azzam al Britani!

(Omar) Barry, what are you doing?

Barry, this is crazy.

Barry, what are you doing? Right, if I'm not going, no one is.

Spit it out.

(Waj) It's gone down his neck.

Right, frog him.

Frog him in the back. Omar, we agreed, no frogging.

That was before you swallowed the key. Every time I've had to frog you.

(Barry) Listen, we... (Waj) Come on. Come on.

We said no frogging!

What if you get caught? I'm not going down.

Just cos you can't take a drill in the kneecap.

They'll crack you like babies' fingers.

They'll pump you full ofViagra, make you fuck a dog.

(Waj) Good prattle, Barry.

(Grunts)

(Engine starts)

You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch.

(Engine revs)

(Tyres screech)

Are they gonna make me fuck a dog out there, brother Omar?

My uncle's connected out there.

Only time we're going to see cops is for weapons upgrade.

All right, Omar, I'm letting you go to Pakistan.

My unit stays here.

But my unit's the main unit. Barry, shut up, mate.

Because I tell you, your little brain cell might go off now and again, but if your hands even go to move and you try setting up the Islamic state of Tinsley again, going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon, I'm gonna rip your plugs out.

Not if you're not here, you won't.

Aargh!


No, Uncle.

It's my prayer bear. He does my prayers.

(Electronic voice praying)

In the name of Allah...

Which way are we going?

All right. OK.

What the fuck's he done to his rabbits, bro?

They're not rabbits, bro. They're chickens.

They're fucking rabbits.

Bro, if they're rabbits, where are their ears?

That's what I'm saying.

(Speaks Punjabi then Arabic)

What?

(Waj) What's he saying?

I'm asking, would he kill you?

Pack up.

If you make me trouble...

(Waj) Alaykum salaam.

Would you kill me, then? No, course not.

Come on.

I'd kill you, bro.

Would you?

Yeah. Right, good.

Cos I would kill you, bro.

Bro, seriously, I'd kill you.

Course I would.

Aye, I would. I'd kill you like that.

Flipping heck, man. Would you? Yeah, course.

I sort of thought I were joking a bit there, bro.

We're soldiers, bro. Whatever's asked, you do it.

You do the right thing.

Right?

Are you with me? Yeah.

It's life, isn't it? It's just life. What is that? It's nothing.

It's like being stuck in the queue at Alton Towers.

Do you want to be in the queues or do you want to be on the rides?

You want to be on the rides, don't you? You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

Yeah. You with me? Yeah.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids. Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

Right?

OK, I would kill you, brother Omar. Would you?

Yeah, I would. What would you do?

I'd smash your head off with a thing. Yeah. Know what I'd do?

I'd grab one of these hooks, Waj. I'd dig it in your belly, rip your guts out.

Spill it all out on the floor, like Mortal Combat.

I'd fucking... I'd take this, right?

Yeah? And I'd fucking run you over with a tractor.

Yeah? Yeah. Soldiers.

Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.

Mujahid.

(Chickens cluck)

Good lad.

Come on. You want some?

Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.

You fucked-up rabbit with no ears.

I'll fucking... I'll have you. They're chickens, man.

I'd roast you. Waj, they're chickens.

(Music on radio)

(Music stops)

(Waj) I'm coming. Coming.

I'm coming.

Come on, Waj. (Speaking in Arabic)

(Speaks Arabic)

Fuck off, bro. East is that way.

That way is East, bro. (Replies in Urdu)

That way is East.

We've flown over Mecca now. Paki's gone mental, bro.

Mecca is in the East, yeah.

Where the sun... where it rises, you behn choad paki prong!

(Omar) Turn around. I'll explain to you later.

(Omar) Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on!

(Omar) Go, go, go. Come on.

Come on, Waj. OK, OK.

(Drone of aircraft)

Hey, brother Emir, I'll take it out.

(Speaks Arabic)

Too high, too high.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking actually. What is that, 2,000 feet?

What? Nothing.

I've never stood up in public and professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam, but what I do know is that most British Muslims don't want to be out abroad, fighting British foreign policy.

What they want to do is get on peacefully with their daily lives.

And we support that. (Barry) Yeah, yeah.

A good Muslim always keeps his mouth shut.

Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised kids are going off to training camps?

That is not what I am saying. Why are kids going to training camps?

First off, I object to the term "training camps".

You just used it. No, I did not.

It's a western fantasy.

You people think of Muslims running around the mountains with guns and bombs.

That'd suit you down to the ground, wouldn't it?

But they do exist, don't they? I'm not saying they don't exist.

What I'm saying, if you'll listen, is that if they didn't exist, you people would have to invent them.

(Storge) That's absolute rubbish. Yeah, man.

This whole debate is twisted, man. We'll take questions later, please.

You think we're all bombers, don't you?

That is absolutely... No, no, no.

When you look at someone like me, you think "bomber", right?

Yeah, you do. That is not the case.

Why shouldn't I be a bomber if you treat me like one?

Mashallah, brother. Yeah, Mashallah.

Yeah.

(Raps) I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"

We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes Allahu Akbar! (Audience screams)

Mashallah, brother.

(Murmurs from the audience)

Oh, what, man? Come on.

What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?

(Shouts from audience) (Barry) Oh, here they come!

Here come your stooges, Mr Storge.

Police state! Police state!

Police state! Police state! (Applause)

Remember my name, brothers and sisters. I'm going to Cuba!

He's being rendered! He's being rendered!

(Barry) Hey, bro, bro. Down here.

Need a lift?

Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.

Oh, man!

Yo!

You're a lege. You're a lege, bro!

Not so bad yourself, brother. What's your name?

Hassan Malik. "The Mal".

The Mal? Yeah.

Nice little stunt back there.

And you know what?

You're a total piece of shit, mate.

You're worse than the specially trained rapists they use in Guantánamo.

You what? Yeah, you're not ignorant like them!

You know you should be doing something.

I am doing something. What, that?

I'm the Mujahideen and... thingy, thingy, rap, rap Eh?

It was jihad of the mind, the gesture that messed yer.

Wasthe prophet, Sal Allaahu Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures?

Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues or did he just stand there, making a gesture?

(Engine starts)

Is this a gesture?

That was for real, brother. Yeah...

Is you as for real as that?

Yeah. How often do you go to mosque?

When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.

Once a year is too often. The mosques have lost it, brother.

They're full of losers and spies.

These are real bad times, bro.

Islam is cracking up.

We got women talking back.

We got people playing stringed instruments.

It's the end of days.

Do you want to be for real?

Well, yeah, of course.

Are you sure?

100 percent.

Yeah, come here.

Fuck you, Omar!

(Gunfire)

Big enough for you now, Barry?

Am I blowing a dog in a ditch or am I Paki Rambo?

(Speaks Arabic)

I'm getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.

James Fuck Bond? No, no.

What the fuck are you doing, Waj?

(Speaks Arabic)

(Continues in Arabic)

(Shouting in Arabic)

Stay here and clean the guns.

No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.

It was my fault, bro, OK? Let Omar go.

You fucking Mr Beans.

But we haven't got an emir yet. It's good.

Just getting my pictures, bro. Waj, go away right now.

Come on.

Where is it? Down here.

(Barry) Whoa, whoa, whoa!


Liquid peroxide.

Three years of stockpiling.

Where did you get it all? A wholesale shop down the road.

All from the same shop? Yeah.

You mug, you'll get us nicked! No.

I use different voices every time I go in.

Different what? Different voices. Show me.

What? Show me the voices. Come on.

One of them's... It's my voice. Right.

Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?

I know what that sounds like. Give me another one.

IRA voice.

IRA voice?

They're terrorists, Faisal.

Why do you want to do a terrorist voice? You'll get us nicked!

I'll be disguised then, won't I? Yeah, but as a terrorist.

Let's hear the voice.

(Normal voice) Can I have... 12 bottles of bleach, please?

And then I've got one like this as well.

(Same voice) Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?

What's that?

It's a woman's voice because I got loads of liquid peroxide.

Probably thought that she'd go and...

(Barry) And what?

...dye her hair or something. And her beard?

You got a beard. I covered it.

You covered your beard. How?

Right, so you went into a shop, with your hands on your face like that and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?

So, why has she got her hands on her face, Fess?

Cos she's got a beard.

I'm sorry, brother Omar.

Maybe it were God's will.

Maybe it were God's will I would do my video so...

So maybe it's not my fault. No, it is your fault.

It were God's will that you were acting like a complete prat, apparently.

It was defo your fault.

So, if that were God's will, then am I God's fault?

Maybe I'm God's mistake.

Does that mean I'm going to hell, brother? Sh, sh, sh.

Do mistakes go to hell? Shh, Waj.

What?

That's a drone. Hide!

It's flying low. It's going to attack. Let's go!

Where are we gonna go, Waj? We've got to take it out.

Take it out with what? We ain't got no bullets.

This is my mistake, bro. No, no, no. Waj, listen.

Think about it. This is God's plan. He's put us here to defend the camp.

This is our jihad.

Think about it. This is my mistake, brother.

That's the devil that's in your brain giving it the wasa-wasa.

Don't listen to him. God's in your heart, bro.

Right? What does your heart say? Trust me. Come on.

It says maybe we should...

Huh?

Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother, get back on jihad.

Good, Waj.

(Omar) Right, OK.

What are we going to use?

Fucking yes, bro. Shh, shh. Right, come on.

Proper Mujahid, yeah? Yeah.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother? Mind out the way now.

All right, OK. Come on.

Flipping pop it, brother. OK.

Brother Omar!

The Arabs!

The emir!

(Explosion)

Flipping shit.

Is this God's will, bro?

(Shouting) Tell me it is, bro. Tell me it's God's will.

(Explosion) Fucking hell, bro.

We've got to go, Waj. We've got to get out of here.

I can't hear nothing!

(Waj) I can't hear nothing!

Morning, officer.

You've been rumbled.

My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow and fly it into one of them towers full ofJews and slags.

I keep crows in here. Have a look.

We're way beyond crows now, Faisal.

We are really going to blow the lid off.

Yeah, I'm all about blowing the lid off, man.

Blow my lid off. Bomb the mosque!

What?

The Masjid? Yeah, the masjid, the mosque.

But we go in dressed like kuffars.

They think it's the unbelievers attacking so all the Muslims rise up and fight back.

Stoke things up proper big time, fast-track the final days - total war!

That is sick, man. What does Omar say?

(Hassan) Who is this Omar?

Don't sweat that. He's one of my boys.

I've sent him off to training camp to bring him up to scratch.

But my dad goes to the masjid. What if he's in masjid?

Has your dad ever bought a Jaffa orange?

Once or twice.

Right, he's buying nukes for Israel, bro. He's a Jew.

(Waj) Barry! (Omar) Where?

Where is he? What are we going to say, again?

Waj, we're going to say we're being sent for special training in Somalia.

Somalia? Yeah, OK.

You all right, Barry? Yeah. What happened?

Nothing happened. We're being sent to...

Bollocks! You fucked up, you fucking losers!

I told you you should have taken me.

We're going to Somibia, Barry. Somalia.

Special training. (Mocks Waj) "Special training."

Bollocks! Something happened. Nothing happened, Barry.

Look at the state of you. No luggage, back early.

Yeah, something happened.

Yeah, something did happen. Yeah, you fucked up.

No, we got an emir and he told us that we're on.

What?

We've got an emir and he says that we're on.

Are you on as well, bro? Yeah, for real.

Good. Alhamdulillah.

What about the Arabs, bro? What about the Arabs?

They weren't Arabs, they were bad tribesmen.

What? Bad tribesmen.

So it were good, what we did? Yeah.

What the fuck is Special Branch doing here?

Oh, no, no, no. That's Hassan. He's in.

Since when, Barry? He's one of us.

Is he fuck? (Hassan) How was it, boys? Was it amazing?

What, my dad's funeral? How could that be amazing?

You're joking!

He was pecked to death by chickens. Why would I joke about that?

Ignore him, bro. This is Omar, this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik.

Yeah, man, I'm the Mal.

Frog him.

No, don't sweat it, bro. He's been tested.

Really? Yeah, he tested me, man.

How did he do that, then?

He made me do that bean thing, man. What bean thing?

You know, when you put a bean up the end of your knob, man.

We're on the parking. Let's go.

Barry? We're on the parking.

What's he saying about a bean, Barry? You mean, I didn't have to?

Bro, he's landed you right in it.

I've got no need for a beanfucker or a TV Paki or a coconut spook.

Now, frog him!

Omar, he's loaded. His dad's loaded.

What, from MI5 payroll? No, he's got a clothes factory.

Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him. I can get you a van.

I can nick a van. So you'd steal from your own dad?

Well, yeah, yeah.

Right, well, you're still walking.

Listen, behn choad, next time I see you, you'd better have a fucking van, or I'm gonna floss your balls with razor wire.

You played that wrong, mate.

You're on one, Omar. Drive!

(Car won't start)

Did you fix this, Barry? Yeah, I fixed it.

Did you do it yourself or something? Yes, I did it myself.

(Engine judders)

(Barry) So is he in or what, Omar?

What choice have I got, Barry? He's either in or I've got to kill him.

(Barry) Good. I knew you'd like him.

Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.

And Scar was looking for them and if he found them, he'd kill them, but...

Dad? Yeah?

Did you blow up any kuffars?

What?

At the wedding?

Do you want to hear what happened to Simba or not?

Yeah! Right, so...

Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own, when all of a sudden they saw this...

...this big evil bird, this big bird, that Scar had sent out to look for them.

This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.

"There it is," said Simba. He spotted it, this big evil vulture, coming straight for them, coming right at them.

Then what, Dad?

Well, Simba had to bring it down, otherwise it'd kill them.

So, what he did was, he grabbed a stone and he chucked it at the bird, only he chucked it so hard, it was such a strong powerful throw, that his arm went all the way round.

Behind. He threw it so hard, it went a mile behind him.

And it hit Mufasa.

Wise, strong Mufasa, Simba's dad.

It hit him accidentally on the head and killed him.

But didn't Scar kill Mufasa?

Yeah, in the film. This is real life, I'm talking about.

So Simba had a choice.

He could either tell his friends what had happened and create confusion, or keep it a secret and lead all his friends in a big fight against Scar.

What do you think he did?

He had to tell the truth.

But he's got to fight Scar, hasn't he?

Telling the truth means giving up.

Would Simba give up?

Simba would never give up. Exactly.

Exactly. So...

Simba kept it all a secret.

And he led Pumbaa and Timon and all his friends, he led them all in a fight against Scar.

And he vanquished Scar, and Simba became the new Lion King.

Yes. Yeah.

Bedtime for you, soldier.

(Omar) All right, lads, this is it.

This is it, boys.

I've spoken to the emir. I have, and...

How did you do that?

Email drop box and the children's instant messaging site, Party Puffin.

I've been on that.

Good, Waj. Proper good.

(Barry) Do we have to be puffins as well?

Yeah, I'll give you all usernames and passwords after this meeting.

I'm not sure I want to be a puffin.

You don't have to be if you don't want to, Barry.

Bagsy a blue one, yeah? Good, Waj.

Now, I've spoken to him.

My puffin has communicated with his puffin.

And he's told us to make some bombs.

So we're going to take Faisal's gear to the secret flat.

We can hide it under the costumes in Hassan's van.

We'll put the bleach on the boil.

We have instructions to bring havoc to this bullshit, consumerist, godless, Paki-bashing, Gordon Ramsay "Taste the Difference" speciality cheddar, torture-endorsing, massacre-sponsoring, "Look-at-me-dancing-pissed with-my-nob-out", Sky1 Uncovered, "Who-gives-a-fuck about-dead-Afghanis?" Disneyland.

Mashallah! Mashallah, brother Omar.

Mashallah. (Waj) Fuck mini Babybels.

Puffin says, "Find a target."

Well, we got a target, bro. We're all agreed.

(Omar) What is it?

It's the mosque. What?

Bomb the mosque, radicalise the moderates, bring it all on.

OK, right. No, I like that. I do like that, that's brilliant.

Let's take out a bunch of Muslims because they're the real enemy.

Once we've done that, why don't we truck-bomb a kebab shop and fly a jumbo jet into Waj's mum's head?

Why don't we get a pig and staple-gun it to our foreheads?

But if we bomb the mosque, it will make all the Muslims rise up.

My cousin, Faz, died, defending a mosque in Bosnia.

Did he flipping rise up, bro?

Let's bomb Boots.

They sell condoms that make you want to bang white girls.

I second that. Boots. (Faisal) Right.

They nabbed me nicking Lynx display. (Omar) Think bigger than a chemist's.

I'm not blowing my guts out over a bunch of tampons and cotton buds.

What we're going to do has got to last in history, echo through the ages.

Like bomb a mosque. Barry, we're not bombing a mosque.

You don't get it, do you, Omar?

We radicalise the moderates!

The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!

I do get it. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like you're in a fight with someone, and they're punching you in the face, right?

And so what you go and do is, you punch yourself in the face.

So what if he's not?

I'm having a fight with this fictionary man, and he's not punching me hard enough to make me go mental and win.

Let's do an experiment, Barry. We'll have a fight right now.

When you start losing and you're not doing very well, you punch yourself in the face, go mental and start winning.

Show them all how it works. I'm not gonna punch myself.

Why not? You're the Muslims. You're getting attacked.

Go fucking mental, Barry. Show 'em how it works.

Come on. (Barry) I'm not a mosque!

This is not how it works!

(Shouting)

Punch yourself, Baz.

(Omar) Bomb the mosque, Barry! Bomb it!

Bomb the mosque!

Bomb the mosque, Barry!

He's bombed the mosque! He's just bombed the mosque!

Barry, where are the moderates? The moderates should be coming now.

Right, if I was a mosque, which I am not, then there would be all moderates behind my nose, bursting to come out and rise up.

Would there? Ooh, they are, bro, eh?

Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council's coming out your nose.

Oh, you've just wiped them out. You've just wiped them out.

Do you think we should still bomb the mosque, Barry?

Come back. Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the...

Oooh! (Omar) Barry!

For fuck's sake, Barry!

(Rap music)

Oi! Oi!

Turn that off. There's common areas out there.

We got to play it, Barry. This is our cover, man. We're a band.

We're a what? We're a band.

Bollocks! Turn it off.

Bro, turn it off.

(Music stops)

What's with the chicken?

It's beard protection from the bleach.

Yeah, he's the drummer, man.

Chicken drummer. Yeah, Barry.

You broke the chicken's beak, didn't you? Remember?

Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but beaks get broken in war, don't they?

Do they? Yeah, they do.

We're not about protecting beaks, we're about blowing them off.

Yeah?

Well, go and unload the van. I'm not doing all the work.

Waj! Waj!

Anti-surveillance.

Not you, mate, you're still here. Get in there.

What are you doing? Just in case they're taking pictures.

What? Barry says you come out blurry.

Right, stop it!

Stop it!

CCTV's a video.

You're just gonna look like a bunch of Sufis on speed.

Next time Barry tells you to do something, don't.

You all right, Alice? How's it going. All right, Wasim? Yeah.

Are you good? Yeah.

All right, Jason? All right.

Who's this one?

This is... Claude.

Claude, this is Alice. She's got the flat next door.

Hello, Claude. Hi.

What's this? Claude's the new member of our band.

Band? He's the new member.

I used to be in a band. Did you?

Yeah. Until all the birds fell off the roof...

I don't know if you remember.

All right, then, Alice, we'll see you later. Come on, lads.

Come through.

Which one are you? Er, Claude.

Claude? Yeah.

Are you French?

Yeah.

See you.

(Barry) Right, Mister Newsman in the newsroom, after three.

Three, two, one...

Yes, it was us.

We have struck you where you least expected it.

We have bombed the mosque.

Only in the days of the final jihad...

(Door opens)

What are you doing here?

(Hassan) Well, you told us to come round.

We've just come through the back. Anti-surveillance, like you said.

Right, well, I'm doing my tape.

(Hassan) But we're not bombing the mosque.

What? We're not bombing the mosque.

Look, I'm just doing this tape in case the plans change to bomb the mosque.

If they did change, isn't the whole point of it to blame it on the kuffar and not take responsibility for it?

What do you know about it? It was my idea in the first place, not yours!

Now, fuck off! I'm doing my tape. Go on.

(Omar) All right, Barry?

What, you're here as well? Yeah. Why? What's going on?

(Waj) He said he was going to bomb the mosque.

(Omar) Did you say that, Barry? No.

(Waj) Yeah, you did. No, I didn't.

(Omar) What did you say, then? I said I was gonna bomb something else.

What did you say you were gonna bomb?

Hm?

Fuck off!

Fuck off out of my house!

Oh, Barry, you moron.

(Doorbell)

Salaam, Ahmed. Alaykum salaam.

Omar, it's your brother. Come in. No, I'm OK.

Just come in and sit down. (Speaks Urdu)

Salaam Alaykum. Alaykum salaam.

(Speaks Urdu)

Just come in and sit down. (Speaks Urdu)

I'm not in the same room. You can come in.

You are.

(Sofia) I'm not.

The wall has been taken out, so you are.

(Omar snorts)

Have you come to drop some fatwas, cos we've just had the carpet cleaned?

Not in this house, bro.

Freeze or I'll blow your guts out. All right, go easy.

OK. Right, come on!

You've got 30 seconds!

What are you teaching him, Omar? It's a water pistol. Have you lost it?

Have you got 150 quotes from scholars saying we can't squirt a water pistol?

There is no justification for what you are planning.

What am I planning, bro? You tell me.

Want to know what I am planning? Yeah.

Sure you can handle it, bro? Yeah? You ready?

It's not a proper plan yet, yeah?

But I'm thinking, inshallah, I'm going to go upstairs and run a hot bath, right?

Then come back down and make beans on toast. I'm proper hungry.

Very funny. What?

Is it, bro? Have you got opinions to back that up?

I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.

You know what? It's not Top Trumps. Muslims are getting pasted and you go, "I've got 60,000 opinions saying we can't fight back.

"We must measure our beard with a ruler and lock our wives in cupboard!"

That's not a joke, is it, bro?

It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.

Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet till you took the china out.

I don't argue with women.

No, you don't. You lock 'em in a cupboard.

Omar, your wife is out of control.

I don't know how to control her. Help me out.

Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.

(She laughs) Do it again. He won't fight back.

(Sofia) What am I like? I'm out of control. Obey me, wife. Obey me.

Go and do it.

Fight back, brother! (Sofia shrieks)

What's all the violence, brother?

(Sofia) Are you fighting back? In self-defence? This is not fighting.

By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting. (Omar) You're a proper Mujahid!

By the law...

I am not fighting. You're so violent, bro!

(Both laugh)

Hey, Omar.

You're terrible, you are. I'm out of control.

Aren't you, eh?


That's twice as much, bro. This one's gonna leave a mark.

Just drop it.

Ooh! (Waj laughs)

(Hassan) Shit, man!

Come on, bro. Give me that. Jew.

Gay.

Fed.

Sodomite.

Gynaecologist.

Innocent bloke. Doesn't exist.

Leonard Cohen. Here, you give me that.

You do some work.

(Hassan) This one's gonna be like a grenade, man.

(Waj) Oh, bro. Here, watch this.

Watch this, bro!

Repair and Synch by Syful Noa BlueBiru


Come on, lads. Why don't we just pick up the phone and call the cops?

Right? Come on.

(Hassan) Sorry, man. Sorry, bro.

(Faisal) We don't have to use that on ourselves, do we, Barry?

Course we do, bro. But it's our choice, right?

Fess? Fess? What?

It is your choice. Right? It can only be your choice.

Right, yeah.

Fess. Fess. What?

It is your choice, right, but you've chosen to blow yourself up, haven't you?

Haven't you?

(Faisal) Mashallah, brother Crow.

Mashallah.

You're doing this, right, to save brother Faisal.

And I know it's come as a bit of a shock to you, but everything will be all right.

Yeah? OK. You see that over there?

That...

That's a sex shop. Right?

A US embassy, or some other such slag utility.

Right, now wait there.

When I say, you fly to the target.

When I dial this, you go to heaven, brother Crow.

Inshallah.


(Hassan makes bomb noises)

Yeah.

What's that? What's that, Mrs Thistle?

No, I don't want to resit my media studies.

Stupid Mrs Thistle, I don't want to retake it.

You know why? Cos I've found a new purpose in life.

And here it is. Eat that shit!

Eat that. Eat that. You fuck...

Come on, lads. Let's go. Salaam alaykum.

Alaykum salaam. You all right? Where are they?

They've all gone, man. They're using the fireworks for cover.

Yeah, I know that. That was my idea. Why didn't they wait for me?

Barry said that you said, "Go ahead." Did he?

I'm just on night shift. Yeah, you are, bro.

If anybody comes knocking for Barry, tell them you used to know him...

Can I come?

(Barry) Don't drop it, you prick!

(Waj) Brother Faisal, if you drop this, we're baked beans from here to Derby.

Slowly, slowly. (Faisal) Oh!

It's good. All right.

(Waj) Good, good. (Faisal) Let's get out of here.

(Waj) OK. (Barry) Come on. I'm gonna blow it.

Ready? (Faisal) All right.

(Waj) Is it gonna be loud?

(Waj) Did you see that?

Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good. That were proper good!

(Omar) Well done, Barry. (Barry) What's up?

Did you miss it, bro? Did you miss it, bro?

I told you before, Barry, didn't I? What were you lads playing at?

Why didn't you call me, Waj? Eh? I didn't have no credit.

This breaks anti-surveillance protocol. We shouldn't be back here till tomorrow.

The protocol is that you were supposed to stay here and guard the flat, Barry, cos there's a good chance that you are being monitored.

Is that an Islamic argument, brother? I only listen to Islamic arguments.

That was my microwave, Barry. I had it ten years, that Matsui.

I should've been there.

Your microwave has been well sacrificed.

Don't screw with my jihad. I'm telling you for the last time.

Your jihad? You said "my jihad". Our jihad. Don't screw with it.

Our jihad. What did he say, Fess?

Did he say "my jihad"? What difference does it make?

You said "my jihad". So what? This is such a small thing.

(Waj) Hey!

Come and have a look at this.

(| "Dancing In The Moonlight" plays on the stereo)

| Dancing in the moonlight

| Everybody's feeling warm and bright...

(Both sing along)

Hass!

Claude!

Shit!

(Music stops)

Right, it's time to go now, Alice.

Why? What's going on?

Nothing. We just need you to go.

Oh.

Oh, I get it. I know what's going on here.

I know what you lot are.

You lot... are a bunch of Paki-bashers.

What? Mountie boys. Gays.

(Omar) Yes, we are so gay. (Waj) I'm not.

Yes, you are. We all are.

But mainly it's these two. Isn't it, Norman?

Yes. Yeah, you love it, don't you?

We've got to get down to some gay business now, all of us.

You lot aren't my friends any more.

Safe, is he?

She didn't see anything, man. I swear to God, she didn't see the...

The bolts and the... I'll sort this out.

I'll sort it out, man. Just give me a minute.

I'll go down and sort this shit out.

You are going to sort it out cos you're going to kill her.

Kill her?

We're gonna kill her?

Not us, Waj. Hass.

You want me to kill her?

What, you can fuck her but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you?

Give him your pocket knife, Barry.

There we go. There. Knife and fork. Make a fucking meal of it.

I'm not joking, bro. Do I look like I'm joking?

No. Now go on your way.

How do I do it?

Cut her head off and bring it back in a bucket.

Chop her head off?

We're not really gonna kill her, are we? You fucking idiot!

Why don't we just call up the pigs and dob ourselves in.

That'd be clever. A body on our hands to trail back to us.

Shut up!

What are we gonna do with all this?

She's seen it now. We've got to move it now.

We're gonna put it in Barry's allotment. We'll put it...

Shut up, Barry. Solved. Problem solved.

Daddy's come home and wiped everyone's arse, hasn't he?

That's what jihad's about. It's me wiping your arses.

Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?

Yeah, Omar would love to come and help but he can't, he's really busy wiping up the fountains of shit spraying out the arses of these...

OK, thank you.

Who were on the phone?

(Engine judders)

Slow down, please.

(Omar) Get us there in one piece, Barry. Go easy.

Go easy!

(Omar curses)

(All) Oh! Oh!

Don't rattle the stuff, Barry. Slow down, man.

Use your eyes, boys. We've got a predator.

What, the milk float?

That's a milk float! The Feds work undercover, you mug!

(Car rumbles)

(Barry) No, no.

No, no!

No, don't do this to me!

Come on!

(Engine cuts out)

(Bang)

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck it!

Did you fix this, then, Barry? Yes, I fixed it!

Did you? It's the parts. They're Jewish.

What parts in a car are Jewish?

(Faisal) Spark plugs? (Barry) Spark plugs.

Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.

Right, everybody calm down. We're gonna grab the gear and walk.

All right, but check the roofs, boys. There could still be an ambush.

Careful, careful with that. Watch out.

Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?

(Barry) One jolt and this stuff could go, right?

You got to run smooth, right?

You got to run fast, but you got to run smooth, right?

Like this, right?

This is fast but slow, smooth but fast.

Barry, we're fine! Lads, we're fine! There's no need for any of this.

We're fine, are we? We're fucking surrounded. Look.

(Omar) Everybody get off the road. Omar!

Anybody talks, I'm gonna make them jump up and down till they go bang.

Just keep your mouths shut and let me deal with this, all right?

Hey, man. How's it going?

Nice little one-pack you got going on there, bro.

You're a pint of sauce, Omar.

Have you managed to run a mile yet without stopping for a milkshake?

Make that 12 miles, Mr Khan. All right, lads? All right.

What's with the bags?

Shopping. Marzipan.

Toys. Chicken.

We're about to go and play football. Yeah?

We should grab all this kit and head down there to the pitch.

(Matt) Yeah. (Omar) All right, bro.

Right. See you in a bit, man.

Hey, lads. Wait, look. You forgot this.

Hey! Hey! Aahh!

(Nervous laughter)

What's that?

That bag's full of really fragile... boots.

Are they all right? Yeah. That's just thigh exercises.

What? Quad squats. You know, squat jogs.

It's just... It's for the marathon. I thought you'd know.

Yeah? Squat jogs? Yeah.

All right, man. See you in a bit.

Like that.

Squat jogs, yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Down? Bit lower.

Safe-age, mate! All right, man.

Take care, man. Yeah, yeah.

(Waj) All right, brothers? Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro.

Yeah. We skilled it.

Where's Faisal?

Hey, boys. Boys, come and have a look at this.

Can you see him?

(Hassan laughs)

(Barry) Hey, bro!

Run!

(Waj) Hey, brother Faisal!

Over the wall, Faisal!

(Waj) Yeah, run faster, bro! (Barry) Yeah, but not too fast!


Where is he?


It was a martyr's death. Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar?

(Barry) He disrupted the infrastructure. How did he do that?

He took out a sheep.

Magnificently took it right out.

Did he?

Attacked the food supply. Some of it's in there... with him.

What? I couldn't separate it.

So what is he, lads? Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi?

He's a martyr. Right, this is bullshit!

He is not a martyr. Yes, he is. He's part of the war.

What war? The war on kuffar sheep?

He's the first hero of the final jihad. He's not a hero, he's a dickhead.

And so are you, you're all dickheads.

Whoa, brother. That is out of order.

I've made a decision, Barry. The mission's off.

It's finished, I'm done with this.

(Barry) You can't handle the war, brother. You're having a wobble.

I've got nothing to have a wobble about. My conscience is clear.

You're the one who killed Faisal! I didn't kill him!

Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in after you saw him making an arse out of himself at a public meeting you shouldn't even have been at.

And he blew our cover.

Ever since then, you've had everybody so paranoid, poor little Faisal's panicked himself to death.

So really Hassan killed him. No, you killed him.

No, you killed him. You heard what he said.

You killed him more. I thought it was a good thing he died.

Isn't he a martyr? It's a good thing, right?

All right, I did kill him, then.

I martyred him. He's up there now, keeping my seat warm.

Come on, our kid, let's go. I think I martyred him a bit, too.

What?

We got to keep on. You got a plan, Waj?

Blow something up. What are we going to blow up, Waj?

Internet.

We'll blow up the internet for brother Faisal.

We're mujahid, brother, yeah?

Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?

You're not a mujahid. You're a fucking idiot.

Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck about Rubber Dinghy Rapids and gets his deen from The Cat That Went To Mecca, a book he can't finish cos it's far too fucking advanced for him?

I tell you what, I've got a plan for you. Why don't you go with...

...and lose yourself in the forest?

(Male voices)

Omar!

Salaam, Omar.

Salaam alaykum, bro.

You and your boys look like... something rubbish.

You all right, Omar?

Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.

Listen, can I ask you something? Why not, brother?

Screw it, doesn't matter. You've already started doing the face.

Why not come to our study group, Omar?

What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?

The floaty face of the wise bird, hovering on a million quotes, about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head.

Forget it.


Omar, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night.

What is that?

It's a puffin party. A what?

It's a puffin party. A puffin party?

I'm talking to Waj's puffin. Omar, what are you talking about?

It's the boys. I've left them.

Now Hassan's puffin won't talk to me, Waj's puffin's just told me to piss off, Barry's puffin's turned all red and is hiding under the pirate hat.

Faisal's dead.

He's dead. They...

He was carrying explosives and he tripped up over a sheep.

They're total idiots, Sof.

Well, it must have been God's plan for him to be blown up on a sheep.

Come on, Sof. How can that be God's plan?

Well, it can't be God's plan to leave the lads with Barry, can it?

Come here.

You were much more fun when you were gonna blow yourself up, love.

I am gonna blow myself up, right?

Just not in a mosque or in a chemist's or on top of a duck.

Right, well, if they're gonna blow themselves up in the wrong place, you've got to make sure you all blow up in the right place.

Sof, I can't even get them to stir their tea without smashing a window.

What does your heart say, hmm?

God's in your heart, Dad.

Oi, you, come here.

Sorry, I heard talking.

Can we finish off the story about Simba's jihad?

Yeah, we can do that tomorrow. Come on, off to bed.

Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?

Don't you worry, cos even if he gets blown to bits, he's gonna die smiling.

He'll go straight to heaven. Yeah.

He'll be in heaven before his head hits the ceiling.

An Asian man's head was found less than 2 miles from the city centre today.

Steven Fap discovered the Asian man's head when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.

A head fell out of the tree and nearly hit my dog.

The man has not been identified, but it seems that he may have died while trying to cause an explosion.

Yo, Matt... Is Matt here? He's in the back.

Terry, step outside, bro. Say that again.

I need you to go outside. Get a doughnut.

I've got one. Get another one.

Matt? Oh, thanks!

Omar? Yeah, mate.

Can you can help me with this? I got to ask you something first.

I booked a clown and they gave me this.

It's the wrong way up. I can't run in a wrong-way-up clown!

They said, "You ordered it."

Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown? It's fine.

I can sort you out. I didn't even know what one was.

I can sort you out with another costume so you can do the marathon.

I said, "You're gonna cause a pile-up at the marathon with me

"flat to my arse in a costume I can't even bloody believe exists."

I've got you a rabbit costume at home. You can run the marathon in that.

Can I run in a rabbit? Course you can.

It's amazing. It's a rabbit, right? Panic over. Done?

Yes, I'm sorry. I've got to ask you something.

Have you? Have you seen the news?

Yeah, the head. What do you know about that?

Well, they're just saying it's jihadi.

They've got him. Filmed him blowing up a crow.

Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar, blowing up a crow?

Omar?

No, it's a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed an ostrich at that wedding I was at.

Yeah? Yeah, I... I've got to go, Matt.

(Knock at door)

(Waj) Shit!

God help us.

(Knocking)

(Hassan) That's the police, man. (Barry) All right. Arm yourselves.

All right?

Oi. (Omar) Get out of my way, Barry.

Oi! Fuck off out the back door! You're not part of this now.

Lads, this is an emergency. They found Faisal's head.

The head that you buried 5 feet underneath your shed fell out of a tree onto a dog.

Good. Dogs contradict Islam.

Dibble is onto us, lads.

Dibble is on to us. I told you, it was a knee.

(Barry) That was a head. It was obviously a head.

It had a hinge!

Right. So, I've just seen Matt.

Matt is running the London marathon tomorrow.

He's doing it in costume.

You know they run in costume? Well, so can we.

We can disguise the gear in there and it's perfect.

We've got live TV, prime targets all along the road.

We've got a target, Omar. It's the mosque.

(Omar) When you meet God, do you want to tell him, "I struck a blow for the brothers"?

Or "I blew a load of them up"? Blew a load of 'em up. He'll love that.

Come on, lads. Waj?

I'm not on your side any more, brother Omar.

You ripped me up, bro. Mashallah.

Waj, bro...

I'm really sorry.

My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.

I should've stayed.

Why didn't you, then?

Cos I made a mistake.

But you didn't. You listened to your heart and you did the right thing.

No, ignore him, Waj. He's being nice.

You cannot win an argument just by being nice.

Not just by being nice, Baz. I'm right as well, aren't I?

You cannot win an argument just by being right.

No? No. No way.

I think maybe you can, Barry? Who asked you, fuck-brain?

Barry's not a good emir, brother Omar.

He made me do bad stuff in the woods.

Like what?

He said, if I was a proper mujahid, I'd wiz in my own mouth.

You made him wee in his own gob?

What is wrong with you, bro?

It's submission. It's the rules of submission.

(Waj) It felt really bad, brother.

It's not too tricky once you get the aim right, but it just feels like really proper wrong.

All wee splashing off your teeth.

Bro, I swear, bro, I may ask you to blow yourself up but I will never ask you to piss in your own mouth.

Yeah? Yeah, bro. Promise.

No more widdle in my gob. Promise, bro.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

See this, brother Hass?

It's gays at work. It's not Muslims, it's gays.

OK, brother Hass, marathon or mosque?

Either way, we're gonna blow, right? Yeah, to pieces, brother.

Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.

Yeah, wicked.

Wicked. Yeah, man.

Let's blow up a load offit slags at the marathon, yeah?

(Hassan) Oh, yes!

(Omar) Yes, bro.

(Hassan) Wicked. Yes!

Come on, Barry. We're lions, bro.

Four lions. (Hassan) Yes!

Good lad.

(Shouting)

Down on the floor!

(Shouting)

I'll be two minutes.

(Sofia) What's it concerning?

We trying to ascertain the whereabouts of your brother-in-law.

Why, what's up?

Tell us when you saw him last.

Well...

I can't remember the last time I saw him.

Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.

So, I've got the stats back from cubicle seven.

They need some more blood supplies for the knee.

The what?

Yes, the knee string. The knee string's come off.

Hm.

I've finished my shift now.

So I'm going to take my team up to the top floor.

Right? OK.

So I'll see you up there.

Yeah?

OK. Yeah?

You all right, lads. You going to arrest me?

No, no. Carry on.

OK.

Right, so your brother-in-law, when was the last time you saw him?

(Sofia) Er, like I said, about two months ago.

(Car stereo plays)


| Dancing in the moonlight

| Everybody's feeling warm and bright

| Such a fine and natural sight

| Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...


(Omar) Come on lads, we're late.

Is it all right? It's all right there now.

Yeah. Right, we're nearly done, our kid.

(Waj) Yeah, nearly done.

(Omar) OK? (Waj) Yeah.

Mujahid, brothers!

(Barry) Mujahid. Mujahid, brother Hassan.

(Hassan) Mujahid!

Defo right thing, yeah, bro?

What?

Blowing up kuffar and that?

Totally legit, yeah? Yeah.

Good. Wicked.

I was just... just checking and that.

Waj, don't listen to your brain, bro.

OK? The shaitan, he gets in there with his wasa-wasa.

What you've got to do, you've got to listen to your heart. Remember?

My heart. Yeah, brother Omar. So, what does your heart say?

It says, er...

"It's wrong, Waj, don't do it."

And what does your brain say?

"We're here...

"...together, strapped up, "and it would be, like, well pathetic to cop out now."

Right, um...

So he should listen to his brain. No, he's got to listen to his heart, Barry.

Anyway, this is Waj's brain. Since when do we listen to Waj's brain?

Sorry, bro. No, I agree. I'm thick as fudge.

His brain says do it, so his brain's got to be right!

That can't be his brain, right? That's his heart, Barry.

Feels like my brain, brother. OK, this is what's happened.

What's happened is, the shaitan has confused you.

He's swapped round your brain and your heart.

So, don't listen to what you think is your heart, cos that's actually your brain - in disguise as your heart.

Right? And what you thought was your brain, that's... that's your heart.

That's actually your heart.

My brain is my heart.

You got it, our kid. So just...

What's up there?

Heart.

OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.

Nice one, brother.

Right? Nice one. Alhamdulillah.

Hey, hey! (Omar) What?

Oh, behn choad!

We're doing a fun run for a kid's charity.

Stretches, stretches, stretches.

We're running for charity. What kind of charity?

For kids. What kind of kids?

Policemen's kids.

You all right, officer?

Late for the fun run, lads? What's it to you?

Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know how we can get to the red zone?

You can't run in that, can you?

He just drew the short straw.

Four short straws were there?

(Nervous laughter)

Red zone? It's back down there, left.

Second left again, then there's marshals. They'll tell you where to park.

Thank you.

You're gonna die in that gear, lads.

That's more than likely. (Waj) Proper likely.

(Barry) We're all going to die, yeah.

It's all for a good cause, though.

Well, good luck.

Have a good day.

(Omar) Everybody OK? Everybody strapped up?

Got your detonator on? Hass, you got your number?

Hass, have you got your number?

Hey!

Where the fuck has he gone? Shit!

What the fuck's he doing?

Help! Help!

I'm accidentally a suicide bomber! Stop!

I've got a bomb! He's bottled it.

It's the costume. The legs make the hands go up.

I've got a bomb but it's a mistake! No, he said he's got a bomb.

(Policeman) You've got a bomb? Yeah, but I'm not a bomber!

Don't worry.

This is a fucking bad prank, mate! No, no!

No, I'm real, but not any more.

You're real but not any more?

I don't understand. Have you got a bomb?

Yes, but it's not going to go off.

How do I know that? Look.

We've got to go, now.

We need to go, now.

Now!

(Omar) Go! Come on, go!

Waj, try and find some targets. I'll see you on the top floor, our kid.

Radisson-style penthouse suite!

Smooth running, Waj.

"Smooth running, Waj. Smooth running."

You killed Hassan! He bottled.

You took away his choice. You de-martyred him.

Did Waj have a choice when you told him his heart was his brain and his gob was his ring piece?

You tomatoed your friend.

Barry... You've killed the special-needs donkey.

(Police siren)

No, I haven't.

Let him blow!

Let the retard blow!

Fuck!

(Helicopter overhead)

(Police siren)

(Applause and cheering)

Oi, you, stop!

(Horn)


All right, bro?

Hey!

Stay there!

I'm fucking loaded! Yeah?

No messing now, yeah?

That's it. Stay there.

Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.

Shut it!

Right, lads. See this, yeah?

Any of you do anything, we're all turning baked beans, all right?

No fucking messing now. Yeah?

(Radio) Target confirmations are ostrich and grizzly bear.

Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.

The bear is down. Repeat, the bear is down. I got the bear.

I think that's a wookie. That's a wookie.

No, it's not, it's a bear.

Is a wookie a bear, control?

The bear target has changed. Target bear is now target Honey Monster.

Is a honey monster a bear?

A honey monster is not a bear.

A honey monster is a bear.

The honey monster is down. He was a target. He was a bear.

The honey monster is down?

The honey monster is not down, control. We have a wookie down.

What's a wookie? A bear. It's a bear!

No, it is a wookie. You've just shot it as a bear.

Is a wookie a bear? It's a bear. Repeat, it's a bear.

The wookie is down. The wookie is not the target.

Well, it must be the target. I just shot it.

I'll just finish this, then we're all off to heaven, all right?

Martyrs' suite, VIP lounge.

Are you going to kill us?

Well, I might have some seconds, but I kind of am, yeah.

Why?

For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.

But we support jihad, bro.

I can't explain it, lads, but...

If brother Omar were here, I swear he'd tell you knowledge proper good.

(Mobile rings)

Omar? Waj?

Are you in paradise, bro? No, bro.

I'm in a cafe. Where are you? I'm in a kebab shop.

I've got hostages and everything, like Xbox Counter-Strike.

Right, listen, Waj. You've got to... Thing is, they're all brothers.

I still get points for taking them with me, though, yeah? Like Nectar card?

Omar?

Let them all go. Just keep one of them. Eh?

Just grab one of them. Let the rest of them go, Waj.

OK.

Right, you stay.

You three can go.

Go!

OK. Now listen, Waj.

What you were saying before about this being wrong, you were right, it is wrong.

I don't... What do you mean? For you.

For you, Waj, doing what you're doing is wrong.

Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro. But that's why it's right, yeah?

No, you're confused, bro.

I'm not confused, brother.

Yes, you are confused. I confused you.

But when I'm confused, I got my confused face.

Wait.

Bro, I just took a picture of my face. It's defo not my confused face.

Waj, I don't need... I'll send it you.

Waj. Waj, wait.

Listen to me, Waj. Wait.

"Listen to me." It's too late to stick your hand up his arse now.

Aargh!

Oh!

Ah, look at the Paki Bono.

You want to call him?

You want to call the special-needs donkey?

Here you go.

You forgot the SIM card.

Mind out. Mind out the way.

Easy, chap. OK.

It's all right, I can Heimlich. That's it, don't fight me.

Wait. I've done this before, sonny.

That's it. Don't fight it.

That's it, that's it.

And catch the peanut!


(Mobile rings)

Number withheld. I don't do "number withheld".

Answer it, bro. It could be important!

Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.

Waj? Have I won?

Waj, this is Ed. I'm with Special Branch. I'm just outside.

How did you get this number? Waj, can we talk?

Have you got agents at Orange? I'm sorry?

You've got proper double agents working at Orange, haven't you?

I knew I should have gone to O2. I've got loads offriends on O2.

Waj, what are your demands?

I don't have any.

Excuse me, mate. Have you got a SIM card for this phone, please?

Not for that model, but we can sort one out for you if you want to come with me.

Can you make this work. I need it. Is it on?

It's only a display model. Do you want that one?

Yeah, I want it. I need it.

Gordon? Can you get that phone for me, please, mate?

Waj, why are you doing this?

Rubber Dinghy Rapids.

Sorry?

Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro. Fast track.

Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.

No queue. You like funfairs then, Waj?

It's not a funfair, bro, it's a theme park.

Funfair? How old are you?

Alton Towers got a spa, bro.

Just now. All right, mate.

I'm doing it for you. Would you like 12 months?

Contract? Any.

Do the call plan. All right, mate.

Easy, bro, easy. I'm doing it for you.

I think I'm going to go now, bro. Wait, Waj. What about girls?

I bet you like the ladies.

Is this your first time, bro?

Are you a virgin at this?

Please, Waj, can we talk about girls?

You fill that out. Fill it out.

What sort of call plan would you like? What?

We've got the Labrador? The Dragon?

Just any? How about the Hermit Crab?

Huh? It's 1800 free texts.

Forget it.

I've still got your card.

OK, we can talk about girls.

Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj?

I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.

Yeah? You like them big, Waj? Yeah.

And nice fit arses, too, man.

You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj?

I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man.

You're a massive arse man.

What are you saying? I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.

You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer?

No. Fuck off!

Fucking Boy George!

Don't worry, brother Nabil.

Hold on to these.

When I press the clicker, just think about taking out the kuffar.

You'll be in paradise before me, bro!

But there's no kuffar here, bro.

Yeah, but...

Brother Faisal, he's a martyr and he only blew up a sheep.

I think you might be confused, brother.

I'm not.

You look confused.

Sorry. Matt!

Omar! Matt!

Yeah, man, listen. Have you got a signal on your phone?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

I'll level with you Matt. I'm Ml5.

Special undercover job. I'm a spook.

What?

So what's going on?

Fathers 4 Justice.

They've teamed up with the Real IRA. It's the nightmare scenario.

Jesus. Yeah. Just give me five.

(Mobile rings)

Fucking "number unknown" again.

Is that whammer cop going straight to hell or what?

What are you doing? Hello?

Hello, Waj, bro. It's Omar. Omar?

Omar?

Waj. Tell me what to do, bro.

I think I might be confused but I'm not sure.

Listen, bro. You do what I do, right?

You do the same as me, OK?

Yes, brother, I'll do the same as you.

Right, OK. I'm going give myself up, bro.

Eh? I'm going to give myself up, bro.

(Crash)

Waj? Waj!

Waj? Waj?

Brother, what am I? What am I doing, brother?

Waj! Waj! What am I doing, brother?

Pick up the phone! Bro, what am I doing?

All right, mate?

I'm sorry, lads. I don't really know what I'm doing.

What was that?

Are you all right?

(Police sirens in the distance)

Omar, are you all right?

Now, you stay here. And you tell them I were smiling.

What?

Smile on my face. Could be important.

Right... Smile.

Is there? Yeah.

Where are you going?

Omar?


This is RAF Mildenhall, but it's actually Egypt.

When you entered the base, you left Britain, and you passed through US jurisdiction and into this container, which is internationally recognised as the sovereign territory of Egypt.

You are now in Egypt.

There are some pretty hellish Egyptians behind that door there.

They use electrodes. They use drills.

Biro refills. Do you know what I mean?

I don't know anything about my brother.

We know a lot more than you think we do.

(Matt) All right, let's get one thing straight. Omar Khan had nothing to do with this.

Cos I knew him and I worked with him.

Did you know he was actually working for Ml5?

Cos he told me that himself.

The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, but, as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded.

Is that clear?

(Hassan) Today you felt our exploding sword in your fat oppressor stomachs, man.

(Raps) We're the muslimeen and we're making terrible scenes Now you wanna know what the boom-boom means?

It's like Tupac said: "When I die, I ain't dead

"Fight and be slain, die with no pain Got shaheed in my heed, for my creed I daheed We are the martyrs, you'sjust smashed tomatoes Now we've got... (Waj) Bro? What were that?

For my creed, I daheed What's "daheed", though?

Died.

Daheed, died. Daheed. That's bollocks, man.

You're rhyming doolally. That's clear, man.

No, no, look. In my opinion...

Look, no, man. In your opinion? Your opinion's shit, man.

With all due respect, bro, you like Maroon 5.

What the fuck's that about?

Come here. Whoa, whoa!

Come here, man. I'm joking!

When we talk about a so-called terrorist attack on the London marathon, we should remember one thing:

Most loud bangs are not bombs, they're scooters backfiring.

This footage, taken from an American spy plane.

Appears to show two trainee Mujahideens struggling with a rocket launcher.

Firing it at an Arab training camp and accidentally blowing up Osama bin Laden.

The western imperialist culture has left you like materialist junkies, mainlining iPods and Humvees and TK Maxx into a spiritual void.

Is Mad Qadeer watching this?

What? Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me £200.

Mad Qadeer, if you're watching, right, you owe me £200.

And you're gonna pay up.

Cos I'm not here right now.

I'm somewhere else, but you're still gonna pay.

You're going to pay Saf. Saf, if you're watching, bro, you go round Mad Qadeer's house, right, and you get him to pay me my £200, cos he's owed it me a long time.