Frat Pack (2018) Script

Yeah. Oh, yeah. There we go.

No, no, no, let's not...

Take your shirt off, little boy.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, this is... Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I just needed the toilet. Just pee your pants.

Stop it. Oh, yeah.

No. Yes!

No. Yes!

You shut up, you baby.

Yeah. Shut up! Shut up!

Oh, here, look at the butterfly. You gotta look at the butterfly.

Now look at the butterfly. Now look at the butterfly.

Look at the butterfly. Oh!

Ooh, look at the butterfly. Ooh!

For the record, I did not sign up for this.

This is not the sort of situation I would typically choose to be in.

Just thought that you should know that.

Help! Oh, yeah.


Hello there, I'm Elliot.

This is my village. In England.

It all started one summer.

I'd just graduated university and I had to move back in with my mother.

I was having a bit of a tough time finding a job.

Oh, and I was recently dumped.

So, yeah, the first days of adult life were looking promising.

Wakey-wakey, hands off your snakey.

I'm not... Mom, morning.

You're not looking at those smutty sites, are you?

Like FuckTube and YouTug.

Ugh. No. Why have you even heard of things like that?

There's a better girl out there for you, darling. Don't you worry.

I always thought Alison was a bit of a whore anyway.

Mom!

Just a mother's intuition. Anyway...

I want to tell you that I've met a lovely American chap.

What? Yes. At the convention in Chicago.

We met in the bar and he bedded me in his room that night.

And I'm going to marry him. What?

Now, don't get over-excited.

I'm not getting over-excited, I'm just hoping this is a joke or something.

A weird joke. Honestly.

He's the first man since your father left to make me feel pleasure.

That's completely unnecessary.

Honestly, I've been craving a man.

Then please stop being honest, Mom.

He's a lovely chap, you're going to really like him.

Is he here?

Oh, no, you're going to meet him.

What are you on about?

He's bought you a ticket.

Where? To America.

Really? Yes.

Where? Bismarck, North Dakota.

Oh, where the hell is that?

Well, now, I've heard it's a lovely place.

They call it "The Orlando of the North."

Without the Disneyland or the tropical weather, of course.

What? So, you'll stay there for a while, I'll be here and wrap up stuff at work and then join you on the weekend for our little wedding.

This weekend?

Darling, if you don't like it, you don't have to move.

Mom, this is...

What's the harm in going and meeting everyone?

I understand American girls quite like a British accent.

I have something for you.

Oh, my God. Gross.

Well, now hang on. Why are there so many of them as well?

Would you like to see a photo?

No.

Here's my Romeo.

Oh, my good God, Mom. His name is Michaelson.

What? Michael? Son.

Son? Michaelson.

Michaelson? What sort of a name is that?

Oh, don't be silly, darling, please.

He's got two lovely sons.

Sean, the accountant, and Joey.

I hear he's a bit of a character.

It'll be the start of a new chapter... I don't care.

Mom, I want nothing to do with these people.

I am not going.

Welcome to North Dakota, the least visited state in America.

Not so fast, slick.

I beg your pardon? Pardon yourself, assface.

Freak out and I'm going to homicide you.

Now, walk and act casual.

Come on.

Come on.

Keep it fucking moving. Okay.

Hello, guv'nor!

Me name is Winston Churchill.

Welcome to America.

The fucking US of A!

Wolverine isn't English, moron.

Yeah, but Hugh Jackson is, you dumbass.

Dude, you got his name wrong, and he's Australian.

He's not from Austria, you tool.

Will you two blokes stop cunting about, eh?

A little creepy? A little creepy with the masks?

Off with your heads, then!

Oh, yeah. Hey. Michaelson.

How are you doing, eh? This here's Sean.

I begged them not to do it.

What up, dude? I'm Joey.

But my friends call me "Young Joseph."

Dude, nobody calls you that.

Shut up. Hey, you like the OG shit?

You like the OG shit. Huh, El, you like the OG shit?

All right.

All right. That's how we like it.

That's how we roll.

It's great. Yeah.

You know what? Never mind that.

Nah, let's get going.

Do you want the Beatles? Do you want that?

You want the Beatles? Okay.

So it's a three-bedroom casa upstairs, so you'll be crashing here in my dojo down here. Yeah.

And I hope you don't mind the girls being in here, 'cause they love Joe's room.

Oh, the cats? Yeah.

I'm actually slightly allergic.

What? Holy shit!

I gotta get the girls out of here!

It's not... It doesn't really matter, but...

It's a mild allergy.

Look, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

Consider this an official apology, okay?

Okay. We had no idea.

We're all cat lovers here.

That's Princess over there.

This is Cosby. This was before Cosby did all that shit, I named it.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

My mom actually gave me allergy medicine, so...

Your mom is an angel sent directly from God's bosom.

Directly! Directly! Directly.

I like techno. Okay.

I love hip-hop, I like... I like kale, I like Uber X, I like social medias, I like all that shit, El!

I'm telling ya, if you're thinking I'm some kind of weirdo, I'm a... I'm actually pretty cool.

I'm pretty cool. Mmm-hmm.

I think I'm...

I think I'm pretty nervous.

Is the cat okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I think he went to the bathroom. I gotta go.

Really beautiful house.

Oh, yeah, did my dad set you up okay?

Yes. I'm in the sort of Asian-inspired room. I've got my own punch bag and...

Right. The dojo. Yeah.

Sorry about the cats. Um...

Ever since our mom died, my dad's been really into them.

Oh.

Sometimes he just tries too hard.

I just think he really wants you to like him.

So, what's up, are you in a costume or some shit?

Dude... I'm just saying.

We need to make him look less like Doctor Who before the trip. That's all.

I just... I wasn't really sure what was appropriate to wear in...

I can dress you in my threads if you're cool with the smell of pussy, because they be covered in that shit, yo.

He's a moron.

So, you just graduated college?

Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, cool, did you go to Hogwarts?

You see...

Total moron.

Okay.

All right. You dudes better be hungry.

Get out of here.

Ah. Yeah.

Oh, wait, pizza's here. All right!

Hey, El, they got pizza in the UK?

Uh, yup. Cool.

Awesome. Hi, guys.

Hey!

Hey! Hey, all right!

Okay. Yay.

Hi, I'm Skylar. Hi. Elliot.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

This must be so crazy for you, coming out here to meet these guys.

Uh... Yeah, a bit.

Yeah, that looks good.

After you.

Oh. Thanks.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

I got something for you, El.

A little English food, huh? Oh.

Oh, yeah! Oh.

Your tea and crumpets, sir.

Thanks. Yes, of course. My pleasure.

Looks great. Like you never left home, right?

Are you guys excited for the road trip?

Fuck, yeah! Fucking road trip, baby.

Hey, are Amy and Shu driving with you?

Yeah, and some girl from work wants to come.

Oh, yeah, I bet she wants to come.

Atta boy, Joey.

Joey! Right? Whoo, whoo, whoo.

Sniff it. Yeah. Yeah.

That's my boy.

So... Sorry, what is it that we're doing, exactly?

Oh, it's alumni weekend at our college in Colorado.

Yeah, my frat is throwing a fucking rager.

Yeah. Listen, after dinner, why don't you guys pop a few brewskis, fill El in on the road trip, and then I'm gonna hit the dojo.

Right after this, I'm gonna give Sean a little ass-pounding in a game called "Ass-pounding."

You guys got that in the UK?

No. You're gonna...

You're gonna pound me in the ass?

The fuck you trying to say?

You just said you were gonna pound my ass.

That's your new family.

Don't even think about it. I'm not gay.

Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound, pound, pound...

Oh.

Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound!

So, I thought you and Sean were, like, boyfriend and girlfriend.

Gross, no. You're gross.

I just grew up next door.

They're like my brothers.

But you all ended up going to the same university?

Yeah, we wanted to get away from Bismarck. Shocker, huh?

Joey had Van Wilder complex, so we all graduated about the same time.

I can hear you. You know it's true.

Sean hates his job and Joey's just living at home, doing this.

All he ever talks about is the fraternity still.

This trip's gonna be good for them.

Well, I think life after uni can be a bit tough.

You know? Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe this will be good for you, too.

Oh.

What's up, sluts? Just kidding. It's a thing...

Fridge! Okay, so this is Daniel.

They call him "Fridge" because he's big or eats out of a fridge a lot or something? I don't know.

Okay. Who's this guy?

Uh... Fridge, Elliot. Elliot, Fridge.

Hello.

I work for the US government.

Right. What do you do?

Um... I'm kind of in-between... jobs at the moment.

Yeah, "funemployed." Yeah.

You don't work for the US government, Fridge.

You're a meter maid.

Parking enforcement officer, okay?

Still working for the government, Sean.

Shut up, Fridge.

You got it, bro.

Do you want another beer?

Yeah, but I'll get us one. All right.

Oh, my God, are you okay? Yup, just another cat.

It was a cat.

Morning, Dad. Whoo! New record.

Road trip, motherfucker!

I'm really not feeling very comfortable in the clothing Joey's given me.

I don't know, let me see. Spin.

I see what you mean. It's a little straightforward.

I mean, I didn't go to their college, but I sure do like to have fun.

Like, on weekends, I'll wear a shirt with a more humorous slogan, like, "I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

Oh, yes, very clever.

Shut up, Fridge. It's a wonder why he never gets laid.

Morning, yo!

Oh, hi. I can carry that for you.

Oh, no, you don't have to.

Not a fan of the po-pos, huh?

No, I would never usually wear something like this.

Hey, when's the evil witch arriving? Stop!

She's coming now.

Hey!

Let me out of this bento box.

Road trip, bitches!

Fuck, yeah, bitches! Oh.

So, Elliot, this is Shu and that's Amy.

We all went to college together.

Oh. Hello, nice to meet you. Elliot.

Elliot!

E.T., that's a great film.

He sounds weird.

Sorry. Hello, ladies.

Let's get out of here and ditch these losers.

Okay.

My friend will be here in a minute.

That's right, you got a hot teacher chick coming.

Who is she?

She's the gym instructor at my school.

She's going through a really bad breakup, so I thought she'd appreciate some time away.

She'll appreciate my crane.

Come on, dude, no.

She's got a really cool personality.

Yeah, that's code for pig.

Guys, stop. That's her right now.

God fucking damn it!

Hi, friend! Oh, keep your distance.

Oh. Breakfast burrito's resting uneasy in my gut.

Are you okay?

We'll know in an hour, won't we?

What the fuck?

This is Shu and Amy...

Hey. Hey.

...and these are the guys. Hi, I'm Sean.

Young Joseph.

Fatima.

Who? Huh?

What's your name? Fatima.

I'm Daniel.

But people call me Fridge, 'cause I'm strong or something.

It's whatever, it's weird.

Cool name. Yeah?

How do you do? Elliot.

Brit, huh? Yup.

I bet you are. Okay.

Um, we're gonna head out.

I'm driving and Skylar's shotgun.

See you guys on the road. Bye.

See ya. Bye. El, I wanna talk to you for a second.

Hey, listen, I really appreciate you being so cool about everything, you know?

And I really love your mom and I know we're gonna be a really happy family.

Okay. That being said, go out there and get some American ass!

Be safe, huh?

Don't be late to my motherfucking wedding.

Yeah, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Road trip, bitches!

Drugs and sex and fucking, sucking...

Road trip it, motherfucker!

Oh, yeah. Whoo. They're gone.

Got my run in, my shake.

Jerk off.

Dude, did you hear what that girl's name was?

Yeah.

Yo, El, did you hear?

Yeah, I heard.

No, but did you actually hear it?

Yeah, I heard it.

No, you don't get it. It's "Fat-ima."

She's fat and her name is...

Fatima. I know. I got it.

No, I don't think you pronounce it like that, okay, guys?

I think it's "Fa-tima."

You know, it's like a beautiful song.

No way! It's "Fat-ima," but she's actually fat!

You don't get it.

No, I got it.

We got it. I fucking got it.

Oh, you don't get it.

Yeah, we get it. We get it.

We are taking a different route to those idiots, right?

There's really only one route.

And they're great guys, anyway.

That English dude seems kind of cute.

Oh, yeah? I guess he is kind of cute.

A Brit fingered me once.

No complaints.

All right, we gotta swing by Kush's yard and get rigged up.

Yeah.

Wait, what does that mean? Marijuana.

Oh.

I don't think we have time, guys.

We should just keep driving. Just keep on driving.

No, this party's gonna be a rager. Yeah. Honk, honk!

We gotta do shit right.

I'm not showing up empty-handed.

Yeah, look, I... I don't wanna be the sort of party pooper or whatever.

I'm not really comfortable with the whole drugs thing, you know, it's not really my thing.

I've just applied for a job and...

No, fuck that! We're gonna rage like true frat stars, all right?

We're gonna get you some Smir to get things started, some brewskis to keep the form, a little... bombers to keep things going, fucking...

You know, and do shots to black out and do whatever the fuck you do when you're blacked out.

And then... you know, smoke a doob to level out and then snort a ripper in the morning to get back on track.

You know what I'm saying? Good time!

I have no idea what you just said.

You guys remember Steve Collins?

Oh. Skeazy Steve.

Don't even go there.

That's right! You and Skeazy Steve had a skeazy sesh together.

Oh! It was freshman year.

It was so long ago, I can pretend it never happened.

But it did happen.

Oh, it definitely happened.

So, what are we talking about, here? Intercourse?

No. Just a good old college beej.

Ew! She had Skeazy Steve's wiener in her mouth. Ugh!

Oh!

I love giving blowjobs.

No, you don't. No girl actually likes it.

No girl likes blowjobs.

I do.

You know what it is? Guys watch too much porn these days.

Yes. Yeah, we're not porn stars.

We're not!

Skeazy Steve tried to jizz on my face.

Stop. Yeah.

As if girls actually want that. Ew...

You didn't let him, did you? God...

Fuck you, man!

Is this area safe?

Fuck yeah. This is my hood, yo.

This isn't actually your hood, yo.

We'd be back where we came from, right? With Dad.

It says right here that seven people were murdered last week.

Right on this spot.

What? Isn't that crazy?

Yeah. Do you guys have smartphones in the UK?

Yeah. No, I mean like smartphones like this.

Not like... "Operator, can I get me mum?"

But like this. Yeah, yeah, no, we've got smartphones.

I don't think so.

Yo, this is the spot.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Kushy's got the best weed in the world.

All right, well, I guess he's out for tea or something.

So, we should probably just go.

Bhagwan. Oh, Kush-dog!

Kush be waiting for the vermin exterminator.

Ah, we... We came to get some weed.

Me brethren come to me house for trees? Yeah.

Yo, you're gonna have to translate his British. I don't get it.

That's definitely not British.

Yo, Joe, let's make this quick, okay? We will.

Really quick. Is anyone else concerned about the...

He's got a firearm. I'm going.

Have yourself some seats, brothers.

Can we please go?

Project for a bitch.

This is a lovely place that you have here.

We can't stay very long, so... Have a seat.

Not there!

Oh, bloody hell.

Kush been having trouble with the enemy and the dirty rats.

But...

Nothing to worry about.

Yo, he's cool. He's just paranoid.

He's just smoked way too much weed for a human.

Way too much.

Yeah, so, we'd love to grab an eighth, and then we'll just get out of your hair.

This weed be called... "the Damp Hamster."

Right. Well, Joey, would you like to pay the gentleman and we'll just take the damp hamster somewhere else?

I smoke with the brother.

Uh... I don't think...

Do we need to smoke? No, we don't need to do that.

We don't need to smoke right now. Not really in the mood.

Two hits... with the damp hamster...

It make your life go crazy.

Your heart feel like it explode, your head feel like it be in the tumble dryer, your face feel like it being eaten by a cow, your ass feel like it being entered.

And then you crash hard.

I have to say, I'm not particularly in the mood for any of those sensations right now.

You know?

The friends of Kush smoke with the Kush.

Oh, my God.

Thank you very much.

Be friends with the Kush.

The sensation of the ass being entered.

Yup, I felt it.


Where the fuck did you come from?

I've been here the whole time.

Guys, please wake up.

There's a rat in here.

No, no, no! I assure you, I'm not a rat.

Your business is your business, sir. Okay?

Wake up! There's a rat in me house!

Holy shit!

Watch out for the rat! What rat?

Where? Here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! We would never rat on a G, man!

What rat? Where?

There be rat!

Kush!

Get out of here, filthy rats!

Invade the purity of the house of the Kush.

The rat!

Oh, God, wait for me!

No! Wait for me!

No!

I thought it was the passenger seat.

It's the other way round in England.

Let's go!

Get it in there, come on!

No, no, no! I'm high as fuck! Come on, go, man!

Hi, ladies. I'm Saul.

Hi, Saul.

I'm gonna be your server on this splendid summer day.

You decided?

Surf and turf. Surf and turf.

Two Dr. Peppers, no ice.

I'm gonna have the... They have chow mein.

What was that? They have chow mein.

Oh, I thought I could try the Western food for the first time in my life.

Don't do it on account of us.

Don't worry about it. Do you have Caesar salad?

Caesar salad? Yes. I'll take that.

It's delicious.

Oh, wait, chips and salsa and guacamole.

For the lovely Fatima.

I don't think you're pronouncing it correctly, it's "guacamole."

Guacamole. Gua... Guacamole.

You like? Okay.

I think we'll do the chips and guac for the table. That'd be great.

For the table. For the table will be great.

Thank you very much... Ow.

Great. Thank you, Saul. Thank you, Saul.

Yo, El, you're driving like a 'tard.

You need to speed up, bro. Yeah.

Would you just give me a break?

I've never driven on the right side of the road before.

There's a rat! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! There's a rat! There's a rat!

What now, the hizzy?

You guys are stupid.

There's a miniature lion in here!

Oh, my God.

Why is there a fucking cat in the car?

It's Princess. It's been in here the whole time.

Right, well, we gotta turn around.

No. Yeah.

We're not turning around.

Why don't we just give it to a child or a lonely vagrant?

No, no, no. My dad loves his cats.

We're gonna have to just, you know, just take him with us.

Yes! Road trip! Oh, road trip, you little pussy.

Can someone else please take over driving?

No. No, no, no. I'm too stoned, dude.

But you know what? There's a diner and we can stop and I'll take over.

Yup, let's go to a diner. I'll take over.


Oh, my God.

There's policemen over there.

Do you think they can tell we're under the influence of drugs?

Weed's legal, bro. It's fine.

Legal? Yeah.

Then why the good fuck did we buy it from that lunatic?

Is that a rhetorical question?

What? No. What? No.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, look. It's the girls.

Oh, my God, did they follow us or something?

I'm gonna get some cereal.

Yeah! Get some cereal! Yeah!

That sounds good actually.

Did somebody order some stud muffins?

Fucking hell. Hey, do you mind, tits, move over?

Oh, Jesus!

I'm sorry. What the fuck?

Thank you. Excuse me.

All right.

May I sit here? Thank you. Yeah, of course.

She's so clumsy. Ew.

You guys reek of weed.

Yeah, my idiot brother nearly got us killed by a deranged drug dealer.

It was so dope.

Ladies, your food will be right out.

Thanks, Saul.

Hey, monsieur, could I get a bowl of cereal, please?

Yes, I will also like a bowl of cereal, monsieur.

Actually, that sounds really good. I'll do the same, please, thank you.

Oh, make that six. And a steak.

How high are you morons?

Quite uncomfortably high.

Six cereal and a steak.

Just give me a shout if you need anything else.

Okay, yeah, can I have six more sodas with some sesame seeds and some sweet and sour sauce on my sausage?

Seriously? Seriously.

Seriously? Yes. Seriously.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Joey!

Did you see what I did?

You see what I did?

No, I missed it. It must have been really subtle.

Don't judge all of America on Joey. Okay.

Okay, well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to, uh, go the toilet.

Don't you mean the loo?

Oh, yes. I'm going to the loo to do a number two.

Ew!

Yeah, I'm not. No. I didn't... I didn't mean that.

I meant... one is all I need.

I'm really high, so... Okay, bye.

He likes you!

Stop. Stop it.

Oops. Oh!

Sorry.

It's not funny. It's what you get!

It's bad service.

Oh, my God.

Seriously, I'm not wearing this anymore.

It really does suit you though.

I got some less gangster shit if you're not feeling that.

Surprisingly, I'm not feeling it, considering it only says "Fuck the police" in giant letters.

So, where are you guys staying tonight?

Oh, we haven't thought that far ahead.

Maybe we should stay where you guys are staying.

Fuck that! These bitches made bank.

I live foot-to-mouth, my dog. I don't do that.

I'm pretty sure it's "hand-to-mouth."

And what is that?

And I'm sure us bitches got the last room.

Is that a cat in your car?

Yup.

Okay, I think we're gonna head out.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Oh!

What the F was that? Shut up. Please shut up. Go away. Go away.

Oh, guys, I'm gonna text you an address for tomorrow, so meet us there at noon, all right?

It's a surprise, like your hug.

Shotgun.

Shotgun. Oh, he's learning.

Yo, El, please stop being a baby dick around Sky.

What is he on about?

Well, you do kind of like her.

Yeah.

You wanna bang her, right?

Well, no, I like her, so...

You just tried to give her some sort of Special Ed hug back there. Uh-uh.

No. No, it was a hug goodbye.

Just a friendly hug goodbye.

You know what you should have done?

You should have ignored her at lunch, hit on her friends, and then bitched her out when we were leaving.

Guarantee you, she would have blown you.

Great. In the parking lot. In the parking lot.

If she would have done that, I would've... Shut up, Fridge.

Seriously, the worse you treat them, the more they want you.

It's the golden rule.

American girls are, like, attracted to douchebags.

Trust me, bro. I know what I'm talking about.

I really do.

What are you doing?

No warning, nothing. Just...

Okay. I had that cereal with the chunky milk and then more of the creamer.

You did have...

What the hell is going on?

Rank!

It's the creamer, right?

I breathed, and there's... I smelled his puke.

He's awesome.

My T-shirt is covered in vomit.

Fine, here's another one.

Oh, God.

No. No, here.

No. No, no, you're not gonna have that. No.

Sorry. Sorry, just...

Sorry. You know...

Praise the Lord on this fine day.

Praise him.

Yup... praise him.

Has the Lord exposed himself to you in all his ways?

Exposed himself? I would say... not... not... not...

Do you have tea? Could I get a cup of tea?

By the grace of the Lord, we have tea of the iced variety.

Okay, not hot tea?

If iced tea was good enough for Jesus at the Last Supper, it's good enough for you, buddy.

Amen.

All right.

I'm not sure that's biblically accurate, you know?

Uh... Orange soda, then, instead. That would be great.

Big Slurp?

Yes. One of those. Not quite sure what it means, but I'll trust this gentleman. No.

Praise the Lord. Big Slurp it is.

What? Come on. Okay.

Sorry, are we gonna be sharing this?

No, we're not.

3.99. In God we trust.

Yeah, I wish you'd hurry up, too. Okay, sorry.

Have a nice day.

Go with God.

You're in God's country.

I noticed, thank you. It's very nice.

We're his favorite.

I found us a motel 50 miles from here.

And it says here... it's Ladies Night across the street, at the adults only bar.

Hey, man, chill, okay? Dad gotta take a pee.

Okay.

Oh!

No. No, you shouldn't be in here.

Boy, what you be doing?

Get out. Please, respect my privacy.

You could not be in here.

Oh, hell, no! Get out.

No, no, no! This must look rather inappropriate.

You nasty motherfucker!

Wait, I can't find Princess. Princess is gonna take a little time-out.

Go! Start the car!

What are you doing?

Go! Go, go!

Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! That's right, you better run!

You better run. I'll find you.

Come on! Big-Slurping motherfucker!

It's not funny.

It's not funny.

Did you just lure that man's child?

No, I didn't do any luring at all.

Okay, I think the real question is: Are you a child molester?

No, I didn't think we'd actually have to clarify that bit. No, I am not.

Is this a British thing? Yeah, I hear Brits are really into that.

Yeah.

I'm not down with that.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's not cool. Very funny. Very, very funny.

Give me a K! K!

You got your K, you got your K!

Give me an A! A!

You got your A, you got your A!

Give me a double-P! Double-P!

You got your P, you got your P!

Give me an A!

I don't know this song.

Give me an A!

You got your A.


There's a gas station up the road, if she could have just waited.

I can hear you.

When I have to go, I have to go!

I heard Brad Schlonghauser's gonna be at this party.

Oh, God, don't tell me that.

Why? This could be your chance to get him back.

I don't want him back.

Him dumping me was the best thing that could have happened.

He's like a juiced-up Ken doll.

Can you turn the other way? You're kind of giving me stage fright.

I seen it all before.

Lots of times.

Sky? Can you hurry this up?

Thank you.

"Hey ladies, I'm Brad.

I've got a plastic stump instead of a dick, like an action figure."

"Hey ladies, I'm Brad. I Instagram myself daily at the gym, doing squats."

But he's so hot, though.

I feel like we've been here for an hour.

Okay, well, it takes me a long time because you kept talking.

Well, now it's my turn, so... Okay.

Look out for a girl.

You'll need to find some tissue.

I have a feeling this isn't just gonna be a number one.

Sky?

Oh, my fucking God.

Sky?

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, that's deadly!

Yo, stop the car! Yo, back up. Back up.

Oh, come on, Joey, no.

It's just frat letters on my chest... KOK.

Like a true frat star for the party.

Yeah, but it's not just for the party, it's your life, man.

It's permanent.

Yeah, we're frat brothers for life, so...

I'm cool with permanent.

You little lambs got an appointment?

"Little lambs"?

Not that you need one. I ain't done a tattoo in over a month.

Yo, I've changed my mind.

Thank God, let's go. No.

I don't want the frat letters.

I want those.

Oh, no, no, no. See, those are in memory of people who have passed away.

Sorry for your loss.

Or people you've murdered.

What? Right.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

I wanna rock that shit.

Joe, I love you. Homo.

You're my brother, but you gotta trust me when I tell you, you don't want that tattooed on your face.

I want it in memory of Mom.

Oh, well...

Damn dog.

He's shitting all over the house. It's everywhere.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear God.

You got a name? Joey.

AKA Young Joseph.

They call me Dirty.

You know how I got my name?

Well, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist, right?

No, why?

Now, it all started when I was just, like, a little gator.

You know, I'd run around fixing what needed to be fixing... and beating on whatever needed to be beat on.

And my auntie was breastfeeding my baby sister.

And I come in from the yard all covered in mud and blood.

Now, my momma said, "Boy, your hands are..."

Dirty? "Delicate."

So she tells me to use my hands to clean the dead vermin out of the drain.

So, I reach my hands right down in there and use my nails to scrape off the goo and guts.

And my daddy says, "Boy, you sure are..." Dirty.

"Detailed."

Years later, when I got my own trailer, and the refrigerator's full of mice and the john's full of flies and there's roaches all over the bed, everybody kept saying, "Boy, your trailer sure is..."

Well, I mean, I think the word should be "dirty," but I'm guessing it was something else.

"Designer."

And I laugh. I laugh, like a...

Grown man being called designer?

Well, that sure is funny.

Um... So, maybe we should just end on that high note.

Maybe we should. Yeah.

No, no, no, guys. Before we go, we should probably find out.

Why do they call you "Dirty"?

My twin brother. He's an unhygienic piece of shit.

They always getting us confused and the name stuck.

Mistaken identity. I hate when that shit happens, you know?

So, how much does this cost?

Two hundred dollars. Fuck that. I can't afford that.

Excuse me? Okay, how about a hundred?

Hey, how about 300?

How about payment in the form of a pet cat?

Fuck you and your cat.

How much would the work you've already done cost us?

Fifty dollars.

Yeah? That was worth it.

I dig it. That's cool.

Oh, wow, place looks good, Shu. Nice work.

You're welcome. Give it up.

Are you still bringing your bedsheets?

Do you know how dirty the hotel ones are?

Hell, yeah.

I saw a documentary.

They found 6,000 traces of shit just on the light switch of the hotel.

And, like, ten million traces of, like, jizz all over the TV screen, like...

Oh.

Let's play truth or dare tonight.

Oh, my God. What are we, five years old?

I don't play that game anymore.

That's how I ended up in county.

As in, county jail?

What? I didn't know you went to jail.

Think they'd let me work at school if they knew I served time?

I stole someone's identity. We're all good.

Amy, bedmates.

For sure.

Don't drop the soap.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I don't know, it's got pretty good reviews online.

Yeah, from serial killers and rapists?

No, I got it. I got it.

Just come on. I got it.

Come on. No, I got it. I got it.

Dude.

Thanks, guys. No problem.

Are you open?

Of course we're open, man.

Sixty years.

And I'm the best around here, do you know?

I watch movies all the time. I watch all day...

How you doing?

Me? Are you talking to me?

He has to call you this. He has to call you this.

What do you mean by that, Mr. Sosa?

Is that British? No, that's definitely not British.

How do you know? That's not British.

How do you know? Don't worry.

I studied languages in high school.

I'll take care of this.

Um... Achtung. We want a room.

No, fuck that. I'm not sharing a room.

Why? Because...

I'm bringing chicks back and I don't need you freaks voyeuring in on me.

Where do you expect to find women?

I told you there was a hook-up adult place across the street. Huh?

How are you gonna get in? Come on.

Tonight is special on some ladies.

Ladies? Some... sex!

Sex? Yes. I definitely heard something about sex.

Fuck, yeah. Let's get wasted and have some sex with ladies.

You know what? I'm beat. I'm just gonna go to bed.

Yeah, you know what? I just wanna lay down in my bed and think about Fatima.

No.

It has been quite a long day. No. What? What? No.

You'll wingman with me, yes? Uh-huh?

Uh... Two rooms, my dude.

You two choads can jerk each other off in your room.

Me and the Brit are gonna be Eiffel Towering.

What does that mean?

This is slightly disappointing.

It's a little early.

Yeah.

Let's get some drinks.

All right. Okay. Let's get some drinks.

Line us up some brew-ha-has, my man.

No?

We're serving brain-ticklers tonight.

Hmm. Not... Probably not quite what we had in mind. Is there...

That's all we're serving.

What's in a brain-tickler?

Brain. Tickler.

Yeah, I'm gonna take two of them.

Um... Yeah, you are.

Beer or wine or... Stop.

Um...

So have you, like, thought about what you wanna do as a job?

Like, career path or anything?

Is that a rhetorical question?

No. No.

I'm not completely sure you know what rhetorical means.

Of course I do. I know what rhetorical means.

It's just your British accent.

Ah...

Cheers.

Wow.

I'm gonna take four more of them.

Ooh, I don't know.

And you can keep them flowing.

I don't know if I need any more of that. You look a little weird.

Feeling quite uncomfortable, actually. Quite strange.

I feel great.

Ooh.


Was that the right song? I don't know.

I don't know if I like my brains being tickled, you know?

And you know, also, I'm not sold on this whole, like, "be mean to girls and they'll like you" theory. No!

Trust me. Be a dick!

Next girl that walks in here, be a dick.

I don't know, I'd really prefer to just be nice, you know?

No. No. None of this nice guy, British bullshit.

It's... It's bullshit.

I just... I like to be nice and polite here.

See? It's meant to happen.

I... I knew it.

Ladies, hi!

Come join us. Okay.

Hi!

Pleasure to meet you, I'm Elliot. Hi. Joey.

Hi. Good evening.

I mean, that weather...

Stop it. Stop. It's good. It's been good.

Be a dick. I don't wanna do it.

Shut the fuck up and be a dick.

Be a dick. Okay, okay. I'll try, I'll try.

You, uh...

You certainly are, uh, smelly.

Aren't you?

Oh. Well, you're certainly turning me on.

Wh... Whoa!

Whoa!

You're a fucking master at this. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you stink.

Oh! Did you just queef?

Keep them flowing.

You want a drink, you fat pig-horse with hepatitis?

British.

Stop breathing on me. You reek.

You're a disturbed, demented, old wrinkly goat, aren't you?

What's that, your vagina or something?

Stinks of fish and shit... and stuff.

I look at you and I just see a soiled diaper in a dress.

Ready to shag, you dirty troll?


How you doing?

Hey. Hey there, Mr. James Bond.

I still need to get paid.

What, a righteous one?

Oh, what are you hiding under there?

Nothing. Is somebody else awake, finally?

No! Come on, 007.

No, no! This dirty troll still wants to get shagged.

Go away. Fancy a little rough-housing, eh?

No, I don't. No...

A little rough-housing will do you. No.

Huh? Huh?

Like it rough, a little rough?

You like... You like...

Get...

Oh!

Dude.

Did you just knock her out?

No, I... It's not a her, it's a he.

It's a man. It's a man.

Oh, shit!

I'm sorry. What did you do to Travis?

No. I'm sorry.

You did not! Oh, my God!

Wow. You're really into some freaky shit, huh?

First you molest a kid and now you fight a tranny?

I didn't... know she was a he. That brain-tickler drink fucked me up.

Well, you didn't have to beat her.

How about you try wrestling with a 200-pound man-woman trying to grab your penis?

I have! What?

Did you do anything with her? No! Thank God.

Joe?

Define "anything."

No! What?

Oh! Oh!

So, what did your lover think of your new tat?

What?

Oh, whatever. Let's not act like I'm the only one who got in bed with a tranny.

Anyways, at least my plan to get El laid paid off.

No, I didn't... But I didn't get laid.

Can we just make that totally clear?

I didn't do anything with her, okay?

Point is... my plan is legit.

If you do that at the frat party, panties are gonna just drop.

No. Yeah.

No.

And look, I'm really sorry to disappoint, but I'm not into this whole, like, "Let's get lots of chicks" thing.

Oh, please don't tell me what I think you're gonna say.

What?

Please don't tell me you're gay.

I already have one gay brother, and I just... I don't want another one.

I'm not gay, dude.

Yeah, we're going the wrong way.

No, Skylar has that surprise.

You're disgusting.

Oh, you should pull your dick out.

I have no desire to do that.

What is this place?

Whoo-hoo!


Whoa! Oh!

I want to go home!

So... Uh, so, this is crazy.

I don't know how you found a place like this.

No, what do you think of your new family?

Oh. Yeah, they're, um...

They're gr... They're great. They're... Yeah. They are.

Just so you know, this is the happiest I've ever seen them.

It really sucked when their mom died.

Your mom has really transformed Michaelson.

Eh... He's a bit odd, isn't he?

Oh, he's weird as shit. Yeah. Yeah, I think.

But in the best way.

To be honest, the fact he's around makes him better than my dad was.

I just don't want to see my mom getting hurt again.

Anyway... I shouldn't talk to you about that.

No, of course. It's your mom.

You should be protective.

I can't wait to meet her, by the way.

Oh, she can't wait to meet you, yeah.

You told her about me. No, I didn't.

Um...

No, maybe. I think just in...

I don't know, maybe in passing. Right, yeah.

Just in passing.

Just an accident or something.

So, I heard Fridge is riding with the girls.

Do you want to come in our car?

Yeah, I'd love to.

I'm a real aficionado for humorous apparel.

I have a range of humorous, hilarious T-shirts.

Such as "Orgasm Donor."

Oh, like in "organ donor," but with an orgasm. Orgasm.

Yeah. I appreciate that.

I have another one that says, "My idea of a balanced meal is a beer in each hand."

Amen.

Please stop.

And I just ordered this new one. It says, "FBI," but underneath it, it says...

Oh, "Female Body Inspector."

Yeah.

I swear I'm gonna crash this fucking car.

I got dumped, had to move back in with my parents because my salary doesn't cover my student loan payments.

It sucks. Yeah.

But how boring would it be if we had it all figured out, right?

That's true. It would be pretty boring, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

What an idiot.

Your ex-boyfriend. A complete moron. He's... He's gonna regret that forever.

I don't think he cares.

Really? Apparently, he wanted someone better.

That's why my ex dumped me. Really?

Well, she lost a keeper.

She did, didn't she? Yeah, screw her!

Screw her.

Does she know that you're a P-I-M-P?

I am a P-I-M-P.

I am. How did you know?

Okay. Turn your head.

No, Joey.

Can you drop me at the sorority, Sean?

Okay. Can I come?

Bye-bye.

Don't let him in.

Fridge.

Come on, Fridge.

Do it again. No, no, for real.

Okay. Yay!

See you at the party!

Whoo! College, baby! Young Joseph is back!

Are we here?

Is this it? Is this the fraternity?

Welcome to heaven, boys.

Prepare for your world to get rocked.

Well, I'm glad we drove all the way for this. This is great.

Oh, this is kind of disappointing.

I mean, I brought my party shirt, so...

Bitches!

Oh, God fucking damn it.

Not Jeffrey. Haven't you graduated yet?

Graduating is for losers, bro.

Who wants to go shove a marshmallow up a freshman's ass?

Come on. Don't be gay. You hear that?

Let's do this.

Go! Go! Go!


It's so weird being back here.

Right?

Let's do a "getting ready" selfie.

The OGs run through campus tonight.

Hell, yeah. Yeah.

Hashtag Hotties.

Hashtag NoFilter.

Hashtag WeWokeUpLikeThis.

Hashtag Blessed.

Febrezing my vageezy.

See? Didn't I tell you?

Yes, you did.

Hello, you.

When are the... When are the girls getting here?

It would be nice to hang out with Skylar.

Yeah, I think I want to hang out with Fatima, too.

Bro, she's gross. Seriously.

What the fuck, Joe?

What? Oh, she is. You both know it.

But he likes her.

It's the frat president, Eric Stahl, yo.

Yo, sick party, Eric.

Who the fuck are you? Joey.

I used to be a frat legend. You?

I've never heard of you.

And you're old as shit, bro.

No fucking legend.

What up, guys! Hey, girls. Hi.

Hello. Hi.

Where's Fridge? He went inside 'cause...

Shot-off!

Let's go. Come on. Get inside.

I'm gonna go find Fridge. Okay.

What's a shot-off?

Drinks, ladies?

Drinks, drinks!

And shots. Drinks and shots.

Shots and drinks.

You gotta win this, bro. You gotta prove that we're two rock stars.

There's a fucking live fish in one of them.

You look nervous.

Come on, you first, bitch.

Basically, you take it in turns to drink a cup.

Don't think about it, just do it.

Ohh!

Oh, my God. Yeah!

O-M-fucking-G, Brad Schlonghauser's here. Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

I need a drink.

My favorite ladies.

You miss me?

Yeah.

You girls are like a fine wine, you only get better with age.

Oh. Clever.

I have a vineyard, but... why am I talking about wine when I have champagne right in front of me?

I'm feeling that old... electric vibe...

Yeah. ...between us.

It's making my heart beat... like a drum kit.

Oh.

Okay.

You feeling that?

Feeling something.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

To vomit.

So, Brad, how long are you in town for?

When does this awful game end?

We won!

You wanna be a frat star?

Go outside and do the elephant walk with Jeffrey.

Right now! What is the elephant walk?

Okay, so, are you gonna grab my tail with your trunk, or am I grabbing your tail with my trunk?

Uh... You don't have a tail.

Come on, just grab my cock.

Come on, man!

I, uh...

I'm sorry, bro. I promise you, I'm a true frat star, but I can't do this shit.

Whoa! Yes!

Come on, don't be gay, man!

Yes! Yeah!

Oh. Hi, Amy.

Skeazy Steve.

Is that your new naughty name for me?

Hey, let me know if you wanna... dance later.

Yeah, I'll be sure to do that.

You know I'm talking about fellatio when I say "dance."

I can't believe you... Shut up, Shu!

Hello. Have you seen Skylar anywhere?

Yeah, I think she's inside.

Okay. Great.

Try to find her.

There he is!

Why would you do that?

Because it's fratty, baby, 'cause it's fratty.

No, you are my new special friend, Brit, you know that?

Really? No, man, you gotta come stay at KOK because fucking Alpha Sigma Sigma is fucking everything up.

I'm gonna put the cat in the car.

Don't leave me with him.

Tonight's gonna be a special night, Brit.

Really? Yup.

I'm getting a blumpkin.

A what? Blumpkin.

What's that?

It's a blowjob from a chick. Oh, great. Good.

While I'm dropping a dook.

What? It's fucking legendary, man.

No one, in the history of the frat, has ever achieved it.

Really? Very surprising. No, no...

I want you to get one with me.

Oh, uh, thanks for the offer, but I'm gonna pass.

You'll go down in history, man.

Yeah, not really what I want to be remembered for.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, I tried to do the elephant walk.

I can't do that shit. Fucking loser!

Okay, the only way I'll forgive you, and the only way you'll be seen as a frat star, is if you get your bitch brother to bang that cat.

That's fucking funny? No.

That's the most pussy he'll ever get.

All right, yeah. I'll make him do it. Fucking right!

Oh, my God, it's gonna be fucking awesome.

Motherfucking cat!

Whoo!

What are you doing?

I gotta make him do it.

I gotta have Eric Stahl look at me as cool.

Whatever... Whatever it takes.

Eric Stahl is a fucking lunatic. All right, what does it matter?

Because I wanna be seen as a frat legend again, okay?

You know, you may not believe this, but my life kind of sucks right now.

This is all Young Joseph's got.

Excuse me, mister.

I ordered a stud muffin, and I think you might be it.

I know this great burrito place around the corner.

What do you say we blow this popsicle stand?

You had me at "burrito."

Hey guys, how goes the party stuff in here?

Oh, man, I'm fired up some, baby.

What's up?

Should you maybe be a bit more subtle?

Nah, no way, man. You're in my house tonight.

My rules. My rules.

Are you following me on Instagram?

Seen all the badass things I've been doing?

No. Did I tell you I drive a BMW now?

Don't care.

You rip that, Brit.

No, thank you.

Rip it good.

...vanity plates that say, "Schlong."

The "S" is a 5, but... still dope.

Rip it, Brit. Rip that shit!

Rip it! Fuck it.

God!

Mmm! Yes!

Oh, man, you are a maniac!

No, man, I didn't even know they had fucking maniacs in the UK.

Yes. Oh!

Baby!

That is some potent shit.

That is good. That is good. I'm going to have another one.

Oh, man! Round two.

Mm-hmm.

I am a generous god, yes.

Oh! Snagging it all like a maniac.

Oh, man, I have to go poop.

It's go time.

Poop time!

Hello. Hello. Hello, you.

Hello. Hello.

Hey. How's it going?

So, I mean, they just, like, you know, they say just be a dick to her.

I don't want to be a dick.

Because I feel like I'm a nice guy.

But she's with that handsome guy.

She's treating me like a dick, you know?

I'm gonna... I'm just gonna try to be a dick.

I need to poop.

It's so weird how this drug does that, right?

You're just, like, sniff, and you're like...

Hey, there you are.

What's up, Skylar?

Nothing. What's up with you?

Just doing drugs and shit.

Gonna hit on some babes.

Ew.

All right, I'm gonna go get a drink.

Okay.

And score me a lighter.

Oh, no.

Have you seen a toilet round here?

Ooh. Don't mind if I do.

Ooh.

It's nice. Quite calming.

Everyone's so generous with their narcotics.

You seen the toilet?

Brilliant. Thank you.

Hello. Hello. Toilet?

This way?

Oh, baby! There you are!

Jesus, that's rank!

Come on, man, it's not too late to come join us.

Oh, fuck.

Mmm! It's happening. Fuck, yes!

Excuse me, do you know if there's another toilet around here?

Shut the fuck up, you're Australian?

Uh, British. Shut up.

I'm... I'm Mimi.

Oh, God.

Elliot. O-M-G, you're so hot.

I'm gonna speak in a British accent from now on.

No, no, there's no need. Would you like a spot of tea?

Please, nurky, have some more.

What is in that?

So, Sir Elliot, have you ever done Molly?

Uh, no. Don't lie, liar, liar, trousers on fire.

You just did.

What? No. Why'd you give me Molly? I don't want that.

Did we just have a Molly moment?

I don't know what we had. I don't know what's happening.

You want a light show?

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

Whoo-whoo!

Fuck. I think I'm hyperventilating.

Oh, yeah, massage train, yeah!

Oh, there you go, right... Oh, yeah!

Suddenly I'm feeling awful. Do you have a phone?

Get your phone. Get your phone out.

I can't feel my new phone.

I think I lost it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My heart... Insta-moment, Molly-faces!

In the camera there. There we go.

Stop. Stop!

Stop. You rolling?

No, I'm hyperventilating.

I don't know what's happening. Let's shag.

No. Come on.

No, please. Please. Come on. You know.

I need a doctor. I'm a doctor.

You pissed my bed. No, I didn't!

Yes, you did. What the...

Yes.

You lost my fucking skateboard, too.

I don't even know who you are.

You mother... What?

He's mine.

You! I just needed the toilet.

Just pee your pants. I got your dick in my face!

Okay, enough fun. You gotta go to school.

You try to get on the bus.

The sex bus!

Yes, you go to school. You go to my school.

Give me your arm, bitch.

How are you so strong?

I take kickboxing. It's my hobby.

You know, that, and knitting.

Knitting blankets to have sex on!

Oh, you shut up, you baby.

Shut up! Shut up!

Oh, here, look at the butterfly. Yeah, look at the butterfly.

Now, look at the butterfly. Now, look at the butterfly.

Now, look at the butterfly. Now, look at the butterfly.

Now, look at the butterfly. Okay.

Look at the butterfly.

Ooh, look at the butterfly. Ooh!

I think I'm having a panic attack. Oh, good, that'll help.

I'm gonna turn you into a man tonight.

Prepare to enter my forest.

I love you.

Look at the butterfly. Look at the butterfly.

Oh, yeah, boy!

Oh, my God, who is that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

Whoa. Well, what do we have here?

Here, buddy, hey. My name's Jeffrey, with a J.

Nice to meet you, I'm Elliot. Please untie me.

Can you help? Help.

Help.

Let's turn this into a little threeway.

No. No, no, no. Oh, yeah.

Yes! No way!

You're only young once, right?

I'm not even that young. Okay, look.

Untie me, please. Look at this mouth.

Look at... what? No. Oh, yeah.

No. Like a vagina.

No, it's not. Oh, yeah.

Oh, your accent's so fucking hot.

Oh, keep talking how you do, baby. I don't...

Help! You know, my grandparents are from Barcelona.

Barcelona, England?

Too right.

That's not in England. Shut the fuck up.

Oh!

You little minx.

Come on, look. Here she is.

Look, take her upstairs to a private room and put on some music...

Dude, I can't believe you got her out of the car. You're sick in the head.

I'm gonna go find Elliot.

Come on, Sky. Help me out. No.

Oh.

W... We're just dancing, that's all.

Hey, feel free to join us.

I can easily dance the tongue-go with two.

Please don't tell anyone, Sky.

My self-esteem's been kind of low recently.

Skeazy Steve.

Get back to work.

Hi.

Help!

Help!

What the fuck is going on?

No! No!

I feel like I'm being waterboarded.

Stop!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Oh! No! Oh, here we go.

What the...

Oh, isn't his accent so cute?

I just wanted to see if you were okay.

I did not want this to happen.

Ew, you're already taken?

No, wait! Skylar, wait!

Please! Get out!

Get out! Get out, you piece of shit! Get off!

Get off me. Horrible man.

Skylar. Skylar, wait!

Wait, I didn't... Wait! Go get her, bro!

Wait, Skylar. Please wait.

What? Well...

You know what, Elliot? I just thought you were different.

You looked at me like you cared, you opened doors for me, you even listened to me when I talk.

But really, you're just like every other guy.

I didn't realize you even noticed that stuff.

Just have fun, Elliot.

It's not fair of me to get annoyed at you. It's my own issue.

Okay? Forget it.

Wait, but... Uh-uh.

Skylar!

Yo, El, tell him to bang the cat.

Dude, if it's so important, you fuck the cat.

What?

Okay, I can't take this shit anymore.

Whoa, what's up with you?

I don't know! Uh...

Maybe it could be the bisexual threeway assault that just happened to me with the mouth-fingering.

Or maybe it's the shot of a fucking goldfish I had to drink.

Chill out, dude. Don't tell me to chill out.

And why don't you grow up?

You're 26 and you still act like a kid.

Anyway, I don't care.

Just bang the cat already, mate. I'm over it.

Yeah, just bang your fucking cat, you bitch.

Oh! Oh!

Bang the fucking cat, you motherfucker!

Don't you fucking touch him!

Oh, hold... That's cool. That's cool. That's cool.

And down he goes.

For the one and a two and a three!

Baby, you see that shit?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh!

Hey, you get off my brother.

Motherfucker! What?

I'm sorry. There's no need for violence.

Bitch!

You bitch!

Son of a bitch!

Hey!

Get off me!

Sorry! Hey, it's a sperm whale.

What, bitch? Fuck that!

Fuck! Oh, God. Yeah!

Motherfucker!

You all right? Yeah.

I think you broke my nose, you fuck!

Am I bleeding? You all right, dude?

Little bitch!

Fucking pussy bitch.

Let's go fuck shit up!

Oh, my God, my balls!

Hey!

'Cause he's a fucking frat star, bro!

You are an animal, bro! Animal!

Congratulations.

Um. Go get me some brewskis for me and my brothers.

Yes, sir.

Hey, we got a wedding to get to.

Ellie, darling. I love your shirt.

My little P-I-M-P.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Seany, how are you?

Guys, this is my mom. Hey, hey.

Hey, Jo-jo, I like the tattoo. Thanks, Dad.

You must be Refrigerator.

Yes, milady.

Is that Princess?

Oh, hey! I've been looking for Princess!

Why don't you take a look at the new queen of the Davis household.

You are. Yeah.

That's going to take some getting used to.

Oh, hey, El. Listen...

I taped the English football game.

Maybe you and I could look at it later.

Uh... I don't really like football. Thanks.

God, you're hot.

It's pretty, it's just... Are you sure about this, Mom?

I mean, the guy... He's utterly crazy.

Oh, yes, that's what I love about him.

Well, I'm crazy, too.

And he loves that about me.

I just want to love... and be loved.

I love you. Isn't that enough?

Darling...

I'm sorry about Skylar.

Me too.

Really liked her.

Really liked her.

Well, you should tell her then. It doesn't work like that, Mom.

Girls like guys that are, like, cool and have game. And that's just not me.

Oh, none of that is true.

People like people who are nice to them and who make them feel good about themselves.

So, you just be honest and tell her how you feel and if she doesn't like it, well then, she's rubbish and doesn't deserve you.

Thanks, Mom. You're welcome, darling.

Oh, here are the boys.

Yeah?

Congratulations. How are you, pal?

Yeah. Mom. Darling.

Congratulations. Get in here. Get in here.

Baby boy.

Hi. Mom.

Hey. Congratulations.

I owe you an apology, Joey, for what I said.

I just... If you haven't noticed, I've been a bit stressed recently, and... it just seems like everyone else has their life all sorted out and I don't.

You know?

Is that one of those rhetorical questions?

No, no. We still need to talk about that, 'cause you don't understand that at all.

I feel you though. I think we're, like, the same person.

Yeah. But I'm ready to get my life together.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, I'm officially a frat legend now, after last night.

You are. Congratulations again. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. Come here.

You're all right. Yes, you're all right, too. That was nice.

Hi, guys. You both look very handsome.

Yo, Sky, you know where I could get some fucking blow for this party?

You're not doing coke at your dad's wedding. Fuck.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Hey, so how was the drive back?

Long. Yeah. Yeah...

It was all right. It was... The car stinks of vomit.

How was yours? It was long.

We were exhausted.

But look, I just really wanted to say I'm sorry.

Oh, you don't need to say anything, honestly.

We're gonna be really good friends, which is better than anything, right?

Uh... Right.

Joey, your dad looks so happy.

Yeah.

I don't...

Okay, we need to talk. Okay.

Honestly, I think you're kind of a bitch.

Oh, thank you. Okay, well, likewise.

But the fact is, she likes you.

So man the fuck up.

Yeah, stop being so Hugh Grant, bumsy about it.

"Oh, sorry. Pardon me. I need to use the loo."

I do not need to use the toilet, thank you very much.

"Spot of tea? Pip pip. Sorry." Okay, are you both done?

Go get her, Elliot.

Go now. Okay, okay.

Go get her, Elliot. Oh, my God, okay. Okay.

Ladies and dudes. Ladies and dudes. Hang on a second. Hang on.

I just got a few things to say. Yeah, just file in there.

Uh...

First of all, I just wanna say that I'm in love with this little English rose right over here.

You bet. She's my queen.

She's my Lady Di.

She's my Hermione Granger.

But only in HPot 5, 6, and 7. She's too young in the early films.

Way too fucking young. I'm not like that.

But listen, I just wanted to say... that I am an artist of the martial arts kind.

And I wanted to express my love to you... in the form of karate. Oh.

Want some, get some.

That's my fucking dad.

That's my dad.

How are we related?

How?

Oh, my...

Oh, shit.

All right.

Karate.

Karate.

Thank you.

Hey, Elliot. Why don't you come up here and say a few words?

Fabulous. Thanks.

Sorry, quite a tough act to follow, but... I just...

I just really wanted to say...

Mom, I'm so happy for you.

I really am. You've...

You've found a... a wonderful man in Michaelson.

And Sean... Joey...

If I'm honest, I really didn't want to come and meet you.

Because I... I didn't really understand how important family was.

He's talking about me. I'm his little brother.

But after what we've been through...

I realize it's the most important thing in the world.

And Skylar, uh...

Hit it!

No, just play something... Right, thank you.

♪ I don't want to just Be friends with you ♪

♪ I'd really like to be Your boyfriend too ♪

♪ I think about you Every minute, every day ♪ Stop.

♪ It's been that way Since we met on the... ♪

♪ 'Cause it was last week... On Wednesday ♪ It's only through marriage. We're not blood-related, you know.

♪ I know it looked like We were having a drug-induced Bisexual threesome ♪ You don't have to sing it.

I don't have to sing, you're right.

I... I realized that just after I'd started, and then I just carried on, 'cause, you know, "When in Bismarck..."

What I'm trying to say is...

I think you're the most incredible girl I've ever met.

If you would just give me one more chance to "man up," as they say, and prove just how much I like you...

Aww. Yeah.

A little awkward.

Feels... It feels awkward.

Go, girl!

Pull it out. Keep going.

Boy, your plan worked.

Well, I knew the right girl was out there for him somewhere.

We just had to go and get her. Yes.

Kiss.

Right here. Yeah.

Fuck off.

Oh!

No.

Thank you. Thank you.

There you go.

That will never happen again.

In public.

Ew.

Well, that was ridiculous.

...ly good.

That's a cool move!

So, your mom said you might be staying.

Well, you see, there's kind of this girl I'm into.

Oh, yeah?

So, not so worried about the future then?

Mmm. Kind of enjoying the moment.

That's right. Hey, El!

Want you to meet my new neighbor. He came by to say congrats.

Came by to say, "What's up!"

You!

You nasty freak motherfucker!

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Oh, my God.

I am not a pedophile. What?

Mark.

Ugh. Did you just...

Sorry.

Ugh. Did you just queef?

Ew. What's on your finger? It's from that.

Ew. Ugh.

Meet us somewhere tomorrow at noon.

I'm sorry.

I'm actually slightly allergic.

Holy shit! I am sorry! No.

I'm so sorry! No. It's okay.

Oh, come here. Come here.

Damn thing.

Oh, fuck.

I'm scared as shit of cats.

I'm not touching that thing again.

Scene 17, take one, alpha.

Bravo.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you account for my balls?

Stupid.

You hear that?

Key alpha, take one. So, put an A beside the 20...

Side down? So, we're doing this thing again?

Twenty. Alpha, take one.

Correct. And slates, tail slates.

Side down. Side down.

Do you get it?

I'm sorry.

I held... Are you fucking laughing?

I held it... You fucking bitch.

I held it most of the time.

You guys have never done it before.

If you have... it just comes flushing out.

I'm a squirter. Ew!

I'm... Sorry.

That's really...

Great.

I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

Drive, drive, drive! No, no. I'm so high.

I'm high as fuck, please.

Go!

Oh. Oh.

Then we go. Cut.

Hand on ass.

Cutting!

You nasty motherfucker!

Your heart feel like it explode.

Why am I doing Italian? I don't know.

Rolling.

Did we get the first part?

The smells don't change. Oh, shit!


Oh, look at you.

You big poo.

Sorry.